Original subtitles

DAVID: When I was a boy, I had all these expectations

of what my adult life would look like.

My son and I playing catch in the yard

while my wife, Shannen Doherty from 90210, brings us lemonade.

You boys look like you've worked up a manly thirst.

BOTH: Wow! Fresh-squeezed lemonade!

Thanks, Mom. Thanks, hon.

(laughs)

But expectations and reality can wind up

being two very different things.

You boys look like you worked up a manly thirst.

BOTH: Wow. Fresh-squeezed lemonade.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks, hon.

Even though I didn't end up marrying Brenda Walsh

and fell in love with Bryan Collins instead,

one constant has stayed the same...

I never stopped dreaming of having a son.

As an OB/GYN, all day long,

I have the privilege of telling expectant parents

the gender of their child.

It's a boy.

The politically correct thing for parents to say

when asked if they prefer to have a boy or a girl is,

"We don't care as long as it's healthy."

It's a girl.

But the thing is, deep down inside, people do care.

Everyone has a preference.

Like me... I have always wanted a boy.

That's why I collect World Series balls.

Someday, I'll pass them on to my son.

My boy and I will love our balls.

We will take our balls out for others to see and play with.

BRYAN: Guess what?

I started making a list of baby names.

Oh, yeah? What you got?

Solange, Hermes, Veronique, Xandra.

But those are all girls' names.

Did you not hear me say Hermes?

Sorry, it was all kind of a blur after "Solange."

(laughs)

We don't even know the baby's gender yet,

so we have plenty of time.

Are you glad we chose not to find out?

Absolutely. It's one of the last real surprises in the world.

And we will be thrilled with whatever we have.

BOTH: As long as it's healthy.

(whispers): Sandra.

Sync & corrections by wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com

So I guess you're kind of hoping for a girl, huh?

No. No, I'm okay with whatever we have

as long as she's healthy. I just hate

not knowing the gender while we're decorating the nursery.

It's very creatively frustrating.

Oh, well, maybe we could

help get your creative juices flowing.

Shania's working on a project for school,

and we could use your help brainstorming.

Oh. I have to give a presentation

on an influential woman in history.

Mm-hmm, and we need to decide quick

so I can sew her costume in time.

Well, what have you been thinking about so far?

My mom thought I should go as Susan B. Anthony

or Marie Curie, but I'm not feeling them.

I want to explore a more contemporary woman of note.

I completely agree.

Once you've been put on a coin or discovered

a radioactive isotope, your 15 minutes are up.

We'll put our heads together, huh?

But first, which one of these wall decals goes best

in this jaundice theme I got going here?

Silly monkey, silly froggy?

(laughs): Oh...

Well, I think they're both adorable.

He'll love either one.

He?

Well, I see here the parents don't want

to know the gender of the child,

but upon birth,

they'll be very pleased to learn

that he's of the superior gender.

(laughs)

Congratulations!

It's a boy!

All right, let's see what we got.

Uh, first things first. Uh-boom.

Okay... Uh, hey, Bry, you missed a good one today.

I was on fire from the three-point line.

Oh, your smile and spirited tone indicate that you won.

Congratulations. We need to talk.

Come on. Okay, all right.

What's going on?

Well, remember how we decided

not to find out the gender of the baby?

Well, let's just say that Goldie, hormones raging,

clearly not thinking,

maybe accidentally let the vagina

or penis cat out of the bag.

What are you saying? You know what we're having?

Would you, in this hypothetical scenario, want to know?

No. No way. It's the last... It's a boy.

Are you mad that I told you?

Mad. No. I'm... I'm not mad.

I'm... so happy.

We're having a boy. We're having a boy!

Oh, I know. My instinct was to lift something, too.

You guys, we're having a boy!

(cheering, whooping, laughing)

Yes. Come on.

Yeah! Yeah! Come on.

(roaring)

Oh, my God, it is so weird!

Just last week, I was online

looking at jungle gym forts,

and I totally bookmarked, like, ten of them, right?

And now we can get one,

and get rid of that stupid Mexican birdbath!

Oh, actually, that's a vintage Monterey-tiled fountain

with a slumbering Latino garden figure.

Oh, my God, and my old Encyclopedia Brown books!

You know the ones where he solves mysteries?

And light saber fights!

We can totally have broom light saber fights!

(imitating light sabers whooshing, buzzing)

(as Darth Vader): David, you are a father.

(laughs) Oh, dude,

you can totally sign him up for pee-wee football.

My boys do it. They're great!

In fact, you can come to our league game this weekend.

I'm coaching. No... I-I could coach? They'd let me coach?

Yeah.

Of course they'd let me coach

because I'm having a boy.

I'm having a boy! Ah!

Hmm. (smooching)

Oh, yeah. Good job, bro.

Up top. Yes. Up top.

Yeah, get in here.

Hugging, too! Yeah, come on, get in on it.

Come on, big daddy.

Yes, you did. So happy!

Yes, you did, big dawg. Yes, you did, big dawg.

During my marriage to Abraham Lincoln,

I suffered from spinal pain, boils and hallucinations.

So does Ke$ha, but at least she has fun outfits.

Bryan, thank you for putting so much effort

in Shania's presentation.

It's important... this is a big part of her grade.

Well, I'd love to take all the credit,

but you're the one who sewed a spectacular costume.

You're really very talented, Goldie.

Oh, no.

GIRL: That is why, to this day,

I, Mary Todd Lincoln, am an influential woman.

(applause)

Thank you, Fawn.

Our next presentation is by Shania Clemmons.

Whoo!

SHANIA: Does anyone here believe?

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, babe. Whoo!

Whoo!

(pop intro playing)

My name is Cher.

This is my band,

the Mondale Elementary School Jazz Explosion.

Many of you know me

from my five decades of hit songs,

my great movies like Burlesque,

and my insane 4:00 a.m. tweets

about politics or wig-maintenance.

But let's turn back time to when I was a little girl

in El Centro, California, named Cherilyn Sarkisian.

I didn't expect much from life.

But I wanted more.

I wanted my dreams to come true.

I wanted to sing.

I sang for everyone,

be they man, woman,

straight, gay, but mostly gay men.

My father married a pure Cherokee

Cherokee

My mother's people were ashamed of me

Ashamed of me

The Indians said that I was white by law

White by law

The White Man

Always called me Indian Squaw...

Half-breed

That's all I ever heard

Half-breed

How I learned to hate the word

Half-breed

She's no good they warned

Both sides were against me

Since the day I was born!

(song ends)

Whoo! Whoo!

(applause)

Great job! We love you!

GOLDIE: Whoo!

She's totally gonna win.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

(whistle blowing)

All right, Spartans, let's go.

Let's go defense.

You got it!

Yeah! Good job,

defense!

Good D, good D.

Hey, Sammy,

you're a linebacker, all right?

You got to shadow that running back.

Help out your safeties.

Okay, get in there.

Let's go, defense.

You sound like a man who's enjoying himself.

Oh, I'm loving it.

Thank you for letting me coach this week.

Hey, it's good practice

for when your little guy is ready to play.

I might even get a windbreaker, and gain 50 pounds.

(whistle blows) All right, let's get in there. Good D.

Hold 'em down.

Here we go. Hold 'em down, come on!

Take him down!

Take him down!

Good tackle!

(whistle blows)

How long do these games last?

Usually an entire bottle of wine.

They're brutal.

We sit out here for two hours

every weekend, baking in the heat,

letting the sun fry up our collagen.

Give me a bank-account busting trip

to the American Girl doll store any day.

Oh, my God, I just got Finley the cutest pink leg braces

for her differently-abled doll. Is it true that they have a little salon there

where the girls and the dolls get their hair done in tandem?

Is it mandatory that I bring an actual daughter to get in?

(women laughing)

(whistle blows) DAVID: Let's go, defense!

There you go.

Crush it, come on!

Come on!

All right, guys, that's how you do it!

Good hustle, guys.

I want to coach.

Huh? Is everything all right, Bry?

Did you finish your magazines?

Yeah, I want to coach. I want to yell.

I want to clap. I want to get people excited.

Besides, I can only take so much conversation

about suburban infidelity and Greek yogurt.

David, we're having a boy and I want to participate in his life.

But, Bry, you don't know anything about football.

Pfft! Of course I do.

Watch and marvel.

(whistles) Oh, my God.

Let's clump together, boys.

Clump together. Let's clump together.

All right, it's a little rude if I can't see your eyes.

Everyone take off your hats.

Uh, they're helmets.

They're for safety. I got this, David.

Okay, okay. I am Coach Bryan,

Coach David's understudy. I know,

a lot of coaches here today, but we all have one goal:

To run and push and score more points, right?

Yeah. Right. Yeah!

So let's cuddle up!

Should one of us get in there

and give him a hand? Uh, no, no, no.

He's all right. L-Let him do it.

Does everybody know their parts?

ALL: Yeah!

All right, let's get out there,

and let's break a leg!

ALL: Yeah!

Break a leg!

That's a euphemism!

(whistle blows)

I haven't run on grass in so long.

I forget how squishy it is. Yeah.

So, what did you tell them?

I just added a twist.

(quarterback yells out play)

Two balls? Where did that come from?

Look, check out the other runner.

BRYAN: Oh, oh, oh, oh!

No, wait.

And there they go.

Oh, oh...

(whistle blows)

(whistle blows)

They scored two touchdowns?

Okay, so "Secret Ball"

didn't work this time, boys,

but nice effort.

It was a good try, Bryan.

The kids are gonna...

remember this day.

Come on, guys.

Hey, Bryan, Kate and I are gonna go grab some coffee.

Would you mind watching our purses?

(whistle blows)

(humming)

Hey, honey.

I'm making curtains for the baby's room.

I decided to go with solid blue.

I was gonna do a pattern

with little bicycles, but, you know,

Lance Armstrong.

Whatever, Mom.

What's wrong?

Guess what grade I got

on my "Influential Women in History" presentation.

Go ahead, guess.

A...

Minus? Try F.

F?! And suspended for:

"violating the school's policy on hate speech."

Hate speech?!

What are you talking about?

The song that I song is called "Half-Breed."

Yeah, but that's what the song is about...

that it's offensive to be called a half-breed.

I know... they said it doesn't matter

because the school has a "Zero Tolerance" policy.

But "Zero Tolerance" can't mean absolutely no exceptions.

That's kind of exactly what it means.

Well, I don't care.

It was wrong to suspend you for this.

And you know what?

I'm gonna fight it.

If I expect to be a lawyer someday,

I may as well practice right now.

Your lawyer suit? Will it fit?

David and Bryan gave that to you

when you weren't even a week pregnant.

Well, I'm gonna make some

quick alterations today, and tomorrow

we're gonna go down to that school to show them

that they can't mess with a daughter of a woman

who dreams of someday maybe trying to become a lawyer.

Not your most inspiring speech,

but I love your passion.

(sighs)

Okay.

What is all this?

Oh, they're the curtains that Goldie made.

Aren't they great?

I figured since we know we're having a boy,

we don't have to go gender-neutral anymore.

We can add some male flourishes.

Oh, look.

Baseballs.

Each one of them from an actual World Series.

I've been collecting them since I was a kid.

Oh, why didn't you say so, David?

They're old used balls.

That changes everything.

Look, David, as innovative

as the color blue and sporting goods are

for a boy's room, they just sort of

mar my overall design scheme, so...

Bryan, my glove from when I was in Little League.

I've been keeping it oiled for my son.

David, if we did the room your way,

the only thing new in here would be the baby.

It's just one shelf.

We'll still have plenty of room for your precious design.

Precious... you mean "girly"?

Look, you're not the only one who had expectations, okay?

I mean, what if we had a girl?

What-what would you do with your male flourishes then?

Why are you getting so upset?

I want our baby to love me as much as he loves you.

And I'm afraid he's only gonna be into the things

that you're into, and then we won't be able

to relate on anything at all.

I'm his dad, too, David, and I don't want him calling me "Mom,"

or "Lady Dad" or "Auntie Bry Bry."

Why would our son call you "Auntie Bry Bry"?

I don't want it to be like it is with you and the dogs.

Okay?

They run to you and they play with you, but they ignore me.

The dogs run to me because I feed them.

They look at me as a giant sack

of treats who throws a ball.

Kind of like the way you look at me.

David, stop... I appreciate your attempt

at flirty glibness right now, but this is very real for me.

I had four jock brothers and a sister

who petitioned to play linebacker.

My dad didn't know how to relate to me at all.

And the only time he spoke to me was for TV listings

because I had memorized the TV Guide from cover to cover.

So if I hadn't know that Remington Steele was on

at 10:00 p.m. on Tuesdays... (sniffs)

well, then we wouldn't have had two words to say to each other.

I want to have the same connection

that you have with our child,

but I'm afraid. I know.

I don't want to be the odd man out again, David.

Not with our own child.

Wait a minute... Bry?

(clears throat)

Mr. Blakeney, Your Honor,

if it please the... the you,

I would like to begin by reviewing the circumstances

which lead to my daughter Shania's

recent suspension.

Ms. Clemmons, please, sit down.

Really, you don't have to be so formal.

The class assignment, if I am correct,

was to, quote, "prepare"

"a presentation of no more than

ten minutes on a female subject, who" quote, "stands out as a,"

quote, "influential figure in history."

End quote. End quote.

I believe my daughter's presentation was successfully

executed on all counts.

"Executed" is good in this instance.

Nobody's questioning the significance

of Cher's impact on culture

we're simply objecting to your daughter's song choice.

I mean, Cher has a voluminous catalog

of other perfectly appropriate songs.

"If I Could Turn Back Time."

"I Got You, Babe."

"The Beat Goes On."

"Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves." Well...

she may be suspended for that one, I'd have to check the book.

I don't get it... why can't you look past the rule on this one?

The spirit of Shania's presentation

was that a women of simple means can grow up

to become a role model to millions.

She's inspirational.

When I was watching

her portrayal of Ms. Cher, I thought

I am capable of so much more than people expect of me,

and if one other student had that same thought,

well, wasn't my client's performance worth it?

No one's arguing that.

We're simply stating that, based on our policy,

you may not use a pejorative like that on school ground.

Permission to have that word defined.

It means "derogatory." Permission to have that word defined.

I'm sorry, Ms. Clemmons, you make a very moving argument,

but when it comes to rules, feelings don't matter.

The law is the law.

Okay, I have no idea why I did that.

Hey.

Oh, look at you all lawyery.

Were you able to get Shania's suspension overturned?

No, it was a complete failure.

I am a complete failure.

Being a lawyer isn't my thing.

You know my kid has a better vision

of what she wants to be than I do. Oh, don't say that, Goldie.

You can do anything you put your mind to.

No, it's not that I don't think I can be a lawyer,

it's that I don't want to be.

I mean, even if I'm arguing for all that's good and right,

an innocent person can still be punished.

And if that's what being a lawyer means,

then I need to find myself another dream.

Life just isn't turning out how I expected it.

I know what you mean.

This whole having a boy thing has thrown me for a loop.

Bryan, listen...

you are going to be an amazing dad, no matter what the gender.

I just don't want it to be like it was with my dad.

He was all, "Socket wrench, Sports Illustrated,"

poker night, 'Pull my finger.'".

And I was all, "talent show, pep squad, 'Guess who got cast"

as Mortimer Brewster in Arsenic and Old Lace?'"

I made a fool out of myself on that football court.

Field.

(phone rings)

It's David.

Great, his football game got rained out,

and now he wants to bring the whole team here.

Wants me to order pizza.

I mean, I don't know what a bunch of boys want.

Aren't you a boy?

Yes, but not that kind.

Ugh... I'm gonna be outnumbered in my own home.

Forever.

All right, let's go, guys.

Come on in... shoes off, don't touch the walls.

FREDDIE: All right, okay.

All right, guys...

AMIR: Ethan, give Donny's inhaler back!

(boys laughing, clamoring)

Cool! That's crazy!

Thank God we didn't have to go to Chuck E. Cheese again.

If I had to listen to that animatronic band one more time,

I was going to beat that purple bear

to death with his own bongos.

Well, lower your expectations.

I only had an hour... I barely had time to do a centerpiece,

let alone an entire luncheon for the Bad Time Bears.

(laughs)

All right, boys, lunch!

(boys clamoring) Come on, boys.

Come on over.

Okay, so, what we're gonna do here

is a make-your-own-pizza party.

BOYS: Whoa! Wha-what!

BOY: Yeah!

All right, I even got you some chef's hats.

A hat for you and there's a hat for you, there's more here.

There we go.

Now, these toppings are probably a little bit different

than you're used to, but it's all we had in the house,

so we got two kinds of ham,

we have a prosciutto and Iberico.

We also have some truffles, we have some

squash blossoms and roasted poblanos,

we have some fresh burrata... so what you do

is you take a bowl of dough...

now, I've had this dough in my freezer

for that dinner party I was gonna throw for Kristen Stewart

when I was trying to woo her on to my show,

but then I found out she's gluten-free...

and joy-free.

(boys laugh)

So take this dough

over to the kneading station, roll it out,

and then come back and get some toppings and we'll cook it up.

What do you think?

BOYS: Yeah! Yes, let's do it.

Dough. Take a dough. There it is.

Oh, you're even lining up like little gentlemen.

There's more over there, there's more over there.

You put all of this together in an hour?

Well, minutes... I spent the rest of the time on the phone,

trying to get those video games from the studio.

Wait your turn, dude. Dude, I just...

BRYAN: We had them for the all '80s episode of Sing!

I don't know, I thought the kids would like 'em.

Coach Bryan? Mm-hmm.

This isn't the kind of ham my dad buys... I like it!

Way better than that block of pink we usually eat.

DAVID: Everything all right, Donny?

Yeah, just... about the scrimmage the other day...?

Oh, well, you know what, that was my fault.

I never should have tried to coach.

No, I was gonna say.

Coach Freddie usually gets

stressed-out and competitive and kind of yells at us,

but you were fun and cool.

Don't tell Coach Freddie I said that.

He's my dad... it'll turn into a whole thing.

And you thought you wouldn't be able to relate to boys.

Well, kids will say anything if there's free pizza. Bryan, look at them.

They're having fun, they're learning new things.

This is not the work of a man

that doesn't know how to connect to boys.

You know, you don't have to be scared about not relating to

your son just because your dad didn't know what to do with a boy like you.

You're already a better dad than he was.

Because you're trying.

Our son is very lucky because he is going to have an awesome dad.

Me. Me.

Thank you.

Okay, so the next step is to cook it.

This is, uh, well, this will never cook,

but, uh, we can try it.

We can certainly try it.

Let's just jack up the oven here.

DAVID: Expectations are a funny thing.

You waste so much time guessing what your life could look like.

But the thing is you can't really know until the day

you open your eyes and see...

...that if you let go and lean into the unexpected,

it may be something more beautiful

than you ever could've imagined.

No, it's not what you expected, it's something even better.

Sync & corrections by wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com

All right, come on.

Show me pregnant!

Baby needs a new pair of parents!

Ah, it's negative.

Rats!

You sure you peed on it enough?

Yeah, like I was putting out a forest fire.

Doesn't make any sense.

We've been going at it like rabbits.

We should have a whole yard full of bunnies by now.

Boy, you really did drench this thing.

Well, hey, you tell me to pee on something,

I'm gonna pee on it.

Good news is, we can still keep doing the bunny hop.

Yeah, I guess.

Just seems like a whole lot of hard work for nothing.

You mean other than the loving

and spiritual connection we've been having?

Sure, sure. Yeah.

Hey, uh, you know, we could always squeeze one in

before I have to go to work.

As romantic as that sounds,

I still have to take a shower, wash my hair and shave my legs.

Don't doll it up on my account.

I can power through, even if you're stinky and furry.

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