All language subtitles for The Millers s02e02 Reunited and It Feels So Bad.eng

Game show marathon and Chinese food.

What could make this night any better?

A round of "Boink, Marry, Kill"?

BOTH: Ooh! (laugh)

Okay, you have to choose
to "Boink, Marry or Kill"

Bob Barker, Pat Sajak and skinny Drew Carey.

Okay, I'd boink Drew Carey.

Marry Pat Sajak, so I could
boink him all the time.

And I don't want to kill anybody,

so I'd just break Bob Barker's hip

and let God do the rest.

What about you, Nathan?

I-I'm not doing this.

It's just a game, honey.

No, no. I mean I'm not coming
over here for dinner anymore.

Oh, let's see what's behind door number one.

It's an exit!

I win!

Dad, don't worry.

We'll figure out why
your bank balance is off.

What is this $300 monthly charge
for Chuck E. Cheese's?

Oh. No, no. That was my idea.

He does skee ball and Whac-A-Mole.

It's really his only cardio.

Oh, I see.

Plus the calories I burn running
to the parking lot from security

when they realize I'm not there with a kid.

Tom, you're not gonna believe this.

You know that banquet hall
we booked in advance

to celebrate our big wedding
anniversary this year?

I completely forgot about that.

I've been so busy celebrating our breakup.

I hear that!

(both laugh)

I'd forgotten, too,
until they called to confirm.

And you won't believe what
they're charging us to cancel.

"$900. McGee's Banquet Hall"

It's right here on your account.

Just before an... $86
charge for frozen yogurt?

I forgot to put the handle
back up on the self-serve.

$86?

Tom, you have to stop being
an idiot with our savings.

Half that money you're wasting is mine!

I waste money? I paid half for you and Kip

to go see Olivia Newton John in concert.

Wasn't just Olivia.

It was Olivia, Cher and Madonna.

All done by one amazing young man.

Okay, can we agree it's time
you two split up your finances

and officially file for divorce?

Or not!

Maybe, uh...

Maybe things are fine the way they are.

Wait a second, I thought
you guys already were divorced.

Not officially.

And maybe things are fine the way they are.

No, Debbie's right.

We've avoided the paperwork long enough.

It's time to make it official.

Or maybe things are fine the way they are!

Tom, what do you say we get together

and hash out all the details?

Is next Wednesday good?

Sounds cool to me.

Ah, then we're all set.

I got to go.

I have a ballroom dance class,
and there are only three men.

If I don't get there early,
I'll end up with Esther again.

And she's on a scooter.

Nice, Debbie.

This past year has been the best
this family has ever functioned.

You ever heard of the saying,

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"?

No.

Yes, you have!

Everybody...

- Right, Adam?
- No, I never heard of it.

(stutters angrily)

God.

Great, now I got to go cancel
my plans for Wednesday night

and make sure this whole thing doesn't turn

into a giant train wreck.

Train wreck? Why would they be on trains?

It's a saying!

I never heard of it.

Yeah, and, uh, according to the Internet,

there's nothing about "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it"

Are you guys...?

Is this whole place...?

Am I the only one...?

That was pretty fun.

Yeah, we got to screw with him more often.

Okay, we're all set for
my mom and dad to come over

and sign their divorce papers.

Snacks are out, you're getting the drinks,

and I have 911 on speed dial.

Hey, don't worry, Nate.

It's impossible for people to fight

when they got an umbrella drink
in their hand.

Hey, you never saw Mrs. Howell

throw a punch at Gilligan did you?

DEBBIE: Okay, we're here.

I'll tell you one thing,
if your mother thinks

she's getting half of
my binoculars, she's crazy.

If I showed to my bird club with one nocular,

they'd laugh me out of the forest.

Yeah. Yeah, we'll figure it out, Dad.

Tom, would you like a cr?me de menthe?

Mmm, cr?me de menthe, I'd love some.

I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

Nathan, I hope it's okay, but
Kip insisted on coming along.

I will be acting as
your mother's attorney today.

I have an extensive legal background.

I was a court stenographer

for 16... days.

Apparently, asking them to
talk slower is "unprofessional"

Well, no need, Kip.

While I'm impressed that, uh,

your briefcase doubles as a backgammon board,

I had some papers drawn up by a real lawyer.

And you'll see that
everything has been divided

fair and square, right, Ray?

Oh, yeah. Uh, Carol, can
I interest you in a cocktail?

Oh, mahalo.

Well, it all sounds good to me.

Tom, I'm ready to sign if you are.

Ready? I can't wait.

I've been dreaming of this
since the honeymoon.

Wait, what is this? "No Fault Divorce"?

This isn't a "No Fault Divorce."

We need one that says "His Fault Divorce."

"His Fault"?

We both want this divorce.

True, but you're the one
who ended the marriage

by walking out on me.

So, technically, it is your fault.

What?! The only reason I walked out is

'cause you'd constantly
criticize everything I did!

I mean, how does someone blink wrong?!

Your blinks are too long!

They're like tiny naps!

Driving in the car with you is terrifying.

Okay. Guys, guys. You both want this divorce,

so who cares whose fault it was?

I do!

When historians look back on the record,

I want it to reflect the truth.

What historians? This is nuts!

- I will never sign a "No Fault Divorce."
- Me neither!

Well, I guess we're still married then.

Great! Let's stay married!

Guess I'll be moving back into
the house with you then!

Fantastic!

Wait, my house.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

See you at home, honey!

Can't wait, sweetie!

I'll pack my stuff!

What just happened?

I guess Mrs. Howell wants
to get off the island.

Okay. Well, I better go get Adam and Mikayla.

We're gonna sleep here tonight.

Wait, what?

Yeah, you remember how intense

their fighting used to be.

They used to scream so loud,

we lost two pet hamsters to heart attacks.

I don't want to bury my daughter
in a shoe box in the backyard.

Well, my work here is done.

If anybody would like
to play backgammon with me,

I'll be across the hall.

Uh...

Oh, my God.

They've been alone 24 hours,
and they've destroyed my house.

It looks like there was a struggle.

You don't think your father did
something to my Carol, do you?

No, please.

If anything, I'm worried about Dad.

Mom gets road rage while
she's still in the driveway.

You might be right.

(sniffs loudly)

This is Tom's smelly loafer.

It looks like she overpowered Tom

and then dragged his lifeless body upstairs.

Oh, no.

I might be partially responsible.

I-I was the one who taught her
"Boink, Marry, Kill."

(all screaming)

How did this happen?

Well, your mother has a bad
back, so mostly missionary...

No, no, n-n-no! God!

What?

This is so much worse than when we thought

you'd killed each other.

We're as surprised as you are.

Neither of us saw this coming.

I came over here hotter than
an Orlando parking lot in July,

ready to pick up our marriage
where we left off.

Great!

I'm here 30 seconds,
and you've already dumped out

your dirty laundry for me!

Hey, those are clean!

Debbie taught me how to do laundry!

She also taught me how to mend my clothes.

So, zip it before I sew it shut.

CAROL: But your father wasn't the same person

I was married to a year ago.

TOM: Truth was we'd both
gone through some changes.

I'm out of blood pressure medicine,

and since I'm gonna be around you,

I'm gonna need all I can get!

Great! My favorite hummingbird
was just gorging on nectar.

But I guess Kevin will have to wait

so I can drive you to the store!

I have a driver's license now;
I can take myself!

Enjoy your birdies, you loon!

TOM: We were trying our best to fight,

but all of our old arguments
weren't working anymore.

CAROL: Before we knew it, we were running out

of stuff to be mad about.

I bought you three kinds of soup

'cause I know how much you love soup!

I do love soup. But I already cooked dinner.

I made an extra plate if you want it!

Well, thank you!

I am kind of hungry!

I thought you might be!

And I put some fresh Parmesan on it

because I know you like that!

How thoughtful!

I like cheese!

CAROL: And then we realized
that changing who we were

wasn't the only thing we had in common.

Wait a second.

Are you watching Game of Thrones?

You can't like Game of Thrones.

Why not?

Because I like Game of Thrones.

And we haven't agreed on
a TV show since the O.J. trial.

I don't know why they didn't
bring that show back

for a second season.

(both laughing)

And before you knew it, we were
upstairs, adding a new memory

to his memory foam mattress.

Okay.

All right. So what?

S-So you had one last hurrah.

No, more like three-and-a-half hurrahs.

Your father got a charley horse.

Okay. Well...

the only hurrah that matters is the last one,

so here are your divorce papers to sign.

Actually, we were just
talking about this, and, um...

your father and I are
gonna give this another go.

Oh, my God. You've broken your children.

We're gonna stay married.

No, no, no, no. This is a terrible idea.

Why are you doing this?

Everything was perfect.

You two were barely speaking.

All was right with the world,
and she ruined it!

Hey, hey.

I-I had no idea this would
turn into such a train wreck.

Aha! I knew you knew that expression!

You know, Carol, aside from the fact

that you're making the biggest
mistake of your life,

where does this leave me?

Every frozen food we bought was for two!

And do you know how stupid I'm gonna look

alone on our tandem bike?

This just isn't meant to be.

Okay? Just because something is
sweet in the moment doesn't mean

that you can change the laws of nature.

Like... like when you see
a gorilla playing with a kitten.

You think, "Aw, how sweet."

But pretty soon, that kitten is
gonna get his head twisted off.

In the time we were apart, your
mother and I fixed the things

we hated about each other.

And rediscovered the reasons we fell in love.

And on a slightly related topic,

Debbie, you're out of baby oil.

Guys, you are a terrible
combination of two great things.

You know, you're like texting and driving.

NATHAN: If you want to
see a compatible couple,

- look at Debbie and Adam.
- Aw, Nathan.

There's no denying that there's
only one lid for that Crock-Pot.

Even Ray and I are
more compatible than you two.

We thought you'd be happy.

Isn't this what you all have
been rooting for all along?

BOTH: No!

I mean, we just bought
a Snuggie with four arms.

What am I gonna do, put my legs through it?

Clearly, we aren't making any headway here.

But I do know one way
to get through to Carol Miller,

and that's by speaking
a language she understands.

The Wrongly-Wed Game!

(game show music playing)

And here's your host, Kip Finkle.

Welcome to The Wrongly-Wed Game,

where couples put their lack
of compatibility to the test.

Let's welcome our couples.

Couple number one has been married nine years

and have a daughter
that's eight-and-a-half...

you do the math.

Ladies and gentlemen, Debbie and Alan.

- Adam.
- That's right.

Okay, couple number two
are long-time work spouses

who just celebrated the ten-year anniversary

of being each other's emergency
contacts, Nathan and Ray.

(imitates explosion)

And finally,

the worst marriage
since labradors and poodles...

hey, scientists, stay out of my dogs...

let's welcome couple number three,

Carol and Tom.

If this is what it takes to prove

that we're truly meant to be together,

then let the game begin.

We should be up by a point
because we already scored today.

And keeping score tonight

will be the lovely Mikayla!

Hey, Mikayla,

have you ever seen Vanna White talk? Okay?

Question number one,

if your spouse could have one superpower,

what would they choose?

Uh-huh, we just talked about this.

Invisibility.

KIP: Ah.

(bell dings)

I would hug people at funerals,

and they'd think it was their loved ones.

Nathan, you're up. Ray's superpower.

Oh, that's easy.

Uh, perfect memory.

Aw, man, that's better than what I wrote.

(bell dings)

Oh. (laughs)

I forgot, I did write that!

(laughs): Forgot!

Okay, Carol.

This is an easy one for
a history buff like Tom...

time travel.

(buzzer sounds)

I like dogs, I want to know
why they don't like me.

If you and your spouse
could take a dream vacation,

where would it be?

Uh-huh, Nantucket.

(bell dings)

There's a man from there

whose hand I've always wanted to shake.

Carol.

Tom and I would go

to the same heavenly place
we went for 40 years...

Nags Head, North Carolina.

(buzzer sounds)

Your spouse has just won a million dollars;

what is the first thing
he would do with the money?

Nathan.

Well...

I know his mom needs a house,
but I'm gonna go with

put a lazy river between
his apartment and work.

(chuckles)

(bell dings)

Carol, you're up.

I believe the first thing Tom would do

- with the money is invest it.
- Oh, great.

And, Tom, how did you get this one wrong?

(buzzer sounds)

I'm out of vitamins.

Time for the bonus round.

It's Sunday night, you've got
the house to yourselves;

what do you do, Alan?

- Still Adam.
- Alden.

I can't say it with Mikayla listening.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Honey, shut your eyes and plug your ears.

Read Mikayla's diary.

It's so cute.

You should see the way she spells "marijuana"

Ray.

Um, I'm gonna go with we
massage each other's shoulders

and swear it never happened.

(bell dings)

Okay, let's play, let's play.

Let's play.

Tom and Carol, can you make it
a perfect zero?

Oh, I don't know.

Watch Game of Thrones.

"Watch Game of Thrones!"

(screams)

See! You are wrong!

We are meant to be together!

Oh, you got one question right.

Congratulations.

You tied Debbie's S.A.T. score.

But it was the bonus question...

the most important question of all.

And look at us, still finding
new things to bond over,

like our love of Game of Thrones.

That's because as we've grown up and matured,

we're able to sit there without fighting

and enjoy the intricate storytelling

and subtle allegories...

And boobs.

What?

I like the boobs; that's why I watch.

Are you kidding me?

So, in the middle of Game of Thrones,

when you turned to me and said,

"This show is having a deep effect on me,"

you were just getting worked up
over the boobies?

Baby, no. Of course not.

I also like the butts.

My man.

Well, this makes perfect sense
coming from a guy

who wants to be able to talk to dogs!

The Andersons' poodle
snarls at me for no reason.

No reason!

This is exactly why we got
all the questions wrong!

Oh, this is my fault?!

Classic Carol!

My answers can't be wrong.

They're my answers.

You were supposed to guess them!

Which was easy when you used to have

the common sense just to think
what I told you to think!

Yeah? Well, now I think on my own!

And I think I want a divorce!

CAROL: Well, look at that!

So do I!

Finally, we agree on something!

(bell dings) We have a loser!

Congratulations.

Well, all you have to do is sign.

I can't believe we stayed
married as long as we did.

We're total opposites.

(laughs): What were we thinking?

This is kind of sad though.

I mean, our marriage almost lasted 50 years,

and we're gonna end it
with a couple of signatures

like... like we're renting a car.

Mom, come on.

Life doesn't end when you return a rental.

I'm sure some sensible man in the Midwest

will buy you at auction.

We did have some good times.

Plus a couple of wonderful kids.

You're right.

Our marriage does deserve a better send-off.

Carol Miller, will you do me
the honor of un-marrying me?

You've just made me the
happiest woman on earth.

We did it! (laughs)

Stop it!

In a minute, in a minute.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to witness the uncoupling
of Tom and Carol Miller.

If their marriage has taught us anything,

it's that love is patient, love is kind,

but also sometimes love is wrong.

Do you, Carol,

take Tom to be your lawfully-wedded husband?

Do you promise to pull spinach
out of his teeth,

patrol his nose and ears for hair,

and to always repeat the
punch line to every joke on TV,

in sickness and in health?

I do not.

And do you, Tom, take Carol
to be your lawfully-wedded wife?

Do you promise to rub

lotion on her bunions,

listen to her conspiracy theories

about who is stealing her Valu-Pak,

and basically just agree
with everything she says,

as long as you both shall live?

I do not.

Now, if I could have your wedding rings.

By the power vested in me

by the state of disarray your marriage is in,

I now pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife...

(gasps)

till death do you stay apart.

(applause)

Yeah!

I can't believe you didn't
pay extra for the cleanup.

Why should some employee get
all this perfectly good rice?

This was a fun day.

But, you know,

there was one thing
we didn't get a chance to do.

We didn't get to have our last dance.

Now that we're divorced,

do you think you can finally
give me a chance to lead?

Nah...

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