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1
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:06,352
Hey, sorry we're late with the snacks.
2
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:07,636
We left the house late,
3
00:00:07,638 --> 00:00:09,939
plus we had a little
situation at the grocery store.
4
00:00:09,941 --> 00:00:12,441
Yeah, thanks to that uppity cashier.
5
00:00:12,443 --> 00:00:13,809
You should have seen her face
6
00:00:13,811 --> 00:00:16,061
when I asked her to double-bag
our ice cream in plastic.
7
00:00:16,063 --> 00:00:17,863
It was like I was using a chain saw
8
00:00:17,865 --> 00:00:19,398
to cut my way through the Amazon.
9
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,034
How dare she?
10
00:00:22,036 --> 00:00:23,485
I'm the original recycler.
11
00:00:23,487 --> 00:00:26,372
This shirt used to be a curtain.
12
00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:29,074
Oh, God, let's just keep
the curtains closed, huh?
13
00:00:30,827 --> 00:00:33,662
Wait, you guys haven't ordered a movie yet?
14
00:00:33,664 --> 00:00:36,215
No. Dad's taking forever to pick.
15
00:00:36,217 --> 00:00:37,716
The alternative is to let Mikayla pick,
16
00:00:37,718 --> 00:00:39,534
and then we end up watching The Muppets
17
00:00:39,536 --> 00:00:41,503
- for the 20th time this month.
- Yeah, and frankly,
18
00:00:41,505 --> 00:00:44,556
I think Mikayla's too young
to be seeing Gonzo's nose.
19
00:00:44,558 --> 00:00:47,209
Tom, please let me cut your hair.
20
00:00:47,211 --> 00:00:49,311
You look like you got
a mullet on backwards.
21
00:00:49,313 --> 00:00:51,814
The only person I trust
to cut my hair is Carol,
22
00:00:51,816 --> 00:00:54,049
and she said I lost that
privilege in the divorce.
23
00:00:54,051 --> 00:00:56,151
Your dad had a little bit of an incident
24
00:00:56,153 --> 00:00:57,736
with a barber a few years ago.
25
00:00:57,738 --> 00:01:00,939
The guy wasn't paying attention
and he stabbed me in the eye!
26
00:01:00,941 --> 00:01:02,157
He nicked him.
27
00:01:02,159 --> 00:01:04,193
He almost blinded me.
28
00:01:04,195 --> 00:01:07,029
There's still three shades
of green I can't see.
29
00:01:07,031 --> 00:01:10,582
I go from mint to hunter.
30
00:01:10,584 --> 00:01:14,069
Emerald, kelly and forest? Gone!
31
00:01:15,372 --> 00:01:17,956
You can use my barrette
if you want, Grandpa.
32
00:01:17,958 --> 00:01:20,676
Ah, thanks, sweetie. (sighs)
33
00:01:21,878 --> 00:01:23,012
Mom, come on.
34
00:01:23,014 --> 00:01:24,847
Would you please just cut the man's hair?
35
00:01:24,849 --> 00:01:28,083
He looks like he's in some sort
of senior citizens boy band.
36
00:01:29,585 --> 00:01:31,954
He should have thought
of that before he left me.
37
00:01:31,956 --> 00:01:35,808
Besides, I'm too busy taking
care of the new man in my life.
38
00:01:35,810 --> 00:01:37,393
You.
39
00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:42,731
How do I look?
40
00:01:42,733 --> 00:01:44,533
Like someone who's about
to watch The Muppets.
41
00:01:44,535 --> 00:01:45,784
ALL: No!
42
00:01:45,786 --> 00:01:47,236
(TV beeps, all groan)
43
00:01:47,238 --> 00:01:50,439
No, it's fine with me. That
little gray frog is a hoot.
44
00:01:50,450 --> 00:01:57,756
Synced By YesCool - corrected by chamallow
www.addic7ed.com
45
00:02:15,798 --> 00:02:17,682
NATHAN: But what the
birthday boy doesn't realize
46
00:02:17,684 --> 00:02:21,469
is that the costumed bear is
actually his decorated father
47
00:02:21,471 --> 00:02:24,739
returning home from a
second tour in Afghanistan.
48
00:02:26,575 --> 00:02:28,109
Dad!
49
00:02:28,111 --> 00:02:30,195
Son! (laughs)
50
00:02:30,197 --> 00:02:32,530
(yawns): So heartwarming.
51
00:02:32,532 --> 00:02:34,316
RAY: Look at you, Nate.
52
00:02:34,318 --> 00:02:36,201
This is not the first
time this has happened.
53
00:02:36,203 --> 00:02:39,037
If you keep yawning, we're
gonna get stuck doing traffic,
54
00:02:39,039 --> 00:02:41,656
and you know how I feel about helicopters!
55
00:02:41,658 --> 00:02:44,125
They defy the laws of nature.
56
00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:45,326
No wings!
57
00:02:45,328 --> 00:02:46,928
Name one thing in nature that flies around
58
00:02:46,930 --> 00:02:48,329
with a giant propeller on its head
59
00:02:48,331 --> 00:02:50,415
and a smaller one sticking out of its ass!
60
00:02:52,635 --> 00:02:54,335
I don't know what's wrong with me.
61
00:02:54,337 --> 00:02:55,770
I'm not tired.
62
00:02:55,772 --> 00:02:58,940
My mom takes her bra off at 7:30
every night to watch Jeopardy,
63
00:02:58,942 --> 00:03:02,477
so I try to make sure I'm in bed by 7:29.
64
00:03:02,479 --> 00:03:03,862
Well, according to the Internet,
65
00:03:03,864 --> 00:03:06,197
if you're not tired, yawning can be a sign
66
00:03:06,199 --> 00:03:07,532
of stress or anxiety.
67
00:03:07,534 --> 00:03:09,317
Okay, so maybe I'm stressed.
Life can be stressful.
68
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:10,618
What am I gonna do about it?
69
00:03:10,620 --> 00:03:13,488
Well, lucky you know me. I got a guy.
70
00:03:13,490 --> 00:03:14,906
Yeah, last time you had a guy,
71
00:03:14,908 --> 00:03:17,075
I ended up getting my
teeth whitened in a van.
72
00:03:17,077 --> 00:03:18,410
And?
73
00:03:18,412 --> 00:03:20,995
And viewers wrote in
about my dazzling smile.
74
00:03:20,997 --> 00:03:23,030
(laughs) You're damn right they did.
75
00:03:23,032 --> 00:03:25,467
So trust me when I tell
you, I got another guy.
76
00:03:25,469 --> 00:03:26,501
He's a therapist.
77
00:03:26,503 --> 00:03:27,702
No, no, no, no, no. No.
78
00:03:27,704 --> 00:03:30,171
No, hear me out. It's not what you think.
79
00:03:30,173 --> 00:03:31,673
This guy's real cool.
80
00:03:31,675 --> 00:03:33,875
No couches, no tweed jackets.
81
00:03:33,877 --> 00:03:35,810
And he already likes you.
82
00:03:35,812 --> 00:03:37,345
That argument that you and I had
83
00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:40,815
about sharing ChapStick...
he totally took your side.
84
00:03:40,817 --> 00:03:41,850
(chuckles)
85
00:03:41,852 --> 00:03:42,851
Look, I don't know, man,
86
00:03:42,853 --> 00:03:44,185
I've always felt secretly superior
87
00:03:44,187 --> 00:03:46,571
about the fact that I've
never been to therapy.
88
00:03:46,573 --> 00:03:48,656
If I lose that, all I've got is the fact
89
00:03:48,658 --> 00:03:51,943
that I have a nearly imperceptible sneeze.
90
00:03:53,329 --> 00:03:54,228
God bless you.
91
00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:56,030
Thank you.
92
00:03:56,032 --> 00:03:58,249
Miller, you interested in anchoring
93
00:03:58,251 --> 00:04:00,234
the 4:00 news this Saturday?
94
00:04:00,236 --> 00:04:02,253
Phillips has the stomach flu.
95
00:04:02,255 --> 00:04:03,955
He's blowing it out both ends
96
00:04:03,957 --> 00:04:06,958
like some kind of Chinese firecracker.
97
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,344
Well, yeah, are you kidding?
98
00:04:09,346 --> 00:04:10,929
I'd love to anchor the news.
99
00:04:10,931 --> 00:04:12,964
I mean, any chance to get behind that desk
100
00:04:12,966 --> 00:04:14,883
(yawning): would be very, very exciting.
101
00:04:14,885 --> 00:04:16,718
Really?
102
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,386
Because you look about as excited
103
00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:21,356
as my wife watching me undress.
104
00:04:21,358 --> 00:04:24,025
And believe me, the feeling is mutual.
105
00:04:24,027 --> 00:04:25,610
Oh, sorry, the yawn.
Yeah, n... no, I just...
106
00:04:25,612 --> 00:04:27,112
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
107
00:04:27,114 --> 00:04:29,581
Well, make sure you get
to bed early on Friday.
108
00:04:29,583 --> 00:04:31,866
Nobody wants to see their anchor yawn.
109
00:04:31,868 --> 00:04:33,985
The last thing we need are people realizing
110
00:04:33,987 --> 00:04:36,154
that the news is boring.
111
00:04:38,741 --> 00:04:40,608
Hey, why didn't you tell
me that he was coming?
112
00:04:40,610 --> 00:04:43,745
I didn't hear his tiny footsteps.
113
00:04:43,747 --> 00:04:46,998
He's so little, he must have
came from under the table.
114
00:04:51,170 --> 00:04:53,505
So, I... I think that's
everything that's been going on
115
00:04:53,507 --> 00:04:55,840
with... with my work
and my family, and... and
116
00:04:55,842 --> 00:04:59,377
I just... I just can't figure
out why I'm yawning so much.
117
00:04:59,379 --> 00:05:00,845
(strums chord)
118
00:05:02,431 --> 00:05:04,165
Thanks for sharing, bro.
119
00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:08,236
Life is a salad bar, and you
got a lot on your plate, man.
120
00:05:08,238 --> 00:05:10,855
What do you feel is
stressing you out the most?
121
00:05:10,857 --> 00:05:12,157
I don't know, it's... it's
kind of hard to pinp...
122
00:05:12,159 --> 00:05:13,741
Oh. Shh.
123
00:05:13,743 --> 00:05:15,910
Don't rush to words.
124
00:05:15,912 --> 00:05:17,645
Use your music.
125
00:05:17,647 --> 00:05:20,081
Tell me with the tambo.
126
00:05:21,450 --> 00:05:23,451
Yeah.
127
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:24,652
Get a beat.
128
00:05:24,654 --> 00:05:26,004
Yeah, yeah.
129
00:05:26,006 --> 00:05:29,824
When you're making music,
you're making progress.
130
00:05:29,826 --> 00:05:32,660
You got a beat, now add the lyrics.
131
00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:36,514
Since I'm paying you,
maybe you can just...
132
00:05:36,516 --> 00:05:38,216
Tell me what's wrong.
133
00:05:38,218 --> 00:05:40,768
It's your mom, bro.
134
00:05:40,770 --> 00:05:41,970
Whoa... come on, really?
135
00:05:41,972 --> 00:05:43,688
D... doesn't that seem
like the easy answer?
136
00:05:43,690 --> 00:05:46,941
Dude, you told me yourself, she
lives with you in your house,
137
00:05:46,943 --> 00:05:48,193
all up in your biz.
138
00:05:48,195 --> 00:05:49,777
Well, I'm pretty sure I said "business,"
139
00:05:49,779 --> 00:05:51,062
but doesn't everybody come in here
140
00:05:51,064 --> 00:05:53,565
and just "tambo sing" about their mom?
141
00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:55,283
I don't want to be that guy.
142
00:05:55,285 --> 00:05:57,986
Would it make you feel better
if we called her your roommate?
143
00:06:01,123 --> 00:06:03,324
How is it living with your roommate?
144
00:06:03,326 --> 00:06:04,459
It's awful.
145
00:06:04,461 --> 00:06:06,995
(treadmill beeps)
146
00:06:06,997 --> 00:06:09,581
You know you can take your own turn, right?
147
00:06:13,586 --> 00:06:16,554
And if you could, uh, direct
me to a coffee place nearby,
148
00:06:16,556 --> 00:06:17,472
that'd be great.
149
00:06:17,474 --> 00:06:18,756
WOMAN: Sure, no problem.
150
00:06:18,758 --> 00:06:20,508
Mom, would you please put the map away?
151
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:21,643
I will not.
152
00:06:21,645 --> 00:06:23,478
It makes no sense to pay all this money
153
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:24,846
to get advice from some stranger
154
00:06:24,848 --> 00:06:26,981
who could easily send
us careening off a bridge
155
00:06:26,983 --> 00:06:29,651
because she's too busy
changing her baby's diaper.
156
00:06:29,653 --> 00:06:33,855
Hey, Mr. Miller, I can call you
back if now is not a good time.
157
00:06:33,857 --> 00:06:37,442
Oh, that's okay, thanks,
it'll never be a good time.
158
00:06:38,327 --> 00:06:40,862
(screams)
159
00:06:40,864 --> 00:06:42,614
Tea tree oil shampoo.
160
00:06:42,616 --> 00:06:44,933
Keeps your hair from going thin.
161
00:06:44,935 --> 00:06:46,668
I'm in the shower.
162
00:06:46,670 --> 00:06:49,070
So what? You're wearing your bathing suit.
163
00:06:49,072 --> 00:06:52,123
Because of the last time!
164
00:06:53,058 --> 00:06:55,843
Has your mom always been this smothering?
165
00:06:55,845 --> 00:07:00,832
Well, uh, she's in my driver's
license photo with me, so...
166
00:07:04,753 --> 00:07:07,922
Yeah, I guess it's a pattern.
167
00:07:07,924 --> 00:07:11,693
All right, well, have you ever
suggested that she move out?
168
00:07:11,695 --> 00:07:13,811
No, I... I couldn't do that.
169
00:07:13,813 --> 00:07:16,981
I mean, she's... she's... she's
seen enough change already.
170
00:07:16,983 --> 00:07:18,900
I mean, I mean, it can't be easy
171
00:07:18,902 --> 00:07:21,786
being single again after 43 years.
172
00:07:21,788 --> 00:07:23,121
When I think about it,
173
00:07:23,123 --> 00:07:24,822
it's actually amazing how brave she's been.
174
00:07:24,824 --> 00:07:26,991
That's a really nice thing to say, bro.
175
00:07:26,993 --> 00:07:29,043
Have you ever thought
of cutting your mom off
176
00:07:29,045 --> 00:07:30,878
a healthy slice of that truth pie?
177
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,413
Well, it's kind of hard
giving her compliments
178
00:07:32,415 --> 00:07:33,881
when she's so busy criticizing me.
179
00:07:33,883 --> 00:07:35,750
I haven't even told her
about the anchor gig,
180
00:07:35,752 --> 00:07:37,552
'cause I don't want to spend two hours
181
00:07:37,554 --> 00:07:39,554
hearing how I pronounce
my T's a li'l weak...
182
00:07:39,556 --> 00:07:41,956
liddle... little.
183
00:07:43,142 --> 00:07:46,244
Look, dude, I think that
maybe she's concerned about you
184
00:07:46,246 --> 00:07:48,896
because she thinks she's made
such a mess out of her own life,
185
00:07:48,898 --> 00:07:51,799
and maybe if you made her
feel better about herself,
186
00:07:51,801 --> 00:07:53,551
then she'll back off on you.
187
00:07:53,553 --> 00:07:56,437
I guess... I guess if
we're gonna stop arguing,
188
00:07:56,439 --> 00:07:58,139
somebody needs to make the first move.
189
00:07:58,141 --> 00:07:59,841
I... I could be nicer.
190
00:07:59,843 --> 00:08:02,026
A whole lot of nice
never stressed anyone out.
191
00:08:02,028 --> 00:08:03,695
Well, I am finally getting a chance
192
00:08:03,697 --> 00:08:05,146
to anchor the news this Saturday,
193
00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:07,031
and I can't yawn my way through that.
194
00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:09,000
I mean, I've already got
one strike against me.
195
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:12,153
I, uh, I threw my 40th
birthday party at Six Flags,
196
00:08:12,155 --> 00:08:16,124
and my boss couldn't ride any of the rides.
197
00:08:20,713 --> 00:08:22,347
Nathan, don't get mad at me,
198
00:08:22,349 --> 00:08:25,516
but I had to rinse my
underwear out in the bathroom.
199
00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:29,637
So don't get your panties in a wad
200
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:31,889
when you find my panties in a wad.
201
00:08:35,194 --> 00:08:37,061
You know what?
202
00:08:37,063 --> 00:08:38,512
We're all human.
203
00:08:38,514 --> 00:08:39,680
As roommates, it's good
204
00:08:39,682 --> 00:08:41,783
that we can all be
comfortable around each other.
205
00:08:43,635 --> 00:08:44,986
Good, okay.
206
00:08:44,988 --> 00:08:47,338
Happy to hear it.
207
00:08:51,043 --> 00:08:54,078
(sighs)
208
00:09:01,170 --> 00:09:03,137
What?
209
00:09:03,139 --> 00:09:05,973
Mom, I want you to know
I know you are going
210
00:09:05,975 --> 00:09:08,059
through a lot right now,
211
00:09:08,061 --> 00:09:12,730
and I think that you are an amazing woman,
212
00:09:12,732 --> 00:09:15,382
and I think that you're very, very brave.
213
00:09:15,384 --> 00:09:19,053
Nathan, that is so sweet.
214
00:09:19,055 --> 00:09:21,773
Why are you telling me this?
215
00:09:21,775 --> 00:09:25,026
Well, just... just because.
216
00:09:25,028 --> 00:09:26,577
Because what?
217
00:09:26,579 --> 00:09:29,230
I don't know, because...
218
00:09:29,232 --> 00:09:31,416
because I love you.
219
00:09:52,686 --> 00:09:54,404
I don't understand what the big deal is.
220
00:09:54,406 --> 00:09:55,855
Nathan's always nice to you.
221
00:09:55,857 --> 00:09:57,824
Oh, sure, he'll hold the door for me
222
00:09:57,826 --> 00:10:01,644
or help me get my pantyhose
off after a long hike, but...
223
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,820
... but this was different.
224
00:10:10,822 --> 00:10:13,056
He held my hands, looked me in the eye,
225
00:10:13,058 --> 00:10:16,325
and told me I was brave.
226
00:10:16,327 --> 00:10:17,427
Who does that?
227
00:10:17,429 --> 00:10:18,628
Well, I don't know.
228
00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:21,347
I mean, I told Dad he was
brave earlier when he agreed
229
00:10:21,349 --> 00:10:23,967
to let Adam get near him with the scissors.
230
00:10:23,969 --> 00:10:25,301
Actually we're not quite there yet.
231
00:10:25,303 --> 00:10:27,387
We're still on finger scissors.
232
00:10:27,389 --> 00:10:31,140
If he does well, we'll
move up to chopsticks.
233
00:10:31,142 --> 00:10:33,309
Something's going on with your brother,
234
00:10:33,311 --> 00:10:36,479
and if you know what it is,
a mother has a right to know.
235
00:10:36,481 --> 00:10:38,014
Is he on drugs? Is he sick?
236
00:10:38,016 --> 00:10:39,682
Am I sick?
237
00:10:39,684 --> 00:10:41,234
With what? No virus would want
238
00:10:41,236 --> 00:10:43,453
to live in such a hostile environment.
239
00:10:43,455 --> 00:10:44,988
(cackles) Am I right, Adam?
240
00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:46,823
(gasps) Ow!
241
00:10:46,825 --> 00:10:47,991
You poked me!
242
00:10:47,993 --> 00:10:49,042
You turned, man.
243
00:10:49,044 --> 00:10:50,877
I made a joke at my ex-wife's expense.
244
00:10:50,879 --> 00:10:52,578
You're the only other guy in the room.
245
00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:54,330
You got to anticipate the turn!
246
00:10:55,198 --> 00:10:56,215
We're done here!
247
00:10:56,217 --> 00:10:58,384
Mikayla, get the big box of crayons!
248
00:10:58,386 --> 00:11:01,037
I got to see what colors I lost this time!
249
00:11:03,841 --> 00:11:07,427
Seriously, you need to tell me
what going on with your brother.
250
00:11:07,429 --> 00:11:09,262
Yeah, I told you, Mom, I don't know, okay?
251
00:11:09,264 --> 00:11:10,880
Why don't you just hide in his trunk
252
00:11:10,882 --> 00:11:14,434
and see where he's going, like
you did with me in high school?
253
00:11:14,436 --> 00:11:16,269
That was a long time ago.
254
00:11:16,271 --> 00:11:18,855
Things have changed since then.
255
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:31,668
Oh.
256
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:33,036
Welcome to On Demand Assistance.
257
00:11:33,038 --> 00:11:34,370
How can I help you, Mr. Miller?
258
00:11:34,372 --> 00:11:36,873
I need to speak to someone who's a mother.
259
00:11:36,875 --> 00:11:38,841
Natalie has children.
260
00:11:38,843 --> 00:11:41,711
Natalie, please.
261
00:11:41,713 --> 00:11:43,212
Welcome to On Demand Assist...
262
00:11:43,214 --> 00:11:45,715
My name's Carol, and my
son's been acting strange.
263
00:11:45,717 --> 00:11:46,966
I'm worried sick.
264
00:11:46,968 --> 00:11:48,801
I'm asking you, mother to mother,
265
00:11:48,803 --> 00:11:51,020
to tell me where he's driven lately
266
00:11:51,022 --> 00:11:53,255
besides work and home.
267
00:11:53,257 --> 00:11:54,891
I'm sorry, ma'am.
268
00:11:54,893 --> 00:11:55,975
That's against regulations.
269
00:11:55,977 --> 00:11:57,110
(phone beeps)
270
00:11:57,112 --> 00:11:58,761
Carol, are you still there?
271
00:11:58,763 --> 00:12:00,263
I had to stop recording.
272
00:12:00,265 --> 00:12:01,781
Yeah, I'm still here.
273
00:12:01,783 --> 00:12:03,983
Good, let's do some mothering.
274
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:09,789
How about 6342 Park Road?
275
00:12:09,791 --> 00:12:11,874
It looks like an office complex.
276
00:12:11,876 --> 00:12:13,659
That could be anything.
277
00:12:13,661 --> 00:12:15,828
I've got an idea.
278
00:12:15,830 --> 00:12:17,446
Thank you for calling Brayton Credit.
279
00:12:17,448 --> 00:12:19,448
My name is Trisha, how may I help you?
280
00:12:19,450 --> 00:12:21,217
Do you have children, Trisha?
281
00:12:21,219 --> 00:12:22,919
Seven.
282
00:12:22,921 --> 00:12:24,670
Then you can help us.
283
00:12:24,672 --> 00:12:26,455
We need to know any charges
284
00:12:26,457 --> 00:12:28,674
made by Nathan Miller at a billing address
285
00:12:28,676 --> 00:12:31,010
of 6342 Park Road.
286
00:12:31,012 --> 00:12:33,346
Nathan's my son, and
he's been acting strange.
287
00:12:33,348 --> 00:12:35,014
Say no more.
288
00:12:35,016 --> 00:12:38,735
I just need his card number
and, for security purposes,
289
00:12:38,737 --> 00:12:40,970
(chuckles) his mother's maiden name.
290
00:12:43,306 --> 00:12:45,024
At least your son has a job.
291
00:12:45,026 --> 00:12:47,610
My son invested all his money in a pool cue
292
00:12:47,612 --> 00:12:49,662
with a laser at the end of it.
293
00:12:49,664 --> 00:12:52,365
Now he spends all day on the
couch driving the cat crazy.
294
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:54,033
(phone ringing)
295
00:12:54,035 --> 00:12:55,334
Dr. Johnson's office.
296
00:12:55,336 --> 00:12:57,319
Did she say doctor's office?
297
00:12:57,321 --> 00:12:58,671
Oh, my, this could be bad.
298
00:12:58,673 --> 00:13:00,173
Shh. Uh, excuse me?
299
00:13:00,175 --> 00:13:04,627
Sorry, I need to see a doctor
about my... foot problem.
300
00:13:04,629 --> 00:13:07,046
Would that be something this type of doctor
301
00:13:07,048 --> 00:13:08,431
could help me with?
302
00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:09,849
Well, not unless you want to talk
303
00:13:09,851 --> 00:13:11,934
about how your foot is making you feel.
304
00:13:11,936 --> 00:13:13,669
Dr. Johnson is a therapist.
305
00:13:13,671 --> 00:13:15,555
- A therapist?
- Thank you.
306
00:13:15,557 --> 00:13:18,474
Why would he need to see a therapist?
307
00:13:18,476 --> 00:13:20,009
He has a mother.
308
00:13:20,011 --> 00:13:22,311
Well, it looks like
Natalie's not the only one
309
00:13:22,313 --> 00:13:23,896
with a son on the couch.
310
00:13:23,898 --> 00:13:27,066
Huh? Am I right? (chuckles)
311
00:13:27,068 --> 00:13:30,970
I hope I have provided you
with excellent customer service.
312
00:13:32,873 --> 00:13:35,825
Dr. Johnson, it's nice to finally meet you.
313
00:13:35,827 --> 00:13:37,410
It's wonderful to meet you, too, Carol.
314
00:13:37,412 --> 00:13:38,594
You, too, Tom.
315
00:13:38,596 --> 00:13:41,998
She said if I came, she'd cut my hair.
316
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,300
Our son Nathan says you're great,
317
00:13:44,302 --> 00:13:45,635
and I was hoping
318
00:13:45,637 --> 00:13:48,471
Tom and I could work
towards a healthier divorce.
319
00:13:48,473 --> 00:13:50,039
Mm. Not just for us,
320
00:13:50,041 --> 00:13:51,707
but for our children.
321
00:13:51,709 --> 00:13:53,375
And our children's children.
322
00:13:53,377 --> 00:13:56,979
I just need an inch and a
half taken off the bangs.
323
00:13:56,981 --> 00:13:59,065
Therapy is like a big body of water.
324
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:01,284
You can dip your toe in the little stuff,
325
00:14:01,286 --> 00:14:03,352
but if you want to make a real splash,
326
00:14:03,354 --> 00:14:06,739
you got to cannonball
right into Lake Iwannatalka.
327
00:14:06,741 --> 00:14:08,441
I think our biggest problem is
328
00:14:08,443 --> 00:14:12,495
that Nathan's coming to talk to
you because he's... depressed?
329
00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:14,547
In debt?
330
00:14:15,232 --> 00:14:16,582
Being bullied?
331
00:14:16,584 --> 00:14:18,567
Is someone picking on my little boy?
332
00:14:18,569 --> 00:14:21,787
All right, how about we
just focus on you two?
333
00:14:21,789 --> 00:14:23,789
Tom, what's in your heart right now?
334
00:14:23,791 --> 00:14:26,742
- I don't think Tom really...
- I guess it all started
335
00:14:26,744 --> 00:14:27,877
the day I was born.
336
00:14:27,879 --> 00:14:29,762
Uh, I was raised by a cruel woman,
337
00:14:29,764 --> 00:14:31,097
I married a cruel woman,
338
00:14:31,099 --> 00:14:33,549
I get my dry cleaning
done by a cruel woman.
339
00:14:33,551 --> 00:14:35,584
(whistles)
340
00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:38,804
Meet Herbie.
341
00:14:38,806 --> 00:14:40,756
This little guy isn't just adorable.
342
00:14:40,758 --> 00:14:44,644
He's also a hero, after alerting
his family to a house fire.
343
00:14:44,646 --> 00:14:47,230
Tragically, not everyone made it out alive.
344
00:14:47,232 --> 00:14:49,232
Their nine-year-old son...
345
00:14:49,234 --> 00:14:51,417
(yawning)
346
00:14:53,237 --> 00:14:55,054
... lost his goldfish.
347
00:14:55,056 --> 00:14:56,605
RAY: Damn, Nate!
348
00:14:56,607 --> 00:14:57,790
I thought you fixed this!
349
00:14:57,792 --> 00:14:59,792
I... I saw your therapist. I'm trying.
350
00:14:59,794 --> 00:15:02,378
Do I need to pull up images
of helicopter crashes?
351
00:15:02,380 --> 00:15:04,130
I saw one yesterday of a guy
352
00:15:04,132 --> 00:15:05,965
who lost just his lips.
353
00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:09,451
He's smiling, but I
promise you, he's not happy.
354
00:15:10,888 --> 00:15:14,257
But to be honest, there's a reason
355
00:15:14,259 --> 00:15:18,427
she's the only person I trust
to have scissors near my eyes.
356
00:15:19,963 --> 00:15:22,815
That's lovely, Tom.
357
00:15:22,817 --> 00:15:24,850
Carol, you ready to dive in?
358
00:15:24,852 --> 00:15:26,468
Water's warm.
359
00:15:27,504 --> 00:15:30,656
Tom, I had no idea you felt that way.
360
00:15:30,658 --> 00:15:32,858
And...
361
00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:36,829
I do want to be friends, but I just...
362
00:15:36,831 --> 00:15:39,315
I just...
363
00:15:39,317 --> 00:15:40,533
I'm sorry, Doctor.
364
00:15:40,535 --> 00:15:42,535
I have something I want to share, but...
365
00:15:42,537 --> 00:15:45,037
I don't feel comfortable
saying it in front of you.
366
00:15:45,039 --> 00:15:46,822
All right, all right, that's cool, guys.
367
00:15:46,824 --> 00:15:48,174
Take your time.
368
00:15:48,176 --> 00:15:51,327
I'll just be right outside
working on my rock opera.
369
00:15:55,549 --> 00:15:56,766
What are you doing?
370
00:15:56,768 --> 00:15:58,184
I thought you were about
to tell me something.
371
00:15:58,186 --> 00:16:00,553
I'm telling you to shut
up and watch the door.
372
00:16:00,555 --> 00:16:01,771
Whatever Nathan's been telling him
373
00:16:01,773 --> 00:16:03,522
has got to be in this notebook somewhere.
374
00:16:03,524 --> 00:16:05,107
I thought we were here for therapy.
375
00:16:05,109 --> 00:16:06,525
(chuckles): Oh, please.
376
00:16:06,527 --> 00:16:08,227
Therapy is something celebrities do
377
00:16:08,229 --> 00:16:11,147
to fill their days between
colonics and adultery. Ah.
378
00:16:11,149 --> 00:16:12,615
Here it is.
379
00:16:12,617 --> 00:16:14,850
"Nathan Miller". Found him.
380
00:16:16,403 --> 00:16:18,321
Hey, man. Did we have an appointment today?
381
00:16:18,323 --> 00:16:20,522
No. I was hoping that maybe
you could squeeze me in.
382
00:16:20,524 --> 00:16:23,192
Oh, actually, uh...
383
00:16:23,194 --> 00:16:25,628
I'm in the middle of a
couple's sesh right now.
384
00:16:25,630 --> 00:16:27,363
There's something about me.
385
00:16:27,365 --> 00:16:28,714
More stuff about me.
386
00:16:28,716 --> 00:16:31,200
Come on, Nate. Enough small talk about Mom.
387
00:16:31,202 --> 00:16:32,468
Let's get to the problem.
388
00:16:32,470 --> 00:16:35,755
Sure is a lot about you in there.
389
00:16:35,757 --> 00:16:37,473
I'm his mother. He loves me.
390
00:16:37,475 --> 00:16:39,642
Ah. Oh, here it is.
391
00:16:39,644 --> 00:16:42,645
His roommate is driving him...
392
00:16:42,647 --> 00:16:44,597
Never mind.
393
00:16:44,599 --> 00:16:47,733
Crazy? Is his roommate driving him crazy?
394
00:16:47,735 --> 00:16:49,769
I used to have a roommate
that drove me crazy.
395
00:16:49,771 --> 00:16:51,937
Let's just get out of here.
396
00:16:51,939 --> 00:16:54,774
Yeah, man, circle back in half
an hour, and we can fit you in.
397
00:16:54,776 --> 00:16:56,892
See...
398
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:03,699
Zip me into a beanbag! Quick!
399
00:17:06,086 --> 00:17:07,503
What are you doing here?
400
00:17:07,505 --> 00:17:09,738
Oh! We're... we're... we're going to therapy.
401
00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:11,007
Right, Tom?
402
00:17:11,009 --> 00:17:12,341
No.
403
00:17:12,343 --> 00:17:14,010
No, she tricked me into coming here
404
00:17:14,012 --> 00:17:16,012
so she could read your therapist's notes.
405
00:17:16,014 --> 00:17:18,464
Which she did when he left the room.
406
00:17:21,251 --> 00:17:23,386
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
407
00:17:23,388 --> 00:17:25,388
Feels good to get things off your chest.
408
00:17:25,390 --> 00:17:27,356
Carol, good luck.
409
00:17:27,358 --> 00:17:30,359
I'm gonna buy some goggles
and go to the barber shop.
410
00:17:32,446 --> 00:17:33,595
What is wrong with you?
411
00:17:33,597 --> 00:17:36,065
Me? You're the one complaining about me
412
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,783
to a stranger!
413
00:17:37,785 --> 00:17:40,069
Apparently, I'm all "up in your biz."
414
00:17:40,071 --> 00:17:43,622
I asked you repeatedly to
change that to "business"!
415
00:17:45,659 --> 00:17:47,059
What's so wrong about a mother
416
00:17:47,061 --> 00:17:48,828
taking an interest in her son's life?
417
00:17:48,830 --> 00:17:50,579
You have an opinion about everything.
418
00:17:50,581 --> 00:17:52,798
What I'm wearing, how
I hang my toilet paper,
419
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,667
what kind of dreams I should have.
420
00:17:54,669 --> 00:17:56,502
I don't like you falling all the time!
421
00:17:56,504 --> 00:17:57,720
It makes me nervous!
422
00:17:57,722 --> 00:18:00,122
And excuse me if I like
being helpful to my son.
423
00:18:00,124 --> 00:18:01,957
You never seemed to
mind the extra attention
424
00:18:01,959 --> 00:18:03,125
when you were younger.
425
00:18:03,127 --> 00:18:04,310
Well, of course not.
426
00:18:04,312 --> 00:18:06,145
I was a kid who needed help to survive!
427
00:18:06,147 --> 00:18:08,564
But now I'm a grown man
who's supposed to be living
428
00:18:08,566 --> 00:18:10,433
on his own, but every time I turn around,
429
00:18:10,435 --> 00:18:11,684
there you are with that harsh,
430
00:18:11,686 --> 00:18:12,968
judging look.
431
00:18:13,854 --> 00:18:17,490
Yeah, that's the one.
432
00:18:17,492 --> 00:18:19,975
Most sons appreciate having
a mother in their lives.
433
00:18:19,977 --> 00:18:21,327
They don't hate it!
434
00:18:21,329 --> 00:18:22,528
I don't hate it.
435
00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:23,829
I just... I just hate feeling like
436
00:18:23,831 --> 00:18:25,781
I always have to put on a face for you.
437
00:18:25,783 --> 00:18:28,417
Oh, baloney. You don't have
to put on a face for me.
438
00:18:28,419 --> 00:18:30,202
I do, Mom. I do. I do.
439
00:18:30,204 --> 00:18:31,820
Otherwise, all you're gonna see is
440
00:18:31,822 --> 00:18:34,590
a stressed out, 42-year-old
divorced dude with... with no kids
441
00:18:34,592 --> 00:18:37,460
and a career that's nowhere near
where he dreamed it would be.
442
00:18:37,462 --> 00:18:40,045
And I just... I don't want
to be that guy, because...
443
00:18:40,047 --> 00:18:42,164
because I know that you worked so hard
444
00:18:42,166 --> 00:18:44,500
to put me through school
and to give me opportunities,
445
00:18:44,502 --> 00:18:47,636
and sometimes I feel like I'm just...
446
00:18:47,638 --> 00:18:49,822
like I'm letting you down.
447
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,978
(playing tune)
448
00:18:55,980 --> 00:18:58,297
Put that damn thing away!
449
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,536
Nathan, never in a million
years would I have known
450
00:19:03,538 --> 00:19:05,621
you felt this way.
451
00:19:05,623 --> 00:19:08,574
Yeah, well, it's... (sighs)
452
00:19:08,576 --> 00:19:10,443
it's kind of news to me, too.
453
00:19:10,445 --> 00:19:14,163
It kills me to think you'd
ever feel ashamed around me.
454
00:19:15,715 --> 00:19:19,001
Every day you give me a
reason to be proud of you.
455
00:19:19,003 --> 00:19:20,970
You're a wonderful son.
456
00:19:22,172 --> 00:19:24,673
Local celebrity on the news every night...
457
00:19:24,675 --> 00:19:26,875
Mom, stop it.
458
00:19:27,761 --> 00:19:30,712
Unless you had more.
459
00:19:30,714 --> 00:19:33,849
And handsome. So handsome.
460
00:19:33,851 --> 00:19:35,901
Plus, you had the courage
461
00:19:35,903 --> 00:19:38,554
to end a marriage before it turned sour.
462
00:19:38,556 --> 00:19:41,106
You say I'm brave?
463
00:19:41,108 --> 00:19:43,442
You're the one who's brave.
464
00:19:43,444 --> 00:19:45,494
(chuckles)
465
00:19:45,496 --> 00:19:48,397
I guess I get it from you.
466
00:19:49,833 --> 00:19:51,900
JOHNSON: Wow.
467
00:19:51,902 --> 00:19:53,919
What a breakthrough.
468
00:19:53,921 --> 00:19:55,871
I guess someone's gonna
be yawning a lot less.
469
00:19:55,873 --> 00:19:58,841
So, Nathan, I guess I'll see you
470
00:19:58,843 --> 00:20:01,126
Wednesday for our weekly
therapeutic jam sesh?
471
00:20:01,128 --> 00:20:02,911
I don't think so, Doc.
472
00:20:02,913 --> 00:20:04,513
You come near my boy again,
473
00:20:04,515 --> 00:20:07,183
and I'll drown you in Lake Iwannatalka.
474
00:20:16,923 --> 00:20:19,892
So after spending five days on
a raft without food or water,
475
00:20:19,894 --> 00:20:22,428
the captain and his crew
are now resting comfortably
476
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,329
at an area hospital.
477
00:20:24,331 --> 00:20:25,764
Yeah.
478
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,851
Way to not eat each other, fellas.
479
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,770
Thanks for choosing us for
your Saturday afternoon news.
480
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:34,857
Stay tuned for an infomercial
about dehydrating fruit.
481
00:20:36,142 --> 00:20:37,393
He didn't yawn once.
482
00:20:37,395 --> 00:20:39,511
Can't believe your father is missing this.
483
00:20:39,513 --> 00:20:41,513
Where did you say he was again?
484
00:20:41,515 --> 00:20:42,648
Uh, I'm not sure.
485
00:20:42,650 --> 00:20:44,516
He said he wanted to take Adam somewhere,
486
00:20:44,518 --> 00:20:46,452
but he was being pretty secretive about it.
487
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,703
Hmm.
488
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,738
All right, I think we're
making some real progress.
489
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:51,340
Let's take it again from the top.
490
00:20:51,342 --> 00:20:54,793
Oh, I accidentally
poked you in your eye
491
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:56,545
Oh, did you "accidentally"
492
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,747
Poke me in my eye?
493
00:20:58,749 --> 00:21:00,532
Perhaps I really meant to poke you
494
00:21:00,534 --> 00:21:02,301
'Cause you always eat my cereal
495
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,170
And I get stuck with the
last bagel which is rye
496
00:21:05,172 --> 00:21:06,722
- * And I hate rye. *
- (whistle blows)
497
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:12,207
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00:21:12,257 --> 00:21:16,807
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