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1
00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:05,639
(Ray whoops)
2
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:08,569
Here's to Nathan's mother moving out!
3
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Oh! (cheering, whooping)
4
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:11,309
That's the bubbly.
5
00:00:11,310 --> 00:00:13,010
Now let's get in trouble-y.
6
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:16,249
Do you prefer to be called Nate
7
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,480
or Nathan?
8
00:00:17,490 --> 00:00:18,989
Um, well, either, I guess.
9
00:00:18,990 --> 00:00:19,990
Why?
10
00:00:19,991 --> 00:00:23,019
Because I want to get it right
11
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when I'm screaming your name in ecstasy.
12
00:00:25,030 --> 00:00:27,690
It says �Nathan� on my passport.
13
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(laughs)
14
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:30,799
Sweet little Nathan
15
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,229
In your bed
16
00:00:33,230 --> 00:00:36,299
Open your eyes and lift your head
17
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:40,339
All your dreams will soon come true
18
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:44,609
'Cause Mommy's waiting here for you
19
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Sweet little Nathan...
20
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:47,810
(screams)
21
00:00:47,820 --> 00:00:49,779
No!
22
00:00:49,780 --> 00:00:52,119
Look, Mom, this has got to stop, okay?
23
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,550
We're not... we're not roommates
anymore; we're neighbors.
24
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,059
And neighbors don't just barge
25
00:00:56,060 --> 00:00:57,559
into each other's apartments
and start singing.
26
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,259
And they certainly don't go into the fridge
27
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,590
and cut all the grapes in half.
28
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,660
Every 55 seconds,
a toddler chokes on a grape.
29
00:01:03,670 --> 00:01:04,829
Mom, I am a grown man.
30
00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:06,769
You got to stop trying to take care of me.
31
00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:09,069
I'm sorry, I just didn't
want you to oversleep.
32
00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:10,700
Won't happen again.
33
00:01:10,710 --> 00:01:13,209
If you find a complete,
balanced breakfast downstairs,
34
00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:15,939
just know it was made
before we had this talk.
35
00:01:15,940 --> 00:01:18,179
Mom...
36
00:01:18,180 --> 00:01:19,549
Yes?
37
00:01:19,550 --> 00:01:22,210
You already started singing the song.
38
00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:24,919
You don't finish it, it's gonna
be stuck in my head all day.
39
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,489
Sweet little Nathan
40
00:01:26,490 --> 00:01:28,089
The day's begun
41
00:01:28,090 --> 00:01:29,359
Let's start it out
42
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:30,759
With some tickle fun!
43
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:31,720
(laughing) Oh, Mom!
44
00:01:31,730 --> 00:01:34,290
(laughing): Mom, no, come on...
45
00:01:54,910 --> 00:01:55,780
(laughing) Oh, Mom!
46
00:01:55,781 --> 00:01:57,769
?Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17?
?www.addic7ed.com?
47
00:01:57,770 --> 00:01:59,869
(coughing)
48
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:00,969
(congested): Oh, honey...
49
00:02:00,970 --> 00:02:02,139
I'm still sick.
50
00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:03,809
Are you okay to work at the cafe by yourself?
51
00:02:03,810 --> 00:02:04,909
I can handle it.
52
00:02:04,910 --> 00:02:06,279
As long as both our customers don't come in
53
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,640
at the same time, I'll be fine.
54
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,219
Oh, man. Tom, are you still
on hold with customer service?
55
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,449
Yeah, they think I'll get bored and hang up,
56
00:02:15,450 --> 00:02:17,350
but they picked the wrong retired guy
57
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,219
with nothing to do.
58
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,859
You know what I did last Tuesday?
59
00:02:20,860 --> 00:02:21,860
I spent
60
00:02:21,861 --> 00:02:23,659
the whole day waiting for a butterfly
61
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:26,199
to emerge from a cocoon.
62
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,930
Turned out it was nothing
but a rolled-up Band-Aid.
63
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:32,869
Morning, everybody.
64
00:02:32,870 --> 00:02:35,039
Very big day for me.
65
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,309
Nate's got a big interview
with Metta World Peace.
66
00:02:37,310 --> 00:02:40,640
Wow, oh, my God, Nathan. How exciting.
67
00:02:40,650 --> 00:02:42,509
So is that a person?
68
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,579
Yes, he's a person.
69
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:47,780
I'm... I'm interviewing him
about his new children's book.
70
00:02:47,790 --> 00:02:49,289
He's an NBA legend.
71
00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:50,489
Girls.
72
00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:52,490
Don't know anything about football.
73
00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:55,489
All right.
74
00:02:55,490 --> 00:02:56,659
You ready to go, Mikayla?
75
00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:57,630
Yeah.
76
00:02:57,631 --> 00:02:59,499
I was hoping to wake up with a cold
77
00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:01,629
so I could stay home, too, but no luck.
78
00:03:01,630 --> 00:03:04,069
I guess I chewed on Mom's
toothbrush for nothing.
79
00:03:04,070 --> 00:03:06,130
All right. Bye, sweetie.
80
00:03:06,140 --> 00:03:07,369
- Bye.
- Get some rest, okay?
81
00:03:07,370 --> 00:03:08,900
Okay.
82
00:03:08,910 --> 00:03:10,870
(not congested): God,
I thought they would never leave.
83
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,839
Okay, I'm not really sick.
84
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,940
The cafe isn't bringing
any money in, so I've been
85
00:03:14,950 --> 00:03:16,579
secretly substitute-teaching at the school,
86
00:03:16,580 --> 00:03:18,749
but please, please don't tell Adam, okay?
87
00:03:18,750 --> 00:03:21,480
I don't want him to know that
I've lost faith in our business.
88
00:03:21,490 --> 00:03:23,819
Aw. That's cute.
89
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:25,650
That you still call it a business.
90
00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:29,620
Hey, you know, Debbie's class
91
00:03:29,630 --> 00:03:30,829
would be the perfect setting
92
00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:32,159
for the Metta World Peace interview.
93
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,659
Yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah.
94
00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:35,360
We could... we could film him
reading his children's book
95
00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:36,330
to a room full of kids.
96
00:03:36,331 --> 00:03:37,629
Yeah, it's fine by me.
97
00:03:37,630 --> 00:03:38,830
Really? Oh, my God, thanks.
98
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,999
And-and we promise that you won't be on TV
99
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,139
so Adam won't bust you.
100
00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:43,239
Oh, thanks.
101
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:44,639
There's not much chance of that, though.
102
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,009
He's only watching the Spanish channel
103
00:03:46,010 --> 00:03:48,109
now that he's trying to learn the language.
104
00:03:48,110 --> 00:03:50,879
His favorite show is El Seinfeld.
105
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,050
It's a show about nada.
106
00:03:57,150 --> 00:04:00,459
You know, for a kid's book,
this thing is pretty deep.
107
00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:03,059
�I look into the mirror
and I like what I see.
108
00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:06,459
I am a person who's going to be
the best that I can be.�
109
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:07,730
That's how I feel.
110
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,199
I finally know why women love book clubs.
111
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,370
Drinking.
112
00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:18,709
(knocking at door) CAROL: Nathan?
113
00:04:18,710 --> 00:04:20,239
Nathan, are you home?
114
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:21,609
Shh, it's my mom.
115
00:04:21,610 --> 00:04:22,740
Ever since she moved out,
116
00:04:22,750 --> 00:04:24,379
she's constantly trying to take care of me.
117
00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:27,019
The other morning, I woke up
with a night guard in my mouth.
118
00:04:27,020 --> 00:04:28,719
And I don't even own a night guard.
119
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,280
Nathan, are you in there?
120
00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:33,959
You put a chain on your door?
121
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,589
I had to.
122
00:04:35,590 --> 00:04:37,089
God, I just... She's got to learn
123
00:04:37,090 --> 00:04:38,860
that she can't just barge in here.
124
00:04:41,630 --> 00:04:43,029
What the hell are you doing?
125
00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:45,169
I'm sorry. I heard a fire truck
126
00:04:45,170 --> 00:04:48,770
and I was worried you'd choked
on an uncut grape.
127
00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:53,239
Carol, there's a three-alarmer
down the block.
128
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,279
There's firemen everywhere.
129
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:55,740
I want to get my calendar signed.
130
00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:56,940
Oh.
131
00:04:59,010 --> 00:05:01,079
Children's books?
132
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:03,349
With words.
133
00:05:03,350 --> 00:05:05,550
Nathan...
134
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,050
who's helping you with these?
135
00:05:09,490 --> 00:05:11,829
See, this is another reason
that I wasn't letting you in.
136
00:05:11,830 --> 00:05:13,990
Because wherever you go, this guy follows.
137
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,960
There's Mom! Here comes mini-Mom!
138
00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:19,930
You're being rude.
139
00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:21,440
Very rude.
140
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,109
And I was just trying to help.
141
00:05:25,110 --> 00:05:26,339
Look, I know you were. I know.
142
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:27,509
But you-you know what?
143
00:05:27,510 --> 00:05:28,940
You're never going to grow as a person
144
00:05:28,950 --> 00:05:30,879
if you're so busy trying to take care of me.
145
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,149
So from now on,
146
00:05:32,150 --> 00:05:33,379
think of this hallway
147
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:34,919
as the U.S.
-Mexico border.
148
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,719
You don't cross without my permission
149
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,489
and I won't come over unless I'm drunk
150
00:05:38,490 --> 00:05:40,019
and looking to score cheap medication.
151
00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:41,659
Okay?
152
00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:44,189
Adios, amigos!
153
00:05:44,190 --> 00:05:46,190
He's loco.
154
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,429
Muy loco.
155
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,060
Ray. Yeah.
156
00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:52,469
No, listen, sorry I'm late.
157
00:05:52,470 --> 00:05:55,769
Yes, I know that
the Metta interview is today.
158
00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:57,469
But I just... I overslept, okay?
159
00:05:57,470 --> 00:05:59,639
So just... please don't tell my mother.
160
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,609
Well, just hurry up, man.
161
00:06:01,610 --> 00:06:03,479
Most of these kids think
I'm Metta World Peace.
162
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,980
There you go.
163
00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:09,119
Stay in school.
164
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,919
Okay, I'm on my way.
165
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,989
Here, I'd like to just
166
00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:14,959
- put $50 on pump number six.
- Of course.
167
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,320
As soon as I help this little lollipop
168
00:06:16,330 --> 00:06:17,559
find herself a lollipop.
169
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,129
Now, remember, the flavor you pick
170
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:20,629
says a lot about you.
171
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,659
For instance, blueberry means you're sad.
172
00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:24,460
And cherry means you're sassy.
173
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:25,569
Can I just put the $50 on pump six?
174
00:06:25,570 --> 00:06:27,130
Sir, I am trying to determine
175
00:06:27,140 --> 00:06:28,369
who this little girl is.
176
00:06:28,370 --> 00:06:31,339
She is at a very tender age
of self-discovery.
177
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:33,170
So...
178
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:35,479
I'm thinking about... orange?
179
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,979
CASHIER: Well, don't rush into it.
180
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,379
Have you tried tangerine? What's it like?
181
00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:41,510
It's a lot like orange.
You know what? This is enough.
182
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,419
Time for the grown-ups to go
to work, so just, here.
183
00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:44,819
Take 'em all, on me. There you go.
184
00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:46,149
Merry Christmas. Happy birthday.
185
00:06:46,150 --> 00:06:47,350
Good luck at the dentist.
186
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,860
Put whatever's left on pump number six, okay?
187
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,990
Check it out! That's Metta World Peace!
188
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,200
Daddy...
189
00:06:56,201 --> 00:06:58,129
that stranger right there yelled at me
190
00:06:58,130 --> 00:06:59,770
and made me take all this candy.
191
00:07:00,530 --> 00:07:02,740
(laughs nervously)
192
00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:13,339
Why was he even at that gas station?
193
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:15,479
He's an NBA superstar.
194
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:16,779
When he runs out of gas,
195
00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:18,649
shouldn't he just buy a new car?
196
00:07:18,650 --> 00:07:20,049
Nathan, calm down.
197
00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:21,249
Metta only saw you for a second.
198
00:07:21,250 --> 00:07:22,480
He probably won't even recognize you.
199
00:07:22,490 --> 00:07:23,989
(scoffs) Nice try.
200
00:07:23,990 --> 00:07:25,919
This geometrically ideal bone structure
201
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,459
of mine is pretty unforgettable.
202
00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:29,259
What if we got you a disguise?
203
00:07:29,260 --> 00:07:30,589
Hey, Debbie, you got a lost-and-found box?
204
00:07:30,590 --> 00:07:32,459
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's over there.
205
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:34,129
Maybe we should just...
206
00:07:34,130 --> 00:07:35,960
mess your hair up a little bit.
207
00:07:35,970 --> 00:07:37,969
Never, ever touch my hair.
208
00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:39,969
I did not bring in
22 photos of Brian Williams
209
00:07:39,970 --> 00:07:41,970
to my barber to have you mess it up.
210
00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:45,539
There's nothing but scarves in here.
211
00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:46,670
Who buys a nine-year-old a scarf?
212
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,940
Obviously, they're just gonna lose it!
213
00:07:50,710 --> 00:07:52,910
I got it.
214
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,649
I'm gonna borrow these.
215
00:07:55,650 --> 00:07:58,049
We'll Clark Kent you.
216
00:07:58,050 --> 00:08:00,219
(laughs) Ooh.
217
00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:01,289
Geek chic.
218
00:08:01,290 --> 00:08:02,290
(laughs)
219
00:08:02,291 --> 00:08:04,059
He's coming, he's coming!
220
00:08:04,060 --> 00:08:05,529
All right. Great. Uh, start rolling.
221
00:08:05,530 --> 00:08:06,990
Maybe he'll be too busy playing to the camera
222
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,000
to even recognize me.
223
00:08:08,001 --> 00:08:09,029
Uh, Debbie...
224
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,560
uh, you gotta distract his daughter.
225
00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:11,629
I'm on it. I'm on it.
226
00:08:11,630 --> 00:08:12,630
Okay.
227
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:13,999
(clears throat) Hi. Hi.
228
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,969
Nice to meet you. I'm the teacher, Debbie.
229
00:08:15,970 --> 00:08:16,940
Metta World Peace.
230
00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:17,870
This is my daughter, Diamond.
231
00:08:17,871 --> 00:08:18,939
Oh, hi, sweetie. Hi.
232
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:20,070
Why don't you, um,
233
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,439
why don't you come stand over here with me?
234
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,940
Oh, my goodness,
what beautiful eyelids you have.
235
00:08:23,950 --> 00:08:26,880
Can you close you eyes so
I can get a better look at 'em?
236
00:08:27,980 --> 00:08:30,019
Hey, kids, look who's here.
237
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:32,289
It's NBA superstar slash author
238
00:08:32,290 --> 00:08:34,819
slash ambassador of all things
calm and reasonable,
239
00:08:34,820 --> 00:08:35,989
Metta World Peace!
240
00:08:35,990 --> 00:08:38,789
Thank you. It's an honor to be here with...
241
00:08:38,790 --> 00:08:40,859
So, uh, Metta, listen,
I really loved your book,
242
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:42,829
uh, Metta World Peaceand Love Stories.
243
00:08:42,830 --> 00:08:44,969
I, um... Have we met before?
244
00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:46,169
Oh, well, not unless you volunteer at
245
00:08:46,170 --> 00:08:47,230
the Be Nice to Children's Hospital,
246
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,369
'cause I'm there all the time.
247
00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:49,969
Anyway, my favorite part of your book was...
248
00:08:49,970 --> 00:08:51,139
Wait a second.
249
00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:53,910
Diamond, is this the man
who threw lollipops at you?
250
00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:56,040
That's him.
251
00:08:56,050 --> 00:08:57,709
He yelled at me and his breath was stinky.
252
00:08:57,710 --> 00:09:00,179
Hey, I left the house quick
this morning, all right?
253
00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:01,679
And �yelled� is a very strong...
254
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,849
I just told her that orange and
tangerine were similar flavors.
255
00:09:03,850 --> 00:09:05,719
No, they're not. They're wildly different.
256
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:09,560
You've been feeding my daughter
lollipops and lies.
257
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:12,459
Hey, I really didn't mean...
258
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:14,029
Maybe you should see what it feels like
259
00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:15,699
when someone bigger makes you afraid.
260
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:17,229
Listen, Mr. Peace,
261
00:09:17,230 --> 00:09:19,369
the kids came here to hear about your book,
262
00:09:19,370 --> 00:09:20,630
not to watch us fight.
263
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:22,669
(chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
264
00:09:22,670 --> 00:09:23,969
Fight! Fight! No, no, no, no, no.
265
00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:25,639
What makes you think we're gonna fight?
266
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,309
Maybe I'm just gonna yell at you
267
00:09:27,310 --> 00:09:29,009
like you yelled at my daughter Diamond.
268
00:09:29,010 --> 00:09:30,380
(grunts) (children continue chanting)
269
00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:32,679
What's happening?
270
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:33,779
Can't see anything!
271
00:09:33,780 --> 00:09:36,850
Why am I off the ground?
272
00:09:38,650 --> 00:09:41,659
I couldn't see anything
through those glasses.
273
00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:43,920
I thought that little girl was a chair.
274
00:09:45,260 --> 00:09:46,429
And where were you, Ray?
275
00:09:46,430 --> 00:09:47,829
You're supposed to have my back.
276
00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:49,259
No, I told you I have your back
277
00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:51,760
for anyone under five-seven
and below 200 pounds.
278
00:09:53,630 --> 00:09:55,069
Great. I'll let you know
279
00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:57,469
if I ever get attacked by Jason Alexander.
280
00:09:57,470 --> 00:09:58,739
Nathan...
281
00:09:58,740 --> 00:10:00,939
Nathan, I came over as soon as I heard.
282
00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:01,940
What happened?
283
00:10:01,941 --> 00:10:03,609
As soon as you heard?
284
00:10:03,610 --> 00:10:04,740
How'd you hear anything?
285
00:10:04,750 --> 00:10:05,879
Well, I didn't hear anything.
286
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,049
I put it together.
287
00:10:07,050 --> 00:10:08,719
I saw that your car
288
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:09,680
was parked crooked,
289
00:10:09,681 --> 00:10:11,349
so I knew you came home agitated.
290
00:10:11,350 --> 00:10:12,919
And from the footprints across the lawn,
291
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,750
I could tell you were in such a hurry
292
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,459
that you didn't bother with the sidewalk.
293
00:10:16,460 --> 00:10:18,189
I thought it was a bathroom emergency,
294
00:10:18,190 --> 00:10:19,889
but then I didn't hear a toilet flush.
295
00:10:19,890 --> 00:10:21,459
That's when I knew to come in!
296
00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:22,729
How can I help?
297
00:10:22,730 --> 00:10:24,699
It'd be a huge help
if you could figure out a way
298
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,069
to keep my neighbor from bothering me.
299
00:10:26,070 --> 00:10:27,169
Which one?
300
00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:28,330
That Saudi upstairs,
301
00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:30,400
or the other... No, the Saudi is Italian
302
00:10:30,410 --> 00:10:32,470
and I'm talking about you!
303
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:36,379
Uh, Nathan, you better look at this.
304
00:10:36,380 --> 00:10:38,279
In strange news out of Virginia,
305
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,549
it appears basketball star Metta World Peace
306
00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:41,649
had quite a disagreement
307
00:10:41,650 --> 00:10:43,719
with local news reporter Nathan Miller
308
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,219
in an elementary school.
309
00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:46,649
You destroyed the tape, right?
310
00:10:46,650 --> 00:10:47,850
Of course.
311
00:10:47,860 --> 00:10:49,189
Despite the chaos,
312
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,689
some students managed to capture
313
00:10:50,690 --> 00:10:53,959
the act of stupidity and
cowardice on their cell phones.
314
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,659
(children chanting)
Maybe I'll just yell at you
315
00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:57,229
like you yelled at my daughter Diamond.
316
00:10:57,230 --> 00:10:58,299
What's happening?
317
00:10:58,300 --> 00:10:59,599
Can't see anything!
318
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,269
Why am I off the ground?
319
00:11:01,270 --> 00:11:03,099
JULIE CHEN: I mean,
I don't know about you guys,
320
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:05,800
but as a mother, when I hear
of someone using a child
321
00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:08,239
as a human shield...
322
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,979
I, for one, am against that.
323
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:12,479
Moms, am I right?
324
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,649
(cheering)
325
00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:17,119
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.
326
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,250
No, no, no! Not �main menu.�
I didn't say �main menu�!
327
00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:24,989
Representative.
328
00:11:24,990 --> 00:11:27,430
(reporter speaking Spanish)
329
00:11:31,970 --> 00:11:34,700
?Qu? demonios?
330
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:41,439
Sin mocos.
331
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,009
JIM ROME: Metta World Peace is one
of the most intimidating players
332
00:11:44,010 --> 00:11:45,640
in the history of the NBA.
333
00:11:45,650 --> 00:11:48,349
But we've finally found somebody
who could stop him:
334
00:11:48,350 --> 00:11:51,480
a coward holding a nine-year-old girl.
335
00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,619
As a father myself, I am impressed
336
00:11:53,620 --> 00:11:55,450
that Metta World Peace didn't hit him.
337
00:11:55,460 --> 00:11:56,719
If it were me,
338
00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,189
I would've gone Metta World War
on Nathan Miller.
339
00:12:00,190 --> 00:12:02,759
(laughing hysterically)
340
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,660
Metta World War!
341
00:12:05,670 --> 00:12:07,830
I love wordplay.
342
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,969
It's on every channel except Al Jazeera.
343
00:12:11,970 --> 00:12:13,910
Nope, there it is.
344
00:12:15,470 --> 00:12:16,779
Good to see those guys laughing.
345
00:12:16,780 --> 00:12:17,809
(chuckles)
346
00:12:17,810 --> 00:12:19,540
Okay, okay. Don't worry.
347
00:12:19,550 --> 00:12:21,310
Don't worry. I can fix this.
348
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,049
First, we need to get the phone
numbers of all those TV hosts,
349
00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:26,119
then lure them into texting us pictures
350
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,349
of their private parts...
351
00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:29,250
No, no, no, no, no!
352
00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:30,589
No!
353
00:12:30,590 --> 00:12:32,359
You're not doing that.
354
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,489
You're not doing anything.
355
00:12:33,490 --> 00:12:35,659
The only thing I want you to do is nothing.
356
00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:36,959
Understand?
357
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,460
Listen, I understand
you don't want me coming over
358
00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:42,199
for the piddly stuff,
like waking you up on time
359
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,499
or dumping out your expired milk.
360
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,139
But this is a big problem.
361
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,239
And big problems are what
mothers have trained for
362
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,610
their whole lives!
363
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,040
I'm ready, son.
364
00:12:52,050 --> 00:12:54,250
Put me in.
365
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:57,819
I'm not putting you in.
366
00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:00,280
No, no, no.
367
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:01,649
I'm putting you out!
368
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:04,459
I'm a grown man and I do not need your help.
369
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:05,959
Fine.
370
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,659
You don't have to tell me
more than three separate times.
371
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,659
You want to be on your own?
372
00:13:10,660 --> 00:13:12,429
You are on your own.
373
00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:14,199
Consider the cord...
374
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,400
cut.
375
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,539
Well, don't worry, man.
376
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:19,869
This will all blow over
377
00:13:19,870 --> 00:13:22,139
when the next, bigger story
knocks it off the front page.
378
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:24,279
I'm sure there's some celebrity
who's about to go into rehab.
379
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,440
(Ray chuckling)
380
00:13:25,450 --> 00:13:26,640
Watch.
381
00:13:26,650 --> 00:13:29,179
Where's Entertainment Tonight at?
382
00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:32,280
It may seem like a scene
from the newest Taken sequel,
383
00:13:32,290 --> 00:13:34,889
but even Liam Neeson
couldn't save this little girl.
384
00:13:34,890 --> 00:13:37,559
I have to warn you,
this clip is rated �R�
385
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,020
for �Really, Nathan Miller?�
386
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,849
Welcome back. Tony Kornheiser with you,
387
00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:50,510
and there's a lot of hoo-ha going on
388
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,349
about local newscaster Nathan Miller.
389
00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:53,649
So let's go to the phones.
390
00:13:53,650 --> 00:13:55,449
Bill in Arlington.
391
00:13:55,450 --> 00:13:56,549
Yeah, how you doing, Tony?
392
00:13:56,550 --> 00:13:58,419
Uh, I just gotta say, I think that
393
00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,919
that Nathan Miller's a real hero.
394
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,089
You know?
395
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,729
I think if you... if you look
at that classroom,
396
00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:05,729
that, uh, that terrarium looks
like it's... like it's broken.
397
00:14:05,730 --> 00:14:08,099
Matter of fact, uh, I think that, uh,
398
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:10,370
that floor might be covered in scorpions.
399
00:14:11,670 --> 00:14:13,499
Bill, you're a dope.
400
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:14,669
Hey, listen, Tony, let me...
401
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:16,509
Oh, God, I think he hung up on me.
402
00:14:16,510 --> 00:14:18,770
- What's wrong with the...
- All right, we've got all their other lines tied up?
403
00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:20,409
Yeah, I got a whole roll
of fake callers here,
404
00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:21,340
ready to defend you.
405
00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:23,379
How are you with foreign accents?
406
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:24,649
Well...
407
00:14:24,650 --> 00:14:25,979
TONY: Let's go back to the phones.
408
00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:26,980
This is interesting.
409
00:14:26,981 --> 00:14:28,349
We have Colleen on the line...
410
00:14:28,350 --> 00:14:30,990
all the way from Ireland?
411
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,489
A woman from Ireland?
412
00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:35,990
I hope you ate
your Lucky Charms this morning.
413
00:14:37,090 --> 00:14:39,130
(bad Irish accent):
Top o' the morning to you, Tony.
414
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:42,899
NATHAN (Irish accent):
and it takes quite the upper body strength
415
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,099
to lift a wee child with only your arms.
416
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:47,369
I should know. I've got 11.
417
00:14:47,370 --> 00:14:49,509
Children, not arms.
418
00:14:49,510 --> 00:14:50,940
(coughing)
419
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,140
(congested): Oh, honey...
420
00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:57,309
I'm so sorry, I just feel worse than ever.
421
00:14:57,310 --> 00:14:58,310
Mmm.
422
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,849
Poor baby. Still sick, huh?
423
00:14:59,850 --> 00:15:01,380
That bug has really got you down.
424
00:15:01,390 --> 00:15:03,689
Yeah. Just can't seem to shake it.
425
00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:04,819
Well, don't worry.
426
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:06,659
I have just the thing
to make you feel better.
427
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,659
It's Mikayla's old snot sucker
from when she was a baby.
428
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:10,629
Yeah, just shove this in your nose
429
00:15:10,630 --> 00:15:12,059
and I'll suck the sickness right out of you.
430
00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:13,729
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I don't think we need to...
431
00:15:13,730 --> 00:15:15,360
I mean, I think we just
need to give the medicine
432
00:15:15,370 --> 00:15:16,569
a chance to do its work.
433
00:15:16,570 --> 00:15:17,629
No, no, don't be silly.
434
00:15:17,630 --> 00:15:18,869
You're sick. Just tilt your head back.
435
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:20,239
Oh, no, no. I think it's more
436
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,140
congestion than snot. I... Oop, there we go.
437
00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:29,679
Ah, I know you're not sick!
438
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,279
I saw you on la televisi?n.
439
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,419
What were you doing down at that school?
440
00:15:34,420 --> 00:15:35,519
I was subbing, okay?
441
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:36,849
We needed to pay the bills.
442
00:15:36,850 --> 00:15:38,019
I didn't want you to think
443
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,289
that I'd given up on the cafe.
444
00:15:39,290 --> 00:15:40,319
Wait.
445
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,689
- You've given up on the cafe?
- No.
446
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,729
Maybe.
447
00:15:43,730 --> 00:15:45,329
I don't know.
448
00:15:45,330 --> 00:15:46,629
Okay, would it help your decision
449
00:15:46,630 --> 00:15:49,099
if I told you that I gave up
on it a long time ago?
450
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,669
Wait, you did?
451
00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:52,069
Yeah. (sighs)
452
00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:54,369
Even my fake Yelp review for the cafe
453
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,940
only gave us two stars.
454
00:15:57,310 --> 00:15:59,470
Wait, are... are you saying
what I think you are?
455
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:00,609
(sighs)
456
00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:01,979
Let's do what the health inspector's
457
00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:03,240
been trying to do for years.
458
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:04,579
Let's close down the cafe.
459
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:05,250
Oh, hon...
460
00:16:05,251 --> 00:16:06,919
Hello?
461
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,549
They finally picked up.
462
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,389
Yes, my name is Tom Miller,
463
00:16:11,390 --> 00:16:13,860
and I have been on hold since Thursday.
464
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,029
I called because you asked
if I wanted to be part
465
00:16:18,030 --> 00:16:19,929
of a customer survey.
466
00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:21,559
Well, I wanted to tell you
467
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,430
that I do not.
468
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,200
Metta.
469
00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:32,639
Hey, listen, if this is about
those callers on the radio,
470
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,709
I have no idea
471
00:16:34,710 --> 00:16:37,579
what those people with amazing
accents were talking about.
472
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,210
I like a little
473
00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:40,649
whiskey in my coffee, too.
474
00:16:40,650 --> 00:16:42,349
(laughing) Oh, Nathan, you're home.
475
00:16:42,350 --> 00:16:44,889
Now, l-listen. I-I-I know
476
00:16:44,890 --> 00:16:46,550
I told you I wouldn't interfere again,
477
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,519
but I couldn't help myself.
478
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,889
This was just too big.
479
00:16:49,890 --> 00:16:51,129
Hello.
480
00:16:51,130 --> 00:16:52,229
I'm Metta's mother.
481
00:16:52,230 --> 00:16:53,959
Carol was kind enough to track me down
482
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,260
at the hotel and tell me what was going on.
483
00:16:56,270 --> 00:16:57,599
My instincts told me
484
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,900
Metta's a man who travels with his mother.
485
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,100
Nathan, sit down.
486
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:04,270
You, too, Metta.
487
00:17:04,970 --> 00:17:07,110
Sit down.
488
00:17:10,210 --> 00:17:11,949
I came to apologize for my son.
489
00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:13,479
But, Mom...
490
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,779
he yelled at Diamond.
491
00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:16,349
I know what he did,
492
00:17:16,350 --> 00:17:17,849
but two wrongs don't make a right.
493
00:17:17,850 --> 00:17:20,319
Now, we're gonna set things straight
494
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,989
with this Brian Williams wannabe.
495
00:17:21,990 --> 00:17:23,320
Oh, gosh, thank you.
496
00:17:23,330 --> 00:17:24,490
(laughs)
497
00:17:26,190 --> 00:17:28,359
You know how intimidating you can be,
498
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,660
especially with someone smaller,
499
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:32,469
weaker, less successful...
500
00:17:32,470 --> 00:17:33,370
He gets it. He's good.
501
00:17:33,371 --> 00:17:34,469
And you.
502
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,539
Who do you think you are, yelling at a child?
503
00:17:36,540 --> 00:17:38,470
A Russian gymnastics coach?
504
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,709
You both need to sit here
until you've worked this out.
505
00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:42,779
METTA'S MOTHER: Mm-hmm.
506
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:44,140
And you, Carol, need to put
507
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,449
some more whiskey in this mug.
508
00:17:45,450 --> 00:17:47,310
Girl, it's starting to taste like coffee.
509
00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:50,019
I'm sorry, I didn't know you well enough
510
00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:52,219
to give you a Carol pour. (laughs)
511
00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:54,389
Mothers, huh?
512
00:17:54,390 --> 00:17:56,389
Tell me about it. Mine lives across the hall.
513
00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:57,390
Yeah?
514
00:17:57,391 --> 00:17:58,459
At least you can move.
515
00:17:58,460 --> 00:18:00,159
I bought my mother the house next door.
516
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,760
She's not going anywhere.
517
00:18:02,770 --> 00:18:04,900
You're looking at Everybody Loves Metta.
518
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,630
Listen, I'm sorry about the other day.
519
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,769
I... I was just really
stressed out about being late
520
00:18:09,770 --> 00:18:11,439
and you're the biggest interview of my life,
521
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,039
but I... I shouldn't have
yelled at your daughter.
522
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,139
Ah, it's all right.
523
00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:16,640
She should've just picked a lollipop.
524
00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:19,149
Indecision runs in my family.
525
00:18:19,150 --> 00:18:20,879
That's why I keep changing my name.
526
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,080
(chuckles)
527
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,449
I'm just worried my career's over.
528
00:18:25,450 --> 00:18:27,489
And if people think
I can't control my temper,
529
00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:29,989
nobody's gonna buy my children's books.
530
00:18:29,990 --> 00:18:32,129
I've never wanted to be the next Dr. J.
531
00:18:32,130 --> 00:18:34,330
I've always wanted to be the next Dr. Seuss.
532
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,399
I'd rather write.
533
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,999
Write all night.
534
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,669
To write all night
535
00:18:40,670 --> 00:18:42,769
would be such a delight.
536
00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:44,139
That's pretty good.
537
00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:46,770
You know, I-I think that if...
538
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,109
if we work together,
539
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:50,440
there just might be a way out of this.
540
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:55,819
So what you're telling America
541
00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:58,219
is that this whole thing was a staged prank?
542
00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,549
Brilliant, right, James?
543
00:18:59,550 --> 00:19:01,189
Yeah, it was actually all Metta's idea.
544
00:19:01,190 --> 00:19:03,520
And all I had to do was act scared.
545
00:19:03,530 --> 00:19:06,289
Emma did a great job as our human shield.
546
00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:08,490
His big head stretched out my glasses.
547
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:09,559
Okay.
548
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,229
(chuckles)
549
00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:13,069
I knew this video would go viral
550
00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:14,869
and bring attention to the issue of bullying.
551
00:19:14,870 --> 00:19:16,469
It's no good, kids.
552
00:19:16,470 --> 00:19:18,000
That's why we're all better off
553
00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:19,839
choosing World Peace
554
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,139
and Love Stories.
555
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:23,979
Well, you fooled us.
556
00:19:23,980 --> 00:19:26,679
Now back to the crisis in Syria.
557
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:27,749
Guys... we did it!
558
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,419
You had nothing to do with it, Kip.
559
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:31,649
The three of us have a fun time, don't we?
560
00:19:31,650 --> 00:19:33,249
CAROL: I'm just glad
561
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:34,220
it all worked out.
562
00:19:34,221 --> 00:19:36,789
And I promise, this is the last time
563
00:19:36,790 --> 00:19:38,420
I will ever interfere.
564
00:19:38,430 --> 00:19:41,290
Well, Mom, that is...
565
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:42,960
a promise that you cannot keep.
566
00:19:44,870 --> 00:19:47,099
And also one that I don't want you to make,
567
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,999
'cause you know what? I was wrong.
568
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,099
Without you finding Metta's mom,
569
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,669
there's no way I would've figured out
570
00:19:51,670 --> 00:19:53,009
a way out of this, so...
571
00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:55,639
as much as I hate to admit it...
572
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,509
I do sometimes need your help.
573
00:19:57,510 --> 00:19:59,140
Thank you.
574
00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:00,879
And I'm sure you've had a long day
575
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,010
and you're ready for bed.
576
00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:03,450
I am very tired.
577
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,500
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578
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:13,100
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