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1
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(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
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00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,679
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf,
3
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,116
Its crew; Dave Lister,
the last human being alive;
4
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,192
Arnold Rimmer,
a hologram of his dead bunkmate;
5
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,511
and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat, Message ends,
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Additional; supplies are plentiful, We have
enough food and drink to last 30,000 years,
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although we have run out of Shake 'n ' Vac,
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Additional additional,
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Last week, we found a planet
with a breathable atmosphere,
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(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
11
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We're grooving tonight,
Ahead, groove factor five, Yeah!
12
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Hang on, everybody. Hang on!
13
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,833
(MUSIC STOPS)
14
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The sausages are done.
15
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It's the business,
It's nice to get out, stretch your cables,
16
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(SLURRING) I don't understand.
I've had so much to drink
17
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,550
and it hasn't even afflicted me.
18
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:36,030
- Why are you dancing, then?
- You call that dancing?
19
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,998
I've seen people on fire move better!
20
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- We'd better go, The moons are setting,
- OK, then, a toast.
21
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,594
Gentlemen, and skutters,
we are gathered here today
22
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,831
to celebrate the anniversary
of Arnold Rimmer's death.
23
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(BURPS) Right on, baby!
24
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:58,593
And for this very special occasion,
I have baked a cake.
25
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,433
- What's that?
- It's shaped like a spanner.
26
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,159
- He was a technician.
- That's very apt,
27
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,233
If he'd been a postman,
it'd be an envelope, I suppose?
28
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,198
Gordon Bennet!
It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist,
29
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To me!
30
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(ALL) Happy deathday to you
31
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Happy deathday to you
32
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Happy deathday, dear Rimmer
33
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Happy deathday to you
34
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(BANGING AND SCRAPING)
35
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Show me the way to go home
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I'm tired and I want to go to bed...
37
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,949
(RIMMER) Are you all right to drive?
(LISTER) Yeah.
38
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:16,516
I had a little drink about an hour ago
39
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:22,470
To celebrate Rimmer's death
40
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,231
What time is it?
41
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,752
- Saturday.
- Is that the best you can do?
42
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,992
There are some numbers,
but they could be anything.
43
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,514
Do you know what I fancy?
44
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,912
A big fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's.
45
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:59,314
No, I want a triple fried egg butty
with chilli sauce and chutney.
46
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Me, too.
47
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,591
No problem. Nothing's too good
for the deathday boy.
48
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,911
- Correct.
- Hol? Hol?
49
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,913
- Hol, give us something to eat.
- You what? I'm jiggered, man,
50
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,037
- Come on. You don't sleep.
- 'Course I do,
51
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:27,478
I've got to offline, I can't keep up
my red-hot pace all the time,
52
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,710
I've got to take a breather,
53
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:35,034
- I want a triple fried egg sandwich...
- With chilli sauce and chutney.
54
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,237
- You what?
- It's state of the art.
55
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,993
It's the state of the floor I'm worried about,
56
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,311
All right, OK,
57
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Trust me.
58
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,158
I feel like I'm having a baby!
59
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,959
- It's good, innit?
- It's incredible.
60
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,476
- Where did you find the recipe?
- I can't remember.
61
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,791
I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
62
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,475
It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
63
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:22,235
It's well naughty.
Eat it before the bread dissolves.
64
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,756
I could never invent a sandwich
like this, Lister.
65
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,832
You see, all the ingredients are wrong.
66
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,912
The fried eggs, wrong. The chutney, wrong.
67
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,514
The chilli sauce, all wrong.
68
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:40,755
But put them together
and somehow it works. It becomes right.
69
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,077
It's you. This sandwich, Lister, is you.
70
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,957
- What are you saying, Rimmer?
- You're wrong, right?
71
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,031
All your ingredients are wrong.
72
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,998
You're slobby. You've got no sense of discipline.
73
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:59,154
You're the only man to get his money
back from the Odour Eater people.
74
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,800
But people like you. Don't you see?
75
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,316
That's why you're a fried egg,
chilli, chutney sandwich.
76
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,949
Now me, all the ingredients are right.
77
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:13,511
I'm disciplined. I'm organised.
I'm dedicated to my career.
78
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,591
I've always got a pen.
79
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,399
Result? Total smeghead despised
by everyone except the ship's parrot...
80
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,597
and that's only because we haven't got one.
81
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,231
- Why? Why is that?
- It's because you are a total smeghead.
82
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,754
But I'm not. I'm a goodie.
83
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:35,789
You've never got time for people.
You're too busy trying to be successful.
84
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:39,919
It's all midnight revision
and "Up, up, up, lickety-split".
85
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:45,393
All the time I spent licking up to Todhunter,
86
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,675
even though he's a total gimp?
87
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:54,677
Captain Hollister? Mr Fat Bastard 2044.
I went out of my way to simp around him.
88
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,035
That's not having time for people.
89
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,476
Do you know how many times I made love?
90
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,712
- No. I don't want to know.
- I want to tell you.
91
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,713
- I don't want to know!
- I'm going to tell you!
92
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:13,191
You'll wake up in the morning
with your hangover, feeling like death,
93
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:17,717
you'll walk up to the mirror
and remember and go..."Arghh!"
94
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:22,078
It's not worth it.
Believe me, you don't want to tell me.
95
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,549
- Once.
- Smeg!
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00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,631
One time only.
97
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,553
You'll want to kill yourself in the morning.
98
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,631
Yvonne McGruder.
99
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:37,077
A single brief liaison with the ship's
female boxing champion.
100
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:43,275
March 16th. 7.31 pm to 7.43 pm.
101
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,636
- Please...
- Twelve minutes...
102
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:50,156
including the time it took to eat the pizza.
103
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,037
Please, Rimmer!
104
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:56,033
In my entire life, I've spent more time being sick.
105
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,430
So? You haven't met the right girl yet.
106
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,991
No, I haven't, Lister, and some just might say -
107
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:08,278
given the fact that the human race
no longer exists,
108
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:12,148
coupled with the fact that I have passed on -
109
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:16,597
that I'm leaving it a bit on the late side.
110
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:20,878
Well, you made a decision.
You chose career over personal life.
111
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,350
Yes, I did. Pearls of wisdom there
112
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,479
from Mr Fried Egg Chilli Chutney Sandwich Face.
113
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:32,439
Well, I'll tell you something, Lister.
I'll tell you something.
114
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:37,036
I'd trade it all in -
my pips, my long service medals,
115
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:41,113
my swimming certificates,
my telescope, my shoe-trees.
116
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:47,036
I'd trade everything in to be loved
and to have been loved.
117
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,153
I'm a little lamb
118
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Lost in the wood
119
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Maybe I could
120
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,756
Really be good
121
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:03,072
With someone to watch over me
122
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,512
That was going to be our song,
123
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:12,479
but I never found anyone to share it with,
124
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,358
so now it's just my song.
125
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,717
Another bit of sky. That's a star.
126
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(RIMMER WHINES)
127
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(HUMS REVEILLE)
128
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,716
Ah, my foot! I must have slept on it.
129
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:25,590
You were putting it away last night.
You really fell for my joke.
130
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,319
(GROANS) God, it's agony!
131
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,392
That McGruder gag. Fancy falling for that!
132
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:36,758
I'll give you my telescope, anything.
Please don't tell anyone.
133
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,231
Have you done that?
134
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,311
When did you do that?
135
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,073
I didn't! I've just woken up with this!
136
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,510
- When did you finish the jigsaw?
- I didn't.
137
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,831
Oi! Who's been messing with my star charts?!
138
00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:01,675
I'm trying to do the comprehensive -
nay, definitive - A-Z of the Universe,
139
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,228
with street names, post offices and everything,
140
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,039
and some git's been fiddling with it,
141
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,792
It's not us.
142
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,997
OK, which one of you chi mpanzees did this?!
143
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,394
Look, there's a logical explanation for everything,
144
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,119
with the possible exception of Jimmy Osmond,
145
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,279
- Who?
- Hang on. Today's Sunday, right?
146
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:26,353
- So?
- Well, the clocks say Thursday.
147
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,637
My foot says get the person who did this.
148
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,192
Four pages are torn out of me diary.
149
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:42,115
- We've lost the last four days.
- Did you look behind the fridge?
150
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,033
If you lose something, it's always there.
151
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,791
- Aliens!
- What?
152
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,950
What are you talking about?
153
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,349
It's a well-documented phenomenon.
154
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:57,434
They give you a mind probe,
erase your memory and put you back.
155
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,080
- OK, aliens came aboard.
- Without question.
156
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,470
- They broke my leg.
- They broke MY leg.
157
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,757
- And then they did a jigsaw,
- Right.
158
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,120
Well, that's cleared that up, then,
159
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,875
Look, you're not thinking alien.
That's what aliens are - alien.
160
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:19,159
They do things that are...alien.
Maybe this is how they communicate.
161
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,231
By breaking legs?!
162
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:25,598
- And doing jigsaws?
- Why should they speak the way we do?
163
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:29,036
- They're aliens.
- OK, Professor, what does it mean?
164
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,237
Maybe... Maybe... OK.
165
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:38,156
Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hell."
166
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,357
They do it below the knee. "Low."
167
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,874
"Hell-low." Get it?
168
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,556
They do it twice. Twice. Two.
169
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:53,156
"Hell-Low-Two."
And jigsaw must mean you. "Hello to you. "
170
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:59,159
I wouldn't like to be around
when one of these suckers is making a speech.
171
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:06,880
Hang on. Holly, the black box
will have recorded everything, won't it?
172
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,077
Yeah, Hang on, I'll fish it out,
173
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:16,439
It's gone! It's been half-inched,
Wait a minute, Let me think about this,
174
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,035
It gives off a signal, We can trace it,
175
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,832
(CRUNCH)
176
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,798
(LISTER) It's the gearbox, I 'm telling you.
177
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:34,269
- Nothing yet.
- It's impossible. It could be anywhere.
178
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,352
It's like finding a fart in a jacuzzi.
179
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,279
Look! Down there on that moon.
180
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,474
(LISTER) Are you getting a picture?
181
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:57,236
Yeah, but the quality's terrible.
It's like watching Spanish television.
182
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,199
(LISTER) Oh, my God!
(CAT) What the hell is that?
183
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,271
(LISTER) Smegorama!
184
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:08,070
Er, Holly, start the engines.
Keep her ticking over, yeah? What is it?
185
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,072
(LISTER) A footprint the size of a surfboard.
186
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,151
(CAT) I don't believe it!
187
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:17,279
Can you imagine the problems
this guy has getting fashionable shoes?
188
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,273
(LISTER) If it's true what they say about feet,
189
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,353
this guy could go to fancy dress parties
as a petrol pump.
190
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,431
I think you should come back.
191
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,512
(LISTER) They lead round this corner.
192
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:35,720
So, a huge monster drained our memories
and broke a couple of legs.
193
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,268
Forgive and forget, I say.
194
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,954
(LISTER) This I don't believe!
195
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,190
It's a gravestone.
196
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:47,319
"To the memory of the memory of Lise Yates."
197
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,597
- Who's Lise Yates?
- You're not going to believe this,
198
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,194
but I went out with Lise Yates.
199
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:57,876
It's only shallow.
The black box is buried in the grave.
200
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,512
(BLEEPS)
201
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,914
- Right, it's loaded,
- (AS BOGART) Well, play it, Sam.
202
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,990
Nice-looking bloke,
203
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,110
I don't know if anyone will ever find this,
204
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:28,274
but if they do and it's you, Dave,
or you, Arnold, don 't ever play it,
205
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,794
Some things are best left buried,
206
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,031
- Why have you frozen hi m?
- You heard him,
207
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:39,989
- Knows his stuff, that dude,
- Come on, Holly. From Saturday night.
208
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,868
(RIMMER) Do you know how many times
I've made love?
209
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,032
Yes, we remember this bit. Spin on!
210
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,471
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
211
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,671
That many?!
212
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,678
(LISTER) Another bit of sky. A star...
213
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,557
(RIMMER WHINING)
214
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:20,068
This better be good. I was sleeping,
and sleeping's my third favourite thing.
215
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,276
Waking me at this time...!
216
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,232
- What is this place?
- It's the hologram simulation suite.
217
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:35,393
- This room creates Rimmer.
- Are we gonna blow it up?
218
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:40,317
Look, those are his dreams.
That's what he's dreaming right now.
219
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,516
Maybe I could
220
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,272
Really be good
221
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:48,558
With someone to watch over me
222
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,315
I'm giving Rimmer the best present
he'll ever get.
223
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,877
- (CAT) What are you doing?
- Recording me memory.
224
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,190
- Your entire memory?
- Yeah.
225
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,714
Everywhere I've been, everything I've learned.
226
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,351
Right, that's it.
227
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,715
I'm giving Rimmer a love affair.
228
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,315
I'll paste eight months of my memory into his.
229
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,597
Whatever happened to me,
he'll think happened to him.
230
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:20,231
- You're giving him an old girlfriend?
- I'm going to give him Lise Yates.
231
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,717
(CAT PURRS)
232
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,833
(LAUGHS)
233
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,273
God, Dave. I love you so much.
234
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,476
(LISTER) And I love you, Lise.
235
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,551
A few minor adjustments.
236
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:43,275
- God, Rimmer, I love you so much.
- (LISTER) And I love you, Lise.
237
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,351
Change the voice.
238
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,709
God, Rimmer, I love you so much.
239
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,189
(RIMMER) And I love you, Lise.
240
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,989
- That's it.
- He'll think all this happened to him?
241
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,196
Yeah, the whole eight months.
242
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,669
Man, that's a fine present.
243
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,471
He was probably only expecting a tie.
244
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,671
(ROCK AND ROLL)
245
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,351
You're in a good mood.
246
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,838
Why not, Listie, when life's so good?
247
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,956
Why is life so good?
248
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,998
You wouldn't understand.
You've never been in love.
249
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:51,517
- I have!
- Oh, not real love. Not like I have.
250
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:57,470
Not fireworks in the sky,
rolling naked on the beach kind of love.
251
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,711
- Not like me and Lise.
- So, who's Lise?
252
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:06,238
Someone who was absolutely nuts about me,
that's all you need to know.
253
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,312
Fine. You keep it to yourself.
254
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:14,520
All I'm saying is, from now on call me Tiger. Grrr!
255
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,317
An old girlfriend, was she...Tiger?
256
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,949
Ah! What a crazy, crazy, year that was.
257
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:27,273
The first three months, I was at Saturn Tech
doing a maintenance course.
258
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:31,273
Then, for absolutely no reason,
I suddenly moved to Liverpool.
259
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:36,198
I drank too much. I smoked too much.
I became a total slob.
260
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:40,273
I met Lise. I even started
eating my own toenail clippings.
261
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,868
My tastes in music radically changed.
262
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,589
I stopped adoring Mantovani
and got into Rastabilly Skank.
263
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,559
- Crazy.
- You were in love. You go a bit crazy.
264
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,791
It was weird. I was nuts about her,
265
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,589
- but started treating her really badly.
- No, you didn't!
266
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:04,196
I did! I gave her some twaddle
about not getting tied down.
267
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:08,319
But you were young. You wanted to bum around.
268
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,632
- I hate bumming around!
- You're like that when you're young.
269
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,076
I wasn't, so why did I say those things?
270
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,596
She wanted you to have a career.
271
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,719
That's what I wanted,
so why did I finish with her?
272
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,360
Because...you wanted to play the field.
273
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,750
Right. I said I wanted to play the field.
274
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:34,755
I must have been mad. She was great,
and thought I was great.
275
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,549
Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad.
276
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,269
- She was a lover and a friend.
- And beautiful.
277
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,351
- Gorgeous.
- Great sense of humour.
278
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,716
- Terrific.
- The sex was fantastic.
279
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,394
- Amazing sex.
- Brilliant sex.
280
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,951
- Oh, primo, dynamite sex!
- Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex!
281
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,350
- Lister...
- Brilliant sex!
282
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:02,194
- Lister, how do you know?
- I'm just having a guess.
283
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,030
No one will ever know
284
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:11,033
how beautiful the relationship
between me and Lise Yates was.
285
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:17,639
How could you do this?
It's the most tragic thing I've ever witnessed.
286
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,237
Popcorn?
287
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,719
I'm sorry, man.
I thought I was doing you a favour.
288
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:32,079
What's this got to do with jigsaws, broken legs
and Godzilla-size footprints, eh?
289
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:42,239
Right, smegbrain, prepare to die!
I found the letters.
290
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,073
- What letters?
- THE letters.
291
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,869
- What letters?
- The letters Lise Yates sent you.
292
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,837
Oh, smeg!
293
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:55,835
While she was seeing me,
she was seeing you behind my back.
294
00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:02,234
And to pour salt into the wound,
you took her to the exact same places.
295
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,791
- Rimmer, it's not what it looks like.
- That woman is unbelievable.
296
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:10,429
We stayed in a hotel and made love six times.
297
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:15,071
You were in the same hotel
and made love six times, too!
298
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:19,551
- Listen...
- Twelve times a night? She's sex mad!
299
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:23,189
- Listen!
- It's a good job you were there.
300
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,158
I'd have been dead within a week.
301
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,437
But it doesn't make sense. She loved me.
302
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:33,752
- She wasn't seeing us at the same time.
- I've checked the dates.
303
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,389
- She wasn't going out with you at all.
- She...
304
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,040
- What?
- You've never even met her.
305
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,475
That's below feeble!
306
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:46,872
I gave you eight months of my memory.
307
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,236
- What?
- It was a present.
308
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:57,432
You gave me eight months
of your memory as a present?
309
00:23:58,520 --> 00:23:59,919
Yeah.
310
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:06,313
That's why I was an orphan,
even though my parents were alive.
311
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,876
That's why I had my appendix out twice.
312
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,076
I thought you needed it.
313
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,870
You've destroyed me, Lister.
314
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:24,911
The woman I loved most in the whole
world didn't love me, she loved you.
315
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,831
Rimmer, listen...
316
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,036
Rimmer, listen... Rimmer!
317
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,917
Oh, smeg!
318
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,152
You should have bought him a tie.
319
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,909
Come on, Rimmer. You've experienced love.
320
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,639
It made you more confident, more secure.
321
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,280
- It didn't happen.
- It did happen.
322
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:13,276
You fell in love in a way I never did.
Nothing can take that away.
323
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:18,912
That time she stuck her tongue
down my ear. It was your ear.
324
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:24,472
The woman I loved most in the whole world
had her tongue down your ear.
325
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:29,793
The most romantic thing I've ever had
down my ear is a baby bud.
326
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,791
Come on, as far as you're concerned
you had a wonderful love affair, yeah?
327
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,555
And for some reason, it all went hideously wrong.
328
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:44,839
Well, join the club. It's you, me
and everyone else in the world.
329
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:48,959
- I don't want to feel like this.
- So, you're in pain.
330
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,555
But, Rimmer, if you go
through life without feeling,
331
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,473
never experiencing,
you're no better than a jellyfish,
332
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,869
no better than a bank manager.
333
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,033
I don't want this feeling.
I want my own memory back.
334
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:08,355
OK. OK. I'll erase the last four days.
Lise Yates will never have happened.
335
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:12,513
- But you'll know about it.
- Well, I'll erase my memory, too.
336
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,910
- And the Cat's and Holly's.
- Fine, if they agree.
337
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,753
- And the black box?
- I'll destroy it.
338
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,434
- It's indestructible.
- I'll shoot it into space.
339
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:26,355
- Someone might find it.
- OK. We'll bury it on some planet.
340
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,910
(LISTER) I'm going to drop it! Put it down!
341
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,797
(THUD)
342
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,598
(CAT) Why does he want a gravestone?
(LISTER) He said he wanted something,
343
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,671
so it didn't, like, disappear.
344
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,192
(GRUNTING)
345
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,198
(LISTER AND CAT SCREAM)
346
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,592
(LISTER) My foot! It's broken!
(CAT) Help me find my toes!
347
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,393
OK, that's it.
348
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,631
Let's go and erase our memories.
349
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,317
It's cold outside
350
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,197
There's no kind of atmosphere
351
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:41,636
I'm all alone, more or less
352
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,837
Let me fly far away from here
353
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,673
Fun, fun, fun
354
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,275
In the sun, sun, sun
355
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,716
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
356
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,076
Drinking fresh mango juice
357
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,436
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
358
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,193
Fun, fun, fun
359
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,955
In the sun, sun, sun
360
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,713
Fun, fun, fun
361
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,873
In the sun, sun, sun
362
00:28:14,923 --> 00:28:19,473
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