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1
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,391
(RED DWARF THEME)
2
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,712
OK, OK...
3
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,276
Uphill, slight burrow to the left.
4
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,549
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Ow!
5
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:07,110
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
6
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:10,799
(STOPS)
7
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:17,559
Hey! Four up with six to play!
This guy is hot, hot, hot, hot!
8
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,075
OK, hole 13.
9
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,549
What am I doing? What am I doing?!
10
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:27,231
You're not following through.
Keep your head down and follow through!
11
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,238
- Why am I playing this?
- Because it's Sunday.
12
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,398
Time to relax. Time to chill. Lighten up!
13
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,909
I can't lighten up. I hate my life!
14
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:40,232
We spend every day devising
more ingenious ways of wasting time.
15
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:45,235
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of table golf.
I'm sick of tiddlywinks show jumping.
16
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:51,033
I'm sick of stretching a pair of tights
across the room to play Durex volleyball.
17
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:55,074
If you like,
we'll kick the golf in the head, OK?
18
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,835
How about a game of Junior Angler?
19
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:02,232
All the thrills of freshwater fly-fishing
from the comfort of your living room.
20
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:03,799
No.
21
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:08,511
Got it. Unicycle Polo.
We could have a quick chukka on floor 14.
22
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,156
It's smeggin' stupid.
Two grown men on unicycles,
23
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:16,154
belting a beach ball up and down
a corridor with French loaves?!
24
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,437
It's pathetic. It's idiotic. It's... It's... It's puerile.
25
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,598
- Well, you invented it.
- I want a life.
26
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:27,390
This is worse than prison. In prison,
you can look forward to getting out.
27
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:32,680
I want to live. I want to meet people.
I want to meet girls. I want to make love.
28
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:37,431
Well, Junior Angler is the best
you're gonna get out of me, buddy!
29
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,592
Just get out of my face.
30
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,358
OK. OK.
31
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:50,833
But don't ask me when you want someone to
play soapsud slalom down the cargo ramp.
32
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,639
You can carry your own damn flags.
33
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,954
(ROCK MUSIC)
34
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,954
(RUMBLING)
35
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,151
(MUSIC STOPS, RUMBLING CONTINUES)
36
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:36,073
(LAUGHTER)
37
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,918
(SQUEAKS)
38
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,310
(VOICES SING) Happy birthday to you
39
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,829
Happy birthday, dear Kryten
40
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,713
Happy birthday to you
41
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,519
OhI What a lovely surprise.
42
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,796
(RIMMER HUMS)
43
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,077
Lovely service, Lister.
You should have come. Most uplifting.
44
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:06,033
What's wrong with you? Ah! It's November.
45
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,668
Nearly time for your bath.
46
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,997
Please, just spare me the good mood, OK?
47
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,192
- What happened?
- I'm sick of it, that's what.
48
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,430
I'm just totally, totally sick of it.
49
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,871
- Sick of what?
- Sick of you and your green suits.
50
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,474
Sick of your stupid flared nostrils.
51
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,632
Sick of how you smile when you're being insulted.
52
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,075
I'm sick of the Cat, sick of Holly,
53
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,198
sick of you, sick of me, and as for Kryten...
54
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:39,037
I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this ship,
sick of this life. I'm just sick of it.
55
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,989
You're unhappy, aren't you?
56
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,596
Joining the Space Corps,
that's when it all went wrong.
57
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,389
If I hadn't,
things could have worked out for me.
58
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,551
That's a tension sheet, isn't it?
59
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,479
I went to school with the guy who invented those.
60
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:03,872
Things certainly worked out
for him, all right. A millionaire at 26.
61
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,508
Fred Holden. He was in our dorm.
62
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,752
God, he was thick.
''Thickie'' Holden, we called him.
63
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,959
''Hello, Thickie. How's your acne?''
He always came bottom in geography.
64
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,192
He thought a glacier
was a bloke who fixed windows.
65
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,233
He did invent the tension sheet.
66
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:25,309
It's just the stuff they used for packing.
All he did was paint it red.
67
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,592
And you know who he married?
Sabrina Mulholland-JJones.
68
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,155
- The model?
- How can that be?
69
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,710
The most desirable woman in the world
and Thickie Holden,
70
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:39,670
a spotty gimp who'd blow off the bedcovers
whenever we had cauliflower cheese.
71
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,156
- He had a break. He got lucky.
- I suppose so.
72
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:47,029
- Did you know anyone famous?
- Charles Keenan. He was famous.
73
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,277
- What did he do?
- Ate his wife.
74
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,439
Sorry to interrupt, but I think
you should come to the photo lab.
75
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,160
Something quite strange is happening.
76
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:05,233
- (RIMMER) These are ordinary photographs?
- What did you do?
77
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,352
I just developed the film, and they came to life.
78
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,233
It's the developing fluid. It must have mutated.
79
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:15,831
At first, I thought it was just my film,
but it works on any negative.
80
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,036
There's others I've developed as slides.
81
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,834
- Go for it.
- Lights!
82
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,428
That's Frank! It's my brother's wedding!
83
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:37,235
- Yo! I'm in the photograph!
- (FRANK) Excuse me. Stand aside, please.
84
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,870
- I'm actually IN the photograph!
- You're blocking the shot.
85
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,395
I'm actually at a smeggin' wedding!
86
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,155
- Are you trying to make trouble?
- Wow! I'm back on Earth!
87
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:50,591
- I'm in a photograph!
- Look, will you clear off?
88
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,718
- Look! He can touch me!
- Hop it.
89
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,314
(GROANS) He can punch me! This is brilliant!
90
00:06:56,480 --> 00:07:01,713
He's punching me again. Fantastic.
All right! All right! OK. I'm going.
91
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,271
I can't walk out of the edge.
92
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,871
In-smeggin'...
93
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,554
- ..credible.
- Try another one.
94
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,348
(CAT) What's this?
(KRYTEN) It's one of Lister's.
95
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,435
I don't recognise this.
96
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,155
- Who are they?
- I don't know.
97
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,518
Oh, I remember.
I sent away some snaps of me 18th birthday
98
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,955
and got someone's skiing holiday back.
99
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,994
- It's amazing. We're really here.
- I know. Check this.
100
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:48,198
It even works in black and white.
I tried a really old one, too.
101
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:55,193
That's Adolf Hitler,
leader of the runners-up in World War II.
102
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,838
I copied it from one of your magazines -
''Fascist Dictator Monthly''.
103
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,639
He was Mr October.
104
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,115
(HITLER SPEAKS GERMAN)
105
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:10,798
Ignore him. He's a complete and total
nutter. And he's only got one testicle.
106
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,674
What's he doing?! He's scuffling with Adolf Hitler!
107
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:22,271
You can't just stick one
on the leader of the Third Reich.
108
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,829
I nicked his briefcase!
109
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,956
Banana and crisps?
110
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,351
- His diary!
- Allow me.
111
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,398
I'll switch to translation mode. (BLEEPS)
112
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:45,509
''Things to remember - stop milk,
pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia.''
113
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:50,157
A present here. ''To Adolf. Love,
Staff Colonel Count von Stauffenberg.''
114
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:55,388
That rings a bell. Von Stauffenberg...
He's famous for something.
115
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,791
Wait a minute, he tried to assassinate Hitler
116
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,394
by putting a bomb in his briefcase.
117
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,596
How could I forget that?
118
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,152
Yes! We've got ourselves
a smeggin' time machine.
119
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,558
- So we can go absolutely anywhere?
- Providing we have a photograph.
120
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:29,032
So if I had a photograph of a female-only
naturist beach in Acapulco,
121
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:33,830
full of bronzed, naked teenage
temptresses, we could go for a holiday?
122
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,468
- I suppose.
- Kryten, get my photo album.
123
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:41,511
Hang on. We can't move
outside the confines of the photograph.
124
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,875
- What we see is all we get.
- Meaning?
125
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:48,551
We can't just get a picture of Earth.
We'd stay inside the photograph.
126
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:53,072
This beach shot in Acapulco,
you wouldn't want to leave the photograph.
127
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,272
- So it's useless, then?
- No, not entirely.
128
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,318
Think of the famous places we could go.
129
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,671
We could go to Dallas in November 1963,
130
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,229
stand on the grassy knoll and shout, ''Duck!''
131
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:13,472
I'm sorry,
I must have bypassed my good-taste chip.
132
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,719
The possibilities are enormous, mind-numbing.
133
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,599
We could go back and avert major disasters.
134
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:23,395
Like persuade Dustin Hoffman
not to make ''Ishtar''?
135
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:28,549
What about determinism? Causality?
You can't just mess about with history.
136
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:33,276
- We'll just do something small.
- No such thing when you change time.
137
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:38,190
- Only so we don't get marooned in space.
- Such as?
138
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:43,152
If I fix it so I don't sign up with Red Dwarf,
139
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:46,392
I can create an alternate existence on Earth.
140
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,836
I won't be stuck here for three million years.
141
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,554
- How can you do that?
- With this...
142
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,637
and this.
143
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,473
It's ready.
144
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,158
(TUNELESS RACKET)
145
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,117
Om
146
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,794
Om
147
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,439
Om...
148
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,591
(CRASH OF DRUMS)
149
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,236
Om...
150
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,795
What is this? Who is that jerk?
151
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,951
- It's me.
- You?!
152
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,396
Aged 17. That's me first band,
Smeg and the Heads.
153
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:31,473
- What are you wearing?
- It was all the rage. ''Sham glam''.
154
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,518
Look at that collar!
You could go hang-gliding.
155
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:38,514
I used to think it was so cool. Come on.
156
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,276
Om
157
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,270
Om...
158
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,916
This is one of the first songs I ever wrote.
159
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,030
It was called ''Om''.
160
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,790
Nothing like a good old-fashioned love song, eh?
161
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:03,790
I genuinely thought we were
gonna be massive. God, I was stupid.
162
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:08,278
- Who are the other two?
- The hippy drummer's called Dobbin.
163
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:13,271
He joined the police.
Became a grand wizard in the Freemasons.
164
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:17,678
The bassist's called Gazza.
He was a neo-Marxist nihilistic anarchist.
165
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,759
He joined a large insurance company
and got a parking space.
166
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,077
Om
167
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,032
Wooh! Yeah!
168
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,839
Rock and roll! Thank you very much.
169
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,470
For those who are interested,
there are official T-shirts
170
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,155
and signed Polaroids on sale
in the back of Dobbin's car.
171
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,313
It's the orange Ford
with the bald tyres and no windscreen.
172
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,358
We'll be back in 20 minutes, so from me, Smeg,
173
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:48,308
and from Dobbin and Gazza, the Heads,
I'll see you later.
174
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,080
I'll catch you guys later.
175
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,913
(KRYTEN) What is this place?
(RIMMER) It's a pub.
176
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,190
''Pub''. Ah, yes. A meeting place
177
00:12:56,360 --> 00:13:00,353
where people attempt to achieve
advanced states of mental incompetence
178
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,751
by the repeated consumption
of fermented vegetable drinks.
179
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,431
Guys, guys. I'd like you to meet me, aged 17.
180
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:13,628
Sha-dy! This is totally shady.
It's beyond shady, it's surreal.
181
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:18,237
- These your mates, then?
- Yeah. That's Cat, Kryten, and...Rimmer.
182
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,039
Brilliant tattoo!
What's it stand for? Heavy metal?
183
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,272
- Yes, indeed.
- And what's happened to his face?!
184
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,671
It's grotesque, isn't it?
Has he had an accident?
185
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:32,311
He looks like he had his head
jammed in a lift. It's totally shady!
186
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,636
Just sit down and shut up.
187
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:38,190
- So, what do you want?
- I've come to change our future.
188
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,558
Aren't you happy being a rock star?
Those groupies getting you down?
189
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:46,799
- We don't make it as a rock star.
- That's impossible. It cannot be.
190
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,790
How can I put this?
You don't make it 'cause...you're crap.
191
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:56,795
How would you know, grandad?
You're too old for what we transmit.
192
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,396
- I'm you, you dork!
- Too old and too crypto-fascist.
193
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,472
Will you shut up? I'm trying to make you rich.
194
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,918
Just go down to the patent office
and register this as your invention.
195
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:11,152
- It's called a tension sheet.
- Uh-uh. That's immoral.
196
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,039
- That's Thickie Holden's invention.
- Uh-uh. Was.
197
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,789
This is just packing stuff,
painted red with writing on it.
198
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,952
- I know.
- It's crypto-fascist bourgeois crap.
199
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,038
It'll make you a multi-multi-multi-millionaire.
200
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,839
But I'm not into dosh. I loathe possessions.
201
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,873
It's just so...so crypto-fascist.
202
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:34,636
Stop saying everything's crypto-fascist!
You make me sound like a complete git!
203
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,038
I'm not breaking up the band. Music is me life.
204
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:44,075
He's right. He can't give up his music.
You heard ''Om''. It's a masterpiece!
205
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:49,035
- See?
- Back off. I'm giving you a break.
206
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,708
Oh, give up. The guy's an idiot.
207
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,639
- He's me!
- Exactly.
208
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,836
I don't want a break. I'll take me own chances.
209
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:05,034
If you do, you'll be stuck on a spaceship
with them for the rest of eternity.
210
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:09,796
You won't have a future.
You think about it. C'mon.
211
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,551
You haven't got a copy of ''Om'', have you?
212
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,836
- They're in the car.
- What a pity.
213
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,430
I just can't get it out of my head. Om...
214
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,591
Keep writing those hits, kid.
215
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,752
Om... Om...
216
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,795
What a nice guy!
217
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,070
Om... Om...
218
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,916
- Om...
- What now?
219
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:39,796
Once the timelines sort themselves out,
we'll see if it's worked.
220
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,195
It's happening! I'm disappearing!
221
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,473
- What happened?
- Lister altered the timelines
222
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,995
and lived an entirely different life.
223
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,675
He didn't join Red Dwarf,
so the Cat race never existed
224
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:01,628
and we never rescued Kryten,
so they've disappeared, too.
225
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,473
- So it's just you and me?
- For eternity.
226
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,070
No, thanks! Find him and bring him back.
227
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,351
- Anything?
- Got him.
228
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,911
- And?
- Tension sheet. Inventor, D Lister, 17.
229
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,636
- Damn!
- He died in a plane crash, aged 98.
230
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,876
- 98?!
- His own fault, apparently.
231
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:35,033
He was making love to his 14th wife
and lost control of the plane.
232
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,949
- Have you got any photographs?
- Not of that, no.
233
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,754
No, so I can bring him back.
234
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,793
There's one picture reference,
but you won't like it.
235
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,912
- Put it on.
- Now it's the stairway to the stars.
236
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,355
- Heeeeeere's BlaizeI
- Hello.
237
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,395
Welcome to ''Lifestyles
of the Disgustingly Rich and Famous.''
238
00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:02,076
Tonight, we look at the world's youngest
billionaire, Dave ''Tension Sheet'' Lister.
239
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,913
Behind me, Mr Lister's English mansion.
240
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,719
He had the whole building
transported brick by brick
241
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:11,589
from down the road,
just to get away from the neighbours.
242
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,469
Now that's the kind of cash
that opens anybody's legs.
243
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,473
The gravel in his drive
came from Buckingham Palace.
244
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,553
Dave bought Buck Palace and had it
ground down just to line his drive.
245
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:28,431
This man has a wad so thick,
you could use it to beat whales to death.
246
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,388
He calls his home ''Xanadu'',
not in reference to ''Citizen Kane'',
247
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:37,680
but as tribute to the hit single
by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich.
248
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,400
But Dave has musical aspirations of his own.
249
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,870
Only last year, his first single, ''Om'',
shot to Number One
250
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,191
when he personally purchased
three million copies.
251
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,511
You'll never be short of an ashtray
in his house.
252
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:55,754
Like many people who have everything,
Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy.
253
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:59,435
Well, actually, it hasn't, but we can only hope.
254
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,434
Now Dr Bob Porkman, father of the condom
that calls you back...
255
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,671
Freeze. I've seen enough.
256
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,792
- What do you want to do?
- I'm going in.
257
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,679
- I'm going in to rescue him.
- Rescue him (?)
258
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,994
It's my duty.
My duty as a complete and utter bastard.
259
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,309
He's got a Swatch watch and a Filofax
260
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,040
So that he can correlate his facts,he's got cash
261
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,431
He's got money
262
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,670
He's got cash
263
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,036
He's got money
264
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,632
Yow!
265
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,390
Mr Lister, sir. What a delight
it is to welcome you home.
266
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,353
Gilbert, my man! You're looking bad, baby!
267
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:58,157
- Indeed, sir.
- You're my main, main, main, main man!
268
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,113
I am awfully sorry about the statue, sir.
269
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,794
The contractors
still haven't devised a way
270
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,793
of making it urinate champagne
into the courtyard,
271
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:21,078
although I am assured that
it will be functional for the royal visit.
272
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,276
Oh, get outta town! This is gonna slay 'em.
273
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:29,632
Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering
from the hilarity of the gag myself.
274
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,150
Almost Swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety.
275
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,835
(CLASSICAL MUSIC: VIVALDI)
276
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,068
I told Daddy today. About us, I mean.
277
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,353
- How did the old codger take it?
- Not terribly well, actually.
278
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:56,275
He perched on top of his clay pigeon
launcher and shouted, ''Pull!''
279
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,036
For madam, Lobster a la Grecque.
280
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,671
For sir, a sausage and onion gravy
sandwich on white bread
281
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,718
with a glass of sterilised milk.
282
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,190
Brilliant. We lived on these
when I was in the band.
283
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:17,480
As requested, sir, it was helicoptered in
from Luigi's Fish 'n' Chip Emporium.
284
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,399
An artist beyond comparison, sir.
285
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:27,388
Excuse me, sir, but a gentleman appears
to have appeared in the room.
286
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,597
Listy, it's me. It's me, Rimmer.
287
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:38,037
Rimmsy. Arnie Rimmer. Arnie.
Old Iron Balls. Rimmer. Rimmer!
288
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,959
Apparently,
the gentleman's name is Rimmer, sir.
289
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:45,278
- Have we met?
- Have we met? We're like brothers.
290
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,829
We were shipmates. Red Dwarf.
291
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,788
- You don't remember, do you?
- Remember what?
292
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,713
Of course. It hasn't happened, has it?
293
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,509
- What hasn't happened?
- Sabrina Mulholland-JJones!
294
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,875
- Yes?
- THE Sabrina Mulholland-JJones?
295
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,277
Model, best-selling novelist
and international jet-setter?
296
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,431
Yeah. She's me bird.
297
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,591
''She's me bird.''
298
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,309
You call the Duke of Lincoln's
eldest daughter ''me bird''?
299
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,273
Gilbert, escort Mr Rumour to the door?
300
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:19,035
- But I came here to save you.
- Throw him out, Gilbert. He's a nutter.
301
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,636
- Step this way, sir.
- But we were friends, buddies!
302
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,189
Let's not have a scene, sir.
303
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:30,275
You call this happiness? Surrounded
by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants?
304
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:34,274
Living with a love goddess sex-bomb?
You call this contentment?
305
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:39,679
You know, I look at the two of us
and I ask one simple question...
306
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,469
Who is the rich man? You, with your 58 houses,
307
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,835
your private island in the Bahamas,
308
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,275
your multi-billion-pound business empire,
309
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:53,753
or me with... with...with what I've got.
310
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,515
It's you, isn't it?
311
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:03,150
Yes, it's all clear to me now.
You...richer and happier.
312
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,751
This way, sir.
313
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:12,354
I should have thought a bit harder
about that speech. I cocked it up a bit.
314
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,637
- (HOLLY) Any luck?
- Useless.
315
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,916
Didn't listen. Didn't even recognise me.
316
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,958
He just thought
I was some deranged madman.
317
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,196
You sure he didn't recognise you?
318
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:31,349
Wait a tension-popping minute.
If Lister can do it, why can't I?
319
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:36,395
These photographs, there's one here of me
at boarding school, aged eight.
320
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,757
I can invent the tension sheet first.
321
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,599
But you'll disappear
and become incredibly wealthy,
322
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,955
and Lister will be sent hurtling back.
323
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,671
Yes, and Cat and Kryten
will be brought back into existence.
324
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,155
True, as a by-product, I'll become mega-rich
325
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:55,108
and be forced to have constant sex
with that JJones woman,
326
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,794
but that's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make.
327
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,311
Holly, torch.
328
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:24,152
- Pssst! Wake up.
- What is it?
329
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,552
- Who are you?
- Look, don't be afraid.
330
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,950
I'm going to make you rich.
331
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,715
All you've got to do
is listen very, very carefully.
332
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,636
Right, this is the plan. You will invent
a thing called the tension sheet.
333
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,075
- Pension sheet?
- T. T. Tension.
334
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,310
Tension sheet. Shut up. I'm talking.
335
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,514
Are you listening? They're sheets
of paper with air bubbles in them.
336
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:54,390
- Like you get in packing paper?
- Look, Holden, go back to sleep.
337
00:23:55,280 --> 00:24:01,196
They're exactly the same as the ones
in packing paper, but you paint them red.
338
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,749
- Why red?
- Because it helps people relax.
339
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,395
Shut up. I'm trying to make him rich.
340
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,396
You'd write better
if you took off your boxing gloves.
341
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,428
- Now, have you got all that?
- I think so.
342
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,512
First thing tomorrow,
take the idea to the patent office.
343
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:23,913
I can't. Not first thing. I've got extra
rugby practice because I'm so wet.
344
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,238
All right, lunchtime.
Take it at lunchtime, OK?
345
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,190
I've got to go now.
346
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:37,318
Oi. Don't mess this up.
347
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,511
No, sir.
348
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,955
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
If I were a rich man
349
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:51,112
Dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dum...
350
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:54,511
- Worked, did it?
- Though it pains me dearly,
351
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:58,229
I'll be having to say ta-ta to your gormless face.
352
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,000
Ta-ta, poverty. Ta-ta, failure.
353
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,709
Hello, Sabrina. Hello, sexual ecstasy.
354
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,709
A-ha. Here they come, bang on time.
355
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:13,271
Well, gentlemen, just enough time
for me to say toodly-pipski.
356
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,671
- I'll disappear any moment now.
- What happened?
357
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,637
Here it comes... Any moment.
358
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,435
What's he talking about?
359
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:28,638
Any moment... Any moment now.
360
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,392
It hasn't worked. According to our data,
you didn't invent the tension sheet.
361
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,552
It was invented by a gentleman
named ''Thickie'' Holden.
362
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,750
- What?
- You've put things back as they were.
363
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,994
Why does nothing ever go right for me?
364
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,630
Every time I get so much
as a snifter of a break,
365
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:54,351
a glimpse of happiness, something
inexplicably cruel and horrible happens,
366
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:57,557
- and it blows up in my face.
- Hang on.
367
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,918
Something is different.
Somehow, you're no longer a hologram.
368
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,674
- You're alive.
- What?
369
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,351
I'm alive!
370
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,352
I'm alive!
371
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,397
Mmmm!
372
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,551
I'm alive!
373
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:25,030
Kryten, unpack Rachel
and get out the puncture repair kit.
374
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,589
I'm alive!
375
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:35,394
I'm alive. I can touch, I can feel, I can fondle.
376
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,711
I'm alive! Don't you think
it's incredible? I am ali...
377
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,071
What was he saying?
378
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:52,272
It's cold outsideThere's no kind of atmosphere
379
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,750
I'm all alone, more or less
380
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:59,117
Let me fly far away from here
381
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,953
Fun, fun, fun
382
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,669
In the sun, sun, sun
383
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:09,196
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
384
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,477
Drinking fresh mango juice
385
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,950
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
386
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,680
Fun, fun, fun
387
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:22,549
In the sun, sun, sun
388
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,393
Fun, fun, fun
389
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,792
In the sun, sun, sun
390
00:27:29,842 --> 00:27:34,392
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