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1
00:00:04,828 --> 00:00:07,991
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
00:01:24,441 --> 00:01:25,430
(SCREAMS)
3
00:01:26,410 --> 00:01:28,173
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
4
00:01:28,345 --> 00:01:31,007
(CROAKS) Come in.
5
00:01:32,115 --> 00:01:34,140
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
6
00:01:34,318 --> 00:01:36,616
(WEAKLY) Come in.
7
00:01:37,421 --> 00:01:40,515
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Come in.
8
00:01:42,826 --> 00:01:44,521
Can I come in, sir?
9
00:01:44,695 --> 00:01:47,892
I did knock, sir. Perhaps you didn't hear me.
10
00:01:48,065 --> 00:01:49,896
Your hot lemon, sir.
11
00:01:53,036 --> 00:01:58,668
Goddamn yellow fever. I've still got
that jowly flabby puffiness around my cheeks.
12
00:01:58,842 --> 00:02:01,970
Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?
13
00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:05,273
Yes, I'm sure it was because...
14
00:02:06,416 --> 00:02:08,213
Let me tuck you in, sir.
15
00:02:08,385 --> 00:02:14,483
- How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?
- Enjoying it. Directives for you to sign, sir.
16
00:02:16,727 --> 00:02:22,097
What's this Space Corps free pardon
exonerating you of all crimes doing in here?
17
00:02:22,266 --> 00:02:24,962
(GASPS)
18
00:02:26,203 --> 00:02:31,937
Those people in Admin really need to pay more
mind, sir. You can't rely on anyone these days!
19
00:02:35,012 --> 00:02:40,473
I'm so sorry, but if I've got a record, I'll never
become an officer and command my own ship.
20
00:02:40,651 --> 00:02:43,245
That's what I long for - to be like you.
21
00:02:43,420 --> 00:02:45,911
Maybe thinner and in better condition,
22
00:02:46,089 --> 00:02:49,252
and, obviously, without your clogged arteries.
23
00:02:49,426 --> 00:02:52,554
That aside, you're the person I admire the most.
24
00:02:52,729 --> 00:02:57,325
- Another ambition achieved.
- You think I could become an officer one day?
25
00:02:58,902 --> 00:03:04,807
Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this,
Rimmer, but you're just not officer material.
26
00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:10,038
- Not officer material, sir?
- Take my advice and redirect your energies.
27
00:03:10,213 --> 00:03:14,081
Find something that you have
a genuine chance of succeeding at.
28
00:03:14,251 --> 00:03:16,310
Like what, sir?
29
00:03:16,486 --> 00:03:18,647
(CROAKING MUMBLE)
30
00:03:20,057 --> 00:03:22,924
I'm never going to become a captain, sir?
Never?
31
00:03:23,093 --> 00:03:25,152
(CROAKS)
32
00:03:25,329 --> 00:03:26,626
(KNOCKING)
33
00:03:26,797 --> 00:03:30,289
- They said it was OK to drop by.
- Talia?
34
00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:32,401
Well, hi!
35
00:03:32,569 --> 00:03:33,866
Hi.
36
00:03:34,037 --> 00:03:37,973
- Rimmer's just leaving.
- I can't believe I've run into you again
37
00:03:38,141 --> 00:03:39,438
after all this time.
38
00:03:40,410 --> 00:03:43,470
The nanobots must have resurrected you, too.
39
00:03:43,647 --> 00:03:46,207
You look wonderful.
40
00:03:46,383 --> 00:03:49,875
You made captain. You've done so well.
41
00:03:50,053 --> 00:03:54,456
Your own ship. Wow! I've got goosebumps.
42
00:03:54,624 --> 00:04:00,085
The photograph of your wife, sir, is it OK
where it is or shall I turn it to face the wall?
43
00:04:01,131 --> 00:04:04,931
- Dismissed, Rimmer.
- Thank you. Nothing I can get you, ma'am?
44
00:04:05,102 --> 00:04:07,935
Tea, coffee? Packet of three?
45
00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:16,176
Me not make it? What does he know,
the big stupid yellow idiot?
46
00:04:16,346 --> 00:04:21,841
He didn't see my good side. My guile, my
weasel cunning and, when the going gets tough,
47
00:04:22,018 --> 00:04:24,509
my ability to find good hiding places.
48
00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:29,853
He thinks I'm an imbecile. He really does.
49
00:04:35,132 --> 00:04:37,327
Me, an imbecile (!)
50
00:04:39,002 --> 00:04:41,664
Alertl Alertl A choccie nut bar...
51
00:04:41,838 --> 00:04:44,966
A choccie nut bar has been removedwithout payment.
52
00:04:45,142 --> 00:04:48,270
A choccie nut bar has been removedwithout payment.
53
00:04:48,445 --> 00:04:50,310
- Alertl Alertl
- Shut up!
54
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,505
Shan't. Alertl Alertl
55
00:04:52,682 --> 00:04:56,448
Shut up or I'll pour soup into your speaker
and you'll drown.
56
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:58,451
Take your hand off me speaker.
57
00:04:58,622 --> 00:05:00,487
- Promise to shut up?
- Promise.
58
00:05:00,657 --> 00:05:03,683
Ha, ha, hal
59
00:05:03,860 --> 00:05:08,923
Alertl Alertl Chocolate abductionon floor 341.
60
00:05:09,099 --> 00:05:11,761
Ooh, you will not get away with this.
61
00:05:11,935 --> 00:05:16,065
I may not be able to see youbut I know your taste in confectionery,
62
00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:21,302
and I also know... No, in fact, that isall I know - just your taste in confectionery.
63
00:05:21,478 --> 00:05:26,939
I'll hear your voice again, and I'll expose youfor the chocolate-thieving dog you arel
64
00:05:27,117 --> 00:05:30,848
I'm scared - I'm being threatened
by a dispensing machine (!)
65
00:05:31,021 --> 00:05:35,481
Are you gonna leave a horse's head
made out of marzipan in my bed (?)
66
00:05:35,659 --> 00:05:38,787
Oh, Mummy! Help, help! I'm really scared (!)
67
00:05:38,962 --> 00:05:40,987
Rimmer.
68
00:05:41,665 --> 00:05:43,656
You forgot your tray.
69
00:05:44,701 --> 00:05:45,998
Thank you, sir.
70
00:05:46,169 --> 00:05:48,569
He stole some chocolatel He stole...
71
00:05:53,844 --> 00:05:55,368
You are my nemesis.
72
00:05:55,545 --> 00:06:01,006
One day, our paths will cross againand I will destroy youl
73
00:06:02,486 --> 00:06:06,820
And on that day,
I will be the captain of this ship (!)
74
00:06:09,092 --> 00:06:14,758
It's OK for Mr Cushy, working for the captain
now, but what about me? All that damn rock!
75
00:06:14,931 --> 00:06:16,990
My back's killing me, bud.
76
00:06:17,801 --> 00:06:20,361
Look at my spine. It's so curved,
77
00:06:20,537 --> 00:06:22,835
if you threw it away, it'd come back.
78
00:06:23,006 --> 00:06:25,839
Rock, rock, rock, rock.
79
00:06:26,810 --> 00:06:30,075
I ain't used to work,
but what job do they give me?
80
00:06:30,247 --> 00:06:32,306
Something to do with rock, sir?
81
00:06:32,482 --> 00:06:35,315
Exactly! Do you know what they got me doing?
82
00:06:35,485 --> 00:06:39,251
I gotta put all the rock albums
on the PA system.
83
00:06:40,624 --> 00:06:43,923
I gotta change those suckers
once every 45 minutes.
84
00:06:45,061 --> 00:06:47,029
I'm a physical wreck!
85
00:06:47,197 --> 00:06:49,529
Probation's killing me, boys.
86
00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:54,762
- What's that?
- A present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.
87
00:06:54,938 --> 00:06:59,034
- A calendar?
- The other day, she looked at the old calendar
88
00:06:59,209 --> 00:07:03,236
and said it was the wrong time
of the month, so I got her a new one.
89
00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:07,411
I'll tell her - the calendar people
made a mistake,
90
00:07:07,584 --> 00:07:10,553
but let's leave this wrong month thing
behind us.
91
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:15,521
Being grumpy and tearful about it
is getting it way out of proportion.
92
00:07:15,692 --> 00:07:18,559
A little word in your audio receiver.
93
00:07:20,664 --> 00:07:26,330
This happens to all women? They become cranky
and weird? You never see this in films or on TV.
94
00:07:26,503 --> 00:07:31,566
I thought men controlled the media.
This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!
95
00:07:31,741 --> 00:07:36,269
It's no big deal. I'll tell you what to do
and how to behave - everything.
96
00:07:36,446 --> 00:07:38,437
Just trust me.
97
00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:52,461
(SINGS) Da-dahl
98
00:07:58,335 --> 00:08:02,829
Thank goodness for Mr Lister.
I nearly made such a fool of myself.
99
00:08:04,507 --> 00:08:06,475
A little present, ma'am.
100
00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:12,374
All gift-wrapped.
101
00:08:13,283 --> 00:08:15,615
I hope I chose the right size.
102
00:08:16,853 --> 00:08:20,914
- Dave told you to do this, didn't he?
- Isn't he wonderful!
103
00:08:21,091 --> 00:08:24,652
Oh, yeah. Sometimes, he's so cute,
I could just eat him.
104
00:08:25,395 --> 00:08:30,697
He explained everything to me so I wouldn't
embarrass myself. Come on, then, open it!
105
00:08:32,335 --> 00:08:34,326
I want you to try it on.
106
00:08:34,504 --> 00:08:37,473
Maybe you could do a little twirl in it.
107
00:08:37,641 --> 00:08:41,270
Kryten, how can I put this?
108
00:08:41,444 --> 00:08:44,242
Is there something wrong, ma'am?
109
00:08:45,715 --> 00:08:47,706
He set me up, didn't he?
110
00:08:47,884 --> 00:08:52,719
This is absolutely not what you're supposed
to do when a woman is having a...
111
00:08:54,457 --> 00:08:56,015
Is the banner wrong, too?
112
00:08:58,294 --> 00:09:01,195
(HIGH-PITCHED WAIL) He was lying!
113
00:09:02,565 --> 00:09:05,864
I've been duped by a master craftsman.
114
00:09:06,036 --> 00:09:09,631
- Well, two can play at this game.
- What do you have in mind?
115
00:09:09,806 --> 00:09:15,369
Are you sure you have time for this? I realise
the next few days are very special for you.
116
00:09:15,545 --> 00:09:19,447
Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot
in tight white jeans?
117
00:09:20,984 --> 00:09:23,544
Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that.
118
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:28,054
Not forgetting all that blue stuff
you've got to pour over things.
119
00:09:28,224 --> 00:09:30,954
Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back.
120
00:09:31,127 --> 00:09:34,563
Right. Here's my idea. (WHISPERS)
121
00:09:34,731 --> 00:09:36,426
(IMITATES FAX) Bling!
122
00:09:36,599 --> 00:09:38,829
Hah! Glug, glug...
123
00:09:45,542 --> 00:09:48,739
- (BEEP)
- That's Hol. He must want something.
124
00:09:49,946 --> 00:09:54,280
Here's some hot-off-the-pressconfidential-insider information.
125
00:09:54,451 --> 00:09:59,252
There's gonna be a cell inspectionin about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat.
126
00:10:01,458 --> 00:10:03,517
Cell inspection in ten minutes.
127
00:10:09,199 --> 00:10:10,757
Told you.
128
00:10:12,602 --> 00:10:14,797
Thanks, Hol. It was most helpful.
129
00:10:15,605 --> 00:10:19,871
When it comes to being ahead of the game,I'm the man.
130
00:10:20,243 --> 00:10:25,840
Where did you get that priceless nugget of info
way before it got into the public domain?
131
00:10:26,015 --> 00:10:30,475
I've hacked into the ship 's computer system.Got into the prison log.
132
00:10:30,653 --> 00:10:33,087
I got a goosey at the supplies inventory.
133
00:10:33,256 --> 00:10:36,919
There's stuff in therethat will make your hair stand on end.
134
00:10:37,494 --> 00:10:38,791
What stuff?
135
00:10:38,962 --> 00:10:41,954
Brylcreme it's called.
136
00:10:45,769 --> 00:10:49,205
Put it on your headand it makes your hair stand on end.
137
00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:53,998
We've only two jars left,so if you need some, let me know.
138
00:10:54,177 --> 00:10:57,977
As soon as I've got anything elsethat's useful, I'll be back.
139
00:10:58,148 --> 00:11:01,015
See you in about 25 years, then.
140
00:11:03,887 --> 00:11:08,847
- My scar's itchy. It must be all the dust.
- You've got a scar? When did you get that?
141
00:11:09,025 --> 00:11:12,984
Those complimentary pens
the hospital guys were handing out.
142
00:11:13,163 --> 00:11:16,997
The "Most Accidents Happen in the Home,
So Be Careful" ones.
143
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,601
I stabbed meself in the head with one.
144
00:11:21,037 --> 00:11:25,030
- Where were you?
- I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid.
145
00:11:27,277 --> 00:11:29,507
That's not a scar, that's a nick.
146
00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,910
- That is a scar.
- Where did you get that?
147
00:11:33,082 --> 00:11:35,482
From a fight years ago. Duel.
148
00:11:36,286 --> 00:11:38,481
A duel? You?
149
00:11:38,655 --> 00:11:40,452
(LAUGHS) Get outta town!
150
00:11:41,324 --> 00:11:46,159
Not A duel. "Duel" -
the old Steven Spielberg movie.
151
00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:50,395
A friend of mine attacked me
with the video case.
152
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:56,569
Some stupid argument about who had
the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though.
153
00:11:56,739 --> 00:12:00,971
I peed in his mum's steam iron.
He had yellow T-shirts for a week.
154
00:12:03,479 --> 00:12:05,470
(BEEPING FAX)
155
00:12:06,482 --> 00:12:08,473
Why's that going off?
156
00:12:10,653 --> 00:12:14,316
It's from Kryten.
"Look under the draughts board."
157
00:12:15,892 --> 00:12:21,831
Another note. "Dear Mr Lister, thanks for your
wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski.
158
00:12:21,998 --> 00:12:27,595
"In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash
of illegal hooch and hide it in your shower.
159
00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:32,173
"I am laughing as I write this,
knowing your cell is about to be searched,
160
00:12:32,342 --> 00:12:35,402
"and imagining the panic
now gripping your soul!"
161
00:12:35,578 --> 00:12:39,674
What are we gonna do?
We've got an inspection. We're on probation!
162
00:12:39,849 --> 00:12:43,945
- Down the loo. Down the sink.
- Baxter's gonna kill us for doing this.
163
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,452
The captain's gonna kill us if we don't.
164
00:12:46,623 --> 00:12:51,390
But you've seen what Baxter's like.
Grizzly bears run screaming from him.
165
00:12:51,561 --> 00:12:53,927
He was playing poker, ran out of money.
166
00:12:54,097 --> 00:12:59,034
He bet his right nut on a pair of jacks.
A pair of jacks - that's how hard he is!
167
00:13:00,236 --> 00:13:02,431
Smeg! The tank's full.
168
00:13:02,605 --> 00:13:05,699
What are we gonna do?
We've got two bottles left.
169
00:13:05,875 --> 00:13:07,775
We're gonna have to drink it.
170
00:13:07,944 --> 00:13:12,005
Drink it? This is Baxter's hooch.
It's about 300 per cent proof.
171
00:13:12,181 --> 00:13:17,084
- This would get the entire Greek Navy drunk.
- It'll put hairs on your chest.
172
00:13:17,253 --> 00:13:20,245
It'll put hairs on your lips!
173
00:13:20,423 --> 00:13:23,517
It'll put hairs on your hairs! It's lethal.
174
00:13:23,693 --> 00:13:28,153
Do you wanna get caught in possession
of illegal hooch? Get drinking.
175
00:13:28,331 --> 00:13:30,492
Have we got any mixers?
176
00:13:31,301 --> 00:13:36,364
You are wetter than a driving instructor's
handshake! Get it down yer gob!
177
00:13:45,648 --> 00:13:47,275
(CHOKING GASP)
178
00:13:48,384 --> 00:13:51,114
- (COUGHS)
- What's it like?
179
00:13:51,287 --> 00:13:53,847
(STRANGLED VOICE) It's OK.
180
00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:27,346
(SINGS) Inspectionl
181
00:14:30,259 --> 00:14:32,250
On your feet.
182
00:14:50,646 --> 00:14:53,308
Stand by your bunks.
183
00:15:10,066 --> 00:15:12,000
You're drunk.
184
00:15:12,168 --> 00:15:14,159
Drunk, sir?
185
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,032
No, sir.
186
00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:22,370
(SLURRING) Absolutely not, sir.
187
00:15:22,545 --> 00:15:24,877
No, no... No.
188
00:15:25,715 --> 00:15:27,114
Who fancies a kebab?
189
00:15:27,283 --> 00:15:29,274
(BOTH) Oh, yeah!
190
00:15:32,889 --> 00:15:34,754
Smeg!
191
00:15:34,924 --> 00:15:36,915
He's tricked us.
192
00:15:41,397 --> 00:15:43,388
(LAUGHS)
193
00:15:45,935 --> 00:15:51,567
Must have been the sherry trifle for lunch, sir.
Told him not to go back for seconds, sir.
194
00:15:52,942 --> 00:15:54,933
(SNORES)
195
00:15:55,878 --> 00:15:59,314
Call the medi bay. We need two stomach pumps.
196
00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:02,074
Super suck.
197
00:16:11,994 --> 00:16:14,155
It's Baxter.
198
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:20,399
Your two mates stole my hooch.
199
00:16:21,337 --> 00:16:25,433
When they get out of hospital,
and there's no guards about...
200
00:16:26,409 --> 00:16:29,537
...this is what's gonna happen to them.
201
00:16:30,546 --> 00:16:32,878
(CRAZY LAUGH)
202
00:16:36,119 --> 00:16:39,111
You're gonna squeeze their rolls?
203
00:16:39,889 --> 00:16:41,254
That's irritating,
204
00:16:41,424 --> 00:16:44,018
but in many ways, they'll be relieved.
205
00:16:49,465 --> 00:16:51,057
What have I done?
206
00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:54,233
(RIMMER GROANS)
207
00:17:03,813 --> 00:17:07,840
Baxter's out to mash you.
You've gotta escape. We all have.
208
00:17:08,017 --> 00:17:13,478
Security's lax here. If we can make it to the
landing bay and steal a ship, Bob's your scutter.
209
00:17:13,656 --> 00:17:17,456
- Where's the Cat?
- He'll be getting hospitalised any second.
210
00:17:32,441 --> 00:17:34,432
Pass the salt, would you?
211
00:17:39,081 --> 00:17:41,515
That guy there took some of your fries.
212
00:17:47,423 --> 00:17:49,448
What in the hell are you doing...
213
00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:51,684
...Shirley (?)
214
00:17:52,862 --> 00:17:54,625
I'm stealing your fries...
215
00:17:54,797 --> 00:17:56,788
...fat boy (!)
216
00:18:14,617 --> 00:18:17,211
Mmm... This is good.
217
00:18:18,321 --> 00:18:19,652
Tasty!
218
00:18:19,822 --> 00:18:26,819
There ain't no one more bad-ass evil than me
in the whole of hell.
219
00:18:26,996 --> 00:18:30,159
What makes you think you can dis me and live?
220
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:33,461
'Cause things are changing round here.
221
00:18:33,636 --> 00:18:36,799
From now on, marshmallow ass,
222
00:18:36,973 --> 00:18:38,964
you're my bitch.
223
00:18:41,277 --> 00:18:43,040
Your what?
224
00:18:43,212 --> 00:18:47,876
B-l-H. Bitch! That's what you look like,
that's what you are, understand?
225
00:18:51,654 --> 00:18:53,281
OK.
226
00:18:54,257 --> 00:18:55,747
What?
227
00:18:55,925 --> 00:18:59,088
Anyone who tough-talks me
gotta be a no-loading pug.
228
00:18:59,262 --> 00:19:02,959
You want me to be your bitch,
that's fine by me, sir!
229
00:19:03,132 --> 00:19:06,727
Are you sure you don't wanna
just hit me a couple of times?
230
00:19:06,902 --> 00:19:08,870
No, sir. I'm your bitch.
231
00:19:09,038 --> 00:19:16,035
From now on, I'm your jiggly-wiggly,
rollover, sweet patootie, honey-bun missy.
232
00:19:16,212 --> 00:19:18,146
I just wanna make you happy.
233
00:19:18,314 --> 00:19:20,214
Then hit me!
234
00:19:20,383 --> 00:19:24,843
And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!
235
00:19:27,423 --> 00:19:29,914
Damn!
236
00:19:47,677 --> 00:19:52,876
- We gotta be outta here by five o'clock.
- What's so special about five o'clock?
237
00:19:53,049 --> 00:19:56,314
Five o'clock's bed-bath time,
and I'm doing them!
238
00:20:05,127 --> 00:20:07,595
The microbe which destroyed the Hermes.
239
00:20:07,763 --> 00:20:10,129
- It's on Red Dwarf!
- How?
240
00:20:10,299 --> 00:20:16,465
The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been
the escape pod - the one Talia arrived on.
241
00:20:16,639 --> 00:20:20,700
- We've got to go back and tell them.
- What about our escape?
242
00:20:20,876 --> 00:20:26,906
It could be days before they discover this. If
we go back now, they can work on an antidote.
243
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:31,315
You're just acting all brave and manly
to impress her, aren't you?
244
00:20:31,487 --> 00:20:34,479
Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
245
00:20:34,657 --> 00:20:38,525
Yeah - the big picture involves you,
no clothes and a haystack.
246
00:20:39,161 --> 00:20:43,791
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within
by a corrosive micro-organism.
247
00:20:43,966 --> 00:20:47,424
We don't have enough craft
for everyone to be rescued,
248
00:20:47,603 --> 00:20:51,562
so most of you will be staying behind to die.
249
00:20:51,741 --> 00:20:55,233
There's an apology about that
in the internal mail.
250
00:21:07,623 --> 00:21:11,491
It's been created in a lab
and programmed not to destroy glass.
251
00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:14,754
So all we need
is a plutonium-powered greenhouse.
252
00:21:14,930 --> 00:21:19,867
We need an antidote that will neutralize
the corrosive negativity of the microbe.
253
00:21:20,035 --> 00:21:23,835
- Something with a corrosive positivity?
- Where do we get that?
254
00:21:24,006 --> 00:21:26,531
There's nothing in "Yellow Pages".
255
00:21:27,543 --> 00:21:32,003
A mirror universe where things
are diametrically opposite to this one.
256
00:21:32,181 --> 00:21:36,311
There, negative becomes positive
and a virus becomes an antidote.
257
00:21:43,926 --> 00:21:48,886
If the prism is flawed, the mirror universe
may be an imperfect version of our own.
258
00:21:49,064 --> 00:21:51,191
We won't know until we get there.
259
00:22:08,918 --> 00:22:11,352
It's overloaded. We've lost Mr Rimmer!
260
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,354
- At last! Things are looking up.
- How long will it take to fix it?
261
00:22:15,524 --> 00:22:17,321
Best guess, about 20 minutes.
262
00:22:29,572 --> 00:22:32,336
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
263
00:22:42,685 --> 00:22:46,553
Can I come in, sir? I did knock.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
264
00:22:48,491 --> 00:22:51,119
Here's your hot lemon, sir.
265
00:22:53,095 --> 00:22:55,188
Thank you, um...
266
00:22:55,364 --> 00:22:57,389
...Private Nobody.
267
00:22:57,566 --> 00:23:00,364
A few directives to sign, sir.
268
00:23:00,536 --> 00:23:02,367
Of course, laddie.
269
00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:08,398
A free pardon exonerating you from all crimes?
270
00:23:10,012 --> 00:23:13,607
Ooh! I don't know
how that got in there, sir. I...
271
00:23:13,782 --> 00:23:16,410
Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?
272
00:23:17,052 --> 00:23:21,079
Oh, sir. Could I one day? Could I be?
273
00:23:22,758 --> 00:23:25,249
No, I don't think you could.
274
00:23:29,765 --> 00:23:33,394
Of course - it's a mirror universe.
Everything's opposite.
275
00:23:48,417 --> 00:23:50,544
My God!
276
00:23:50,719 --> 00:23:53,347
This is gonna take some getting used to.
277
00:23:55,424 --> 00:23:59,121
They said it was OK to drop by.
You look wonderful.
278
00:23:59,295 --> 00:24:01,286
So do you.
279
00:24:01,463 --> 00:24:04,432
- That'll be all, Shambles.
- Yes, sir.
280
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:08,559
You made captain. You've done so well.
281
00:24:08,737 --> 00:24:12,605
Your own ship. Wow! I've got goosebumps.
282
00:24:12,775 --> 00:24:14,902
So have I.
283
00:24:15,077 --> 00:24:17,068
Let me kiss you.
284
00:24:18,380 --> 00:24:20,405
(MUFFLED PROTEST)
285
00:24:20,583 --> 00:24:22,016
What are you doing?
286
00:24:22,184 --> 00:24:26,143
I'm giving you a big wet snog
with oodles of Tommy Tongue.
287
00:24:27,523 --> 00:24:30,117
But I'm your sister.
288
00:24:39,034 --> 00:24:43,027
Yes, of course,
but I was really pleased to see you.
289
00:24:43,205 --> 00:24:46,606
- I, um...
- You French kissed me.
290
00:24:46,775 --> 00:24:50,677
No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgian kissed you.
291
00:24:50,846 --> 00:24:52,837
I...
292
00:24:53,015 --> 00:24:55,006
I've been really ill.
293
00:24:55,184 --> 00:24:57,175
You're the captain's sister?
294
00:25:01,657 --> 00:25:04,285
Oh, my God! What a terrible dream!
295
00:25:04,460 --> 00:25:10,524
Hi, sis. It's Arnie, your bro. Get your big old
lumpy bum down here and give us a big hug!
296
00:25:10,699 --> 00:25:12,667
Captain Rimmer,
297
00:25:12,835 --> 00:25:14,996
I am Sister Talia Garrett.
298
00:25:17,940 --> 00:25:21,501
Your personal spiritual adviser.
299
00:25:21,677 --> 00:25:23,167
(SHE SOBS)
300
00:25:23,345 --> 00:25:25,813
Sister whoever you are...
301
00:25:25,981 --> 00:25:28,006
Oh, smeg!
302
00:25:32,921 --> 00:25:34,252
Excuse me.
303
00:25:34,423 --> 00:25:38,484
- Yes?
- Could you tell me what this is?
304
00:25:38,661 --> 00:25:43,257
You'll need to ask the professor.
He does the stupid, brainbox-type stuff.
305
00:25:45,034 --> 00:25:47,025
Somebody call?
306
00:25:48,137 --> 00:25:50,435
- Professor?
- Yes, Captain?
307
00:25:50,606 --> 00:25:53,541
Perhaps you could help me. What's this?
308
00:25:57,379 --> 00:26:00,109
- It's an alkaline.
- What's it called?
309
00:26:00,282 --> 00:26:06,243
Sessyum-frankilithic-mixi-alibilium-rixi-dixi
doxy-dexy-droxide. You look surprised.
310
00:26:06,422 --> 00:26:10,381
I never thought I'd hear you say that.
Can you write it down for me?
311
00:26:10,559 --> 00:26:13,756
Certainly. Can I have
an extremely long piece of paper, dear?
312
00:26:15,197 --> 00:26:18,257
The antidote! I did it!
313
00:26:18,434 --> 00:26:21,767
(ECHOING CLANGING AND BANGING)
314
00:26:24,239 --> 00:26:27,231
(CREAKING, BANGING)
315
00:26:29,011 --> 00:26:31,002
Where is everyone?
316
00:26:31,180 --> 00:26:34,946
(DISPENSING MACHINE)They crossed into the mirror universe.
317
00:26:35,117 --> 00:26:38,848
As the highest-ranked crew member left,you're now captain.
318
00:26:39,021 --> 00:26:41,421
- Congratulations, Cap (l)
- Smeg off!
319
00:26:50,799 --> 00:26:52,926
(HISSING STEAM, EXPLOSION)
320
00:26:55,604 --> 00:26:57,595
Where are you going?
321
00:26:57,773 --> 00:26:59,764
To make up a formula.
322
00:26:59,942 --> 00:27:04,402
The formula on that paperhas now turned into the formula for the virus.
323
00:27:04,580 --> 00:27:09,415
You've left the mirror universe,so it's turned back into its opposite. (LAUGHS)
324
00:27:10,486 --> 00:27:11,885
Smeg! You're right.
325
00:27:12,054 --> 00:27:15,888
- This is a disaster!
- No, there could still be a happy ending.
326
00:27:16,058 --> 00:27:18,424
- How?
- Remember that chocolate bar?
327
00:27:18,594 --> 00:27:21,188
You could pay me back before you snuff it.
328
00:27:21,363 --> 00:27:23,354
How's that a happy ending?
329
00:27:23,532 --> 00:27:27,059
It's a happy ending for me.At least my totals will tally.
330
00:27:27,236 --> 00:27:32,230
Why don't you smeg off, you annoying
little smeggy, smegging smegger?
331
00:27:37,646 --> 00:27:40,308
Every dog has his day.
332
00:27:40,482 --> 00:27:42,211
And today's the day...
333
00:27:47,523 --> 00:27:49,047
... that I'm the dogl
334
00:27:57,299 --> 00:27:59,426
Smeg!
335
00:28:10,946 --> 00:28:13,915
(SOARING VIOLINS)
336
00:28:24,226 --> 00:28:29,289
- (HOWLING WIND)
- Arnold Judas Rimmer.
337
00:28:29,464 --> 00:28:32,058
Your life is over.
338
00:28:32,234 --> 00:28:34,634
Come with me.
339
00:28:35,437 --> 00:28:40,374
You will travel to the River Styx
where you will place a coin...
340
00:28:40,542 --> 00:28:42,533
Not today, matey!
341
00:28:43,879 --> 00:28:46,677
Remember - only the good die young.
342
00:28:47,616 --> 00:28:51,552
- (DEATH) That's never happened before!
- (THUD!)
343
00:29:03,498 --> 00:29:06,934
It's cold outside,there's no kind of atmosphere
344
00:29:07,102 --> 00:29:10,401
I'm all alone, more or less
345
00:29:10,572 --> 00:29:13,632
Let me fly far away from here
346
00:29:13,809 --> 00:29:16,607
Fun, fun, fun
347
00:29:16,778 --> 00:29:20,339
In the sun, sun, sun
348
00:29:20,515 --> 00:29:23,712
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
349
00:29:23,886 --> 00:29:27,151
Drinking fresh mango juice
350
00:29:27,322 --> 00:29:30,587
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
351
00:29:30,759 --> 00:29:33,319
Fun, fun, fun
352
00:29:33,495 --> 00:29:37,022
In the sun, sun, sun
353
00:29:37,199 --> 00:29:40,032
Fun, fun, fun
354
00:29:40,202 --> 00:29:44,571
In the sun, sun, sun
355
00:29:44,621 --> 00:29:49,171
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