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1
00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:05,804
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:09,107
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:12,711
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,964
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:19,118
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:22,604
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,673 --> 00:00:24,434
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:25,890
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:30,929
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,653 --> 00:00:38,620
Dad, can you help me
with my French homework?
11
00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:41,439
Yeah, sure, why not?
What's the word for fish?
12
00:00:41,508 --> 00:00:43,019
Poisson.
Good.
13
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,609
Dog?
Chien.
14
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,089
Seal?
Phoque.
15
00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:47,396
Chris, watch your language!
16
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,449
No, that's how you say
seal in French, phoque.
17
00:00:50,517 --> 00:00:52,197
He's right, Lois, look.
18
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,838
Hey, here, I'll help you
remember. What's this?
19
00:00:56,907 --> 00:00:58,824
A lazy phoque.
Good.
20
00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:01,876
Dumb phoque.
Good.
21
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:04,542
Sick phoque.
Good.
22
00:01:06,117 --> 00:01:07,583
Sick, twisted phoque.
23
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:08,651
Good.
24
00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:11,036
Cluster phoque.
25
00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:16,802
Ugly phoque and bitch.
26
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,710
Good job, Chris.
I think you're ready.
27
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,246
And remember,
you can use that word
as much as you want.
28
00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:23,682
Even home,
at the dinner table,
in front of your parents.
29
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,151
Because it's French,
and French is classy.
30
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,554
Okay, I'm off.
31
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,389
Well, we knew
this day would come.
32
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,057
Good luck wherever you wind up.
33
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,636
Take care, buddy.
Call if you want.
34
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,405
If not, take care of yourself.
35
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,795
I'm just going away
for a few days.
36
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:39,931
Oh.
Oh, okay.
37
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,917
Yeah, there's a seminar
on creating...
38
00:01:41,986 --> 00:01:43,563
Really? It would be
that easy for you?
39
00:01:43,587 --> 00:01:45,615
What?
You thought I was
leaving forever
40
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,517
and you just said,
"Good luck"? What
the hell was that?
41
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,741
Brian, take it easy.
You're not leaving forever.
42
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,476
You're just leaving
for a few days.
43
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:52,655
What do you want, a parade?
44
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:53,723
You know what?
Never mind.
45
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,930
Look, Brian, face it,
you're a dog.
46
00:01:55,999 --> 00:01:58,333
The fact that your last name
is Griffin is a pleasantry
47
00:01:58,402 --> 00:02:00,935
extended from our family,
not by any legality.
48
00:02:01,004 --> 00:02:02,615
Yeah, and someday,
when you're ready,
49
00:02:02,639 --> 00:02:04,450
you're gonna walk off
into the woods and die.
50
00:02:04,474 --> 00:02:06,058
And we're prepared for that.
51
00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:09,055
Yeah, so there's this
seminar in New Haven
52
00:02:09,079 --> 00:02:11,224
on creating your own
Web-based Internet series.
53
00:02:11,248 --> 00:02:12,892
Sounds like it could be
right up my alley.
54
00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:14,611
Is this another one
of those classes
55
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,595
where you make
the checks out directly
to the teacher's name?
56
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:19,571
Feel good about that?
57
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,150
Feel good about
what you just said?
58
00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:24,393
You gonna go, Brian,
or should I get
the can of pennies?
59
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,899
See you, Stewie.
60
00:02:31,968 --> 00:02:35,048
Brian, please,
can I go with you?
It's so boring here.
61
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,099
For the last time,
you can't come with me.
62
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:38,639
Well, fine then. Go!
63
00:02:38,708 --> 00:02:41,571
I don't need you
to have fun. I know how
to have a good time.
64
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,645
Whoopi, can you
believe this girl?
65
00:02:43,714 --> 00:02:46,764
Elisabeth,
what you conservatives
have to understand...
66
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,378
Stewie, it's time for dinner.
67
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:49,968
Ma, I'm recording!
68
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:53,083
Come on upstairs, honey.
I made your favorite,
mac and cheese.
69
00:02:53,107 --> 00:02:54,940
Ma, I have to do this now!
70
00:02:59,246 --> 00:03:00,662
Guys, I got some great news!
71
00:03:00,731 --> 00:03:01,863
My dad's coming to visit.
72
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,449
Hide the women!
73
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,385
So, we're finally
gonna get to meet
the man of a thousand vaginas.
74
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,465
That's right.
You think I've been
with a lot of broads.
75
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,940
My dad's eaten more
pie than Kirstie Alley.
76
00:03:12,009 --> 00:03:14,059
What?
77
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,645
Anyway,
the Navy is honoring him
at this year's Naval Ball
78
00:03:16,713 --> 00:03:18,313
for all his bravery in Vietnam.
79
00:03:18,382 --> 00:03:20,465
Wow, you must be proud.
80
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:23,318
Sure am.
He was like a hero to me
when I was growing up.
81
00:03:23,387 --> 00:03:24,514
You know who was my hero?
82
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:28,256
Aquaman, and his secret
alter ego, Arthur Curry.
83
00:03:28,325 --> 00:03:30,775
Wow, you saved
our lives, Aquaman!
84
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,344
Just doing my job.
85
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,547
Arthur Curry!
86
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:37,949
Did you see Aquaman?
He was just here!
87
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,929
Oh, darn, I must've missed him.
88
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,731
We forgot
to tell him,
"Thanks."
89
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,322
Oh, I have a feeling
he already knows.
90
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:53,993
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
91
00:03:54,017 --> 00:03:55,634
Dad, they're here!
92
00:03:56,954 --> 00:03:58,270
At ease, ladies.
93
00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:00,433
Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna
give your dad an entrance?
94
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:01,550
Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
95
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,275
Guys, watch this.
96
00:04:05,629 --> 00:04:07,128
♪ Are you ready, boots?
97
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,932
♪ Start walkin'! ♪
98
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,740
Ha! That's my dad!
99
00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:23,050
No one dances like
Lieutenant Commander
Dan Quagmire.
100
00:04:23,113 --> 00:04:24,457
Dad, this is Joe and Peter.
101
00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:25,681
Joe and Peter!
102
00:04:25,749 --> 00:04:27,376
Which one are you?
Peter, sir.
103
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,846
Look at you.
You're a chowhound,
aren't you, Pete?
104
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,848
Don't want to get behind
you in the mess hall, huh?
105
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,182
No, sir.
No, you don't, sir.
106
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:36,474
I'd stand and salute you, sir,
but this is the best I can do.
107
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:38,727
I'll take it.
108
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,446
And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.
109
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,025
Sir, you gotta tell
them about the time
110
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:45,161
you had to eject
from your plane
behind enemy lines.
111
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,719
And I will, but first,
it's been a long trip.
112
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,733
This sailor needs a cosmo.
113
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:50,955
A cosmo?
114
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:54,058
Hey, it's got to be
5:00 somewhere, right?
115
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,072
Okay, fine.
I'll make you one,
you tell the story.
116
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,624
He can be such a nudge.
117
00:04:57,648 --> 00:05:00,432
So, anyhoo,
I remember that day
like it was yesterday.
118
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,266
I'd gotten a haircut
earlier that day,
119
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,414
the first one
I ever got over there
that looked like anything.
120
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,154
So all of a sudden,
we get these orders.
121
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:09,574
And, of course,
it's the day of all days
I have to put on a helmet.
122
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,243
I remember the sky
was a majestic orange.
123
00:05:12,596 --> 00:05:15,107
The breeze was just
warm enough that you
could wear short sleeves,
124
00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:17,832
but, you know,
not so warm that you'd
break any kind of a sweat.
125
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,345
Because let me tell you,
it just ruins...
126
00:05:19,369 --> 00:05:21,289
Big gay phoque.
Big gay phoque, yeah.
127
00:05:25,642 --> 00:05:28,326
Brian, it's so boring here.
When are you coming back?
128
00:05:28,379 --> 00:05:29,773
I'll be back soon, Stewie.
129
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:31,507
I gotta tell you, though,
this seminar is great.
130
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:32,964
I'm really learning a lot.
131
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,577
I'll tell you all about it
when I get home, okay?
132
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,412
I'll talk to you later.
Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!
133
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:39,104
There was something else
I wanted to tell you.
134
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,106
What?
Um...
135
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:44,242
The mail came
a little later
than usual today.
136
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:45,354
Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.
137
00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:46,744
Wait, hang on, hang on!
138
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:50,215
Did I tell you
about that over there?
139
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:52,395
Stewie, I can't physically see
what you're pointing at.
140
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:53,885
I'm getting off now. Bye.
141
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,153
Well, your loss, Brian.
142
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,422
That thing over there
is pretty interesting.
143
00:05:58,542 --> 00:06:03,945
Huh? An alien
in a grass skirt
juggling torches. Yeah.
144
00:06:04,013 --> 00:06:07,048
All right,
you're all done. Go.
145
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,928
Come on, Stewie.
Time for bed.
146
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,635
Get a job!
147
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,265
Peter, what are you doing home?
148
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:15,034
I thought you'd be out
on the town with Quagmire
and his dad.
149
00:06:15,058 --> 00:06:16,675
Lois, you're not
gonna believe this.
150
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,577
Quagmire's dad's gay.
151
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:21,580
What? Quagmire never said
anything about that.
152
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:22,648
I don't think he knows.
153
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,760
It's like he doesn't
even notice it.
154
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:24,828
Really?
155
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:26,128
Well, then how do
you know he's gay?
156
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:27,386
A lot of little things.
157
00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:28,953
The way he talks,
his mannerisms,
158
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,456
and he had
the complete DVD set
of Sex and the City
159
00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:32,557
between his butt cheeks.
160
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:33,737
Peter, no, he didn't!
161
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,159
No. He had the DVD set.
162
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,106
I was just being colorful
with the rest of it.
163
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,464
Well, maybe you should
go talk to Glenn about it.
164
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,644
I mean, especially
if he has no idea.
165
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:44,168
I guess I could,
but I don't know
if it'll do any good, Lois.
166
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,771
He's in complete denial,
167
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,656
like people in massive debt.
168
00:06:47,724 --> 00:06:51,843
Well, honey, I've extended
our line of credit and
exhausted all our savings.
169
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,622
We should be good
for another month.
170
00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:54,946
Oh, that's great, honey.
171
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,348
What are we gonna do next month?
172
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,616
Well, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do.
173
00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:01,219
Shoot all of our children
and then kill ourselves.
174
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,099
I'm gonna hold you to that.
175
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:06,563
I don't think
you'll have any
control over it.
176
00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:11,908
Hey, Peter, how you doing?
177
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,949
Hey, Quagmire. Um...
Is your dad around?
178
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,746
Oh, he's off at his
stitch 'n bitch club.
179
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,030
I'm glad you stopped by, though.
180
00:07:18,054 --> 00:07:20,232
My dad wanted me to tell
you he would be thrilled
181
00:07:20,256 --> 00:07:23,319
if you and Lois would
join us as his guests
at the Naval Ball.
182
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,737
Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.
183
00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:25,893
Um...
184
00:07:25,962 --> 00:07:27,828
Hey, remember when we
met him the other day,
185
00:07:27,897 --> 00:07:29,464
and he danced for a while?
186
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,573
Yeah, that was so funny, man!
187
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,895
No, it wasn't funny.
Oh, my God!
188
00:07:32,919 --> 00:07:34,063
It wasn't funny.
He's hilarious,
that guy.
189
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,837
It wasn't funny.
It was gay.
190
00:07:37,140 --> 00:07:39,073
What?
191
00:07:39,142 --> 00:07:41,159
Yeah, I think that
your father is gay.
192
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:42,928
Gay?
193
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,674
We should all be so gay!
194
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,164
Quagmire, don't you see it?
195
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:48,077
See what? I'll tell
you what I'm seeing.
196
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,479
You're jealous!
Huh?
197
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,815
Yeah,
your father's a drunk,
and mine's a hero.
198
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,483
Look, you'll see.
At the Navy Ball,
199
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,051
you'll see how much
of a man he is
200
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,515
and how everyone
in the military
respects him.
201
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,203
Look at this, Dad.
All these people came out
202
00:08:09,272 --> 00:08:10,471
just to honor you.
203
00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:12,718
Oh, it feels good, Son,
I won't lie to you.
204
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:13,919
Dan Quagmire!
205
00:08:13,943 --> 00:08:15,577
Wally!
Good to see you.
206
00:08:15,645 --> 00:08:16,911
This is my son, Glenn.
207
00:08:16,979 --> 00:08:18,191
Nice to meet you, Glenn.
208
00:08:18,215 --> 00:08:19,892
You should be very
proud of your dad.
209
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:20,916
I am, sir.
210
00:08:20,983 --> 00:08:22,528
It was an honor
to serve with him.
211
00:08:22,552 --> 00:08:24,263
Come on, Dan, let's get a drink.
212
00:08:24,287 --> 00:08:26,582
It's great to see you back
in your element tonight,
213
00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:28,305
surrounded by seamen.
214
00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:29,624
"Seamen."
215
00:08:29,693 --> 00:08:31,103
See, Quagmire?
I told you he's gay.
216
00:08:31,127 --> 00:08:32,393
Shut up, Peter!
217
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,140
Hey, you Dan's boy?
That's right.
218
00:08:34,164 --> 00:08:36,714
Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.
219
00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:39,394
He flew supplies in
where others
wouldn't dare to go.
220
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:42,704
I can't tell you how many
loads your dad took
when I served with him.
221
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:43,972
Huh?
222
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,502
Glenn, I wouldn't miss
this night for the world.
223
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:47,225
Everyone here admires your dad.
224
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:48,910
He'd walk into an army barracks
225
00:08:48,979 --> 00:08:51,379
and make every private
there feel important.
226
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,548
Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.
227
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:54,710
Oh, God!
228
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,295
Your dad was cock
of the walk, Glenn.
229
00:08:56,319 --> 00:08:58,787
Every day at rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.
230
00:08:58,855 --> 00:09:00,600
Your dad once
drank me
under the table.
231
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:02,251
If there was one man
you wanted in your hole,
232
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:03,324
it was your dad.
233
00:09:03,393 --> 00:09:05,204
Your dad had the best
penis in the military.
234
00:09:05,228 --> 00:09:07,828
Okay, just stop, stop!
Everybody, stop!
235
00:09:08,865 --> 00:09:09,914
Dad,
236
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,316
are you gay?
237
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,385
What?
238
00:09:13,437 --> 00:09:14,919
Are you gay, Dad?
239
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,721
No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
240
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:18,172
Just tell me the truth!
241
00:09:18,241 --> 00:09:19,557
I am telling you the truth.
242
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,421
Now calm down.
You're ruining this ball.
243
00:09:21,445 --> 00:09:22,805
You know how much I love balls.
244
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,707
All right, come on now!
That's not helping!
245
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,916
Son, you have my word,
I am not gay.
246
00:09:28,752 --> 00:09:30,068
You promise?
247
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,903
I promise.
248
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,155
All right, I believe you.
249
00:09:34,224 --> 00:09:36,608
But I am a woman
trapped in a man's body.
250
00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:40,311
And while I'm in Quahog,
I plan to have
a sex-change operation.
251
00:09:41,764 --> 00:09:43,681
Oh, come on. Just be gay.
252
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:50,166
Hey, guys, you got a minute?
253
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,473
Hey, what's up, buddy?
254
00:09:52,742 --> 00:09:54,041
It's about my dad.
255
00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:57,712
He wants to have
a sex-change operation.
256
00:09:57,781 --> 00:10:00,314
Whoa! I knew he was gay.
I didn't think
he was that gay.
257
00:10:00,383 --> 00:10:01,594
No, no, Peter, he's not gay.
258
00:10:01,618 --> 00:10:03,529
He's a woman stuck
in a man's body.
259
00:10:03,553 --> 00:10:04,553
Yeah, gay.
260
00:10:04,621 --> 00:10:05,665
It's totally different!
261
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:07,199
Sounds the same.
Well, it's not!
262
00:10:07,223 --> 00:10:10,391
Okay,
so he wants to be a woman,
so he can be a lesbian?
263
00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:11,571
No, he'd date men.
264
00:10:11,595 --> 00:10:12,772
Gay.
Gay. Yeah, gay.
265
00:10:12,796 --> 00:10:14,941
Okay, this is not the help
I came over here for.
266
00:10:14,965 --> 00:10:17,832
Well, look, let's just
all agree that he's odd.
Huh?
267
00:10:19,269 --> 00:10:21,464
He has an appointment
Friday with Dr. Hartman
268
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,933
to have the procedure,
and he wants me
to go with him.
269
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,085
I just, I don't know
if I can handle that.
270
00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:28,426
Well, I'm sure your friend
Peter would be happy
271
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:30,144
to come along for moral support.
272
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,762
All right. But look,
here's the deal.
273
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:34,199
Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home
for Brian.
274
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,079
That's very green of you, Peter.
275
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,246
What?
I don't know.
276
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,714
Lois, that doesn't
make any sense at all.
277
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,516
Yeah, it's something
I heard on TV. I don't know.
278
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,323
Have fun at the circus.
279
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,980
I wonder
how long it's gonna take.
280
00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,382
I don't know.
281
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:52,762
Hey, hey, you know
what we should do?
282
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,497
We should put on
some '80s music,
283
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:56,131
and then, like,
every few minutes,
284
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:59,624
have him come out of
there as a different sex,
and we'll go...
285
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:03,994
And then, like,
the fifth or sixth sex,
we'll go like this...
286
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,863
This is not a joke, Peter, okay?
287
00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:07,009
They're cutting off
his penis in there!
288
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:08,177
All right, all right.
289
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:09,645
I mean, this is my dad
we're talking about!
290
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,370
Okay, okay.
291
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,839
What are you gonna name it, huh?
292
00:11:14,907 --> 00:11:16,686
What are you gonna name
your he-she father-mother?
293
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,459
Knock it off!
294
00:11:18,527 --> 00:11:21,695
Wow! That thing
was on there.
295
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,242
How is he, Doc?
Is he all right?
296
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,299
No, I'm afraid not.
297
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:28,002
But she's gonna be just fine!
298
00:11:35,044 --> 00:11:37,127
Oh, my God!
299
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,546
What do you think, boys?
300
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:43,401
♪ I'm walking on sunshine
Whoa-oh ♪
301
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:52,160
Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire
and his dad... His...
302
00:11:52,228 --> 00:11:54,506
His friend are coming
over soon for dinner.
303
00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:56,375
So, remember, Chris, no staring.
304
00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:59,662
And, Meg, you know how
it is to be different,
so be very nice.
305
00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:07,142
Well, hi, you guys.
I'm so glad
you could come over.
306
00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:09,777
Everyone,
I'd like you
to meet Ida.
307
00:12:09,846 --> 00:12:11,179
Hello, everyone!
308
00:12:11,248 --> 00:12:12,842
Hello, Ida.
What's that?
309
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,081
I made a crumble.
310
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,000
Oh, how thoughtful.
311
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,686
Throw it away
in the outside garbage.
312
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:26,110
Okay, you know what?
Elephant in the room.
I'll say it.
313
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,428
So, Ida, you miss your penis?
314
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:28,497
Peter!
315
00:12:28,564 --> 00:12:29,792
Thank you for asking it.
316
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:30,977
Jesus!
No, it's okay.
317
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,311
It's a perfectly
normal question.
318
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,097
We can't sit here
and just pretend
everything's the same.
319
00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:37,305
It is a big transition
for me, yes.
320
00:12:37,373 --> 00:12:39,518
But the answer is,
I still have my penis.
321
00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:42,293
They just turn it inside out
to simulate a vagina.
322
00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:43,539
Come on, Dad...
323
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,341
Not a bad option to have
in the back pocket.
324
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,582
So, Lois, what is this meal?
325
00:12:47,651 --> 00:12:49,250
Wow! So good.
326
00:12:49,319 --> 00:12:50,652
Oh, thank you, Glenn.
327
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,732
It's nothing fancy.
Just chicken with
rosemary.
328
00:12:53,756 --> 00:12:55,718
But I did put a lot of
planning into the meal.
329
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:58,470
Yeah, we went down the list.
Nothing with wieners,
nuts, or grapes.
330
00:12:58,494 --> 00:12:59,677
Out of respect.
331
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:01,946
Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.
332
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,292
Where do you buy your clothes?
333
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,799
Oh, how sweet.
334
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,411
Well, I love Anne Klein.
335
00:13:06,435 --> 00:13:07,513
Oh, I'll have to try them.
336
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,070
I like the outfit you have on.
337
00:13:09,139 --> 00:13:11,289
Thank you, Meg.
Who did your procedure?
338
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,608
Wow. You just
burned your last friend
in this room, lady.
339
00:13:14,677 --> 00:13:16,094
This corn is special.
340
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:17,255
So, tell me about
those knockers.
341
00:13:17,279 --> 00:13:20,214
Is that just, like, implants,
342
00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:22,667
or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?
343
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,702
All right, I'm out of here.
344
00:13:25,821 --> 00:13:27,938
I wonder if I could
push mine inside.
345
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:31,008
Oh, my God, it worked.
It's gone!
346
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:33,237
I can't believe...
Oh, no, it's back.
347
00:13:41,004 --> 00:13:42,748
Well, that was
quite a performance.
348
00:13:42,772 --> 00:13:44,755
My performance?
What about you?
349
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,235
"Golly, Lois, where do you shop?
350
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,536
"Gee, your house
looks beautiful.
351
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,293
"Hey, I have
an inside-out penis."
352
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,672
I never said
her house looks
beautiful.
353
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:52,157
Because, frankly, it didn't.
354
00:13:52,181 --> 00:13:55,099
My dad, my dad
talking about
decorating
355
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,951
and women's clothing?
356
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:58,897
All I've talked
about for years
with these people
357
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,538
is what a war hero you were.
358
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:01,956
And I was.
359
00:14:02,025 --> 00:14:03,969
I'm changing my future,
not my past.
360
00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:06,711
Oh, yeah?
What about my future? Huh?
361
00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:08,357
I don't even know
what to call you.
362
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,531
My dad? My other mother?
363
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,161
My friend who pees sitting down,
364
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,818
but can also palm a basketball?
365
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,953
What about "Ida"?
366
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,105
No, man, you know,
this is too hard.
367
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,491
You know, you're asking me
to accept an awful lot.
368
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,761
I don't know if I can do this.
369
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,246
I understand.
370
00:14:25,315 --> 00:14:27,826
I had the advantage
of thinking
about this for years.
371
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:29,367
For me, it was easy.
372
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,797
Do I want to be happy
the rest of my life
or miserable?
373
00:14:31,821 --> 00:14:33,971
So now you're happy,
and I'm miserable.
374
00:14:34,657 --> 00:14:35,990
I see.
375
00:14:36,059 --> 00:14:37,939
I'm sorry you feel that way.
376
00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:48,702
Oh, boy, nice to be back home.
377
00:14:48,772 --> 00:14:51,072
Those seminars can wear you out.
378
00:14:53,243 --> 00:14:55,342
Wow, did you say,
"Web-based
Internet series"?
379
00:14:55,411 --> 00:14:57,378
No.
Oh, my bad.
380
00:14:58,414 --> 00:15:01,415
Great idea for one.
381
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:02,828
Where am I taking you again?
382
00:15:02,852 --> 00:15:04,096
You know what?
Drop me off
at the Marriott.
383
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,203
I could use a drink.
384
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,536
Jack on the rocks, please.
385
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:16,613
Hey, here's to exciting,
new opportunities
on the Internet.
386
00:15:20,536 --> 00:15:22,048
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.
387
00:15:22,072 --> 00:15:23,215
Oh. No,
it's not you.
388
00:15:23,239 --> 00:15:25,506
I'm just dealing
with a lot right now.
389
00:15:25,575 --> 00:15:27,408
You know, kids.
390
00:15:27,477 --> 00:15:30,445
Ah! Does not come
with a manual.
391
00:15:31,881 --> 00:15:33,859
So, you're doing
something with
the Internet?
392
00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:35,183
I am, I am.
393
00:15:35,251 --> 00:15:37,551
Being a writer, I'm always
exploring new possibilities.
394
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,032
Wow, I could
never be a writer.
How do you do it?
395
00:15:40,056 --> 00:15:42,150
Well, you see,
when I watch
the world go by,
396
00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,353
I think of it
kind of like
a huge screen.
397
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,589
You know,
every little interaction,
every little moment
398
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:49,780
is another scene
captured by this camera.
399
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,043
That's fascinating.
400
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:52,599
Oh, yeah.
401
00:15:52,669 --> 00:15:54,635
Brian.
Ida.
402
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,137
Two more, please.
403
00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,207
So I finally tell them,
404
00:15:59,275 --> 00:16:02,076
"Hey, I came here
to be at the seminar,
not run it."
405
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,147
That's...
406
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:18,092
You know, we are in a hotel.
407
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,728
And I'm in Room 406.
408
00:16:20,797 --> 00:16:22,930
Go on ahead, I'll settle up.
409
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,101
Put it on 406.
410
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,290
Wow, look who's home.
411
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:34,359
Hey, buddy.
412
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:35,793
How was the seminar?
413
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,439
Oh, it was terrific.
The first day
we were there...
414
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:40,364
Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after
"good" or "bad."
415
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:41,732
You know what? Fine.
416
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,145
You guys are not
gonna get to me
this morning.
417
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:46,337
I am in too good a mood.
I met an amazing woman.
418
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:47,855
Finally, the whole package.
419
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:49,439
You met her at the seminar?
420
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,054
No, that's just it.
It was right here
in town last night.
421
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:54,812
She's a classy, smart,
beautiful lady.
422
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,825
Look, I took a picture of her.
423
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,009
See?
424
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,787
Uh...
425
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:07,691
What... Is...
426
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,260
Um...
427
00:17:10,813 --> 00:17:13,130
Here, Lois, take a look.
428
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:19,103
Oh, my God!
429
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,532
This is the best day of my life!
430
00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:26,276
You know what?
You're just jealous 'cause
I found a real woman.
431
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:33,884
Oh! Hey, Brian.
Hey.
432
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:35,614
Not to worry, I called in,
433
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,117
and a new cell phone
should be here for you
in three business days.
434
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:39,141
What? Why?
435
00:17:39,209 --> 00:17:40,352
Well, clearly, yours is broken,
436
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:41,753
because I haven't
heard from you.
437
00:17:41,777 --> 00:17:43,472
I wanted to tell
you about my week.
438
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:44,990
God! Doesn't anyone
in this house
439
00:17:45,014 --> 00:17:46,608
care about anyone
but themselves?
440
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,082
Hey, Brian, how was the seminar?
441
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,367
Meg, please.
442
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,585
I'm serious, Stewie.
443
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,187
I've had an amazing
few days and nobody cares.
444
00:17:53,255 --> 00:17:56,615
Come on in.
Come on in.
Tell old Stew.
445
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,670
Okay, well, first,
the seminar was terrific.
446
00:17:58,694 --> 00:18:00,294
I absorbed so much.
447
00:18:00,362 --> 00:18:01,923
And then I get back
here last night,
448
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:04,015
and I meet an incredible woman.
449
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,412
You know,
I've heard the phrase
"soul mate" for years,
450
00:18:06,436 --> 00:18:08,280
and I never got it
till last night.
451
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:11,455
Well, I've got a woman
story for you that
you're not gonna believe.
452
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:14,324
Quagmire's father,
decorated war hero
453
00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:18,095
Lieutenant Commander
Dan Quagmire,
is now a woman.
454
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:19,742
You're kidding.
455
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,231
No. Total sex change.
456
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,778
That is hysterical.
457
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:23,802
I know!
458
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,581
Suck on that, Quagmire.
459
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:29,206
Yeah, it's not settling
with the Q-man all too well.
460
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,353
Oh, my God!
What does it
look like?
461
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:32,610
You know, not half bad.
462
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,359
Nothing you'd look
twice at, but not bad.
463
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:37,276
Oh, my God! That...
You know, that is
a tough road ahead.
464
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:38,928
I mean, like, what
do those people do
465
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,535
as far as relationships
and sex and stuff?
466
00:18:41,604 --> 00:18:44,889
I don't know. I mean,
it's got to be a train wreck
down there, right?
467
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,725
I mean, just an absolute
casserole of nonsense.
468
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,555
Is she over there right now?
We should go take a look.
469
00:18:49,579 --> 00:18:51,590
No, they had a fight.
She's staying
at the Marriott.
470
00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:52,825
Oh, damn!
I was just there.
471
00:18:52,849 --> 00:18:54,314
Really?
472
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:55,995
Yeah, maybe I saw him
in the lobby
and didn't even know.
473
00:18:56,019 --> 00:18:57,284
No, you'd know.
474
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:58,998
Aw, man!
What do we
call him now?
475
00:18:59,022 --> 00:19:00,666
We... Do we still
call him "Dan"?
476
00:19:00,690 --> 00:19:02,690
No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.
477
00:19:02,759 --> 00:19:04,469
What is it?
Like Danielle or Dana?
478
00:19:04,493 --> 00:19:05,526
No, Ida.
479
00:19:52,574 --> 00:19:54,458
What? What the hell?
What's wrong with you?
480
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,310
I had sex with her!
What?
481
00:19:56,395 --> 00:19:58,307
I had sex with her
at the Marriott!
482
00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,730
Why?
483
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,376
I didn't know!
I didn't know it was her!
484
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,433
Oh, my God!
485
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:05,786
How does this happen?
486
00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:07,182
When they move to a new place,
487
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,450
they're supposed
to notify
the neighborhood.
488
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:09,640
That's how it works!
489
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,826
He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!
490
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,150
Dad, I've been
worried sick.
Where have you been?
491
00:20:25,174 --> 00:20:28,926
Listen, I feel awful about
the things I said last night.
492
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,361
I was selfish.
493
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:32,029
You weren't selfish.
494
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,798
I realize I put a lot on you.
495
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,166
I was wrong to just assume
496
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,885
that you would understand
and be able to accept this.
497
00:20:38,954 --> 00:20:42,890
But, trust me,
I had been unhappy
for a long, long time.
498
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,708
Wow.
499
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:47,311
Well, all I want is
for you to be happy.
500
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:48,545
You're my dad.
501
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:51,414
And if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.
502
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:52,583
I'm sorry, Dad.
503
00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:54,335
I love you.
504
00:20:54,403 --> 00:20:56,186
I love you, too, Glenn.
505
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:00,468
Glenn?
Sorry, sorry.
506
00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:01,954
Damn thing can't
tell the difference.
507
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:05,962
Oh, dear!
508
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:08,516
Okay, well, so now that we got
all the mush out of the way,
509
00:21:08,584 --> 00:21:09,917
I have some news.
510
00:21:09,985 --> 00:21:11,485
Tell me. Tell me.
511
00:21:11,554 --> 00:21:12,554
I met someone.
512
00:21:12,622 --> 00:21:14,054
What? You did?
513
00:21:14,123 --> 00:21:16,657
Oh, my God!
Glenn, he's amazing.
I couldn't be happier.
514
00:21:16,726 --> 00:21:18,766
Really?
What's his name?
515
00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:21,895
No!
516
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,562
Where is he?
517
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:41,481
Where is that self-centered,
arrogant son of a bitch?
518
00:21:44,353 --> 00:21:46,064
Get out of there,
you dirty little bastard!
519
00:21:46,088 --> 00:21:47,471
You're dead!
520
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,359
If I ever see you
anywhere near my house,
521
00:22:09,428 --> 00:22:10,527
I'll blow your head off!
522
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:15,098
Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!
523
00:22:18,221 --> 00:22:19,261
Hey.
524
00:22:21,857 --> 00:22:23,674
I fucked your dad.
525
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:02,794
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21
36354
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