Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,328
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,484
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
3
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,007
Hey, hey! Officer Smegski.
4
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:52,646
How's it going, non bud?
5
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:54,930
I'm busy, don't disturb me.
6
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,011
Last time you disturbed me,
I was doing the safety check.
7
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,447
And, I failed to notice
that the diesel decks were flooded.
8
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,930
All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire."
9
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,326
And it distracted me. I had to break off
from what I was doing and put you out.
10
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,570
I was just cooking, is that a crime?
11
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,286
As far as I'm concerned,
you're not allowed to cook.
12
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,770
You always get distracted
by your reflection in the spatula
13
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,641
Man, that is such a clich�.
14
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,807
I can look at myself in a mirror
without getting distracted.
15
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,121
Hey!
16
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:35,881
Cat.
17
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:37,561
Cat.
18
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,641
- Cat!
- Wh... Wha... What?
19
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,171
(STUTTERING) Where am I?
What's happening?
20
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,288
You'll never guess what me
and Kryten have found.
21
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,842
We've been going through Human Resources
22
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:50,003
and found Captain Hollister's
crew appraisal files.
23
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,449
You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.
24
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,130
Why do you think we're reading them?
25
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,201
This is mine. Check this.
26
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,885
David Lister, although clearly
quite bright, is lazy, slovenly,
27
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,731
rebellious, unreliable,
rude and disorganized.
28
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,241
You hear that?
He thought I was quite bright.
29
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:09,887
How cool is that?
30
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,169
- Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.
31
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,846
He'll only read the good parts.
32
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:15,281
Lister, hand it over.
33
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,767
Okay. This is you.
34
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,169
"Arnold J Rimmer comes
from an outstanding military family,
35
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,007
"his three brothers
all hold positions of command
36
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,481
"and are hugely respected members
of the Space Corp.
37
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,807
"Arnold, however has not succeeded
to the same blah blah blah,
38
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:36,723
largely due to his blah blah blah blah blah,
consequently and rather tragically,
39
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,131
"he's found he has never attained
40
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,362
"any of the blah blah blahs
he's set himself.
41
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,969
"In summary, he will never get
blah blah blah in life
42
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,091
"while he continues to blame everyone
for his own failings."
43
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,521
Blame people? I don't blame people.
44
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,048
And even if I do, I got that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.
45
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,001
It's not my fault
I never made anything of myself.
46
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,482
What chance did I stand
stuck with you lot?
47
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,201
How's it our fault?
48
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,847
You're supposed to surround yourself
with people who are brighter
49
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,126
and more successful than you.
50
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,401
You have.
51
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:12,801
Quite bright.
52
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,248
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
53
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:28,083
I'm trying to get Mr. Lister
to adopt a healthier lifestyle.
54
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,204
Fruit? You've got more chance
55
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,362
of getting a vampire
to eat garlic bread.
56
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,761
Goodness, have you seen this
on the mid-range scan?
57
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,285
It's quite terrifying!
58
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,050
I've told Lister a hundred times
59
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,851
not to use my passport photo
as the screen saver.
60
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,089
Front on has never been my best side.
61
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,611
And why he wants to Blu-Tack
a piece of doner kebab meat
62
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,524
to the screen, to make me look like
Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.
63
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,361
Just clean it off.
64
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,569
No, sir, you don't understand,
the scanner's picked something up.
65
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:00,801
What is that?
66
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:05,410
It appears that some kind of anomaly
has penetrated our universe.
67
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,648
I hate people who use the word anomaly,
68
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,605
they think they're so cool.
69
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,486
"Oh, look, here's an anomaly,
anomalling away.
70
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,611
"I'm really cosmologically 'on trend'
because I know what anomaly means."
71
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,280
It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.
72
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,482
Sir, something weird
has penetrated our universe
73
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,847
which appears to have caused
a giant lesion
74
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,849
across the space-time continuum.
75
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,205
Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir?
Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'?
76
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,682
Lesion, cuts,
they're both the same to me,
77
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,844
it's the people
who say continuum I can't stand.
78
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,563
Whatever it is, sir,
it's heading our way.
79
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:42,244
- Could we out-run it?
- (SCOFFS) Sir,
80
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:46,325
Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy
with a backpack of uranium
81
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,482
who's just scuffed a family fun bucket.
82
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:49,761
(RUMBLING)
83
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:54,841
What the hell was that?
84
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,160
Some crazy quake thing.
85
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:57,521
You think it's serious?
86
00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,569
Listen. Unless the chick
with the really calm voice
87
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,051
starts talking it ain't serious.
88
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,565
CALM VOICE LADY:
Please remain calm.
89
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,490
There is no need for alarm.
90
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,767
It's serious. Start panicking!
91
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,970
CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew
please return to their quarters,
92
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,851
so we can begin a body count
of the survivors.
93
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,690
We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.
94
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,644
We're going up to the science room,
find out what the hell's happening!
95
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,001
Damn right.
96
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,806
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
97
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,962
We were in the corridor
heading to the science room.
98
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:30,721
Let's think about this.
99
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,881
- Make us a coffee, would you?
- Hey, I'm a cat,
100
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,651
I ain't making you coffee.
101
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:37,726
Milk and two sugars, right?
102
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,241
Cheers, man.
103
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,281
I just made that?
104
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:46,521
When did I just make that?
105
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,000
Why did I just make that?
106
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,241
What the hell's going on?
107
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,207
I don't know, but I like it.
Got any biscuits?
108
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,450
I ain't getting you no biscuits.
109
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:57,681
Biscuits?
110
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:00,521
Weird.
111
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,402
What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay?
112
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,364
Running a damage report now, sir.
113
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,050
(BEEPING)
114
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,361
And?
115
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,369
(FASTER BEEPING)
116
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,001
And?
117
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,082
(FASTER BEEPING)
118
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:23,481
As Louis the XVI might have said,
had he been in the exact same situation:
119
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,086
- 'Et?'
- According to the computer,
120
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,367
I haven't requested a damage report.
121
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,081
- But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.
122
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:35,290
Right, new plan, let's not request
a damage report, instead...
123
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,124
(COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.
124
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,285
Was there some sort of time lag?
125
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,361
(GRINDING CONTINUES)
126
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,727
We shouldn't tell the others
until we get to the bottom of this.
127
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,290
Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat
128
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,124
please make their way
to the science room.
129
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,001
How did I get here?
130
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:49,686
I didn't see you move.
131
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,121
I wonder.
132
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,921
Permission to try an anomalous,
I mean weird, experiment, sir.
133
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,562
- How weird?
- just moderately weird, sir,
134
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,120
say a 1989 Michael Jackson.
135
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,005
Now, here's what I want you to do.
136
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,560
Make a decision
and if my theory is correct,
137
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,046
when you've made the decision,
138
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,971
the choice you don't make
will be the result.
139
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,526
The choice I don't make?
140
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:14,681
I have it.
141
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,604
What would you like me
to throw you, sir?
142
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,570
This apple or this orange?
143
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:19,881
The apple.
144
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,363
What? That's not possible.
145
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:25,801
You threw me an apple.
146
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,568
Well, according to the Many Worlds
interpretation of reality,
147
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:33,765
every choice not taken results
in the formation of a new universe
148
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,610
that creates a new timeline
149
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,648
and plays out the choice not taken.
150
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,083
But now, due to the lesion,
151
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,965
we are getting the results
of the choices we haven't made
152
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,201
feeding back to us.
153
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,608
That's more than
moderately weird, Kryten.
154
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,047
That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.
155
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,250
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
156
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,446
So what do you think is happening?
157
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,921
I think I know,
but I need to test me theory.
158
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,321
So, test it!
159
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:02,971
Okay, you ready?
160
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:04,561
Ready.
161
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:05,841
OK then.
162
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,641
Make my breakfast.
163
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,484
I ain't making you breakfast.
164
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,128
(HUMMING)
165
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:15,681
More bacon, bud?
166
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,042
I've already had breakfast.
I'm not going to eat this.
167
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,001
(INAUDIBLE)
168
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:24,720
I'm going to eat this.
169
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:27,801
I don't get it.
170
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,404
Whatever choice you make,
the choice you don't make happens.
171
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,447
We should go tell Kryten
and helicopter landing pad head.
172
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,609
Good idea, but first tidy my bunk.
173
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,604
I ain't tidying your bunk!
174
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,602
Oh! I get it now.
175
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,006
Oh, do you?
176
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,209
- Yeah.
- Well. Polish my boots.
177
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:55,323
(HESITATINGLY) I ain't, not going
to not polish your boots.
178
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:04,367
Damn it!
179
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,328
You miscounted your ain't and nots.
180
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,241
So what's the plan?
181
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,842
Well, I say, let's not walk down
the corridor
182
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,565
and not get the lift
to the Science Room.
183
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,290
- And not find the others?
- Exactly.
184
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,807
My kind of mission, let's do nothing.
185
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,041
(BUZZES)
186
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,485
You had a choice to make
between the lift and the stairs.
187
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,688
I didn't think and just chose the lift.
188
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,842
So here we are, on the stairs.
189
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,241
Two hundred and twenty nine floors
above G deck.
190
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,086
So what are we gonna do now?
191
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,322
We just got to decide
not to use the lift
192
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,409
and continue walking down the stairs.
193
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,201
I think we're getting the hang
of this now. Whoo! (HOOTS)
194
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:47,401
No!
(BUZZES)
195
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,161
It was instinct!
196
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:57,607
Look, if you want to call a lift,
you've got to decide not to call a lift,
197
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,125
and then, a lift will be called.
198
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,091
Hey, I'm not a moron.
199
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,767
Which in this reality,
makes you a moron.
200
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,209
It's just a question
of remembering to do the opposite.
201
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:08,761
So here's the plan,
202
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,241
we're gonna continue
to walk down the stairs,
203
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,724
we're going to continue not to go
to the science room
204
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,048
where we won't speak
to Kryten and Rimmer
205
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,403
and we definitely won't find out
what the smegging hell is going on.
206
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,081
(BEEPS)
207
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,488
Have you figured out
what's hell's happening yet?
208
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:26,641
I believe I have sir.
209
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:30,008
May I suggest, we don't stay here
and we don't discuss
210
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,130
- the peculiar events taking place.
- Definitely not.
211
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,565
I don't agree with any of that.
212
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:35,921
Are You guys nuts?
213
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,481
We gotta stay here and figure out
what the hell's happening.
214
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:39,561
ALL: No!
215
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,089
You are so not a moron.
216
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,480
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
217
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,283
As we all know, every single decision
every person rejects,
218
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,930
creates a new universe.
219
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,651
Which leads us to believe
there is a universe somewhere
220
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,764
where every possible thing
that could happen, happens.
221
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,211
So somewhere, there's a universe
where you get to the point?
222
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,126
And, a universe
where double denim with crocs is cool?
223
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,360
There'll probably even be a universe
where I return to my old ship
224
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,965
and apply for a new post.
225
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,849
I can just picture their faces,
226
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,849
"Oh, but you're just a bog bot,
227
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,889
"fit only for cleaning toilets."
228
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,449
And I say, "just toilets?
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
229
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:27,681
"Is that what you think?
230
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,411
"So, how come I can do this?"
231
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,921
And I take them all down
to their Science Deck
232
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,525
and I mop that floor.
233
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,001
It makes you think though,
234
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,408
all those decisions
you've made in your life,
235
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,449
somewhere, a different version of you
236
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,330
is living out the opposite
of all your decisions.
237
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,451
What a life he must be having,
that lucky bastard.
238
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,209
All the women who said "no" to me
in this universe, said "yes" to him.
239
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,210
Hmmm. All two of them.
240
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,361
So, what's caused this lesion?
Have we any ideas?
241
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,968
Well, I believe it may be a result
of an experiment I've been testing.
242
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,521
ALL: You?
243
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,286
I've been trying to create
a portable device
244
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,001
that allows the user to quantum skip
to other universes.
245
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:14,681
So, what's gone wrong?
246
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,041
It appears it's worked,
247
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,011
but I may have
slightly miscalculated the settings
248
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,526
and ripped a hole in space time.
249
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,401
So wait a minute,
250
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,962
you built a Quantum Skipper
on board Red Dwarf? How?
251
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,204
Well, not so much built as repaired,
252
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:34,088
it was among the tech we salvaged
from the Quantum research station
253
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,446
we visited last month.
254
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,206
So, hang on. Are you saying
if we tweak the settings,
255
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,966
we can fix the lesion
and Quantum skip between universes?
256
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,168
- Indeed.
- Why would we want to do that?
257
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,290
What's so great about here?
258
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:47,681
It's got me.
259
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,251
I can't leave, I'm the last human being
in this universe,
260
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,651
I've got responsibilities.
261
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,041
What about you Kryten?
262
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,562
I need to stay here
and look after Mr. Lister.
263
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:01,886
Without me, he'd fall apart
quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.
264
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,246
Oh, Kryten give over.
265
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,731
Uh, sir, that power line's live,
it's best not to suck it.
266
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,121
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(SHOCKS)
267
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:13,881
Cheers, Krytes.
268
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,566
Kryten, when will this Quantum skipper
be up and running?
269
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,447
Well, I hope to have the lesion closed
and the skipper fully functioning
270
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,521
in a few hours, sir.
271
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,527
- So, you're going then?
- Of course, I am.
272
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,606
It's a chance for a new life,
a fresh start.
273
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,883
New people. Better people.
274
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,121
He should do this.
275
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,488
Who knows, maybe
there's another universe out there
276
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,289
where he isn't such a giant loser.
277
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,127
Even with an infinite number
of universes,
278
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,486
that's going to take some finding.
279
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,808
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
280
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,568
I'm recalibrating the settings now.
281
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,449
(BEEPING) So, have I got a menu
to choose from?
282
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,961
Oh, not as such sir,
283
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:54,401
but all the dimensions
284
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,960
should, in some way,
be closely connected to our own
285
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,722
and skipping between realities should be
relatively straight forward,
286
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,611
although the Quantum skipper
287
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,604
does require recharge time
between skips.
288
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,128
So, what do I do
to quantum skip out of here?
289
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,368
Why so long? Come on, tell him!
290
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,723
You simply press this button here, sir
291
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,766
and you will be transported
to a random universe
292
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,001
within the multiverse.
293
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,011
Now, is there anything you want to say
before you go?
294
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:25,121
Well, as you know, I'm not one
for long farewell speeches,
295
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,850
but, I have written this.
296
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:32,881
See ya!
297
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,401
(BEEPS)
298
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:43,761
(EXHALES)
299
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:45,686
This is just Red Dwarf.
300
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,362
I thought I was going to quantum skip
somewhere good.
301
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:05,447
Morning, Arnold.
302
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,001
Morning, Holly.
303
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,046
Holly? When is this? Where am I?
304
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,642
It's Monday and you're in a corridor.
305
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,331
Anything else I can help you with?
306
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,720
Are you still senile?
307
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,486
I've never been senile.
308
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,289
I was a dancing cabbage for a while
309
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:33,881
but I'm over that now.
310
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,208
Turned out it was some corrupted files.
311
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,523
So you're sane again?
Have you been tested?
312
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,768
I 'm a computer that runs the ship.
313
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,210
I 'm tested every month.
Of course, I've been tested.
314
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,686
I'm always being tested.
315
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,043
Can you prove that?
Have you got a certificate?
316
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,884
Well, no, I failed the tests.
317
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,723
I forgot to turn the paper over.
318
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,483
I didn't realize there were two sides.
319
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,528
- Bradley?
- Get back to work, Rimmer.
320
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,006
The crew are alive?
321
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,642
- Yes, Arnold.
- The original crew?
322
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,121
Yes, Arnold.
323
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,681
Captain Hollister?
324
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,561
Nobody's dead, Arnold.
325
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:18,721
Todhunter?
326
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,565
Nobody's dead, Arnold.
327
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:26,727
Not even Petersen?
328
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,891
- Nobody.
- Nobody's dead? Not even Lister?
329
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:33,921
Gordon Bennett,
330
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,522
Lister, Petersen, nobody.
331
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,010
Nobody is dead. Nobody is dead, Arnold.
332
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,923
So hang on, you're telling me
nobody's dead?
333
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,410
I wish I'd never bought this up now.
334
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,728
How is this any better
than where I came from?
335
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,889
Where's Lister?
Where is that little goit?
336
00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,406
He's in stasis.
337
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,564
He smuggled an unquarantined animal
338
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,405
on board, so got thrown
into suspended animation.
339
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,601
So wait.
340
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,724
How did you all survive the radiation
leak that wiped out all the crew?
341
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,083
There hasn't been
a radiation leak, Arnold.
342
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,281
Are you sure?
343
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,171
Sorry to break off, Arnold,
I've got to make an announcement.
344
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,241
(BUZZING)
345
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,080
Radiation leak alert!
346
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,010
(SIREN WAILING)
347
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,365
Radiation leak alert!
348
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,049
All crew should run around screaming.
349
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,845
Oh, my God! It's happening now!
350
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,970
According to this wall console,
351
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,283
a cadmium two radiation leak,
352
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,370
and it's sweeping it's way
through the ship.
353
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,884
We've lost the entire port side.
354
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,361
Not just the port, the sherry,
the brandy,
355
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,164
we've lost the entire bar deck.
356
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,000
(BEEPING) Damn this needs
more recharge time.
357
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,849
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
358
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,769
- Captain?
- Oh, Rimmer.
359
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:00,765
Man this is embarrassing.
360
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:01,921
What are you doing?
361
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,129
I was trying to go down with the Dwarf
do the right thing,
362
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,727
when suddenly,
I tripped into this escape pod.
363
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,526
Thought I was pressing the "get me out
of this damned thing
364
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,523
"I want to die nobly
with my crew" button,
365
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,485
only it turned out to be
the "get me home fast" switch.
366
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,009
Now, it's launching.
367
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,967
Just press that emergency open switch,
take me with you.
368
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:26,527
I'd like to invite you along Rimmer,
but as you can see,
369
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,206
it's only a four seater,
so there's only room for me.
370
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,723
But, sir, I thought all good captains
went down with their ships.
371
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,686
They do. Laters.
372
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,245
(BUZZING AND THUDDING)
373
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:42,961
(BEEPING)
374
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,808
(BEEPING)
Oh, nuts.
375
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:51,481
(BUZZING)
376
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,249
(SIGHING) What reality's this?
377
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:55,641
(BEEPING)
378
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:58,881
Hello?
379
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,481
Hello?
380
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:03,921
Oh, it's you.
381
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,761
Ah sir, there you are,
we're about to eat.
382
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,847
Kryten, where is this? Where am I?
Where's Lister?
383
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,165
Are you feeling quite all right, sir?
384
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,927
I've just Quantum skipped
from another reality,
385
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,128
I'm looking for something better
than the one I came from.
386
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:19,846
What's Lister like here?
387
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,403
Well, he's a lovely, kind, hard-working,
wonderful man,
388
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,365
an absolute delight to be with.
389
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,290
Evening, chaps.
390
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,245
We have a new Mr. Rimmer, sir,
391
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,927
he's Quantum skipped into our universe.
392
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,528
That's a shame,
I rather liked the old Rimmer.
393
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,567
Is there something wrong with you?
You don't like me.
394
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,763
Of course, I like you,
we're space chums.
395
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,965
Are you different from my Lister?
396
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,888
A guy who cleans his teeth
and pees in the toilet simultaneously
397
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,327
even though the basin and the toilet
are in different rooms?
398
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,729
That's disgusting, I'd never do that.
399
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,048
Oh by the way, Kryten, later on,
I need your help.
400
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,203
I want to re-label my collection
of vintage wires.
401
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,808
(EXCITEDLY) You've got a collection
of vintage wires?
402
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:10,086
Actually, I'm quite excited because
I've just added a digital coaxial audio
403
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,410
and a 25-pin parallel port printer
404
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,331
to my not inconsiderable collection.
405
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,043
I'm really loving what I see here.
406
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,481
Mr. Rimmer, sir,
407
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,247
will you be joining myself,
Mr. Lister and Mr. Rat for dinner?
408
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,601
Of course I...
409
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:29,241
Mr. who?
410
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,282
(GONG SOUNDING)
411
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,287
Yo. Krytie!
412
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:47,921
Where's my dinner at?
413
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,648
What on earth is that?
414
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,201
Where's Cat?
415
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:55,601
Who's Cat?
416
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,201
You...
417
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,730
You got put into stasis
418
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,882
because, you smuggled your pet cat
on board.
419
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,608
No, I got put into stasis
420
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,445
'cause I smuggled my pet Rat on board
421
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,049
and then they all evolved
into these chaps.
422
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,241
Yeah!
423
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,562
But then, they left
to find the promised land
424
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,648
and had some
insane religious war, right?
425
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,204
No, they stayed here actually.
Been there, whacked down on G deck.
426
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,169
Yeah! And A deck.
427
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:27,961
And B Deck.
428
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,161
And C Deck.
429
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,170
Yeah. In fact, any damn deck we want.
430
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,968
Sometimes, they even sleep with me.
431
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,247
RAT: Mmmm!
432
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,521
Yeah.
433
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,882
He's so warm and snuggly!
434
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,482
Would you like some cheese sauce
on your cheese, sir?
435
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,201
Hell, yeah!
436
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,885
Well, thanks for the invite,
but I think I'll skip dinner.
437
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:58,961
(CLEARS THROAT)
438
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:07,889
This has got to be better
than Rat World,
439
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,081
(BUZZES)
440
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,208
(MUSIC PLAYING)
441
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:15,961
ALL LISTERS: Hey Rimmer!
442
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,441
Uh, no.
443
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,961
Where am I?
444
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:26,921
What reality is this?
445
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,767
Kryten, why can't I move?
446
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,281
Kryten!
447
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,401
(CLEANS SQUEAKILY)
448
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,601
Morning, sir.
449
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:39,601
(BEEPS)
450
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,569
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
451
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,690
(CHANTING) Om!
452
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:53,801
No.
453
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,609
(GROWLING)
No.
454
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,491
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
RIMMER: No.
455
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,165
(ROARING)
RIMMER: No.
456
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,321
(SCREECHING)
RIMMER: No.
457
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,963
I'm human here.
At least, that's something.
458
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,008
(IN DISTINCT CHATTER)
459
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,211
Sir. Officer Rimmer, sir.
460
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,081
I'm an Officer?
461
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:18,841
I'm an Officer?
462
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,161
(BEEPS) Here I am.
463
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,008
"Rimmer. Navigation officer." Yes!
464
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,124
"Married." Yes!
465
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,802
"Children four." Are they boys?
466
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,321
Yes!
467
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,244
I've got everything I ever wanted here.
468
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,721
Uh, sorry sir, I forgot to mention,
469
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,649
the Captain wants to see you
in his office.
470
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,086
I'm passing by your quarters,
471
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,367
so, I'll let Mrs. Rimmer know
you'll be a couple of minutes late.
472
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,207
- Thank you, Parkinson.
- My pleasure, sir.
473
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,728
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
474
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,650
Rimmer, sir. You wanted to see me.
475
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,048
I run a fairly tight ship here Rimmer.
476
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,001
It's one of the reasons
I'm so universally respected.
477
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:15,081
Fancy a cold one?
478
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:20,891
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
479
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,767
Okay, a shot it is. What's your poison?
480
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:25,641
Lister, it's lunch time.
481
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,127
I mean, sir,
482
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,289
it's lunch time, aren't you on duty?
483
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,561
I'm always on duty, Rimmer.
484
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,768
When you're the Captain,
there's no down time.
485
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,089
- Cigar?
- No, thank you...
486
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:36,521
...sir.
487
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,601
Burger?
488
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:40,849
Nothing, sir.
489
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,001
I tell ya,
490
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,447
having one of these stasis booths
installed in my office
491
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,649
so day and night I've got
a constant supply of hot tasty snacks
492
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,564
frozen in time
was the best decision I ever made.
493
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:52,765
Perhaps, I should explain, sir.
494
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,286
I'm not your Rimmer.
495
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,962
I Quantum skipped from another universe.
496
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,491
Is that slang for getting slaughtered?
497
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,969
Are you familiar with the multiverse?
498
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,486
That strip club on Venus?
499
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,409
Okay, I went there once,
is that a crime?
500
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:08,481
All right, maybe twice.
501
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,763
Okay, I'm a lifetime member
502
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,525
but what happens on Venus,
stays on Venus.
503
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:19,120
My God,
how did you ever get to be Captain?
504
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,244
I spotted a faulty drive plate,
505
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,205
without me, this whole damn crew
would have been wiped out.
506
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,211
After that, it was up, up the ziggurat.
Lickety split.
507
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:29,641
Come on.
508
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,166
I'll show you to your quarters.
509
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,327
Here we go Rimmer.
510
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,006
The old bunk room.
511
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:42,761
Hasn't been used in years.
512
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,608
We're really home. And I'm alive,
not a hologram,
513
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,205
but an officer and a gentleman.
514
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,489
Looking forward
to getting home meself, actually.
515
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:56,962
- Seeing Krissie.
- Kochanski?
516
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,531
No, it's short for Crystal.
517
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,371
Met her at the Multi-verse.
518
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,240
She danced on table nine.
519
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,889
So, you're happily married
to a stripper, big deal.
520
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,164
And you're the Captain of a beaten up,
old mining ship,
521
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,971
doing jags up and down the Milky Way
every six months.
522
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,565
Why should I be jealous?
523
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,483
'Cause, when I fixed the drive plate,
524
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,208
they offered me some cash
to keep me schtum...
525
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:21,521
So you got a pay off?
526
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,888
No, I refused the settlement
527
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,287
and opted for shares. They said yes.
528
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,520
They had no idea we're gonna stumble
across a planet rich in Helium 7.
529
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,081
Made a fortune.
530
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:35,726
I can't live here.
531
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,046
- On Earth?
- In this Universe.
532
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,084
I can't live in a reality
where you're more successful than me.
533
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,761
You're home, on Earth. You're alive.
534
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,571
You've got everything you ever wanted.
535
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:50,681
It's not worth it.
536
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:52,721
The pain of it would be...
537
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,321
...too much.
538
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:56,841
(BEEPS)
539
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,605
Oh, come on. One more hand I want to win
match sticks back.
540
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,403
Oh, sir, you're back. (CHUCKLES)
541
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,290
Did you find a universe
where you felt less of a loser?
542
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,041
Deal him in.
543
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,051
Infinite clearly wasn't enough.
544
00:27:15,101 --> 00:27:19,651
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40658
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.