Original subtitles

So Kurt Cobain threw his guitar and it hit you in the head?

- Yep. - Amazing.

Oh my god. The ten seconds, before I passed out, was actual nirvana.

I was listening to a bootleg of a Vampire Weekend concert,

and that raw energy just shot out of those earbuds.

"Earbuds"? Oh, my god. I should slap you in the mouth.

No, Eve, you have got to be there to get the full experience of a live concert.

One thing about Mom... she'll let you do anything

if she thinks it's her idea.

Well, now that you mention it, Vampire Weekend

- is coming to town... - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, I already said no to this. She's working you like a speed bag.

- Eve. - Mom, help me out here.

- I want memories. I want a concussion. - Isn't that an either/or thing?

No, listen. Your Dad and I are a team.

If he says no, the answer is no.

Let's boogie, honey. Reservation's in ten minutes.

- Sorry, kiddo. Sorry. - Mike, Annie, a word.

- Here's one... - No.

Great stuff, Dad. There's that irrepressible Henry wit.

This will only take a nano. I wanted to revisit the whole

Graham-gets-the-big-room- I-get-the-small-room issue.

- I made a tiny PowerPoint presentation... - You have an I.Q. of 150.

Why are you wasting your time and energy on who gets a bigger room?

I'm trying to start a business... 152, P.S.

And by the way, how am I supposed to feel like an adult

when I'm in this tiny room sleeping on a race car bed

and Graham's in that huge room pretending the floor is lava?

Lucy! No! Guys, help!

- Oh, sweetie. - Lucy's gone.

- Let's save ourselves. - Oh...

I miss them already.

I totally don't.

- Excuse me... - It's okay.

Uh, no, that wasn't "excuse me."

I was going for, uh... "excuse me?"

- Okay, I got it. - Doesn't seem like you do.

Let me explain to you how elevators work.

Ding. Elevator doors open.

The people inside exit, and then the new passengers come in.

It's been that way for thousands of years.

- Well, thousands... - Are we done?

Uh, we were... until you said that.

- Can you believe this guy, Mike? - Uh...

Annie has a strong sense of justice.

I have a strong sense of wanting to get along with my neighbors.

But can I say something to Annie in these situations?

- No, I cannot. - Listen, I don't know what cave

you dragged your knuckles out of...

- Honey, our reservation... - ...but in this building...

we believe in manners, okay?

You're apparently new to manners and society...

- Do you wanna go out to dinner? - Uh...

Yeah.

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Just saw the elevator guy... total cold shoulder.

I asked him what floor. He pushed his own button.

I'm sorry, sweetie, I know how you like

to push those buttons yourself.

Well, the ones I can reach.

Crap. It's Harris. It's about the karaoke party.

- Suddenly I miss being retired. - Every year, Mike's boss bundles

all the staff birthdays into one big karaoke party.

But it's really just his excuse to get up and sing in front of a crowd.

He's been known to dress like his favorite musical acts.

And we've been known to come up with excuses for why we can't go.

- I know. I'll say my great aunt died. - Yeah, we used that one in '06. Hey...

- I could come down with a fever. - That's great.

That way, I don't have to answer any follow-up questions,

like "what was your aunt's name?"

You guys are being totally unreasonable about the concert.

- Amy's family offered to drive. - Family?

Try her 22-year-old brother with a full neck-beard.

- Look what I just got. - You got a dog?

Oh, I was referring to my blowout, but, yes, I did get a dog.

This little guy is gonna help me meet guys.

- You should name him Icebreaker. - Genius!

Naming children really isn't really your thing,

- but you nailed it. - Remember Banjo?

Remember you brought home Banjo when we were kids?

Who ended up taking care of Banjo? I did.

Why do I have a feeling that's gonna happen again this time?

Aunt Leigh is a responsible adult with good judgment.

She's perfectly capable of owning a pet.

You don't think she's gonna flake on this dog?

A lot of talk about how I'm a flake, not a word about my blowout.

I don't think it. I know it.

In fact, I'm willing to bet on it.

What do you say... if I win, I get to go to the concert.

- I love a bet I can't lose. - You're on.

This is going to be like going to a concert from a baby.

Oh, come on! What are you doing here?

You got to be there, Mike. I mean, it's not just

a money-saving mass birthday party. It's a celebration

of the ancient japanese art of kara-o-kay.

- You can't miss that. - Well, as awesome as that is,

uh, I-I-I... the thing is I think Annie's gotten me sick too.

Oh, damn it, Mike. We split a milkshake.

Man, what are you doing to me? I got to sing tomorrow.

I told you to get an extra straw.

Harris, listen, I got to run. We'll be there... health permitting.

Uh...

This is some weather we're having, isn't it?

Yeah.

When I say that, I'm not just making small talk. I work in the news.

I've got access to a Doppler 9000, so...

Uh, about last night, my wife, Annie, she got a little...

- snippy. - A little?

She lectured me the entire elevator ride, followed me to my door...

Well, my neighbor's door, actually.

- I didn't want her to know where I live. - That's good thinking.

The thing is, Annie's going through a rough patch.

- What do you mean? - Well, she's a little... you know.

- No, I don't. - She's a little bit... off her meds.

- Oh. I had no idea. Is she okay? - Well, she's... not really, no.

No, it's terrible mood swings.

One day, yay! Another day, boo.

- If I may ask, is she bipolar? - Yes. Perfect. Exactly.

She's... she's classic bipolar. It's a whole thing.

I'm so sorry. I'm a psychiatrist. I deal with that all the time.

Oh, so we don't have to talk about this anymore.

If I may ask, um... what kind of medication is she on?

Oh, uh, round ones, small ones, ones as big as your head.

But enough about my nightmare.

What kind of mail do you got there?

Hey, buddy. Enjoying the big room? Oh...

Dad's exact words were "Graham can do whatever

he wants with the room"... or something like that.

Ergo, if I get Graham to want to give me the room,

hmm, it's all mine.

So much happened in this room... good things...

- some scary things. - Scary things?

Oh, hardly even worth talking about.

Like Shadowpuss.

- "Shadowpuss"? - Well, that's what I called him.

His real name can't be made by human vocal cords...

basically your average cat-faced hell creature

- with the body of a demon. - Hmm.

The hook was set.

Yep, used to see the old puss at night, right behind that door.

Legend has it he would eat your entrails and keep you

alive to watch while he played carelessly with your toys.

Well, my bed's surrounded by a lava force field.

Well, Shadowpuss was born in lava,

so that's not really gonna be a problem for him. Bye!

Oh, well, that's our time for today. That'll be $175.

Hey, that's my line.

Hey, Annie.

I don't think we were properly introduced

the other night... I'm Bill.

Well, it's very nice to meet you, Bill.

By the way, I'm a psychiatrist.

If you have any questions about your meds, upstairs in 15-B.

- My meds? - Come on, Bill.

You're off the clock. Leave work at work.

What Mike told me was in strictest confidence.

- I just want you to know I'm a resource. - Well, good.

Okay.

Bipolar disorder... is a serious matter.

Bipolar disorder?

We can get a second opinion.

I can't believe you told that guy I was bipolar!

Well, do we know for a fact you're not?

Look, I'd just prefer if our neighbors didn't hate us.

I mean, I was just trying to clean up your...

"Mess"? My mess.

- You were about to say "my mess." - I was gonna just trail off.

Sometimes you're a little hard on people,

and I have to smooth things over from time to time.

Time to time? So you've done this before?

Well, in the building and...

on the subway and, uh, at the petting zoo.

I don't care if you're five. You're not supposed to ride the llama.

Yes! I call people out on their rudeness!

I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

You know, one could argue that I am all that stands

between civilized society and chaos.

- You're Batman?! - I'm your wife.

And we're supposed to be a team.

That doesn't mean I'm gonna blindly agree

with everything you say even if I think you're wrong.

Re-e-e-ally?

- Is that ri-i-i-ght? - Okay, don't do that.

Don't stretch out words like that,

- because it's... that's unsettling. - No, no, no. It's good.

It's just good for me to know

that we no longer have to get each other's backs.

Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Good, good, good, good!

That's even more unsettling.

This is where I live. This is where I cook.

- Cool. - This is where I work.

Hmm. Good stuff.

And this... is where you kiss me.

- Hello, Aunt Leigh. - Aah!

Eve! You can't just sneak into somebody's apartment like that.

- Trust me. I've been shot at. - Hey, how's it going?

Hey! There's the little guy!

Oh! I bet you wish Bandit was here.

- Don't you? Yes, you do. - Where were you?

The dog got out. I found him in the lobby.

The super won't fix my door.

I think he's sneaking in and stealing my underwear.

I am working without a net right now.

- Who is this guy? - Gary?

I met him at the dog park yesterday.

Icebreaker already worked... ice broken.

Hey, do you mind watching Icebreaker?

Gary and I were gonna have a little adult time,

but, you know, Icebreaker is very protective.

He might think Mommy's getting hurt.

I didn't think you could top "working without a net."

- I guess I could just ask your Dad. - No! No. Uh... I'll do it.

This better be a good concert.

You're the best. Listen, do me a favor.

On your way out, introduce yourself to this guy,

because I'm only 90% sure his name's Gary, okay?

I had planted the seed of Shadowpuss in Graham's mind.

Now all I needed was to harvest my crop of terror.

Strap in.

That's obviously the wrong sound file.

What the hell is this?

Hey, hey, what's going on? What's going on, guys?

- I made him to scare Shadowpuss. - What's a Shadowpuss?

He's a scary demon cat that lives in my room. Ian, tell him.

Are you seriously trying to scare your brother

- into switching rooms with you? - I need a bigger room, Dad.

And you're not taking me seriously.

- You're holding a cat puppet. - This is not a puppet.

It's capable of 38 distinct emotions.

I feel 38 emotions right now, Ian, and not one of them is pride.

- Pull its tail. See what happens. - No, I'm not gonna pull its tail!

Look, you want to be treated like an adult,

stop worrying about who gets a bigger room and find a path.

- Oh, I have a path. - Really? You dropped out of college.

You've been here four months, rent-free. I mean, you're

a smart kid, Ian, but you're focusing on the wrong things.

- Give me this. - No...

Graham's got to get some sleep... he's my last hope.

- Aah! - What was that?

- He pulled its tail. - Son of a...

What's Aunt Leigh's dog doing here?

I... brought him here to show you what a good

job Aunt Leigh's been doing of taking care of him.

She's in Atlantic City with Gary... whose name turned out to be Steve.

And since the concert is tonight, I guess I won the bet.

- Where is Aunt Leigh? - She's... at the vet.

- Without the dog? - You...

You can't take a dog to a veterinary clinic.

You know, all those... those airborne canine viruses.

Plus, there's that cat convention in town...

Got it. No concert.

Actually... I think Eve should go to the concert.

- What? - What? - I never had a problem with it.

Eve's smart. I trust her judgment.

She shouldn't have to win a bet to go.

- Hang on. - Awesome.

I'm getting out of here before that answer can change.

- I don't understand. We decided. - No, no, no, no. You decided.

I backed you up because we're a team.

But now, since we don't have to always

"blindly agree", I can give my own opinion.

You know, I think I'm gonna give Harris a call.

- No. No, you wouldn't. - Yeah.

No, look, it's one thing to throw Eve into harm's way,

but karaoke... you'd be going down with me.

It'll be like Jonestown.

At least they were a team.

Harris, hi. It's Annie.

Hey, you know what? My fever just broke.

Well, then we will see you tonight!

Okay, that's been in a dog's mouth.

- That is what we are, - No one in between

- no one in between - how can we be wrong?

d sail away with me d d to another world d

- You realize you're up next. - Oh, good.

I can get my song in before my meds wear off

and I get all Claire Danes in here.

You know, that's just a character she plays.

I saw her on Ellen. She was... she was lovely.

Uh-huh

You're really gonna go through with this?

- Well, you've proved your point. - Thank you, thank you.

- We both know you hate karaoke. - All right.

Let's hear it for Kay Costa as Dolly Parton!

Whoo!

- All right, next up... - Yeah!

Ah, for the first time on this stage, we have Annie Henry!

Last chance to back out.

Well, you know, Mike, I think I'm gonna just go up there

and give it my best shot.

[Hit Me With Your Best Shot playing]

Whoo!

NBC4, we are gonna rock this place tonight!

d Oh, you're a real tough cookie d

d with a long history d

d of breaking little hearts like the one in me d

- Bipolar disorder? - d that's okay d

That's nothing to joke about, man. Claire Danes has that.

No, she doesn't. She's just an incredibly gifted actress.

Let me guess... Colonel Sanders?

Pull your head out, Doug. Name one song by Colonel Sanders.

- The finger-lickin' good song? - That's not a song.

I'm Kenny Rogers. Keep moving, Doug.

d fire away d

I just don't get why you don't apologize to Annie.

For what? What was I supposed to do?

The guy lives in our building.

So you're more concerned about your neighbor than your wife?

And by the way, for somebody who supposedly hates karaoke,

she sure seems to be enjoying herself.

Seeing her up there,

I realized she wasn't trying to make a point.

She actually loved karaoke.

She'd just been pretending to hate it all these years to...

...be a team player.

All right.

- That was Annie Henry... - Thank you!

With a very extended version of Hit Me With Your Best Shot!

And next up...

Oh, look at that.

It's Annie Henry...

- Again. - Two in a row?

d We are going to party d

d karamu d

d fiesta, forever d

d come on and sing along d

d all night long d d all night, all night d

"All Night Long" is right.

d all night, all night d d all night... d

- When do I get to sing? - I wanted to have Annie's back

the way she's had mine all these years.

d come join our party d

- It's my turn now. - # see how we play #

And then an opportunity presented itself.

You got it!

- What the hell, Doug? - I-I just...

Annie signed up. You can't cut her off in the middle of the song.

It's not all about Doug, Doug.

For the first time, I got why Annie loves calling people out.

It's... it's kind of a rush...

although it's possible I might have gone a bit too far.

And another thing, Doug... if you weren't so rude,

you might not be the world's oldest intern.

- Oh, no. - And guess what.

- Nobody wants to see your improv show. - Aw, damn it, Mike.

Now I got to go see caution: May contain nuts.

Um... Mike? Doug was gonna do

- the "Jambo Jambo" part for me. - I'm... I'm on the sheet.

Oh, yeah, there you are. Doug, D-o-u-g.

All right, Jambo Jambo.

- No, I'd really rather not. - Respect the sheet, Doug. Jambo!

d Hey, Jambo, Jambo d d way to party, o, we go d

Come on, Jambo.

d hey, Jambo Jambo d

Eve, come on. Let's go!

Come on, we're gonna be late.

[sighs] Damn it.

This is why I try not to like things.

Hi. Hello.

Thanks for killing the vibe, Mike.

- A whole costume change for nothing. - I'm sorry.

I-I just wanted to have your back, you know, do what you do.

That's not what I do. I call people out on their bad behavior.

You took a shot at an innocent 45-year-old intern.

- He's 32. - Wow!

Have a glass of water every now and then.

Okay, I may have gone a little too far with the guy in the elevator.

- Yeah, about ten floors. - Even so... I think after tonight

it's obvious that I am better at confrontation.

- Yeah, I didn't enjoy that at all. - Exactly. And I love it.

So here's a crazy idea...

how about from now on, we just stick to what we do best?

I'll take on the jerks,

and you make sure we still get invited to parties.

Done. Although I think this one's off the table.

Alice from accounting keeps giving me the death stare.

Oh, don't worry about it. I'll take care of her.

Eve. Why aren't you at the concert?

I've been secretly taking care of Icebreaker to win the bet.

Dad was right about Aunt Leigh. I was on my way out,

and I saw the dog in the lobby, so here I am.

- Give me the leash. - What?

Mom was right. You do have good judgment.

- Now, go to the concert. - Seriously? Thanks, Dad!

Oh, this is going to be my Nirvana moment.

As long as it's not your Red Hot Chili Peppers moment.

- I got all four socks. - So hop on a train. It's nine o'clock.

You should be there for the last song.

Oh, they don't even go on until eleven.

- They don't what? - I'm getting out of here

before that answer can change.

Hey! You got a therapy dog.

Good call, Annie.

Suck it, Bill!

I'm just gonna own it.

- Hey, Dad. - Hey.

You were right... I've been focusing on the wrong things.

But first of the month, you're gonna get a rent check.

I got a little money back when Cornell refunded my meal plan.

Yeah, that's actually my money.

Right, but I also sold Shadowpuss on Craigslist for $500.

Did you tell them about the tail?

I don't think they're going to be using it for that.

- They asked if it's washable. - God.

And I'm going to get a job too.

It might take a little longer to reach my dream,

but, hey, I'm a grown-up. What do you think is fair rent?

In New York City? Ballpark?

- $1,200. - No, I'm talking about the tiny room.

So am I.

Being in a family is kind of like being on a team.

- Hey, little guy. - What's going on? Your eyes are all red.

I just broke up with Gary.

I saw the way he kissed his dog... very thorough.

He'll never kiss me that way.

You don't always get to pick your teammates...

I've been crying all day, and I didn't really even like this guy.

- I think you're allergic to the dog. - Oh, please, Michael. Don't you think

I'd know if I was allergic to my own...

No, you're right.

Oh, but I can't take Icebreaker back to the pound.

...and you might not win every game...

You want me to take the dog?

No, I don't want to be that person that...

But no matter what happens, you go through it together.

And it doesn't hurt to have a mascot.

Hey, everybody, we got a dog.

- Let me see! - Oh.

I bet the dog doesn't have to pay rent.

That's 'cause he's sharing your room.

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