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1
00:00:01,988 --> 00:00:03,831
This is the hardest decision
we've ever
2
00:00:03,899 --> 00:00:05,366
had to make as a couple.
I know.
3
00:00:05,434 --> 00:00:07,802
And even though I think
we're doing the right thing,
4
00:00:07,869 --> 00:00:10,036
I feel like there's a voice
in our head screaming,
5
00:00:10,104 --> 00:00:11,305
"You're making a mistake!"
6
00:00:11,372 --> 00:00:12,906
I know.
7
00:00:12,973 --> 00:00:14,775
But I've decided.
8
00:00:16,577 --> 00:00:19,179
We're going with
the blood orange citrus.
9
00:00:19,246 --> 00:00:20,647
Thank God.
10
00:00:20,715 --> 00:00:22,816
You know, I really had my
heart set on the red velvet.
11
00:00:22,883 --> 00:00:23,950
Honey, no.
12
00:00:24,018 --> 00:00:25,318
Red velvet is such a trend cake.
13
00:00:25,385 --> 00:00:26,519
It'll feel like
a hipster wedding
14
00:00:26,586 --> 00:00:28,187
officiated by Mumford & Sons.
15
00:00:28,254 --> 00:00:29,855
Listen, guys...
16
00:00:29,923 --> 00:00:32,124
we still have over 900
wedding decisions to make,
17
00:00:32,192 --> 00:00:35,328
and so far, all you
agreed on is...
18
00:00:35,395 --> 00:00:36,829
well, nothing.
19
00:00:36,896 --> 00:00:38,163
I know.
20
00:00:38,231 --> 00:00:39,298
It's so hard making decisions
21
00:00:39,366 --> 00:00:40,333
with someone who's not me.
22
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,034
Yeah, I mean,
23
00:00:42,101 --> 00:00:43,535
we had nine months
to come up with a baby name,
24
00:00:43,602 --> 00:00:44,837
and we're not even close.
25
00:00:44,904 --> 00:00:46,371
Look, guys, my wife and I,
26
00:00:46,439 --> 00:00:47,505
we've been through this.
27
00:00:47,573 --> 00:00:49,341
We have named 16 kids together.
28
00:00:49,408 --> 00:00:51,476
Luis, Luis Jr.,
29
00:00:51,544 --> 00:00:53,511
Little Luis, Wide Luis.
30
00:00:53,579 --> 00:00:55,513
But what I learned is that
31
00:00:55,581 --> 00:00:57,015
if you can learn to compromise
32
00:00:57,083 --> 00:00:58,916
in the little
things... like cake...
33
00:00:58,984 --> 00:01:01,785
then you can move on
to the bigger issues
34
00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:03,554
like baby names.
35
00:01:03,621 --> 00:01:04,889
Why don't you start
with something simple?
36
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:06,991
Like candles.
37
00:01:08,927 --> 00:01:10,928
Mm, these brown sugar
scented candles
38
00:01:10,996 --> 00:01:12,363
smell so delicious.
39
00:01:12,430 --> 00:01:14,697
Thank you for letting me
have them at the wedding.
40
00:01:14,765 --> 00:01:16,967
Well, you did let me choose
my blood orange cake,
41
00:01:17,034 --> 00:01:18,301
even though I did change it
42
00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:19,936
to burnt almond meringue
43
00:01:20,004 --> 00:01:21,838
after Guy Fieri ruined
citrus for us all. Yeah.
44
00:01:21,906 --> 00:01:24,074
So...
45
00:01:24,141 --> 00:01:25,475
there is something
46
00:01:25,542 --> 00:01:27,911
that I would like
at our wedding
47
00:01:27,979 --> 00:01:29,512
that I've been a little
scared to ask for.
48
00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:31,247
No, you cannot do
your Gollum impression
49
00:01:31,314 --> 00:01:32,481
when you put the ring
50
00:01:32,548 --> 00:01:34,383
on my finger.
No.
51
00:01:34,450 --> 00:01:35,951
(sighs)
52
00:01:36,019 --> 00:01:38,120
I was wondering how you felt
about inviting your mother.
53
00:01:40,390 --> 00:01:41,623
I feel...
54
00:01:41,691 --> 00:01:43,926
(screams, sobs):
No! No! No!
55
00:01:43,994 --> 00:01:45,327
Oh, my God. (Sobs)
56
00:01:45,395 --> 00:01:47,595
...conflicted?
57
00:01:47,662 --> 00:01:49,998
Look, I know it's been a
little chilly between you two,
58
00:01:50,065 --> 00:01:51,933
but you were working on it,
59
00:01:52,001 --> 00:01:53,902
you opened a dialogue,
it's starting to thaw.
60
00:01:53,969 --> 00:01:55,336
Don't you think
she should be here?
61
00:01:55,404 --> 00:01:58,973
David, I want our wedding day
to be about positivity,
62
00:01:59,041 --> 00:02:01,442
and love, and rented
trumpeter swans,
63
00:02:01,510 --> 00:02:03,476
and not any kind of tensions
between my mother and I.
64
00:02:03,544 --> 00:02:05,412
Okay, but she's your mom.
65
00:02:05,479 --> 00:02:07,281
Why would I want to share
our wedding day...
66
00:02:07,348 --> 00:02:08,348
our perfect day
67
00:02:08,416 --> 00:02:10,050
to celebrate our love...
68
00:02:10,118 --> 00:02:11,184
with her?
69
00:02:11,252 --> 00:02:14,054
Because your love wants you to.
70
00:02:18,292 --> 00:02:19,725
Fine.
71
00:02:19,793 --> 00:02:21,894
Yeah?
72
00:02:21,962 --> 00:02:23,396
But you have to agree:
No pretzel bread.
73
00:02:23,463 --> 00:02:25,798
Agreed. Now...
74
00:02:25,865 --> 00:02:30,036
(imitating Gollum):
Give me a kiss, my precious.
75
00:02:30,103 --> 00:02:32,071
You were so close
to getting some.
76
00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:35,188
77
00:02:35,308 --> 00:02:37,208
What's it gonna be,
what's it gonna be?
78
00:02:37,276 --> 00:02:39,144
I know!
79
00:02:39,211 --> 00:02:40,778
Oh...
Oh...
80
00:02:40,846 --> 00:02:43,315
It's our baby's
ultrasound picture.
81
00:02:43,382 --> 00:02:45,050
He looks like a
potato with a face.
82
00:02:45,117 --> 00:02:47,452
Thank God he didn't
get your nose.
83
00:02:47,519 --> 00:02:48,553
Thank you so much, Goldie.
84
00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:50,387
You can put it
on the bedside table
85
00:02:50,455 --> 00:02:51,888
next to that picture
of your mom,
86
00:02:51,957 --> 00:02:54,158
who I'm very excited
to meet, by the way.
87
00:02:54,225 --> 00:02:56,393
Oh, no, honey, that's a picture
of Meg Ryan, before...
88
00:02:56,461 --> 00:02:58,262
whatever the hell
happened there. (Chuckles)
89
00:02:58,330 --> 00:02:59,930
No, but you can meet Colleen.
90
00:02:59,998 --> 00:03:01,165
Why don't you come to dinner?
Oh, we'd love to.
91
00:03:01,232 --> 00:03:02,899
Yeah. Rocky,
do you want to come, too?
92
00:03:02,968 --> 00:03:04,868
Thank you, but I've met
your mom, so I'll pass.
93
00:03:04,936 --> 00:03:06,336
But I'll take home an expensive
94
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,737
bottle of red to make up
for what I would have drank.
95
00:03:08,805 --> 00:03:10,039
(laughs)
96
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,607
Well, Shania and I
would love to attend.
97
00:03:11,675 --> 00:03:13,776
Besides, it's important that
your mom meets Mr. Thingmeum.
98
00:03:13,844 --> 00:03:15,345
Have you decided on a name yet?
99
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,246
Oh, uh...
100
00:03:17,314 --> 00:03:20,383
Bryan and I are trying to avoid
the issue while Colleen is here.
101
00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,084
BRYAN: It's important
that she sees
102
00:03:22,151 --> 00:03:23,852
that David and I are on
the same page about things.
103
00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:25,387
Like she and my dad were.
104
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:28,190
And the baby name
is a bit of a...
105
00:03:28,257 --> 00:03:30,392
as they say on The View,
a "hot flash topic."
106
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:31,759
That's not what they say.
Well, they should.
107
00:03:31,827 --> 00:03:33,895
Your child's name should be
108
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:35,063
a source of conflict.
109
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,398
My parents named me.
110
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,299
Rocky Rhoades.
A little black girl
111
00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:40,368
named after lumpy ice cream?
112
00:03:40,435 --> 00:03:42,303
I had to fight for my life
on the playground.
113
00:03:42,371 --> 00:03:44,038
Shank or be shanked.
114
00:03:44,106 --> 00:03:45,406
I'm talking prison rules, baby.
115
00:03:45,474 --> 00:03:46,407
It was rough.
116
00:03:46,475 --> 00:03:48,009
Mom?
117
00:03:48,076 --> 00:03:50,311
Did you and Dad argue
about what my name would be?
118
00:03:50,379 --> 00:03:53,547
Um... actually, no,
we pretty much agreed.
119
00:03:53,615 --> 00:03:54,914
(toilet flushes)
That
don't impress me much...
120
00:03:54,982 --> 00:03:56,282
Oh, my God, I don't know
what it is about
121
00:03:56,350 --> 00:03:57,950
Shania playing in the
toilet stall, but,
122
00:03:58,019 --> 00:03:59,752
oh, baby, I'm so horny.
123
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,721
Oh. Wait! Go to the
family planning aisle
124
00:04:01,788 --> 00:04:02,889
and steal some condoms.
125
00:04:02,956 --> 00:04:04,157
What?
126
00:04:04,225 --> 00:04:05,858
No, there's no time.
The song's almost over.
127
00:04:05,926 --> 00:04:07,027
(toilet flushes) Mm!
128
00:04:07,094 --> 00:04:08,961
That's how I got my name?
129
00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:10,329
What? It was a loving moment
130
00:04:10,397 --> 00:04:12,431
between me and your dad.
A few minutes
131
00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:13,965
later, and your name
would have been Chumbawamba.
132
00:04:14,034 --> 00:04:17,403
(laughing)
133
00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:18,603
DAVID:
That is a great band.
134
00:04:18,671 --> 00:04:19,704
How could you joke about this?
135
00:04:19,772 --> 00:04:21,740
A name determines your destiny.
136
00:04:21,807 --> 00:04:23,175
And now I'm stuck for life
137
00:04:23,243 --> 00:04:25,244
with the choice you made
to a soundtrack of
138
00:04:25,311 --> 00:04:27,845
Canadian pop country
and auto-flushes?
139
00:04:27,913 --> 00:04:29,147
Well, that don't
impress me much.
140
00:04:29,214 --> 00:04:31,849
Oh, you... Shania.
Help me up.
141
00:04:31,917 --> 00:04:33,117
Yeah. Yeah. You keep that up,
142
00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:34,685
and no Nancy Grace for a week!
143
00:04:34,753 --> 00:04:36,220
(door closes)
144
00:04:36,288 --> 00:04:38,256
My God. If we named
our child after
145
00:04:38,323 --> 00:04:39,757
the song that was playing
when we first hooked up,
146
00:04:39,824 --> 00:04:41,025
his name would be Hoobastank.
147
00:04:41,093 --> 00:04:42,659
BRYAN:
Hoobastank.
148
00:04:42,726 --> 00:04:43,726
I like that name.
149
00:04:43,794 --> 00:04:45,295
Hoobastank Collins.
150
00:04:45,363 --> 00:04:48,198
Hmm, white people have
the craziest names for bands.
151
00:04:48,266 --> 00:04:51,201
Hey, guys.
152
00:04:51,269 --> 00:04:52,969
Whoa, no dessert
before dinner, Shania.
153
00:04:53,037 --> 00:04:55,439
I'm not Shania.
I'm changing my name to Sarah.
154
00:04:55,506 --> 00:04:57,040
What are you
talking about, monkey?
155
00:04:57,108 --> 00:04:59,241
For the past ten years,
156
00:04:59,309 --> 00:05:01,444
I've been saddled with
your oddball name of Shania,
157
00:05:01,511 --> 00:05:03,679
the name that you
arbitrarily chose
158
00:05:03,746 --> 00:05:05,347
because of the random song
that was playing
159
00:05:05,415 --> 00:05:06,882
while you were having
premarital relations
160
00:05:06,950 --> 00:05:08,250
in a pharmacy.
161
00:05:08,318 --> 00:05:10,286
Oh, yeah!
162
00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:12,754
That was you.
(fake laughs)
163
00:05:12,822 --> 00:05:14,956
There are five girls
in my class named Sarah.
164
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:16,791
I just want to be one of them.
165
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:19,394
Your mom and I agreed
on that name. Together.
166
00:05:19,462 --> 00:05:21,028
And you are not changing it.
Case closed.
167
00:05:21,097 --> 00:05:22,897
I don't think
it's a big deal, Clay.
168
00:05:22,965 --> 00:05:25,200
Let her call herself
Sarah if she wants.
169
00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:27,735
Case reopened.
Sarah's awesome mom
170
00:05:27,803 --> 00:05:30,137
gets a bigger vote
than Shania's inflexible dad.
171
00:05:31,106 --> 00:05:32,973
Whoa, Shania...
172
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,108
(door closes)
173
00:05:34,175 --> 00:05:35,209
How could you do that to me?
174
00:05:35,276 --> 00:05:36,977
In front of our daughter.
175
00:05:37,044 --> 00:05:39,045
You know, now she thinks
we're not a united front.
176
00:05:39,114 --> 00:05:40,981
This whole Sarah thing
will blow over.
177
00:05:41,048 --> 00:05:42,816
Last weekend,
she was the Hamburglar.
178
00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:43,950
(laughing):
I mean...
179
00:05:44,018 --> 00:05:45,219
Sorry. I-I just don't think
180
00:05:45,286 --> 00:05:46,352
that names matter that much.
181
00:05:46,420 --> 00:05:48,887
Although...
182
00:05:48,955 --> 00:05:51,124
I've been thinking
about my name, too.
183
00:05:51,191 --> 00:05:53,259
I've been through so many
changes this year.
184
00:05:53,327 --> 00:05:54,727
So I'm gonna drop Clemmons
185
00:05:54,794 --> 00:05:56,061
and go back to
my maiden name, Forrest.
186
00:05:56,130 --> 00:05:58,231
No. Y-You can't do that.
187
00:05:58,298 --> 00:05:59,332
It's not a big deal, Clay.
No.
188
00:05:59,399 --> 00:06:00,766
It's the biggest deal.
189
00:06:00,834 --> 00:06:02,300
We may not live together,
190
00:06:02,368 --> 00:06:04,902
Goldie, but the fact that
we share the same last name,
191
00:06:04,970 --> 00:06:05,970
it says we're a family.
192
00:06:08,974 --> 00:06:10,208
(sighs)
193
00:06:10,276 --> 00:06:12,910
Bryan, that getup
you're wearing.
194
00:06:12,978 --> 00:06:13,945
Y-You look like...
195
00:06:14,013 --> 00:06:15,447
Like a gay yacht captain?
196
00:06:15,515 --> 00:06:18,215
When you say it,
it's a lot less fun.
197
00:06:18,283 --> 00:06:19,883
(chuckles) DAVID: Now, Colleen,
198
00:06:19,951 --> 00:06:22,253
when was the last time
we saw each other?
199
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,021
Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral.
Oh.
200
00:06:24,088 --> 00:06:26,290
Oh, that was a tough day
for everyone.
201
00:06:26,358 --> 00:06:28,192
Especially your father, right?
202
00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:30,227
(chuckles)
203
00:06:30,295 --> 00:06:32,996
I absolutely love your home.
204
00:06:33,064 --> 00:06:34,197
Oh.
Oh.
205
00:06:34,265 --> 00:06:36,132
It's like the palace
of a tasteful dictator.
206
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,933
Thank you, Mother, it is.
207
00:06:38,001 --> 00:06:40,036
It will be the perfect place
to raise our child.
208
00:06:40,103 --> 00:06:41,171
Speaking of, I was hoping
209
00:06:41,238 --> 00:06:42,605
maybe that you would whisper
210
00:06:42,673 --> 00:06:43,873
the name of my grandson to me.
211
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:45,341
Oh, well, actually,
we're still sort of
212
00:06:45,409 --> 00:06:46,709
kicking the tires on
a few options, there.
213
00:06:46,777 --> 00:06:47,877
You haven't decided yet?
214
00:06:49,246 --> 00:06:51,146
He could arrive at any time.
(sighs)
215
00:06:51,214 --> 00:06:52,881
Okay, just give me
a few names you agree on.
216
00:06:56,052 --> 00:06:58,086
Okay. Uh, well,
217
00:06:58,154 --> 00:06:59,988
I would like to name him
after my grandpa.
218
00:07:00,056 --> 00:07:01,990
He was the best.
Oh...
219
00:07:02,058 --> 00:07:04,159
Yeah, he was a bit of
a moist kisser,
220
00:07:04,227 --> 00:07:06,094
but he made
one hell of an omelet.
221
00:07:06,162 --> 00:07:08,996
His name was Julius,
but everyone called him Julie.
222
00:07:09,064 --> 00:07:10,964
Julie...
the male offspring
223
00:07:11,032 --> 00:07:12,233
of two homosexuals.
224
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,701
I can't imagine
225
00:07:13,768 --> 00:07:15,102
any angry therapy sessions
in his future.
226
00:07:15,170 --> 00:07:16,604
Don't make fun, Bryan.
227
00:07:16,672 --> 00:07:18,972
Obviously David was very fond
228
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,608
of his grandfather, and I think
229
00:07:20,676 --> 00:07:22,176
Julius is a very nice name.
230
00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:23,176
Well, thank you, Colleen.
231
00:07:23,244 --> 00:07:24,911
What do you think of...
232
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,246
Thomas?
233
00:07:26,314 --> 00:07:27,780
Mm.
Hmm? Right?
234
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:28,881
It's the name of a president,
235
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,183
an apostle.
236
00:07:30,251 --> 00:07:32,051
An English muffin
with nooks and crannies.
237
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,387
And if Bryan gets his way,
238
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,323
then your baby's name
will be Tom Sawyer.
239
00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:38,057
(laughs)
240
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,258
Wait, why would you assume
241
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,593
we're using David's last name?
242
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,027
Well, David's the donor.
243
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,729
Is that not "the way"?
244
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:44,796
DAVID: And, Bryan, if
we use your last name,
245
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:46,832
his name would be Tom Collins.
246
00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:48,934
(laughing)
247
00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:50,769
Oh, no. He'll be teased by
248
00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:53,305
all the 55-year-old mortgage
brokers at the airport bar.
249
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:56,207
Boys, I don't want
to start any chaos.
250
00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:57,975
Mother, what-what chaos?
251
00:07:58,043 --> 00:07:59,143
This is not chaos.
252
00:07:59,211 --> 00:08:00,778
David and I agree
on everything else.
253
00:08:00,846 --> 00:08:02,647
Oh, it's true.
We've planned our entire wedding
254
00:08:02,715 --> 00:08:04,014
with not so much
as a speed bump.
255
00:08:04,082 --> 00:08:05,983
You know, actually, we are going
over the final details
256
00:08:06,051 --> 00:08:07,552
with the wedding
planner tomorrow.
257
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,019
Why don't you come with us,
258
00:08:09,087 --> 00:08:11,221
and you can see all the
decisions we agreed on.
259
00:08:11,289 --> 00:08:12,422
I would love to.
260
00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:14,023
Because I really want
to see that,
261
00:08:14,091 --> 00:08:16,860
you two boys on
the same page together.
262
00:08:16,927 --> 00:08:18,828
I mean, are you even sure
you're both gay?
263
00:08:18,896 --> 00:08:20,063
Well, if we're not,
we did something
264
00:08:20,131 --> 00:08:21,965
really weird last night.
265
00:08:25,102 --> 00:08:26,935
(laughs nervously)
266
00:08:35,313 --> 00:08:36,643
Okay.
Here's your flower choice.
267
00:08:36,677 --> 00:08:38,312
Perfect.
Love 'em.
268
00:08:38,346 --> 00:08:40,113
Centerpieces. Fantastic.
Stunning.
269
00:08:40,148 --> 00:08:42,115
And napkin rings.
Our napkins will look
270
00:08:42,150 --> 00:08:44,151
so gorgeous in those things.
So round.
271
00:08:44,185 --> 00:08:45,986
It's so nice to see you boys
finally in agreement.
272
00:08:46,020 --> 00:08:48,355
LUIS:
And here is your choice of cake.
273
00:08:48,389 --> 00:08:50,190
A burnt almond meringue.
274
00:08:50,224 --> 00:08:51,591
"Burnt almond"?
275
00:08:51,625 --> 00:08:52,759
It sounds...
276
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,694
well, let's face it,
it sounds burnt.
277
00:08:54,728 --> 00:08:57,597
Which is historically a sign
of failure in cake.
278
00:08:57,631 --> 00:08:59,899
I actually wanted a red velvet,
but Bryan insisted.
279
00:08:59,934 --> 00:09:01,701
I just feel very
strongly about this.
280
00:09:01,735 --> 00:09:02,669
Red velvet is pass?.
281
00:09:02,703 --> 00:09:05,004
Is it pass?, or is it perennial?
282
00:09:05,038 --> 00:09:06,906
Plantation owners
used to eat it
283
00:09:06,941 --> 00:09:08,140
in the antebellum South.
284
00:09:08,175 --> 00:09:09,208
So I'm supposed to serve
285
00:09:09,242 --> 00:09:10,309
a racist cake at my wedding?
286
00:09:10,344 --> 00:09:12,644
Bryan does know about
this stuff.
287
00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:14,947
All I'm saying is,
I respect and appreciate
288
00:09:14,982 --> 00:09:16,315
your partner's choice.
So do I.
289
00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:18,084
Well, red velvet it is, then.
290
00:09:18,118 --> 00:09:20,987
David, what else did
Bryan say no to?
291
00:09:21,021 --> 00:09:22,754
Oh... um...
Come on, show me.
292
00:09:26,658 --> 00:09:28,726
This was my nightmare.
293
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:29,961
I literally had a bad dream
294
00:09:29,996 --> 00:09:31,696
that my mother did nothing
but undermine me
295
00:09:31,730 --> 00:09:32,897
and pit us against each other.
296
00:09:32,931 --> 00:09:35,133
Except in my dream,
you were as tall as me.
297
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,868
I think
you're overreacting, Bry.
298
00:09:36,902 --> 00:09:38,603
Of course you do.
You know why?
299
00:09:38,637 --> 00:09:40,338
Because she's siding with you
and not me.
300
00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:42,106
About cake?
301
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:44,008
Who cares? It's not important.
302
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,575
Well, it's not
when you haven't had
303
00:09:45,610 --> 00:09:46,977
to deal with it
your entire life.
304
00:09:47,012 --> 00:09:48,979
Do you really think
my mother wanted
305
00:09:49,014 --> 00:09:50,947
to watch Baywatch Nights
like my little brothers?
306
00:09:50,982 --> 00:09:53,250
No. She just did it because
she knew I didn't want to.
307
00:09:53,284 --> 00:09:55,285
This is exactly why I
didn't want to invite her.
308
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,653
Because at a time
309
00:09:56,687 --> 00:09:57,953
where it is crucial
for us to be
310
00:09:57,988 --> 00:09:59,755
on the same page, she is turning
us against each other.
311
00:09:59,789 --> 00:10:02,325
Okay. That is not possible.
312
00:10:02,359 --> 00:10:05,028
I don't care about soup spoons
313
00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:06,996
and gluten-free
boutonnieres.
314
00:10:07,031 --> 00:10:10,033
I care about marrying you.
315
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,035
For all I'm concerned, we could
throw all of our choices
316
00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:13,701
in a hat
and draw 'em at random.
317
00:10:16,205 --> 00:10:17,906
We could make a game out of it.
318
00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:20,008
We could do it right
in front of her,
319
00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:21,343
at dinner with
Goldie and Shania.
320
00:10:21,377 --> 00:10:23,645
But not Rocky, who swiped
not one but two bottles
321
00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:24,812
of our good Merlot.
322
00:10:24,847 --> 00:10:27,782
Show your mom that nothing
can come between us.
323
00:10:27,816 --> 00:10:29,750
And you'll be okay with the
results, no matter what happens?
324
00:10:29,784 --> 00:10:31,652
Yes.
325
00:10:31,686 --> 00:10:33,254
Just no more disagreements.
326
00:10:33,288 --> 00:10:35,022
Agreed.
327
00:10:35,057 --> 00:10:36,190
Oh! BRYAN: Mm-hmm.
328
00:10:36,224 --> 00:10:37,224
We are ready!
329
00:10:37,259 --> 00:10:39,126
Yay! What are
we doing?
330
00:10:39,161 --> 00:10:41,228
Oh, yeah. Well, Bryan and I
just want to settle
331
00:10:41,263 --> 00:10:42,363
on a couple of our
wedding decisions.
332
00:10:42,397 --> 00:10:45,165
Oh, you boys must
really be at odds.
333
00:10:45,199 --> 00:10:47,800
No, Mother. Actually,
we are incredibly in sync.
334
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:49,069
So much so that we have agreed
335
00:10:49,103 --> 00:10:50,670
to let the hat decide.
336
00:10:50,704 --> 00:10:52,905
Well, I wish I had
that kind of free time.
337
00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:54,840
DAVID:
Okay...
338
00:10:54,875 --> 00:10:56,409
Let the games begin.
339
00:10:56,444 --> 00:10:57,677
(whoops) Okay, Shania,
340
00:10:57,711 --> 00:10:59,011
would you like to do the honors?
341
00:10:59,046 --> 00:11:02,414
Sorry. Sarah is
nonparticipatory.
342
00:11:03,683 --> 00:11:06,751
Okay. Uh, first category is
343
00:11:06,786 --> 00:11:09,288
beverage service, okay.
344
00:11:09,322 --> 00:11:12,324
There will be two choices...
one is mine, one is Bryan's.
345
00:11:12,358 --> 00:11:15,160
They will go into the hat...
mix it up, please.
346
00:11:15,195 --> 00:11:17,295
And the winner is...
347
00:11:19,064 --> 00:11:20,831
Oh, my God, it's mine...
Scott's microbrewery.
348
00:11:20,865 --> 00:11:22,366
(Goldie and Colleen cheering)
349
00:11:22,401 --> 00:11:24,034
Sorry, baby.
No, no.
350
00:11:24,069 --> 00:11:25,336
Listen, for our ten-year
vow renewal,
351
00:11:25,370 --> 00:11:27,305
you'll do your mint mixology station.
Amazing.
352
00:11:27,339 --> 00:11:31,709
The official floral
centerpiece choice is...
353
00:11:31,743 --> 00:11:33,610
Succulent desert cacti.
354
00:11:33,644 --> 00:11:36,079
Yay for David. Yes!
GOLDIE: Arriba.
355
00:11:36,114 --> 00:11:37,880
Law of averages says
you'll win the next one.
356
00:11:37,915 --> 00:11:40,150
Our first dance will be to...
357
00:11:40,184 --> 00:11:43,186
"I Only Wanna Be With You"
by Hootie & the Blowfish.
358
00:11:43,221 --> 00:11:45,955
(whoops) Love Hootie.
359
00:11:45,990 --> 00:11:47,924
Oh, I don't like rap music.
360
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,225
Riblets.
361
00:11:49,259 --> 00:11:51,160
Karaoke guestbook?
362
00:11:51,194 --> 00:11:52,394
People love that.
363
00:11:52,429 --> 00:11:54,796
Oh, I admire one's ability
364
00:11:54,831 --> 00:11:57,166
to cut loose
and sing like fools.
365
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,668
Bryan, you made a whole
TV program about it.
366
00:12:02,071 --> 00:12:03,239
Gyros.
367
00:12:03,273 --> 00:12:04,740
Ooh, delicious.
368
00:12:04,774 --> 00:12:06,341
Are you even putting mine in?
369
00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:08,876
Tiki torches.
370
00:12:10,179 --> 00:12:11,279
Festive.
371
00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:13,615
Valets dressed as Sith Lords.
372
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,815
Oh, Shania.
373
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:16,017
Sarah.
Sarah!
374
00:12:16,051 --> 00:12:17,619
Zoom, zoom!
375
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,621
And last but not least,
376
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:22,889
the mode of transportation
that will whisk the groom
377
00:12:22,923 --> 00:12:24,024
and the groom
378
00:12:24,058 --> 00:12:26,627
from the festivities will be...
379
00:12:26,661 --> 00:12:28,162
Drumroll.
380
00:12:28,196 --> 00:12:30,264
Segways... yes!
381
00:12:30,298 --> 00:12:32,166
What are those?
382
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,868
Eat my dust. Eat my dust.
383
00:12:34,902 --> 00:12:36,703
I cannot believe I won, like,
384
00:12:36,737 --> 00:12:38,371
every category. Yes!
385
00:12:38,405 --> 00:12:39,838
Hey, I've got a great idea
386
00:12:39,873 --> 00:12:41,106
if you want to settle
the name fight.
387
00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:43,309
It's not a fight, Mother.
Let the hat decide.
388
00:12:43,343 --> 00:12:45,311
Oh... I don't
know about that.
389
00:12:45,345 --> 00:12:47,313
Oh, come on,
it sounds like fun, right?
390
00:12:47,347 --> 00:12:48,914
Yeah, I don't think...
391
00:12:48,948 --> 00:12:50,916
This is happening.
392
00:12:50,950 --> 00:12:52,652
Uh...
393
00:12:52,686 --> 00:12:53,851
uh...
394
00:12:53,886 --> 00:12:56,054
Bryan, why don't we just go
in the other room
395
00:12:56,088 --> 00:12:57,855
and talk... are you gonna
write my name, okay.
396
00:12:57,890 --> 00:12:59,057
Sweetie, we don't have...
It's fine, it's fine,
397
00:12:59,091 --> 00:13:02,227
it's fine, it's fine,
it's fine.
398
00:13:02,261 --> 00:13:03,261
(Colleen gasps)
399
00:13:03,296 --> 00:13:05,096
Which will it be,
400
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:06,731
Thomas or Julie?
401
00:13:06,765 --> 00:13:08,132
Oh, I'm so excited!
402
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:10,000
I can't wait to hear
my grandson's name.
403
00:13:11,169 --> 00:13:12,869
Ready?
404
00:13:12,904 --> 00:13:15,872
(slow, rhythmic heart beating)
405
00:13:15,907 --> 00:13:17,641
(slow breathing)
406
00:13:27,918 --> 00:13:31,821
(slowly, distorted):
Julie.
407
00:13:32,756 --> 00:13:35,592
Yes! Julie Sawyer lives!
408
00:13:35,626 --> 00:13:38,628
Julie Sawyer lives, oh, my God.
409
00:13:38,662 --> 00:13:40,263
You wet-kissing, waffle-flipping
son of a bitch!
410
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:42,764
Julie Sawyer's alive again.
Oh, congratulations.
411
00:13:42,798 --> 00:13:45,967
COLLEEN: Hey, that's so
good, oh, I'm so...
412
00:13:46,001 --> 00:13:48,337
No!
413
00:13:49,805 --> 00:13:51,806
I don't give a damn
what this paper says.
414
00:13:51,841 --> 00:13:53,775
I can, I can let go
of a lot of things, okay?
415
00:13:53,809 --> 00:13:57,378
Riblets, gyros,
Hootie & the Blowfishes.
416
00:13:57,412 --> 00:14:00,314
Because at the end of the day
all those idiotic choices
417
00:14:00,349 --> 00:14:01,882
are insignificant.
418
00:14:01,916 --> 00:14:05,319
But under no circumstance
will my son be named Julie!
419
00:14:05,354 --> 00:14:06,820
Game over.
420
00:14:06,855 --> 00:14:09,657
Unless you disagree, Mother.
421
00:14:10,859 --> 00:14:13,193
Well, I certainly
never raised him
422
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,061
to be such a poor sport.
423
00:14:23,424 --> 00:14:25,492
(knocks) Mother?
424
00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:28,161
Oh, the sheets are very scratchy.
425
00:14:28,196 --> 00:14:30,397
Do you have anything
a little less organic?
426
00:14:30,431 --> 00:14:32,131
Yeah, I'll just run down
to the 7-Eleven.
427
00:14:32,166 --> 00:14:33,432
Mother, we need to talk.
428
00:14:33,466 --> 00:14:36,868
Oh, honey, you don't have
to apologize for your outburst.
429
00:14:36,903 --> 00:14:39,871
Planning a wedding is
a very stressful time.
430
00:14:39,906 --> 00:14:42,874
I know because I watch a lot
of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
431
00:14:42,909 --> 00:14:44,176
Okay, well,
that is a great show.
432
00:14:44,211 --> 00:14:45,444
But, no, I'm not apologizing.
433
00:14:45,478 --> 00:14:46,978
If anything, you should.
434
00:14:47,013 --> 00:14:49,247
What do I have
to be sorry about?
435
00:14:49,281 --> 00:14:51,349
The fact that
you don't know what...
436
00:14:51,383 --> 00:14:53,184
what deserves an apology,
437
00:14:53,219 --> 00:14:54,919
that deserves an apology.
438
00:14:54,953 --> 00:14:56,921
Just forget it, I knew...
439
00:14:56,955 --> 00:14:58,323
I knew this would happen
if invited you.
440
00:14:58,357 --> 00:15:01,158
You weren't gonna invite me
to your wedding?
441
00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:03,928
No.
442
00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:05,262
No, I wasn't.
443
00:15:05,296 --> 00:15:07,831
'Cause I don't want
to deal with this.
444
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:11,368
I tried with you
my very best, Bryan.
445
00:15:11,402 --> 00:15:14,003
I am sorry
if you judge me for it.
446
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:15,472
Me?
447
00:15:15,506 --> 00:15:17,274
All you do is judge me.
448
00:15:17,308 --> 00:15:19,142
You make fun
of the way I dress.
449
00:15:19,176 --> 00:15:21,477
You-you criticize
my work, my sheets.
450
00:15:21,511 --> 00:15:25,214
Y-You like David's baby name
choice better than mine.
451
00:15:25,249 --> 00:15:26,882
And look, I know you had
six kids to raise,
452
00:15:26,916 --> 00:15:29,318
but you could have tried a
little bit harder to disguise
453
00:15:29,353 --> 00:15:31,287
the fact that you loved me
less than the others.
454
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,289
You exhaust me, Bryan.
455
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:35,625
I-I can't win.
456
00:15:35,659 --> 00:15:39,561
I come here to your wedding
to a man.
457
00:15:39,595 --> 00:15:42,230
A man you're gonna
start a family with.
458
00:15:42,265 --> 00:15:45,233
My friends make comments.
459
00:15:45,268 --> 00:15:47,034
"I'm happy for them," I say.
460
00:15:47,069 --> 00:15:50,204
"I-I'm so glad he found
a good person," I say.
461
00:15:50,239 --> 00:15:52,539
"I was worried for a
while, but I'm not now.
462
00:15:52,574 --> 00:15:55,509
"I can't wait to hold
my grandson," I say.
463
00:15:55,543 --> 00:15:58,445
And then I come here
464
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,914
and share my
opinion about cake,
465
00:16:00,948 --> 00:16:02,949
and you still see
me as the mother
466
00:16:02,984 --> 00:16:05,552
who spanked you for
stealing her good lipstick?
467
00:16:07,922 --> 00:16:09,922
You're still so hurt, Bryan,
468
00:16:09,956 --> 00:16:12,024
and I can't fix the past.
469
00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,495
You're gonna be a father now.
470
00:16:17,998 --> 00:16:19,865
Isn't it time for
you to grow up?
471
00:16:23,236 --> 00:16:24,503
Yes.
472
00:16:29,609 --> 00:16:31,343
Thank you for coming, Mom.
473
00:16:31,377 --> 00:16:33,412
Thank you for asking me, Bryan.
474
00:16:36,416 --> 00:16:39,551
Oh, God, it's just so hard
to have big opinions.
475
00:16:39,585 --> 00:16:42,052
I'm right almost all
the time and I have
476
00:16:42,086 --> 00:16:45,423
no patience for
the slow-witted.
477
00:16:45,457 --> 00:16:48,158
It makes people
feel very small.
478
00:16:48,193 --> 00:16:50,160
I wouldn't recommend it.
479
00:16:50,195 --> 00:16:52,162
I know, it's maddening.
480
00:16:52,197 --> 00:16:53,497
I lived with you for 18 years.
481
00:16:53,532 --> 00:16:55,098
(laughs)
482
00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:57,033
And Bryan,
483
00:16:57,067 --> 00:17:00,136
David has lived
with you for eight,
484
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:03,340
and is signing up
for a lifetime.
485
00:17:03,374 --> 00:17:05,608
Give in on the little things,
sweetheart.
486
00:17:06,944 --> 00:17:08,978
I never did.
487
00:17:11,014 --> 00:17:13,482
Now, about that baby's name.
488
00:17:13,516 --> 00:17:16,318
There will be a moment
489
00:17:16,353 --> 00:17:19,187
when you will just know
what his name should be.
490
00:17:19,222 --> 00:17:21,957
Be patient. It'll happen.
491
00:17:21,991 --> 00:17:24,192
It happened on every
single one of my kids,
492
00:17:24,227 --> 00:17:26,127
except for your sister.
493
00:17:26,162 --> 00:17:29,230
In my defense, I was on a
few diet pills at the time.
494
00:17:29,264 --> 00:17:30,998
Poor Marva.
495
00:17:31,032 --> 00:17:32,600
I know.
496
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:35,102
(laughs)
497
00:17:35,136 --> 00:17:36,270
I know.
498
00:17:36,304 --> 00:17:38,138
(both laughing)
499
00:17:38,173 --> 00:17:40,174
(school bell rings)
500
00:17:40,208 --> 00:17:41,509
How was school,
501
00:17:41,543 --> 00:17:42,577
Sarah?
502
00:17:42,611 --> 00:17:43,611
Did you learn fractions?
503
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,545
My name's not Sarah anymore.
504
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,046
I'm going back to Shania.
505
00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:50,116
Something happened today
that changed my mind.
506
00:17:55,656 --> 00:17:56,523
What are you doing?
507
00:17:56,557 --> 00:17:58,024
What does it look like?
508
00:17:58,058 --> 00:18:00,926
I'm building a log cabin
out of fish sticks.
509
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,862
I'm Sarah. What's your name?
510
00:18:02,896 --> 00:18:03,896
Blog.
511
00:18:03,930 --> 00:18:04,530
What?
512
00:18:04,564 --> 00:18:05,865
It's a pretty weird name,
513
00:18:05,899 --> 00:18:07,833
but I've never met
anyone else with it,
514
00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:08,834
so I love it.
515
00:18:08,869 --> 00:18:10,168
Well, Blog fits you.
516
00:18:10,203 --> 00:18:11,804
To be honest,
517
00:18:11,838 --> 00:18:13,105
my real name is Shania.
518
00:18:13,139 --> 00:18:15,140
Some lady singer
named Shania was
519
00:18:15,174 --> 00:18:18,276
on the radio in the drugstore
toilet where my parents made me.
520
00:18:18,310 --> 00:18:20,412
Gross story.
521
00:18:21,313 --> 00:18:23,448
But cool name.
522
00:18:23,482 --> 00:18:24,982
A name defines you
523
00:18:25,017 --> 00:18:26,484
before you have a chance
524
00:18:26,519 --> 00:18:27,852
to do it yourself.
525
00:18:27,887 --> 00:18:29,421
Sometimes being unique
is exhausting,
526
00:18:29,455 --> 00:18:30,488
but it's who I am.
527
00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:32,456
Thanks for the cool name, Dad.
528
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:36,460
Did you know that your mom's
going back to her maiden name?
529
00:18:36,494 --> 00:18:38,962
It's... it's like
she's saying that
530
00:18:38,996 --> 00:18:40,864
we were never married.
531
00:18:40,899 --> 00:18:42,065
It makes me super sad.
532
00:18:42,099 --> 00:18:43,600
You should tell her
how you feel.
533
00:18:43,635 --> 00:18:45,469
Maybe I will, Sarah.
534
00:18:45,503 --> 00:18:47,404
Shania.
535
00:18:47,439 --> 00:18:50,306
It's gonna be hard
to get used to.
536
00:18:53,544 --> 00:18:55,545
David?
537
00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:58,047
I don't want you
538
00:18:58,081 --> 00:18:59,582
to give up everything
that you want.
539
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:01,050
Our wedding day should be
540
00:19:01,084 --> 00:19:02,552
a reflection of both
of our opinions.
541
00:19:02,586 --> 00:19:04,186
But you hate all my ideas.
542
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:08,824
Actually, there's one
that I really love.
543
00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:13,462
(Hootie & The Blowfish's
"Only Wanna Be With You" plays)
544
00:19:13,496 --> 00:19:16,431
Oh, seriously?
545
00:19:16,466 --> 00:19:18,967
You're okay with this song
being our first dance?
546
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:20,501
Oh, my God, no,
no, it's the worst.
547
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:23,971
No, we're just dancing now
to get it out of your system.
548
00:19:24,005 --> 00:19:26,340
(both laugh)
549
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:29,977
No, the idea that I love,
that I want to thank you for
550
00:19:30,011 --> 00:19:33,881
is pushing me to invite
my mom to our wedding.
551
00:19:33,915 --> 00:19:35,816
She actually gave me
552
00:19:35,851 --> 00:19:37,550
some really great advice
about picking a baby name.
553
00:19:37,585 --> 00:19:39,185
Oh, yeah? What was that?
554
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:40,553
To not stress about it.
555
00:19:40,588 --> 00:19:43,255
That when the time was
right, we would just know.
556
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:47,159
It's so good. Come on.
557
00:19:47,194 --> 00:19:49,028
You really like this, don't you?
Mm-hmm.
558
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:51,598
Oh...
559
00:19:51,632 --> 00:19:54,466
I'm gonna pout at you
until I get my way
560
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:57,035
BOTH:
"Sawyer Collins."
561
00:19:57,069 --> 00:19:58,370
I won't dance...
562
00:19:58,404 --> 00:20:00,372
Oh, my God, I love it.
It's perfect.
563
00:20:00,406 --> 00:20:04,009
I just want to love you,
but you want to wear my ring
564
00:20:04,043 --> 00:20:06,144
But there's nothing I can do
565
00:20:06,178 --> 00:20:07,846
Oh!
Yes!
566
00:20:07,881 --> 00:20:09,079
It was the song.
567
00:20:09,114 --> 00:20:11,448
I only wanna be with you. (laughter)
568
00:20:19,391 --> 00:20:21,425
Whoa!
Oh!
569
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:23,494
It was really sweet of
you to suggest this.
570
00:20:23,529 --> 00:20:25,663
The girls are having
so much fun. (Laughs)
571
00:20:25,697 --> 00:20:27,397
Goldie?
572
00:20:27,431 --> 00:20:29,166
Do you remember the last time
573
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,568
we were at a bowling alley
together?
574
00:20:31,602 --> 00:20:33,570
Yes, Yes, I'll marry you.
575
00:20:33,604 --> 00:20:36,373
For better or worse. (Whoops)
576
00:20:37,441 --> 00:20:39,509
Of course.
577
00:20:39,544 --> 00:20:42,845
It's different, though.
I mean, we are a lot different.
578
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,714
Yeah. (Laughs)
Yeah.
579
00:20:45,849 --> 00:20:47,650
Huh.
Oh.
580
00:20:47,685 --> 00:20:49,786
Okay.
581
00:20:50,821 --> 00:20:53,322
One thing hasn't changed.
582
00:20:54,291 --> 00:20:57,425
I love you, and I don't care
583
00:20:57,459 --> 00:21:00,261
if your name is Goldie Forrest
or Clemmons.
584
00:21:00,296 --> 00:21:02,363
Hell, I'd change my name
to Clay Forrest
585
00:21:02,398 --> 00:21:04,598
if it means
I get to spend the rest
586
00:21:04,632 --> 00:21:06,067
of my life with you.
587
00:21:06,101 --> 00:21:08,669
Goldie...
588
00:21:08,704 --> 00:21:10,738
will you remarry me?
589
00:21:25,393 --> 00:21:30,423
590
00:21:30,473 --> 00:21:35,023
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