All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S06E01 - Fade Out, Fade In (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Waiting
for the Robert E. Lee?

No, sir.
It's Major Burns.

He was due back from R&R
at 2400 hours.

I sent out the daily report
and said he was back.

You've been here all night?

At 0400 I had to go
to the latrine.

So you took
the scenic route.

-Yes.
-Check his tent?

He could have come in

while you were sitting
with Batman and Robin.

No, I checked.

That's not like Burns.

He's a lousy surgeon
and a pain in the butt.

However, he's always
on time.

I know.
That's why I'm worried.

Relax. Cigar?

Won't it stunt my growth?

What have you got
to lose?

Is it habit-forming?

No, I've been smoking
five cigars a day

for 45 years.
Never got the habit.

That's good to know.

So far, so good.

When do I suck?

I'll let you know.

Now.

Couple more times.

There you go.

Nothing like a good cigar
on a bright, clear morning.

Or cream of wheat.

Shockowitz, give me a hand.

Hey, you're a medic.

Battalion aid station
got hit.

Crummy war.

All right.
Pre-op, and move it.

What a mess.

Some of these guys
get clobbered twice--

once on the line
and then again

three hours later
at the aid station.

Their lucky day.

Move him into pre-op.

Father?

So young.

They younger they get,
the older I get.

You're lucky, sergeant.
That's not too bad.

We'll have you out of here
in no time.

Hey, doc, can you
make it a little worse?

I don't want to go
back up there.

We'll see.
Maybe I can drop a stitch.

Medic.

Get him to pre-op,
start an I.V.,

and give him some plasma.

Hell of a time
for Burns to be late.

We can use every inept
surgeon we can get.

When is Margaret due back
from her honeymoon?

Two more days.

Superficial. Post-op.

I wish I was with her.

For crying out loud,
she's with her husband.

I wouldn't peek.

Sirs, one of the wounded
is a doctor.

Dr. Berman, I'm Dr. Pierce.

Don't waste your time,
Doctor.

We just met,
already he's kibitzing.

Right hemothorax,
full of blood.

Don't talk.

Pericardial tamponade,
full of blood.

We'll fix you up,
Doctor.

Fragment... near the heart.

You got a rabbi?

We've got a priest
who loves Al Jolson.

Get him.

Knock that off,
Berman.

Nobody dies around here
without my say-so.

Be careful.

POTTER: How's Berman?

I got a chest tube in.
He's still bleeding.

Can he travel to Seoul?

He may not even
make it to post-op.

Klinger.

What's the matter?

Snapped my garter belt.

Don't expect a Purple Heart.

Special case there.
We need a nice, slow ride.

There you go, Sarge.
Didn't even tingle,
did it?

You're gonna be fine.

Finished already, huh, doc?

Local anesthetic,
seven stitches.

Can't you find
anything else wrong?

You've got a hangnail,

but the manicurist doesn't
come in on Mondays. Klinger.

What am I, the only
medic in the shop?

You're loved, you fool.

Command me, O tall one
with the Presbyterian features.

Bed rest and ambulatory.

Bed rest and ambulatory.

Where the hell is Burns?

If we're lucky,
he deserted.

[laughing]
You don't suppose--

No, no, no, no.

What? What?

No, it's ludicrous.

Come on. What, what?

Well, Margaret's
on her honeymoon in Tokyo,

and Frank's late getting
back from Seoul. [laughing]

You think Frank
went to Tokyo?

What could he do there?

Put saltpeter
in Penobscott's teryaki?

Klinger. This is crazy.

I got to get
on the horn to I-Corps.

See if we can trace Burns.
We need another surgeon.

Over there.

Just park it there.

Get my bag, corporal.

Major Houlihan,
is that you?

No, it's Amelia Earhart.
Who do you think it is?

You.

Oh, you dumb ninny.

How come you're back so
early from your honeymoon?

-You're not my father.
-No, ma'am.

I sure am glad
to see you, though.

We got a terrible
lot of wounded,

and Major Burns isn't
back from R&R yet.

He isn't?

All right, I'll get changed
and get right over.

Did you have
a good time?

Oh, stuff it.

That's nice.

[phone rings]

-MASH 4077--
-POTTER: I got it, Radar.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Colonel Potter here.
Who's this?

I didn't know
you had it.

-I've got it.
-Yes, sir.
You certainly do, sir.

What was your name again,
Sergeant?

Sergeant Williams, sir.
Military police, I-Corps.

Do you have a Major
Frank Burns in your unit?

Medium build, beady eyes,
weak chin?

That's him.

He was involved in an incident
here in Seoul.

And our report says
that while drunk,

he accosted a blonde WAC.

Kept calling her Margaret.

Acted like
he was shampooing her hair

and then begged
to clip her toenails.

Ran off before
we could apprehend him.

Is he there, sir?

No, and he's long overdue.

Keep me posted, Sergeant.

Jackass Burns. Radar.

Yes, sir.
Is he on his way, sir?

On his way
to a Section 8.

He's down in Seoul
flipping his beanie.

Get hold of Colonel Baldwin
at Tokyo General.

Tell him we're desperate
for a surgeon.

I'll be in O.R. If my
legs get me that far.

I think you're tired,
Colonel.

You know, Radar,

you should have gone
to medical school.

Hello, Tokyo.

Hello, Tokyo?

[man whistling]

Double pair, royal.

That's 121 points...

and the game.

Damn cribbage.

Ah-ah, Colonel,
for a brief moment

you thought you had me,
but I scooted away.

What's the damage,
Winchester?

Well, in round figures
you owe me $672.11.

[phone rings]

Colonel,
I want to thank you

for teaching me
this game.

Colonel?

Colonel Baldwin here.

Yes?

I told you not to call me
when I'm in conference.

Oh, yeah,
that's Potter's outfit.

What did they want?

How long
do they need him?

It's impossible.

[chuckling]

Colonel, I made a small error.

You owe me $672.17.

Ha ha ha ha!

It's possible.

Care to put your head
in the noose again?

I'd love to...

but you won't
have time.

For the next 48 hours,

you belong to a MASH unit
that's short a man.

MASH? That's one of those
traveling medicine shows,

-isn't it?
-Right.

Grab the next flight
to Seoul.

Get out to Colonel Potter
at the 4077th.

Why send your best doctor
into a war zone?

Relax. It's just like
two days here...

except for the artillery
and the snakes.

Better get moving, Winchester.

Surely you jest.

Surely you go.

We got a new surgeon
on the way--

a Major
Charles Emerson Winchester.

I knew a Winchester.

I knew an Emerson.

I got an uncle Charles.

At least we won't be
working with a stranger.

Put your finger
on that artery. Scalpel.

Major Houlihan.

B.J.:
Look who's here.

MULCAHY:
What a pleasant surprise.

Uh-oh, Lulu's
back in town.

Keep working, keep working.

I'll take over, Baker.
You look exhausted.

Mrs. Penobscott,
it's a pleasure

to have your finger
in my work again.

How come you're
back here so early?

Shouldn't you be wearing out
your "do not disturb" sign?

Heard you were busy.
More sponges!

Major,
heard you were back.

Baker, get back in here
and help the colonel!

Now I knowyou're back.

Tell us about
your honeymoon.

Just the dirty stuff.

Captains, please--

Mrs. Penobscott's
feelings.

That's what we want
to hear about.

Private Pacetti,
X-ray, hot off the press.

Gloriosky, Sandy,

do I behold the ravishing
Mrs. Penobscott?

Yes, Klinger, I'm back,
so get moving.

Yes, Major Houlihan.

Never heard of anybody coming
home early from a honeymoon.

They had to throw
a bucket of water
on me and the missus.

Did you have
a good time? Clamp.

Clamp. We need more suction.

If you don't want to tell
us about your honeymoon,
Margaret, I understand.

I appreciate that.

I hope you took pictures.

WINCHESTER:
What's happening?

DRIVER: The enemy,
sir-- mortars.

The enemy? Here?

Turn right, right!

Left! Left!

Follow me, sir.

Where?

Take cover.

When do they stop?

When they hit
something.

-Very comforting.
-Hit the dirt!

Good Lord,
what do we do now?

Sit tight, hold your breath,
and pray if you got them.

What about the jeep?

Don't worry about it, sir.

It's paid for.

Better stay put, Major.

Now we can go.

How?

A.T.

A.T.?

Alternate transportation.

You're on your own now, sir.

I'm going back
to headquarters.

Good luck to you.

Extra, extra,
read all about it.

Latest news
in the Stars and Stripes.

"U.S. Enters War in Korea."

Get your latest news
right here.

-Excuse me.
-It's a little shack
on the compound

marked "latrine."
immediate seating
in the mezzanine.

It isn't that.
I want to ask you something.

Go.

Are you a guy or a hairy
broad with a deep voice?

I'm all man, Clyde.
The clothes are a dodge.

A what?

If I keep wearing
women's clothes,

maybe they'll
give me a Section 8
and send me home.

Oh. How long
you been at this?

Two years April 22.

-It's not just a dodge.
-What do you mean?

If you've been dressing
like this for two years,

you area Section 8.

That's what I keep telling them.

Let me tell them.
I'm a lawyer.

Captain Schaeffer,
adjutant general branch.

I'm telling you,
I can get you a discharge.

Captain, if you can help,
I'm your slave.

No problem.

Oh, captain, my captain.

Set me free, and for
the rest of your life

I'll bring you
belly dancers--

their navels stuffed
with chopped liver.

120 over 80, sergeant.
You're perfect.

Hey, listen, Doc,

I'm sure there's something
inside that you missed, huh?

It hurts...
right about here.

Comes with the territory.

That's our
canned corn beef.

But, Doc, I don't
want to go back.

Can't say as I blame you.

Would you like to talk
to Father Mulcahy?

Okay, but I'm an atheist.

-Really?
-Swear to God.

Uh, let's check
Private Leland's chart.

How you feeling,
Doctor Berman?

Critical.

I know you've got
a chest tube in

and the lung's re-expanded.

I repaired the laceration
of the ventricle,

so there's a weak area
in the myocardium.

In other words,
a ventricular aneurysm.

Yeah, it looks that way.

So it's good night, nurse.

You just rest and stabilize.

And if necessary,
we'll tackle the aneurysm.

You doctors are all alike.

Did you tell him
about the aneurysm?

Yeah.

Going to try it?

None of us have ever
seen that operation.

What are you gonna do?

I think I'll hide
in the woods

till the war is over.

[ringing]

I got it.
You got it.

I know I've got it.

Potter here.

Yeah, Sergeant.

Oh, not Burns again.

He was on this bus,

and he sat down next
to a Red Cross lady.

He tried to bite off
her buttons.

He kept hollering,
"Margaret! Margaret!"

Is that his wife?

No, just a well-built ship
that crossed his wake.

Have you got him locked up?

Not exactly, sir.

You see, the lady screamed,
and the bus stopped,

and he jumped out the window.

Look, Sergeant,
do me a favor.

When you finally lasso him,
put him in a padded stall.

For your trouble.

Put this toward
some shock absorbers.

You staring at me, Corporal?

Oh, no, sir.
No, I'm sorry, sir.

It's just that we don't
get too many strangers
around here standing up.

Charming place.

An inflamed boil
on the buttocks of the world.

What isthat odor?

Uh, north wind--cesspool,
east wind--latrine.

The wind is from the south.

Oh, that's the kitchen.

Sir, are you the doctor
we've been waiting for?

It's quite likely.

Major Charles Emerson
Winchester-- surgeon.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly,
company clerk.

Uh, should I get
your bags, sir?

Of course.

Where will I find
your commanding officer?

In his commanding office.

Uh, this way.

Ooh!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Do you mind?

Not at all.

-Skoöal.
-Anita Ekberg.

Ingrid Bergman.

Sonja Henie.

Uh, sir, this is

Major Charles
Emerson, uh...

-Winchester.
-Winchester.

Radar, don't talk
with your hands full.

Welcome to MASH 4077,
Doctor.

Doctors Pierce,
Hunnicut.

-Hawkeye.
-Doctor.

-B.J.
-Doctor.

Major, you have no idea
how glad we are to see you.

This is our first break
in 36 hours. Have a snort.

Thank you, no.

Uh, got your papers,
Winchester?

Gee, what swell gloves.

Calf.

Oh.

Where you from, Charlie?

Charles.

Oh.

We're pretty informal
up here.

We get very close.

I don't intend to be here
long enough to get chummy.

I'll drink to that.

I'll join you.

Impressive, doctor.

Harvard Med,
Massachusetts General.

What were you doing
in Tokyo?

Demonstrating new
surgical techniques.

Up here, it's strictly
meatball surgery.

Patch them up
and get them out.

Huh, that's rather
primitive, isn't it?

We've got
a 98% survival rate, cowboy.

Charles.

No offense intended, Colonel.

Offense accepted, Major.

Ah, look, we're all
a little tired.

Let's not get off
on the wrong foot.

Doctor Berman is going
into heart failure.

-He can hardly breathe.
-Let's go.

Ventricular
aneurysm.

Why the panic?

Can you do anything
about it?

I've done
at least a dozen.

Successfully?

No offense
intended, Major.

Offense accepted.

Let's hang out
your shingle, Major.

CHARLES:
More light
on the heart.

More suction.

There's your aneurysm.

Now, the main difficulty
here, gentlemen,

is that the aneurysm
may have a clot in it.

If you don't do this
very carefully,

it could break off
and go to the brain.

Then it's goodbye, Charlie.

Sorry. Charles.

So that's how you do this--
you oversew the aneurysm.

Mm-hmm.

Good work, Remington.

Winchester.

Oh.

Still with us, Hunnicut?

100 over 70.

Beautiful, doctor.

Voilà.

We're ready
to close.

Fine work, doctor.

Considering
the circumstances,

I would say
extraordinary.

Major Winchester, sir,
may I ask a question?

You may.

Could I stop by sometime
for a cup of ego?

Wasn't that wonderful?

Such marvelous
technique.

The whole family
has gifted hands.

Mother's a concert pianist.

My dad can get an olive

out of the bottom of a jar
with one finger.

-And leave the pimento behind.
-Oh, yeah.

Frontline humor, I suppose--
crude and boorish.

You got to admit, though,

these jokers
will make you laugh.

Colonel, sir,
I got Major Burns
on the telephone.

-He's calling from Seoul.
-About time.

You coming, Margaret?

It's an obscene phone call.

Crude and boorish.

Crude and Boorish--
a great act.

He plucked chickens.

And she jumped through
an awning.

Burns?

Not so fast.

Yeah? Yeah.

-Uh-huh. You are?
-What's up?

I should have listened
on my own phone.

An opportunity missed
is an opportunity lost.

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

A writer of note.

Writers of notes
get famous?

Please! I'm on
long distance.

Okay, Burns,
I'll take care of it.

Right, Major. Right.

The same to you.

What's the latest
on Burns?

This one's a doozy.

He saw an officer
and a blonde

walking down the main drag,
and in his state...

-Bombed?
-Boiled.

Mistook them
for Penobscott and Houlihan.

Well, this couple went
into a public bath,

stripped down,
and got in the water.

A man and a lady
in the same water?

Baptists.

Oh.

Frank jumps in with them,
still in uniform.

Wow.

Grabbed the woman
and started crying.

Suddenly he realizes

he's in the water
with the wrong couple.

Mrs. Kester hollered
bloody murder.

Wait a minute.

You mean brigadier general
and Mrs. Kester?

In the buff.

They're holding Burns
for psychiatric observation.

Perfect.

And then...

hang on to your skivvies.

He's being transferred
out of here.

Transferred?

Out of here?

Frank is being transferred?
You mean for good?

-That's right.
-Holy cow.

They can't do that to us.

There's so much more
we wanted to say to the fink.

-All of it rotten.
-Do you realize

this reduces the enemy
to just North Korea?

This calls for a toast.

You, too, Radar.
Special occasion.

Thank you, sir.

A toast.
What shall it be?

Something tender.

Something
sentimental.

Right.

Goodbye, ferret face.

Make him permanent
and it's a deal.

Good.

Oh, really?

I'll remember that.

Radar, are you there?

I was there,
but now I'm in person.

Where's Winchester?

He's getting ready to leave.

I want to talk
to him, pronto.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]

[sigh]
Ain't this the final
kick in the butt?

We pack so Major Bonkers
can get out of here.

Not an easy task.

Each object holds
such unpleasant memories.

Start with the laundry.

One pair shorts,
perfect condition.

Mine.

One pair shorts,
holes, buttons missing.

Frank's.

One pair socks,
perfect condition. Mine.

You're pretty quick
with the socks, fella.

One pair socks, holes.

BOTH: Frank's.

You know, this is gonna be
a lot easier than I thought.

Matter of having a system.

-[knocking]
-Entrez-vous.

Colonel Potter said you were
packing Frank's things.

There's something of mine
I'd like back.

I don't think that's
possible, Major.

Margaret, please.
We packed so carefully.

I'll bet.

May one ask what it is
you're looking for?

It's personal.

The torn shorts
are right on top.

I'll slap you.

Bully.

Ah, here it is.

[gasps]

This is none
of your business.

-What is it?
-A picture of Margaret
in a bikini.

-Let me see.
-No.

-Give you a nickel.
-No.

Show you where
the horse bit me.

Not interested.

Come on.
How does she look?

Beautiful. A goddess.

Really?

Oh! Yum! Yum! Yum!

You're spitting on it.

I'm gonna faint.

Margaret, put it back.
It'll keep him crazy.

Why torture him?
Frank wasn't all that bad.

Compared to what?

Well, he's no
Donald Penobscott.

In some ways,
Donald is no Frank Burns.

Uh, Margaret--

Margaret, wait a second.

Would you care
to elaborate on that?

No, I wouldn't.

Margaret, look,
if you've got something

you want to get
off your chest,

I promise you it won't
go beyond this tent.

No, thank you. I'd sooner
tell Walter Winchell.

Might make you
feel better.

Why should I trust you two?

Because
we're all you've got.

Because we care.

Come on, Margaret.
Have a drink.

Come on. Sit down.

You don't have to tell us
if you don't want to,

but sit down.
You look upset.
Have a drink.

What'll it be,
gin or gin?

Something went wrong,
didn't it, Margaret?

Your word of honor?

Sure.

What about him?

Him too.

Well...

the first two days
were perfect.

Then after that,
it was like being

on a honeymoon
with my old auntie.

What happened between
the second and third day?

Nothing. We were having
a wonderful time--

tennis, shopping,

a lovely party that evening
at General Weiskopf's.

Lyle was a charming host.

Lyle?

General Weiskopf.
He's an old friend.

We stayed up
and talked and laughed

until 3:00 in the morning.

Was the groom
in the room?

Sure. He was
right there listening.

What happened
after the party?

Nothing.

As in "nothing"?

He stopped talking.

He stopped smiling.

He stopped...everything.

As in "everything"?

Well, Margaret,
don't you think that's it?

-What?
-That's probably it.

Donald was competing
with your whole past.

Some guys just can't take
that kind of pressure.

The male libido can be
a very fragile thing.

Oh, poor Donald.

Oh, he'll get over it.
It happens all the time.

Frank never had that problem.

Frank didn't need it.
He had every other one.

Oh, I know. I know.

Frank Burns was a little too
"by the book" for you guys,

but... I personally have
some very fond memories

of our friendship.

That dirty rat!

My alarm clock.

He said the bellboy
took it. That fink!

Schaeffer, this is
none of your business.

Colonel, please, you're
shouting at my lawyer.

You are holding
a legitimate
Section 8 here.

Lay it on him,
mouthpiece.

A guy hanging on to
a dodge this long

is a legit psychotic,
believe me.

Look, Captain,
it doesn't matter.

Teddy Roosevelt had a
transvestite in his outfit.

Rode sidesaddle
up San Juan Hill.

Is that true, Captain?

Could be.

They all wore such big hats.

-We're sunk.
-Oh, no, we're not.

I'm preparing my client's
brief for General Phelps.

-[phone ringing]
-And, you, as my client,

do not talk to this man
unless I am present.

Sir, phone call
from Tokyo General.

Got it.
Come on, Klinger.

You and your lawyer,
take a hike.

Colonel,
I am going to convene

a formal hearing on this.

Good. Klinger, I suggest

you wear your black sheath
with pearls.

Basic black
before 5:00? Really.

Potter here.

Yes, of course
I still need a new surgeon.

Who? Mackenzie?

Look, Baldwin. I've seen
that clown's 201 file.

He's a boozer.

Chief engineer
on the Red Nose Express.

Martinelli?
I've seen his surgery.

Let me give you a tip.
Sew his fingers together

and make him a psychiatrist.

What about Winchester?

Yeah, I know he's temporary.

Make him permanent
and it's a deal.

Good.

Oh, really?
I'll remember that.

Radar, are you there?

I was, sir, but now
I'm in here, sir.

Where's Winchester?

He's getting ready to leave.

-I wanna talk to him pronto.
-Yes, sir.

And bring me back
a Snickers bar.

With nuts?

-No.
-Milky Way.

Damn partial.

Pierce.

Chuck.

Well, you're leaving.
What's in a name?

How're you feeling?

Dr. Berman,
this is Dr. Winchester.

He saved your life.

Thank you.

I thought I was a goner.

Yes, I can understand that.

[chuckles] I think
I've just been insulted.

Very observant.
Blood pressure?

140 over 80.

I can't believe it.

Dr. Pierce tells me

that your technique
was extraordinary.

To him, perhaps.

Well, I'm on my way.

Good luck, Dr. Berman.

You're not
on staff here?

Oh, no.

This was just a stopover

in a stagnant backwater
of the war.

-Gentlemen.
-Ta.

But, Father, I don't
want to go back anymore.

Son, we all feel fear.

-It's quite natural.
-But, Father--

Without fear, one would stand
in traffic and get run over.

It's nature's way
of protecting your life.

Father, it's not my life
that I'm concerned about.

Excuse me?

I killed three people.

I saw their eyes.

Father, I just don't
want to kill anymore.

Oh, I found-- I found--
I found Major Winchester.

Uh, don't go away, sir.
The Colonel wants to see you.

Colonel, I found
Major Winchester!

Well,
I hope he's succinct.

My jeep will be here
momentarily.

-I do hate long good-byes.
-I found him.

-Oh, Winchester.
-Can we hurry this up?

I checked the O.R.,
the mess tent,

the latrine, everywhere.

And then I come in here,
the officers club,

and here he was.

He was here. His gear was here.
And then I was--

Radar. Radar.
Type that up in triplicate.

Yes, sir. I found him.

Well, it's very kind
of you to see me off.

I would ask you to join me
in a farewell drink,

but there just isn't time.

Oh, we'll have
plenty of time.

Oh?

I've got
some good news, Major.

You're assigned to us
permanently.

Impossible.

Orders are cut.
It's final.

No!

No. Colonel Baldwin assured me
this is just temporary.

Is this the same Colonel
Baldwin who owes you $600?

[laughs]
Yes.

Need I say more?

You mean to tell me
that I have to stay here

just because somebody
owes me $672.17?

-That's ridiculous.
-Of course it's ridiculous.

You're staying
because I need you.

And if I refuse?

You'll be making gravel
at Leavenworth.

¿Comprende?

Comprendo.

Good.

Well, Major Winchester,
I can't tell you

how happy I am
you've decided to join us.

And remember,
if you ever have a problem,

feel free to stop in.

My tent flap is always open.

♪♪ ["Give me
the Simple Life"]

MAN [over P.A.]:
Attention, Corporal Klinger.

Report to Colonel Potter's
office on the double.

And bring your lawyer.

Now that's what I call
fast action.

Let me do the talking.

You're the solicitor, Captain.

M.P.'s! My own escort.

Klinger, you wonderful, crazy
person, you're going home.

I can smell downtown
Toledo now. Ha ha! Ho ho!

Corporal Klinger
and lawyer reporting, sir.

-New scarf?
-Sears, Honolulu.

-Nice.
-Post-debutante department.

Sorry I missed
your cotillion.

I expected other officers,
Colonel, a review board.

Road apples, Private.

Uh, Captain, Colonel.

Private, Corporal.

Private?

Well, tsk, caught again.

Hold it. Wait, wait,
wait a minute. I thought--

Button it. Button it.

Let him talk.

You're my lawyer.

Your lawyer
is a buck private,

and he's no lawyer.

I beg your-- How's that?

According to his captain,
a real captain,

Schaeffer here has been
bucking for a Section 8

longer than you have.

A loony?

Busted twice.

Done four months
in the slammer,

has impersonated a doctor,

a bombardier,
a tank commander,

even a chaplain.

A chaplain.

At this very moment
somewhere in America,

25 couples
are living in sin.

You shyster! Why'd you lie
to me, get my hopes up?

I thought you'd understand.
You're my own kind.

-[whistles]
-They gonna send me home?

-I doubt it.
-I feel like crying.

Let it all out, stud.
He's all yours, boys.

Well, hang in there,
Klinger.

I was an M.P.
once, too.

Don't feel bad, son.

Guy's a real pro.

You'll make it someday.

You think so, sir?

Absolutely. Never say die.

You're a real
inspiration, sir.

Sir? Sir, Major Burns
is on the phone.

He says he wants
to talk to you and B.J.

I'm busy.

He says it's the last time
he'll ever talk to you.

I can't pass that up.
Take care, doc.

B.J. Hey, thanks, Hawkeye.

Don't go around
condemning yourself.

Always get two
doctors' opinions.

What's that you said,
Charles?

How we doing? Oh, we're
doing fine. Thank you.

How you doing?

Oh, really? Well,
you'll get used to it.

Yes, Frank, yes.

We packed everything.

He wants to know if we
folded his underwear.

And we ironed your pleats.

What? He wants
to talk to you.

Yes, Frank.

You what?

Uh, Frank, we both
think that's wonderful.

Yeah. Frank, we're proud
to have known you.

Yeah. Best of luck
in your future, Frank.

Bye, Frank.

Hey, come on!
I'm responsible for that!

You seem a trifle irked.

The army,
in its infinite wisdom,

has not only cleared
Frank of the charges,

they have assigned him
to a veterans hospital
in Indiana

and promoted him
to Lieutenant Colonel.

Oh, no, no, no no!

I was just gonna complain
to my congressman.

Yeah? No, no!

Hello? Hello?

O'Reilly, just
the man I want to see.

Me?

Is there anyone else
in this room?

-No.
-Then it must be you.

Get me Tokyo General
hospital.

On the phone?

No, open the window
and yell.

Take that bag of phone
and do whatever voodoo you do

and get me Colonel Baldwin.

That won't do you any good,
sir. You're staying.

You pusillanimous
little squirt.

Don't you dare
to tell me I'm staying!

You get on that phone!

But I can't. It's--

No buts.
You start cranking.

Yes, sir.

I'm cranking.
I am. I'm cranking.

But it's broken.
Somebody madder than you
got to it first.

Corporal, I assure you,

nobody in Korea
is madder than me.

I'll take your word
for it, sir.

Corporal, fix the phone!

Fix it. Okay.

I don't care how.
What I care is when,

-and the when is now.
-Yes, sir. Okay. Right.

Because if you don't,
I am going to--

Winchester, you're not
going anywhere.

Colonel, I--
[clears throat]--

I think I should tell you

that my father
knows Harry Truman.

He doesn't like him,
but he knows him.

Fine. You have dad
call Harry.

Then Harry'll call me,

and maybe we'll
work something out.

In the meantime, vamoose.

All right, Colonel,
I am... vamoosing.

[muttering]
Fix the phone.

But know this.

You can cut me off
from the civilized world.

You can incarcerate me
with two moronic cell mates.

You can torture me with your
thrice-daily swill.

But you cannot break
the spirit of a Winchester.

My voice shall be heard
from this wilderness,

and I shall be delivered

from this fetid
and festering sewer.

Where do you want this, Doc?

In Tokyo, actually.

Tempo, Doc.
I got a lice appointment.

Set it down anywhere.

Over here.

Thank you much. Dismissed.

Nice hat, Klinger. New?

For tea dancing.

Who is that...
creature?

Corporal Klinger.

First man to kill a caribou
with a beaded purse.

Finish!

You have not
done the corners.

Finish!

You haven't made my bed.

Finish.

Why me? Why me?

Practically Chief of Thoracic
Surgery at Boston General

in this godforsaken...dump.

Me--a man who can
hum all four parts

of the Schubert
string quartets

and quote Spinoza from memory.

Well, that's the Army.

You know, supply and demand.

Attention, all personnel.

Mash 8063 is overloaded.

Their casualties
are on the way.

That's us, Charlie.

Let's go.
It's Howdy Doody time.

HAWKEYE: Come on,
Chuckles, shake it.

Let's go.

Are you speaking to me?

What's taking you so long?

In this camp, cleanliness
is next to impossible.

You just have
to kill the germs.

You don't have to hang
around for the funeral.

Look how high
he's scrubbing.

Maybe he's
going to operate
in evening gloves.

Gentlemen, I do
one thing at a time.

I do it very well,
and then I move on.

Can you doctors wiggle
your collective keister?

I've got three tables
facing the war.

And one of them is
a tricky bowel resection.

B.J. Or I will take it.
Dr. Pasteur is still
pasteurizing himself.

Well, uh, maybe we'd better
wait and let him do it.

It's kind of complicated.
As soon as you can, Winchester.

-All right.
-What's so great about him?

I do one thing at a time.
I do it very well,

and then I move on.

Gentlemen, please,

pay close attention
to this bowel resection.

I don't want to have to
show it to you twice.

[chuckles]

I'm not gonna play
second scalpel

to this garbanzo
for the rest of the war.

Why don't we avoid
the Christmas rush
and start hating him now?

Shattered patella.
Put him to sleep.

We're kind of
falling behind, Colonel.

-Winchester.
-Oh, really?

Can I help?

Is there a prayer
for my varicose veins?

Well, there's
a mailman's prayer

that might be effective.

Really sell it, Padre.
Next patient.

We're two up on you,
Winchester.

Shift into high gear.

I refuse to rush
through a bowel resection.

This is the rush hour,
Major.

Better get in the fast lane.

For your information,
I'm doing meticulous work.

Neatness don't count
in meatball surgery.

Is harassment standard
operating procedure?

Page 26 of the
surgeon songbook.

Another ambulance
just pulled in.

Eleven wounded really bad.

Holy moly.

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

Major, we can't spend two
hours on a bowel resection.

Charles, move on!

I'm moving on
as fast as I can.

B.J.: I'm finished here,
Charlie. Let me show you.

You show me?
Certainly not.

MARGARET:
Doctor, we do have shortcuts.

Shortcuts are sloppy surgery.

Doctor, if we can't
control the bleeding,
we're gonna lose him.

B.J., take over.
Winchester, watch him.

-Move it.
-Now see here.

Wounded egos come later.
For now just watch.

-Two big clamps.
-KLINGER: another customer.

I'll take him.
Give him a magazine

and tell him
I'll be right there.

When you're in a hurry,
cut the mesentery
between two big clamps

and forget daintiness.

Throw in a layer of catgut

and interrupted silk
in the serosa.

It'll leak.

No, it won't, and it'll
only take 20 minutes.

Klinger, let me see
that X-ray again.

I got it. Klinger
had to, uh, uh...

Oh, to be in the latrine
now that spring is here.

[jet passes overhead]

[groans]

Winchester,
don't feel so bad.
You'll catch on.

I felt like
an intern in there.

Everybody does
in the beginning.

First thousand patients
are the hardest.

Second day it gets easier.

I don't--

I don't think
I can adjust to this.

Look, we know
you're a good surgeon.

And even though
some good surgeons

wash out under these
conditions, you won't.

You're gonna make it.

Sure you will.

We're not any better than you.

It's just that by sheer
repetition, we've gotten fast.

Well...

you may be right.

If you people did it,
I certainly can.

Way to go, Charlie.

Come on over to my office.
We'll have a couple of belts.

Thank you, no.

If you don't mind, uh...

I'd rather be alone.

That is not a happy person.

Would you rather have Burns?

He was more fun
to be cruel to.

Do me a favor.

No practical jokes,
no horsing around

until he gets
broken in. Okay?

I wish you told us that

before we put
the snake in his bed.

♪♪ [classical]

B.J.: Hey, we got us
a new record player.

Please, Beej, Mozart.

Have you no respect
for classical music?

Are you kidding? I got
the "William Tell Overture"

-by Spike Jones.
-Oh.

[yells]

Clever. Very clever.

Please... Mozart.

♪♪ [theme]