All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E15 - The Price of Tomato Juice (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

[fly buzzing]

Camp's just crawling.
Who's insect officer?

I am, Colonel.

He forgot to wear
his wings today.

We're up to our butts
in larvae.

The Empire State Building
was sold yesterday

for $20 million.

Does that price
include King Kong?

He wasn't a real
ape-person, you know?

They used a model.

Fay Wray's real.

Luckily, she's only
six inches tall.

Good little actress.

You sirs mind
if I sit here?

You're very
democratic, Radar.

Hey, there's a fly
in my coffee.

Probably knows
you're insect officer.

Look at him. He's doin'
the Australian crawl.

Go Yale!

Radar, is that
tomato juice?

This red stuff,
yes, sir.

I haven't seen tomato juice
in donkey's years.

Reminds me of all
the goodies back home.

Kosher pickles.

-Apple pancakes.
-Escargot.

-What's that?
-Snails.

Oh, ick.
I would never eat a snail.

Nobody would.
That's why they started
to call 'em escargots.

Would you like
this juice, sir?

My lips never
touched the glass.

-No, I'll get some.
-Oh, please, sir. Take mine.

You're very kind, Radar.

Well, it's nice being
kind to you, sir.

You know, as captain,

I have the power
to marry you two.

Dee-lish.

Boy, that takes me back.

Last time I had tomato juice

was when I was
stationed at Camp Dix.

Mother and I had
a house on the base.

It was peacetime.

All I did was take out
the odd hot appendix

and teach dirty words
to our mynah bird.

-Rats!
-What?

My fly sank.

If he doesn't come up
in ten seconds,

I'm going in after him.

Ahhh. Thank you, Radar.

That tomato juice was
the oyster's ice skates.

You're welcome, sir.

Anybody needs me,

I'll be sending a latrinogram.

-Did you read the news?
-Years ago.

Thank you.

-Thanks again, Radar.
-Oh, yes, sir.

Shall we?

Radar, we'll be
in post-op.

Bill this to my room.
I'm in the cesspool suite.

And tell the cook
I'll get him if it
takes a lifetime.

What do they want from me?

I just serve this barf.

Hey, Klinger,
do me a favor?

[speaking Lebanese]

It's Lebanese. It means,
"If I fail my brother,

"may my camel lose his hump."
What do you want?

Colonel Potter really flipped
over that tomato juice.

You wanna make sure
he gets it every morning?

No chance.
The juice was a fluke.

We got a can by mistake.

It mostly goes to
the brass in the rear.

Helps them from getting
too depressed

going to the P.X.
All the time.

Maybe I could get
the requisition officer

to order some.

Our requisition officer?

This spillage
is wasteful, soldier.

Yes, sir.

You're losing half
your applesauce.

Apples don't grow
on trees, you know.

Oh, no, sir.

-What's your name, fella?
-Maxwell, sir.

Well, you're goin' on
K.P., Maxwell.

I am on K.P., sir.

Well, the minute you come
off, you're going on.

Uh, excuse me, sirs.

Did you bring any fresh
flies with you, Radar?

Uh, no. Hey, listen,

uh, you both like
Colonel Potter, right?

Very much.

I worship his
saddle sores.

-Taking a survey?
-Uh, no.

It's just that I
like him too,

and there's somethin'
I wanna do for him.

Very nice. You do that,
Radar. Do something nice.

Just remember,

no good deed ever
goes unpunished.

-Huh?
-What do you have in mind,

doing something
for him-wise?

Well, uh, I wanna make sure

that he gets tomato juice
every morning, except, uh,

Major Burns is in charge
of requisition, you know,

and I-I know he'll say no.

Major Burns is not very
long on human kindness.

Major Burns wouldn't
give a drowning man
a glass of water.

Should you give
a drowning man--

Major Burns
has no heart.

I tried giving him
a cardiograph,

and it spelled out I-O-U.

Well, would youse guys
please talk to him, sirs?

Done, Radar.

Boy, I bet if my little
brother had lived,

he'd have grown up
to be you two.

That's a pretty neat trick.

What's your hurry,
Father?

Oh, I like to get in
and get out fast.

Give the next
fellow a chance.

Oh, take your time.

The nurses certainly do.

Just stand in here and soap
their precious bodies

all over from
top to bottom.

Yes... well--

Oh! This cold water
is a blessing.

Ah, everyone worth knowing
is visiting the baths.

All of Rome is here.

No offense, Father.

Be out in a tick.

Just don't
leave it in there.

Frank, how'd you like
to do us a favor?

Take your favor and stick it
in your jumper.

-Oh, dear.
-Now, listen, Father,

these two aren't entitled
to any civility.

They stuff lard
in my gun belt.

They keep writing nasty
things on my shorts.

We like to send
threatening underwear.

Frank, this favor's
for Colonel Potter.

Oh, him.

Our commanding officer,
Frank.

Your commanding officer,
Skeezix, not mine.

Last month he said my brain
had a charley horse.

"Kick him in the shins,"
he said.

"Give Frank a headache."

He's got no sensitivity
for people's feelings.

He said it right in front
of two enlisted creeps.

He was making
a joke, Frank.

My brain is no joke.

Hold still, Frank.

-Did you get it?
-Get what?

Potter's crazy about
tomato juice, Frank.

We'd like you
to requisition some.

Not on your Nelly.
It's too expensive.

Each month I've only
got so much to spend.

Frank, stop trying to bring
the war in under budget.

You're gonna win the
Distinguished Stingy Cross.

I hope you can see
your way clear, Frank.

I think the world
of Colonel Potter.

He's a good Christian,
yet hardly dull at all.

Well, Frank?

Is that a smile?

It's so hard to tell
when a man has no lips.

You can have your tomato juice
on one condition.

HAWKEYE: What's that?

I need a pair of nylons.

A pair of nylons?

Varicose veins?

They're not for me.

Of course not.

They're not for her, either.

What her is that, Frank?

Uh, they're for, uh...

one of the nurses who's
performed well in the O.R.

Why haven't I ever thought
of taking one in there?

We get you the nylons,
Potter gets the juice?

That's it, shorty.

-Frank?
-Hmm?

How can we ever
thank you?

Oh, now, come on.
Get out! Out!

Get out of here
you crazy--

Now, stop it!
That is not funny at all!

♪ When I hear that
Serenade in Blue ♪

♪ I'm somewhere in another
world alone with you ♪

Hey, Klinger,
you got a minute?

Me? Where would
I get a minute?

I'm up at dawn
hauling patients in
and out of the O.R.,

then it's over
to the hospital,

where I know every bedpan
by its first name.

Then it's sentry duty.
Over to kitchen

to peel a few hundred
potatoes just for laughs.

When am I supposed to
rinse out a few things,

set my hair,
iron a dress?

It's really rough
on a guy.

Who cares? Nobody cares.
You can bet

MacArthur doesn't have to
rinse out his own nylons.

Speaking of which,
how much you want for those?

Forget it.
That's my lucky pair.

-Oh, come on.
-I'm not kidding.

They belonged
to my uncle Bob.

He wore 'em to get out
of the navy in World War II.

Klinger, we need 'em
for Colonel Potter.

I need 'em
for my freedom.

-We'll get you
a little freedom.
-We will?

Two-day pass down in Seoul.
Two whole days.

That's a stocking a day.

You know, you're a very
persuasive person.

You'd've made
a terrific hood.

Uh, I'm still young yet.

Sir, ha ha,
first the pass.

Are you in, sir?

Wouldn't surprise
me at all, Radar.

Uh, sir, I got some stuff
here for you to sign.

If you'll just
sign it fast,

it'll only hurt
a minute.

I can't tell you
how many times

I've written my signature
in the service.

Next camp I get,
I put in my wife's name.

Uh, No need for glasses, sir.
This is just, uh, routine.

Just need to replace
some sutures and...

Mm-hmm.

Some, uh, thermometers
that got sat on.

-Mm-hmm.
-Nothing important.

What's this?

Uh, which "this" is that, sir?

Two-day pass for
Corporal Klinger? Why?

Uh, "why?"

I asked first.

Uh, well, he put in
for one, sir.

It's ridiculous.
He's gone AWOL

four times this month.

He's forever digging,
wriggling, flying,

sidling, tunneling
out of here.

A pass?

He needs a pass
to get into the place.

Uh, he's really
pooped, sir.

He's worn out
to a frazzle.

No, I just got an order
from General Barker.

Seoul's crawling
with V.I.P.s.

It's election time
back home.

There are a lot
of congressmen here

to check on how to improve
conditions at cocktail parties.

Ah.

"All forward units
are ordered to restrict

recreational leaves
indefinitely."

Aw, poor Klinger.

He's in bad shape?

I think he's ready
to bite a tank, sir.

Okay, get me General
Bradley Barker in Seoul.

Gee, sir, you sure know how
to take care of your people.

I got a soft spot
for Klinger.

He looks a little
like my son,

and he dresses
a lot like my wife.

-I'll get you--
-Get me General Bradley
Barker in Seoul, Radar.

Barker.
General Bradley Barker.

General Bradley Barker.

Bradley.
General Bradley Barker.

Bradley Barker.

Hi, Sparky?
Uh, yeah, it's Radar.

Uh, listen, Sparky,
um, my boss wants

General Bradley Barker
at, uh, I Corps H.Q.

Right. I'll hold.

Hey, listen, uh, Sparky?

Yeah, thanks a lot
for that book you sent me,

that, uh, Fanny Hill.

Oh, yeah, it was great.

Only thing is, uh,
by the time it got to me,

the last chapter
was torn out.

Well, I don't know
how it ended.

Who did it?

Everybody?

Hot churokees.

Oh, you got him?
Okay, hold on.

It's General Barker, sir.

Uh, it's his aide,
Major Mills.

Uh, the colonel's ready
for the general, Major.

The major's got
the general, Colonel.

Brad? Sherman Potter.

Fine. Fine.

She's fine too.

How's your lovely bride?

Woman's got such
a crepey neck,

every Thanksgiving she's
in danger of being stuffed.

Listen, Brad, I've got
a small favor to ask.

I'd like to send a corporal
of mine down to Seoul

for a couple of days,
and I'd like your people

to stay off his back.
He needs a little rest.

Bug house, you know.

Like you were
in Heidelberg,

slipping into that
S.S. uniform every night.

This guy puts on
ladies' dresses.

Hmm?

No, he's not pretty.

Corporal Klinger's
his name,

and I'm very
grateful, Brad.

Thank you.

What?

Yes.

Major Houlihan?
Margaret Houlihan?

She's still here. Yes.

When?

For this weekend?

Well, I'll ask her, Brad.
I certainly will ask her.

I'll let you know. Right.

Bye, Brad.

General Barker wants
Major Houlihan

to be his guest for
the weekend down in Seoul,

and he wants me
to arrange it, Radar.

Yes, sir.

If it works out,
maybe I'll get myself

a few majors
and go into business.

I'm delighted you asked
especially for me, sir.

I'm always ready
to assist you.

Leg wound. Just a superficial
laceration.

We won't be long.

Oh, I don't mind, Colonel.

I'm completely
devoted to my work

and consider it a privilege
to sacrifice my free time

without making
any mention of it at all.

-Clamp.
-Clamp.

I really had something
to ask you, Major,

but I don't know
if I will now.

-Sponge.
-What is it, sir?

Well, I talked
to Seoul before,

and I'm really doing
a slow burn about it.

To whom were
you talking, sir?

-General Barker.
-Brad Barker?

General Bradley Barker, sir?

Right.

I served under him
at Fort Ord.

Suction.

What did the general
want, sir?

He had the gall to ask me
to fix him up with you.

[sighing]
Fix him up, with me?

This weekend
down in Seoul.

Some big social do.

Really?

Said he'd send
his car for you.

Really?

A reception.

Lots of V.I.P.s,
wall-to-wall brass.

Really?

He didn't have the guts
to ask you direct,

so he goes through me,
the C.O.

And figures I'll come
crawling on all fours.

I'll call him back
and tell him

to take his soiree
and stuff it.

Oh, no, sir,
don't do that.

-Lap sponge.
-Don't trouble yourself.

It'll be my pleasure.

No, Colonel,
really, please.

I'm willing to go.

Major, you don't have to.

I know.

Nothing bores me more
than a crowd of generals

and correspondents
from all over the world.

Diplomats just standing
around, sipping champagne,

especially when I could
be here helping you

drain the pus out of a leg.
But who knows?

My presence there
might just help the 4077.

Won't mean a thing to us.
We don't need 'em.

I might be able
to borrow some plasma,

beg some blankets,
some instruments.

Don't beg 'em
for anything. Sutures.

I'll do it, sir.

I'll do it for the good
of the outfit.

You're one hell of a gal.

Not at all.

I'll get some nurse
to cover for me,

run a quick comb
through my hair.

You call Brad--

General what's-his-name.

Go over the top, soldier.

But why go into Seoul now?

I mean, if you wait a couple
of weeks, we can go together.

Because I have a chance
to go this weekend.

I just don't know why
you want to go alone

and not with me.

Look, I can go alone
and then with you.

It doesn't make
any difference.

Well, you're certainly
anxious to get out of here.

Frank, do you think
I want to go?

It's hospital business.

I'm doing it for the 4077th.

Doing what for the 4077th?

Getting supplies.

General Barker has suddenly
called me to a meeting.

General Barker?
Isn't he the one

that once asked you
to spank him?

I don't think so.

You don't think so?

Well, I know
two General Barkers.

And this one called you
to a supply meeting tonight.

-That's right.
-A night meeting?

Don't ask me why.

Will there be refreshments?

Probably.

Why are you taking your pumps?

Why? How do I know?
There might be dancing.

A dancing meeting?

Well, why not, Frank?
I mean, we're not machines.

A night dancing meeting?

To discuss supplies?

I'm warning you, Margaret.

This is the last time

you use my heart
as a bath mat.

I'm groveling to you to let
me keep my self-respect.

Don't go, Margaret!

Oh, Frank, stop sniveling.

You have seen my last snivel.

Well, let's hope so.

Are you trying
to scare me, lady?

I don't have to
scare you, Frank.

And I don't need this!

I'm a happily
married man, you know?

Frank!

Oh, Frank.

-Major Burns, sir?
-Out of my way, Corporal,

or I'll grind you
into the ground.

Sir, I got something
to show you.

Out! Or I'll have
your guts for garters.

Well, sir, this is
something you wanted.

You know what I want,
Corporal?

I want you to go away.

I want Korea
to go away.

I want to wake up
tomorrow morning

in my own bed

with my wife sleeping
on her side

with her schnauzer
between us.

Oh, we'd all like that, sir.

But, Major, in the meantime,
I-I-I got you your stockings.

My stockings?

Your nylons, sir.
Don't you remember?

You said if you got 'em,

you'd order the tomato juice
for Colonel Potter.

If your precious colonel, who
is such a doddering old fool,

he practically has to be
glued to the latrine

so he doesn't fall off,

has to have
his precious juice,

then stick two tomatoes
in his mouth,

take him down
to the motor pool,

and press his head
in a vise!

[fly buzzing]

What makes him so rotten?

In Frank's case,
it's a gift.

He has raised selfishness
and pettiness to an art.

Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

-Sure. Sure.
-He made a deal, though.

I mean, that's not fair.

Radar, what's fair?

Being 20,000 miles home?

Up Korea
without a paddle?

I'm so lonely,
I could kiss a gopher.

I think I just did.
[spit]

What does Major Burns
see in Major Houlihan anyway?

Mainly, she's here.

While Mrs. Burns
is back in Indiana

teaching
Frigid 1 and 2.

I wish you'd guys
talk English.

[yelling]

[groaning]

They're all they've got,
Radar.

Two kind of beat-up people,
who, when they get together,

barely have one heart
between them.

What young Radar needs

is for old Margaret
to remain here in camp,

which would allow middle-aged
Frank to give her the nylons,

which, in turn, would result
in Colonel Potter's

getting the tomato juice.

Which it'll never happen.

Careful, Radar.

You are throwing down
the gauntlet of challenge

before Hawkeye Pierce,

a man raised on
the legend of...

Prince Valiant.

You have an actual
idea, Prince?

No, but I'm not
letting Radar down.

Oh, thank you, sir.

He's been like
a son to me.

Ever since I found him
hungry and cold,

half-buried in a box
of kitty litter.

He didn't really.

[fly buzzing]

[metal clanking]

What the hell is that?

[knocking]

Coming, driver.
One moment.

-What do you want?
-Uh--

-What is this?
-Flowers, ma'am.

I can see they're
flowers, Corporal.

I've been to the country.

Well, whoever give 'em
to me says, uh,

"Give these to
Major Houlihan,

the most marvelous person
in the whole camp."

Anemones.

Yeah, but he wants
to be friends now.

Put them in some water
for me, will you, Corporal?

Uh, yes, I will, ma'am.

Hasn't a staff car
arrived for me yet?

A staff car, ma'am?

Yes, a general's car.
It's picking me up.

A general's car.

-A car with stars?
-A stars car.

No, it hasn't
arrived yet, ma'am.

-Um, aren't you
gonna read the note?
-What?

-There's a note
with words on it.
-Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.
Oh, my heavens, yes.

I was, uh, told to wait
for an answer, ma'am.

Oh, yes, yes.

Uh, take this to, uh,
the flower person,

right away, Corporal.

-Good news, ma'am?
-Good news?

[laughing]

Yes. Hurry. Go on.

Go. Get him.

[Humming the Wedding March]

So don't waste any
compassion on me, soldier.

-[fly buzzing]
-If you say so, sir.

Devotion,
trust, faithfulness--

these are all
wonderful qualities.

Only be careful
on whom you bestow them to

because of
the old double-cross.
You understand?

Doing my best, sir.

Take me.

Always leading with my heart...

wading in with my mitts down.

And getting
hit in the choppers.

Let me finish my sentence,
okay, soldier?

Sorry, sir.

And always getting
hit below the belt.

That's worse
than the choppers.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Major Burns, sir.

What is it, Corporal?

Can't I enjoy a little
misery in peace?

Uh, I'm sorry, sir.

I just thought you might
be interested in knowing

I just crossed
the compound--

I have no interest
in the compound.

He has no
compound interest.

Oh, all right.
It's just, um,

Major Houlihan told me
to give you this note.

Give me that! [panting]

Oh, this is wonderful.
Wonderful!

-Good news, sir?
-Good news?

W-while everything is so
wonderful and good, sir,

would you please sign
this requisition?

Of course. Of course.

Don't sell romance
short, fella.

Have faith.

The drinks are
on me, everybody!

He's crazier than I am.

He's a major.

[knocking]

FRANK: Margaret.

[sighing]

Come in.

Frank, darling.

My precious girl.

You didn't have
to do it again.

Again?

Wildflowers from my
favorite wild fella.

Oh, Frank,
I'm so proud of you.

So proud of your courage.

Well, courage
is just something

you can't be
afraid to have.

You have a golden tongue.

Margaret, I'm so
grateful to you.

Grateful?

For not leaving
me tonight.

For not leaving
you forever.

Of course, forever.

All the way
to the end of that.

All the way.
Like in the note it said.

"Yours tonight and always.
Margaret."

"Let me come to you on my
knees to propose. Frank."

Frank who?

Oh, "Frank who?" Frank you.

-Margaret, dear.
-Yes, darling?

Well, no kidding.

Who else do you know
named Frank?

[chuckles]

[honking]

-I'm here for General Barker.
-All right.

Uh, where can I find
a Major Houlihan?

You sit tight. We deliver.

[knocking]

Have a good time, Major.

We'll look after
the nurses for you.

B.J.:
Here you are, Major.

Why do I feel like
we're the ugly sisters?

-It can't be.
-What's that, Sergeant?

She looks like
she needs a shave.

She's been on duty all day.

It says here
the population back home

is up above 150 million.

Where are they
gonna put all of 'em?

America may have to
open a branch country.

What do you think Korea is?

-Morning, sir.
-Morning, Radar.

-Here you go, sir.
-Oh, no thanks, Radar.

The country just can't
handle that many.

-Sir?
-Having babies is fun,

but babies grow up
into people.

Uh, sir,
that's tomato juice.

Oh, I know it's tomato juice.
Anybody want it?

-Don't you want it?
-Don't you love it?

I do,
but it doesn't love me.

I forgot I was
allergic to it.

Last glass you gave me,

I woke up
in the middle of the night

with my nose stuffed
to the rafters,

looking like I was wearing
someone else's face.

I can't touch the stuff.

And it's got a fly in it.

That was a generous and
thoughtful gesture, Radar.

I appreciate it.

But it was all
for nothing, sir.

Kindness is never
for nothing, son.

Only the next time you want
to give me a surprise--

-I'll tell you what it it.
-...tell me what it is first.

[door opens]

-Colonel Potter.
-Yes.

General Barker sends
his compliments, sir.

He thanks you for Corporal
Klinger's company.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Great guy, the general.
We had a million laughs.

-General Barker?
-Yes, sir.

He saved me from a senator

who couldn't
keep his hands off me.

Really?

It's like I always say--

the bigger they are,
the nicer they are.

♪♪ [theme]