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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,788 --> 00:00:08,123
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,191 --> 00:00:11,843
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:14,880
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,520
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,221
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:30,445
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:36,353 --> 00:00:38,548
Peter, I need you
to pick up
the dry cleaning.
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00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,001
Here's the ticket.
It's the Chinese
one over on Elm.
12
00:00:41,025 --> 00:00:43,336
All right.
Well, I need my other
white shirt back anyway.
13
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,004
This one's getting
kind of smelly.
14
00:00:45,028 --> 00:00:47,373
And if I wore another
color, I think it would
just throw people.
15
00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:48,980
You only have two white shirts?
16
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,428
Well, I had a third one,
but it got ruined
at that wine tasting
17
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,017
at Michael J. Fox's house.
18
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,769
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
19
00:00:54,838 --> 00:00:57,238
Now, we were going to show you
the actual scene,
20
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,674
but it would just
make us all sad.
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00:00:59,743 --> 00:01:02,711
So, I'm just gonna
tell you what happened.
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00:01:02,780 --> 00:01:05,581
See, he has this disease,
and it makes him shake a lot,
23
00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,951
and what with all the shaking,
he spilled his wine
all over my shirt,
24
00:01:09,019 --> 00:01:11,904
and my shirt was ruined.
25
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:13,455
So, that's what that was.
26
00:01:13,523 --> 00:01:15,557
I mean, he was
very nice about it.
27
00:01:15,626 --> 00:01:18,226
He said, "Send me the bill."
28
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:22,096
I mean, that's not
how he said it, but...
29
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,765
You know, we got there.
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00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:26,368
Anyway, I sent him the bill,
and he sent me this check,
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00:01:26,437 --> 00:01:28,420
but it's...
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00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:31,156
I don't think I'm
gonna be able to cash this.
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00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:34,193
Um... I don't... You'd think
Tracy Pollan would be
34
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,961
in charge of the checkbook,
you know?
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00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,958
'Cause I mean, what else
is she doing right now?
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00:01:37,982 --> 00:01:39,865
I don't think
he's got the leverage
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00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,778
to Rita Wilson her
around town anymore.
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00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:42,968
I mean, that's...
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00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,369
That's where it's gotten.
40
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,839
So... Anyway,
that's what
happened to my shirt.
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00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:49,741
I'm glad we took
the high road on this one.
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00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,242
What's that?
43
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,678
Oh, wait, now they're telling
me they do want to show it.
44
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,498
I really like the finish
on this Shiraz...
45
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:59,100
Son of a bitch!
What is your problem?
46
00:02:04,107 --> 00:02:06,147
Ah, damn! Which one's
the Chinese one?
47
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,965
That's probably it.
48
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,411
You stop make bing-bong!
Every bing-bong two cent!
49
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:27,556
What you want?
50
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:30,081
Yeah. I'm here to
pick up my cleaning.
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00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:32,817
Cool, look at that!
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00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,287
This seems like
it'd be a great
place to work.
53
00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:38,156
But I...
I didn't go
to college.
54
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,075
That $20.
55
00:02:43,164 --> 00:02:44,630
Hey, I think you
forgot my shirt.
56
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:45,997
There no shirt.
57
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,377
No, I know you
have my white shirt.
58
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,500
Can you check again?
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00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:49,846
No need check.
I no have your shirt.
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00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,903
Listen here, Washee-Washee,
you do have my shirt.
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00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,150
I no have your shirt.
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00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,239
You yes have my shirt!
63
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,818
You get out my store!
You get me shirt!
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00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,920
You go or
I call police!
You no dare
call police!
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00:02:57,944 --> 00:03:00,006
Oh, you want
to play game, fatso?
You big, big...
66
00:03:00,030 --> 00:03:01,295
911!
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00:03:01,364 --> 00:03:02,597
Fine! I go.
But this no over.
68
00:03:02,666 --> 00:03:03,899
I take picture of Ang Lee.
69
00:03:03,967 --> 00:03:06,467
Good! He do too many
white people movie anyway!
70
00:03:09,806 --> 00:03:11,323
You no come back, ever!
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00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:14,776
I no like you American!
And all you
American look alike!
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00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:18,313
Oh, we all look alike, do we?
Well, look who's talking!
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00:03:22,686 --> 00:03:24,998
What do you mean
we can't go
there anymore?
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00:03:25,022 --> 00:03:26,733
Who gives a crap?
We'll get a new cleaners.
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00:03:26,757 --> 00:03:28,106
They're all the same.
76
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:29,719
They are not all the same!
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00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,556
Peter, I have been going
to Mr. Washee-Washee
for 10 years,
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00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,924
and I am not finding
another dry cleaner.
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00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,710
He knows the way
I like my clothes,
and he's very skilled.
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00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:39,612
Now, we are gonna
invite him over for
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00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,681
dinner, and you are
going to apologize.
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00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:43,449
All right,
but I don't want him
scoping out our house
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00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,073
looking for other
things to steal.
84
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,786
So when he gets here,
I'm gonna blindfold him
85
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,409
with this dental floss.
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00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,113
Racial slur.
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00:03:55,853 --> 00:03:59,988
Peter, isn't there something
you'd like to say to Mr.
Washee-Washee?
88
00:04:00,057 --> 00:04:01,189
No...
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00:04:01,258 --> 00:04:02,824
Peter.
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00:04:02,893 --> 00:04:06,794
Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee,
I am sorry I was
rude at your store.
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00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:08,975
It's okay.
I accept your
bad apology.
92
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,843
Good. Now give me
back my shirt!
Peter!
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00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:12,995
I no have
your shirt!
You yes have my shirt!
94
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:16,654
Enough! You all banned
from my store! Bing-bong!
95
00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:20,208
Great, Peter. Nice going.
This dinner was a disaster.
96
00:04:20,276 --> 00:04:22,727
Eh. Clash of the Titans'
owl was worse.
97
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:25,013
So, you're from Greece?
I've always wanted
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00:04:25,081 --> 00:04:27,281
to go there.
What's it like?
99
00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:32,164
I can't...
I can't understand
a word he's saying.
100
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,789
Yeah, I told you, Lois,
only Harry Hamlin can.
101
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,370
If you're gonna invite
the owl, you gotta
invite Harry Hamlin.
102
00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:40,628
I will not have Harry
Hamlin in this house.
103
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:47,252
413, 413... I think
this is it, Chris.
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00:04:48,572 --> 00:04:50,505
The Mr. Sulu Show!
105
00:04:50,574 --> 00:04:55,176
♪ Sulu, he star of the show
106
00:04:56,914 --> 00:05:01,899
♪ Other guys just
along for the ride ♪
107
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,402
He's got my shirt
in there, I can feel it.
108
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,621
All right, I'm going inside.
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00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:18,934
I knew it!
110
00:05:19,002 --> 00:05:21,082
Drop it, or I blow you head off!
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00:05:22,172 --> 00:05:24,000
Listen, Washee-Washee,
that's my shirt,
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00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,335
and I ain't
leaving here
without it.
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00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:27,359
That no
your shirt!
Oh, yeah?
114
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,613
Okay, it's not my shirt.
115
00:05:31,682 --> 00:05:34,616
You break in my house,
I can kill you legally.
116
00:05:34,685 --> 00:05:36,612
Fine, shoot me!
But you're gonna
ruin the shirt.
117
00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:38,053
Take off shirt!
118
00:05:38,121 --> 00:05:39,632
Take one step closer,
and I'll kill
the shirt myself!
119
00:05:39,656 --> 00:05:41,088
You bluff.
120
00:05:43,327 --> 00:05:45,026
No! Don't hurt shirt!
121
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,078
Well, it seems
we're at an impasse.
122
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,624
How do you propose
we settle this?
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00:05:48,648 --> 00:05:51,633
We have fight.
But I pick venue.
Deal.
124
00:05:55,072 --> 00:05:56,687
Round One.
125
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:58,105
Fight!
126
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,812
You lose!
127
00:06:26,002 --> 00:06:27,368
Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin.
128
00:06:27,437 --> 00:06:28,736
Wait over there.
129
00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:35,960
Not the best way to spend
a Thursday night, huh?
130
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,507
You can say that again.
131
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:40,043
I was hoping to be
at this Democratic
Party fundraiser.
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00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,832
Oh, God, is
that tonight?
Ah...
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00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,135
You know, I promised
Barry I'd be there.
134
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:47,105
I call him "Barry,"
you probably know
him as "Barack."
135
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:50,386
Um. Yeah.
So, what are
you doing here?
136
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,510
I'm picking up my friend Peter.
137
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,979
Are you picking up a boyfriend?
138
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,098
No, actually.
I got arrested
139
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,367
for protesting
the Walmart opening.
140
00:06:59,435 --> 00:07:00,980
Oh, yeah. I went to
the first part of that,
141
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,482
but then some fireworks went off
142
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,067
and I ran for
two miles straight.
143
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:06,769
I'm Denise.
144
00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,026
I'm Brian.
145
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,495
Hey, would you mind
if I asked for your number?
146
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:12,631
Who knows?
Maybe we could get
arrested together.
147
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,566
Sure. I'd like that.
148
00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:20,021
Number 3287.
149
00:07:20,090 --> 00:07:21,951
Come on, Peter.
I'm here to take you home.
150
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,458
I don't know, Brian.
151
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:26,010
This is the only
world I know anymore.
152
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,159
Peter, you've been in
there for 15 minutes.
153
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:35,615
Good morning, everyone.
154
00:07:35,639 --> 00:07:37,706
Oh, crap, he's in love again.
155
00:07:37,774 --> 00:07:39,785
I know, I know.
But this time it's
for real.
156
00:07:39,809 --> 00:07:41,820
You know,
I really feel
like Denise is
157
00:07:41,844 --> 00:07:43,764
the girl I've
waited my whole life for.
158
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:46,114
Oh, please,
you've only known
her a week.
159
00:07:46,183 --> 00:07:49,183
Besides, I thought Jillian was
the girl you waited
your whole life for.
160
00:07:49,252 --> 00:07:51,864
Well, Jillian was.
But I'll never get
her back.
161
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:54,667
But Denise... I really
think there's something
special there.
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00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:57,241
Brian, you went
to one protest rally
with her.
163
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,476
It's hardly a date.
164
00:07:58,545 --> 00:07:59,689
Oh, yeah?
You want to see?
165
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,994
I'll call her right now
and ask her out to dinner.
166
00:08:04,201 --> 00:08:06,267
Hey, Denise? It's me.
167
00:08:06,336 --> 00:08:07,501
Brian.
168
00:08:08,371 --> 00:08:10,471
Brian Griffin.
169
00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:12,101
Hey, listen, you know, I've had
170
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,602
such a great time
hanging out with you,
171
00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:15,093
and I was thinking...
172
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,529
How about we go
on an actual date?
173
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,698
Uh-huh.
174
00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:21,766
Sounds great! Bye.
175
00:08:22,352 --> 00:08:23,417
So?
176
00:08:23,486 --> 00:08:25,698
Well, guess who has
a date on Saturday?
177
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:26,722
Not me.
178
00:08:30,127 --> 00:08:33,261
Put the dog out.
The dog's crying.
179
00:08:33,329 --> 00:08:35,529
Can someone put...
Lois, can someone
put the dog out?
180
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:36,998
I'm trying to read!
181
00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:41,036
What the hell?
What's the matter with you?
182
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,038
Did an ambulance
go by or something?
183
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,753
Hey, Brian... Ah, sweet!
Morning drinking!
184
00:09:00,023 --> 00:09:02,774
Yeah! Party!
185
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,770
Peter, I'm not
getting drunk for fun.
186
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,928
I'm drinking because I'm sad.
187
00:09:06,997 --> 00:09:08,925
Because I'm never gonna
meet the right woman.
188
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:11,760
Because I'm...
I'm going to
die old and alone.
189
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:13,534
Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking.
190
00:09:13,603 --> 00:09:16,021
Listen, instead of
sitting here feeling
sorry for yourself,
191
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,456
why don't you take
Quagmire's class
on picking up chicks?
192
00:09:18,508 --> 00:09:21,153
Quagmire teaches a class?
How come I've never heard
about this?
193
00:09:21,177 --> 00:09:23,422
'Cause Quagmire forbids us
to tell you about his life.
194
00:09:23,446 --> 00:09:25,330
As you may recall, he hates you.
195
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,249
Wouldn't help me anyway.
It's a hopeless situation.
196
00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:29,962
If you ever want to
get anywhere with this girl,
197
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,919
you gotta ditch
that negative attitude.
198
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,904
You're as bad as Negatron.
199
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:35,322
Do as I command,
200
00:09:35,391 --> 00:09:38,626
and we will
defeat the Autobots
once and for all!
201
00:09:38,695 --> 00:09:40,155
Nope. Not going
to work.
202
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:43,081
Oh, come on.
What did we talk about?
203
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,749
Autobots always win.
204
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,063
You think Optimus
Prime's gonna be dead,
but then he's not dead.
205
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,521
I'm taking this from a robot
that turns into a canoe?
206
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,631
When there's a battle
on a gently-moving river,
you'll want me.
207
00:09:58,748 --> 00:10:01,816
Now, as I said before,
I can't make you into studs.
208
00:10:01,885 --> 00:10:04,552
I can only help you bring out
your "inner stud."
209
00:10:04,621 --> 00:10:06,581
But there's a lot
of potential here.
210
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:10,894
Now how many of you guys think
a woman is looking
for Prince Charming?
211
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,612
Wrong! They're looking
for bastards like me!
212
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,645
Mort, how many times
you been laid
since your wife died?
213
00:10:19,669 --> 00:10:20,813
Do Muriel's clothes count?
214
00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,470
No!
215
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:25,219
You wanna know how many times
I've been laid
since last night? 60!
216
00:10:25,275 --> 00:10:28,292
Why? 'Cause I'm not trying
to be a girl's
Prince Charming.
217
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,005
I'm trying to be
that big mistake
218
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,674
they made at the bar last night.
219
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:34,143
Look, what's the first thing
you say to a woman
when you meet her?
220
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,946
"Pleased to meet you.
That's a handsome
scarf pin."
221
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,463
No! You say,
"Hi, there!
222
00:10:38,487 --> 00:10:40,166
"How's your relationship
with your father?"
223
00:10:40,190 --> 00:10:42,874
If she says anything
positive, move along.
224
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,275
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
225
00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:46,060
Brian! What are
you doing here?
226
00:10:46,128 --> 00:10:47,178
I'm in your class.
227
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:48,247
What? No way!
228
00:10:48,298 --> 00:10:49,563
I don't want you in here!
229
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:50,893
Too bad. Here's
my class receipt.
230
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:52,445
Now teach me how to find love.
231
00:10:52,469 --> 00:10:53,968
All right. Fine.
232
00:10:54,037 --> 00:10:57,321
But you lick yourself
once in this class,
and you're out!
233
00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:01,425
Don't look, don't look!
I spilled something.
234
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,369
All right, time to practice
what we've learned.
235
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:13,782
You're up, Brian.
Now go hit on
that fat chick.
236
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:15,951
What? Why?
Do it or
you get an F.
237
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,308
All right.
238
00:11:18,728 --> 00:11:22,396
Excuse me. I was
just looking you over,
and I had a question.
239
00:11:22,465 --> 00:11:24,832
Are those highlights in
your hair or potato chips?
240
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,734
Highlights!
Okay.
241
00:11:26,802 --> 00:11:29,515
Hey, will you sign
this form that says
I hit on you?
242
00:11:29,539 --> 00:11:30,571
Sassy!
243
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:33,807
You've got me sweating
above and below my ass.
244
00:11:33,876 --> 00:11:35,477
Let's go, lover.
245
00:11:40,984 --> 00:11:42,750
Okay, what the fuck?
246
00:11:42,819 --> 00:11:44,318
I know, I know.
247
00:11:44,387 --> 00:11:46,865
Quagmire told us
to dress flashy
so girls would notice us.
248
00:11:46,889 --> 00:11:49,324
Oh, right, peacocking.
How's the class going?
249
00:11:49,392 --> 00:11:52,343
Well, so far so good,
I guess. But tonight's
the real test.
250
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,395
I'm gonna try out
what I've learned on Denise.
251
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,047
Well, good luck.
252
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,094
Hey, who was that fat chick
sneaking out of
here this morning?
253
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,668
Oh, that was someone
I met from class. Bettina.
254
00:12:00,737 --> 00:12:02,882
Ooh, that's way too
fancy a name for her.
255
00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:05,172
Her name should
be "Thud" or "Oof."
256
00:12:11,681 --> 00:12:14,531
You know, I have to admit,
Brian, I'm glad you called.
257
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,878
I sort of missed hanging out.
258
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,101
Call me The Paw.
259
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,870
That's what I go
by now, The Paw.
260
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,171
Oh, okay.
261
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,438
Yeah.
262
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:23,141
A lot of babes here tonight.
263
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:25,943
Shut up for
a couple of minutes,
I'm gonna look around.
264
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,679
Brian, you're being
kind of disrespectful.
265
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:29,881
Relax, baby.
266
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:32,116
Hey, check your phone.
I sent you something.
267
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,996
Oh, my God!
Is that your...
268
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:36,821
Yeah. How'd you like to
get hit in the face with that?
269
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,517
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go.
270
00:12:38,541 --> 00:12:40,208
Why, you getting
more moles put on?
271
00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:41,687
You know, I came here
'cause I thought
272
00:12:41,711 --> 00:12:43,522
I'd made a mistake by not
giving you a chance,
273
00:12:43,546 --> 00:12:46,692
but it's obvious
you're just another
typical jerk.
274
00:12:46,716 --> 00:12:48,249
Denise, wait...
275
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,853
Hey! Oh, my God!
Two nights in a row!
276
00:12:52,922 --> 00:12:54,255
Oh, hi, Bettina.
277
00:12:54,324 --> 00:12:55,623
Thanks for the sex last night.
278
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,158
But, just so you know,
you didn't really get in.
279
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,708
All right, let's see
what you guys have done
280
00:13:02,732 --> 00:13:04,310
to make yourselves
look like douchebags.
281
00:13:04,334 --> 00:13:06,817
Mayor West, come up here.
282
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:08,770
All right, good.
Looks good.
283
00:13:08,838 --> 00:13:11,389
All right, I'm a hot chick
in a club. What do you say
to me?
284
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,558
You're not attractive,
but I'll do you
as a favor.
285
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,794
Lucky for you!
286
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,308
Hey, Paw, you're late.
287
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:20,581
You're a son of a bitch.
288
00:13:20,650 --> 00:13:22,661
You're teaching
us all this crap
about how to get women,
289
00:13:22,685 --> 00:13:24,585
and it's all a bunch of bull!
290
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,971
I came here 'cause
I wanted to get Denise back
291
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,873
and instead, you ruined my life!
292
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:31,626
These skills aren't for women
you care about, you idiot.
293
00:13:31,694 --> 00:13:34,006
This course is
in getting laid,
not finding love.
294
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,546
So, what's the point?
295
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:38,615
If you never find love,
then it's just
meaningless sex.
296
00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:40,484
How will I get
the woman of my dreams?
297
00:13:40,537 --> 00:13:43,587
Only when you're ready.
And maybe not even then.
298
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,324
You see, women are a lot like
Saturday Night Live sketches.
299
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:49,760
Lots of them are awful,
some are decent, and a few
are pretty good.
300
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,580
But then there's that one...
That one woman
301
00:13:52,649 --> 00:13:56,284
who's as amazingly perfect
as "Massive Head Wound Harry."
302
00:13:56,352 --> 00:13:59,871
For me, that woman is
Cheryl Tiegs.
303
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,967
You'd never fall
for these tricks.
304
00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:03,569
That's why I keep
trying to figure out
305
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,104
how to bring you
back into my life,
306
00:14:05,128 --> 00:14:06,861
so we can make it work.
307
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,289
I still remember the day we met.
308
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,412
Hey ho! Look at the man
on the unicycle.
309
00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:15,380
Look at the man
on the unicycle
with a parrot on his shoulder.
310
00:14:15,404 --> 00:14:17,438
Hey ho! Put five cents
in the hat.
311
00:14:17,507 --> 00:14:19,502
That's quite a skill
you've got there.
312
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,508
Well, ever since I got
discharged from the Navy,
313
00:14:21,577 --> 00:14:23,344
I do anything I
can to make money.
314
00:14:23,413 --> 00:14:25,224
I'm thinking about getting
my pilot's license.
315
00:14:25,248 --> 00:14:28,032
Well, I think unicycles
are sexy.
316
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:34,021
Glenn, these past few weeks
have been amazing.
317
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:36,135
I think I'm falling
in love with you.
318
00:14:36,159 --> 00:14:38,092
I know.
I feel the same way.
319
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,963
If this is the kind of joy
the '80s has in
store for me, I'm ready.
320
00:14:43,532 --> 00:14:45,199
But that wasn't the case.
321
00:14:45,268 --> 00:14:47,969
In fact, things went wrong
real fast.
322
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,210
Cheryl, don't you think
it's time for us to go now?
323
00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:59,013
Why? We just got here?
I'm having a good time.
324
00:14:59,081 --> 00:15:00,676
Yeah, I can tell.
You've been talking
325
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,183
to John Davidson
for half an hour.
326
00:15:02,252 --> 00:15:03,929
Hey, Glenn, great to meet you.
327
00:15:03,953 --> 00:15:06,353
John Davidson, host of
That's Incredible!
328
00:15:06,422 --> 00:15:09,039
Oh, hey, John.
I like your work...
Not!
329
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,253
That was the first time
anybody ever used that.
330
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:12,676
First time, I swear to God.
331
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,329
Glenn, I've about had it
with your petty jealousy.
332
00:15:15,398 --> 00:15:18,010
I'm starting to think
this relationship is
a mistake.
333
00:15:18,034 --> 00:15:20,685
Well, maybe it is.
334
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,454
Wow, did you just break up
with Cheryl Tiegs?
335
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:24,739
I sure did.
336
00:15:24,807 --> 00:15:26,601
What do you think
of that, folks?
337
00:15:26,625 --> 00:15:28,809
That's incredible!
338
00:15:32,949 --> 00:15:36,684
Someday...
Someday we'll make it right.
339
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,798
You shouldn't have
tried these tricks
on Denise, Brian.
340
00:15:38,822 --> 00:15:40,499
But if you ask me,
she got lucky,
341
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:42,501
because now she's
dodged the bullet
342
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,453
of being in a relationship
with a loser like you.
343
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,405
Well, you just think
you know everything,
don't you?
344
00:15:46,429 --> 00:15:48,730
You're like a black
woman in hindsight.
345
00:15:48,798 --> 00:15:50,932
I told you.
What did I tell you?
346
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,284
Didn't I tell you?
'Cause I told you.
347
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,686
Mmm-hmm. And when
did I tell you?
348
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,254
A long time ago.
349
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:59,556
And what did I say
would happen when
I told you?
350
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,708
Exactly what just happened.
351
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:15,239
Are you...
Cheryl?
352
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,308
Hi, Glenn.
353
00:16:16,358 --> 00:16:17,438
Oh, my God.
354
00:16:17,493 --> 00:16:19,853
Cheryl, what are you doing here?
355
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:22,557
Well, you know,
it's been so many years,
and I was in the neighborhood,
356
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,515
and I thought I'd
just drop by and say hi.
357
00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:27,062
My new boyfriend
I guess knows you,
and told me where you live.
358
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:31,972
Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass
over here before I dump you.
359
00:16:32,041 --> 00:16:34,542
He's so bossy.
I love it.
360
00:16:34,611 --> 00:16:36,761
Well, it was great
seeing you, Glenn.
361
00:16:56,899 --> 00:16:59,166
Where is he?
Where's that son of a bitch?
362
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,498
Whoa, whoa.
What's going on,
Quagmire?
363
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,788
You dirty bastard.
I always knew you were low,
364
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,725
but you're nothing more than
a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.
365
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:10,890
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell, man?
366
00:17:10,914 --> 00:17:13,747
My whole life's been
dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs!
367
00:17:13,817 --> 00:17:15,327
Yeah, I know.
So what?
368
00:17:15,351 --> 00:17:16,750
Your dog is dating her!
369
00:17:16,820 --> 00:17:19,353
No way. You're banging
Cheryl Tiegs?
370
00:17:19,422 --> 00:17:21,455
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
371
00:17:21,524 --> 00:17:23,090
Light the beacons.
372
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,620
Cheryl Tiegs. Nice.
373
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:18,229
I really like this restaurant.
374
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:20,209
You seem to like everything.
375
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:21,932
Brian, you're acting
a little distant.
376
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,745
Yeah, get whatever you want.
377
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:27,137
Oh, hey, guys,
fancy me running
into you here.
378
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,656
Oh, hey, Quagmire.
379
00:18:28,724 --> 00:18:31,158
Listen, Brian, I've been
a real heel,
380
00:18:31,226 --> 00:18:33,227
and I'd like to
make it up to you.
381
00:18:33,295 --> 00:18:36,881
Oh, well, that's
very kind of you,
but there's no need.
382
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:39,299
No, no, I want to.
I want to.
383
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,552
In fact, you know,
since you guys
are already here,
384
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,554
I'd like to treat
the four of us to dinner.
385
00:18:43,606 --> 00:18:45,990
Well, sure, I...
Wait, who's the fourth?
386
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,775
Oh, my new girlfriend.
Here she is.
387
00:18:48,844 --> 00:18:50,477
Jillian?
388
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:52,246
Hi, Brian.
How are you?
389
00:18:52,314 --> 00:18:54,560
Oh, he's doing great.
Isn't that right, pal?
390
00:18:54,584 --> 00:18:57,568
Guy looks like
a million bucks,
all green and wrinkly, right?
391
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,736
Oh, get in here.
392
00:18:59,955 --> 00:19:01,505
Whoa, hey, oh!
393
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:04,458
Okay, let's have dinner, huh?
394
00:19:07,213 --> 00:19:09,780
So, how did you
guys get together?
395
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:11,765
He showed up at my door
396
00:19:11,834 --> 00:19:14,201
and said he was
a Federal Boob Inspector.
397
00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:17,771
And I was gonna
tell him to go away,
but he had a warrant.
398
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,974
It was a Snickers wrapper,
Brian. I held up
a Snickers wrapper.
399
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,076
But then he started
saying things to me
400
00:19:23,145 --> 00:19:25,963
that my father might say
if he were still alive,
401
00:19:26,031 --> 00:19:28,799
and I knew I liked him.
402
00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:31,329
Well, I guess you
guys have gotten
pretty close, huh?
403
00:19:31,353 --> 00:19:34,232
Did Quagmire ever tell
you he was obese
as a child?
404
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:35,868
Did Brian ever tell
you he once had a tick
405
00:19:35,892 --> 00:19:37,803
on the back of his neck
that he couldn't
reach with his mouth,
406
00:19:37,827 --> 00:19:39,772
and it swelled up
to the size of
a Ping-Pong ball?
407
00:19:39,796 --> 00:19:41,456
Well, it was still
smaller than that thing
408
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,092
you had on your
lip for three years.
409
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:44,364
Oh, three years?
You mean like
410
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,617
the three years you have
left on this planet?
411
00:19:46,669 --> 00:19:48,152
Oh, that's nice.
412
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,132
Hey, if you guys are
so close, maybe
Jillian should know
413
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:52,201
that you teach
a class in picking
up women.
414
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:54,185
And Cheryl should know
that you took that class.
415
00:19:54,243 --> 00:19:56,621
Does Jillian know
you're half-Polish,
Mr. Quagglecheck?
416
00:19:56,645 --> 00:19:57,645
You son of a bitch!
417
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:06,253
Enough. Stop it,
both of you.
418
00:20:06,322 --> 00:20:08,784
You obviously have
no respect for
either of us.
419
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,741
Yeah, you're acting all mean.
420
00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:13,995
Now I'm glad you made me
face away during sex.
421
00:20:14,063 --> 00:20:15,975
Brian, you've been using me.
422
00:20:15,999 --> 00:20:18,148
You're right,
Cheryl, he's
just a user.
423
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:21,246
And you, Glenn.
I was always waiting
for you to grow up,
424
00:20:21,270 --> 00:20:25,039
but you're still that
unicycle street performer
with a dream in his eye
425
00:20:25,108 --> 00:20:27,002
and a parrot on his shoulder.
426
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,353
That parrot's
still alive, you know?
427
00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:29,705
Those fucking
things live forever.
428
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,724
Maybe you boys
will get it
together someday,
429
00:20:31,748 --> 00:20:34,392
but it looks like
that's all you are.
Boys.
430
00:20:34,416 --> 00:20:35,916
Yeah. Boys.
431
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:37,868
Yay, I helped.
432
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,564
Cheryl, wait.
Jillian.
433
00:20:39,588 --> 00:20:42,356
I'm sorry.
I'll do anything, please!
434
00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:49,365
Meg?
Yeah, this still
happens sometimes.
435
00:20:55,738 --> 00:20:57,138
Hey.
436
00:20:57,206 --> 00:20:59,140
You okay?
Yep.
437
00:20:59,208 --> 00:21:01,175
Just waiting for my car.
438
00:21:03,061 --> 00:21:06,697
Look, I'm sorry
I did what I did.
439
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:11,585
Cheryl's great, and
I hope someday you get
the chance to be with her.
440
00:21:11,654 --> 00:21:14,504
No. I'm never gonna
get that chance again.
441
00:21:14,573 --> 00:21:16,373
I blew it for good, Brian.
442
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:19,410
And you know what?
I deserve to be lonely.
443
00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:22,496
I'm no saint. I dated
Jillian just to hurt you.
444
00:21:22,565 --> 00:21:24,065
It's okay.
445
00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:27,079
It probably wouldn't
have worked out,
like everything else.
446
00:21:27,103 --> 00:21:30,482
Hey, you know, maybe
it took us stealing
each other's girls
447
00:21:30,506 --> 00:21:31,816
to finally become friends.
448
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,040
Yeah, maybe.
449
00:21:39,332 --> 00:21:41,699
Oh, hey, listen,
Cheryl actually drove me,
450
00:21:41,768 --> 00:21:43,801
and I spent all my
cash in the restaurant,
451
00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:45,903
even though you said you'd pay.
452
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:48,421
So, would you mind
giving me a lift home, buddy?
453
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:38,185
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