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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,152 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,839 Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf, 3 00:01:10,839 --> 00:01:14,276 Its crew; Dave Lister, the last human being alive; 4 00:01:14,276 --> 00:01:17,352 Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; 5 00:01:17,352 --> 00:01:20,671 and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat, Message ends, 6 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:27,512 Additional, As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability 7 00:01:27,512 --> 00:01:30,717 that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, 8 00:01:30,717 --> 00:01:32,950 hostile and meaningless universe, 9 00:01:32,950 --> 00:01:35,793 Still, you've got to laugh, haven 't you? 10 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,872 (AUSTRALIAN WOMAN) Sit down, Brook, There's something I must tell you, 11 00:01:56,872 --> 00:01:59,235 (AUSTRALIAN MAN) What is it, Kelly? 12 00:01:59,235 --> 00:02:04,110 I wasn 't with Simone, Brook, I spent the night with Gary, 13 00:02:04,110 --> 00:02:07,954 You're ex-husband? My business rival? What are you saying?! 14 00:02:07,954 --> 00:02:10,713 I'm saying, Brook Junior,,, 15 00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:13,109 What about Brook Junior? 16 00:02:13,109 --> 00:02:15,589 He isn 't your android, 17 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,074 Androids 18 00:02:20,074 --> 00:02:23,869 Everybody needs good androids 19 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:32,193 Androids have feelings, too 20 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,557 (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) 21 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:53,474 Wait a mi nute! I know this one. Don't tell me! 22 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:56,791 "I hope the weather will be clement. " 23 00:02:56,791 --> 00:02:59,838 I hope the weather will be clement, 24 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,195 Lister, don't tell me! I could have got that! 25 00:03:04,195 --> 00:03:06,077 (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) 26 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,991 Ah! I remember this one. 27 00:03:09,991 --> 00:03:13,038 "Please direct me to a five-star hotel." 28 00:03:13,038 --> 00:03:17,352 Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly and completely wrong. 29 00:03:17,352 --> 00:03:21,115 Please direct me to a five-star hotel, 30 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,676 Lister, will you shut up? 31 00:03:23,676 --> 00:03:26,228 - I'm only helping. - I don't need help. 32 00:03:26,228 --> 00:03:28,117 (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) 33 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,392 "I would like to purchase that orange beach ball 34 00:03:35,392 --> 00:03:37,550 "and that bucket and spade." 35 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,835 The meal was splendid, 36 00:03:39,835 --> 00:03:42,639 Congratulations to the chef, 37 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,472 What? Pause. 38 00:03:44,472 --> 00:03:46,869 You've done Esperanto for eight years. 39 00:03:46,869 --> 00:03:49,315 How come you're so utterly useless? 40 00:03:49,315 --> 00:03:53,393 And how many books have you read in your life? 41 00:03:53,393 --> 00:03:56,517 The same as Champion the Wonder Horse - zero! 42 00:03:56,517 --> 00:03:59,672 - I've read books. - I don't mean books 43 00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:02,320 about a dog called Ben. 44 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:07,713 - I went to art college! - How did YOU get into art college? 45 00:04:07,713 --> 00:04:13,830 The usual, boring way you get in. I failed me exams and applied. 46 00:04:13,830 --> 00:04:17,959 - They snapped me up. - You didn't get a degree...did you? 47 00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:20,713 - No. I wasn't there long. - How long? 48 00:04:20,713 --> 00:04:24,634 Ninety-seven minutes. I thought it'd be a good skive. 49 00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:28,429 I took one look at the timetable and checked out. 50 00:04:28,429 --> 00:04:32,911 It was ridiculous. They had lectures, like, first thing in the afternoon! 51 00:04:32,911 --> 00:04:35,355 We're talking 12.30 every day! 52 00:04:35,355 --> 00:04:38,830 Who's together then? You can still taste the toothpaste. 53 00:04:38,830 --> 00:04:41,639 Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions! 54 00:04:41,639 --> 00:04:45,030 I'm not prepared to sit around polishing my spacebike, 55 00:04:45,030 --> 00:04:49,238 so I can go joy-riding, because I'm not a gimp! 56 00:04:49,238 --> 00:04:53,711 One of my ambitions is to learn another language. Play. 57 00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:55,597 (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) 58 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,831 Ah, this I do know... 59 00:04:59,831 --> 00:05:03,356 "The menu looks interesting, I'll try the chicken, " 60 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,951 Holly, as the Esperantinos would say... 61 00:05:07,951 --> 00:05:09,837 (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) 62 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,953 And I think we know what that means. 63 00:05:16,953 --> 00:05:21,591 Yeah, it means, "Get the hall porter, There's a frog in my bidet, " 64 00:05:21,591 --> 00:05:24,956 Well, what's "Your father was a baboon's rump, 65 00:05:24,956 --> 00:05:28,828 "and your mother was always at it with sailors"? 66 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:32,515 - I'm not telling you, - It's because you're bored, isn't it? 67 00:05:32,515 --> 00:05:36,513 - That's why you're both annoying me. - I'm not bored, 68 00:05:36,513 --> 00:05:39,353 I've devised a system to revolutionise music, 69 00:05:39,353 --> 00:05:42,318 - Get outta town! - Yeah, I've decimalised it, 70 00:05:42,318 --> 00:05:45,278 Instead of the octave, it's the decadive, 71 00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:48,272 I've invented two new notes, H and J, 72 00:05:48,272 --> 00:05:50,954 You can't just i nvent new notes. 73 00:05:50,954 --> 00:05:52,837 Well, I have, 74 00:05:52,837 --> 00:05:58,040 Now it goes,,, Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, lah, woh, boh, tee, doh 75 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:03,399 Doh, tee, boh, woh, lah, soh, fah, me, ray, doh 76 00:06:03,399 --> 00:06:08,429 - What are you drivelli ng about? - "Hol Rock, " It'll be whole new sound, 77 00:06:08,429 --> 00:06:13,833 All the instruments will be bigger, Triangles will have four sides, 78 00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:17,913 Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings, 79 00:06:17,913 --> 00:06:21,515 Women will have to be banned from playing the cello, 80 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:26,628 - Holly...shut up! - Oh, I haven 't told you the news, 81 00:06:26,628 --> 00:06:29,757 - What news? - A signal, We're getting a signal, 82 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,831 I just thought I'd mention it, 83 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,678 - Aliens. - Oh, God. "Aliens"! 84 00:06:35,678 --> 00:06:38,752 Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens. 85 00:06:38,752 --> 00:06:41,070 You lose your keys - it's aliens. 86 00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:43,549 A picture falls down - it's aliens. 87 00:06:43,549 --> 00:06:47,872 That day we used up a whole bog roll - aliens. 88 00:06:47,872 --> 00:06:51,316 We didn't use it all, Lister. Who did? 89 00:06:51,316 --> 00:06:54,631 Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?! 90 00:06:56,160 --> 00:07:01,234 Being aliens doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. 91 00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:03,754 Although they probably do something weird, 92 00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:06,912 Iike it comes out of their heads. 93 00:07:06,912 --> 00:07:11,676 Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema! 94 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,150 Here, mousey, mousey! 95 00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:16,231 I got some cheese! 96 00:07:16,231 --> 00:07:18,595 I only wanna be your friend! 97 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,511 - Yo, Cat! - Huh? 98 00:07:22,511 --> 00:07:25,239 We're getting a signal. Come on. 99 00:07:25,239 --> 00:07:27,117 Aliens! 100 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:35,275 It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova 5, They've crash landed, 101 00:07:35,275 --> 00:07:38,318 - I'm trying to establish contact, - Another ship? Brilliant! 102 00:07:38,318 --> 00:07:40,994 - It's not aliens? - No, they're from Earth, 103 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:45,153 I hope they've got some spare stuff, We're short on a few supplies, 104 00:07:45,153 --> 00:07:47,515 - Like what? - Cow's milk, 105 00:07:47,515 --> 00:07:51,354 Ran out of that yonks ago, Fresh and dehydrated, 106 00:07:51,354 --> 00:07:56,116 - What ki nd are we usi ng now? - Emergency supply, Dog's milk, 107 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,274 - Dog's milk?! - Nothing wrong with dog's milk, 108 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:07,194 Full of goodness, full of vitamins,,, full of marrowbone jelly, 109 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,148 Lasts longer than any other type of milk, 110 00:08:11,148 --> 00:08:14,038 - Why? - No bugger'll drink it, 111 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:23,078 Plus, when it goes off, it tastes the same as when it's fresh, 112 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,960 Why didn't you tell me, Holly? 113 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,190 What? And spoil your tea? 114 00:08:30,190 --> 00:08:33,909 - Hang about, We've got contact, - Punch it up. 115 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,796 Thank goodness! My name's Kryten, 116 00:08:36,796 --> 00:08:40,555 I'm the Nova 5 service mechanoid, We've had a accident, 117 00:08:40,555 --> 00:08:42,835 The male officers died on impact, 118 00:08:42,835 --> 00:08:46,196 The female officers are injured, but stable, Please help, 119 00:08:46,196 --> 00:08:48,999 Is that female as i n soft and squidgy? 120 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,951 - How many? - Three, 121 00:08:51,951 --> 00:08:56,716 Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Anne, I'm transmitting medical details, 122 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,752 Tell them we're coming aboard! We'll rescue these fair blooms, 123 00:09:05,752 --> 00:09:09,674 or my name's not Captain A J Rimmer, Space Adventurer! 124 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:12,797 - Thank you, Captain, - "Space Adventurer"?! 125 00:09:12,797 --> 00:09:18,079 What do I say? "Fear not, I'm the guy who cleans the chicken soup machine! 126 00:09:18,079 --> 00:09:20,833 "We know sod all about space travel, 127 00:09:20,833 --> 00:09:24,469 "but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!" 128 00:09:24,469 --> 00:09:27,552 - That'll fill them with confidence. - How far away? 129 00:09:27,552 --> 00:09:30,757 - About 24 hours, - What? Only 24 hours? 130 00:09:30,757 --> 00:09:32,956 I'd better start gettin' ready! 131 00:09:32,956 --> 00:09:37,511 Twenty four hours... Aow! First in the shower room! 132 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,916 I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tinglin'! 133 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,874 What's wrong with him? We're on a mission of mercy! 134 00:09:46,874 --> 00:09:51,636 We're taking them urgent medical supplies. We're not on the pull. 135 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,030 Yo! 136 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:10,673 No, not on the pull, are we, Lister? Look at you. Absolutely pathetic! 137 00:11:10,673 --> 00:11:13,752 You're wearing all your least smeggy things. 138 00:11:13,752 --> 00:11:16,195 I don't know what you mean. 139 00:11:16,195 --> 00:11:19,590 That T-shirt with only two curry stains, 140 00:11:19,590 --> 00:11:22,035 you only wear on special occasions. 141 00:11:22,035 --> 00:11:25,430 You're toffed up to the nines, laddie! 142 00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:29,229 What about you? You look like Clive of India, 143 00:11:29,229 --> 00:11:32,710 or the one whose mum uses new biological Biz! 144 00:11:32,710 --> 00:11:35,394 Oh, it's started! I knew it would! 145 00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:37,471 - What has? - The put-downs. 146 00:11:37,471 --> 00:11:41,758 It's always the same. Put me down, so you look good. 147 00:11:41,758 --> 00:11:44,115 - Like when? - Those brunettes from Supplies. 148 00:11:44,115 --> 00:11:48,830 I said I worked in Stores, and they asked what I did. 149 00:11:48,830 --> 00:11:51,992 - And I said you were a shelf! - Exactly. 150 00:11:51,992 --> 00:11:54,719 I suggested a trip to Titan Zoo, 151 00:11:54,719 --> 00:11:58,952 and you said, "He's taking you to meet his mum already!" 152 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:02,112 - So? They laughed. - At me. At my expense. 153 00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:07,399 - Just don't put me down. - OK. What do you want me to say? 154 00:12:07,399 --> 00:12:12,110 - For a start, don't call me Rimmer. - Why not? 155 00:12:12,110 --> 00:12:17,115 You always put the emphasis on "Rim". Makes me sound like a disinfectant. 156 00:12:17,115 --> 00:12:19,794 What should I call you? Rimere? 157 00:12:19,794 --> 00:12:23,589 I don't know... "Arnie", "Arn". 158 00:12:23,589 --> 00:12:28,310 Something with a bit more... I don't know... How about "Big Man"? 159 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,551 "Big Man"? 160 00:12:32,551 --> 00:12:35,473 - Or my nickname at school? - "Bonehead"? 161 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,868 - How did you know that? - I was only guessing. 162 00:12:40,868 --> 00:12:43,633 - I meant the other one. - What other one? 163 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,113 "Ace". 164 00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:51,832 Get outta town! Your nickname was never "Ace". Maybe "Acehole". 165 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,432 It WAS my nickname at school, actually. 166 00:12:56,432 --> 00:12:59,796 It's just no one ever called me it. 167 00:12:59,796 --> 00:13:02,110 What are you saying, Rimmer? 168 00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:06,318 I'm saying build me up, don't put me down. 169 00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:10,552 Like...if the opportunity occurs, and it crops up in conversation, 170 00:13:10,552 --> 00:13:13,757 you could perhaps mention that I'm very brave. 171 00:13:13,757 --> 00:13:16,070 - Do what?! - Don't go ape. 172 00:13:16,070 --> 00:13:19,436 Just sort of mention, perhaps, that...I died, 173 00:13:19,436 --> 00:13:22,956 and that I was pretty incredibly brave about it. 174 00:13:22,956 --> 00:13:27,113 Perhaps you could mention that I've had tons of girlfriends? 175 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,716 Oh, forget it! It was just an idea. You're not wearing those boots? 176 00:13:33,716 --> 00:13:37,110 - What's wrong with them? - Oh, they just don't go. 177 00:13:37,110 --> 00:13:40,510 You should wear your Day-Glo orange moon boots. 178 00:13:40,510 --> 00:13:43,592 - You said they were disgusting. - No, very chic. 179 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,638 You said they smelled like an orang-utan's posing pouch. 180 00:13:48,638 --> 00:13:54,158 They set off one of the chemical alarms. You put them in the airlock. 181 00:13:54,158 --> 00:13:57,038 No, they look terrific. I'd wear them. 182 00:13:57,038 --> 00:13:59,350 - Honest? - Definitely. 183 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,628 Come along, everybody! 184 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,910 They're here. They're in orbit! 185 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,754 (GASPS) Miss Jane! 186 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,111 What about your hair? 187 00:14:23,111 --> 00:14:25,350 What a mess you look. 188 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,511 Now, smart but casual. 189 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,555 Miss Anne, why, you haven't touched your soup. 190 00:14:40,555 --> 00:14:44,155 No wonder you're beginning to look so pasty. 191 00:14:44,155 --> 00:14:46,231 Oh, no! 192 00:14:46,231 --> 00:14:48,914 Do eat nicely, Miss Anne! 193 00:14:48,914 --> 00:14:53,949 What will the visitors think if they see you eating like that? 194 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,432 Miss Tracey... 195 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,869 No... You look absolutely perfect. 196 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,749 - What's that smell? - I can't smell anything. 197 00:15:12,749 --> 00:15:15,035 Your eyes are watering. 198 00:15:15,035 --> 00:15:19,113 It's the excitement. We can't wait for Cat. Let's just go. 199 00:15:19,113 --> 00:15:22,317 Come on. He's been preparing for a day. 200 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,155 Aow! Wait for me! 201 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,948 Hi, monkeys! It's me, the plastic surgeon's nightmare! 202 00:15:39,948 --> 00:15:44,591 - A spacesuit with cufflinks?! - Where'd you get the helmet? 203 00:15:44,591 --> 00:15:47,592 I made it. I didn't want to mess up my hair. 204 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:54,752 Hey, listen - don't pass any mirrors, 'cause if we do, I'm there for the day! 205 00:15:54,752 --> 00:15:57,274 (SNIFFS) Phew! What's that smell? 206 00:15:57,274 --> 00:15:59,954 All right? Everybody ready? Let's go, 207 00:15:59,954 --> 00:16:04,192 - What are you doing? - What? What's wrong? 208 00:16:04,192 --> 00:16:08,068 - Why are you wearing a toupee? - What toupee? 209 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,954 - The one on your head. - Whose head? 210 00:16:10,954 --> 00:16:15,113 - You look like a game show host. - What's wrong with everyone? 211 00:16:15,113 --> 00:16:19,159 Three million years without women and you're like 14-year-olds! 212 00:16:19,159 --> 00:16:22,437 - What about you and the socks? - What socks? 213 00:16:22,437 --> 00:16:25,751 - Come on! - He's wearing two pairs of socks, 214 00:16:25,751 --> 00:16:28,274 - Why? - One pair on his feet, 215 00:16:28,274 --> 00:16:30,476 the other down his trousers, 216 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,195 Come in, come in. How lovely to meet you. 217 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,396 Charmita! And what a delightful craft you have. 218 00:16:57,396 --> 00:17:01,189 - Reminds me of my first command. - This way, please. 219 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,632 (WHISPERS) Ace. 220 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,474 - Hey, you're a work of art, baby! - (LISTER) Psst! 221 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,479 You're gonna have to help me, man! 222 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,752 Thank you! 223 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,629 I'm so excited! We all are. 224 00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:31,156 The girls could hardly stop jumping up and down! 225 00:17:31,156 --> 00:17:32,798 Ah! Charmita, charmita! 226 00:17:32,798 --> 00:17:35,633 Ah! Vi parolas Esperanto, Kapitano Rimmer? 227 00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:39,395 - Come again? - You speak Esperanto? 228 00:17:39,395 --> 00:17:42,438 Oh! Si, si, si! Jahwohl! Oui! 229 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,509 Well, here they are. 230 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,231 Charmita! 231 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,030 Well... It's difficult to know what to say... 232 00:18:03,030 --> 00:18:05,111 isn't it, Ace? 233 00:18:05,111 --> 00:18:08,795 Isn't anybody going to say hello? 234 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,911 I think the blonde one's giving you the eye. 235 00:18:12,911 --> 00:18:16,231 Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. 236 00:18:16,231 --> 00:18:19,630 I'll just go and fix some tea. 237 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,355 - Hi, baby! - I don't believe this. 238 00:18:23,355 --> 00:18:25,431 Be strong, Big Man. 239 00:18:25,431 --> 00:18:28,990 Our first contact in three million and two years, 240 00:18:28,990 --> 00:18:31,230 and it's the android Norman Bates. 241 00:18:31,230 --> 00:18:34,949 Come on! So, they're a little skinny! 242 00:18:34,949 --> 00:18:39,192 Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time, 243 00:18:39,192 --> 00:18:41,919 but my mate Ace is incredibly brave. 244 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,871 Smeg off, dogfood face. 245 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,910 - And he's got tons of girlfriends! - I'm warning you, Lister. 246 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,431 Is anything the matter? 247 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,513 Anything the matter? They're dead! 248 00:19:09,513 --> 00:19:11,955 Who's dead? 249 00:19:11,955 --> 00:19:14,793 THEY are dead! They're all dead! 250 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,112 My God! 251 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,078 I was only away two minutes! 252 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,080 They've been dead for centuries! 253 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,399 - No. - Yes! 254 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,911 Are you a doctor? 255 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:39,630 Look at them! They've got less meat on them than a Chicken Nuggett! 256 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:47,358 What am I going to do? I'm programmed to serve them. 257 00:19:47,358 --> 00:19:53,072 - I think we should bury them. - You're that sure they're dead? 258 00:19:53,072 --> 00:19:56,550 - Yes! - What about this one? 259 00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:58,949 Er, there's a simple test. 260 00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:03,477 All right, girls, hands up those of you who are alive. 261 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,079 What am I going to do? 262 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:21,795 I can't leave them! Mr David, please, please, take me back! 263 00:20:21,795 --> 00:20:24,440 You've got to start a new life. 264 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,956 I haven't got the software to cope with this. 265 00:20:27,956 --> 00:20:31,635 I was created to serve. I serve, therefore I am. 266 00:20:31,635 --> 00:20:34,951 It's my purpose to serve without regard for myself. 267 00:20:34,951 --> 00:20:39,113 - You sound like my mum. - It's all I know. 268 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:42,317 You've got to change. Do what you want. 269 00:20:42,317 --> 00:20:44,391 Stop being everyone's smeggin' doormat. 270 00:20:44,391 --> 00:20:47,552 That's easy for you to say, you're human. 271 00:20:47,552 --> 00:20:49,631 Only just. 272 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:57,357 Ah, Kryten! Nothing to do, eh? Follow me. 273 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,835 What the smeggin' hell is going on? 274 00:21:48,835 --> 00:21:51,992 - Good afternoon, Mr David, sir. - What are these? 275 00:21:51,992 --> 00:21:57,677 - Your boxer shorts, Mr David, sir. - No way are these mine. These bend! 276 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,999 - What have you done? - I've done a spot of tidying up. 277 00:22:03,999 --> 00:22:09,837 Where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it? 278 00:22:09,837 --> 00:22:13,674 - I threw it away, sir. - I was breeding that mould! 279 00:22:13,674 --> 00:22:18,834 His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high! 280 00:22:18,834 --> 00:22:22,310 - Why, sir? - Because it drives Rimmer nuts. 281 00:22:22,310 --> 00:22:25,392 Driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going. 282 00:22:25,392 --> 00:22:28,916 - I'm sorry, Mr David, sir. - Look at you. 283 00:22:28,916 --> 00:22:32,879 - Why are you doing this? - Serving makes me happy, sir. 284 00:22:32,879 --> 00:22:36,032 But don't you want to do anything for yourself? 285 00:22:36,032 --> 00:22:41,990 Myself? That's a barmy notion, if you don't mind my saying so, sir! 286 00:22:41,990 --> 00:22:44,913 There must be something you look forward to. 287 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,957 Androids. 288 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,357 Androids 289 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,597 Everybody needs good androids... 290 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:03,233 - That stupid soap opera? Why? - Because I can forget I'm me. 291 00:23:03,233 --> 00:23:06,118 Androids. What else? 292 00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:09,590 - Being asleep. - Androids and being asleep? 293 00:23:09,590 --> 00:23:14,993 Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life you lead there, Kryten, me old son! 294 00:23:14,993 --> 00:23:17,913 I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep. 295 00:23:17,913 --> 00:23:22,915 - Yeah, they're called dreams. - My favourite is about a garden. 296 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,874 I've never even seen a garden, except in books. 297 00:23:27,874 --> 00:23:31,635 And I've planted everything and made it grow. 298 00:23:31,635 --> 00:23:35,599 It's my garden, and there's no one there but me, 299 00:23:35,599 --> 00:23:38,513 just me and all the things I made live. 300 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,397 Silly. 301 00:23:41,397 --> 00:23:45,314 No, it isn't. Find a planet and do it. 302 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,753 I can't. I'm programmed to serve. 303 00:23:48,753 --> 00:23:51,957 But there's no one to serve now, Kryten. 304 00:23:51,957 --> 00:23:56,750 What about Mr Arnold? I've got to complete Mr Arnold's tasks. 305 00:23:56,750 --> 00:24:01,231 You what?! Rimmer gave you all this? 306 00:24:01,231 --> 00:24:04,039 Well, Mr Arnold is my master now. 307 00:24:04,039 --> 00:24:07,351 "Mr Arnold" isn't his name. His name's "Rimmer"... 308 00:24:07,351 --> 00:24:09,431 or "Smeghead"... 309 00:24:09,431 --> 00:24:12,717 or "Dinosaur Breath", or "Molecule Mind". 310 00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:19,399 And on a very rare occasion, when you wanna be really mega-polite to him, 311 00:24:19,399 --> 00:24:22,199 you can call him "Arsehole". 312 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,116 (CAT) Yeah, yeah, yeah! 313 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:55,229 I think it'll be best on that wall, sort of dominating the room. 314 00:24:55,229 --> 00:24:58,437 - Yes, Mr Arnold, sir. - "Yes Mr Arnold, sir!" 315 00:24:58,437 --> 00:25:01,717 - You're a total gwenlin, Kryten. - Yes, Mr David, sir. 316 00:25:01,717 --> 00:25:05,076 - "Yes Mr David, sir!" - Leave it alone, Lister. 317 00:25:05,076 --> 00:25:09,233 - It enjoys the tasks I give it. - Drop dead, Rimmer. 318 00:25:09,233 --> 00:25:11,436 - Already have done. - Encore. 319 00:25:11,436 --> 00:25:16,799 A cat would never be a servant. Ever see a cat return a stick? 320 00:25:16,799 --> 00:25:22,079 "Hey, man, you threw the stick, you go get it yourself. I'm busy! 321 00:25:22,079 --> 00:25:26,358 "If you wanted the stick, why'd you throw it away?" 322 00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:29,238 Kryten, you got nothing from those movies. 323 00:25:29,238 --> 00:25:33,552 - What movies? - Mr David showed me the Wild Ones, 324 00:25:33,552 --> 00:25:36,677 Easy Rider and Rebel Without A Cause. 325 00:25:36,677 --> 00:25:40,275 I thought it might do him good. Fat chance. 326 00:25:40,275 --> 00:25:42,351 During Marlon Brando's rebel speech, 327 00:25:42,351 --> 00:25:46,353 he gets a brush-a-matic and does my lapels! 328 00:25:46,353 --> 00:25:50,877 Well, now maybe you'll learn, Lister. There's a natural order to things. 329 00:25:50,877 --> 00:25:52,951 Some give orders, others obey. 330 00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:57,397 That's how it's always been, that's how it'll always be. Eh, Kryten? 331 00:25:57,397 --> 00:26:01,075 - Oh, yes, Mr Arnold, sir. - Oh, what's the point? 332 00:26:01,075 --> 00:26:06,393 - Well, I've finished, Mr Arnold, sir. - Excellent, Kryten! 333 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,153 I think it's rather good. Don't you? 334 00:26:16,153 --> 00:26:22,429 - WHAT are you doing? - I, erm... I think I'm, er... 335 00:26:22,429 --> 00:26:24,590 I'm rebelling. 336 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,393 - Rebelling? - I, er...sort of... 337 00:26:28,393 --> 00:26:31,870 I think that's what I'm doing. 338 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,511 You...are rebelling? 339 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,199 Yes. 340 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,076 What are you rebelling against? 341 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,356 (AS MARLON BRANDO) Whaddya got? 342 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,191 Dinosaur breath! 343 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,915 Molecule mind! 344 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,716 Smeg-for-brains! 345 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,596 - I need your bike! - You got it! 346 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,991 Swivel on it, punk! 347 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,997 It's cold outside 348 00:27:27,997 --> 00:27:29,877 There's no kind of atmosphere 349 00:27:29,877 --> 00:27:33,316 I'm all alone, more or less 350 00:27:33,316 --> 00:27:36,517 Let me fly far away from here 351 00:27:36,517 --> 00:27:39,353 Fun, fun, fun 352 00:27:39,353 --> 00:27:42,955 In the sun, sun, sun 353 00:27:42,955 --> 00:27:46,396 I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 354 00:27:46,396 --> 00:27:49,756 Drinking fresh mango juice 355 00:27:49,756 --> 00:27:53,116 Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 356 00:27:53,116 --> 00:27:55,873 Fun, fun, fun 357 00:27:55,873 --> 00:27:59,635 In the sun, sun, sun 358 00:27:59,635 --> 00:28:02,393 Fun, fun, fun 359 00:28:02,393 --> 00:28:06,553 In the sun, sun, sun 360 00:28:06,603 --> 00:28:11,153 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 28986

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