All language subtitles for The New Normal s01e05 Nanagasm.eng

Now you're looking like
a real pro-surfer, there, Shania.

Catching waves and keeping
your glasses on.

It was awesome.

I'm gonna go cross
"wipe out on a surfboard"

off my California dreams
bucket list.

Thanks for doing this, guys.

Especially you, Bryan.

I know that dog
with the bandana frightened you.

His owner was wearing cut-off
jeans as a bathing suit.

But it was nice
to see Shania happy.

Yeah, it's been tough lately.

She's been scared we'll
have to move back to Ohio

if I lose this custody thing.

Oh.

Although, technically, I did
kidnap her, cross state lines

and get knocked up
by a couple of gay guys.

Oh God, I'm so gonna lose.

No, you are not.

David and I are
talking to some really

great family law attorneys.

You know what, stay,

and we'll make dinner
and we'll talk strategy.

No, Bry, we can't.

Remember, my mom's
coming to town tonight?

Oh, that's right.

I was pretending
I forgot about that.

Now, you've ruined it.

You don't get along
with your mother-in-law?

I don't get along
with mine either.

Besides the shallow clavicles, that's
the first thing we have in common.

I thought not getting along with a
mother-in-law was just a straight thing,

you know, like going
fly-fishing or playing frisbee.

Turns out,
it's a universal nightmare.

(Video game playing)
Bop, bop, bop.

Oh, Clay, what are you doing?

Get dressed, your mom's
coming over tonight.

I've got to clean and then...

(Coos)

Wow,

you already did it. Thank you.

Oh, hey, Goldie.

I know housework
isn't important to you.

(Video game explosion)

Well, horror stories aside,
Bryan is exaggerating.

My mother is amazing.

You should come with us
tonight, you'll see.

I'd love to meet your mom.
That's great.

We were gonna tell her
about the baby anyway,

so it's perfect
you'll be there.

I'm so excited.

I'm excited, too.
I'm gonna go upstairs and change

and eat a pill
the size of a cake.

Another chardonnay
for you, Jane?

Nope, two drink rule.

A lady never stumbles home,

even if home is just
a crappy elevator ride away.

Bet you can't wait to get out
of here and go back to Ohio.

Ugh, God, Billie,
you have no idea.

That custody hearing
cannot come soon enough.

My granddaughter
may be hypnotized

by those gay pied pipers,

but I know what is best for her,

for her daughter,

for all of us, is to move home.

Then maybe I should
buy you a drink

while I still have the chance.

(Scoffs)

I don't really
need your charity.

I just liquidated my 401k.

What I don't piss away
on hotel bills,

I plan to invest
in dolphin traps or coal.

Altruistic. I like that.

Very sexy.

I'm sorry,
w-w-what's your agenda here?

Oh, just to buy
a beautiful woman a drink.

Supposed to give this
big sales presentation

tomorrow morning
and I'm being bad.

I thought maybe we could
be bad together?

That depends on, uh,
w-what you're selling.

Oh, I sell vitamins.

Oh, I thought you were going
to say, uh, "charm."

I was going for, uh, flirty?

Yeah, I know.

It's been awhile
since I've done this.

Oh, well,

you're doing great.

Just takes a little practice.

Okay.

One drink.

Watch your mouth
and mind your paws.

Okay.

My boy, my beautiful boy.

Look at you, so gorgeous.

I can't believe
you came out of me.

Oh, mom, so glad you're here.

Bryan, good to see you.

And that jacket.

My goodness, they can see you
from outer space.

(Nervous laugh) Hi, Frances.

There you are.

Sorry, I had to pee.

They have really
nice bathrooms here.

And who is this adorable blonde,
with the button nose

and the big goyish eyes?
They're actually more greenish.

Bryan: Frances, this is Goldie.

She's a new and very
special friend of ours.

Mom, this is actually why we
wanted you to come and visit.

To tell you in person.

Goldie isn't just a friend.

She's also our surrogate.

I don't understand.

Bryan and I are having a baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, David, David, David.

I have dreamed of this day
for so long.

And you.

Welcome to the family.

Uh, you're gonna have
to start calling me "mom."

Actually, m-mom,

uh, this all happened
because of Bryan.

Ah, Goldie,

I can see it now,
in your cheeks.

You're just glowing.

So, whose sperm did you use?

Oh, come on, mom,
that doesn't matter.

What, we're all adults.
I watch bravo. Whose sperm?

It's David's sperm.
It's not important.

The sperm came
from the blessed one himself.

Bryan felt, and this
is so sweet of him,

that because he comes
from a big family

and I'm an only child...

So, it's yours.

Ah, thank God.

My real grandchild.

Barbara Rozanski
is going to plotz.

Her daughter's uterus
looks like a bramble patch.

But you,

you have made me
the happiest grandmommy

on all of the earth.

I'm going to be needing
dessert for dinner, thank you.

Well, so, what about you?

What brings you to LA?

Oh, same as the rest.

Just a dumb whore looking
to get on a reality show.

(Laughing) Aw.

Let me get you another drink.

No way.

I'm already past
my good judgment limit.

Aw, perfect, can't wait to find
out what that looks like.

Nah, no, hey.

The way that I was raised,
a man always gets the tab.

So, if you're
gonna buy the drinks,

I've gotta figure out a way
to pay you back.

Oh, my God.

Stop that.

Your mother should've
spanked you more.

Ooh, yeah, I'm open to that.

David: Good news.

Mom loves the new comforter
in the guesthouse.

Wonderful.

Fyi, I will not be
speaking to your mother

for the rest of her visit.
Here we go.

She's excited about your baby.

It's our baby, David.

Do you have any clue
how much that hurt my feelings?

I am confident you will tell me.

I'm so sick of your mother
spitting in my face and you

trying to convince me
it's just a little rain.

Come on, Bry, it was a reflex

emotional response to learning
she's going to be a grandma.

There.

That right there.

You are explaining away
her behavior again.

Siri, text rocky to come
stab me in the ears.

She's my mom, Bryan.

Yeah, well, I'm your baby's mom.

Kind of.

It's just you're so blind
to how awful she treats me.

It's like her only mission
in life is to try to outdo me.

Christmas dinner is served.

Oh.

You're welcome.

And I made David's
favorite dessert,

cr?pe suzette.

(Cheering, laughter)

Right?

Huh?

Bon app?tit.

My mom is a four-star chef,

and I didn't want
to hurt her feelings.

Plus, there was fire,
and fire is cool.

Look, you guys have got to stop
putting me in the middle.

I'm not putting
you in the middle.

It's just the umbilical
cord connecting you two

only reaches so far.

Enough, Bryan.

The pissing contest has been
called on account of the baby.

My mother will be a presence
in our child's life.

Now, you guys have got
to sit down like adults

and work it out.

Fine.

But if there were an actual
pissing contest, I would win.

We get it, Jennifer garner.

You take your kids to the park.

Mrs. forrest,

what are you doing here?

I need to see a doctor.

My crappy hotel TV
doesn't get Dr. oz and my hmo

only recommends doctors in Ohio.

Okay, what kind of doctor
do you need?

I'm rooting for a psychiatrist.

I need, a, um, uh...

A doctor that, um...

I need a doctor who does
what you do, but not you.

You'd feel more comfortable
with a female gynecologist.

Wrong, no woman is touching
my vagina, not even me.

Well, uh, Dr. venkatashar
is very...

No snake charmers,
please, please.

Why don't you just
tell me what's going on?

I promise everything
you say in this room

will remain
absolutely confidential.

It's okay.

Okay.

Last night I felt this

very strange tingling sensation.

Uh-huh.

And then I became
very light-headed.

Mmm. I believe that what I had

was a petite mal seizure.

I learned this on Dr. oz.

Did you do anything
unusual last night?

Unusual? Um, uh, no.

It was just a typical night
at my hotel.

I watched TV...

And then I went right to sleep.

Mrs. forrest, by any chance,

did you have sex last night?

Please!

Okay.

I did.

I had relations with a man.

See, now, that wasn't
that hard to say, now was it?

Not for you.

You've probably
been saying it since

you were 14 years old.

Now, what happened to me?
What was it?

Well, I believe you had

what we in the
medical profession

refer to as an orgasm.

Hey.

That was great. That was great.

Woo, well done.

Oh, wow, my ears.

What do you think,
baby, fun, huh?

Shania: This is the most
awesome quincea?era

I could ever imagine.

Now I can cross that off my
California bucket list, too.

What is that word
you keep saying?

I don't speak Mexican.

It's a quincea?era, Nana.

It's a rite of passage for every
15-year-old Latin girl.

You should try
to get into the spirit.

Lovely.

Ooh, after you, se?orita.

Get in there, mama.

You gonna talk to my mom?

Sure.

In her last, dying days,
I may offer up a, "feel better,"

or, "great view
of the river, huh?"

But until then,
she has no interest

in anything I have to say.

About yesterday.

You shouldn't be embarrassed.

I mean, I assuming that you and
your husband didn't exactly

have a tremendous
sexual connection,

seeing as he turned
out to be gay.

I am not having
this conversation with you.

Jane, you are a fit, attractive,

horribly offensive woman whose
sexuality is alive and kicking.

You need to embrace it.

I mean, most people
over 50 don't have

a sex life to speak of.

After week,
after the mentalist,

we make love for
six minutes, on the button.

It's quite intense.

The sex used to be pleasant,

then my life change came.

Got dried up like
goldfish food down there.

In my country, older women
are prized as sexual goddesses,

but here in the U.S.,

only skinny young
supermodels are valued.

I blame Tyra banks.

Thanks for the tip,

but I am not talking about
my personal life

with a boy who is attracted
to his own genitals.

Fine. But you should
talk to someone.

(Mouthing)

Maybe someone who...

Understands what
you're going through.

Don't you just
love Latino food?

It's so passionate and sensual.

Like Latino men.

Is that for real?

Is what for real?

You... the whole "I'm 60

and I'm still
a sexual animal" bit,

because it smells like
bullcrap to me.

David's father was a
swashbuckler in the bedroom.

Had a huge sword and knew
exactly where to stab.

When I finally knew I
needed to leave Marty,

I was afraid I'd never be
satisfied like that again.

Turns out I have more
multi-plateaued orgasms now

than I ever did.

And how about you?

With a tight tushy like yours,

I imagine you have no
trouble attracting the beef.

Well, I did meet a man
the other night.

And things got intimate.

But that's all
I'm going to say.

He did really get me
thinking, though.

How can I be so dead-on
about politics

and race relations
and so damn stupid

about my own personal life?

So much time wasted;

So much time
I'll never get back.

De-licious.

Truly, just divine.

Was that gerbil?

I like to please my husband.
(Sultry chuckle)

You know what I was thinking?

I was thinking
that maybe you and I

could take our dessert
into the bedroom.

(Laughs) Honey... the crumbs.

Oh, but it's pudding.

Oh, my gosh, uh...

I am such a ninny.

I left the lights on
at the pet store.

If I don't go, the
parrots won't sleep,

and will give me
real heck tomorrow.

Don't wait up.

So your husband cheated on you.

Mine, too.

Suddenly, I was 52,
and society was telling me

I was no longer a sexual being.

Screw them.

I learned my erotic
essence didn't die

just because my marriage did.

That thing between your legs

only turns into an elbow
if you let it.

You can do this.

Oops.

Couldn't sleep.

All that spicy food

has my stomach doing
the cha-cha-cha.

Ooh, I guess we both
have tender tummies.

There's no one
else here, Frances.

You can leave the bubbly
effervescence to the seltzer.

Fine. You and I need to talk.

We are talking.

Words coming out of my mouth,

and your eyes are squinting
with crippling judgment.

It's the same conversation
we always have.

Stop that.

We owe it to David, and more
importantly, to this baby,

to work out our differences,

so let's just cut the sarcasm

and have an honest conversation
about our feelings.

Great. Truth?

You over-share
and you suck the air

out of every room
you walk into.

News flash, Bryan:

You are a self-absorbed,
insecure smug little princess.

Well, joke's on you,

'cause that's exactly
what I was going for.

(Laughs) I should've known
you weren't mature enough

to have a real communication.

Oh! Oh, I'm not mature?

Whenever you're here,
you go out of your way

to pretend that I'm not
even in the room;

That David is the only
one who exists.

Look, I get that you love him;
He's your son.

But I think when
you left your husband,

you were so desperate
for the love of a man

that you latched
onto the only one

you knew would never leave you

and you turned your little boy
into your little boyfriend.

I guess, if we're playing
amateur psychologist...

how come I've never
met your mother, Bryan?

I know you haven't talked
to her since your dad died.

You never call her,
you don't visit.

Does she even know
you're having a baby?

(Quietly): Wow.

I guess you need to work out
your own mommy issues,

and stop taking your crap
out on me.

So what do you want to do?

Do you want to go to dinner,
maybe see a movie?

I feel so good,
I could listen to live jazz.

Yeah, Jane, no offense,
but I don't want to date you,

I just want to bang you.

Bang me?! Yeah.

Is that what this was?

(Groaning): Oh, boy.

This is what drives me
nuts about older women.

You think that you can go out
and get laid,

and not get emotionally
attached, but you can't.

You just have to turn it
into a relationship.

Oh, don't flatter yourself, bud.

If I was looking
for a relationship,

I imagine I'd aim
a little bit higher

than a vitamin salesman.

Yeah, well, I'd like to imagine
that this was 1980,

and you were still super-hot,

then I wouldn't have
to close my eyes

and pretend I'm banging

a 22-year-old version of you.

Is that what you were thinking?

No, I was really thinking,
"wow, I'm such a lucky guy

to be screwing a woman who was
alive before computers!"

I wouldn't have given you
the time of day when I was 22.

Exactly.

But look at what
you gave me now.

You know you're fat, right?

(Door slams)

Here we are, wild pacific salmon
with wasabi cr?me fraiche.

Oh, my gosh, it looks amazing.

The center belly section
is the most flavorful.

I want my son to have it.

Of course you do.

Mom...

Enjoy it, son.

Wow, Frances.

The only thing I'd do different
is bread it, fry it

and add tartar sauce,
but other than that,

it looks really good.

Well, Shania said she wanted

authentic California cuisine,
and lucky for her,

we have a four-star chef
in the house.

And that's the last thing
on my bucket list.

I guess I can go back to Ohio.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

(Coughs)

You okay? What's the matter, honey?
You okay?

I ate a glob of green pudding.
Fire, fire in my mouth!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God, the wasabi.
The wasabi!

Oh, my God, here, have some water.
Take some water.

I'm gonna barf. Okay.

Okay, uh, please use
the housekeeper's toilet.

Got it! Or any of the ones

with the vintage Malibu tile.

Well, I hope she's good.

Laverne? Shirley?

Doesn't she knock?

Where are the people I like?

Shania ate a glob of wasabi,
and now she's throwing up.

And Goldie is mopping
her tiny face

with frette hand towels

like they're very, very
expensive kleenex.

I feel terrible.

Oh, no, don't.
Shania is just fine.

You know, she said it was
as delicious coming back up

as it was going down.

(Laughter)

That kid is amazing.
She's fearless.

I know. Jane: Fearless?!

Let me tell you something...
fear is good!

And you should feel terrible

with your crappy fish and
your idiotic ideas about life.

They hurt people's feelings.

And their stomachs.

Nana, Shania is
living her life.

She's nine years old
and made a list of

all the things she wanted
to do and guess what?

She did them.

Can you say the same thing?

I can't.

People aren't always supposed to do
everything they think they should do.

It's what separates us
from the animals.

And the native Hawaiians.

Well... all I know is Shania
will never forget today.

So, thank you.

I don't regret
the things I've done.

Only the things I wanted to do,

and never did.

Hey, there she is.

I feel much better now.

Sorry about your rug.

And your dog.

Ooh. (Dog barks)

Well, you know, if you break
open a capsule of vitamin e,

and you dab just a little
bit of the gel down there,

you'll be amazed how intense
the sensation will be.

Jane: Paul, what are
you doing here?

I thought it was
your daughter's birthday.

Uh... daughter?

She's only one.
She probably won't remember.

No, no, no, no, don't...

Oh, thanks a lot.

No, thank you. A lot.

For teaching me that it's
never too late to start my life.

You ready, babe? Yeah.

No regrets.

Well, you can breathe again.

Mom is on her way back to napa.

Look, I'm not saying we're
gonna be best friends

anytime soon but...

She did make me feel very good
at dinner tonight.

And if I'm being honest,

she might be a slightly
better cook than I am.

But if we ever have that
pissing contest, it is on.

I'm going to bed. You coming?

I'll be right up.
There's something I have to do.

Okay.

(Line ringing)

Woman: Hello?

Hey, mom, it's me.

Come on, Shania!
Really hit it, Shania.

Oh, come on! Oh! Yeah!

Wowie, we-wah!

That looks fun. Whoo! Arriba!

That's good, baby.

Goldie: That's cheating! Whoa!

Oh, my gosh! Bryan, stop it!

Whoa! Calm down.

Wow! Bryan, you're so strong!

Candy!

Oh, goody!

(Man singing in Spanish)

Goldie: Okay, candy! Yay!
Be careful!

That's enough, honey.

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