All language subtitles for The Millers s02e11.eng

Carol, just because you
passed your diabetes test

doesn't mean you should go
hog-wild with all these pies.

These pies are yours.

You made them last night
when you were on sleeping pills.

That's impossible.

I don't even know how to make a pie.

Well, clearly, because this
one's filled with screws;

this one scouring pads; and this one

a can of tuna and my old address book.

Well...

what about this nice meringue?

It's shaving cream.

This is the third time you've been on one

of your sleeping pill adventures this week.

(screams)

Interpol is looking for me.

Why are you taking these sleeping pills?

Look, it's just that ever since
Leon and I got divorced,

I've had a hard time
falling asleep in my bed alone.

And the pills help.

You have to stop taking them.

Why? It's not like I'm hurting anyone.

I wonder where I even got all these screws.

Huh.

I need to throw out my pills.

The Millers - 02x11 - Series Finale Hero

(cell phone buzzes)

Dude, I think you're getting a text.

(whoops)

(groans)

Is this that girl Donna
you went out with last night?

I thought you said she was hot.

This chick looks like Ving Rhames in a wig.

(scoffs)

That's my niece.

And thank you. We're playing Ugly Face Tag.

What's that?

All the kids are playing it.

The one who sends the ugliest selfie wins.

(grunts)

Sounds like fun.

Look, I know it's silly,

but this is what good uncles do.

Don't you do stuff with Mikayla?

I don't know, man. I mean, I've tried,

but we just don't have anything in common.

She's into that same weird hippie stuff

that Debbie and Adam are into.

I know it's not easy,
but that's your niece, man.

You can't just give up on her.

No, you're right.

I would like to be
a bigger part of her life.

I mean, she's family.

I mean, she's-she's gonna grow up,

and she'll be in college soon.

I might want to sleep
with some of her friends.

Hey, Mikayla.

Hey.

My parents are in the kitchen.

Oh, uh, actually, there was
something I wanted to show you.

And it's... this.

Are you having a stroke?

No!

No, no, no, no.
It's just a... it's a, um...

it's a fun game that kids are
playing on their cell phones.

Mom and Dad won't let me have a cell phone.

They don't want Obama
listening to my calls.

I was just trying to make
a face uglier than yours.

Why would you say that?

No... no, no, no! No, I'm sorry.

No, that's the game.

A game where you hurt
each other's feelings?

Fine.

You should get a second nose job.

Yeah, we all know.

Hey, uh...

you guys know I had
a deviated septum, right?

Yeah. Hey! Hey! Hey!

No, these cookies are for
the New Age charter school

we're trying to get Mikayla into--

Valley Pastures Academy.

They're having an open house tonight.

It's a dream school.

It's all totally free and open.

It's just like my old commune
except it's not rigged

to explode if an ATF officer steps inside.

I miss you, Uncle Dad.

Well, listen, I'd love
to help in any way I can.

You know, she is, uh...
she is my favorite niece.

My only niece.

Uh, well, yeah, I mean, if you're serious,

we'd love to have you come with us.

Having a kind of famous face around

would really help Mikayla
stand out from the crowd.

You'd be her hero.

- Wow, "her hero."
- Yeah.

I'd like to, uh...

I'd like to think that she
thinks that way about...

about her favorite uncle.

Her only uncle.

Yeah, that's my fault.

My mom didn't want to have any more kids

after giving birth to a 17-pound baby.

That poor woman still pees
every time she sneezes.

Hey, Kip.

What are you doing here?

Applesauce!

Applesauce!

Applesauce!

Kip, what the hell happened?

I thought you threw out
all your sleeping pills.

I did, but I was up all night
tossing and turning,

so I got them out of the trash.

(sighs) Why were you strangling Tom?

And why were you wearing a tuxedo

and screaming "applesauce"?!

(sighs) I don't know!

Uh... the tuxedo maybe
because I fell asleep

thinking about George Clooney,
but I do that every night.

But I do know at dinner,
Carol was complaining

about how you eat applesauce.

That's no reason to kill a man!

He's right. Sleep-cooking is one thing,

but trying to sleep-kill
Tom is going too far.

Maybe if you stopped complaining about me,

he wouldn't feel the need to murder me.

Not gonna happen.

I've got 40 years of
complaints to get through.

You snore when you're reading.

You mend your clothes with scotch tape.

And there's not one single food

that you don't put mayonnaise on,

including desserts.

What's wrong with mayo?

It's America's condiment.

It's unhealthy!

If it was unhealthy,

why would they name
a health clinic after it?!

Guys...

I-I know I have to learn
to sleep on my own again,

but if you leave me alone, I don't know

if I have the power to resist those pills.

It's like how I can't go
to the grocery store

without buying a tabloid
in the checkout line.

I know it's bad for me, but I need to know

what Gwen Stefani's dog looks like.

Kip, I can help you kick this habit.

TOM: We both can.

We sleep-trained our kids.

That's right.

We can help you through it
so you're never alone.

What do you say?

Okay. I'm in.

Good. Because I'm not ready to die.

There are so many things
I want to see before I die.

Like Carol die.

(chuckles) I love this place.

You know, they really
focus on the three R's.

Recycling, reforestation and reggae.

Well, look at that little,

friendly face.

I'm Miss Sparks.

Hi. We're Debbie and Adam Patterson.

And this is Mikayla, our daughter.

Or, if it helps her get in,

it's our son who likes to wear dresses.

Oh.

Well, whatever you are, you're wonderful.

And do I spy with my little eye

WXDN's handsomest reporter?

That's my uncle.

Well, I wouldn't say handsomest.

But you're the teacher here,
so who am I to back-talk?

(chuckles) Mmm, your
uncle is a rule follower.

Looks like Miss Sparks
has a new teacher's pet.

(clicks tongue) Would you like to see

our drought-friendly waterless pool?

Oh, my God.

She was all over you like white
on organic basmati rice.

(clears throat)

Just the power of the suit.

But don't worry, I'll stay away.

I don't want to ruin Mikayla's chances.

Wait. No, no, no. Are you kidding?

We need every advantage we can get.

You got to take her out,
show her a good time.

Yeah.

Yeah, and if you need a recommendation

for a romantic vegan restaurant...

there are none.

This thing is so comfy.

I feel like the gay Teletubby's boyfriend.

I knew you'd love them.

Tonight we're gonna do everything we can

to put you in the mood for sleep.

- (quietly): Oh, good.
- Now...

sit here

and have some warm milk.

(humming a tune)

I-I like the humming.

Um, but do you have to do it

with so much eye contact?

He does.

It'll force you to close your eyes.

My God, is there bourbon in this?

Yeah. It worked on our kids every time.

But just a thimbleful.

Once, Nathan got a full shot
and ended up in a fistfight

with Tom over who was the funniest Muppet.

Come on, Kip, let's go to sleep.

Sweet dreams, my little Eskimo.

Oh, what's happening?

Sorry, it's an old habit.

Yeah.

Oh, Oh, hey.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to cover a big story
about the president...

of the Leesburg Yo-Yo Club.

Oh.

So, insider information--
he's not retiring.

Well, I'm gonna have to mark
you down as tardy. Yeah.

Two more, and I'll have to discipline you.

And I might have to report
you because I'm a reporter.

Oh!

(both laughing)

Uh, yeah, very good.

Uh, I'll take a gin martini, six olives.

And the lady will have...

I'll have an apple juice, straight up.

Ice always makes my teeth
a little too chilly-willy.

(chuckling): Yeah.

Oh.

Apple juice, huh?

Yeah, if I have anything else,

I get a rumbly in my tumbly. (groans)

Okay.

Ah-ah-ah, before you reach,

are you making smart decisions
for your body?

- Well, I guess not.
- (laughs)

Apparently, I'm not making
any smart decisions today.

(laughs)

Yeah, I'm going to need two more of these.

And if Nathan likes
six olives in his martini

and he just ordered two more martinis,

how many olives would Nathan have?

Four more of these.

So she really never stops
talking like that, huh? Wow.

I don't know, man.
I think you're being too picky.

No, man, listen.

At dinner, when I was trying to do the math

to figure out the tip,
she made me show my work.

Oh, Nathan, you got any bourbon?

Yeah, it's in the... it's in the kitchen.

For some strange reason,
I can't fall asleep without it.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

That is strange.

Yeah.

So strange.

Well, I need some more.

Kip's been up for two nights straight,

and not even a yawn.

It's Tom's shift,

and he's trying every trick he knows.

Lucky for you, I have a secret weapon

that has never failed
to put someone to sleep:

a story from my own life.

You have three choices.

Story number one:

"A Day in October."

Story number two:

"The Time I Almost Went to New Jersey."

Story number three:

"The Difficult Jar."

- (phone chimes)
- Oh...

Hang on. Great.

Just got a text from Miss Sparks.

Bunch of smiley faces and hearts.

Hey, is there an emoji for a dump truck?

I want to find a cute way
to let her know it's over.

Wait. What? No, no, no. You
can't stop dating her.

Mikayla hasn't had her interview yet.

Miss Sparks is on the admissions board.

All right. Fine.

So, once Mikayla has
her interview and gets in,

then I can break up with her, right?

Uh, well...

she might end up being her teacher.

I'm sorry. So do I have to date her

all the way until Mikayla's done
with elementary school?

No, of course not.

Valley Pastures is K-through-12.

Oh, come on, Debbie!

Look, I don't know
how long it's gonna take,

but you gotta stick it out
for a little while.

I mean, you're the one
who wanted to be a good uncle.

You know? Her "hero."

Yeah, well, I didn't think

it was going to require... effort.

Fine.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

You're a good uncle.

Yeah. And who knows,
you might end up liking it.

You know, once, I dated a dog trainer.

I gave her the most obedient
years of my life.

To this day, when I get

hit in the nose with a newspaper,

I still think about her.

I'm sorry, why are you
getting hit in the...

Sometimes he misses the toilet.

Do I need to tie you down?

No.

That only gets me more worked up.

(timer dings)

Thank goodness.

It's Tom's turn.

(snoring)

(snorts)

You're up, Tom.

Got it.

Let me just, uh...

(snoring)

You know...

Oh! Tom!

(sighs)

Oh, thank goodness you woke me up.

I was seconds away
from kissing Steve Harvey.

I could still feel his bristly mustache

tickling my lip.

Kip!

(exhales)

(pills rattling)

Wake up, junkie!

You took the pills, junkie!

No, I didn't.

They're all there, I swear.

You can count them if you don't believe me.

I was about to take them,
but then I realized

the only reason I needed those pills

to sleep in the first place

was because Leon was gone and I felt alone.

But then...

I saw you two out there,

so exhausted after three days
of taking care of me.

I just...

I didn't feel so alone anymore.

Next thing I knew,

I was asleep.

(rattling)

They're all here.

Kip...

Aw, Kip...

I'm so proud of you.

So am I.

Your perseverance reminds me

of "The Difficult Jar."

It was 1972.

I had a hankering for some applesauce...

Tom.

You still got it.

Hey, Mikayla, what are you doing here?

My interview got changed to today.

Mom and Dad are inside
for the parent portion.

And what are you doing here?

Well, Miss Sparks and I
are going to dinner.

Spent the entire day trying to find

a four-star restaurant with a kids' menu.

At least you only have her for one night.

I'm gonna have to see her
every day at this stupid school.

What? I thought you loved this place.

No. My parents love it.

I don't want to go to a school
where popularity is based on

who has the smallest carbon footprint

and half my classmates
are still breast-feeding.

I want to learn real skills,

so I can get a cool job

and a stylish condo

and drive an expensive car.

I want to be...

Go ahead, you can say it.

I want to be rich and superficial like you.

Really? You really want to be like me?

Yeah.

Listen... (sighs)

Just because your parents are hippies

doesn't mean that you have to be.

So I want you to march in that room

and tell them who you really are, okay?

Oh! Sorry we're running late, Nathan.

I promise I'll be done

before the big hand kisses
the little hand on the clock.

(smacks lips)

Mikayla, we're ready for you.

Oh, you don't need to come in for this.

Yeah, actually, I do.

Mikayla, thank you for joining
our circle of admission.

My name

is Principal Walters,

but you can call me Chuck,

or any sound that creatively inspires you.

A lot of kids like to call me...

(imitates trumpet fanfare)

I'll just call you Mr. Walters.

- Wait...
- (laughing)

No, honey, what? She's just kidding,

Mr. (imitates trumpet fanfare)

Oh, please.

Mr. (imitates fanfare) is my father's name.

Okay, listen up, weirdos.

Mikayla's got something
she wants to say, okay?

MIKAYLA: Mom,

Dad...

- Maybe it's not the right time.
- You know what?

It's never the right time.

Go ahead, sweetheart.

Mom, Dad...

there's something about myself
that I've been hiding from you.

I want to be a one-percenter.

- (gasps)
- (gasps)

I'm not saying
I don't want to save the whales.

I'd just rather make a fortune
selling an Internet company,

then buy a boat for other people
to save the whales,

while I'm on my own boat getting a massage

from a hot guy...

who probably hasn't even been born yet.

No. No, no, no. Honey, honey, no, no.

You're probably just confused.

No, I'm not.

I've never been so sure
of anything in my whole life.

I want to go to a real school.

With real grades

and sports that cause concussions.

I hope you still love me.

Oh, honey, yeah, come here.

Of course we do.

Okay?

Well, uh, I'm sorry,

but, uh, I think this school
probably isn't for us.

(laughing): That's okay.

I hated you guys anyway.

Yeah, you know, I always suspected this.

Last summer, I found a Forbes magazine

under your mattress.

I don't even understand the articles.

I just like to look at the money.

Well, looks like Mikayla go bye-bye.

Sad face.

Who's ready for some din-din?

Yeah, listen, I'm sorry.
It's not going to work out.

Um, you know, you speak to me
like I'm a child,

and we've been over this a million times:

I'm 43 years old.

Please help me.

Pretty please?

I can't stop.

I've been around little kids for too long.

I used to drink and swear

and make bad decisions.

I weally, weally miss that
person so, so, so, so much!

Can you think of any way to help me?

Well, that fixed it.

Yeah. Happiest I've
ever been to get an "F."

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