All language subtitles for Red Dwarf s11e01 Twentica.eng

Red Dwarf - Season 11 Episode 01 - TWENTICA In
memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.

Gentlemen, crack open
a fresh pack of

rubber pantaloons.
We have a problem!

We're picking up a ship
heading straight for us

in an unmapped region
of deep space.

Where?

Here in "Region Uncharted Sector No-Name"
quadrant "Nameless".

Message incoming!

I'm seeking J.M.C. Second Technician
Arnold Judas Rimmer.

Keep it zipped.
Say nothing.

Sound-wise we're going
commando, people.

That's him there!

I cracked, sorry guys.

I tried to stay strong,
but he broke me!

Second Technician Rimmer,

I understand you have a crewman

who falls under
your jurisdiction,

a David Lister.

Right there, Bud!

Sorry guys.
He broke me again!

Wh-what do you expect?!
I'm not made of concrete!

I am Combat Droid 4,
of Batch 27.

We wish to conduct a
transaction of goods with you.

But you're simulants.
You despise humans.

Why would you want
to trade with us?

You have something we want, and we
have something you want.

What?

A hostage, taken from a
human transport ship.

Allow me to show you.

We cannot negotiate
with simulants.

We cannot cave in
to their insane demands.

Under no circumstances
are J.M.C. personnel

permitted to negotiate
with the enemy.

Guys, it's me!!!

They've taken me hostage!
You've gotta help me!!

Of course, that's what
the J.M.C. think,

But who the hell listens
to those pen pushers?

Here are our demands:

One second.
We need a moment.

What's going on here?
Is that me?!?

How can it be me?
I'm here!

There are a number of options, Sir.

All involving you,
and all extremely bad.

I'm all ears!

Perhaps that person we saw,

is a different version
of Mr. Rimmer,

from an alternative dimension.

So if he dies,
not the end of the world.

Or, perhaps he's a
clone of Mr. Rimmer,

produced, somehow,
from his D.N.A.

Again, if he dies,
not the end of the world.

Or perhaps that man is you, Sir.

A "you" seized from the future,
and taken back into the past.

Again, if he dies -
not the end of the world!

We've no choice.
We're gonna have to negotiate.

But we never
negotiate with the enemy.

Until today.

Well, if that's the
way they're going to roll,

let me handle negotiations.

You think I'm going to leave

the life of a possible
"future me" in your hands?!

I've seen movies, Rimmer.

I know how to talk to
hostage-takers.

I've done J.M.C.
crisis negotiation, Lister.

I'm handling this, now get me a pad
and open coms!

Okay, Arn.
We're working on the pad.

But in return,

I'm going to need
something from you.

Wait a minute.
Are you just using your

"hostage" negotiation techniques on me?
Just get me a damned pad!

Okay, Arnold - we're working on the pad,
but you've got to realize,

I can't pull a pad out of my ass
in five minutes -

I've gotta talk to my boss,
they've gotta talk to their boss -

they've gotta talk to the D.A.

Here are my demands:

In return for the whiny
human hologram man,

You will give us
the Casket of Kronos,

which you salvaged from our

abandoned attack ship,
the A.S. Anatos.

The casket of what?!
What's that?

It contains the essence of
23 of 27.

I remember this.

It's upstairs in the rec-room
underneath the pool table.

For safe-keeping?

Nah - to keep the table level.

Go and get it!

Oh, man!

Now the pool table's going to be
all bend and wibbly again!!

You have the casket of Kronos?

How do we know
you won't betray us?

I am 4 of 27.

I am a warrior,
and high-born.

Who do you think I am?

3 of 63?

3 of 63?
You're nothing like him.

Then...
We trade.

Now, what about the hostage?

Wait!
I'm being taken hostage!

I'm back!
Thank God!

I was their hostage!

I didn't think you were
ever going to save me!

I was kinda hoping we weren't!

You were gone two seconds!

Two seconds for you,
but for me, it was hours.

I over-heard what
they were saying.

That Kronos casket didn't
contain the spirit of anyone.

It was an amplifier
they needed to plug into

their temporal transporter
to expand the beam.

What?!?

They're Expenoids.

What the hell are Expenoids?!

Droids capable of doubling their

transistor power
every two years.

They progressed so rapidly,

they became a threat to every
living entity in the universe.

What are they planing?

To travel back into the past
to change the present.

That's a bit old-hat, isn't it?

How many times have
we seen that before?

Expenoids are unemotional,
cold-hearted psychopaths.

They will have no hesitation
using hackneyed old cliches -

if it suits their purpose.

If they've come back
into the past

to screw around with
human evolution,

how come I'm still here?

Maybe you didn't qualify!?

Look at the scanner.
They're accelerating!

Preparing to time-jump!
We need to get after them,

stop whatever they're doing,
and get that Kronos machine back.

So we can utilize it's time-travel
abilities ourselves?

No.

So we can prop the
pool table back up!

We haven't a second to lose.

If we hurry, we can time-surf
on their slipstream.

Planet up ahead.

I'm detecting some kind
of electron wavelet,

...approaching at speed!!

We've lost navigation!

And steering!

And monitors!

And meeeeeeee...

I think what he was about to
say was we're both...

All the electrics are down!

What the hell's happening?!?

We're crashing!
That's what the hell's happening!

Now brakes!?!

Do you think this is a good time to
make a crack about my teeth?

The brakes!?!

Kryten couldn't be more fried,
if he was a Mars bar living in Scotland.

Rimmer is out too.

Every cloud!!

What the hell happened?!?

We got hit by some sort of
electro-magnetic pulse weapon.

It's taken out the grid,

and drained everything
connected to it.

We need to reboot
using the auxiliary drives!

Jumpy's attached!

I always forget which one is pos
and which one is negative.

Don't get them mixed up, Bud.

Or you'll wind up with nipples that
look like two barbecued-flavored nicknacks.

Here goes nothing...

Okay.
Start her up.

Sir!
What happened?!?

Kryten, stand up
and walk up and down

really fast to
recharge your dynamo.

Get going!

And don't stop 'til you're
fully charged.

Close hatches!

So embarrassing.

What happened?!

I think we got hit by
one of those P.M.T.'s!

And where are the Expenoids?

There's no sign of their ship
and there's no sign of them.

Krytes - any theories?

Well, according to the monitor,
they too landed here.

But due to the curvature
of space-time,

several years have elapsed
in the time it took us to get here.

We've gotta find them,
and get that Kronos machine!

Well, the vibrations
in the lithosphere,

tells us there's some kind of
township not far from here.

Are we there yet?

Not far now, Sirs.

Real people?!

I'm going to be seeing
real people again!

Gas street lighting.

Steam-powered right-hand
driving motor vehicles.

Technology-wise,
this time period

doesn't correlate with
anything in my data base.

Any theories, Krytes?

None at this juncture, Sir.

Why do you always ask him
if he's got any theories?

I'm Acting Standing Commanding
Senior Premier Officer.

Why do you never ask me?

Maybe I've got a theory,

maybe I've got a
really great theory,

but you're always
too busy asking him

to find out how great
my theory really is!

Okay.

Any theories, Rimmer?

No!

It's the principal.

Look at that.

Closed for violations of the
Prohibition Act.

Prohibition?
That was the 1920s!

Yeah.

And alcohol was banned

and the bootleggers
took over - dark days.

Society run by a bunch of
hoodlum gangsters.

Dark days, indeed!

I was thinking more about
the booze ban.

Whatever they're prohibiting
around there ain't booze.

Look at that!

Well, if it's not booze
they prohibiting, what is it?

According to this leaflet,
the year is 1952!

Nearly two decades after
prohibition ended!

What's going on?

Well lookee here!
Illegal contraband.

If that's the penalty for toast,

what the hell
do you get for pizza?!

It's not the toast that's illegal, Sir.
It's the technology.

That's why the electro wavelet
shook down Starbug.

Any technology beyond the
1920s is illegal around here.

Unless, of course,
you're an Expenoid.

The Expenoids haven't traveled
into the past to change the present,

They traveled into the past
to enslave humanity!

By doing what?

By traveling into a point in history,

where we haven't got the
technology to defeat them,

or defend ourselves.

And they plan for it to stay that way.
Hence the tech ban.

A tech ban, which means you Sir,
are illegal.

He is?!

I may move here!

Lay down roots
and start a family!

He's not the only one
who is illegal.

So am I!!

You know the penalty.

Looks like they're
gonna shoot them!

Hey!

Is he dead?
He's moaning.

Can you blame him?
He's just been shot!!

Did you see what happened?

Yeah. We saw.
We'll get you a doctor.

It's too late.
I ain't gonna make it.

Here.

Pizza delivery?
You want a pizza now?

Oh, wrong pocket.

The Lady Be Good Club.

Here, ask for Harmony de Gauthier,

and give her this...

What is it?

It appears to be some kind
of machine part, Sir.

We've gotta get to this
Lady Be Good club.

Dressed like this?!

We've gotta get some clothes!

Have you done this before?

It was the only way
to get home sometimes.

When I lost all my money playing
Texas Hold 'em.

I know it was wrong.
I was young.

I was stupid.

But what do you really know
when you're seven?

Stealing cars at the
age of seven?

Why didn't you take the bus?

Hot wire a bus?
I was seven!

Just wasn't up to it!

Catching the bus.

What's wrong with catching
the bus home from school?

Who mentioned school?
I was off shoplifting.

Don't look at me like that.

Been on the straight and narrow
since I was nine.

Ten.

All right.
Eleven.

This must be it.

But there's no buzzer.

Tech Cap.

Allow me, Sirs.

I am well-versed in the ancient
human signaling technique,

that was all the rage

before electro-magnetism
was discovered,

and the electric buzzer took off.

Now, if memory serves...

We're out.

I'll handle this.

American's love
the English accent,

so that rules out Lister.

They're particularly impressed
by people who say "whom" a lot.

I bid you good evening,
stout fellow.

My companions,
whom stand before you,

require information
about a personage

to whom I understand
frequents your establishment

and who goes by the name
Harmony de Gauthier.

Are whom acquainted
with said lady?

You been drinkin'
the giggle water?

If you ain't members, beat it.

Listen buddy,

You know who you got
standing out here?

Not so cold you could serve
him up in a martini cocktail?

Lucky, no middle name,

Listerano!

Ain't you got no lugs?
I said "blow".

Wait...
Listerano?

He ain't related to the scientist
Joseph Lister, is he?

Uncle Joe?
Of course I am.

Straight down the stairs -
first to the left.

What is this place?

It appears to be some sort of
elicit science club,

a place where bootleg professors

and astrophysicists get together

to create illegal tech

and discuss outlawed
scientific theories.

You boys want company?

We're looking for a
Harmony de Gauthier.

Hey Harm,

there's a bunny here
wants to get acquainted.

So, uh, you want to
grab a drink first

or you wanna go somewhere
quiet to discuss relativity?

For an extra $10, I'll do both.
General and special.

No, that's - that's not
why I'm here.

You into electrons?

Is that what pings
your microwave?

You want to watch me do the
double-slit test?

And experience the
probabilistic nature

of quantum mechanics?

What?
No!

Every guy likes particles
that turn into waves, right?

Or maybe you're more in the mood

for some Copenhagen
interpretation?

You know what I'm talking about;

where sub-atomic
events are only

perceptible as in-deterministic
physically discontinuous

transitions between discrete
stationary states?

Look, we're not here to
do science with you, okay?

I'll wear a tweed suit
and sensible shoes

if that revs up your engine.

We're here for something else.

Hey, I don't do the Big Bang!

That's Beryl.

And if you're looking for
unified field theory, I ain't your gal.

Look, we've been sent here
to deliver some gizmo.

We got told you might help.

This is the capacitor.

If the cops get
their mitts on this,

we're deader than
Galileo's theory of tides.

So who are you?

Just some guys from the
future looking to help.

So what does that thing do?

It fits into this.

But how, I don't know.
It's not my area.

You were just keeping it safe.

Exactly.
No one goes up there.

So what does this thing do?

It infiltrates the
electron wavelet and redirects it.

Creates an E.M.P.
to destroy the Expenoids.

You got it.

Any clue how they go together?

We're all theoretical.

And all the scientists still active
have been driven underground -

Nobody's exactly rah-rah
about getting sent to "Old Steamy."

So there's no scientists around

who can put this thing together?

Just the bums and palookas

who fell apart when they
couldn't practice science.

Where are they?

They spend all day
drinking themselves goofy.

Einstein, Hubble, and Edison...

but you only get phonus bolognus
out of those screwballs.

They're spiflicating -
morning, noon, and night.

Did you say Einstein
..as in Albert Einstein?

Sure.

He's half-goofy now,
screaming at people who aren't there.

Walking around the park pushing
a pram full of string.

He's got some theory about it,
but no one will listen.

Pram theory?

Einstein's one of the most brilliant
minds that ever lived.

He can do anything.

You think I'm just off the boat?

Well, where will we find him?

At this time?

Probably on the corner of
Hope Street with the other blueys.

Hey man, is that your pram?

Yes!

Sir, allow me to
introduce myself...

Who the hell are you?!

Acting Senior Officer Arnold Rimmer
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

I have to say at school,
I always loved the bit of science.

Bunsen burners - brilliant!

Dropping sodium into water -
all that fizzing marvelous!

Oh, and congratulations on...
what was it again?

The Theory of Relativity, Sir.

The Theory of Relativity.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Of course!
Of course.

In this world he hasn't
achieved anything.

So how can he help us?

He'll still be a genius.

Whatever problem we give him,
he'll be able to solve.

Come on - let's get Hiney the Winey
back to the Lady Be Good.

This way, Sir.
That's my pram. My pram.

You leave the string alone, yes?

Don't take my string.
You leave my string alone, see?

It will be fine, Sir.
It's very safe.

My string...
We won't touch your string.

My string.
It's your string.

You mind getting him a steak
with string fries or something?

Now here's the problem.

We gotta get this into
this somehow.

How?

You think I know?

I don't know.

Yes you do.
And do you know why?

Because you're a genius.
You can do this!

I can do this?!

We realize electrics isn't
strictly Einstein's field,

but we thought he was so
incredibly brilliant,

he'd be able to figure it out!

You ain't going to get nothin'
out of this gutter muncher.

Oh, and why not?

'Cause this bird ain't Einstein!

What, so he's just some old bum

who pushes around
a pram full of string?!

You've got it.

We haven't been introduced.

I am Bob the Bum.

So, you want to know if
I can get this potato

into this potato?

I'll get right onto it.

I didn't realize
I was so brilliant!!

Cops!
Coming down the alley!!

It's a raid!!!!!

Find something to do!!

Don't look suspicious!

It doesn't go there...

How about there?

I can do this!
I'm brilliant!

Okay!
Everybody pipe down.

Quiet!!
This is a raid.

Hey, drinkin' and dancin'
ain't illegal - what's the beef?

Harmony de Gauthier!

Now that's one fancy stage name.

But you ain't foolin' no one,
Professor Baldwin!!

That's who you are, ain't it?

A dirty,
no-good scientist

who'll discuss theoretical
physics with anyone

so long as the funding's right!

I'm outta the
science game now, see?

I ain't touched a
Petri dish in months.

How dense do you think I am?

You really wanna know?

Just divide your
mass by your volume.

Hey!

What the hell
happened to your face?

Who?
Me?

I went bobbing for apples
in a cement mixer.

Sure you did.

So what do ya do?

I just play in the band, Mam.

Oooh, and what about you?
Are YOU a scientist?

Think a scientist can
tap dance like that?!

Wait a minute!

How come you're drinkin' out of a
Erlenmeyer flask?

Dey been doin' science!!

You're busted!!!

We nailed a couple of
white coats, Boss.

We think they know
something about

this screwy contraption machine

the Resistance bunnies

been working on
to whack you guys.

So, we meet again.

You really don't mind the
hackneyed old cliche, do ya?

You know we're really not
so different, you and I.

Now you're taking this, Mech.

What is it you want?

Human beings,
in the distant future,

realized that humanity
was not mature enough

to handle modern technology,

and so, we were created

to prevent that
version of the future

from ever happening.

We are the good guys here.

But you kill people!

No one said that we couldn't have
a little fun along the way.

So what happens to us?

Are you going to kill us, too?

I wasn't planning to,

but you know,
that's a really good idea.

You're gonna kill us
in cold blood?!

Actually human blood isn't cold.

It's around 37.5 degrees
centigrade.

Prepare to die, human scum.

You said you were
a high-born!

A droid of distinction!

A real big spender!!

So much better than
that other droid -

...what was his name?

3 of 63.

Did someone say my name?

Ah, so you're 3 of 63?

What of it?

Nothing.
D-don't say anything.

We're good now.

He was slagging you off
behind your back!!

What?!?

Look, just leave it, 3 of 63.
It's not worth it.

No, no - you were slagging me off
behind my back?!?

Look, you remember we were going

through that bad patch?

You're no better than 18 of 241.

Two potato

makes one potato!!!!

He did it!!!

Bob!!

You are brilliant!

Just like you said!

We don't have much time!

This place will be swarming with
Expenoids in no time!!

If I can hook this
to the transmitter,

we can send the
signal world-wide

and wipe out all the mechs.

Whoa-whoa.
What about Kryten?!

We have to detonate it,
there's no choice.

No!!!

Lister, don't you see?
Once the Expenoids are gone,

you can stay here.

We'll no longer be
trapped together.

I can't lose Kryten!

Listen to me, Sir.

Mr. Rimmer is speaking only about
what is best for you!

As obviously,
detonating a global E.M.P.

will destroy him, too!

Hang on!
It's gonna take me out, too?!?

Anything electrical.

My hair straighteners?!?

Hand over the E.M.P.

I already detonated it while
you two were yackin'.

You got 15 minutes to scram.

LEG IT!!!!!

We're 5 minutes from orbit.

Activating the Kronos machine.

Sir, we're going to hit
some turb at 37,000 feet.

Any chance we can go
a shorter route?

Not according to Pythagoras.

Yeah, well Pythagoras wasn't
much of a pilot.

Leave this to me.

I learned a few
things today, Kryten.

Huhm, really Sir?
What about?

Well it seems to me
that us humans

better be on our toes-

make sure we don't
lose ourselves,

and let technology take over.

Mmm.
I'll make a note, Sir,

and remind you if you
ever appear to be in danger.

Arms?

Yeah.
Yeah, you do that.

Shoe?

Other shoe.

Sockie.

Other sockie.

Don't rely on machines, Kryten.

Or else we'll lose the very thing
that makes us human.

Open.

Ahh.
That's the lad.

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