All language subtitles for The New Normal s01e07 The Godparent Trap.eng

Hi sweetie, it's me daddy.
Fun daddy.

I mean daddy Dave is fun too,
he's more fun in a

let's go to the library and look at
the maps kind of way.

Anyway, it's about 6 o'clock

and I was thinking once you arrive

this will probably be about the time
that you go nighty night.

And I've always had this dream about
tucking my baby in.

So, if you were here,
I would say

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord
my soul to keep,

but if I die before I wake...

It's probably due to a huge earthquake.
(Laughs)

That is downright
disrespectful.

Bedtime prayers
are a serious thing.

It's your last words to God

before he holds your soul
for the night.

That's what I tell
my goddaughter.

You have a goddaughter?

Why is that so surprising?

I don't know.
You just don't really seem

like the godparent type,
what with all the anger

and the cursing
and the binge drinking.

Well, that's on the outside.

But on the inside,

I have a very evolved
spirituality.

The Jew in the room
has a question.

What exactly is a godparent?

I mean, I've heard of it,

but I don't quite understand
what they do.

It's mostly about rides
to the airport, right?

Oh, no. No, it's the person
who raises your kid

if something really bad
happens to you,

like you die in a car crash

or on the toilet, like Elvis.

No. (Chuckles)

That's a guardian.

A godparent is someone

the child goes to
for spiritual guidance.

Like I do
for my goddaughter, Pam.

Every Sunday after church,

we reflect together
on the minister's sermon.

Miss Rocky,
where do we go when we die?

Oh, baby, that pretty little
soul of yours

will most definitely
go up to the angels.

But your body? It's gonna get
dumped in the ground

and eaten by worms and bugs.

And then someone
will plant veggies,

and they'll grow
from the bug poo.

Now that potato
salad you eating?

It's probably your granddaddy.

Oh...

Come on, baby.
Shake a little hot sauce on him.

It's not a bad idea,
finding godparents.

I have no spiritual advice
to offer.

The only thing
I ever got from the church

was a lifelong complex
about inferior abs.

You stare at Jesus
throughout puberty.

That guy was ripped.

We need to find godparents.

Hello, Goldie. Hi, Shania.

Nicotine gum?

I'm pregnant. I know.

I just always feel obliged to
offer if people see I have some.

Shania? Good for you.

Don't smoke
and don't text and drive.

Hey, who is that
adorable smelly friend

you brought into my office

instead of leaving it
anywhere but here?

His name is Marshmallow.
He's our class guinea pig.

It's a school project
to teach kids

how to take care
of living things.

It's also a way
to show my class

what our family looks like.

Will you take our picture, Gary?
Oh, yeah.

I'll be happy to.
But don't ever sleep with it.

It'll poop right in your mouth.

Okay, all right.

Get together there.
Don't force it, Goldie.

Here we go.

Say craigslist.
One, two, three!

Both: Craigslist.

Boom. Great.

So, Goldie, we like all
of our surrogates

to pop in for little
mental health pit stops.

How you doing?

Great. Some morning sickness

and a love-hate relationship
with nachos.

(Chuckles) I hear that.
I love 'em, hate 'em.

But Bryan and David
have been amazing.

We've become incredibly close.

I love that you're feeling
connected to them,

I really do, but
let me give you

the 411 on rule number one
of surrogacy 101.

When you deliver David
and Bryan's baby,

your job is complete.

They get their child,
you get your money,

and everybody goes
their separate ways.

Gary, that's not true.

Bryan and David would
never keep me away

from my baby brother or sister.

Oh, Shania, sweetie,

this baby isn't related to you.

The doctor planted
another lady's egg in me

that was fertilized
with David's sperm.

Mom, this baby's growing
inside you.

It's absorbing all your love
and niceness and yogurt.

Plus, I talk to it
all the time in Spanish.

It knows my voice.

Crecer Grande y fuerte, ninito!

I'm so sorry, sweetie, but
this baby isn't a part of us,

even though it may
feel that way.

I'm just a, a...

A storage unit with legs.

Beautifully said, Goldie.

So do you know
what you're having yet?

A boy, a girl?

I think we're gonna
let gender be a surprise.

As long as he or she is healthy

and willing to go
to Laker games with me.

So, with our baby coming,

we have been talking
more and more about spirituality

it got us thinking

about your commitment
ceremony in Ojai,

and how incredibly
moving it was.

And you're one of
the few couples we know

with a true spiritual
conviction.

You know, that
actually practice.

Everyone else we know
just goes to spin class.

So, Tiffany, Victoria,

would you like to be
our child's godparents?

Wow. That's...

Godparents.

We didn't even know

you guys were believers.

Oh, I'm not.
Religion requires faith,

and I'm more
interested in facts.

But, Bryan, you used
to go to church, right?

Yeah, every Sunday, up
until, like, 15 years ago.

And then...

I don't know why
I stopped, exactly.

Might have had something
to do with the fact

that I just wanted to
test the rule about

all-you-can-eat at
the Four Seasons brunch.

But we still want our baby

to have a strong
spiritual connection,

even if we can't provide it.

Look, it might be hard
for us to be a godparent

to someone else's child when
we can't have one of our own.

Victoria has a dented uterus,

and my eggs are
practically powdered.

Oh, we're so sorry.

It's ironic, too.

We have twice the
baby-making parts.

We're failures
on an exponential level.

Well, I mean,
there's always adoption.

You say that like it's easy.

We have spent the last six
years and all of our money

on a child that
we will never have.

So forgive me if I can't

get it up to raise
somebody else's kid.

You know, or be
a spiritual beacon

for yours when God
has just taken

a divine dump on my dream.

But, you know, super touched
that you guys thought of us.

Angry! Ooh...

Sad. Mm...

Happy. Ee!

Is that good?

Okay, try to convey quirky
confidence because this is

my tribute to Annie Leibovitz.

Is that the little girl
in your class

Nana thinks runs the media?

Let's go see Bryan and David.

They always know
what I'm talking about.

Maybe we should give
the guys a break.

Make it a mom, Shania,
Marshmallow weekend?

If you want me
to fail the assignment.

I'm supposed to take pictures
of Marshmallow with my family,

and that includes Bryan
and David.

I know Bryan and David feel

like an important part
of our lives right now,

but it's like Gary said...

Gary at expanding families?
He's a freak.

When you left the room to pee,

he asked me if I'd call

his ex-boyfriend to see
if another man answered.

I just don't want
you getting hurt.

The boys will always be
a part of our lives. You'll see.

I mean, Bryan and I
are identical souls.

We have the exact
same take on everything.

Get the cameraman! Get the cameraman!
No, not the gazelle!

No, no, the cameraman!
No, no, eat the cameraman!

Get the cameraman!
Eat the fatty! He can't run!

He's like three feet away! Eat the fatty!
He can't run!

Both: Oh...

Mom, I have faith
in Bryan and David.

I believe they really love us.

Who are you gonna listen to:
Gary, a man who asked me

to lend him two grand,
or your own heart?

(Bryan and Shania chuckling)

David: So cool.

They actually look
like polaroids.

What are polaroids?

It's just an old-timey word
David likes to use.

Like "landline" or
"Josh Hartnett."

Okay, honey, it's time
to hit the road.

Aw, do we have to? Uh-huh.

It feels like we haven't
seen these guys in forever.

I know, honey.
I'm sorry about that.

But David and I are
on a noble quest.

We're on the hunt
for godparents.

Mom, do I have godparents?

No, sweetie.
You know, I asked Nana

when I was pregnant,
but she told me

that if I took
an illegitimate child

into a church, it would
be like killing Jesus twice.

Sounds right.

So, since I don't have
any godparents,

maybe you guys could be mine.

Us? Oh, godparents?

That's a pretty big
responsibility, Shania.

Bryan: Yeah, and
really sweet, honey,

but I'm afraid
we have to say no.

No, no, no, it's just
that Bryan and I

don't have a lot to offer

in the whole spiritual
guidance department.

Yeah, you really can't be
someone's godparent

if you don't have spiritual
conviction of your own.

No. It's okay. I get it.

Okay.

Oh...

What was that?

We met with Gary the other day,
and he told us

that most surrogates don't stay
in contact with the parents

after the baby's born.

Goldie, we hope that you'll
always be a part of our lives.

We can hope this is permanent,
but the truth is,

when the baby comes,
everything's gonna change.

Bryan: 12 dudes sitting around
gossiping and drinking wine?

You call that the last supper?

I call that a Tuesday night.

Hey, Mary. I'm a virgin, too.

I've also slept in a barn
with three wise men.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be

talking smack
about your mother.

But you know who judges me?
Your father.

You here for confession?

Uh, bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

It has been 20 years
since my last confession.

Commandment-wise, I have

pretty much done 'em all,

except for kill someone and
covet my neighbor's wife.

Okay, three hail Marys.
Have a nice day.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Um, is-is... that's it?

Well, if you're not gonna
take this seriously,

I'm gonna get back
to playing angry birds.

Oh, okay, um,

my partner and I are

having a baby and we're looking
for godparents,

but I don't think I can find
spiritual foundation

in others if I can't
even find it in myself.

So that's why I'm here.

So, you're gay.

Uh, yeah. I guess I should have
led with that.

No, I get it.
I committed my life

to a man, as well.
Eh, that's really funny.

I'm actually talking
about an actual man

that I actually lay with,

leviticus style.

Well, contrary
to popular opinion,

being gay isn't a sin.

The church is not anti-gay.

Yet any chance he gets,
the pope treats gay marriage

like Amanda Bynes treats
pedestrians.

Oh, yeah, the pope. Come on.

Haven't you ever had
a lovable old Uncle

who popped off
intolerant comments

at a family barbecue?

Can't you get fired
for saying stuff like that?

I don't know if you noticed,

but it's pretty hard
to get fired around here.

(Chuckles)

I was raised Catholic.

I love the tradition,

I love the ritual.

I mean, don't get me started
on the stations of the cross.

But you guys don't accept me.

So, what am I supposed
to do, father?

I mean, you tell me.
Where do I go?

Well, there are
plenty of churches

specifically geared
to your community.

Uch! Rainbow flags
and tambourines.

I don't want to be forced to
use a separate water fountain.

Why can't the church be
accepting of all people?

We are. We embrace everyone,
just like Jesus.

Oh, you know what?
You toss Jesus' name around,

but you don't exactly
practice what he preached,

'cause Jesus wouldn't
have judged people

based on their sexuality
because Jesus loved everyone.

Oh, wrong! I never bought that.

"Jesus is a blissed out
hippie" crap.

That man was pissed off!

He walked into temples,
told 'em they were doing it

all wrong
and wrecked the place.

He was the Chuck Norris
of his day.

Except his beard
wasn't nearly as well-groomed.

Well, as true as that might be,

Jesus also said
turn the other cheek.

Which didn't mean,
lay down and take it.

In those days, turn the other
cheek was an act of defiance.

It meant,
I will see your insult

and raise you a "suck it."

He saw hypocrisy and injustice

and he said, "seriously?
You guys are idiots.

This has got to change!"

So you're saying the church can change?
Well, it would.

I've seen gay people battle
discrimination and march

for marriage equality.

They demanded the right to
fight for their countries,

but for their souls? Nope.

They just give up, walk away.

Jesus was a fighter, son.

How about you?

Hey, did you call Goldie

and remind them to come pick up
Shania's guinea pig?

Yeah,
right before I went to church.

I'm not nagging you.
You don't have to be sarcastic.

No, David,
I really went to church.

I met with a priest
and everything.

I even confessed my sins.

That doesn't sound like
the man that I'm not

allowed to marry.
I just figured

if we're getting serious
about finding godparents,

we should probably get serious
about finding God.

The church used to be
really important to me.

I used to go every week.
Do you ever think about

maybe going back to Judaism?

Ugh! I couldn't shake it
if I tried. Why do

you think my ancestors wandered
the hot desert for 40 years?

It's why my people retire
to fort lauderdale.

Is that why?

I guess with the baby coming,

I should think about
maybe joining a temple.

We got a problem.

Please tell me he just watched
that Steve Martin movie

about competitive bird watching
and fell into a deep sleep.

He's dead.

David, did you forget
to water it?

See, that's the problem
right there.

I thought you were gonna do it!

You know I just say things!
Quick, give him mouth-to-mouth!

What? I'm not putting

my mouth on a pig,
even a guinea pig.

I've had a religious awakening.

From this moment on,
I'm keeping kosher.

(Sighs) Ah, God.
Okay, Marshmallow,

I'm just gonna check
the vital signs here.

Just blow into his mouth! Okay!

Run away from the light,
Marshmallow.

Think about your family!

Come on, Marshmallow!

You have so much
to live for, Marshmallow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

We killed Marshmallow.

How in the hell are we supposed
to take care of a baby

when we can't even keep
a guinea pig alive for a day?

Well, for starters,
we're not keeping

our baby in a cage in
the laundry room.

Poor Shania.
What are we gonna do?

It's so obvious.

Rocky, go to the pet store,

find a guinea pig that looks
just like Marshmallow.

The kid will never know
the difference.

That's brilliant.
What are you doing?

Googling to see how many
TV families have tried

the same ol' tired plan
that never works.

Okay, let's see:
The Bradys, the Partridges,

the Growing Painses...
Oh, and Saved by the Bell.

Well, if it's good enough
for Saved by the Bell,

it's good enough for me.

Oh, I know. I watch your show.

Rocky, it is really amazing.

I would never even know
the difference.

Yeah. What'd you
do with the body?

Don't ask questions you can't
handle the answer to.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, my God, they're here.

Okay, act natural. I sound
like an insane person.

Bryan: Hey!

Shania, there's someone who is

literally pooping himself
with excitement to see you.

And for once, it's not me.

Oh, we missed you!

He missed you, too!
He was so much fun.

(Chuckles)

Uh, something's wrong
with Marshmallow.

What do you mean?

He has a vagina. Rocky...

Hey, you want me to check a guinea
pig's private parts, that's extra.

What's happening here?

Uh, I think I can explain.

Shania,

the transgender movement
is a proud and...

Oh, my God, Bryan!

Honey, that is not Marshmallow.

That is a guinea pig
David and Bryan well-meaningly

told me to go out and buy to fool you
into thinking it was Marshmallow.

So, Marshmallow is...?

Yes, honey,
Marshmallow has passed.

How did it happen?

Oh, come here.

guinea pigs have a
number, just like us,

and when it's up, it's up.

Life is a mighty river, and no
one can change its course.

She's like a seven-foot-tall
Maya Angelou.

Jesus said,
"my sheep hears my voice."

I'm actually gonna substitute
that for guinea pig.

"My guinea pig hear my voice.

"I know them,
and they follow me.

And no one can snatch
them out of my hand."

Do you know what that means?

I think it means no one can take
the memories

of Marshmallow away from us.

They'll last in our hearts
as long as we're alive.

Aw...

I'm still gonna miss
Marshmallow.

Oh, I know, baby.

I wish David had
remembered to feed it.

But look at this little guy.

So you know, I'm giving
the new guinea pig

to my goddaughter,
unless it dies.

Then I'm throwing it in
the pool with the other one.

Thank you all for coming to celebrate

the life of our beloved friend,
Marshmallow.

I'm glad she opted
for a closed shoebox.

Marshmallow wasn't with our class
very long, but he had a full life.

My mom and I took him
on the L.A. Metro once,

and I think he really
appreciated the strong smells.

Most people think that death is

like this doorway
to the afterlife.

But the truth is,
we don't know what happens.

See, death is a part of life,
but we have a chance.

No, not a chance,
a responsibility

to love each other
and do nice things

while we're here on this earth.

'Cause, really,
that's all we got, man.

Testify, girl.

Now. Now is the only thing
that's for sure.

And if you ever saw Marshmallow
nibbling on a kernel of corn,

you'd know
he felt the same way.

God bless you, little one.

We'll see your little furry
face in the afterlife.

Or not.

She really is an amazing kid.

You know, I have to tell
you guys something.

That stuff Gary said? Shania
never lost faith in you.

It was me.

Come on, Goldie. You're family.

No, please don't say family.

My whole life, my family has
done nothing but leave.

All of them:

My mom, my dad,
Clay, my grandpa.

It's like just when I
trust someone with my heart,

they break it.

Honey, if you haven't noticed,

we're not exactly
your typical family.

Yeah.
But we're not going anywhere.

I hate when the wristband on my
watch get caught on my arm hair.

Whoa, what you doing?

Praying.

Why? Did you call that lazy
anorexic actress

at work lazy again? No.

When I was a kid, my mom used

to come into my room
and pray with me.

And we'd say the our
father and the hail Mary.

I would feel her next to me,

and I, I just knew everything
was okay.

Forget it. It's silly.

No, it's not.

It is not silly.
I wish I still had that.

When I first went to New York for
college, I didn't know anyone.

I was lonely.
So I went to temple.

And all the prayers

and the people the constant
clearing of throats

made a big city feel smaller.

When I went to UCLA
for med school,

the only praying I did was
to not screw up my surgeries.

I guess we both have reasons
for losing our way.

Mm. This is all great,

but it doesn't help us find
godparents.

You could pray with me.

I don't know about praying
on my knees.

I could pray from here,
reassure you

about your strong hairline.
Okay.

All right. What do I do, like this?
Mm-hmm.

Okay. So what are
we praying for?

Well, my mom used to say
you shouldn't pray for stuff.

You should use this time
to thank God.

Okay, what are you thankful for?

My stuff. (Snickers)

And you.

Our baby.

Goldie and Shania.

Isn't she amazing?

Uh! What is with the "live
for the now" thing?

She's like our own baby Buddha.

And don't forget Rocky.
I mean, she's like Jesus,

except without his extensions.

Mm-hmm. She's...

Bryan: We have
searched high and low

to find our baby's
spiritual guides,

when I all we really needed to
do was search low and high.

Some people look for faith
in a church or a temple.

We have found our ours in you.

So, Rocky, Shania,

will you be our
baby's godparents?

(Laughs)

Really?! I accept!

Hey!

Hells yeah!

And all I thought you
wanted me in your life for

was to keep your mini fridge
stocked with designer water.

(Both laugh)

Well, one job doesn't
rule out the other.

I can already visualize
the park bench

where I will teach your child
wisdom from the ancient mystics,

plus old episodes
of quantum leap.

Just so we're square,
I'm not mad at you anymore.

I'm still jealous of your
pool party abs, but not mad.

Bryan?

Hey, father.

So, you decided to fight?

Yes.

It's okay if I come to
mass every now and then?

Maybe I could bring up
the gifts some time?

I mean, if I'm not at temple
with my Jewish baby daddy.

I'd love to see you
at mass, Bryan.

You and your family.

Hey, since when did they let
girls be altar boys?

Altar servers. Oh. Yeah.

Happened in the mid-'90s.

Took a few thousand years,

but you know,
things can change...

If somebody's willing
to fight for it.

I'll see you Sunday.

Oh, and if you want to bring
the gifts, I'd sign up now.

Mark Wahlberg
comes to the 9:00.

This place is packed.

That guy's abs
put Jesus' to shame.

Father, sometimes I read
US Weekly, and I just, I'm so

concerned for the state
of the world.

I think you should probably
read less US Weekly

and more... In touch?

Uh, get in touch
with your feelings.

Yeah, get in touch
with real things, you know?

Father does Jesus forgive
Britney Spears?

Yes.

What about Amanda Bynes? Yes.

What about the Kardashians?

Yes.

Kim Kardashian?

Yes.

If Khloe Kardashian walked
into this church right now,

would she burst into flames?

Yes.

That's what I thought.

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