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1
00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:05,222
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,924 --> 00:00:58,232
♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G
3
00:00:58,275 --> 00:01:00,147
♪ H, I, J, K
4
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:01,626
-♪ L, M, N, O, P
-♪ L, M, N, O, P
5
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:06,109
♪ Q, R, S, T, U, V, W...
6
00:01:10,026 --> 00:01:11,245
♪ A, B, C, D...
7
00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:13,247
Radar, keep your alphabet
to yourself.
8
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,857
Somebody put "X"
before "W."
9
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:17,381
-I did.
-Why?
10
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:19,775
I lost my head
in the heat of battle.
11
00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,124
[phone ringing]
12
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,647
-I got it!
-Beat you!
13
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,433
MASH 4077.
14
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,261
Colonel Potter.
15
00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:28,871
Yes?
16
00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:30,351
I'm the C.O.
17
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:33,702
What?
18
00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:37,053
Well, that's impossible.
19
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,881
There must be some mistake.
20
00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:41,101
I've seen the man work.
21
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:42,972
I can assure you, Colonel,
22
00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:46,454
there is no need
for an investigation.
23
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:48,630
Very well, if you insist.
24
00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:53,156
It's none of my business, sir,
but your lips are turning white.
25
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,592
Provo Marshal's office.
26
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:55,724
They're sending
a colonel up here
27
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:58,161
-to investigate B.J.
-Wow!
28
00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:00,294
Claim he's an imposter,
not a doctor.
29
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:02,905
Oh, he took some blood
out of my arm the other day.
30
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:05,081
Radar, the man's a doctor.
31
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,170
Whoa, Habibi! Easy! Easy,
Habibi! [trills]
32
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,651
-Don't bump your humps.
-What do you want?
33
00:02:09,694 --> 00:02:11,696
Bad timing, my faithful camel.
34
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:16,179
-Camel, my butt.
-[shushing, trilling]
35
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:18,529
Isn't she a magnificent beast?
A two-humper.
36
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:21,750
Easy. Easy. Whoa, Habibi.
Whoa. Stop that!
37
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:25,580
Sorry, sir.
High-spirited camels spit.
38
00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:32,195
-Why is it Tuesdays
are always the worst?
-Isn't she a beauty, sir?
39
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:37,331
Those gleaming yellow teeth,
set against her brown
camel-hair coat.
40
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:40,464
Klinger, I'm gonna write home
to my mom about this one.
41
00:02:40,508 --> 00:02:44,512
With Habibi's permission,
oh "bespeckled" one of
the pale flesh.
42
00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:47,732
Look at her, Colonel.
Gracious transportation
with economy.
43
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,778
A thousand miles per hump.
44
00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,606
Klinger, I got a big problem.
Now blow.
45
00:02:51,649 --> 00:02:54,261
As you command, sahib.
46
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,306
Come, oh faithful
ship of the desert.
47
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:58,134
Ah! Ah! Ah!
[trills] Ah!
48
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,136
I can hear the call
of the oasis now.
49
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,746
[trills, grunts]
50
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:07,012
Sir, I know there was no camel
in here, but there's a smell.
51
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,884
Lebanese aftershave.
52
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:13,280
[jet passes overhead]
53
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:19,242
-Two trays, Klinger?
-One for me and one
for my camel, Habibi.
54
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:22,202
Oh. Is your camel with you?
55
00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:24,204
Right at my side.
56
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:26,293
I surmised that was the case.
57
00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:30,253
Klinger, can I make
a personal observation?
58
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:33,430
Sure. Oh! Cease!
Stop curling your lips.
59
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,824
You'll get your potatoes.
60
00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:39,044
If you'd take all the energy
you devote to these
discharge schemes
61
00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,090
and put it into prayer,
62
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,874
the war would be over
and you'd be home.
63
00:03:42,918 --> 00:03:45,050
My Toledo priest
is working on that.
64
00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:47,792
Hold the meat loaf.
A camel is not a carnivore.
65
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:50,273
[trills] No spitting.
Watch the spitting.
66
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:53,842
[chuckles]
Ah, tapioca!
67
00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:58,281
But if you want the finest
tapioca in the world,
get thee to a nunnery.
68
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:01,371
So why don't I drop over
to your tent around 9:30
tonight?
69
00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:05,114
I'll bring a canteen of gin
and some Fig Newtons and,
uh, we'll, uh...
70
00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:07,116
-Cheese it, the cops.
-Hawkeye.
71
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:09,118
-Father.
-Jennifer.
-Father.
72
00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:11,512
-Don't let me interrupt.
-Oh, no. Nothing important.
73
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,949
We were discussing the ups
and downs of doctor/nurse
relationships.
74
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:15,994
-Always the professional.
-Oh, yeah.
75
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:20,608
-Sir, can I eat?
It's meatloaf.
-Enjoy the mystery.
76
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:23,219
-Hawkeye, where's B.J.?
-Am I my doctor's keeper?
77
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,917
-I've got to see him.
Something very important.
-What's up?
78
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:27,310
There's a Provo Marshal
coming here.
79
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:28,833
He's going to investigate B.J.
80
00:04:28,877 --> 00:04:30,748
Claims he's an impostor,
not a doctor.
81
00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,315
Well, I could have
told you that.
82
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:33,838
He's a piano player
in a bawdy house.
83
00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:35,013
Wild talk today.
84
00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:36,928
Your tapioca's blushing.
85
00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:39,844
I told this colonel it's crazy,
but they're investigating.
86
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:41,759
-Who's investigating?
-The Provo marshal.
87
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:43,152
-Who?
-You.
88
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:44,588
-Me?
-Say you're not a doctor.
89
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:45,937
Shucks!
I knew they'd find out.
90
00:04:45,981 --> 00:04:47,678
-Excuse me.
-Don't go.
91
00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:49,419
After B.J. exposes himself,
there's gonna be dancing.
92
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,465
-Oh, sure.
-It goes on and on.
93
00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:54,163
I think he's a spy.
Are you a spy?
94
00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,513
I'm not allowed to say.
95
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,907
Pierce, I've had a bad day.
96
00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:00,778
What league are
the Brooklyn Dodgers in?
97
00:05:00,822 --> 00:05:02,258
League of
Women Voters.
98
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,738
So far, he's right.
99
00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:05,696
Who got down on one knee
and sang "Mammy"?
100
00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:07,698
-Father Mulcahy.
-Right again.
101
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:10,484
I prefer to observe
rather than participate in this.
102
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,834
Colonel Potter, I must
talk to you right away.
103
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:14,052
-Is it medical?
-No, it's personal.
104
00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,358
-Not now, Major.
-It's important!
105
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,491
It's always important!
106
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:20,145
When's the last time
I came to you?
I ask so little.
107
00:05:20,189 --> 00:05:22,931
-And she gives so much.
-You stay out of this!
108
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:26,151
-I'm out! I'm out!
-Please, Colonel,
I must see you right away.
109
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:28,589
All right.
In my office in half an hour.
110
00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:30,895
The Army has no gratitude.
111
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,507
-Talk to the owners.
-Listen, you guys,
serious up.
112
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,509
That Colonel will be here
this afternoon.
113
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:36,945
Come on.
This is ridiculous.
114
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:37,859
The army has
all my credentials.
115
00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:39,730
Acme medical school.
116
00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:41,645
Residency at Joe's
Hospital and Auto Supply.
117
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:43,604
And then there's my practice
at Schultz's Mortuary.
118
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:48,391
I know all that,
but this Colonel
what's-his-name...
119
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,872
Bardonaro... sounded
pretty sure of himself.
120
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:54,310
[chuckles] W-wait a minute.
Is that Leo Bardonaro?
121
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,400
-That's the bird.
-[laughs]
122
00:05:57,444 --> 00:06:00,969
The spy laughed, refusing
both cigarette and blindfold.
123
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:03,450
Leo Bardonaro is an old
friend of mine from Stanford.
124
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:06,278
Stationed not far from here.
He lives for practical jokes.
125
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,672
I knew there had to be
a herring in the pickle barrel.
126
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,326
This whole bit
must be his way of saying
127
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,632
he's gonna come see
me this afternoon.
128
00:06:11,675 --> 00:06:13,416
-You're not a spy?
-Sorry.
129
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:14,939
You've ruined
my whole evening.
130
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:17,115
I was gonna take a date
to your execution.
131
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:23,687
-[brakes squeak]
-Yeah. You gotta watch out
for this guy.
132
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,776
You never know
what he's gonna do. He was
the best man at my wedding.
133
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,823
Formal occasion, so he wore
a white towel and black tie.
134
00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:32,000
-No carnation?
-My honeymoon, he put a
lizard in my alligator bag.
135
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:34,089
-So your bag
wouldn't be lonely.
-Naturally.
136
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:36,961
Yo, B.J.!
137
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:38,920
-Leo! Hey, how you doing?
-Great. Great.
138
00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:41,966
Good to see you.
Leo Bardonaro, Hawkeye Pierce.
139
00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:45,013
Uh... just checking
for a hand buzzer.
140
00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:47,494
Oh, come on.
Kid stuff. No imagination.
141
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:50,801
Hey, listen.
You really had our C.O.
going crazy earlier.
142
00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:53,021
Really?
That's great.
143
00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:55,153
-How 'bout a belt?
-Uh, did he make it?
144
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,982
No, no, no. I manufacture.
He's just a shipping clerk.
145
00:06:58,026 --> 00:07:00,202
-Oh, good. Cigar?
-No, thanks.
146
00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:02,204
-Oh. B.J.?
-Sure.
147
00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:04,075
What, are you crazy?
It's probably loaded.
148
00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:06,991
Kid stuff.
We gave that up 10 years ago.
149
00:07:07,035 --> 00:07:09,254
Our practical jokes
are creative. We don't
put bombs in cigars.
150
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:11,431
It spoils the taste.
I'll take that one.
151
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,870
-Eh...
-Here. Gimme that. Here.
152
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:18,350
Hey, remember that time
in the dean's office?
153
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,701
Mmm!
[laughs]
154
00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:23,355
One time-- One time
we stole a taxicab.
155
00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:28,752
Took it apart completely
and put it back together
in the dean's office.
156
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:31,712
-With the meter
running, I hope.
-Ran it up to 800 bucks.
157
00:07:31,755 --> 00:07:33,801
[laughing]
158
00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:36,978
Mm.
[coughs]
159
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:39,067
What do you
call this stuff?
160
00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:42,200
-Old underwear.
-Strained through G.I. skivvies.
161
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:44,246
-Terrific.
-Leo, what brings you up
to the boonies?
162
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:46,857
-I'm goin' home.
-[groans]
163
00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:50,252
Hey, I had to say good-bye.
Got my orders in my jacket.
I'm heading stateside.
164
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:54,343
-You dog. I would give
anything to go home.
-What, are you homesick?
165
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:57,346
He cries himself to sleep
so often, he's gotta wear
water wings to bed.
166
00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,218
It's lucky you bunk with a guy
that's got a sense of humor.
167
00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,568
He's serious.
168
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:03,395
[laughing]
169
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,269
Hey, I got a plane to catch.
What time is it?
170
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,576
-It's 1:30.
-1:30. Bye.
171
00:08:09,619 --> 00:08:12,100
What is that?
You just got here.
172
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,494
Well, listen.
I gotta cut it short.
173
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,105
If you're ever in America,
be sure and look me up.
I'm in the book.
174
00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:20,021
-Where do you live?
-Where do I live? Philly.
175
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:22,806
My father's in
Crabapple Cove, Maine.
Would you call him, Leo?
176
00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:25,548
-Why? Is his name Leo too?
-No jokes.
177
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,985
Just tell him I'm fine,
and I'm happy he's not here.
178
00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:30,248
Glad to do it.
Sure. Hey, B.J.
179
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,512
-Hey, Leo. All right, buddy.
-Take care of yourself.
180
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:34,601
-[both grunt]
-I'll call Peg as soon
as we land in Frisco.
181
00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:36,646
-Would you?
I'd appreciate that.
-I couldn't resist...
182
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:38,735
this Provo Marshal bit.
183
00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:41,433
-No problem. No problem.
-Sorry, fella.
184
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,218
-Hawkeye, it's
been a pleasure.
-Me too.
185
00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,046
-[hand buzzer buzzes]
-[yells]
186
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:47,352
Bye. Yo!
187
00:08:47,396 --> 00:08:50,268
He gotcha!
He gotcha!
188
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,749
[B.J. laughing]
189
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:55,056
-[jeep departing]
-[cigar explodes]
190
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:59,190
[laughs]
Oh, he gotcha!
191
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:05,370
But I must get to Tokyo.
I must see Donald!
192
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:08,809
-No, I can't spare you.
-Three days!
193
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:11,289
Nope.
194
00:09:11,333 --> 00:09:14,292
-Colonel, may I be clinical?
-Shoot.
195
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:17,948
It's important for Donald's
morale and personal well-being.
196
00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:21,386
You see, Donald is a man,
and you know how men are.
197
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:23,432
You've been away
from Mrs. Potter a long time.
198
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:26,653
Surely, you must
feel yearnings.
199
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,220
Yeah, she does make
a hell of a raisin cupcake.
200
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:31,745
You've forgotten
what it's like to be young!
201
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:36,140
Listen, missy, I don't
take those cold showers
just 'cause I'm dirty.
202
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:38,447
Well, then you do understand.
203
00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:40,797
I mean, Donald is very virile.
204
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:43,017
-Here's the supply record.
-Will you butt out!
This is man talk!
205
00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:45,019
I'm sorry, sir!
206
00:09:45,062 --> 00:09:47,325
Colonel, please,
let me put it another way.
207
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:58,293
-How's he doing?
-His vital signs still
aren't stable.
208
00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:03,298
Give him another unit of
plasma and continue I.V.s
as ordered.
209
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:05,517
[clears throat]
Uh, Captain Hunnicutt?
210
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:07,998
The tall chap
in the bowling shoes.
211
00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:12,046
I know who he is.
These M.P.'s wanna see him.
212
00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:14,439
B.J., didn't you see
the no parking sign
by the latrine?
213
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,486
I only stopped to
mail a letter.
214
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:20,445
-Captain Hunnicutt?
-The same.
215
00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:24,319
We're from the Provo Marshal,
and I'm sorry to say you're
under arrest, sir.
216
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:27,583
[chuckles]
Bardonaro again.
217
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,759
-His way of saying good-bye?
-Probably.
218
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:32,501
Look, uh, Sergeant.
This is all a big joke.
I'm very busy.
219
00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:36,157
-We've got a lot of people
to tend to here.
-Captain, this is no joke.
220
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:41,075
Here's the arrest order.
221
00:10:41,118 --> 00:10:43,077
[snickers]
222
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,035
By order of Major General Fox?
Who's Fox?
223
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:46,602
You know, short,
red-haired guy
224
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,473
with the long nose,
steals chickens.
225
00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:49,692
I'm afraid you'll
have to come along, Captain.
226
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:53,000
-Oh, bull!
-Now, sir.
227
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,480
-Blow, will you? I'm busy.
-I-I'll get the Colonel.
228
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,961
Look, guy.
This is all a joke.
229
00:10:58,005 --> 00:10:59,702
Forget it and I'll get you
some silk stockings.
230
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:04,446
-Sorry.
-Then how about some
for your girl?
231
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:06,100
Sergeant, I went to school
with this guy. He's a Captain.
232
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:09,451
Biggest practical joker in
the world. Do you read me?
233
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:11,932
Bottle of scotch?
How about a free operation?
234
00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:14,195
Appendix? Gallstones?
235
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,588
What's this about one of my
surgeons being arrested?
236
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:22,638
-It's got to be
Bardonaro again.
-Let me see the order.
237
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,335
"Willful misconduct"?
238
00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:27,034
This is no practical joke.
This is a bona fide charge.
239
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:30,472
Enough of this fooling around.
Let's get down to some
serious bribery.
240
00:11:30,515 --> 00:11:32,648
How about $14
in unmarked bills?
241
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,045
-You're in serious trouble.
-Mm-hmm.
242
00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:46,923
I'll get on the switchboard
so you can call Major
General Fox.
243
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:50,797
-[Potter echoing Radar]
-[clanging]
244
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,234
Klinger, take your shovel
and hit the road.
245
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:55,627
-Just cleaning up the mess
my Habibi made, sir.
-Bull.
246
00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,586
-Oh, no, sir, camel.
-Out.
247
00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:00,197
-As you command.
-RADAR: General Fox
is on the line, sir.
248
00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:04,593
General Fox?
Sherm Potter.
249
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:08,031
Right. The M.P.s
are here now.
250
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:09,119
What's this
all about, Fred?
251
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:12,906
He what?
252
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:16,518
Girls? Steaks?
253
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:19,086
Naked in the tub?
254
00:12:19,129 --> 00:12:21,262
Oh, in the hall.
255
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:25,048
Can't be. He was here.
256
00:12:25,092 --> 00:12:26,702
What proof?
257
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:30,097
We'll be there.
Good-bye, General.
258
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,840
-What?
-Supposedly,
10 days ago in Seoul,
259
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:37,017
-the general was staying
at the Grand Hotel.
-The Grand Central Hotel.
260
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,323
In the next room, you were
throwing a wild party,
261
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,195
loud music with
a bunch of bimbos.
262
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:43,458
I thought we were friends.
263
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,025
-Why wasn't I invited?
-You? I wasn't even invited.
264
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:47,897
Then you went out on the
balcony and barbecued steaks.
265
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,857
Teriyaki steaks on a hibachi.
266
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,989
Radar, were you listening
on the other phone?
267
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:56,340
A little.
268
00:12:56,384 --> 00:12:59,387
Well, the general's room
filled with smoke,
somebody yelled "fire,"
269
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:02,782
and forced the general
and his secretary to run
into the hallway, naked.
270
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:05,262
-Naked?
-He, uh...
271
00:13:05,306 --> 00:13:07,351
-was dictating to her.
-Hmm.
272
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,919
Uh, in the bathtub.
273
00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:12,182
Oh, sure.
And chickens have pyorrhea.
274
00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:14,315
-Colonel, I was here
10 days ago.
-With me.
275
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:16,883
-We were having a company
sock wash.
-Who was there?
276
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:19,233
-The dirty sock crowd.
-Colonel, I have orders
277
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:21,322
to get the prisoner
back by 2100 hours.
278
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,715
-Okay, okay.
-What do you mean okay?
279
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:26,544
You're gonna give in
to a naked general when
I got wounded in post-op?
280
00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:30,374
A naked general still
outranks a dressed wound.
281
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:32,376
-We'll cover for you, Beej.
-Let's go, Captain.
282
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:35,162
Uh, can I say something?
Uh, Captain Hunnicutt...
283
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,251
-Mm-hmm.
-I'll write you
every day, sir.
284
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,253
Thank you, Radar.
285
00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:41,255
Even if you're there
for three years.
286
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:43,126
Thank you, Radar.
287
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,871
Don't worry, son.
We'll have this cleared up
before you know it.
288
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,091
This whole thing
is so stupid!
289
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,571
-That's exactly
what Dreyfus said.
-Buzz off.
290
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,922
Now, look, son.
We'll gather up
all the work logs.
291
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:58,098
We've got plenty of proof
you were here.
292
00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,230
Hawkeye and I'll be along
as quick as we can.
293
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:03,407
B.J., I just heard. Here.
Take these rosary beads.
294
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:05,322
-Thank you, Father.
I'm not catholic.
-It can't hurt.
295
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,803
If it doesn't work,
you can use them
to strangle the guard.
296
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:12,329
[engine starts]
297
00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:14,418
We'll be about an hour
behind you.
298
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:17,726
-I'll come on a conjugal visit.
-Knock off the didoes, Pierce.
299
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,771
We've got work to do.
I'll need you as a witness.
300
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,904
-Anything I can do?
-Pray.
301
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:24,776
Oh. That's all
I ever get to do.
302
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:28,041
-Colonel Potter,
I must talk to you.
-Not now.
303
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:30,565
But you've got to let me go
to Tokyo. I must see Donald.
304
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,262
If I don't,
Donald'll go crazy.
305
00:14:32,306 --> 00:14:35,570
-Major, we've got a crisis!
-So has Donald!
306
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:37,920
Pierce, there might be
some duty logs in post-op.
307
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:40,705
Aye, aye. Margaret,
I have a prescription
for your problem.
308
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:43,926
-Oh.
-A tall, dark surgeon
with the hands of Paganini...
309
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,668
-and the eyes of George Raft.
-I'm a married person.
310
00:14:46,711 --> 00:14:48,670
-Get going, Pierce.
-Uh-huh.
311
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,759
Shave and put on
your class "A" uniform.
312
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,457
Got it.
Bow tie and saddle shoes.
313
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,764
Colonel, I'm begging you.
314
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:57,287
I sympathize with you, Major.
315
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,811
Your Colonel Penobscott
is away from the one he loves.
316
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:02,640
So tell him to take
two laps around Tokyo,
317
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:05,513
preferably in a cold rain.
318
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,871
Oh! Habibi!
319
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,873
[trilling]
320
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,788
Ha! Ha!
321
00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:21,050
[groans]
322
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,967
-You sure you put
everything in there?
-Yes, sir.
323
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,447
-Daily reports and duty logs.
-Good man.
324
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,148
I also put in some
of your ear swabs, sir.
325
00:15:32,192 --> 00:15:34,542
Good. I wax up on these trips.
326
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:36,109
Where the hell is Hawkeye?
327
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:38,372
Captain Pierce!
328
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:41,244
Keep shouting like that,
you'll break your glasses.
329
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,029
Sorry I'm late.
My zipper was mildewed.
330
00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:46,684
Let's go. Left at Chang Yung,
right to Miju,
331
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,904
left at Chikchisa,
then Yang Pong into Seoul.
332
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,601
Got all that?
333
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,429
-I'll follow the yellow
brick road.
-Whatever.
334
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:57,957
-Hi.
-Shut up. Get a call
through to my husband...
335
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,004
Lieutenant Colonel Donald
Penobscott, H.Q., second army
division, Tokyo.
336
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,745
Oh, sorry, ma'am,
Colonel's orders.
337
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,834
No personal calls
until after 1700 hours.
338
00:16:05,877 --> 00:16:08,228
How would you like to be
up to your knees in floor?
339
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:11,144
Roger. Sparky?
340
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:13,885
Sparky! Oh, hi, Sparky.
It's Radar.
341
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:16,540
Listen, I gotta
get through to Tokyo.
342
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:18,325
-Oh?
-What?
343
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,805
Uh, Sparky,
this is top priority.
344
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,721
Uh-huh.
345
00:16:23,765 --> 00:16:25,723
Yeah.
346
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:28,596
Um, I'm sorry, ma'am.
One of their generators
burned out
347
00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:31,033
and they won't get
another frequency
till after midnight.
348
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:33,035
-[screams]
-[screams]
349
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:36,038
Oh, look what you've done!
My in-going and my outgoing.
350
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,736
-Now it's all in my out.
-Stuff it, you little shrimp!
351
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:40,651
-What I...
-No! No, no, no.
352
00:16:40,695 --> 00:16:43,045
-Ma'am, this is official stuff.
-I'm sick of it!
353
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,395
-I'm sick of all of you!
-Oh, no!
354
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:48,050
-I'm sick of the army!
-That's all in
alphabetical order!
355
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:50,226
For Pete's sake!
356
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,663
"Oh, we need you, Houlihan.
We need you."
357
00:16:52,707 --> 00:16:55,014
Always me! Always me!
Why? Why? Why?
358
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:58,887
Well, you've been in the Army
a long time. You're older.
359
00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:00,889
Thanks for nothing!
360
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:04,284
You're very dependable
and kind to the enlisted.
361
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:07,635
This man occupied a hotel room
adjacent to mine.
362
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:11,117
He created an inordinate
amount of smoke,
interrupting my...
363
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,075
official dictation...
364
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,121
motivating me
into a drafty hallway.
365
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:17,558
But, general, the duty logs,
the daily reports.
366
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:21,170
Everything shows that Captain
Hunnicutt was at the 4077.
367
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,955
Well, anybody
could have signed those.
368
00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:26,958
That's the oldest dodge
in the army.
369
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,700
-I have Captain Pierce
as a witness.
-He was with me in surgery.
370
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:32,094
I took some shell fragments
out of a south Korean soldier.
371
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,662
Right. That corporal
who gave you the water
buffalo horn for an ashtray.
372
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:38,187
What time were you two
supposed to be in surgery?
373
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:43,192
Uh, right here.
Um, 0600 to 1117.
374
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:45,934
Plenty of time to get
to Seoul by chopper.
375
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:49,372
He never left camp.
We had a company sock wash
that night.
376
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:54,160
Colonel, did you witness
this... company sock wash?
377
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:57,467
Uh, it was for
the younger crowd.
378
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:59,817
General, we have
overwhelming evidence.
379
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:02,559
So do I.
380
00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,953
Photostat of the hotel
register.
381
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:08,087
"B.J. Hunnicutt
and a party of favorites"?
382
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,741
Sir, that's not
my signature.
383
00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:13,831
That signature
could be forged.
The oldest dodge in the Army.
384
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:16,182
All boils down
to your word against ours.
385
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:19,054
What do these say to you?
386
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,970
Always trust your car
to the man who wears a star.
387
00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:25,800
-Clam up, Captain!
-[Hawkeye mumbles]
388
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,845
I have additional evidence.
389
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:31,022
Hunnicutt, you left in such
a hurry, you left your hat.
390
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,938
-Sir, that's not my hat.
-Put it on.
391
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:36,811
General, I have never
seen this hat as long
as my head has lived.
392
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:39,205
There's one way to prove it.
Put it on.
393
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:45,298
It's his hat, all right.
394
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:49,737
POTTER: Let's celebrate
our victory over the brass.
395
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:51,739
Pull over under
that tree, Hawkeye.
396
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:54,263
-Rest stop!
-B.J., break out
one of those bottles.
397
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:58,049
You got it!
398
00:18:58,093 --> 00:19:00,878
Practical jokes.
You can have them.
399
00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:02,880
-That miserable Bardonaro.
-Ahh!
400
00:19:02,924 --> 00:19:05,013
That'll clean
your rifle barrel.
401
00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:07,015
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
402
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:09,060
Easy, Hawkeye, easy.
403
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:12,194
Don't talk to the driver
while he's drinking.
404
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:15,023
-You know, practical jokes
are really cruel.
-Right.
405
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,851
-Right. Vicious.
-Right.
406
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,635
-Sadistic.
-I couldn't agree more.
407
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,202
If I ever see
that Bardonaro again,
408
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,204
I'll break every sadistic
bone in his body.
409
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,511
Ah, you'll see him again.
Remember when I took his coat?
410
00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:26,730
-Huh?
-In the Swamp,
with the cigar bit?
411
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:29,211
-I took his coat?
-Yeah?
412
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,604
I swiped his travel orders.
413
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:44,444
Colonel Potter?
Colonel Potter,
I gotta speak to you.
414
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,446
Get rid of this
dead soldier, soldier.
415
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,709
-Yes sir, but I still
gotta speak to you.
-You walk funny.
416
00:19:48,752 --> 00:19:50,885
-Poor toilet training.
-Colonel, this is important.
417
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:54,280
-Radar, baby.
Kiss me, you fool.
-Whew! Holy mackerel.
418
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,456
Colonel, you gotta do
something about Major Houlihan.
419
00:19:56,499 --> 00:19:58,414
An officer
and a gentleman.
420
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,068
You gotta let her see
her husband or something.
421
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:01,983
You know what she did?
She kicked me,
422
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:04,290
and then she messed up
my files from "M" to "Z"
and everything.
423
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,901
-And then she got mad.
-Colonel Potter!
424
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:10,034
-Oh!
-Say no more.
You've convinced me.
425
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:12,776
Get packed.
You're going to Tokyo.
Give my love to Donald.
426
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,213
[shrieks]
427
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:20,262
You know, I like
a major with hot lips.
428
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,264
-And I'll tell you why.
-Why?
429
00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:23,570
Exactly.
430
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:29,619
-Did I fall down?
-No.
431
00:20:29,663 --> 00:20:31,230
I didn't think so.
432
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:38,062
Klinger. Klinger. Klinger.
433
00:20:38,106 --> 00:20:40,282
Ah, Colonel, sahib.
You have returneth.
434
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:43,938
Good news, bugle beak.
I brought a discharge
from Seoul.
435
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:46,984
Oh, be still
my throbbing heart.
436
00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:48,421
It's for the camel.
437
00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:51,250
He can pack his humps
and leave anytime.
438
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:54,296
It's always the other guy.
[trills]
439
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:56,516
[chattering, chuckling]
440
00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:01,303
[laughing]
Oh, Leo! Oh, you!
441
00:21:01,347 --> 00:21:03,523
-You creep!
-Hey, look, fellas.
442
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:05,612
I'm really sorry about
the General Fox thing. Okay?
443
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:07,744
Sorry don't feed the bulldog.
444
00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:10,486
-No, seriously.
I'm very sorry.
-Uh-huh.
445
00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:13,663
I didn't know General Fox
was right next door.
446
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:15,622
[mock laughing]
447
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,537
-B.J.?
-Yeah.
448
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:20,322
-Can I have
my travel orders back?
-Travel orders?
449
00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:22,498
What travel orders?
I haven't seen any travel or--
450
00:21:22,542 --> 00:21:25,675
-Have you seen
any travel orders?
-I saw my first robin.
451
00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:28,330
Come on, Beej.
I haven't seen
my folks for two years.
452
00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:30,811
-Oh, poor guy.
-Oh, really?
453
00:21:30,854 --> 00:21:33,030
-Come on. Come on.
-All right. All right.
454
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:35,337
-No, no, no, no. Don't do it.
-It's okay.
455
00:21:35,381 --> 00:21:37,339
-On one condition.
-Yo.
456
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:40,864
We shake hands and promise
no more practical jokes.
457
00:21:40,908 --> 00:21:43,345
Okay, okay, deal.
Gimme the papers.
458
00:21:43,389 --> 00:21:45,173
-Don't forget the handshake.
-Right. Right.
459
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:49,699
-Ah!
-Ah!
460
00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:52,789
[both stammering]
461
00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:54,791
-Oh, you... [mutters]
-All right. All right.
462
00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:57,228
-Here.
-Like I said, I'll call Peg.
463
00:21:57,272 --> 00:21:58,969
Okay. Good.
464
00:21:59,013 --> 00:22:01,189
Leo, you...
[laughs]
465
00:22:01,232 --> 00:22:03,191
-How do we get
to Kimpo Air Base?
-It's, um...
466
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:05,324
No, I don't
have any wheels.
467
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,935
Wheels! Take our jeep.
It's parked in front
of the hospital.
468
00:22:07,978 --> 00:22:09,763
-It's all gassed up.
-It's all gassed up.
469
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:12,287
-I don't know how
to thank you guys.
-I do. Blow.
470
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,376
Yo.
471
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:18,902
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, Hawkeye,
the tent is spinning around.
472
00:22:18,946 --> 00:22:21,905
-Which way?
-Clockwise.
473
00:22:21,949 --> 00:22:24,865
Mine's going counterclockwise.
Maybe together we're sober.
474
00:22:24,908 --> 00:22:26,867
[chuckles]
475
00:22:26,910 --> 00:22:29,696
-Hi. Hey, B.J.
-Huh?
476
00:22:29,739 --> 00:22:32,263
-While you was away,
this mail come for you.
-Okay. Thank you, Radar.
477
00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:38,574
-Bardonaro!
-Bardonaro, you creep!
478
00:22:38,618 --> 00:22:41,664
Bardonaro! You see...
Look what he did.
479
00:22:41,708 --> 00:22:44,145
[laughs]
Look what I got.
480
00:22:44,188 --> 00:22:47,235
A bill from that hotel
in Seoul, in my name...
481
00:22:47,278 --> 00:22:51,282
for damages... 580 bucks.
482
00:22:54,503 --> 00:22:56,636
[laughing]
We...
483
00:22:56,679 --> 00:22:58,986
What the hell
are we laughing at?
484
00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:01,989
Well, he'll be walking
back here in about an hour.
485
00:23:02,032 --> 00:23:04,034
He'll be walking back?
486
00:23:04,078 --> 00:23:06,210
The only thing gassed up
in that jeep was us.
487
00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:18,048
-To my dear wife.
-To my darling wife.
488
00:23:18,092 --> 00:23:22,009
To Goldie, the waitress
at Barney's Bar and Grill.
489
00:23:22,052 --> 00:23:25,578
-[knocking]
-Come in.
490
00:23:25,621 --> 00:23:28,798
-Hi.
-Well, look who's back.
491
00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:32,759
-POTTER: How was Tokyo?
-Oh...
492
00:23:32,802 --> 00:23:35,544
-Never mind Tokyo.
How's Donald?
-He's in wonderful shape.
493
00:23:35,588 --> 00:23:39,592
-He's so relaxed now.
-Good. Is that a jug?
494
00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:42,377
-Thank you for
giving me leave.
-Thank you.
495
00:23:43,857 --> 00:23:46,120
Well, if you'll
excuse me,
496
00:23:46,163 --> 00:23:48,252
I have some things
to rinse out.
497
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:50,037
-HAWKEYE: Would you
do my underwear?
-B.J.: And my socks?
498
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:54,128
[laughs]
Another time, Captains.
499
00:23:54,171 --> 00:23:57,305
-Huh.
-Didn't even get
a rise out of her.
500
00:23:57,348 --> 00:24:00,003
She's no fun
when Donald's relaxed.
501
00:24:00,047 --> 00:24:02,397
♪♪ [theme]
39493
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