All language subtitles for The New Normal s01e18 Para-New Normal Activity.eng

Bryan: Halloween is my absolute
favorite holiday.

I look forward to it all
year and put all of my energy

into making sure it's fun
and festive for everyone.

It's like gay Christmas,
except you get

to invite people
you actually like.

I don't like this.

Well, I'm sorry, but last year

you scared too many children
with your costume

when you went
as the mother from precious.

Okay, so now I have to
be... who am I again?

Matt Lauer from the today show.

He handles hard-hitting news and
cooking segments with equal aplomb.

Look, Rocky, the point
of Halloween is that

you get to be whoever
it is you want to be,

and I want you
to be Matt Lauer.

Another Halloween thing
I love to do

is pick out pumpkins
in the paparazzi patch

with my bestie Nicole Richie.

(Paparazzi clamoring) Nicole!

Can you hold this pumpkin
in front of my head

to obscure their shot?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

This must be so
annoying for you.

Turn around, turn around!

Put the pumpkin down!

Nicole!

Is that Courtney Love?

No, that's a scarecrow.

That is Courtney Love.

You look great.

But Halloween
wouldn't be complete

without curling up on the couch

and watching scary movies...
the scarier the better...

psycho, the exorcist,
27 dresses.

I didn't know
frankenstein had a wife.

Oh, sure, nobody has a problem
with monster marriage.

Ooh, here comes a scary part.
God, who can see

in here?

Sweet mother.
Oh!

David.
Geez.

Guys, I've been thinking a lot

about our Halloween costumes,

and, Bryan, I know
you always have

a very specific idea of what
we're gonna dress as,

but seeing as there's more of us
this year,

I was thinking that maybe
we could go as...

Oh, David,
that is a great idea,

oh, but we are all going to be

the redneck family
from here comes honey boo boo.

Well, as long
as you loved my idea.

I already have my makeup
and wardrobe people

at the show on it.

I'm gonna be mama June,

Goldie's gonna be chickadee,

you're gonna be sugar bear,

and guess who's honey boo boo.

A dollar makes me holla,
honey boo boo.

Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com

You better redneck-ognize.

Great, okay, let's
try it again.

This time give me
pageant cupcake hands.

Whoo, go, baby.

Now show me gunslinger.

Whoo!

Reminds me of how Nana
used to make me do

pageants when I was little.

I bet you won a lot.

I did. You
know, Nana put

the entire $65 into
my college fund.

I'm gonna go rehydrate.

Good work, baby.

(Slow knocking at door)

(Screams)

(Laughs) Your face...

you looked like you were gonna
get killed or something.

No, Clay,

what are you doing here?

It's Halloween.

It's a family tradition.

But you're making me and Shania

come back to Ohio next week.

You served me
custody papers, remember?

I didn't, some lawyer did.

Geez, you always got to make
me out to be the bad guy.

Daddy.

Hey, monkey.

Please come in.

(Bump) Ow.

Yep.

I'll get the ice.

Why are you using a melon
baller to do detail work?

Would you use a hammer
to frost a cake?

Can I just do it my way?

Okay, can I see?

Sure.
Oh, your pumpkin

looks like it had a stroke.

Goldie:
You know, Nicole,

besides Santa, you're the
first celebrity I've ever met.

Aw, that's sweet of you to say,

but don't call me a celebrity.

But you are.

I know, it's just
so uncool to say.

Oh, got it.

It's like squeezing dog poop
with big seeds in it.

Come on, Shania, do it with me.

Don't worry,
he doesn't get a knife.

We only let him scoop.

David:
So, Goldie,

uh, how are you doing

with the little surprise
visit from Clay?

I mean, it is hard to pretend
like everything's okay with him

when I know he stands between me

and our happiness.
(Doorbell rings)

But then I see him with Shania,

and I feel so bad
for keeping them apart.

(Door opens and closes)

Hey, guys.

Hi.
Hey, Ian,

you remember Nicole
and Goldie and Shania,

and that's Clay.

Clay is Goldie's...

C-Clay.

Hey, buddy,

loving the long locks.

Yeah, and those
sandals are rocking.

Hey, Shania, why
don't you take Avery

upstairs and show him
my collection

of east Asian slippers?

I think you'd really like that.

Sure.

Hey, I have a shirt
just like that.

It's a tunic.

Come on.

So, Ian, what's

little Avery going as
for Halloween?

Well, we're still hovering
around a couple of ideas.

(Ian and Avery make
shooting noises)

Son,

I got us these great

teenage mutant ninja turtle
costumes for Halloween.

No, I want to go as
Bruce Vilanch or a fairy.

Okay, but turtles
with weapons...

that's pretty awesome, huh?

But they don't have
tights or wings

or write jokes for the oscars.

So he's going as Vilanch?

No, I won't let him.

Why can't he be

Batman or superman?

I'd even settle
for aquaman... a man.

I just don't want

other kids making fun of him.

Nicole: You know, I
read this article

in the New York times that said

that cross-gender
experimentation happens

in about five percent of boys

and really can be caused
by anything

from emulating maternal figures

to the presence of
prenatal hormones.

This came up with an
actress friend of mine

whose daughter only
dresses like a boy.

She's totally gonna tell me who
it is after you guys leave.

No way.

I would never betray
her confidence.

Bryan: Ian, I just
think it would be

really empowering for you

to let Avery make
his own choice.

Wait a second, you're okay
with a five-year-old making

his own costume decision
but not with me making mine?

(Laughs) Honey,
that's because we do

things together,
because we are a team.

No, you tell me what
to wear and I wear it.

But you know what?

This year I am gonna be
whoever I want to be.

Bryan: So you're not gonna
dress up as sugar bear?

Where am I supposed to find
a shiftless husband

and a poor excuse for a father?

I don't know.

Hey, I could do that.

Mom, can I go pick out
my monster makeup?

Oh, man, Shania,
when I was your age,

me and my friends
used to put on makeup

and dress like we were
in this band kiss.

Oh, we, we spit blood

and blew fireballs and stuff.

Oh, one time

this awesome dude Johnny pacheco

poured gasoline in his
mouth and swallowed it.

(Laughing):
We were dying.

He actually did; He pretty much
died right in front of our eyes.

We were just about
your age, Shania.

Go pick out your makeup,
okay, honey?

Off you go.

(Sighs)

Why would you tell her
a story like that?

She's gonna have nightmares.

Oh, sure, sorry.
Truce?

Fine, truce.

Oh, your face.

You were like, "oh,
my God, zombie hand."

(Laughs) (Laughs sarcastically)

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, I get you're not psyched
that I just kind of showed up,

but I'm glad I'm here.

But you're not really here
for us, are you?

It's all to look good for some
judge back in Ohio, right? No.

I mean, I want the court
to see I'm a good dad,

but just 'cause I want
to be with Shania.

She's my kid, I love her.

You say that,
but you don't know

the first thing
about being a good dad.

Come on, Clay,

you've never even taken her
trick-or-treating before.

I tried, remember,
a few years back,

but you were on my case,
nagging me the whole time.

"She needs her jacket.
Don't let her eat nuts.

Make sure the
safety's on."

I have to do that 'cause you
act like a child all the time.

Because you try to control
everything I do, Goldie.

You don't like the way
I do anything with her.

I just want you
to be a better dad.

How can I be?

You took her away and
you moved to California.

How am I supposed
to be the parent

you want me to be if you
won't let me be with her?

I know you're in there,
honey, come on.

Time to go.

Oh Sam, you're a genius!

You even gave me
Mama June's neck crust..

Oh, it's brilliant.

Oh, please, honey,

if I can make Bea Arthur
pass as a woman,

I can certainly do
a simple fat roll.

(Laughs)

(David grunting)

What do you think?

I'm Tom Brady.

I can't believe you're cheating

on me with another costume.

I'm not cheating,

I'm just doing my own thing.

It just bothers you
'cause you can't control it

like every other year.

Hey, kids.

(Children scream)

Oh, no, don't run away.

He was the wind
beneath my wings.

Cute.
Is it?

Doesn't it all seem just
like a big gay clich? to you?

Why is that you...

and overweight members
of the media...

think that anything
remotely effeminate or camp

is a stereotype?

You're all trying to keep
the fey gay quarantined

in the center square.

Ain't it the truth, honey?

Nobody wants

the femme gays anymore.

The media, the straights...

everybody has such disdain.

Even the trans community
doesn't want us.

If you're the least bit
femme anymore,

they call you an Uncle Tom Ford.

Bryan: Just face
the truth, David,

you're embarrassed by me.

I am not embarrassed.

He's embarrassed.

It sounds like he's embarrassed.

Okay, I'm a little embarrassed.

I just don't understand
why Halloween has to be

one big gender-bending party.

David, every day of
the year, I walk around

a little self-conscious
in the world.

I'm not like you.

I have to remember
to deepen my voice

and be aware of my
too-vivid hand gestures

and take big, manly strides.

Wear spanx to the supermarket.

Bryan:
But on Halloween

I get to let all that go.

I get to put on my
mask and my makeup

and let my freak flag fly,

so that's what I'm
trying to do this year.

You can join me or not.

Okay, I choose not.

Fine.
Fine.

Sam, what are you going as?

Lisa ling's sister...
the one who got kidnapped.

Lucy Liu got kidnapped?

No.

The cool thing
about this year is,

in this costume, babe,
people won't get uptight

if I'm drinking a beer

while we're out
trick-or-treating.

Yeah.

I look like I did
in our wedding photos.

You've never been prettier

than on that day, Goldie.

Stop it.

But the most awesome
thing about all this

is that we're going
as a family...

you, me, and the kid.

Shania:
Mom.

I don't want to be
honey boo boo.

It's just not me.
What?

Baby, you look adorable,

and I thought
you loved the idea.

Well, Bryan's bossiness
is infectious,

and I laugh at the show, too,

but I feel
like I'm laughing at them.

Plus, I can't support something

that perpetuates
a sexualization of girls

and denigrates a family

because of their lack
of economic resources.

Know what I mean?

Goldie:
Baby,

you don't ever have to be

someone you don't want to be.

Go on, go wash off

the eight pounds of makeup.

(Sighs) You see, Goldie,

you did it again.

I'm her dad, and you
didn't even ask me.

You just made the
decision yourself.

Me and Shania were supposed
to be costume buddies.

Every time I figure out a way

to get close to her,

you always steal
her away from me.

That is not true.
No.

No more, Goldie.

We-we'll ditch the
stupid costumes, okay,

with my kid, and I'm
gonna do it my way.

I don't want to dress up
as honey boo boo. I just feel

like Halloween is a chance
to show the world who you are,

and I'd rather not squander it
on a message

that champions irony
over authenticity.

I had a different idea
about what

to go as instead.

You are wasting
your breath, Shania.

No one changes Bryan's mind

about anything.

He won't even participate
in daylight savings time.

It's just so arbitrary.

David:
See?

Good luck with your costume.

Tell me what
you were thinking, sweetie.

I thought it'd be neat

if I went as frankenstein.

Frankenstein?

That's so last century.
Hmm.

I even had this idea that
we could all go as frankenstein.

Cause in a way, we're sort of
these separate pieces

who've been sewn together

to make up this kind of
freaky family.

Well, I do have a closet
full of platform boots.

Okay, guys, we have to hurry.

We only have 24 hours
to get our costumes ready.

Or 23 hours if you believe one
of them magically disappears.

This is great.

Oh, these bolts are cool.

Brains!

Uh, mom, Frankensteins
don't scream, "brains."

That's zombies.
Oh. Sorry.

Brains!

(Roaring) (Giggling)

David: All right, go long.
Go long, Bry.

Bry, go long.

Hey, look, everybody.

It's Igor in a jockstrap.

Sorry, everyone.

Dr. Frankenstein's
a little testy

because someone is doing
what they want to for once.

No, David. I think
a football player

is a really original costume.

Right behind hobo
and slutty nurse.

This... getting... awkward.

(Doorbell rings) Oh, good!

The first
trick-or-treaters!

(Moaning) (Moaning)

Come on.
Brains!

(Roaring)

(Grunting)

(Grunting) Are you ready?

Yup.
(Roars)

Oh. Bryan: Rocky.

Matt Lauer would never wear
that tennis dress.

I'm Serena Williams.

I'm tired of you telling me who
I have to be every Halloween.

Why is everybody rejecting
my brilliant ideas?

No wonder mad scientists
are so mad.

Rocky, guess who I am.
Oh, my God.

You're the little guy
on top of a football trophy.

Do you want to come
trick-or-treating with us?

No, thanks. I'll stay here

and hand out candy to
the adorable children

and protect the liquor cabinet
from vandals.

(Knocking) Oh, good!

The first trick-or-treaters!

Boo.
(Cheers and laughs)

(Groaning)

Boo!

Nana...
What are you doing here?

After everything you did
with Shania's pretend wedding,

you can't expect me

to welcome you with open arms.

Jane: Oh. It was me.

I called her.

I have not missed a Halloween

with goggles for nine years,

and I'm not about to start now.

Oh, really? Well,
who are you supposed to be?

She's Endora from bewitched.

She was the show's
sharp-tongued comic relief.

Audiences didn't know
whether to love her or hate her.

Jane:
Come on.

There's a lot
of candy out there,

and a neighborhood full of fat,
persian kids to beat to it.

Let's go.

Candy!

Okay. Bryan: Come on, Rocky.

Turn the lights off,

we'll put the candy
by the door. Come with us.

Even though I didn't wear
your Matt Lauer costume?

Look, sometimes
I lose sight of the big picture.

But you know what?

Your costume makes me
look better by association.

(Laughs) It's like
Jay-Z with Beyonce.

What do you say?

Trick-or-treat!

Fruit?

What is this, an off-ramp?

Come on.

What do you say?

Thank you.

Hmm.

(Door squeaks shut)

Hey, Halloween isn't only
about the treats, you know.

It's also about the tricks.

(Whispers):
All right, let's go.

(Doorbell rings)

All:
Trick-or-treat!

Hey, guys.
Come on in!

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Now that

is a costume.
Hey, how you doing?

Hi. You got anything
stronger than candy?

Yup, up, we got plenty.
Come on in.

Hey. Where's your daughter
and her dad?

Um, I think trick-or-treating
one street over.

Clay said this is
the only night for free candy.

That he can have free
boring conversation

any other night
of the year, so, meh.

(Sighs)

So, Ian,

I don't think you've met...

Endora from bewitched!

I love that show!

Look! I'm a fairy!
I can fly! Wee!

No more candy, son.

Son? Are you going

to let that little fairy
out-do you like that?

So, I-I thought you guys were
going as ninja turtles?

We were. Then Avery threw a fit.

Do you know what it's like to
be around someone who screams

and cries and holds his breath
until he gets what he wants?

Nope.

After two hours of high-pitched
screeching, I realized,

I can force him to dress
a certain way for me,

but it's not gonna change
who he is on the inside.

He is who he is.

Not gonna change him.

You're a good dad, bud.

No. I'm weak,
and I'm exhausted.

All I care about
is that cold beer

that my wife brings me
after she's tucked him in.

But that's nice of you to say.

Daddy, help.

I have poo-poo
in my panties.

Atomic fireball? Score!

I love atomic fireballs.
Yeah.

Sure do love their
daddies, don't they?

Oh, still hate me, huh?

We have plenty of time
to work that out in Ohio.

Back where people
clean their own houses.

God, Nana, sometimes you make me
so crazy, you know that?

The things you say.

I am what I am.

Not about to change now.

And I guess I need
to remember that.

When I saw you
trick-or-treating tonight,

the way you were with Shania...
it made me think.

You're the one person
who's always been there for me.

The only one,
actually. Ever.

Goldie, what do you say
to the nice lady?

Trick-or-treat!

Thank you.
Good girl.

You remembered to say thank you.
I'm surprised.

I'd like to think
that I'm a good mom.

But I didn't learn that
from my mom.

I learned it from you.

Thank you, Nana.

Thank you for always
being here for us.

Didn't really have a choice.

I couldn't just leave you.

Sure you could have.
No.

But you didn't.

And even now
that I'm all grown up,

here in L.A. with people and
choices you don't understand,

still...

You still haven't left.

You know, I...

I think I get mad at you

'cause I can.

'Cause you're here.

Would you just look
at all the money

these homos spend
on decorations?

It's like they're
being paid per sin.

I love you, Nana.

Appreciate you saying that.

Shania, tonight was awesome.

We're gonna do this all the
time when you're back in Ohio.

But you know trick-or-treating
is just one night a year, right?

The rest of the time, there's
lots of important stuff to do.

Like what?

Pay bills, make breakfast
and pack nut-free lunches.

Do homework with me,

cuddle me in every night,
just like mom does.

Can you do all that?

'Course. I'm your dad.

I love you.

I know you do.

I mean, you're fighting mom
for custody.

That means a lot to me,
but the thing is,

you've never really been a dad.

You've always been more
like a friend.

Yeah. A best friend.

But sometimes
I need more than a friend.

I need a dad.
A dad, dad.

I want be a good dad...
But I don't know how.

I mean, I was only 15
when I met you, Shania.

I cannot believe

this is our last Halloween
before we have a kid.

After this, it's all going
to be about him or her.

Still a little bit about me. It's
amazing how kids change you.

I mean, back in med school,
every year.

Ian's costume was
the same... tired Jew.

(Muffled laugh) This
year, he was a fairy.

Well, if this is our last year

picking our own
Halloween costumes,

seems like it'd be a shame
to let Tom Brady go to waste.

You know, Tom Brady
is a quarterback,

and you can get a flag
for roughing the passer.

I have no idea what
you're talking about,

but I like the way
you're saying it.

(Knocking)

What happened?

An earthquake.

You can't always feel 'em.

When you get a sec,
can you come downstairs?

What's going on?

I'm not good
at a lot of things.

No kidding. And even
though I want to be,

I know I haven't been
a real good dad to Shania.

You know, if-if being

a better dad means doing
what's right for your kid, then,

the right thing for Shania

is to be here in L.A.

With her ma.

So I'm dropping
the custody case.

Holy hell!

I love you, Shania.

And I want to be a better dad.

You just did
what a dad-dad would do.

Thank you.

Clay: And since I'm in
California, guess what?

I'm an actor now!

(Whoops)

I think he's
actually too smart.

Could somebody please
give me a valium?

Why don't you come with
me to west Hollywood?

If they think we're drag
queens, we drink for free.

Oh. Well.

I think I would rather be drunk
with those freaks

than sober with these.

Hmm.

Bye, Thelma.
Bye, Louise.

Come on, everybody,
grab a seat.

Spooky movie time!

Dad, would you mind
sitting next to me?

This movie's

pretty scary.

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Since when are you
afraid of scary movies?

Oh, I'm not,
but my dad gets bad dreams.

(Knocking)

Hi...

Hey, we just wanted to thank you

for being the house that
passes out fruit on Halloween.

Yes. It's what
every eight-year-old

trick-or-treater is hoping for.

Their full daily allowance
of vitamin C.

Yeah, I was just disappointed
it wasn't baby carrots.

Or throat lozenges.

Or flu shots.

I think we made our point.

Let's go find that house

where they're passing
out the pencil erasers.

Go deep, Bry! Go deep!

Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com

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