Original subtitles

No one gives you a handbook on how to be a parent.

You just arrive home one day with a tiny, lovable blob

and figure it out on your own. (Whimpering)

Oh, oh, oh. (Gasps)

Oh, who's the baby? Who's there?

Pets, like our little Harvey Milkbone,

are training wheels for raising a baby. (Chew toy squeaking)

They give you a glimpse into what your life will be like

with an infant. Oh!

You got him a present.

Like other parents,

we watched our new baby, riveted

for hours, while he played in his crib.

(Barking)

(Whining)

(Barking)

We struggled through sleepless nights.

(Harvey whining)

(Angry muttering)

And we nearly exploded with joy

when he uttered his very first word.

(Barks) (Gasps)

Was that "daddy"?

I heard "papa." Oh.

I heard "crazy gay men." (Barks)

And after months of poop and tears

and countless chewed-up, hand-cobed Italian Oxfords,

we achieved the sweetest reward any parent can ever hope for:

A full night's sleep.

(Whining)

Both: Your turn.

(David groans) Well...

Almost a full night's sleep.

Becoming doggy daddies taught us

how to love something outside ourselves,

and isn't that what true parenting is all about?

Okay.

Smelly, how about you, you want any of this?

(Barks) No? All right.

(Knocking) Ah, come in, Ms. Clemmons.

Just listening to a sixth grader's

confiscated iPod. That's how assistant principals stay hip.

(Chuckles) Somebody's gonna learn how to Dougie.

Ooh. (Chuckles) I'm sorry I'm late.

I was waiting on my ex-husband, but

he didn't show, which isn't a surprise to me or to the judge

who gave me full custody of Shania.

Uh, I'm oversharing. I overshare when I'm hot and...

It's hot. Do you smell pita chips?

No.

No? My pregnancy hormones

are giving me a super strong sense of smell,

amongst some other crazy feelings.

Don't ever get pregnant.

Can I offer you some water?

Mmm. Yes, please.

(Upbeat music begins playing)

(Water pouring)

Let's get sexy in here, in here

let's, let's, let's let's get sexy in here

ah, I know you feel it

sex, sex, sex, sexy

sex, sex, sex, sexy

you're making me feel

sex, sex, sex, sexy

I've had some complaints about... Shania.

Who cares?

Feel, ah, feel, ah.

(Music stops)

I'm sorry. Uh...

(Chuckles) What did she do?

Well, apparently she has

an unusual fixation with a British actress

from the Harry Potter movies.

Her name is, uh,

Maggie Smith?

Yeah.

Wingardium leviosa.

Girl, I am a Christian woman. I cannot abide your witchcraft.

Muggle.

What the hell did you just call me?!

Shania has been doing her Maggie Smith impression for months.

She loves her. Says she's the greatest...

...actress of her generation. Maybe of all time.

My favorite thing about her is that she always plays

the same role: Snooty British lady.

Watching dame Maggie Smith is very reassuring.

It's like no matter which country

you eat McDonald's fries in,

they taste exactly the same.

I know it's a little strange, but no harm, no foul, right?

Mm. Well, today, things went afoul.

By the turn of the century in england,

the working class grew increasingly hostile

toward the oppressive nature of the British aristocracy.

(British accent): I beg your pardon, you hobbledy-hoy!

Shania, you need to have a seat.

You will address me as Lady Grantham of Downton Abbey,

or better yet, not at all.

And I will not sit on these vulgar middle-class chairs

designed as an insult to one's coccyx.

Now, who's joining me for high tea?

Shania's disrupting class,

and there will be serious consequences

if it happens again.

I am so sorry. I'll make sure it doesn't.

Great. Hey, more water?

(Music resumes playing)

Sex, sex, sex, sexy, you're making me feel, ah. Sawyer on the 18th hole, pebble beach.

Wind strong to the west.

David?! Oh, come on! I hooked it.

Hit some guy in the gallery.

Uhp, he's dead. What's up, Bry?

Something's wrong with Harvey. Please call 911.

Oh, you mean 911 for dogs, with the little doggy operator?

I can tell by your tone there is no such thing.

He threw up on the bath mat.

So? Dogs do that. Don't you, boy? Yes.

And then sometimes you eat it afterwards.

We're not talking

about Courtney love. We're talking about our puppy.

We have to take him to the vet today.

(Groans) Please take him to the vet.

I will make it worth your while. I will do anything you want.

Really? Yeah.

Anything? Yeah.

Okay, I want you to watch the hobbit with me. Oh, why?!

And I don't want you to check your phone

and I want no long anecdotes about how Ian McKellan

came on to you at the car wash.

But that really happened. Oh, God.

We both reached for the same pi?a colada-scented air freshener.

Okay, please stop. I'll do it.

He was such a good kisser.

Goldie: First of all, you will have no screen time or TV for a week.

Especially this downtown Abby or whatever her name is.

(British accent): The name... and you'd be wise not to forget it...

is countess Violet Crawley.

And your threats of punishment are as empty as your dowry,

judging by your absurdly thick knuckles.

What? You...!

(Knocking) Shania...

Oh, hey, Clay! What's up?!

You're only, what, four hours late

for the parent-teacher conference?

That's almost on time for you.

Come on, Goldie, I'm late 'cause I was at the gym.

I despise everything late.

From payments to trains to the late Charles dickens.

Always writing about the wretched poor.

Monkey, why are you pretending to be Sharon Osbourne?

How dare you! I'm the dowager countess,

you lowly son of a laundry maid!

This is why she got in trouble.

But don't worry. I'll take care of it, like everything else.

No. Don't ever disrespect me or your mother again.

And lose the costume.

I hate the British.

Clay, it's okay if she wears...

No, it's not okay.

It's a bigger thing.

She's trying to escape reality

'cause reality hurts

when the whole family isn't together.

Shania, I just want you to be you, 'cause you're awesome.

But if you have to pretend to be someone else,

at least have it be an American, all right?

Be, uh, be Taylor swift.

Oh, I like that!

Oh, no! I've been dumped again!

I'll write a song about it, ignoring the fact

that I'm the common denominator in all my failed relationships!

Yeah.

Clay, how'd you like to stay for dinner?

I'd love that.

Hmm.

Our two hearts are like one super big heart.

Flynn, are you crying?

He's not crying!

Cut! (Bell rings)

This is so frustrating.

It's the second take and he's still not getting it.

I need him to weep.

(Phone buzzes)

Oh.

Hey, David, honey, I can't talk right now.

We're right in the middle of a scene.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down, slow down.

What happened to Harvey?

Oh, there's my little baby.

Are you okay? Did they do a blood panel?

They don't always do that.

You have to ask for that, you know.

Has the vet been in here yet? Why did they feed him a banana?

Okay, relax. We saw the vet.

They drew blood. She did a full abdominal X-ray.

And I ate the banana.

Okay, right off the bat, I'd just like to say

I will not be looking at any more Christmas photos

of pets wearing reindeer antlers.

David, you show her those?

That being said, let's check out the x-rays.

Okay.

Did the blood panel come back yet?

It did. But that's not what I'm worried about.

This is your dog's stomach.

As you can see, Harvey's abdomen is very distended.

Now, we can't tell for sure, but it might be starting

to twist around the digestive tract.

I'd like to decompress the stomach,

and then operate immediately.

Whatever you need to do, doctor.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I don't want you to just cut into him.

Bloat is very serious.

Yes, but it might not be bloat.

I mean, you just said the x-rays were inconclusive.

Couldn't we just give him

some medication, maybe reduce the gas?

Look, I've got a cat with six pennies in

it's gut and a labradoodle on suicide watch after

I snip-snipped the only balls he didn't chew.

You two figure out what you want to do.

Let me know what you decide.

Of course. Thank you, doctor.

David, I don't want to just cut into him.

Well, if we don't, it could get serious very fast.

No, David, we're gonna give him some medicine,

we're gonna let him relax, and then we're gonna take another X-ray.

And, Harvey, honey, when you're back there,

please promise me you will not speak to that labradoodle,

because you do not need that kind of negativity in your life right now.

(Door closes)

She's fast asleep.

Aw. What did you read to her?

Oh, no, she read to me.

Some book about the future called 1984.

Which is weird, 'cause you and me,

we weren't even born then.

No.

Hey, you okay?

Oh, yeah. Just a little kink.

I was driving yesterday

and rubbernecked to stare at a barefoot hooker.

Scooch.

(Music begins playing)

Let's get sexy in here, in here

that's how you make me feel

ah... ah, I know you feel it

sex, sex, sex, sexy, that's how you make me feel

sex, sex, sex, sexy, you're making me feel Okay, now tell that baby to scooch.

I'm coming in.

Sex, sex, sex, sexy, you're making me feel

feel, ah, feel, ah.

Hey Bry, I lost 2 pounds.

That's 14 in dog pounds.

That's not how that works.

We didn't wait here all night

so we could mess around with a scale.

We're here to make sure our baby gets the treatment he needs.

Excuse me. It's-it's been ten minutes.

Could you give my dog the medicine, please?

Mr. Collins, we're going to.

Oh, good. Go ahead.

In just a few minutes.

Well-well, please, it's-it's been ten minutes.

It's-it's been ten minutes.

I-I don't, I don't know why he has to have this pain.

Sir, he's not my patient.

It's-it's time for his medicine, do you understand?!

Do something.

All he had to do was hold out for ten minutes,

and it's been ten minutes!

My dog is in pain! My dog is in pain!

Give him the medicine, do you understand?!

Give my dog the medicine!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

That's good.

Now let's do another scene from terms of endearment.

Ooh, how about the one where Shirley MacLaine rides

in the corvette with Jack Nicholson?

You joke, but I could.

(Goldie sobbing)

Clay,

wake up.

Mm-hmm. Something's wrong.

I have cramps

and pains.

I think I have to call Bryan and David.

Okay... okay. Oh, my God, what am I going to do?

Hey, hey, ev-everything's gonna be good, all right?

I'm right here.

I'm scared.

Okay.

Uh,

we'll drop Shania off at Nana's

on the way to the hospital.

I'm gonna take care of you, baby, all right?

Mm-hmm. Come on, come on.

(Groans)

Take it slow. (Grunts)

(Meows)

What's wrong with your kitty?

He's not mine.

He ate my mouse and I want the body back.

Closure. (Yowls)

(Bird squawks)

Hello. What's going on with him?

He hasn't been eating.

Something's got him agitated.

Who's your daddy?

Pound that butt.

Take it all. Fill me up.

Also there are some language issues.

Hey.

You can call off the candlelight vigil.

Your pooch is fine. Thank God.

He had excessive air in his gi tract.

So, gas? Yup.

We're gonna keep him overnight,

make sure the swelling goes down.

He'll be good to go in the morning.

Thank you.

Mr. Lecompte, we're ready for your cat.

(Yowls)

I can't believe I was going to let them do that surgery.

Oh, honey, you just wanted Harvey to be better.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay, I reacted too fast.

What, what if that was our son?

David, I could have just as easily been wrong.

I knew that I wasn't.

(Phone chimes)

Oh... oh.

This is Dr. Sawyer.

What?

Oh, my God.

Okay, we'll be right there.

It's Goldie; She's in the hospital.

Goldie, Goldie,

are you all right? Bryan: How's the baby?

What did the doctor say?

I don't know, they're running some tests.

Okay. Guys, I'm so scared.

I was having cramps and pains.

David: Okay, let's just wait to hear what the doctor

has to say, okay? This could be any number of things.

It's my fault.

Me and Goldie... we, uh,

we kind of,

you know, we...

We had sex.

And if I broke your baby,

I promise I'm gonna make you guys a new one.

Goldie: It's no one's fault, and Clay's been great.

He's been with me the whole time.

Doctor: Okay, it's good news.

Looks like it's just a case of Braxton Hicks.

(Sighs) Unless that is a duet between grammy sensation Toni

and fifth season American idol winner Taylor,

I am unfamiliar.

David: It's very normal

in pregnancy,

and although I'm sure it was

scary for you, Goldie,

it just means that the uterus is getting ready to push.

Okay.

But Goldie can't push yet. The baby

is only 29 weeks... he's not ready.

Your baby's fine.

Rest of the pregnancy should be uneventful.

(Chuckles)

Bryan: I don't know what

I would have done if something happened to our baby.

That was the scariest moment of my life,

next to seeing my mom get out of the bathtub.

(Phone buzzing)

What? Oh, it's the vet.

Oh, get it. Bryan Collins.

I'm sorry, what, now?

David.

Yeah.

Harvey Milkbone died.

Harvey.

I just don't get it, Bry.

He was up, he was walking around, and then a car hits him?

They take him out for a walk, he gets loose,

and a car hits him.

It just doesn't... I-I just can't...

Honey, we can't keep going

over and over this, trying to make sense of it.

It was just a random, freakish thing.

(Sighs)

I just can't help thinking,

if we'd brought him home last night, he'd still be here.

Yeah, but we don't know what would have happened.

Isn't that the first thing

they teach you in medical school...

that you can do all the right things,

but sometimes patients just die?

Yeah, but it still hurts.

I know.

It's just...

I had this whole picture in my mind

of me and our boy

playing ball in the park with Harvey Milkbone.

(Voice breaking): And now our boy's never gonna know Harvey.

Oh, honey.

This can never happen to our kid, okay?

I mean it.

I-I just can't go through that, I can't.

(Knocking)

(Door opens)

Shania's here with Goldie and Clay,

and she has something she wants to say to you.

Rocky: Come on.

Hey. How you feeling?

Much better. Good.

We told Shania

what happened, and she wanted to come over

right away to cheer you guys up.

Oh...

(British accent): Hello.

I bring the lord's thoughts and prayers

to you in this time of need.

Clay: You know,

she almost got kicked out of school

for dressing up like this Maggie Smith lady.

But seeing as your dog got totally creamed,

I made an exception for you guys.

Bryan: Oh, my God,

you're the mother superior

from sister act.

Or sister act 2: Back in the habit.

My dear boys,

loss is never easy.

But have faith.

The light of the angels shines

brightly upon Harvey Milkbone.

(Laughs)

You shall carry him

in your hearts forever.

Amen. Come here.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, hey, Bryan. Great to see you.

Hi, father. Wait, you can see me?

Just the poofy part of your hair.

Oh. You should also know

this confession's being recorded

for quality assurance purposes.

My puppy died.

Oh, boy.

And I know you're gonna say

he'll always be in my heart.

But I don't want him in my heart.

No, you want him in your lap,

licking your face.

What kind of God

lets a nine-month-old puppy get killed?

Are you mad at God, Bryan?

Hells yes, I'm mad at God. Well, then, tell him.

He's a big boy,

he can take it.

Why are you mad?

Well, because he allows

such incredible suffering in the world.

Look...

I don't want to trivialize

the pain of your dog's death.

But the apostle Paul?

He suffered through beatings, stonings,

shipwrecks, imprisonments,

homelessness,

and all of that without wi-fi.

It sounds like you're trivializing it.

(Sighs)

I'm just saying...

Without suffering,

joy and happiness become commonplace.

Like it or not, suffering and loss

are what teach us to appreciate life's blessings.

I'm scared, father.

(Sniffles)

I love Harvey.

I, uh...

I loved him very much.

And losing him hurts.

What if, next, God wanted to take my baby?

Or David?

Or... Goldie, or Shania,

or anybody that I love?

Wow.

Just listen to the list of people God has put in your life.

All of them here to help you

through a time like this.

Look, Bryan.

The pain that you're feeling now,

as horrible as it is,

will eventually

be replaced by moments of great joy.

Like the arrival

of your baby. (Exhales)

Of course, someday

he, too, will bring you pain.

Come see me when he's a teenager,

and knocks up some professional hula-hooper

he just met at burning man.

(Laughs)

(Sniffles)

So you're saying we can't open ourselves up to love

without opening ourselves up to pain?

You got it, kid.

Joy and pain,

sunshine and rain.

I'll miss him, father.

Do you think we could, uh...

We could say a prayer for him,

wherever he is, that he's okay?

Of course.

(Sighs)

Mom, I'll be in my room

binge-watching Downton season one.

Okay.

Aren't you, uh...

Coming in?

Goldie...

I've been a bad guy.

I lied,

and I cheated,

and... (Sighs)

I caused you tons of pain.

But when I saw you

hurting last night, it made me realize that

if anything ever happened to you...

I'd feel like my life was over.

I'm gonna make up

for all the bad things I did to you.

You don't have to believe me yet, just watch.

David: Love isn't always easy.

Sometimes it can really throw you for a loop.

The minute you start to love something,

you accept the risk that someday

it might not be there.

But with the sadness of lost love,

it's important to treasure all the wonderful memories

you shared together.

We had hoped that our puppy

would be like training wheels

for raising a baby, and he was.

But he also taught us about love.

How exciting it could be,

and how heartbreaking.

So now, the training wheels

have come off, and we're still pretty wobbly.

But the truth is,

despite the bumps in the road,

I think we're a lot more prepared

to handle the ride.

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