All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E07 - Road to the North Pole (Uncensored)-ing

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:11,536 Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. 2 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:16,207 And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog. 3 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,843 Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, 4 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,679 but I think he's dead. 5 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:23,214 Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, 6 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,317 and now he made this. 7 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:33,992 Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time. 8 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:38,029 The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, 9 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:41,333 and everyone was making up their Christmas lists. 10 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,097 ♪ Jessica Biel and Megan Fox 11 00:01:55,165 --> 00:01:57,182 ♪ Wearing nothing but their socks 12 00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:01,670 ♪ Is all I really want for Christmas this year! 13 00:02:01,739 --> 00:02:03,855 Well, that's just not practical. 14 00:02:03,907 --> 00:02:06,057 ♪ Spending a week in Mexico 15 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,138 ♪ With some black guys and some blow 16 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:11,780 ♪ Is all I really want for Christmas this year! 17 00:02:11,848 --> 00:02:14,716 That sounds terrific. How about you, kids? 18 00:02:14,784 --> 00:02:19,054 ♪ I would like a pair of skates Then I'd go out skating 19 00:02:19,123 --> 00:02:22,207 ♪ But I really don't know how to skate! 20 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,610 ♪ I want a Lexus all in pink 21 00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,879 ♪ And a dad who doesn't drink 22 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:32,200 ♪ Oh, and that reminds me Twelve kegs of beer! 23 00:02:32,268 --> 00:02:36,504 ♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is 24 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:39,541 ♪ All I really want this year! 25 00:02:39,609 --> 00:02:41,187 Santa's got his work cut out for him. 26 00:02:41,211 --> 00:02:43,027 We ain't even gotten started yet. 27 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,297 ♪ I want to tour the Spanish coast 28 00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,432 ♪ Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost 29 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:51,620 ♪ Is all I really want for Christmas this year! 30 00:02:51,688 --> 00:02:52,688 Wait. What? 31 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:53,989 Forget it. Keep going. 32 00:02:54,058 --> 00:02:56,107 ♪ Jennifer Garner in my bed 33 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:58,326 ♪ Softer voices in my head 34 00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:02,547 ♪ Is all I really want for Christmas this year! 35 00:03:04,902 --> 00:03:07,035 ♪ Yellow cake uranium 36 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,254 ♪ Never mind the reason 37 00:03:09,306 --> 00:03:12,307 ♪ Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball 38 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,672 ♪ Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? 39 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,963 ♪ Suck my dick, it's not enough! 40 00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:21,316 ♪ Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer 41 00:03:21,384 --> 00:03:22,850 Look who's talking. 42 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:26,220 ♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer 43 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:31,710 ♪ Is all I really want this year! 44 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,606 I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive. 45 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,181 Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas. 46 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,994 And Christmas is about gettin'! 47 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,913 Everyone in town knows that! 48 00:03:39,937 --> 00:03:44,021 ♪ Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint 49 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:47,942 ♪ Is all I really want for Christmas this year! 50 00:03:48,011 --> 00:03:49,243 Giggity! 51 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,981 ♪ Platinum-plated silverware 52 00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:55,127 ♪ Just one day when kids don't stare 53 00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:59,153 ♪ It's all I really want for Christmas this year! 54 00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:05,994 ♪ If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport 55 00:04:06,063 --> 00:04:10,432 ♪ I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays! 56 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,562 ♪ Wouldn't I love a tinker toy 57 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,803 ♪ And a little drummer boy 58 00:04:14,872 --> 00:04:18,940 ♪ He can either tap his drum or my rear 59 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:22,894 ♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer 60 00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:26,681 ♪ Is all I really want this year! 61 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,119 ♪ I want a golden mustache comb 62 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,255 ♪ And some spermicidal foam 63 00:04:34,324 --> 00:04:38,810 ♪ That's all I really want for Christmas this year 64 00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:43,065 ♪ I want a brand-new pitching wedge 65 00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,244 ♪ I would like more Lemon Pledge 66 00:04:45,268 --> 00:04:49,637 ♪ That's all I really want for Christmas this year 67 00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:56,177 ♪ I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey 68 00:04:56,246 --> 00:04:59,531 ♪ I just want some colored Easter eggs 69 00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:02,700 ♪ I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz 70 00:05:02,753 --> 00:05:04,948 ♪ We don't know what Christmas is! 71 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:09,357 ♪ We have something else called Gishgemfloofneer! 72 00:05:09,425 --> 00:05:13,178 ♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer 73 00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:19,384 ♪ Is all I really want this year! ♪ 74 00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,114 Mom! Look at the nativity scene. 75 00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:33,881 Isn't that beautiful? 76 00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:35,817 It's nice they put Joseph in there, 77 00:05:35,885 --> 00:05:37,552 even though he's not really the father. 78 00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:41,639 Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem? 79 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,536 Doctor, thank goodness you're here. 80 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,139 My wife is about to give birth. 81 00:05:46,163 --> 00:05:48,707 Oh, my God! What are you doing? This is a manger! 82 00:05:48,731 --> 00:05:50,143 Ma'am, you're lying in manure. 83 00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:52,411 You're about to give birth into cow crap. 84 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,147 You don't really smell it after a while. 85 00:05:54,171 --> 00:05:57,071 Oh, God! You're crowning, and there's flies on its head. 86 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,308 Ugh! That's regurgitated cud! 87 00:06:00,376 --> 00:06:02,021 No, I can't be a part of this. 88 00:06:02,045 --> 00:06:04,590 Look, I'm just gonna leave you all the gauze I have. 89 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,625 When that thing comes out, just wipe the crap off of him 90 00:06:06,649 --> 00:06:08,527 as fast as you can and... 91 00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:10,911 I don't know, man. Good luck to you. 92 00:06:13,223 --> 00:06:15,706 I'm so excited to see Santa Claus. 93 00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,487 You know what I think is really wonderful? 94 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,745 Of all the malls in this great country of ours, 95 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,630 he chooses to come here. Year after year. 96 00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:25,033 You know? I mean, who are we? 97 00:06:25,101 --> 00:06:27,668 You know? I'll tell you who we are. The lucky ones! 98 00:06:27,737 --> 00:06:28,787 Uh-oh. 99 00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:34,009 Oh, my God! Look at the line. 100 00:06:34,077 --> 00:06:35,554 Damn it! We're gonna be here forever. 101 00:06:35,578 --> 00:06:37,473 Wait, look. There's Quagmire, way up front. 102 00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:38,791 We can cut in line with him. 103 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,466 Wait. Stewie, he doesn't like me so... 104 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:49,340 Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow! What are you doing here? 105 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,709 Hi, Brian. 106 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:52,589 Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. 107 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,446 Cool. Cool. 108 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:55,859 We'll just hang with you guys here. 109 00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:58,283 Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? 110 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,101 Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? 111 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,921 Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year. 112 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:05,918 That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. 113 00:07:05,942 --> 00:07:08,020 Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. 114 00:07:08,044 --> 00:07:09,722 Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took 115 00:07:09,746 --> 00:07:11,708 to get her out of the house because of her no-hair? 116 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,966 Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. 117 00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:16,629 You're sorry? For what? 118 00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:19,153 That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you 119 00:07:19,222 --> 00:07:22,524 that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient? 120 00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:24,809 Come on. I didn't know she was dying. 121 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,355 Who said anything about dying? 122 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,474 Uncle Glenn, am I dying? 123 00:07:28,498 --> 00:07:30,193 No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 124 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:33,417 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. 125 00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:35,836 Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. 126 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,785 Should have gone into politics, Bri. 127 00:07:39,809 --> 00:07:41,720 Now we got to go to the back of the line. 128 00:07:41,744 --> 00:07:43,222 What the hell? Why isn't it moving? 129 00:07:43,246 --> 00:07:44,657 I don't know. It's always the same thing. 130 00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,215 Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day. 131 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:51,164 And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box, 132 00:07:51,188 --> 00:07:53,822 and I want a Magna Doodle and a new Uno game 133 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,124 'cause I lost a "Draw 2" card. 134 00:07:56,193 --> 00:07:59,560 And I want a pet animal that's half-chinchilla and half-mink, 135 00:07:59,629 --> 00:08:02,931 'cause it'd be really soft, and I could call it chink, and that's okay. 136 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,219 Geez, doesn't the mall close soon? We've been here forever. 137 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,283 Would you relax? We're right here. I'm next. 138 00:08:18,615 --> 00:08:19,981 Hello, Santa. 139 00:08:20,050 --> 00:08:22,217 Now, we've got a slight problem here, 140 00:08:22,286 --> 00:08:24,902 because I have been rather naughty. 141 00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:27,505 But you're a businessman, I'm a businessman. 142 00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:31,076 I'm sure we can work something out. 143 00:08:34,897 --> 00:08:36,414 Wait, what are you doing? Santa? 144 00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:38,066 You can't leave now! 145 00:08:38,134 --> 00:08:40,697 Hey, wait, buddy, buddy, we've been in line for, like, two hours. 146 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,265 Sorry. I'm done. You want your kid to sit on my lap, 147 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,873 meet me at the bar at Applebee's. 148 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,093 That sucks. Sorry, Stewie. 149 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:51,395 That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. 150 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,060 The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. 151 00:08:54,084 --> 00:08:56,434 How am I doing today, Gary Busey? 152 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:57,852 You're doing great! 153 00:08:57,921 --> 00:08:59,971 Good! Then I'll keep it up! 154 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,647 Peter, come help decorate the Christmas tree. 155 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:13,067 One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. 156 00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,431 Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. 157 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,471 Want some? 158 00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:17,906 Boy! Do I! 159 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,902 Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. 160 00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,470 Pour me a nice big tall glass... 161 00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:27,565 God bless us everyone. 162 00:09:29,686 --> 00:09:31,326 Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. 163 00:09:31,355 --> 00:09:32,765 What? You're not taking my car. 164 00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,629 Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. 165 00:09:34,690 --> 00:09:35,767 Driving you where? 166 00:09:35,791 --> 00:09:37,758 To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. 167 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,961 If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie 168 00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:42,541 thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming! 169 00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:45,161 Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, 170 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,419 but I'm not driving you to the North Pole. 171 00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:51,373 Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU. 172 00:09:51,441 --> 00:09:53,853 Now, I think we should go down there to support him. 173 00:09:53,877 --> 00:09:55,471 What? Yeah, apparently, 174 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:56,939 something happened at the mall, 175 00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,508 and she took a turn for the worse. 176 00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:00,743 They don't know how much time she has left. 177 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,752 Quagmire just called. He's really upset. 178 00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:06,940 It doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason, 179 00:10:08,476 --> 00:10:10,875 to the North Pole. 180 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:16,330 And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole. 181 00:10:16,399 --> 00:10:18,784 Hey, you want to hear a real live-action fart 182 00:10:18,853 --> 00:10:21,687 instead of one of those fake, cartoony ones? 183 00:10:26,477 --> 00:10:28,488 We're gonna need another pair of pants 184 00:10:28,512 --> 00:10:30,178 and another chair. 185 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:43,791 Hey, Stewie, wake up. We're here. We're at the North Pole. 186 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,795 What? North Pole? 187 00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,580 North Pole! North Pole! There it is! 188 00:10:53,604 --> 00:10:55,904 My word, I really must have been asleep! 189 00:10:59,610 --> 00:11:02,110 Ah. Look at this. The tip of the Earth, Brian. 190 00:11:02,178 --> 00:11:03,556 Okay, let's go see Santa Claus. 191 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:04,780 All right, let's go. 192 00:11:07,568 --> 00:11:10,285 Well, this is rather festive, isn't it? 193 00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,039 Small. 194 00:11:17,794 --> 00:11:20,624 Well, it has to be small because of all the tiny elves. 195 00:11:20,648 --> 00:11:23,097 That's right. Good point. Elves. 196 00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:24,466 Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls? 197 00:11:24,534 --> 00:11:26,835 Y'alls ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear? 198 00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:31,990 Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers? 199 00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:33,592 Uh... 200 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,394 From Katrina? 201 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,095 Okay. And, 202 00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:40,265 why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 203 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,502 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. 204 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,938 Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. 205 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,590 Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you? 206 00:11:49,660 --> 00:11:52,489 Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous... 207 00:11:52,513 --> 00:11:55,347 You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! 208 00:11:55,416 --> 00:11:58,483 There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! 209 00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,352 Nobody vomits at the North Pole! 210 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,619 Except for Santa's wife, 211 00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,366 because she has an eating disorder! What? 212 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,952 Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! 213 00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:07,537 Stewie, just pull yourself together. 214 00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:08,977 I won't, Brian! 215 00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:10,723 Now you get your ass back into that hippie car of yours 216 00:12:10,747 --> 00:12:12,481 and take me to the North Pole, now! 217 00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,165 Look, I know you're upset. 218 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,701 Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, 219 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,547 and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus? 220 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,737 Screw that. 221 00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:21,957 This was never about Christmas presents, Brian. 222 00:12:22,025 --> 00:12:24,738 Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole? 223 00:12:24,762 --> 00:12:29,030 Because I'm going to kill Santa Claus! 224 00:12:35,271 --> 00:12:39,708 So it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus. 225 00:12:39,776 --> 00:12:43,578 Would he succeed? Well, let's find out. 226 00:12:43,646 --> 00:12:45,608 Wait a minute, why the hell do you want to kill Santa? 227 00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,300 Because that fat bastard blew me off at the mall, 228 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,413 and he shall not go unpunished. 229 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,214 Now, let's go. I've got it all planned out. 230 00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,251 I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, 231 00:12:54,275 --> 00:12:56,185 take a few pictures of me and Santa, 232 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,104 and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, 233 00:12:58,128 --> 00:12:59,806 hopefully with his bitch wife watching. 234 00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:02,175 This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. 235 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:04,766 Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa. 236 00:13:04,835 --> 00:13:06,968 Why not? Because there's no such... 237 00:13:09,006 --> 00:13:10,905 Because when you get there, 238 00:13:10,974 --> 00:13:13,202 you may find out it isn't what you thought it was, 239 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,644 and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed. 240 00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:18,213 That's it? That's your reason? 241 00:13:18,282 --> 00:13:20,426 Well, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian? 242 00:13:20,450 --> 00:13:23,462 Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. 243 00:13:23,486 --> 00:13:25,771 Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. 244 00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,039 I don't feel like it. 245 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,508 Why are you always in such a bad mood? 246 00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:31,810 I have a nail in my anus. 247 00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,295 Oh. 248 00:13:33,363 --> 00:13:36,231 That's not fair. I don't think I have a negative attitude, I just... 249 00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:38,495 I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on 250 00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:41,269 a potentially dangerous journey... 251 00:13:41,337 --> 00:13:43,049 Stewie? 252 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:45,089 Say "Yes" to life, Brian! 253 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,608 I'll be home for Christmas. 254 00:13:48,796 --> 00:13:50,879 Son of a bitch! 255 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,638 So, what are we hauling, good buddy? 256 00:13:59,707 --> 00:14:03,224 I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north. 257 00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:05,043 Boy, this is the way to do it, huh, Jerry? 258 00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:07,713 Sure is. Think this makes us lazy? 259 00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:09,363 Nah, we're still in the V-shape. 260 00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:54,376 What is this? This is a weird gun. 261 00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:55,777 Yeah. Don't touch that. 262 00:14:55,845 --> 00:14:57,111 Oh, it's a flare gun. 263 00:14:57,181 --> 00:14:58,491 Maybe you should put that back. 264 00:14:58,515 --> 00:15:00,465 I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger? 265 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:44,108 Oh, my God, Stewie, you all right? What the hell happened? 266 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,344 Just some stupid stuff went down. 267 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:49,764 You could have been killed! I could have been killed! Look at my car! 268 00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:53,251 Well, you know, if you had just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa, 269 00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:55,670 none of this would have happened! 270 00:15:55,739 --> 00:15:57,250 What is this? What are you doing? 271 00:15:57,274 --> 00:15:58,623 Hitching a ride. 272 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,692 I'm gonna keep heading north until I find Santa. 273 00:16:00,761 --> 00:16:02,505 Stewie, you're not gonna find him. 274 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,129 You do what you want, Brian, 275 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,609 but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard! 276 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,845 Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, 277 00:16:08,869 --> 00:16:10,585 but I have no choice. 278 00:16:10,653 --> 00:16:13,573 You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist. 279 00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,726 Really, Brian? He doesn't exist? 280 00:16:18,795 --> 00:16:20,273 That's right, he's not real. 281 00:16:20,297 --> 00:16:22,397 Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian. 282 00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:23,999 Who else isn't real, hmm? 283 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,985 You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? 284 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:29,554 SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? 285 00:16:29,623 --> 00:16:32,023 Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean 286 00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,108 giving Squidward the business, hmm? 287 00:16:34,177 --> 00:16:36,510 And what about Curious George? Huh? 288 00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:39,047 Does he not really exist? 289 00:16:39,115 --> 00:16:40,848 Is Curious George not really out there 290 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,952 making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? 291 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,304 Educate yourself, you fool. 292 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,017 Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen for a sec... 293 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,723 No, you listen, Brian! 294 00:16:49,792 --> 00:16:52,126 I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, 295 00:16:52,195 --> 00:16:55,429 and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you. 296 00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:57,081 What? When Lois does that 297 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,449 middle-of-the-night feeding 298 00:16:58,519 --> 00:17:00,785 that she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up, 299 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,254 I'll let you take that one for me, Brian. 300 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:04,963 Are you serious? Quite. 301 00:17:07,044 --> 00:17:08,244 Okay, you got a deal. 302 00:17:10,981 --> 00:17:14,015 Damn it, it won't turn over. 303 00:17:14,084 --> 00:17:17,084 Great! Not even halfway through Canada, and we're stuck. 304 00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,519 Oh, hey there. You having some car troubles, eh? 305 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,393 Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole. 306 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,141 I don't suppose you're from AAA, are you? 307 00:17:27,197 --> 00:17:29,264 Who? AAA, you know? A-A-A. 308 00:17:29,332 --> 00:17:31,900 Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA. 309 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,634 No, not AA. A-A-A. 310 00:17:33,703 --> 00:17:35,264 Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh? 311 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,454 So you are with AAA? 312 00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:38,801 Oh, no, that's A-A-A. I just came from AA, eh? 313 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,903 Huh? Stewie, I think he's just a drunk. 314 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,121 Well, drunk or not, can you help us? 315 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,123 I can if you want to join AA, eh? 316 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,681 No, I'm already a member of A-A-A. I need help with the car. 317 00:17:46,749 --> 00:17:49,428 Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage. 318 00:17:49,452 --> 00:17:50,663 You might need a hose, eh? 319 00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:52,353 Jose, Roberto, whatever. 320 00:17:52,422 --> 00:17:54,500 If you've got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great. 321 00:17:54,524 --> 00:17:56,335 No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh? 322 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:57,903 Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate, 323 00:17:57,927 --> 00:17:59,305 but let's deal with first things first. 324 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,440 Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh? 325 00:18:01,464 --> 00:18:02,763 You have cash, eh? 326 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:04,210 I don't know, my name carries a little weight, 327 00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:05,794 but I don't see how that matters here. 328 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,197 Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car, 329 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,321 and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole. 330 00:18:10,373 --> 00:18:12,635 Oh, a car won't take you there, anyway. 331 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:16,019 But if you like, you can take my snowmobile. 332 00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:18,162 Really? You'd just give it to us? 333 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,316 Sure, that's what Canadian hospitality's all about. 334 00:18:21,384 --> 00:18:23,918 If you like, you can have all my money and my leg. 335 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,553 Okay. 336 00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:39,334 Why'd we take his leg? 337 00:18:39,403 --> 00:18:41,414 Well, we're in their country, Brian. We have to observe their customs. 338 00:18:41,438 --> 00:18:42,503 Oh, dear. 339 00:18:44,241 --> 00:18:47,258 Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey, Brian. 340 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,628 Ha! Damn right, ha. 341 00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,473 Brian, how long do you think we've been driving? 342 00:19:23,497 --> 00:19:25,074 I don't know, I've lost track. 343 00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:27,076 Besides, dogs don't have a good sense of time. 344 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,745 Could be three hours, could be three years, I don't fucking know. 345 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,037 Well, we must be pretty far north by now. 346 00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:35,105 Yeah, you're right. Look there's the Aurora Borealis. 347 00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:39,610 Yes, and there's the Aurora Boreanaz. 348 00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:40,894 Hi, there. 349 00:19:40,963 --> 00:19:43,431 Things are kind of beautiful up north, huh? 350 00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,236 Oh, no! What's the matter? 351 00:19:49,306 --> 00:19:50,505 We're out of gas. 352 00:19:50,573 --> 00:19:52,351 Out of gas? But, Brian, it's freezing out here! 353 00:19:52,375 --> 00:19:53,474 What are we gonna do? 354 00:19:53,543 --> 00:19:55,154 I don't know. We'd better think of something. 355 00:19:55,178 --> 00:19:57,161 Maybe I can help. 356 00:19:57,230 --> 00:20:02,150 There's an old, abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north of here. 357 00:20:02,218 --> 00:20:06,254 You could spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning. 358 00:20:06,323 --> 00:20:07,621 Thanks, David. 359 00:20:07,690 --> 00:20:10,691 Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight. 360 00:20:12,929 --> 00:20:15,074 Come on. Come on, now. 361 00:20:15,098 --> 00:20:17,365 Okay, we'll leave you alone. 362 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,662 All right, this should do for the night. 363 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,213 Look, Stewie, now that we have a moment, 364 00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,016 I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are. 365 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,739 Don't worry. I've got that covered. 366 00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:19,271 Hey, Lois, would you make an appointment for me 367 00:21:19,295 --> 00:21:20,772 to be neutered in two days? 368 00:21:20,796 --> 00:21:22,530 Are you sure, Brian? 369 00:21:22,598 --> 00:21:23,759 Yes, I'm sure. 370 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,328 And whatever I say in two days, 371 00:21:25,352 --> 00:21:27,918 do not let me convince you that I've changed my mind. 372 00:21:27,988 --> 00:21:30,783 Wow, you sound pretty serious about this, Brian. 373 00:21:30,807 --> 00:21:35,075 Oh, I am. In fact, I have this document that legally binds me to same. 374 00:21:35,144 --> 00:21:36,689 Have you had it notarized? 375 00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:39,914 No. But a notary should be here any minute. 376 00:21:39,983 --> 00:21:42,917 I received a call about notarizing a document, 377 00:21:42,986 --> 00:21:46,621 but I am spending the day with my family, so they are here, too. 378 00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:50,074 This is my wife, Janice, my daughters, Lisa and Jane, 379 00:21:50,143 --> 00:21:52,810 and this is Rosalyn, a friend of our daughter Jane's. 380 00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:56,013 Her family life is rough, so we are kind of like a second home. 381 00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:58,515 Robert! Well, it's true. 382 00:21:58,584 --> 00:22:02,403 Well, thank you for taking the time to notarize this important document. 383 00:22:02,472 --> 00:22:04,200 I'm sure you are quite busy. 384 00:22:04,224 --> 00:22:05,918 Yes. We only have a moment, 385 00:22:05,942 --> 00:22:10,010 for we are taking a bus tour of Providence and other places. 386 00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:19,031 The next morning, Stewie and Brian 387 00:22:19,055 --> 00:22:21,588 set out on foot for the North Pole. 388 00:22:21,657 --> 00:22:23,524 They were cold and tired, 389 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:27,962 but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. 390 00:22:29,832 --> 00:22:31,777 As long as I've got all you people watching, 391 00:22:31,801 --> 00:22:34,302 does anyone want to buy some pot? 392 00:22:38,058 --> 00:22:41,092 We must be getting close to the Pole. Look at all these igloos. 393 00:22:41,161 --> 00:22:43,944 Look, there's a Persian igloo that takes up the whole lot. 394 00:22:44,013 --> 00:22:47,464 My children are teaching your children to smoke at school. 395 00:22:53,256 --> 00:22:55,422 What was that? I don't know. 396 00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:58,420 You know, I think it's my back. 397 00:22:58,444 --> 00:23:00,404 Really? You've never mentioned back pain before. 398 00:23:00,446 --> 00:23:02,841 Yeah, I try not to mention health problems around the house 399 00:23:02,865 --> 00:23:04,865 for fear of being put down. 400 00:23:50,563 --> 00:23:52,897 Wow! Looks bottomless. 401 00:23:52,966 --> 00:23:54,348 It is bottomless. 402 00:23:57,803 --> 00:23:59,353 Who are you? 403 00:23:59,422 --> 00:24:01,472 We are the enchanted totem. 404 00:24:01,541 --> 00:24:02,723 The enchanted what? 405 00:24:02,792 --> 00:24:04,191 The enchanted totem. 406 00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,894 We hold the key to the bridge of eternal crossing. 407 00:24:06,962 --> 00:24:10,565 Which will allow you safe passage across the chasm without end. 408 00:24:10,633 --> 00:24:13,034 But first, you must solve our riddle. 409 00:24:13,102 --> 00:24:16,387 All right. Well, we got to get to the North Pole and kill Santa. So, let's hear it. 410 00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:17,638 The riddle is this. 411 00:24:17,707 --> 00:24:19,973 A father and his son are in a car crash. 412 00:24:20,042 --> 00:24:21,542 The father is killed 413 00:24:21,611 --> 00:24:24,795 and the son is taken to the hospital in critical condition. 414 00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:26,708 He needs surgery to save his life. 415 00:24:26,732 --> 00:24:29,066 But when he is placed on the operating table, 416 00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,334 the doctor says, 417 00:24:30,403 --> 00:24:34,155 "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." 418 00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:36,490 Who is the doctor? 419 00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:38,392 Wow! This is a toughie. 420 00:24:38,461 --> 00:24:40,573 Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away. 421 00:24:40,597 --> 00:24:43,898 Yeah, definitely. Maybe it's a my-two-dads kind of situation? 422 00:24:43,967 --> 00:24:46,244 Right. Like they don't know which one was the real father, 423 00:24:46,268 --> 00:24:48,213 so they both call themselves Dad. 424 00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:51,755 So, wait, were both the guy in the car and the doctor biological parents? 425 00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:54,508 Yes. And the guy in the car was the biological father. 426 00:24:54,577 --> 00:24:55,960 Crap. 427 00:24:56,028 --> 00:24:57,707 Well, maybe the doctor is the mother. 428 00:24:57,731 --> 00:25:00,998 No, that's just crazy. I got it, the dad in the car 429 00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:04,168 has to be a vampire, he's already dead, and he's a doctor. 430 00:25:04,237 --> 00:25:06,081 That's pretty smart. Let's go with that. 431 00:25:06,105 --> 00:25:08,606 Okay. The doctor is the dad, who is a vampire. 432 00:25:08,658 --> 00:25:10,591 That is correct! 433 00:25:33,316 --> 00:25:34,715 Terrific. Thanks. 434 00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:36,150 You're welcome. 435 00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,638 You know, this used to be all orange trees. 436 00:26:21,163 --> 00:26:24,681 My God! We made it, Brian! The North Pole! 437 00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:27,562 See? Boom! Right there! I told you! 438 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,788 This is where Santa Claus lives! In your face! 439 00:26:30,856 --> 00:26:33,374 I don't believe it. It's here. 440 00:26:33,459 --> 00:26:36,087 Damn right, it's here! Now, while you think about the fact 441 00:26:36,111 --> 00:26:39,358 that you're never going to enjoy a nocturnal breast-feeding from Lois, 442 00:26:39,382 --> 00:26:41,248 I shall open the gate. 443 00:27:01,387 --> 00:27:04,533 This can't be it. This can't be Santa's workshop. 444 00:27:04,557 --> 00:27:06,490 This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut. 445 00:27:06,559 --> 00:27:08,692 Oh, boy, get ready for the letters. 446 00:27:08,761 --> 00:27:11,178 Dear Family Guy bastards, 447 00:27:11,247 --> 00:27:13,547 who the hell do you think you are? 448 00:27:13,616 --> 00:27:15,461 I'll have you know that Bridgeport 449 00:27:15,485 --> 00:27:17,951 is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, 450 00:27:18,020 --> 00:27:20,232 shattered glass, boarded-up windows, 451 00:27:20,256 --> 00:27:23,156 wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. 452 00:27:23,225 --> 00:27:25,893 So eat my piss, Jew writers. 453 00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:34,196 Well, whatever sort of trick this is, I will not be deterred. 454 00:27:34,220 --> 00:27:37,421 I'm not leaving until Santa Claus is dead by my hand! 455 00:27:47,450 --> 00:27:51,269 Oh, my God! You're Santa Claus! 456 00:27:51,337 --> 00:27:53,420 Yeah. Who are you? 457 00:27:53,489 --> 00:27:56,440 I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to kill you! 458 00:27:57,293 --> 00:28:00,378 Ah. Thank God! What? 459 00:28:00,446 --> 00:28:03,564 Do it! Please! Put me out of my misery! 460 00:28:03,633 --> 00:28:06,066 You want me to kill you? 461 00:28:06,135 --> 00:28:09,303 Come on! What are you waiting for! Pull the trigger! 462 00:28:09,371 --> 00:28:12,072 Well, there isn't a great deal of sport in that. 463 00:28:15,261 --> 00:28:17,094 Oh, my God, are you all right? 464 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,598 I'm okay. I'm okay. 465 00:28:21,651 --> 00:28:23,412 I just need to catch my breath. 466 00:28:23,436 --> 00:28:24,835 I don't understand. 467 00:28:24,904 --> 00:28:27,649 I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy. 468 00:28:27,673 --> 00:28:30,207 I used to be, a long time ago. 469 00:28:30,276 --> 00:28:32,476 I made toys for little boys and girls. 470 00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:35,095 I loved my work, and they loved me. 471 00:28:35,164 --> 00:28:36,759 But it just got out of hand. 472 00:28:36,783 --> 00:28:40,084 The world's population kept growing and growing. 473 00:28:40,152 --> 00:28:43,421 Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! 474 00:28:43,489 --> 00:28:46,139 We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. 475 00:28:46,208 --> 00:28:47,802 You ever try to make an iPod? 476 00:28:47,826 --> 00:28:49,810 I've got orders for millions of 'em! 477 00:28:49,878 --> 00:28:52,257 Oh, that reminds me. I need a new version of Quicken. 478 00:28:52,281 --> 00:28:54,781 Look at the toxic waste we're producing. 479 00:29:02,357 --> 00:29:06,410 In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding. 480 00:29:06,479 --> 00:29:08,378 Inbreeding? Take a look! 481 00:29:10,666 --> 00:29:13,378 I started with one family of magic elves, 482 00:29:13,402 --> 00:29:17,388 and every year I needed more and more to keep up. 483 00:29:17,457 --> 00:29:21,258 Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. 484 00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:24,194 At least 60% of them are born blind. 485 00:29:29,235 --> 00:29:32,869 The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. 486 00:29:32,938 --> 00:29:35,717 It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, 487 00:29:35,741 --> 00:29:39,460 they just walk out into the snow and die. 488 00:29:43,248 --> 00:29:45,065 Then the reindeer eat them, 489 00:29:45,134 --> 00:29:48,068 which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures 490 00:29:48,137 --> 00:29:50,057 with a bloodlust for elf flesh. 491 00:29:54,243 --> 00:29:57,744 I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. 492 00:29:57,813 --> 00:30:00,397 What god would allow this? 493 00:30:00,449 --> 00:30:02,950 This is in none of the songs or poetry. 494 00:30:03,019 --> 00:30:04,484 It's a horror show up here! 495 00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:06,020 How could you let this happen? 496 00:30:06,088 --> 00:30:08,339 Me? I didn't do this. 497 00:30:08,407 --> 00:30:09,423 Christmas did! 498 00:30:18,768 --> 00:30:24,822 ♪ Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal as the holiday feeling was filling us 499 00:30:24,890 --> 00:30:30,794 ♪ But now instead all we're feeling is dread because Christmastime is killing us 500 00:30:30,863 --> 00:30:33,296 ♪ Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed 501 00:30:33,365 --> 00:30:36,734 ♪ Till the thought of existence is chilling us 502 00:30:36,802 --> 00:30:39,364 ♪ I'll tell you what Shove your list up your butt 503 00:30:39,388 --> 00:30:42,456 ♪ Because Christmastime is killing us 504 00:30:42,524 --> 00:30:48,813 ♪ But can't you see that what you do is a dream come true? 505 00:30:48,881 --> 00:30:54,751 ♪ Can't you see that every smile makes it all worthwhile? 506 00:30:54,820 --> 00:31:00,891 ♪ No, screw you. It's all but through There's too much to do 507 00:31:00,959 --> 00:31:06,731 ♪ All those dreams are nightmares And blank icy stares 508 00:31:12,788 --> 00:31:15,338 ♪ Each little elf used to fill up a shelf 509 00:31:15,407 --> 00:31:18,675 ♪ Making playthings and selflessly thrilling us 510 00:31:18,744 --> 00:31:21,378 ♪ Now they're on crack and it feels like Iraq 511 00:31:21,447 --> 00:31:24,782 ♪ Because Christmastime is killing us 512 00:31:24,851 --> 00:31:27,401 ♪ Each model train only heightens the pain 513 00:31:27,470 --> 00:31:30,754 ♪ of a workload that's draining and drilling us 514 00:31:30,807 --> 00:31:33,340 ♪ Fingers all bleed And look that guy just peed 515 00:31:33,426 --> 00:31:36,476 ♪ Because Christmastime is killing us 516 00:31:36,545 --> 00:31:42,833 ♪ But can't you see our point of view? We rely on you 517 00:31:42,901 --> 00:31:48,873 ♪ Can't you see that Christmas cheer gets us through the year? 518 00:31:48,941 --> 00:31:54,661 ♪ My whole crew is black and blue Can't you take a clue? 519 00:31:54,747 --> 00:32:00,434 ♪ You may think I look great But I'm 28 520 00:32:06,825 --> 00:32:09,359 ♪ Each jingle bell is a requiem knell 521 00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:12,546 ♪ And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell 522 00:32:12,632 --> 00:32:19,536 ♪ Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell 523 00:32:22,624 --> 00:32:26,527 ♪ Because Christmastime is killing us 524 00:32:27,596 --> 00:32:29,229 ♪ Killing us! 525 00:32:29,315 --> 00:32:31,275 ♪ Christmastime is killing us! ♪ 526 00:32:42,278 --> 00:32:45,212 So, Brian and Stewie found Santa Claus, 527 00:32:45,281 --> 00:32:47,747 but he sure wasn't what they expected. 528 00:32:47,816 --> 00:32:50,428 It turned out the increasing demands of Christmas 529 00:32:50,452 --> 00:32:53,320 had all but destroyed the poor old man. 530 00:32:53,389 --> 00:32:54,788 Okay, look at this. 531 00:32:54,856 --> 00:32:58,176 Somebody gave me a little remote control helicopter. 532 00:32:58,227 --> 00:33:00,260 Pretty cool, huh? 533 00:33:00,329 --> 00:33:02,296 Oh, it's broken. 534 00:33:11,774 --> 00:33:13,740 I don't know, boys. He's in rough shape. 535 00:33:13,809 --> 00:33:16,509 Doctor, you've got to do something for him. It's Christmas Eve! 536 00:33:16,579 --> 00:33:19,613 Christmas is the problem. He can't keep this pace up anymore. 537 00:33:19,682 --> 00:33:21,982 If he goes out tonight, he'll die. 538 00:33:22,051 --> 00:33:24,251 Well, then who's gonna deliver all the presents? 539 00:33:24,737 --> 00:33:25,769 We will. 540 00:33:25,838 --> 00:33:26,898 What? What? 541 00:33:26,922 --> 00:33:28,650 Stewie, look, you were right. 542 00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:32,025 Santa is real, and he needs our help. 543 00:33:32,094 --> 00:33:35,128 Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's Christmas this year. 544 00:33:35,197 --> 00:33:38,665 Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. 545 00:33:38,734 --> 00:33:40,834 I'll be with Allah soon. 546 00:33:40,903 --> 00:33:42,069 What? 547 00:33:42,137 --> 00:33:43,949 He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. 548 00:33:43,973 --> 00:33:45,349 Look, you'd better get moving. 549 00:33:45,373 --> 00:33:46,918 All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready. 550 00:33:46,942 --> 00:33:48,853 Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing? 551 00:33:48,877 --> 00:33:50,877 Never mind that, let's just get going. 552 00:34:23,329 --> 00:34:25,207 Ready to join the mile high club? 553 00:34:25,231 --> 00:34:26,830 What? 554 00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,776 All right. Let's get those reindeer hooked up and get out of here. 555 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:30,367 Okay. The elves are bringing them now. 556 00:34:46,068 --> 00:34:48,552 My God! That doesn't look good. 557 00:34:48,621 --> 00:34:52,139 God. That elf getting killed gave them all erections. 558 00:35:01,166 --> 00:35:03,601 All right, Brian. Let's do this. 559 00:35:06,171 --> 00:35:07,738 Go on. 560 00:35:08,774 --> 00:35:10,474 Giddyup. 561 00:35:11,343 --> 00:35:12,576 Come on, you dumb deer. 562 00:35:14,980 --> 00:35:17,208 It's not working. I think they need to be coaxed. 563 00:35:17,232 --> 00:35:19,199 Santa said they eat elf flesh. 564 00:35:19,968 --> 00:35:22,119 Excuse me? Sir? 565 00:35:22,788 --> 00:35:24,421 Mr. Elf? Sir? 566 00:35:25,091 --> 00:35:27,390 Hello? Young man? 567 00:35:30,279 --> 00:35:32,591 I don't think he even knows where he is. 568 00:35:32,615 --> 00:35:33,813 Do you want to just... 569 00:35:33,882 --> 00:35:37,384 Yeah, I mean, I'll just try and do it, I guess. 570 00:35:40,906 --> 00:35:42,239 Hey. 571 00:35:43,142 --> 00:35:44,541 Hey, fella? 572 00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:06,629 Um... 573 00:36:07,066 --> 00:36:08,431 Okay. 574 00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,700 Bye. 575 00:36:40,916 --> 00:36:42,549 Hey, Brian, look. 576 00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:45,196 That one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face 577 00:36:45,220 --> 00:36:48,221 and the other reindeer just kind of ate it. 578 00:36:48,290 --> 00:36:50,424 Isn't Christmas magical? 579 00:37:03,705 --> 00:37:05,049 All right, according to this map, 580 00:37:05,073 --> 00:37:07,352 we're approaching the northeast coast of the U.S. 581 00:37:07,376 --> 00:37:09,042 Get ready to land. 582 00:37:26,828 --> 00:37:30,747 All right, Bri, this is it, our first town. I'm gonna head for that roof. 583 00:37:33,919 --> 00:37:35,418 Why are we tilting? 584 00:37:35,487 --> 00:37:38,527 Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay? 585 00:37:39,024 --> 00:37:40,504 You're coming in too fast! Look out! 586 00:37:53,472 --> 00:37:54,638 All right, this is good. 587 00:37:54,707 --> 00:37:56,284 In and out of this house and onto the next one. 588 00:37:56,308 --> 00:37:57,469 What about the reindeer? 589 00:37:59,495 --> 00:38:00,855 Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards. 590 00:38:00,879 --> 00:38:02,399 Now let's get down the chimney. 591 00:38:10,523 --> 00:38:12,155 Ow! Bitch! 592 00:38:12,224 --> 00:38:14,035 Okay, let's get the presents under the tree. 593 00:38:14,059 --> 00:38:16,037 All right, you have 'em? I thought you had them. 594 00:38:16,061 --> 00:38:18,256 For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh! 595 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,347 Crap. On the roof? 596 00:38:25,904 --> 00:38:28,338 No, it's in the yard. 597 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,513 Oh, my God. 598 00:38:36,582 --> 00:38:38,159 Didn't you unlock the door when we left? 599 00:38:38,183 --> 00:38:39,527 No, you were the last one out! 600 00:38:39,551 --> 00:38:41,384 How the hell are we gonna get back inside? 601 00:38:41,453 --> 00:38:42,653 All right, find a rock. 602 00:38:51,063 --> 00:38:52,757 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? 603 00:38:52,781 --> 00:38:54,826 I'm putting out the presents. Not like that you're not. 604 00:38:54,850 --> 00:38:56,594 Tall in the back, short in the front. 605 00:38:56,618 --> 00:38:58,335 And show some care, for God's sake. 606 00:38:58,403 --> 00:39:00,503 You know, those aren't socks and underwear 607 00:39:00,572 --> 00:39:03,173 donated by the fire department to some battered women's shelter. 608 00:39:03,242 --> 00:39:05,542 Those are Santa gifts, Brian. 609 00:39:05,610 --> 00:39:07,211 You know, you have to... 610 00:39:07,279 --> 00:39:08,645 What are you doing? 611 00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:10,625 Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantel? 612 00:39:10,649 --> 00:39:12,694 What? They left it out for Santa. We're Santa. 613 00:39:12,718 --> 00:39:14,395 Yeah, but you're not supposed to eat all of it. 614 00:39:14,419 --> 00:39:16,253 You take a bite and a sip of milk. 615 00:39:16,322 --> 00:39:18,155 That's how the kids know Santa was here! 616 00:39:18,224 --> 00:39:20,268 Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... 617 00:39:20,292 --> 00:39:21,691 I'm telling you how it's done. 618 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:24,394 They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. 619 00:39:24,463 --> 00:39:27,309 Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? 620 00:39:27,333 --> 00:39:28,365 Stop it! 621 00:39:28,433 --> 00:39:30,045 Look, I'm here giving out free presents! 622 00:39:30,069 --> 00:39:32,013 All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! 623 00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:35,316 You know what? I might even make a sandwich! 624 00:39:35,340 --> 00:39:36,640 Wait. Where are you going? 625 00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:37,991 I'm going into the kitchen. 626 00:39:38,060 --> 00:39:40,300 I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. 627 00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:44,647 Brian, knock it off! 628 00:39:44,716 --> 00:39:45,765 Oh, man. 629 00:39:45,834 --> 00:39:47,351 You jackass! 630 00:39:47,419 --> 00:39:49,236 Hey, who the hell are you? 631 00:39:50,472 --> 00:39:52,601 Hello? What are you doing in my house? 632 00:39:52,625 --> 00:39:55,875 We're Santa Clauses. 633 00:39:55,944 --> 00:39:57,076 Yeah, you're Santa Claus. 634 00:39:57,145 --> 00:39:58,239 That's why you broke in through the window. 635 00:39:58,263 --> 00:39:59,362 I'm calling the cops. 636 00:39:59,431 --> 00:40:01,710 No, no, no. I can explain. 637 00:40:01,734 --> 00:40:05,902 We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. 638 00:40:05,971 --> 00:40:09,331 It's actually... It's kind of a funny story. 639 00:40:09,925 --> 00:40:11,386 What the hell did you do? 640 00:40:11,410 --> 00:40:12,993 He was gonna call the cops, man! 641 00:40:13,062 --> 00:40:14,828 You can't call the cops on Santa. 642 00:40:14,897 --> 00:40:16,297 Now, help me move this guy's body! 643 00:40:29,377 --> 00:40:31,961 He's still alive! 644 00:40:32,030 --> 00:40:35,390 All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary. 645 00:40:36,301 --> 00:40:37,634 All right, look, let's just go. 646 00:40:37,703 --> 00:40:41,737 Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for Johnny. 647 00:40:41,806 --> 00:40:44,252 Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it. 648 00:40:44,276 --> 00:40:47,193 Daddy, I want a drink of water. 649 00:40:47,262 --> 00:40:48,528 Shit. 650 00:40:50,065 --> 00:40:53,099 Hey, there. How you doing? 651 00:40:53,168 --> 00:40:55,202 Who are you? I'm Santa. 652 00:40:55,270 --> 00:40:58,037 You're Santa? Do you have my new cell phone? 653 00:40:58,106 --> 00:41:01,007 Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. 654 00:41:01,076 --> 00:41:03,843 Do you have her cell phone, other Santa? 655 00:41:04,913 --> 00:41:06,558 Why, I have a cell phone. 656 00:41:06,582 --> 00:41:08,715 So, we do have your cell phone! 657 00:41:08,783 --> 00:41:11,451 Well... It's... I have my cell phone. 658 00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,064 No, we have your cell phone. 659 00:41:13,088 --> 00:41:14,328 Give her the cell phone, Brian. 660 00:41:15,607 --> 00:41:17,607 There you go. Merry Christmas! 661 00:41:17,676 --> 00:41:20,421 Yeah. Merry Christmas. It has all my fucking contacts in it. 662 00:41:20,445 --> 00:41:23,213 Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face? 663 00:41:23,282 --> 00:41:25,460 Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? 664 00:41:25,484 --> 00:41:28,101 Who are you? Where's Dan? 665 00:41:31,540 --> 00:41:32,589 Oh, my God! 666 00:41:32,657 --> 00:41:33,673 Oh, crap! 667 00:41:36,928 --> 00:41:38,139 Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! 668 00:41:38,163 --> 00:41:39,646 Help! Help! 669 00:41:41,266 --> 00:41:43,266 Mommy! 670 00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:45,980 It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! 671 00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,532 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 672 00:41:47,556 --> 00:41:48,604 Mommy! 673 00:41:48,673 --> 00:41:50,857 Mama! 674 00:41:52,244 --> 00:41:54,164 All right, let's get this place cleaned up. 675 00:41:58,283 --> 00:42:01,117 All right, that's the last of the blood. Go check on the other kid. 676 00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,947 What other kid? Johnny, the one who's getting the bat. 677 00:42:05,190 --> 00:42:07,084 Stewie, there's only one bedroom up here. 678 00:42:07,108 --> 00:42:09,308 What? Do you have a brother? 679 00:42:10,078 --> 00:42:11,622 Well, then who the hell is... 680 00:42:11,646 --> 00:42:14,213 Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house. 681 00:42:15,817 --> 00:42:18,362 Damn it, we tripped the alarm. Brian, the cops are coming. Let's go! 682 00:42:18,386 --> 00:42:20,064 What? We're just leaving like this? 683 00:42:20,088 --> 00:42:21,665 What about not wanting to ruin Christmas? 684 00:42:21,689 --> 00:42:23,656 It's already ruined! This was one house. 685 00:42:23,725 --> 00:42:27,077 We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... 686 00:42:27,146 --> 00:42:29,808 First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. 687 00:42:29,832 --> 00:42:31,364 But an hour and a half, Brian! 688 00:42:31,433 --> 00:42:32,966 It's gonna be light in six hours, 689 00:42:33,034 --> 00:42:35,502 and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! 690 00:42:35,571 --> 00:42:38,087 There's two apartment buildings on this block alone! 691 00:42:38,140 --> 00:42:39,667 No wonder Santa lost his mind. 692 00:42:39,691 --> 00:42:41,319 This is ridiculous! We can't do this! 693 00:42:41,343 --> 00:42:43,143 Nobody can. It's inhuman! 694 00:42:43,211 --> 00:42:45,492 All right, come on, let's get out of here! 695 00:42:46,831 --> 00:42:49,060 Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer! 696 00:42:49,084 --> 00:42:50,978 Look, they're all eating each other, anyway! 697 00:42:54,322 --> 00:42:58,275 Besides, we don't need 'em. I made a few modifications. Hang on. 698 00:43:13,175 --> 00:43:15,642 That was a disaster. 699 00:43:15,710 --> 00:43:17,243 I can't believe it. 700 00:43:17,312 --> 00:43:19,929 We were supposed to save Christmas, and we completely blew it. 701 00:43:19,998 --> 00:43:21,981 We failed Santa. 702 00:43:22,050 --> 00:43:26,469 No. No, we didn't fail Santa. The world failed Santa. 703 00:43:26,537 --> 00:43:30,756 He gives and gives and gives, and everyone just takes him for granted. 704 00:43:30,825 --> 00:43:33,526 Hell, I didn't even think he existed until last night. 705 00:43:33,595 --> 00:43:37,035 Well, what are we supposed to do now? Christmas is doomed. 706 00:43:37,065 --> 00:43:41,717 Maybe, but there is one thing we can do. Move over. 707 00:44:10,215 --> 00:44:13,282 Lois, there's no presents under the tree! 708 00:44:13,802 --> 00:44:14,884 What? 709 00:44:16,304 --> 00:44:18,170 Oh, my God. 710 00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:20,084 Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? 711 00:44:20,108 --> 00:44:21,485 - No! - Me, neither! 712 00:44:21,509 --> 00:44:23,777 I got eight mediocre things. 713 00:44:23,845 --> 00:44:25,973 Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, 714 00:44:25,997 --> 00:44:27,914 Santa Claus skips Christmas. 715 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,217 Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning 716 00:44:31,286 --> 00:44:34,471 when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. 717 00:44:34,540 --> 00:44:36,301 Local officials are going with the theory 718 00:44:36,325 --> 00:44:38,358 that everyone was bad this year. 719 00:44:38,427 --> 00:44:40,471 The investigation continues into this mysterious... 720 00:44:40,495 --> 00:44:43,413 Wait! I know what happened to Christmas! 721 00:44:43,481 --> 00:44:44,561 Brian? 722 00:44:52,808 --> 00:44:53,907 Santa Claus! 723 00:44:53,975 --> 00:44:56,375 That's right. It's Santa Claus. 724 00:44:56,445 --> 00:44:58,322 And you've got to listen to me. 725 00:44:58,346 --> 00:45:00,274 The reason there was no Christmas this year 726 00:45:00,298 --> 00:45:04,701 is that this man is sick, very sick. And he needs our help. 727 00:45:04,770 --> 00:45:08,321 He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. 728 00:45:08,389 --> 00:45:11,874 The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. 729 00:45:11,943 --> 00:45:14,844 And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. 730 00:45:14,913 --> 00:45:17,347 But there's a way for us to help him. 731 00:45:17,416 --> 00:45:20,645 If all of us, everywhere, can just cut back our demands 732 00:45:20,669 --> 00:45:23,789 and ask for only one Christmas present every year, 733 00:45:23,839 --> 00:45:25,805 there may still be hope. 734 00:45:25,891 --> 00:45:28,374 I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, 735 00:45:28,443 --> 00:45:31,661 even in hard times, but if we don't, 736 00:45:31,730 --> 00:45:34,347 we may have to give up Christmas altogether. 737 00:45:37,168 --> 00:45:40,586 Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News. 738 00:45:40,655 --> 00:45:42,333 Looks like we have a choice. 739 00:45:42,357 --> 00:45:45,191 One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. 740 00:45:45,260 --> 00:45:46,826 Can we live with that? 741 00:45:47,995 --> 00:45:49,145 I can. 742 00:45:49,214 --> 00:45:50,429 So can I. 743 00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:52,716 Me, too. I can, too. 744 00:45:52,784 --> 00:45:54,133 I can live with that. 745 00:45:54,202 --> 00:45:55,345 Count me in. 746 00:45:55,369 --> 00:45:56,620 One is enough. 747 00:45:56,688 --> 00:45:57,820 Aye. 748 00:45:57,889 --> 00:45:59,222 I can. 749 00:45:59,290 --> 00:46:01,357 One gift is okay. 750 00:46:01,426 --> 00:46:02,742 I can live with it. 751 00:46:02,811 --> 00:46:05,828 Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, 752 00:46:05,897 --> 00:46:08,765 somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face. 753 00:48:03,531 --> 00:48:07,450 ♪ We can get out of any mess 754 00:48:07,519 --> 00:48:11,388 ♪ If we learn to live with less 755 00:48:11,456 --> 00:48:19,456 ♪ And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear 756 00:48:19,631 --> 00:48:27,303 ♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer 757 00:48:27,372 --> 00:48:34,343 ♪ Is all I really want this year! ♪ 758 00:49:33,889 --> 00:49:34,969 English - US - Line 21 61532

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.