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1
00:00:01,405 --> 00:00:02,985
Well, Millenia,
everything looks great,
2
00:00:03,015 --> 00:00:04,933
and the nanny agency
certainly loves you.
3
00:00:04,967 --> 00:00:07,001
We just have
a couple more questions for you.
4
00:00:07,019 --> 00:00:08,002
Tiny things.
5
00:00:08,020 --> 00:00:09,437
Can you list
the systematic differences
6
00:00:09,472 --> 00:00:12,107
between the common
cold and sinusitis?
7
00:00:12,141 --> 00:00:15,110
And please give me both Western
and naturopathic responses.
8
00:00:15,144 --> 00:00:17,729
Bryan: The Internet has both helped
and hurt man's development. Discuss.
9
00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:19,314
David:
Muppets or puppets?
10
00:00:19,348 --> 00:00:21,783
And if you'll please,
Ernie or Bert?
11
00:00:21,817 --> 00:00:22,734
Our child's hungry,
12
00:00:22,785 --> 00:00:23,868
but there's only Swiss chard,
13
00:00:23,903 --> 00:00:25,453
a can of sardines,
and marshmallows in the house.
14
00:00:25,488 --> 00:00:26,988
What do you make?
15
00:00:27,022 --> 00:00:28,123
It's Ernie.
16
00:00:28,157 --> 00:00:30,825
(Stopwatch ticking)
17
00:00:30,859 --> 00:00:33,411
Bryan:
Time.
18
00:00:33,462 --> 00:00:35,080
Thank you for coming.
19
00:00:35,131 --> 00:00:36,864
Our son hurts himself...
20
00:00:36,882 --> 00:00:38,717
nothing serious,
just a skinned knee...
21
00:00:38,751 --> 00:00:41,269
but in that moment, the shock
of the pain terrifies him.
22
00:00:41,304 --> 00:00:43,505
The world seems
chaotic and cruel.
23
00:00:43,539 --> 00:00:45,840
He needs a source
of total love and protection,
24
00:00:45,874 --> 00:00:48,343
and as his big teary eyes
look up at you,
25
00:00:48,377 --> 00:00:49,344
what do you do?
26
00:00:49,378 --> 00:00:51,663
I put butter on it?
27
00:00:51,697 --> 00:00:53,932
Thank you for coming.
28
00:00:53,980 --> 00:00:56,866
29
00:00:56,986 --> 00:00:59,053
Well, that was depressing.
30
00:00:59,071 --> 00:01:02,490
11 prospective nannies and not
one of them makes the cut.
31
00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:04,892
I know, and I do not think we
are being that hard to please.
32
00:01:04,910 --> 00:01:06,161
Have you been touching
my things?
33
00:01:06,195 --> 00:01:08,997
Bry, I don't want
to hire a nanny.
34
00:01:09,031 --> 00:01:10,582
I'm so happy you're saying this.
35
00:01:10,616 --> 00:01:12,567
Of course, one of us
36
00:01:12,585 --> 00:01:14,619
would have to quit work
for a while.
37
00:01:14,670 --> 00:01:16,371
Me, me... please
let it be me.
38
00:01:16,405 --> 00:01:17,956
I've always wanted to
be a stay-at-home dad.
39
00:01:18,007 --> 00:01:19,290
I'll have playdates
and I'll worry
40
00:01:19,342 --> 00:01:20,592
about the croup,
whatever that is,
41
00:01:20,626 --> 00:01:22,260
and-and I'll hang
on his every "goo-goo"
42
00:01:22,294 --> 00:01:23,378
and "lady gaga."
43
00:01:23,412 --> 00:01:24,879
Really, you'd be willing
to do that?
44
00:01:24,913 --> 00:01:29,250
'Cause I was kind of thinking
that I could do it, too.
45
00:01:29,268 --> 00:01:31,803
David, you're a doctor.
46
00:01:31,854 --> 00:01:33,888
Your job is life-or-death.
47
00:01:33,922 --> 00:01:35,640
I'm just a simple
television producer
48
00:01:35,691 --> 00:01:38,860
that's changed the world and
sets the cultural barometer,
49
00:01:38,894 --> 00:01:40,645
and besides, sing!Writes itself.
50
00:01:40,696 --> 00:01:42,230
Bry, in all the years
that I've known you,
51
00:01:42,264 --> 00:01:44,399
you've woken up early once,
and that was to watch
52
00:01:44,433 --> 00:01:46,368
Kate and William's
royal wedding in real time.
53
00:01:46,402 --> 00:01:48,703
David, I can do this.
54
00:01:48,738 --> 00:01:49,937
It's in the bag.
55
00:01:51,290 --> 00:01:53,908
(Knocking)
56
00:01:53,942 --> 00:01:55,777
Hey!
Surprise!
57
00:01:55,795 --> 00:01:56,911
Hey, look at you,
58
00:01:56,945 --> 00:01:59,714
sweating like Ann coulter
in an iranian mosque.
59
00:01:59,749 --> 00:02:02,283
(Laughing): I don't know
what any of those words are.
60
00:02:02,301 --> 00:02:04,619
(Laughter) So, what's going on?
61
00:02:04,637 --> 00:02:05,620
With your birthday coming up,
62
00:02:05,638 --> 00:02:06,921
we thought we would treat you
63
00:02:06,955 --> 00:02:09,391
to some much
deserved pampering.
64
00:02:09,425 --> 00:02:10,425
(Gasps)
65
00:02:10,459 --> 00:02:12,060
Wha...?
66
00:02:13,479 --> 00:02:15,563
A week-long stay
at the serenity spa in Sedona?
67
00:02:15,598 --> 00:02:16,964
Is it safe
68
00:02:16,982 --> 00:02:18,299
to travel to Mexico?
69
00:02:18,317 --> 00:02:20,402
It's in Arizona
and it's fabulous.
70
00:02:20,436 --> 00:02:23,304
You can even get a hot
pebble massage for the baby.
71
00:02:23,322 --> 00:02:24,989
Oh, this is very sweet, guys,
72
00:02:25,024 --> 00:02:27,659
but I can't just leave Shania
for a week.
73
00:02:27,693 --> 00:02:28,810
We will watch Shania.
74
00:02:28,828 --> 00:02:31,780
Boom. Bryan thinks he can be
a stay-at-home dad.
75
00:02:31,814 --> 00:02:33,198
And David doesn't think
I can do it,
76
00:02:33,249 --> 00:02:35,033
but once I set my mind to
something, I always succeed.
77
00:02:35,084 --> 00:02:37,919
Did I not put together that
Ikea footstool for Goldie?
78
00:02:37,953 --> 00:02:38,953
It was a solitary block.
79
00:02:38,987 --> 00:02:40,288
Mm-hmm. Oh, this is so generous.
80
00:02:40,322 --> 00:02:41,372
I mean,
81
00:02:41,424 --> 00:02:42,824
I haven't been
on vacation since
82
00:02:42,842 --> 00:02:43,958
Shania was born.
83
00:02:43,992 --> 00:02:46,628
So... will you take us up
on our offer?
84
00:02:46,662 --> 00:02:47,712
Are you kidding?
85
00:02:47,763 --> 00:02:48,963
I'm gonna go pack now.
86
00:02:48,997 --> 00:02:50,048
Viva Sedona!
87
00:02:50,099 --> 00:02:51,433
(Both cheering)
88
00:02:51,467 --> 00:02:55,937
In my opinion the color palate
flat-out does not work.
89
00:02:55,971 --> 00:02:58,523
Just a warning: Bryan's
going to hate it.
90
00:03:00,526 --> 00:03:02,227
I like how the red lamp
complements
91
00:03:02,278 --> 00:03:03,678
the pink flame duvet.
92
00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:05,179
I like the story that it tells,
93
00:03:05,197 --> 00:03:07,899
if this were a teen whorehouse
in a John Hughes movie.
94
00:03:07,950 --> 00:03:09,183
Total redo.
95
00:03:09,201 --> 00:03:10,902
Where have you been?
96
00:03:10,953 --> 00:03:12,153
You missed rehearsal
the other night.
97
00:03:12,187 --> 00:03:13,288
Did you follow Bebe Neuwirth
98
00:03:13,322 --> 00:03:14,956
home from
the gas station again?
99
00:03:14,990 --> 00:03:16,791
Yes. Rocky, I've
come to a decision.
100
00:03:16,826 --> 00:03:19,527
When my baby comes, I'm
gonna go on paternity leave.
101
00:03:19,545 --> 00:03:21,329
I'm gonna be a
stay-at-home dad.
102
00:03:21,363 --> 00:03:23,248
(Laughs)
103
00:03:23,299 --> 00:03:25,250
You, a stay-at-home-dad?
104
00:03:25,301 --> 00:03:27,669
That's like me being
a featured actress on girls.
105
00:03:27,703 --> 00:03:29,304
Who's gonna take over
while you're gone?
106
00:03:29,338 --> 00:03:30,805
Well, I guess the sing!Writers can handle it.
107
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:31,639
They have nothing else to do
108
00:03:31,674 --> 00:03:32,640
with their lives except buy
109
00:03:32,675 --> 00:03:33,708
more ill-fitting
fleece items.
110
00:03:33,726 --> 00:03:34,592
Excuse me,
111
00:03:34,643 --> 00:03:35,593
you need a producer
112
00:03:35,644 --> 00:03:37,095
to hold this ship together.
113
00:03:37,146 --> 00:03:38,179
You need a Captain.
114
00:03:38,213 --> 00:03:40,014
You need me.
Ha!
115
00:03:40,048 --> 00:03:42,016
Bryan, I've dreamt
of being a producer
116
00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:43,568
ever since I was a kid.
117
00:03:43,602 --> 00:03:46,104
I produced my own version
of fat Albert.
118
00:03:46,155 --> 00:03:48,723
Even did my own spin-off.
119
00:03:48,741 --> 00:03:50,158
Cut, cut, cut!
120
00:03:50,192 --> 00:03:52,827
This is fat Albert: The revenge,people.
121
00:03:52,862 --> 00:03:54,112
Now, fat Albert,
122
00:03:54,163 --> 00:03:56,281
eat the little white girl!
123
00:03:56,332 --> 00:03:59,400
Well, rocky, I didn't realize
you wanted to be a producer.
124
00:03:59,418 --> 00:04:01,235
Let me prove to you
that I can do this.
125
00:04:01,253 --> 00:04:02,137
I don't know if you're ready.
126
00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:03,121
Hi, Bry.
127
00:04:03,172 --> 00:04:04,255
Hi.
Hate to interrupt,
128
00:04:04,290 --> 00:04:07,408
but my character
would never say this stuff.
129
00:04:07,426 --> 00:04:09,076
Oh, so you don't
like what's written?
130
00:04:09,094 --> 00:04:10,461
Maybe you'll like what I wrote.
131
00:04:10,513 --> 00:04:12,046
Interior, basement.
Night.
132
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,633
Brynn, in her cheer uniform,
lays tied up on a cold table.
133
00:04:15,684 --> 00:04:17,385
A crazy hunchback
enters and stabs her
134
00:04:17,419 --> 00:04:18,520
several times in the face.
135
00:04:18,554 --> 00:04:19,804
We cut to the hospital,
136
00:04:19,855 --> 00:04:22,056
and sure enough, Brynn survives
137
00:04:22,090 --> 00:04:23,558
but needs a face transplant.
138
00:04:23,592 --> 00:04:24,809
Enter.
139
00:04:24,860 --> 00:04:27,862
Demi Lovato, who will
do it for cheap.
140
00:04:27,897 --> 00:04:30,148
I'll do it as written.
141
00:04:32,735 --> 00:04:34,819
The ship is yours.
142
00:04:38,774 --> 00:04:40,775
(Sighs)
143
00:04:43,128 --> 00:04:45,079
I can't stop eating pottery
and cigarette ashes.
144
00:04:45,113 --> 00:04:46,664
Hey, you two.
145
00:04:46,715 --> 00:04:48,783
Ew, what is that smell?
146
00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:49,784
We're watching a marathon
147
00:04:49,802 --> 00:04:51,002
of my strange addictionand eating
148
00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:52,887
some of the "safely edible"
obsessions from the show.
149
00:04:52,922 --> 00:04:54,589
I ate cotton.
150
00:04:55,290 --> 00:04:57,342
Well, it's 10:00.
151
00:04:57,393 --> 00:04:59,177
Headed to bed.
152
00:04:59,228 --> 00:05:02,063
I think it's a little
past Shania's bedtime, too?
153
00:05:02,097 --> 00:05:04,015
I'm pretty sure Shania can handle
a few more episodes, right?
154
00:05:04,066 --> 00:05:05,183
We can't stop now.
155
00:05:05,234 --> 00:05:06,684
We haven't found
out what happens
156
00:05:06,735 --> 00:05:08,970
to that lady who eats
her dead husband's ashes.
157
00:05:08,988 --> 00:05:10,772
Okay.
158
00:05:10,806 --> 00:05:12,139
Bry, I hope you know that,
159
00:05:12,157 --> 00:05:14,108
when the baby comes, gonna have
to keep him on a schedule.
160
00:05:14,142 --> 00:05:15,693
Babies need structure.
161
00:05:15,744 --> 00:05:17,612
Aw, would you eat
my ashes, babe?
162
00:05:20,449 --> 00:05:22,483
Woman: I think you need
help for this, I think...
163
00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:24,202
Shania:
Bryan!
164
00:05:25,504 --> 00:05:27,422
Bry, Shania's calling you.
165
00:05:27,456 --> 00:05:29,257
Shh, I took a Lunesta.
166
00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:30,324
You can't take sleeping pills
167
00:05:30,342 --> 00:05:31,542
when you're responsible
for a child.
168
00:05:31,577 --> 00:05:32,777
As long as Dr. daddy is here,
169
00:05:32,811 --> 00:05:33,878
papa's going to pill down.
170
00:05:33,929 --> 00:05:35,096
Bryan!
171
00:05:35,130 --> 00:05:38,332
Bryan:
All right, I'm on it.
172
00:05:38,350 --> 00:05:39,717
Are you okay?
173
00:05:39,768 --> 00:05:41,386
What's wrong?
174
00:05:41,437 --> 00:05:42,604
I can't sleep.
175
00:05:42,638 --> 00:05:44,555
That creepy mobile
above the crib is making
176
00:05:44,607 --> 00:05:46,391
scary shadows on the wall.
177
00:05:46,425 --> 00:05:48,393
This is an ancient
Mayan goddess of sleep;
178
00:05:48,444 --> 00:05:49,844
It's very chic.
179
00:05:49,862 --> 00:05:51,679
Oh, my God, that is terrifying.
180
00:05:51,697 --> 00:05:53,798
It's just that I've never woken
up in the middle of the night
181
00:05:53,832 --> 00:05:55,650
and not had my mom there
to comfort me.
182
00:05:55,684 --> 00:05:56,668
Oh.
183
00:05:56,702 --> 00:05:58,686
Once upon a time,
184
00:05:58,721 --> 00:06:00,672
I saw a woman named Uma Thurman
185
00:06:00,706 --> 00:06:02,957
without any makeup on
186
00:06:02,992 --> 00:06:04,525
under the harsh
fluorescent lights
187
00:06:04,543 --> 00:06:07,378
of a walgreens at
2:00 in the morning,
188
00:06:07,413 --> 00:06:10,465
clutching a six-pack
of vanilla ensure.
189
00:06:10,499 --> 00:06:11,916
(Yawning):
And...
190
00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:13,367
Oh, wait,
that story is too scary.
191
00:06:13,385 --> 00:06:14,702
I'm so sorry.
192
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,755
I'm so glad you're here,
Bryan; You're the best.
193
00:06:17,806 --> 00:06:20,475
I almost don't miss my...
194
00:06:20,509 --> 00:06:22,510
Come on, Bryan, wake up.
195
00:06:22,544 --> 00:06:23,428
It's 7:30.
196
00:06:23,479 --> 00:06:24,879
Oh, 7:30, thank God.
197
00:06:24,897 --> 00:06:26,230
Three more hours of sleep.
198
00:06:26,265 --> 00:06:28,266
No, you have exactly 20
minutes to make my breakfast,
199
00:06:28,317 --> 00:06:29,817
pack my lunch, quiz me
on my spelling words,
200
00:06:29,852 --> 00:06:31,019
and drive me to school.
201
00:06:31,053 --> 00:06:32,553
School, yes, right, on it!
202
00:06:32,571 --> 00:06:33,771
Here you go!
203
00:06:34,990 --> 00:06:36,991
Oh.
204
00:06:38,243 --> 00:06:42,113
An avocado, a club soda,
and a wheel of brie?
205
00:06:42,164 --> 00:06:43,397
Well, I could give you
camembert,
206
00:06:43,415 --> 00:06:44,916
but I doubt your palate
is sophisticated enough
207
00:06:44,950 --> 00:06:46,167
to appreciate the difference.
208
00:06:46,201 --> 00:06:48,235
(Clicks tongue)
Come on, let's go!
209
00:06:48,253 --> 00:06:50,071
(School bell ringing)
210
00:06:50,089 --> 00:06:52,206
Bye, honey! Have a
good day at school!
211
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,292
Learn stuff
you can Google later.
212
00:06:54,343 --> 00:06:56,294
Hi.
213
00:06:56,345 --> 00:06:57,795
I'm Courtney, this is Tasha.
214
00:06:57,846 --> 00:07:00,548
We are the school's
parent project coordinators.
215
00:07:00,582 --> 00:07:02,183
Oh, um, I am Bryan.
216
00:07:02,217 --> 00:07:04,635
I'm taking care of Shania while
her mom's away. Wonderful.
217
00:07:04,687 --> 00:07:06,921
My son's Ethan, and
he's right over there
218
00:07:06,939 --> 00:07:08,723
playing with
Courtney's son Ethan.
219
00:07:08,757 --> 00:07:12,259
Oh, um, oh, look at them...
they're, they're like two little
220
00:07:12,277 --> 00:07:13,644
perfect Vegas magicians.
221
00:07:13,696 --> 00:07:15,063
How'd you get 'em
out the door like that?
222
00:07:15,097 --> 00:07:16,564
I barely had time to get
pants on Shania. I relate.
223
00:07:16,598 --> 00:07:19,067
Yesterday, after strength
training, I do the housework,
224
00:07:19,101 --> 00:07:20,284
work on my blog...
which is kind of
225
00:07:20,319 --> 00:07:21,769
a girl, interrupted at 40
kind of thing...
226
00:07:21,787 --> 00:07:23,488
marinate an osso buco
for dinner,
227
00:07:23,539 --> 00:07:25,373
meditate, and it hits me:
228
00:07:25,407 --> 00:07:26,991
I haven't prepared
Ethan's vegan lunch
229
00:07:27,042 --> 00:07:28,493
for school tomorrow yet.
230
00:07:28,544 --> 00:07:30,495
How did you possibly get
all that done in time?
231
00:07:30,546 --> 00:07:32,446
I did.
Of course she did.
232
00:07:32,464 --> 00:07:34,582
Anyway, we're holding a
princess tea and social
233
00:07:34,616 --> 00:07:36,384
tomorrow and we were wondering
234
00:07:36,418 --> 00:07:39,420
if you, as Shania's caretaker,
235
00:07:39,454 --> 00:07:41,389
had time to provide
decorations.
236
00:07:41,423 --> 00:07:43,007
I do, oh, I definitely do.
237
00:07:43,058 --> 00:07:44,008
Great... it
is so nice
238
00:07:44,059 --> 00:07:45,292
to meet you.
239
00:07:45,310 --> 00:07:46,627
Nice to meet you.
240
00:07:46,645 --> 00:07:48,646
Bye.
241
00:07:50,298 --> 00:07:52,567
There go the botoxic avengers.
242
00:07:52,601 --> 00:07:54,185
(Both chuckle)
243
00:07:54,236 --> 00:07:56,237
Are you a Christian dude
who preaches to kids
244
00:07:56,271 --> 00:07:57,572
not to do drugs or something?
245
00:07:57,606 --> 00:07:59,357
Oh, no, no, uh...
246
00:07:59,408 --> 00:08:01,075
I'm a dad.
247
00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:02,076
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
248
00:08:02,111 --> 00:08:04,979
Good times, huh?
(Chuckles)
249
00:08:04,997 --> 00:08:07,165
Having a four-foot tall boss
who screams
250
00:08:07,199 --> 00:08:09,534
and sneezes in your face.
251
00:08:09,585 --> 00:08:11,502
I love taking care of a child.
252
00:08:11,537 --> 00:08:14,255
I-I love that that's
my daily life.
253
00:08:14,289 --> 00:08:15,339
See, I see
what you're doing there.
254
00:08:15,374 --> 00:08:16,340
(Baby crying) Aw...
255
00:08:16,375 --> 00:08:17,491
Here, let me try one.
256
00:08:17,509 --> 00:08:20,928
Tonight my wife
won't visibly recoil
257
00:08:20,963 --> 00:08:21,963
at my touch.
258
00:08:21,997 --> 00:08:24,048
She's lost all respect for me.
259
00:08:24,099 --> 00:08:25,716
(Crying)
260
00:08:25,768 --> 00:08:28,219
And I don't blame her.
261
00:08:31,857 --> 00:08:33,174
Oh.
262
00:08:37,613 --> 00:08:38,813
(Chimes)
263
00:08:38,847 --> 00:08:40,731
Start.
264
00:08:41,733 --> 00:08:43,067
Start.
265
00:08:43,118 --> 00:08:44,852
Start, start, start, start.
266
00:08:44,870 --> 00:08:47,905
(Ringtone playing)
267
00:08:47,956 --> 00:08:49,023
Hola, Goldie.
268
00:08:49,041 --> 00:08:50,741
How's Sedona?
269
00:08:50,793 --> 00:08:52,627
(Moans) Awesome.
270
00:08:52,661 --> 00:08:54,745
I can't stop eating
the cucumber on my face.
271
00:08:54,797 --> 00:08:56,247
I wish I had ranch dressing.
272
00:08:56,298 --> 00:08:57,198
(Sighs weakly) How's Shania?
273
00:08:57,216 --> 00:08:58,416
I'm, I'm just checking in.
274
00:08:58,467 --> 00:08:59,584
Oh, she is great.
275
00:08:59,635 --> 00:09:01,669
She's happy,
she's just, you know,
276
00:09:01,703 --> 00:09:02,920
wise beyond her years.
277
00:09:02,971 --> 00:09:04,505
Um, silly question.
278
00:09:04,539 --> 00:09:06,507
David wants to know how to use
279
00:09:06,541 --> 00:09:07,758
the washing machine.
280
00:09:07,810 --> 00:09:08,893
Oh, Bryan,
281
00:09:08,927 --> 00:09:11,045
a man has entered
with a bacon sandwich,
282
00:09:11,063 --> 00:09:13,481
and there's a lady
with big thumbs rubbing my feet.
283
00:09:13,515 --> 00:09:14,899
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can concentrate
284
00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:16,150
on what you're saying anymore.
285
00:09:16,185 --> 00:09:17,768
Just put four quarters
in the machine
286
00:09:17,820 --> 00:09:19,437
and push the biggest knob.
287
00:09:19,488 --> 00:09:20,505
All right, thanks.
288
00:09:21,824 --> 00:09:24,275
(Ringtone playing)
No, n-n-no.
289
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,061
Bryan Collins, stay-at-home dad.
290
00:09:28,197 --> 00:09:29,497
Shania threw up?
291
00:09:29,531 --> 00:09:30,615
Was it on purpose?
292
00:09:34,169 --> 00:09:35,953
I need it to be darker.
293
00:09:38,624 --> 00:09:40,625
I need it to be brighter.
294
00:09:41,543 --> 00:09:43,211
I need soup.
295
00:09:46,414 --> 00:09:48,415
I want chicken noodle.
296
00:09:50,919 --> 00:09:52,920
I'm cold, I need more blankets.
297
00:09:54,523 --> 00:09:57,141
Triangles?
298
00:09:58,093 --> 00:10:00,228
I'm hot, I want a fan.
299
00:10:00,262 --> 00:10:02,730
I want to watch
house hunters international.
300
00:10:03,899 --> 00:10:04,982
Will you play with my hair?
301
00:10:07,269 --> 00:10:09,737
What's a vagina for
other than peeing?
302
00:10:09,771 --> 00:10:11,539
I want you to draw
a picture of me,
303
00:10:11,573 --> 00:10:13,407
but as a pig
eating a ham sandwich.
304
00:10:13,441 --> 00:10:15,710
Sing me an esoteric
Broadway medley.
305
00:10:15,744 --> 00:10:17,495
Watch cataract surgery
with me on YouTube.
306
00:10:17,546 --> 00:10:19,330
I'm gonna try peanuts
for the first time.
307
00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:20,414
I want to play video games.
308
00:10:20,448 --> 00:10:21,615
I want my mommy.
309
00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:23,167
I need water. I need air.
310
00:10:24,219 --> 00:10:25,887
I'm bored.
311
00:10:33,896 --> 00:10:35,596
Hey, Bry,
312
00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:37,398
how was your day?
313
00:10:37,432 --> 00:10:38,900
What, is the pilot light out
or something?
314
00:10:38,934 --> 00:10:42,270
I'm trying to figure out
how Sylvia plath did it.
315
00:10:43,805 --> 00:10:45,106
I can't do it, David.
316
00:10:45,140 --> 00:10:47,408
I said I could be a stay-at-home
dad, but I can't do it.
317
00:10:47,442 --> 00:10:48,409
You have to do it.
318
00:10:48,443 --> 00:10:50,077
Shania (ln distance):
Bryan!
319
00:10:50,112 --> 00:10:53,864
Help me, please.
320
00:11:00,596 --> 00:11:02,380
It's the middle of the night.
321
00:11:02,414 --> 00:11:03,581
It's 7:00,
322
00:11:03,599 --> 00:11:04,916
and it's just dark
323
00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:06,685
'cause you have your
sleep mask on.
324
00:11:06,719 --> 00:11:08,887
Don't worry.
Daddy David's on the job.
325
00:11:17,396 --> 00:11:20,031
Shania. Shania?
326
00:11:20,066 --> 00:11:21,800
Morning, sunshine.
327
00:11:21,834 --> 00:11:23,235
Looks like you're
feeling better.
328
00:11:23,269 --> 00:11:24,352
Time to get ready for school.
329
00:11:24,387 --> 00:11:25,353
But, David...
330
00:11:25,404 --> 00:11:26,738
I brought you some
hot chocolate,
331
00:11:26,772 --> 00:11:27,822
your slippers are
beside the bed,
332
00:11:27,857 --> 00:11:29,107
and I don't want to rush you,
333
00:11:29,141 --> 00:11:30,809
but breakfast
is ready downstairs.
334
00:11:30,843 --> 00:11:33,028
Hot chocolate?
Slippers? Breakfast?
335
00:11:33,079 --> 00:11:34,979
It's like I'm at a spa
like my mom.
336
00:11:34,997 --> 00:11:36,615
Uh-huh. Come on.
It's a beautiful day.
337
00:11:36,649 --> 00:11:39,817
T minus 60 minutes
to go over your math homework
338
00:11:39,835 --> 00:11:41,920
and your spelling words...
I cannot decide
339
00:11:41,954 --> 00:11:43,705
which one I want to do first...
340
00:11:43,756 --> 00:11:46,625
and I will have you at school
with plenty of time to spare.
341
00:11:46,659 --> 00:11:47,659
David, you don't...
342
00:11:47,677 --> 00:11:50,095
And... if we have
any time left,
343
00:11:50,129 --> 00:11:51,996
we can go through
your yearbook and I will
344
00:11:52,014 --> 00:11:53,765
tell you which one
of the boys you like
345
00:11:53,799 --> 00:11:55,267
are slam-dunk gays.
346
00:11:56,302 --> 00:11:58,470
I thought you said
school starts at 8:45.
347
00:11:58,504 --> 00:12:01,506
Shania:
It does. Just not on Saturday.
348
00:12:01,540 --> 00:12:04,008
What? It's sat... it's Saturday.
349
00:12:04,026 --> 00:12:05,510
Why didn't you tell me?
350
00:12:05,528 --> 00:12:08,179
I tried, but you were so excited
about staying on schedule.
351
00:12:08,197 --> 00:12:09,614
And you gave me hot chocolate.
352
00:12:09,649 --> 00:12:10,949
I mean, I'm jacked up.
353
00:12:10,983 --> 00:12:12,183
The only thing I have today
354
00:12:12,201 --> 00:12:13,485
is a princess tea and social
355
00:12:13,519 --> 00:12:14,686
at my friend Bianca's house,
356
00:12:14,704 --> 00:12:16,404
but that's
not till 3:00.
357
00:12:16,455 --> 00:12:18,189
What do we do until then?
358
00:12:18,207 --> 00:12:20,358
Ooh! We could go
to Radioshack
359
00:12:20,376 --> 00:12:22,410
and check out
the new cell phone skins.
360
00:12:22,461 --> 00:12:24,412
Shania: I'm bored.
(David groans)
361
00:12:24,447 --> 00:12:26,481
I know it's Saturday,
but this is an emergency.
362
00:12:26,515 --> 00:12:28,800
I've been getting reports about
your behavior on set this week.
363
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:32,087
And do these reports include
words such as "excellent" and...
364
00:12:32,138 --> 00:12:33,772
"Professional"
and "fine as hell"?
365
00:12:33,806 --> 00:12:36,224
Rocky, I put my empire
in your hands,
366
00:12:36,258 --> 00:12:38,009
and you've run around
terrorizing people
367
00:12:38,044 --> 00:12:39,761
like Christian bale in heels.
368
00:12:42,682 --> 00:12:43,682
Cut!
369
00:12:43,716 --> 00:12:45,016
Hey, I'm the director.
370
00:12:45,050 --> 00:12:47,051
I yell "cut."
Not anymore you don't!
371
00:12:47,069 --> 00:12:48,987
This is not iCarly.
372
00:12:49,021 --> 00:12:50,054
I want shirts off.
373
00:12:50,072 --> 00:12:51,272
Girls' tops, too.
374
00:12:51,324 --> 00:12:52,774
This is a sex scene!
375
00:12:52,825 --> 00:12:55,994
And the key to good sex
is moisture, even teen sex!
376
00:12:56,028 --> 00:12:57,028
Makeup!
377
00:12:57,062 --> 00:12:58,029
Lather 'em up!
378
00:12:58,063 --> 00:12:59,531
And when I say "action,"
379
00:12:59,565 --> 00:13:01,333
I want to see tongues.
380
00:13:02,368 --> 00:13:03,868
Where's the water?
381
00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:06,087
The production will
no longer be providing
382
00:13:06,122 --> 00:13:08,506
expensive bottled water.
You want some,
383
00:13:08,541 --> 00:13:10,575
get it from the park
on your way to work
384
00:13:10,593 --> 00:13:12,711
and store it in the hump
on your back.
385
00:13:12,745 --> 00:13:13,745
But I'm thirsty now.
386
00:13:13,763 --> 00:13:15,130
Why the hell you need water
387
00:13:15,181 --> 00:13:18,767
when we have orange
and purple fantas right here?
388
00:13:18,801 --> 00:13:20,719
Look!
389
00:13:20,753 --> 00:13:23,087
Are you writers all brain-dead?!
390
00:13:23,105 --> 00:13:25,757
Another Barbra Streisand medley?
391
00:13:25,775 --> 00:13:26,975
This is a high school show.
392
00:13:27,026 --> 00:13:29,561
It is not believable
that a 16-year-old girl
393
00:13:29,595 --> 00:13:31,363
played by a 26-year-old actress
394
00:13:31,397 --> 00:13:33,765
would be singing songs
by a 70-year-old lady.
395
00:13:33,783 --> 00:13:35,767
We're gonna get
some real music on this show.
396
00:13:35,785 --> 00:13:37,869
This is R. Kelly.
397
00:13:37,903 --> 00:13:39,454
Trapped in the closet.
398
00:13:39,488 --> 00:13:42,874
And we will be reenacting
all 40 chapters.
399
00:13:42,908 --> 00:13:44,876
Um, this thing is
90 minutes long.
400
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:46,544
And?
We're an hour show.
401
00:13:46,579 --> 00:13:49,330
Well, then you'd better
write small, nerds.
402
00:13:50,383 --> 00:13:51,549
You used the n-word.
403
00:13:51,584 --> 00:13:52,550
I know.
404
00:13:52,585 --> 00:13:53,752
And I called them nerds.
405
00:13:53,786 --> 00:13:55,053
I trusted you at a time
406
00:13:55,087 --> 00:13:56,120
when I was completely
overwhelmed,
407
00:13:56,138 --> 00:13:57,639
and now I have
to spend the entire week
408
00:13:57,690 --> 00:13:58,640
putting out your fires.
409
00:13:58,691 --> 00:14:00,091
I-I'm sorry.
410
00:14:00,126 --> 00:14:02,193
I really thought I was doing
my best for you.
411
00:14:02,228 --> 00:14:03,595
(Sniffles) If you need me...
412
00:14:04,730 --> 00:14:06,664
...I'll be at
crustacean restaurant,
413
00:14:06,699 --> 00:14:09,234
drowning my sorrows
in black bean crab.
414
00:14:12,738 --> 00:14:14,789
There's everything you need.
And thanks again
415
00:14:14,824 --> 00:14:16,958
for agreeing to host
the party at the last minute.
416
00:14:16,992 --> 00:14:18,877
I can't believe the
pta decided to schedule
417
00:14:18,911 --> 00:14:21,279
an emergency meeting today.
We're spearheading
418
00:14:21,297 --> 00:14:24,082
an anti-name-calling campaign,
and if we're not there,
419
00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:27,118
those brain-dead morons
will just screw it up.
420
00:14:27,136 --> 00:14:30,221
David:
Okay, princess party.
421
00:14:30,256 --> 00:14:31,289
Before we get started, I thought
422
00:14:31,307 --> 00:14:32,807
we could all get
to know each other.
423
00:14:32,842 --> 00:14:33,842
Cupcakes!
424
00:14:36,962 --> 00:14:38,847
I know. Let's start
with cupcakes.
425
00:14:38,898 --> 00:14:42,400
Okay, miladies,
hope the tea is to your liking.
426
00:14:42,435 --> 00:14:45,353
Why are you talking to us
like that? We're not four.
427
00:14:45,404 --> 00:14:47,355
My apologies, princess Rebecca.
428
00:14:47,406 --> 00:14:48,639
(British accent):
Off with me head.
429
00:14:49,575 --> 00:14:50,808
(Normal voice):
Whoa.
430
00:14:50,826 --> 00:14:51,776
Tough castle.
431
00:14:52,611 --> 00:14:54,112
Hey, where you going?
432
00:14:54,146 --> 00:14:57,648
Rebecca and Erin are ignoring
me, so I'm going to take a bath.
433
00:14:57,666 --> 00:15:00,919
Take a bath? No, no, no.
Wait, you can't take a bath.
434
00:15:00,953 --> 00:15:02,320
Shania, will you go
talk to her, please?
435
00:15:02,338 --> 00:15:04,155
I don't really
know her that well.
436
00:15:04,173 --> 00:15:06,458
Your wife looks like a man.
437
00:15:06,492 --> 00:15:08,126
Whoa, where you guys going?
438
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,929
(Bowl clatters) It doesn't
belong in the ballroom.
439
00:15:10,963 --> 00:15:13,465
(Water running) (Sighs)
440
00:15:13,499 --> 00:15:15,100
(Girls giggling, shouting)
441
00:15:15,134 --> 00:15:17,051
Oh!
442
00:15:17,103 --> 00:15:18,470
(Laughs)
443
00:15:19,505 --> 00:15:22,340
All right. Let me jump in!
444
00:15:23,309 --> 00:15:25,343
Oh, my lord. Oh!
445
00:15:25,361 --> 00:15:26,561
Ow.
446
00:15:26,612 --> 00:15:28,062
You hit my face with the zipper.
447
00:15:28,114 --> 00:15:30,848
I'm gonna have
to get plastic surgery.
448
00:15:33,986 --> 00:15:36,571
I honestly don't know why
449
00:15:36,622 --> 00:15:39,574
your daddy wants to live alone
in an apartment.
450
00:15:39,625 --> 00:15:41,826
(Girls giggling)
451
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:43,711
I thought you were gonna put
makeup on yourselves.
452
00:15:43,746 --> 00:15:45,079
Quiet, peasant!
453
00:15:45,131 --> 00:15:48,082
I really couldn't
conjecture who the woman is
454
00:15:48,134 --> 00:15:50,301
that keeps calling
your house. Maybe...
455
00:15:50,336 --> 00:15:52,637
It's a business associate
of your father's.
456
00:15:52,671 --> 00:15:55,373
Charge!
457
00:15:56,392 --> 00:15:57,759
Charge!
458
00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:59,644
Charge!
459
00:15:59,678 --> 00:16:02,230
(Singing "charge" fanfare)
Oh, my God.
460
00:16:02,264 --> 00:16:05,150
Where did you get
all those scissors?!
461
00:16:07,069 --> 00:16:08,553
Ha!
462
00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:11,139
Girls?
463
00:16:11,173 --> 00:16:13,491
They went upstairs to look
through your nightstand.
464
00:16:13,526 --> 00:16:15,460
My nightst...
465
00:16:19,748 --> 00:16:22,617
Look, we found
your see-through lotion.
466
00:16:22,668 --> 00:16:24,869
Mmm, it tastes
like strawberries.
467
00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:30,959
I want to taste it.
468
00:16:33,210 --> 00:16:33,952
David...
469
00:16:34,332 --> 00:16:35,446
You up here?
470
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,595
(Smelly whimpers)
(Bryan chuckles)
471
00:16:38,547 --> 00:16:40,014
How was the party?
472
00:16:40,049 --> 00:16:42,767
I was sure that I could
do it better than you,
473
00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:44,385
but I couldn't.
474
00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:47,438
They're dressed like princesses,
but they're monsters.
475
00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:49,057
(Chuckles)
476
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:50,942
Monsters.
477
00:16:50,976 --> 00:16:52,276
I know.
478
00:16:52,311 --> 00:16:54,062
We'll figure it out.
479
00:16:55,230 --> 00:16:57,281
Is that my tiara?
480
00:16:57,316 --> 00:16:59,183
So, you like babies?
481
00:16:59,201 --> 00:17:00,618
Oh, yes. Very much.
482
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:01,852
Do you know
how to pur?e a carrot?
483
00:17:01,870 --> 00:17:03,871
N-no, but I'm happy to learn.
484
00:17:03,906 --> 00:17:05,490
Sounds good.
You seem great.
485
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,692
No! You cannot
hire a nanny.
486
00:17:08,710 --> 00:17:10,078
No offense.
I'm sure you're wonderful.
487
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:11,295
(Whispers):
Bitch.
488
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,097
Bryan: Goldie, what are
you doing back here?
489
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,865
You still have
four more days at the spa.
490
00:17:14,883 --> 00:17:15,883
Shania called me.
491
00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:17,535
She said she was worried
about you guys.
492
00:17:17,553 --> 00:17:20,238
(Sighs) We're sorry, Goldie.
493
00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:21,606
We thought we could
do it, but...
494
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,142
We can't. We need
professional help.
495
00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:25,760
No. You don't.
496
00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:28,546
Every parent in the history
of parenting goes through this.
497
00:17:28,564 --> 00:17:31,482
They think they can't handle it,
that it's all gonna fall apart.
498
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:34,718
And the truth is, sometimes
it all falls apart.
499
00:17:34,736 --> 00:17:36,921
That was... comforting advice.
500
00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:38,489
I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
501
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:40,408
Raising a kid is hard.
502
00:17:40,442 --> 00:17:41,225
But...
503
00:17:41,243 --> 00:17:42,393
You figure it out.
504
00:17:42,411 --> 00:17:44,779
I mean, I more or less
did it alone.
505
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:45,896
But you two have each other.
506
00:17:45,914 --> 00:17:47,415
Yeah, but we both suck.
Mm.
507
00:17:47,449 --> 00:17:49,567
You both have
different strengths.
508
00:17:49,585 --> 00:17:52,620
David, you are practical
and organized.
509
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:54,622
Bryan, you're fun and creative.
510
00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:56,073
I don't think
I like my strengths.
511
00:17:56,091 --> 00:17:57,758
You don't have to be great
at everything,
512
00:17:57,793 --> 00:18:00,077
as long as each of you
is great at something.
513
00:18:01,430 --> 00:18:02,680
You know what?
514
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:04,582
Keep Shania for one more day.
515
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,136
You'll see.
516
00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:12,056
(Romantic instrumental plays)
517
00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:18,896
(Sighs) I came as soon
as I got your text.
518
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:21,365
You didn't say what it was
about, but I randomly bought you
519
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,318
a latte and the ointment for
that of which we do not speak.
520
00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:27,455
No, no, no, no.
It's not about any of that.
521
00:18:27,489 --> 00:18:29,123
I've been watching
the episode of sing!
522
00:18:29,158 --> 00:18:30,875
That you produced in my absence.
523
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:33,461
And it's fantastic.
524
00:18:33,495 --> 00:18:35,613
It's one of the best. Ever.
525
00:18:35,631 --> 00:18:38,499
Oh, my God. I can't believe
the episode made you cry.
526
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:40,551
(Chuckles) It did, but that's
not why I'm emotional.
527
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:43,988
You shaved 22%
off the show's budget.
528
00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:45,789
Because you cut
bottled water, the studio
529
00:18:45,807 --> 00:18:47,475
is honoring me
as environmentally conscious
530
00:18:47,509 --> 00:18:48,476
instead of cheap.
531
00:18:48,510 --> 00:18:50,678
You are brilliant,
532
00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:53,598
you are fierce,
and you are fine as hell.
533
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,850
And it is a privilege
to play any part
534
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,318
in making your dreams come true.
535
00:18:57,352 --> 00:19:00,304
(Chuckles) Are you serious?
536
00:19:00,322 --> 00:19:03,140
Because if you're not,
I will snap you in half.
537
00:19:03,158 --> 00:19:04,909
No, no, no. It's not a joke.
538
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:07,862
I do have one more low-level
task for you to perform though.
539
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,197
Okay.
540
00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:11,649
Can you get me
that chair over there?
541
00:19:26,798 --> 00:19:27,882
How much did that chair cost?
542
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:29,267
And what part of the budget
543
00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:31,018
did you take it from?
Because this show
544
00:19:31,053 --> 00:19:32,853
is not paying for
that damn thing.
545
00:19:32,888 --> 00:19:35,389
Just so you know.
546
00:19:40,669 --> 00:19:42,533
David:Never wonder why we callof mom who works award.
547
00:19:42,569 --> 00:19:45,004
"A working mom" and a dad
548
00:19:45,022 --> 00:19:47,023
who worksis just called "a dad"?
549
00:19:47,057 --> 00:19:49,508
Well, for eons, women were
550
00:19:49,543 --> 00:19:52,177
the unsung heroesof raising the kids.
551
00:19:52,195 --> 00:19:55,147
They tended the cave while menwere hunting, gathering,
552
00:19:55,181 --> 00:19:58,200
pillaging, and eventuallydonning sharp suits
553
00:19:58,235 --> 00:20:01,487
to work in ad agenciesand host game shows.
554
00:20:01,521 --> 00:20:04,657
But familieslook different now.
555
00:20:04,691 --> 00:20:06,826
No matter what their gender,all that matters
556
00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:08,544
is being lucky enoughthank you.
557
00:20:08,579 --> 00:20:10,546
To have a partner to count on,
558
00:20:10,581 --> 00:20:12,164
an ally who'll alwayshave your back.
559
00:20:12,198 --> 00:20:14,166
Thank you.
560
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,969
Bryan: They are the strengthsto your weaknesses,
561
00:20:17,004 --> 00:20:19,889
the Yin to your Yang,the Kathie Lee to your Hoda.
562
00:20:21,058 --> 00:20:22,758
Look at the face more.
563
00:20:22,793 --> 00:20:24,760
Ready?
Uh-huh.
564
00:20:27,547 --> 00:20:28,898
Perfect.
565
00:20:28,932 --> 00:20:31,050
So, in a right
triangle, the sum of
566
00:20:31,068 --> 00:20:33,769
the square of the
legs is equal to?
567
00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:35,488
The square of the hypotenuse?
568
00:20:35,522 --> 00:20:38,991
And in 2005 which movie won the
academy award for best picture?
569
00:20:39,026 --> 00:20:39,992
(Sighs) Crash.
570
00:20:40,027 --> 00:20:41,661
I know.
I don't get it either.
571
00:20:41,695 --> 00:20:43,579
Here you go.
Thanks.
572
00:20:43,614 --> 00:20:45,197
Have a good day!
573
00:20:45,231 --> 00:20:46,616
Bryan:
Occasionally, you'll run
574
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:48,117
into a fellowstay-at-home warrior
575
00:20:48,168 --> 00:20:50,753
who's struggling withthe relentless chaos of doing
576
00:20:50,787 --> 00:20:52,905
the hardest job in the world.
Aw, come here.
577
00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:54,240
When you seeone of these pioneers,
578
00:20:54,274 --> 00:20:56,459
appreciate thatthey were trailblazers
579
00:20:56,510 --> 00:20:57,910
for the rest of us.
580
00:20:57,928 --> 00:20:59,178
And in the end,if you're feeling overwhelmed,
581
00:20:59,212 --> 00:21:01,180
sometimes you justhave to admit
582
00:21:01,214 --> 00:21:03,182
that no one personcan do everything.
583
00:21:03,216 --> 00:21:06,185
At least not well.
584
00:21:06,848 --> 00:21:09,433
David: Sure, it'll take us a bitto work out the kinks
585
00:21:09,484 --> 00:21:11,719
of this wholestay-at-home dad thing.
586
00:21:11,755 --> 00:21:14,018
Bryan: And are we gonnamake mistakes? Sure.
587
00:21:15,348 --> 00:21:16,820
But at least we'll make them...
588
00:21:16,854 --> 00:21:18,354
Both:
Together.
589
00:21:18,372 --> 00:21:20,505
590
00:21:20,555 --> 00:21:25,105
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