All language subtitles for The New Normal s01e17 Bye Baby.eng

You want to throw us
a baby shower.

A straight up, hard core,
dump your presents

at the door, drink
too much chardonnay

and force an entire piece
of cake down your mouth,

God-dang baby shower.

(Laughs):
Oh...

What do you think, Bryan?

So it's settled,
if anyone tries to force

a baby shower on us, we say no.

Some obligatory function
where ladies coo

over knitted doodads.

I'd rather go to

a Terence Trent D'Arby
fan convention.

Do you think they have those?

Showers are so pointless.

First of all, we are blessed
that we don't need anything.

Second of all, we're both men.

Blessed in that department, too.
Mm-hmm.

The truth be told, I just don't
want to open gifts at a shower.

I think a shower sounds

refreshing.

Rocky put me in charge of
coming up with a theme.

So while reading
the warhol diaries,

I settled for the early
'80s New York art scene.

Goldie: Aw, honey, you're
doing such a great job.

I only wish you'd been
there to plan my shower.

(TV playing indistinctly)

Aw, these pictures of Reese
Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe's

baby shower are adorable.

Sure would love one.

Oh, if you're going to the
fridge, I'd love one, too.

I've gone ahead
and reserved a venue,

hired a photographer,

and curtained off an area

where you can eat deviled eggs

in private without David

lecturing you about
your cholesterol.

They call them "deviled"
for a reason.

Rocky, I have to say,
you are showing

what some might say

is an inappropriate level
of passion for this event.

Well, this is not my first time.

Always the showerer,
never the show-ee.

(David sighs)

I guess we're having
a baby shower.

(All whooping)

One condition though.

No gifts.

Oh, of course.
No gifts.

All right, thanks, guys.

Right.

There damn well better be gifts.

I want to get my "aww" on.

Aww.
Aww.

(Both laugh)

Today's baby gifts.

Whoa, whoa, what are all those?

Well, this is from the sneaker
company that sponsors sing!

They sent over four pairs

of their new infant
smart shoe that tracks

the stride and velocity
of baby's first steps.

Oh, my God, we haven't
even had the shower yet

and we're barraged with gifts.

We're never gonna use
any of this crap.

I mean, look at this three-piece
suit that my mom sent.

What does she think... we're
giving birth to a little

toluca lake financial planner
who cheats on his wife?

Rocky:
You both are so ungrateful.

Rocky, this room is so packed,

I couldn't even see you back
there... what are you doing?

Hooking up speakers to this
Teddy bear mp3 player

the crew got you,
and how dare you

talk trash about
your mom's generosity?

Rocky, in all fairness, we told
people to not send gifts

and they keep sending them.

People love buying baby gifts

when they don't have a baby
of their own to buy them for.

(Groans)

I can't believe that
we are the bad guys

because we don't want
people wasting their money

on stuff that we don't want
and our baby doesn't need.

We got to cancel that shower.

Oh, no, no, no, no...
Shania will be

way too disappointed.

And Rocky'll end up
back in rehab.

I don't want to be
the cause of that.

Again.

Oh, my God,
I know what we should do.

Okay, we have the shower.

People can't help themselves

from bringing gifts.

Smile, say thank you.

And then we sneak out with all
the presents and we donate them.

David, you should grow
a mustache

and twirl it between
your fingers.

Because you are an evil
charitable genius.

So, Mr. censor man,

you're telling me that on
network television

you can say the word "ass"
and you can say the word "hole,"

but you can't say...

Okay, calm down.

Nice talking to you, too.

Ass.

Hole.

What's up, Jane?

I need to buy
the boys a baby gift

and I can't think
of a thing that child needs

outside of an actual mother.

The official answer I've been
instructed to give is...

I know, no gifts.

But you and I both know
that all that means is

please spend twice
as much as you planned.

Well, that's in Ohio.

But in L.A.
it's 20 times as much.

I haven't sold a house yet
and I'm short on cash.

Jane, I wasn't always
the successful producer

you see towering above you
in skyscraper heels.

When I first met Bryan,

I had not fully
realized my potential.

I recognize you.

I mean, not from this
angle... your face.

You're Bryan Collins.

I've seen you
in Hollywood reporter

and from that gossip
site when you were

secretly dating Ricky Martin.

Perez Hilton drew
a penis on your face.

Well, you're certainly
well-informed.

And ambitious.

I'm not gonna work
in wax forever.

I want the whole package.

No, no, no, not that package.

I want the big career.

I want a man and a child.

Listen, hire me

and I'll do anything.

I'll work from the bottom up.

(Ripping) (Yells)

When you buy someone
a baby gift,

you have to buy in equal
proportions as to how much

you feel they have given you.

Now Bryan and David
have given me a lot.

How about you?

Fine, but let's go halfsies.

I am so tired of poor white
people wanting handouts

from hard-working
black folks like me.

But sure why not?

Together we can afford
something special.

Jane:
A baby Mercedes.

Who would buy such
a stupid thing?

Harper Beckham has two.

Okay, please,
just keep clicking.

Oh, that little
bear suit is cute.

Bear suit?

That's a mink onesie.

Ooh, look at that price tag.

Do you know how
many tins of hams

I could send to my dad
for that money?

Remember what you said about
what the boys have given us.

Okay, you're right, all right.

Let's buy it.

I just hope some
little tree-hugger

in a hemp diaper
doesn't come along

and splash red finger paint
all over it.

Hi, Nana, have a pacifier.

It's coated
with pixie stick dust.

Pass.

What the hell kind
of shower is this anyway?

A fabulous one.

Oh, and check out
my installation.

Okay.

Oh, Clay, how nice
of you to show.

Well, I figured Goldie
could use someone else

normal here to support her.

Right, exactly the way
you supported her

when you two were
still married.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh.

I am so sorry, Rocky.

No children, no children.

I know the invitation
said "no kids," but

my babysitter bailed on me

in a text followed
by another text

saying, "did you get the weed?"

Immediately followed
by a third text saying,

"oh, I'm so sorry, oops,
that wasn't meant for you."

Here, let me babysit while
you go and put some makeup on.

Why?

I put makeup on in the car.

Just do it... you look a mess.

(Sighs)

(Whispering):
Hey, aren't you pretty?

Hey.

All right, all right.

Everyone gather around.

It's time to open presents, yay!

Aw.

Let's do it.

David: Group hug.
Bryan: Thank you so much.

Mom?

Is this weird for you?

You know, since you're
the one having the baby

but the shower's
not really for you?

Oh, not at all.

I love that I get
to provide so much joy

and happiness
to Bryan and David.

And besides,
when you were born,

Nana got me a bus pass, so...

...that was pretty neat.

Come on.

This one is from Megan and Ian.

Guys.

It's a...

French claw-foot baby bathtub.

Aww. Aww. We were just talking

about this the other day.
We were?

We were.

We were.

A swarovski crystal-studded

potty training seat?

It's perfect.

David:
From Jonathan and James.

You guys.

A custom bassinet

made from new Guinea walnut.

That's an endangered wood.

Thank you.
Way to go.

Bryan: That's awesome.
David: Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Rocky.

It's a mink onesie.

Aw, from Rocky and Jane.

It's perfect.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Rocky.

Oh, David, couldn't
we just keep this one?

I mean, he could be...
He could be bamm-bamm

from the flintstones
for Halloween.

Baby caveman.

It'll be adorable.

Bryan: We have had such
a fantastic time today.

We really would love to thank

Shania for coming up
with those whole concept.

And also to Rocky

for pulling this
whole thing together.

Rocky, this is as
much our baby shower

as it is yours.

Yes, we will
cherish these gifts

for the rest of our days.

David:
Thank you, okay.

All right.

Um...
See anyone?

Yeah, can I help you?

Hi, I'm Bryan, this is David.

Um, the thing is

we got all these gifts
at our baby shower,

and we already have so much,
so we were thinking... Got it.

A couple of rich dudes came here
to drop off some guilt, great.

What? No, we actually were just
looking for a way to give back,

you know, help the kids.
And what kid wouldn't love

a fur onesie with platinum
crotch snaps, huh?

(Both laugh)

It seems impractical, but
it's actually quite versatile.

And reversible.
It is.

Okay, well if Kanye and Kim

decide to give up
their kids for adoption,

this should be perfect.

Look, I'm sorry.

Really, I had three kids lose
their placement today.

We appreciate
your donation, really.

Let me just grab you a receipt.

For your tax write-off.

That's not why we're here.
Sir? Sir?

Where's...
My shoes came untied.

Do them.

You do them, Malcolm,
you know how.

The hell I do, bitch.
Hey.

What are you gonna do,
tell my parents?

Malcolm... I'm sorry.

Are you being helped?

Uh, yes the other
gentlemen was just making

us feel awful about ourselves.

Oh, you met Gerald.

Susie!

What does the state
pay you to do?

Tie my damn shoes.

(Laughs) Oh, Malcolm.

Um...

Hi, would you just mind holding

little Nikki here
for just a second?

Oh, no, of course, of course.

Hi, oh! Hi.

Well, hello, Nikki.

Oh.
Oh, aren't you beautiful?

An angel. Susie: Yeah, she is.

Poor thing. We're looking
for a new home for her now.

A little angel without a home.

David, I think we can do
better than just dropping off

a truckload full of stuff.

If y'all looking to foster,

you should know I don't judge
nobody's lifestyle.

What kind of car y'all drive?

No, David, I'm not
saying that we should.

I'm just saying what if...

We adopted that little girl?

Right, but we talked
about adoption.

Don't you remember
your Brangelina flowchart

with the arrows and Billy Bob
and Timothy hutton?

It was a thing of beauty.
It was.

And we decided not to do that.

Right, because we want
a biological connection

to our child.

Yeah, but, David,
look around...

we have so much to offer.
(Sighs)

We have three cinnamons in the
spice cabinet. (Chuckles)

Our child will be here
in two months.

Are you starting to regret
that we chose surrogacy?

No. No, no, no.

I can't wait for
our baby to come.

I just can't stop thinking
about that little girl, Nikki.

Oh, my God,
she was so beautiful!

I just wanted to bundle her up
and take her home with us.

Then why don't we?

What, just walk in there,
point her out and say,

"we'll take that one, please"?

No, I realize

we're not picking out
a lobster for dinner.

There's obviously gonna
be forms

and evaluations,
feats of strength,

a screen tests,
a chemistry read.

But when it's all over,

our son will have a big sister
to love and protect.

And teach him double Dutch.

And we will be giving
two loving parents to someone

who really, really needs them.

Double Dutch.

(Snickers) Oh, you.

A chinchilla baby bib?

It goes with the mink onesie
we gave you.

We forgot to give it
to you at the party.

And animals were definitely
harmed in the making of this.

I'm sorry.
We gave the onesie away.

In fact, all the gifts
we got at the shower

we donated to the Walker house.

You gave away our gift?

David and I so appreciate
the sentiment. In fact,

you will both be getting
personalized thank you notes.

Uh, off subject, Rocky,
could you please have the sing!

Writers crank out some
thank you notes tomorrow?

David and I have so much,
we just felt like we should

share with those
who need it more.

But we chose that gift for you.

We put in a lot of time
and thought.

Screw time and thought.
We put in cash!

And who the hell do you
think you are

to tell me where
my charity should go?

If I want to give,
I will contribute

to the leave-a-penny, take-a-penny
foundation at my local 7-Eleven.

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

We're just trying to do
what we think is right.

Although this is really nice.

This is horse crap!
I want my money back.

Now what are we gonna do?

We're gonna go down
to that Walker house

and take back that onesie.

And we are doing it
Rocky style.

(Tapping bell)

Good afternoon.

I'm Rocky Rhoades,

and this is my associate
Jane Forrest.

An item was mistakenly
donated that belongs to us,

and we're here to get it back.

I'm sorry, ma'am,

you can't just come in here
and take things.

Why don't you just let me speak
to your supervisor,

who I assume will listen
to reason because he is a man.

Susie:
There are two crazy women

who are talking about
someone's donation

that wasn't really a donation
they'd like back.

Susie:
I don't know.

(Cries out)

(Talks indistinctly)

What you here for, baby?

Excuse me?

Oh, buzz off, kid.

You looking to adopt
a charming child

who is a little lazy
about wiping?

That is no way to
talk to your elders.

And one of us is a little bit
more elderly than the other.

(Clears throat) Sit down!

Malcolm, leave
these ladies alone.

The old white lady
touched my junk!

Hey!
Nah, I'm just playing.

I really got a lot
of people in trouble with that.

You looking for the onesie?

Yes.

The donations from yesterday
are in the stroller.

Hope you feel good
about taking from charity.

Oh, please.
I give to charity every week.

It's called medicare.

Can I hold her?
Sure.

Hi.

Hi.

Aren't you the
cutest little thing?

Got it!
Found what I was looking for.

I think I did, too.
(Chuckles)

Yeah, yeah. Here we go again.

They always fall
for the damn baby.

Clay:
All right, Shania.

This is your lucky day.

Not only does your dad get
to babysat you,

he... and I mean, me... is making
you his, slash, my specialty:

American chop suey.

Now, it's mostly
a Chinese dish,

but the hot dog chunks

and make it American.

Can I get chopsticks
and a fork, please?

Hey, you're okay with the
whole baby shower thing, right?

What do you mean?

You know, I know you put a lot
of work into it,

and your mom told me about

Bryan and David giving
all their gifts away.

You're not sad, are you?

Are you kidding?
I'm proud of Bryan and David.

In fact, I hope
that in some small way,

they were influenced
by my theme.

You know that attacking
consumerism was the whole point

of Warhol's work, right?

I thought it was just about
drugs and soup.

That too. Mom looked
a little sad, though.

I guess it's kind of weird
that this is her second baby,

but she's never even had
a baby shower.

Can I get some soya sauce
and ketchup please?

Yes.

Oh, look, it's the fur-onesies.

I know you say that

to hurt our feelings,
but we kind of like it.

Oh, listen, Gerald, what you
said yesterday really moved us.

So we came back because we would
like to see Nikki again.

We would like to be
her foster parents.

Guys, this isn't like the pound.

You can't just come in here
and take home a kid.

There is a long
involved process

to becoming a foster parent.

We're not idiots, all right?
We're understand that there are

forms and home visits
and that it takes a lot of time.

So we would simply like
to place Nikki on hold.

Wow, I'm impressed.
But the good news is.

Nikki's already found placement.

Oh. Uh, thank goodness.

We just, we just would
like her to have

a couple of
really nice parents.

Well, she found one.

(Humming)

David: Oh, Rocky, she's
absolutely beautiful.

Oh, thank you so much.

But if you need to be that
close to my baby, pop a mint.

Rocky, we had no idea you wanted
to be a foster parent.

Well, I've been thinking
about it for a while.

Taking classes and
filling out applications

all with the hope of
one day being a mom.

I just can't believe
you never told us.

Well, to be honest,
I was afraid.

Bryan, I didn't want you
to think

that I wasn't putting
my career first.

Oh, Rocky, no,
I am thrilled for you.

And think of how
exciting this is gonna be;

Our kids are
gonna grow up together.

Now you kids finish
your homework.

And then we can watch the
premiere of season 23 of sing!

Okay, dad.
Thanks, mom.

We just want you to know

that if you ever need any help,

we are here for you.
Absolutely.

You know what? I'm gonna build
a nursery on the set

so you can do your work and see
Nikki whenever you want.

You got it, Rocky.
The whole package.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I'm gonna get Nikki home

and put her to bed and watch her
sleep all night.

I'll be late in the morning.

So nothing's changed.

You know, there were
a lot of other

sweet kids there that
needed good homes.

And then there's
also that Malcolm.

Both:
Surprise!

Gosh, what is all this?

Wait. Did you use
all the paper towels?

It's a little late, but we're
giving you a Goldie shower.

Or we could just call it a shower.
Yeah.

You didn't get one this time,

'cause it's not really
your baby,

and you didn't get one last time
when you were pregnant with me.

Shania, this is amazing.

Thank you.

Actually,
it was all dad's idea.

Except the black sesame rice
crackers and garlic hummus,

'cause I was in the mood
for them.

P.S. Those are mine,
don't eat them.

I'm sorry I didn't get you
a gift, but I figured

you got the best one in
the world right here.

This is so sweet.

If I hadn't already
cried four times today

over a cat commercial,
I'd be sobbing.

(Whimpers)

Oh, my God, there's more!

Oh, good, Gerald,
you're still here.

Uh, we decided we would like
to foster a child and we want

to make sure you get
the commission.

We want Malcolm.

Malcolm?
Malcolm's my son.

What?
Malcolm!

What did you tell these guys?!

No matter what my dad says,

if you got a latina housekeeper

with a donkey bootie,
I'm available.

Okay, so Malcolm's out.

Doing a great job
with him, by the way.

Look, there's got to be some kid
here we can make

a deep personal connection with.

Look, please slow down, guys.
I get you want to help.

You're obviously really excited
about being parents.

But why don't you wait
until your baby comes

and enjoy being dads?

Then we can talk about adding
another kid

to your family, you know?

There's got to be something

we can do right now
to help these kids.

Hell, yeah, make me a peanut
butter sandwich, gay.

People say it's better
to give than to receive.

Me? I love to receive.

Just ask my ex-boyfriend
Darnell.

It's just the things
that I've wanted

to receive lately have changed.

They don't come wrapped
in fancy boxes.

In fact, the best gifts are
messy, loud

and sometimes stink like hell.

You ask me, I think the folks

who give the most
are damned greedy pigs.

'Cause they always end up
receiving the most.

Well, that's me, I'm greedy.

Because in giving,
I got it all.

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