All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E11 - Of Moose and Men (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

[jeep engine racing]

-FRANK: Slow down, Pierce!
-Yes, Frank.

-Come on, watch it!
-Yes, dear.

-Hey, stop!
-What?

Stop here.

Are you crazy, Frank?

I wanna get
a shot of this.

[gunshots]

So do they! Get in!

[gunshots continue]

FRANK: Letting her go
without a search, Sergeant?

Mind your own branch
of the service, Frank.

That's perfect
camouflage for a bomb.

A bomb?

The woman's obviously
eight months gone

with a Sherman tank.

Enemy infiltration's
everywhere, chum.

And it's not funny.

[horn honking]

[mud sloshing]

HAWKEYE:
Sorry, Colonel.

You idiot.

I said I was sorry.

Sorry don't feed
the bulldog!

You want me
to launder it?

I know a great little rock
down by the stream.

Who is this man, Major?

Ahem.
Captain Pierce, sir.

Uh, personally,
I'm Major Burns.

Uh, we're surgeons
with, uh, 4077.

You don't care a hoot about
military courtesy, do you?

All you doctors care
about is medicine.

Oh, I don't, sir.
I mean, I'm different.

You operate the
same way you drive?

With your eyes closed?

Colonel, yesterday,
a Korean bus hit a mine

a couple of miles
up the road.

We spent the entire night
sewing 80 pieces of anatomy

into 40 civilians.

I'm sleepy, I'm hungry,
I'm tired,

and I'm sorry
about your uniform.

If you send me your size,
I'll knit you a new one.

How goes it, Zale?

Terrific.

If it was goin' any better,
I'd kill myself.

Sergeant, you can't drink
this early in the morning.

I know. I keep trying.

What is it?
Or do you mind telling me?

I don't mind telling you.

It's bourbon.
You want some?

I had just enough
bourbon last night.

Unfortunately, I had
just enough gin as well.

Letter.

[explosion]

Sounds like the truce
talks are going well.

Nine years
we were married.

The woman's body
was sacred to me.

Lying next to her was
like being in church.

I had no idea you
were so religious.

Read this.

I've read those letters.

"Funny thing happened, dear.

"One of your suits came
back from the cleaners

"with somebody else
in it," right?

I'll read it.

-It says here she's sorry.
-Yeah, sorry.

-She loves you.
-Loves me, loves me.

Sorry.

Has an affair with
the joker next door,

and she wants me
to forgive her.

She says it's you
she wants, not him.

Ah, I'll never get her back.

He'll keep her in the closet

with the power drill
he never returned.

One married man to another,

the woman that wrote that
deserves another chance.

Yeah. I'll give her
another chance.

I'll stick a grenade
in her girdle.

Hey, a little
understanding, huh?

She may have done it for you--

to get your power drill back.

Zale, scream, cry,
yodel, anything.

But don't hit. Don't--

You hit.

Congratulations,
Sergeant.

You just turned your
right hand into a maraca.

After I set it, you can
sit in with the relief band.

How come I don't
feel no pain?

It's swimming upstream
against the bourbon.

[chatter]

Corpsman! Let's go!

I need some bodies here!

We got two for pre-op.

I need, uh,
some whole blood
and some sedation.

I give the orders
here, Captain.

Let's get him
into pre-op.

We need some whole
blood and sedation.

I wish I'd said that.

-What have we got?
-Grenade fragments.

Checkpoint just
down the road.

We almost bought it
ourselves, sir.

Oh, we did not.

This one's an enemy
infiltrator.

Now, be careful.
He could be rigged.

Right. His shorts
could go off any second.

Listen, bub, I almost
got killed out there.

All right, Major.

Don't get your clusters
in an uproar.

Move 'em.

Uh. Put me down.
That's an order.

All right.

What's the problem,
Colonel?

I demand transportation
to the 121st Evac Hospital.

This is where you
want your surgery.

You're at the best
MASH unit in Korea.

Give or take
a few thumbs.

I don't want that man
touching me.

-We met.
-He outdid himself in rudeness.

Thanks, Frank.

Get started
on the Korean.

-Someone got a sedative
for this man?
-Yes, sir.

Well, why do I have
to work on the Korean?

I mean, he always
gets the cowboys,

and I'm stuck
with the Indians.

I'm one-fourth Cherokee.

Oh.

How.

What are you doing back there?

Stealing a smoke.

Let's lower his pants.

I'll have your butt for this.

Seems only fair.

He'd sink to the bottom of
the pool with that in him.

-[clank]
-I hear ticking.

Yeah? Did you
check his navel

for a time bomb, Frank?

Don't think I didn't,
fella.

Uh, give me a knife.

What are you doing?

Extending the incision.

Uh, have a large
rib retractor ready.

After I, uh, retract
the lung, you'll see why.

[metal clatters]

Shrapnel in
the heart muscle.

A simple rearrangement
of God's handiwork

by explosives.

Oh, pipe down, will ya?

He's dying as quietly
as he can, Frank.

Suction here.

Can't trust any
of these people.

-More here.
-Treacherous, deceitful.

Pickups with teeth.

And clever, boy.

They don't all look alike
by accident, you know.

[groan]

[sigh] Good.

NURSE: Very good.

6-year-old cuts into
a box of Cracker Jacks

to find the prize...

and the next thing he knows,
he's a surgeon.

A crackerjack surgeon.

[laughing]

Nice of you to write
this letter for me, Captain.

I plaster hands
and cement relations.

Dear who?

Uh, Hillda.
That's with two L's.

Captain Hunnicutt,
one of the docs here,

is writing this letter
for me--

Slow down.

My dictation cost me
my last eight jobs.

Oh.

...because my right hand
is out of action.

Better?

Go on.

Where do I take it
from there?

War is a time of loneliness
and deprivation

-for a soldier.
-Ah, I like that.

And for the wife
he leaves behind.

But I see you kicked
the loneliness habit,

and you ain't been
so deprived, either.

Try again.

When I read your letter,

naturally I was hurt.

-To the quick.
-Yeah. There, too.

Nine years I gave that woman
love, trust, and devotion,

and how does she pay me back?
She cheats on me.

Easy. The class theme
is forgiveness.

Forgive her? Forget it.

I made that woman a queen.

Whatever she wanted--

hi-fi, a beaver coat,
her own bowling shoes.

I sent her brother
through college.

I paid for every tooth
in her mother's head.

You're clearly
a humanitarian, Sergeant.

One more humane act.

Humane?
I'll show you humane.

Don't. The right hand
got away with it.

The left one
goes to the stockade.

Yeah. Where was I?

Try this.

You're a beautiful woman,
Hillda,

and a lovely wife,

and I very much want
to spare you any more pain.

Eh, I don't know about that.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention,
Captain Hunnicutt.

Captain Hunnicutt, please
report to the hospital.

Major Burns probably taped
himself to a patient again.

-We'll finish later.
-Yeah, right.

Whatever she wanted:

a charm bracelet, steam iron,

plastic wedgies.

[squawking]

RADAR [funny voice]:
Ooh, Charlie tastes good!

FRANK:
Everyone here, Corporal?

All presently
accounted for, sir.

Who's this one?

Uh, this is Mr. Park,
the peddler, sir.

Oh, yes!

You can get anything
from Mr. Park,

including a bullet
in the head.

Confiscate this weapon.

That's not a weapon, sir.
It's a lighter.

Interesting,
most interesting.

Yes.

Hmm.

Uh, this is Kim
the houseboy, sir.

Uh, Kim is very good
at repairing

electric shavers
and things.

Uh-huh, and wiring
a stick or two

of dynamite together,
eh, Kim?

Blow up a few
white devils?

Uh, ahem, this is,
uh, Mrs. Shin.

Uh, she does the laundry
for the nurses.

Are you aware, Corporal,

that you can shave
a bar of soap,

turn it into powder,
set a detonator inside,

and pow, it'll explode?

Sure kill the laundry,
wouldn't it?

Uh, this is Charlie,
her son.

That's an innocent
looking child.

He's 6 years old.

That's what they all say.

That size, yeah.
That juvenile appearance.

Be perfect cover
for, uh...

who knows what.

Major!

And what's this, huh?

It's a sandwich.

Oh, it may look
like a sandwich,

but you open it,
and it's--

Ham.

No eating in the ranks.

From now on, Corporal,

-camp security'll
be tight as a drum.
-Yes, sir.

No more door-to-door
peddling.

No more come and go
as you likee.

Every morning, you all
see the guard for a pass.

You will keep your soap
visible and in bar form

and exit the area
no later than 1:00 p.m.

And you...

no more freeloadin'
in the mess tent.

You savvy?

Will that be all, sir?

Just about, Corporal.

[clang]

Hit the deck!

Just a baseball, sir.

Must've gotten away
from somebody.

Well, it might've
been one of theirs.

I don't think
they play baseball.

Ah, here you go,
Lieutenant.

-Thanks, Radar.
-Yo.

Should I dismiss
the locals now, sir?

Yeah, I guess.

He wants ten bucks
for the lighter.

I'll take it. But I'll
only give him five.

-Uh, seven-fifty.
-Seven-fifty?

It's his country.

Six and not a penny more.

I can't say "six" in Korean.

Well, then say
"five and 100 pennies."

-Uh, six and 100 pennies.
-Done.

Seven bucks.

-Huh.
-Oh, I woke you. I'm sorry.

No, no, let's try it again
tomorrow at my place.

Have you been here
all night?

Every CC of it.

Lieutenant Snyder
wasn't on duty

to do her nails, Captain.
She's a nurse.

No offense.

He needed a doctor,
not a nurse.

Twice his chest tubes
plugged up on him.

If I wasn't here,
he'd have been busted
down to cadaver.

How's he doing?

Fine.
Respiration's normal

and no blood
through the tube.

Then he'll live.

I've been trying
to break it to you

as gently as possible.

Couple of months,
he'll be out

checking natives
under the armpits again.

There's only one reason
this man didn't die.

Yeah. H.Q. didn't cut
him his orders.

I've never seen you
work better.

Somebody tell him.

Somebody will,
I'm sure.

In the meantime,

I'd like to congratulate
you myself, Doctor.

I'm honored, touched,

and aroused.

Why must you always
spoil things?

I'll kiss whatever you like
and make it better.

How about you?

A bomb.

They're burying a bomb.

-He's just come
out of it, sir.
-Good.

Well, you're gonna be
all right, Colonel.

The worst is over.

-Colonel.
-Yes?

That officer... Pierce.

An oddball.

Must make
an example of him.

He already is a fine example
of an oddball officer.

-The best.
-Hmm.

Has no respect
for the uniform.

Well, he's never in it anyway.

No respect for authority.

No respect for the war.

Whoa, whoa, Colonel.
Whoa.

I demand disciplinary
action against him.

If you don't take it,
I will.

You? You're only a bunch
of tubes running in and out.

You have to go to the latrine
by remote control.

-You're a sick man.
-Ahh...

You'd be napping

in a mattress cover
over at the morgue

if it wasn't for Pierce
working on you.

Hmm?

He operated? Not you?

Lucky for you, yes.

But the last thing I said--

Would've been the last
thing you ever said.

If Pierce wasn't
your surgeon,

you'd be a bag
of cold cuts now.

Jumpin' jodhpurs, man!
I'm regular army, too.

Hash marks down
to the ground.

I started in the cavalry.

Learned to look at life
from the top of a horse.

Well, sometimes I feel
I'm still on a horse,

only I'm looking back
down at a horse's--

I'm not criticizing
your command, Colonel.

It's that-- that goof-off.

That goof-off
saved your can.

You're alive and kicking,
kicking like an army mule,

because of that man's skill
and dedication as a surgeon.

Sufferin' saddle soap!

You owe your life
to that man!

RADAR:
Ha ha ha! It's a miss!

Yeah. Okay. You ready
for my shot?

Okay. Uh, G3.

Right.

Uh, we're playing battleship.

Not getting enough war
around here?

Whoo! I did it! I won!
I sunk a carrier!

Imagine? A carrier.

Round of drinks
for the bridge.

Yeah, hey, listen, Sparky,

Yeah, listen,
I got to go now.

Right. Over and out.
Thanks a lot.

Boy, I never won before.
That's terrific.

Congratulations, Admiral.

Ah, thanks.

Have you seen
Sergeant Zale?

Uh, yeah, I tied
his shoelaces for him

-about 20 minutes ago.
-Where was that?

Uh, in front of his tent.

Uh, he's not out
in front of his tent now,

nor is he inside.

Did you try
the officers' club?

Yeah, they untied his
shoelaces there last night.

He hasn't been back since.

-I don't know, then.
-If he shows up,

tie both his shoes
together and call me.

I finished his letter.

Okay.

You like your ice cream
all mushy?

The mushier, the better.

You like Chinese food?

Like to walk in the rain?

Y-Yes, sir.

You could have been my wife.

Yes, sir.

Uh, sir?

Uh, he might be
with his moose.

Again, Radar?

I said Sergeant Zale
might be with his moose.

[chuckles]
The sergeant
has a moose?

Oh, uh, sir, a moose

is a Korean girlfriend
of the opposite sex.

This one's hut
is down the road

by the bend near where we
bury the arms and legs.

How's the colonel?

Stable.

-Respiration okay?
-Fine.

-Temperature? B.P.? Pulse?
-All normal.

Well, they sure don't
write emergencies

the way they used to.

It wasn't an emergency.

He was just anxious
to see you.

Any idea why?

To thank you?

Colonel.

Captain Pierce.

I just had a talk with
your C.O. about you.

-My stethoscope was burning.
-Mmm.

Said you did a...

bang-up job on me.

-Thank you, Colonel.
-Thank him.

He's the one
that said it.

Well, uh, don't
you have anything

you want to say
about my bang-up job?

I'm not your
commanding officer.

I just thought that,
considering you came in here

in more pieces
than a Tinker Toy,

and considering I busted
my butter knife

to put all those pieces
back together again,

you just might wanna
say "Thank you," too.

I'm an artillery
officer, Pierce.

I've bombed the hell out of
targets you couldn't see

if you stood on top of 'em.

And nobody ever thanked me.

Oh.

Uh, Colonel, just...

exactly what did you
want to see me about?

Your C.O.,
he's a good man.

I've got a lot of
respect for him.

As a personal
favor to him,

I'm not gonna lower
the boom on you.

-You're not--
-Although God knows I should.

And that hat...

and robe, no shave.

You're a disgrace
to your commission.

Nevertheless, you're not
gonna lower the boom.

Yeah, I'm lettin' you
off the hook.

Letting me off the hook.

-This time.
-Yeah.

And next time, watch it.

Colonel Spiker, sir...

I don't know how
to thank you for this.

Mmm, Captain Pierce?

-Yes, sir?
-Forget it.

Forget it?
He told me to forget it.

Another bottle here.
Put it on my tab.

Bless you, sir,
bless you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Good morning, ma'am.

Can I interest you
in a year's subscription

to Shack and Garden?

Thank you.

Hey, Doc, come on--
Come on in.

It's very nice.
Right cozy.

Yeah.
Uh, have a couple eggs?

Fresh off the lawn.

Eggs Benedict Arnold, right?

Nourishing but treacherous.

Eggs what?

No, thanks.

Oh, uh,
some coffee, then?

Had my fill
at the mess tent.

You remember the mess tent,
don't you, Sergeant?

We met there yesterday

while you were drinking
some antifreeze.

Her name is Suki.

How do you do, Suki?

She don't understand
a word of English.

Who is your interpreter?

Don't need none.

She practically
reads my mind.

I wasn't thinking that.

So you bagged
yourself a moose.

Well, uh, you--
Yeah. Heh heh heh.

Need a hunting permit

or just rewrite
your marriage license?

Who knows when we could
be knocked off, Doc.

You know, we're three miles
from the front.

That's pretty close
to the action.

Yeah, some of us
are a little closer to
the action than others.

Look, Doc, I don't make up
the rules around here.

I mean, I'm a man, you know?

It's, uh, not
the same with a man.

[laughing]

Carry your own double
standard into battle, Zale.

Uh, what's this?

I took the liberty of
finishing your letter

to Mrs. Zale East.

All it needs is
your John Hancock,

or, uh, Syngman Rhee,
if you like.

Ah...

Pretty understanding,
ain't I?

Yeah, well, you're
just that kind of guy.

"To wrap it up, honey,

to err is human,
to forgive divine."

Or, as in your case,
the other way around.

Give me a pen.

What are you doing,
Frank?

You're gonna have to move.

I'm not moving, Frank.

I called ahead six months
ago for this field.

Go play someplace else.

I'm warning you, Pierce.
You could be in danger.

No, Frank, you could
be in danger.

I'm very tired, Frank.

You know how cranky I get
when I haven't had my nap.

Listen, you could be
sitting on the biggest
bomb in Korea!

Frank, I think it's
only fair to warn you

that my falcon will be
here in 30 seconds.

It's over here, Private.
This way.

What's Frank up to?

I think he's vacuuming Korea.

Eisenhower's coming.
He wants everything just so.

Can I help, Frank?

I saw two natives

burying a bomb out here.

You know, obviously

to destroy the whole
installation.

Frank, you're paranoid.

I am not.

When did you see it?

When I was checking
my toothpaste

for explosives.

You were checking
your toothpaste

for explosives, Gracie?

-Here, sir, here.
-What?

-Fresh earth.
-Oh, I saw that!

It was with Paul Muni
and Luise Rainer.

Yeah, dig, Private.

Dig, dig, dig!
Back, everybody, back.

That's far enough.

I think I've
hit something, sir.

Yeah, well-well,
uh, lift it out

very carefully.

Paranoid, huh?
[laughs]

What smells?

Frank's bomb.

-Don't!
-See?

It's a kimchi pot, Frank.

Kimchi!

Pickled cabbage.

They ferment it
in the ground.

There are millions of these
buried all over Korea.

I'd get title to
this land, Major,

before word gets out.

Huh?

Don't you understand, man?

You've struck coleslaw.

Let's hear it
for the major, folks.

Isn't he great?
He'll be back, folks,

just after he changes
for the 11:00 bomb.

♪♪

Hard day at the office?

I put a colonel
back together.

Used the spare parts
of two majors.

Good thinking.

-You?
-Nothing today.

Set Sergeant Zale's
hand yesterday.

Got a "Dear John"
from his wife

and tried to go ten rounds
with the mess tent stove.

Un, deux, trois.

-[pop]
-What? What? What?

HAWKEYE: Fastest
lighter in the West.

♪♪ [theme]