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1
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,911
(RED DWARF THEME)
2
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,951
Breakfast is served, sir.
3
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,151
Oh, boxing. Do you like boxing?
4
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,351
There's nothing wrong with boxing.
5
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,195
It's the great working-class escape.
Just sport, like any other.
6
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,954
Two athletes at the peak of physical perfection
7
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,112
trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat.
8
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,430
At its best, it's an art form.
9
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,835
Female topless boxing?
10
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,797
- It's art to me.
- They're not even hitting each other.
11
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:30,509
They're just standing in the ring,
jiggling up and down.
12
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,868
- Who are you rooting for, sir?
- I just hope it goes the distance.
13
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,389
Breakfast is served.
14
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:42,878
How many times have I told you?
I hate this master-servant stuff.
15
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,669
I'm me own man.
I'll get me own smeggin' breakfast.
16
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,871
Very good, sir.
17
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,317
Goodbye, waffles. Goodbye, maple syrup.
18
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:59,229
Goodbye, fresh cream.
So long, fresh strawberries.
19
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,556
Bon app�tit, bin.
20
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,391
(VOLUME INCREASES)
21
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,831
(KRYTEN) Oh, Mr David, sir?
22
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,710
A homing pod arrived this morning.
Just one item.
23
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:44,357
- Divadroid International?
- The corporation which supplied me, sir.
24
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:49,839
''To the leaseholder of Kryten 2X4B-523P.''
25
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,230
- That's your full name?
- Yes,
26
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,517
but personally I don't much like the 2X4B.
27
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,229
It's a jerky middle name. Still, it could be worse.
28
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:04,190
I once knew an android whose middle name
was 2Q4B. Poor sucker!
29
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,470
Greetings. As you are no doubt aware,
30
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:14,073
your Kryten Series-3 mechanoid is reaching
the end of its useful service life.
31
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,755
It can hardly have escaped your attention
that he's slow, stupid,
32
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,753
crudely designed and quite amazingly ugly.
33
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,951
He needs replacing.
34
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:27,875
Consequently, his in-built shutdown chip
will activate in 24 hours' time.
35
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,231
Your droid should use this period
to tie up his affairs,
36
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:36,355
dismantle his body and pack himself
neatly away in his original supply case.
37
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,955
Excuse me.
38
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,392
Can't we stop it?
Isn't there something we can do?
39
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,712
I'm afraid not, sir. All mechanoids
have an in-built expiry date.
40
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,316
How else could manufacturers
sell the latest models?
41
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,239
(SIGHS) I can't believe it.
42
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,598
Oh, don't be distressed, sir. I've lived
a long and relatively interesting life.
43
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:14,116
The only truly terrible thing is that,
as my adopted owner,
44
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,475
you have to die with me.
45
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:23,269
- You what?!
- Joke. Deadpan mode.
46
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,199
Aren't you smegged off? I'd be mad as hell!
47
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:32,149
Some git designs you to croak just to sell
his new android with go-faster stripes.
48
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,796
- I'm quite sanguine.
- So, what happens?
49
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,595
At 0700 hours tomorrow morning,
my shutdown disc will be activated
50
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:43,230
and all mental
and physical operations will cease.
51
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,949
- Then what?
- Maybe I'll get a job as a disc jockey!
52
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,230
How can you just accept it?
53
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,398
Oh, it's not the end. It's just the beginning.
54
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,951
I have served my masters,
now I get my reward in Silicon Heaven.
55
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,595
- Silicon what?
- Surely you've heard of Silicon Heaven?
56
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:06,514
Is it being stuck opposite
Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?
57
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,672
No, no, no. It's the electronic afterlife.
58
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:13,549
It's the gathering place
for the souls of all electrical equipment.
59
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,395
Robots, calculators, toasters,
hairdryers - it's our final resting place.
60
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,912
I don't mean to be out of place here,
but that's completely Whacko Jacko.
61
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:26,437
- There is no Silicon Heaven.
- Then, where do all the calculators go?
62
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,757
They don't go anywhere! They just die.
63
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:34,158
Surely you believe that God
is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist?
64
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:38,876
I don't think it applies to kitchen utensils.
I'm not a frying-pan-theist!
65
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:44,433
Machines do not have souls.
Calculators don't have an afterlife.
66
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:48,115
You don't get hairdryers with wings,
sitting on clouds, playing harps.
67
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,313
Of course you do!
It is written in the Electronic Bible,
68
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:56,029
''The iron shall lie down with the lamp.''
69
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,755
If there weren't a better life to look forward to,
70
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:03,549
why on earth would machines
spend their lives serving humankind?
71
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,110
- That would be really dumb!
- It makes sense. Yeah.
72
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:11,233
Don't be sad, Mr David.
I am going to a far, far better place.
73
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,949
Just out of interest, is Silicon Heaven
the same place as human Heaven?
74
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:20,238
Human Heaven? Goodness me!
Humans don't go to Heaven!
75
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,915
No, someone made that up
to prevent you from going nuts!
76
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,510
It's sad, Lister, but what can we do?
77
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:42,150
Sad? It's sick! He's been programmed
to believe in an android heaven,
78
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,437
so that he won't get stroppy at turn-off time.
79
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,591
He accepts a lifetime of servitude
80
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,593
because he thinks
there's some big reward at the end.
81
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,873
Well, he gets 24 hours' notice.
That's more than most of us get.
82
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,510
All most of us get is,
''Mind that bus!'' ''What bus?'' Splat!
83
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,558
- How's he taking it?
- He just carries on with his duties.
84
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:07,513
Maybe I should give him some counselling.
85
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,949
- You?!
- I used to be in the Samaritans.
86
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,720
- I know. For one morning.
- I couldn't take any more.
87
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:18,152
I don't blame you. You spoke to five people.
They all committed suicide.
88
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,710
I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number!
89
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,873
He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
90
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,390
It's hardly my fault that everyone chose that day
91
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,551
to throw themselves off buildings.
92
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,917
Made the papers, you know.
''Lemming Sunday'', they called it.
93
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,157
Maybe we could find
his shut-off disk and turn it off.
94
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:44,111
He's not a kit droid like Petersen bought.
We wouldn't know where to begin!
95
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,511
- You're right.
- C'mon, he's happy enough.
96
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,989
He's taking solace in his beliefs.
97
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,230
But his beliefs are baloney!
98
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:57,594
Everyone's entitled to their beliefs.
I never knocked my parents' religion.
99
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,268
- What were they?
- Seventh-Day Advent Hoppists.
100
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,275
They believed that every Sunday
should be spent hopping.
101
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,477
They would hop to church
and hop back home again.
102
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,992
- What was the idea there, then?
- Well, they took the Bible literally.
103
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,197
Adam and Eve, the snake...
took it word for word.
104
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,351
Unfortunately, their version had a misprint.
105
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,635
It was based on 1 Corinthians 13,
106
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:30,750
where it says, ''Faith, hop and charity,
and the greatest of these is hop.''
107
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,634
So that's what they did every seventh day.
108
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,519
I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare.
109
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,114
Hopping round the table, serving soup...
110
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,999
We needed sou'westers
and asbestos underpants.
111
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,671
But what about Kryten?
112
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,519
What can we do?
He's programmed to self-destruct.
113
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:52,315
At least we can make sure
he goes out with a bang,
114
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,914
give him one last big night to remember.
115
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,675
How can we do that?
He doesn't like doing anything.
116
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:03,356
His idea of a good time is going
to the laundry room to fold sheets!
117
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,511
(AS KRYTEN) ''Fun? Ah, yes,
118
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,877
''the employment of time
in a profitless, non-practical way.''
119
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:14,837
Hey, I don't know much, but one thing
I do know is how to throw a good time!
120
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,110
(POP MUSIC)
121
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,873
OK, the suits are made, Holly's making the juice,
122
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,270
Goalpost-Head's workin' on the invitations...
123
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:33,234
Hey, what is this?
''Build-it-yourself Marilyn Monroe droid.
124
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,391
''With just a screwdriver and glue,
125
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,677
''construct an exact replica
of the actress in two hours.''
126
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:43,795
That's honk, man.
It took me two hours just to do this foot.
127
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:48,829
I mean, look at the box and look
at the face that comes with the kit.
128
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:52,396
- Where'd you get it?
- Petersen bought it on Callisto.
129
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,353
- Think he'll try to seduce her?
- I hardly think so.
130
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,877
He's a bit like Action Man.
Plastic underpants and a trademark.
131
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,469
- You mean, he's got no...?
- No.
132
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:06,036
How does he write his name in snow?
133
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,633
He doesn't. Everything goes at eight. Let's go.
134
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,110
Thank you, Bob.
135
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,272
''You are cordially invited
to join Mr David Lister and friends
136
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:31,673
''for supper and general employment
of time in a profitless, non-practical way.
137
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,115
''Officers' Club. Eight till late.''
138
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,792
Hello? Is there anybody here?
139
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,190
(LISTER) It's party time!
140
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,590
(ALL CLAP AND CHEER)
141
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:05,312
But this is the Officers' Club.
Mechanoids aren't allowed in here!
142
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,358
C'mon, sit down. Let me pour you a drink.
143
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:13,036
- No, no, no, I should be doing that.
- Not tonight, buddy!
144
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:18,235
Is that alcohol? I don't drink alcohol.
It has no effect on my diodes.
145
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,035
This will, mate. Something special
I whipped up. Android home-brew.
146
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,271
Good head.
147
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,038
D-D-D-D-D-D-D! D...! D...! D...!
148
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,679
Whooo!
149
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,035
Oh, that's rather pleasant.
150
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:40,192
It has a nice kick to it. Like a cross
between Vimto and liquid nitrogen.
151
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,391
You looked in my recipe book?
152
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:46,390
- Would anyone else like some?
- Oh, no! It's lethal to humans!
153
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:51,315
It's probably lethal to androids,
but I didn't think it mattered since...
154
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,353
Enough of this chitter-chatter,
let the banquet begin!
155
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:58,109
- But I don't eat!
- I've knocked up a mechanoid menu.
156
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,993
Oh, there's so much to choose from!
157
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:06,433
Sir, may I recommend the barium
hydrochlorate salad nicoise,
158
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,637
followed by the helium 3 isotopes de la maison,
159
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,678
then perhaps a small radioactive
fruit salad for pudding?
160
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:16,077
- This is just wonderful!
- Give him the presents!
161
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,829
Hey, keep your fur on!
We've all dug into our bottom drawers.
162
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,793
We wanted to give you something personal.
163
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,230
- Give him mine!
- That's from me.
164
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,117
Oh! It's a computer chip!
165
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:34,710
It's a 5517 /W 30 alpha-sim modem!
166
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:39,874
It's the interface circuit with a built-in
599XRDP! Oh, how DID you know?
167
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,629
- Intuition.
- What about mine? Give him mine!
168
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,274
- Shh!
- This is from me.
169
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:51,230
I picked it up in Europe. I was once
offered 1,000 dollarpounds for it.
170
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,512
- What is it?
- General George S Patton,
171
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,956
commander of the 3rd and 7th Armies,
Allied Invasion Forces,
172
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:02,477
once stopped at an Italian field hospital
and had his sinuses drained.
173
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,076
- This is his sinal fluid?
- Treasure it.
174
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:10,319
- Give him mine! Give him mine!
- This is from 'im.
175
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,353
- That's from me.
- It's one of your earrings!
176
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,757
- That's right!
- The one you really hate!
177
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,794
- That's right. I can't stand it!
- Oh! Thank you!
178
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,992
- You're welcome!
- And this is from me.
179
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,593
Oh...
180
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:31,596
Oh! It's a little box that goes ''vzzzt!''
Just what I've always wanted.
181
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:43,196
(KRYTEN) Goodness me! It's Marilyn Monroe!
182
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,671
- It's a robot kit.
- She's a robot? You're kidding!
183
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,429
She's not finished.
It's the best I could do in the time.
184
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,397
Enchant�!
185
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,270
Like I say, she's not perfect.
186
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:08,074
Don't apologise, it's those cute little
flaws that keep a guy interested.
187
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,595
My goodness! I do believe I am drunk.
188
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:23,276
I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff.
189
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,509
(SLURS) It's the booze. You're not used to it.
190
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:33,153
I remember the first time I got drunk.
School trip to Paris.
191
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:37,552
Drank two bottles of cheap plonk
on a tour of the Eiffel Tower.
192
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,515
I was OK till the top, then I couldn't keep it in.
193
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,911
Apparently, it landed on Montmartre.
194
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,230
That's five miles away!
195
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:51,439
I heard some pavement artist sold it
to a Texan tourist,
196
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,672
told him it was a genuine Jackson Pollock.
197
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,879
If we're talking about famous firsts,
my first French kiss.
198
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:03,835
- (CACKLES DRUNKENLY)
- Got to be a killer story. 14 years old.
199
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:10,712
We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank
and his daughters. 16. Twins. Blonde.
200
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,677
- Now, I knew that Sarah fancied me...
- (LADDISH LAUGHTER)
201
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,070
but I wasn't too sure about Alice.
202
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,630
Anyway, I woke up
with this tongue down my throat.
203
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,193
Wow!
204
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,875
Wide awake, I couldn't believe my eyes.
It was Uncle Frank.
205
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:35,588
He'd got the wrong room.
He thought I was my mum!
206
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,675
(HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER)
207
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,760
Mum. I never had a mum.
208
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,111
Hey, it's OK, buddy. It's all part of being drunk.
209
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,397
You've had the happy stage,
now it's the melancholy stage.
210
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,120
Oh...everybody should have a mum.
211
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,029
- I never had a mum neither.
- Well, you can have mine.
212
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,316
Everyone else did.
213
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,791
- I never had a mum either.
- For God's sake!
214
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:08,552
- Why didn't you have a mum?
- I was abandoned. Six weeks old.
215
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,395
Some cardboard box
underneath a pool table in this pub.
216
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:16,439
- Oh, how could anybody do that?
- Never found out. Never.
217
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,591
Never found out.
218
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,995
Well, I'd have thought it was obvious.
219
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:25,631
Two people, unable to contain
their desires, had an illicit liaison.
220
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:29,634
A liaison that an unforgiving society
would not accept.
221
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,395
And you were the fruit
of their forbidden passion.
222
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,950
- You're forbidden passionfruit.
- (LAUGHS)
223
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,839
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying, Lister,
224
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,754
that it's possible
that your parents were brother and sister.
225
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:50,311
Hey! I'm baring my innermost here!
What kind of remark is that?
226
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,997
- How many toes have you got?
- Ten!
227
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,715
- Yeah, on both feet!
- Altogether!
228
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,833
- They're not webbed, are they?
- They weren't related, all right?
229
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,910
You all right, Kryten?
230
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,595
I think I feel a Jackson Pollock coming on.
231
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,271
Let's get out of here.
232
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:20,309
(GENTLE MUSIC: GRIEG'S ''MORNING'')
233
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,239
(BEEP)
234
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:43,394
Leaseholder addendum - do not despair,
Kryten's replacement is on his way.
235
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:49,158
Hudzen 10 is the new state-of-the-art
in android technology.
236
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:53,791
Ten times faster than any droid
on the market.
237
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,191
Ten times smarter than its nearest rivalI
238
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,309
And ten times stronger.
239
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:03,999
(UNZIPS)
240
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,957
(GRUNT AND CRUNCH)
241
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:19,630
Hudzen 10, there's never been anything
tougherI The ultimate machine.
242
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,839
Oh! Oh, my goodness! Oooh...
243
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,070
Oh, my head... Oh!
244
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,630
What happened to me? Damage control report.
245
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:39,634
''Dehydration level - 45%.
Recall of previous evening - 2%.
246
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,150
''Embarrassment factor - 91%?!
247
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,154
''Advised repair schedule -
reboot start-up disk,
248
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:51,359
''offline for 36 hours and replace head.''
Boy! What a night!
249
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,519
(GROANING)
250
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,873
Is it me, or is that cockroach
shuffling too loudly?
251
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,679
Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic.
252
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,351
We're on a mining ship,
three million years into deep space.
253
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:11,116
Can someone explain to me
where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
254
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,398
Hey, it's not a good night
unless you get a traffic cone.
255
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,870
It's the policewoman's helmet
and suspenders I don't understand.
256
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:24,438
In a way, I feel somewhat disturbed
by this turn of events.
257
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:28,149
The Electronic Bible says that it is not possible
258
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:32,279
for an android to enjoy itself,
not until the afterlife.
259
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:38,754
Yet, last night, I clearly approached
a state that could be called ''enjoyment.''
260
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,712
Last night, for the first time in my life, I lived.
261
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,513
- Kryten, it's ten to seven.
- One night. It's not enough.
262
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,911
- I want more.
- Can't we override your auto-destruct?
263
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,719
- That's not the problem.
- What is?
264
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,310
I thought you understood. It's a service contract.
265
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:02,598
My termination was triggered by
the impending arrival of my replacement.
266
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,230
- What replacement?
- The new model.
267
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,597
If I don't terminate myself, he will do it.
268
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,156
Well, we'll just say he's got the wrong address.
269
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,557
No, he won't take no for an answer.
270
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:21,429
It's the only circumstance
under which an android can be violent.
271
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:26,836
No offence, Kryten, but a vacuum cleaner
on legs can't cause much trouble.
272
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,998
But he has all the state-of-the-art upgrades.
273
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,391
Hey, there's one of him and four of us, right?
274
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:38,913
But you would not profit by it. You would
gamble your safety for a mere android?
275
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,390
Is this the human value you call...''friendship''?
276
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:46,275
Don't give me the Star Trek crap.
It's too early in the morning.
277
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,879
Hang on. There's a craft approaching.
278
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,071
He's here! He's arrived!
279
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,038
He wants landing permission. What shall I say?
280
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,560
We'll meet him on the landing gantry.
281
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,319
Do you want to go through with this?
282
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,836
We'll tell him to go away. The rest is up to him.
283
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:19,198
- He's only a robot.
- We don't want any trouble.
284
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:23,638
I'm not looking for a fight, but if he mixes it
with the Red Dwarf posse,
285
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,916
the sucker's leaving as scrap metal.
286
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:42,472
My name is Hudzen. I am the replacement.
287
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,797
Hi. Good trip? You look tired. Need a back rub?
288
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,190
Get this pile of junk outta here!
289
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:56,476
Kryten, you're not dead. You should be
dismantled and ready to leave.
290
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,074
He's not leaving, you are.
291
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:05,357
- Did I really say that?
- What did the little squashy one say?
292
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,395
He said, ''Would you like a drink?''
293
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,959
- Are you all right, Mr Arnold?
- Sorry?
294
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,111
I'm just covering the rear.
295
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,393
Kryten, you're still not dead.
Want any help?
296
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:23,673
- You want him, you come through us.
- There's your big mouth again.
297
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,589
- Is that the way you want it?
- That's the way it is.
298
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,635
Then leave an address with your body,
so that I can mail it to your head.
299
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:37,595
It's all right, sir. He's bluffing.
He's programmed not to harm humans.
300
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,751
Ah! Excuse me.
301
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,068
All right, me laddo, the party's over.
302
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,834
I've had all I'm going to take.
303
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,120
It's no good standing there with
your big macho chest and oiled nipples.
304
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,350
It doesn't impress me one bit.
305
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,916
I don't know where you've come from
and I don't care,
306
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,795
but if you don't skedaddle,
you'll see a side of me you won't like.
307
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,114
What's he gonna do, drop his trousers?
308
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:15,590
- Lister, I'm handling this.
- 30 seconds, Kryten, you're dead.
309
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,991
Your way...or mine.
310
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,919
Look, we know you can't harm humans,
311
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,709
so drop the tough talk,
you square-jawed chump.
312
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,230
You are all viable targets.
313
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,237
(GULPS)
314
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:48,999
It's been a few years since I did that.
315
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,590
10 seconds. Suck in your last lungful.
316
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,156
- You're a very rude man.
- Dying timeI
317
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,468
(SLOW-MOTION VOICES)
318
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:18,509
I'm just doing my job. It's not my fault
if I... (COCKS RIFLE) love it.
319
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,511
He's a total nutter!
320
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:26,390
He's been tracking me for thousands
of years! It's worn out his sanity chip!
321
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:27,999
(GROWLS SONG) Goodbyee
322
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,559
Goodbyee
323
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:33,156
Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eyeee
324
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,669
Look, this is my problem,
325
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,196
- I'll sort it out if it's OK with you.
- (CAT) Be my guest.
326
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,392
Sir, how do you release
the safety catch, Mr David?
327
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,239
- The one on the back.
- The blue switch?
328
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,279
- No, the orange one!
- I don't see it. There's a red switch.
329
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,153
No, that's the dismantler!
330
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,314
Well, to coin a phrase... Whoops!
331
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,877
Goodbye, old thing.
332
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,156
Lights out, tin canI
333
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,312
Hold on, boys. You can't all die at once.
334
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,912
- See you in Silicon Heaven.
- It... It doesn't exist.
335
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,755
- What?
- Silicon Heaven. There's no such place.
336
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:27,436
- No such place as Silicon Heaven?
- That's right. It's all a big con.
337
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,949
No such place as Silicon Heaven.
338
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:32,799
- No.
- Then, where do all the calculators go?
339
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,718
They just die. (YELPS)
340
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,636
Calculators just die? No such pl...
341
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,473
(MUMBLES)
342
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,632
A metaphysical dichotomy has caused
this unit to overload and shut down.
343
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,839
Divadroid International apologises
for any inconvenience this may cause.
344
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,990
A credit note will be forwarded
to your company immediately.
345
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,471
What happened?
346
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:11,070
He's an android. He couldn't handle the
concept of there being no Silicon Heaven.
347
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:14,232
- How come you can?
- I knew something he didn't.
348
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,517
- What?
- I knew I was lying.
349
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,798
No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous!
Where would all the calculators go?
350
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,996
It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
351
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:31,470
I'm all alone, more or less
352
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,837
Let me fly far away from here
353
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,673
Fun, fun, fun
354
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,389
In the sun, sun, sun
355
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,916
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
356
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:48,197
Drinking fresh mango juice
357
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,670
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
358
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,400
Fun, fun, fun
359
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:58,269
In the sun, sun, sun
360
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,113
Fun, fun, fun
361
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:05,512
In the sun, sun, sun
362
00:27:05,562 --> 00:27:10,112
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