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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,287 --> 00:00:08,643 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:07,123 This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. 3 00:01:07,207 --> 00:01:10,597 The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. 4 00:01:10,687 --> 00:01:14,885 The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation, 5 00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:18,642 and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. 6 00:01:18,727 --> 00:01:20,718 Revived three million years later, 7 00:01:20,807 --> 00:01:23,719 Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat 8 00:01:23,847 --> 00:01:26,680 and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. 9 00:01:29,287 --> 00:01:34,281 We've enough food to last 30,000 years, but there's only one After Eight mint left, 10 00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:37,245 and everyone's too polite to take it. 11 00:01:38,407 --> 00:01:44,004 Let's see..."Astronavigation and Engineering Structure Made Simple". 12 00:01:45,007 --> 00:01:46,998 That's Rimmer's. 13 00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:51,396 Ah-ha! "The Pop-Up Kama Sutra. 14 00:01:52,807 --> 00:01:56,004 "Zero Gravity Edition." That's mine. 15 00:02:00,047 --> 00:02:03,244 "Arnold j Rimmer - A Tribute." What's this? 16 00:02:03,327 --> 00:02:07,036 - It's a video of my death. - You videoed your death? 17 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,244 - Holly did it for me. - You're strange, Rimmer. 18 00:02:10,327 --> 00:02:13,524 Why? You have videos of weddings and births. 19 00:02:13,607 --> 00:02:18,806 So, you have people around and invite them to watch you snuff it? 20 00:02:18,887 --> 00:02:25,042 My death is one of the most important things that ever happened to me. 21 00:02:25,127 --> 00:02:28,244 - Weird! - What about these posters? 22 00:02:28,327 --> 00:02:32,002 - They're mine. - But the Blu-Tack is mine. 23 00:02:32,087 --> 00:02:36,922 - You want the Blu-Tack? - It is mine. I paid for it. 24 00:02:37,007 --> 00:02:40,795 There's one of your old toenail clippings under the bed. 25 00:02:40,887 --> 00:02:46,041 This is the best decision I ever made. No more of your stupid face. 26 00:02:46,127 --> 00:02:50,279 - No more of your stupid habits. - Me? What did I do? 27 00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:54,997 You hummed. Maliciously and persistently for two years. 28 00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,726 Every time I sat down to revise... 29 00:02:57,807 --> 00:02:59,240 (HUMS ANN0YINGLY) 30 00:02:59,327 --> 00:03:03,639 Are you saying you never became an officer because I hummed? 31 00:03:03,727 --> 00:03:06,195 0bviously not just that, Lister. Everything! 32 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:10,041 - Everything you ever did held me back. - Like what? 33 00:03:10,127 --> 00:03:12,595 Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray. 34 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:18,560 I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo. 35 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:21,921 Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable, 36 00:03:22,007 --> 00:03:25,283 so instead of taking Engineering finals, I went swimming. 37 00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:29,838 The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back right. 38 00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:33,363 Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly. 39 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:36,962 Come on! That was a joke. 40 00:03:37,047 --> 00:03:41,165 Yes, Lister, like putting my name on the waiting list 41 00:03:41,247 --> 00:03:43,807 for experimental pile surgery. 42 00:03:43,887 --> 00:03:46,242 It's not all one-way, Rimmer. 43 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:50,798 - You're hardly Mr Easy-To-Live-With. - What are you talking about? 44 00:03:50,887 --> 00:03:54,004 You playing your self-hypnosis tapes all night. 45 00:03:54,087 --> 00:03:56,681 "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." 46 00:03:56,767 --> 00:03:59,361 "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep." 47 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:03,406 - We both got the same benefit. - Yeah, neither of us slept. 48 00:04:03,487 --> 00:04:07,560 You tied me hair to the bedpost, then sounded the fire alarm! 49 00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:12,118 I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain. 50 00:04:12,207 --> 00:04:14,243 I nearly needed brain surgery! 51 00:04:14,327 --> 00:04:19,003 What brains? The point is, you've always stopped me being successful. 52 00:04:19,087 --> 00:04:22,477 Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life. 53 00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:25,604 - 0h, yes, I can. - It's always the same. 54 00:04:25,687 --> 00:04:30,807 You never had the right pens. Your dividers don't stretch far enough. 55 00:04:30,887 --> 00:04:32,878 - Well, they don't! - See? 56 00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:37,995 You can't say, "I buggered up my life. It's all Lister's fault!" 57 00:04:38,087 --> 00:04:43,878 Well, I'm not, am I? I'm moving out. 0ut of Slob City and into Successville. 58 00:04:43,967 --> 00:04:48,085 - What? Next door? - It's not the place, it's the company. 59 00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:52,046 I'm sharing with someone who'll give me encouragement and understanding, 60 00:04:52,127 --> 00:04:55,005 the thrust and parry of meaningful conversation. 61 00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:57,681 - Everything tickety-boo? - Absolutement, Mr Rimmer. 62 00:04:57,767 --> 00:04:59,758 I'll be along lickety-split. 63 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,158 Carry on! 64 00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:09,398 What a guy! 65 00:05:09,487 --> 00:05:12,923 Why didn't I think of this before? Another me. 66 00:05:13,007 --> 00:05:16,636 Yeah, yeah... Shall I take this through? 67 00:05:16,727 --> 00:05:21,084 Be careful with that. It's an antique. It's absolutely priceless. 68 00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:29,001 "Absolutement", "tickety-boo", "lickety-split"... 69 00:05:29,087 --> 00:05:31,920 God, meaningful conversation! 70 00:05:32,807 --> 00:05:39,076 "Second Technician Arnold j Rimmer and Second Technician Arnold j Rimmer." 71 00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,839 (SIGHS) 72 00:05:42,887 --> 00:05:46,926 Be careful with that. It's an antique. It's absolutely priceless. 73 00:05:47,007 --> 00:05:50,920 - Gosh, I just said that! - Did you? That's incredible! 74 00:05:51,007 --> 00:05:52,998 What a lovely story! 75 00:05:53,087 --> 00:05:57,080 Why have you got "No smoking" signs? Neither of you smoke. 76 00:05:57,167 --> 00:06:02,082 Because they're our signs and we happen to think they look rather striking. 77 00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:05,079 Whoa-ho-ho! What's all this? 78 00:06:05,167 --> 00:06:09,638 "Arnold's Tops With Us", "Arnie Does It Best"... 79 00:06:09,727 --> 00:06:12,321 This is very funny stuff. 80 00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:15,524 - Just go. - Because your name's Arnold Rimmer, 81 00:06:15,607 --> 00:06:18,963 and even though these headlines are about other people, 82 00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:22,562 you've put them on the wall, so people think they're about you? 83 00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:27,721 - Shoo! Go on, out! - This'll keep me laughing all winter! 84 00:06:27,807 --> 00:06:31,686 We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, 85 00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:34,884 your socks that set off the sprinkler system. 86 00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:38,562 - Vacate our new quarters. - Bye-bye, Rimmer. 87 00:06:38,647 --> 00:06:41,878 No, sorry... Bye-bye, bye-bye, Rimmer, Rimmer. 88 00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:47,719 (B0TH) Goit. 89 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:54,525 Aow! Hey! I'm looking so good today! 90 00:06:54,607 --> 00:06:58,202 If I looked any better, I'd be illegal! 91 00:06:59,527 --> 00:07:04,760 Hello, hello! Testing, testing! 0ne, one, one! Me, me, me! 92 00:07:04,847 --> 00:07:09,477 Attention, all lady cats. I am feeling very, very sexy! 93 00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:12,035 Can you hear me, lady cats? 94 00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,277 My body is available! 95 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:18,963 Please form a queue! No squabbling! This is your lucky day! 96 00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:20,844 (HUMS) 97 00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:25,564 Ecstasy! 98 00:07:25,647 --> 00:07:27,046 (SINGS TUNELESSLY) 99 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:32,205 We're talking mega-ecstasy bliss! 100 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:39,607 I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like. 101 00:07:39,687 --> 00:07:41,723 I'm a free man. 102 00:07:42,847 --> 00:07:45,919 And you see those socks? See 'em? 103 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:50,046 They're going right where they belong, all over the floor, 104 00:07:50,127 --> 00:07:53,676 where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em. 105 00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:57,362 I can have the bottom bunk, the big bunk. 106 00:07:57,447 --> 00:08:02,567 I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. 107 00:08:02,647 --> 00:08:07,243 I'm going to squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle. 108 00:08:07,327 --> 00:08:12,196 In fact, I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! 109 00:08:12,287 --> 00:08:16,439 I'm gonna crack me knuckles. I'm gonna grind me teeth. 110 00:08:16,527 --> 00:08:19,724 I'm gonna live for a change! (LAUGHS MADLY) 111 00:08:20,687 --> 00:08:24,282 (SNIFFS) 0oh, smeggin' hell! 112 00:08:33,007 --> 00:08:37,046 What's this? Video of Rimmer's death? 113 00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:41,837 Holly, get us some popcorn and put the video on, would you? 114 00:08:41,927 --> 00:08:46,045 Well, I can just about manage that, I suppose. 115 00:08:48,887 --> 00:08:51,845 "BSc", "SSc"? What's that? 116 00:08:51,927 --> 00:08:54,805 Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate. 117 00:08:54,887 --> 00:08:56,878 He's a total lunatic. 118 00:08:56,967 --> 00:09:00,596 Hello. This video pays homage to a man 119 00:09:00,687 --> 00:09:04,282 who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing. 120 00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:08,326 Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments, 121 00:09:08,407 --> 00:09:12,525 there'll be a lengthy tribute, interspersed with poetry read by me. 122 00:09:12,607 --> 00:09:14,598 Whoa! Spin on! 123 00:09:15,047 --> 00:09:17,038 Poetry in motion. 124 00:09:17,847 --> 00:09:20,884 ...and if it hadn't been for those people 125 00:09:20,967 --> 00:09:24,437 who kept dragging him down, pulling him back... 126 00:09:24,527 --> 00:09:26,518 Spin on! 127 00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:30,599 ...if you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, 128 00:09:30,687 --> 00:09:33,121 he'd be in Corsica peeling spuds. 129 00:09:33,207 --> 00:09:35,004 Spin on! 130 00:09:36,247 --> 00:09:40,286 ...we see the final moments of Arnold j Rimmer. 131 00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:42,039 Yes! 132 00:09:42,127 --> 00:09:48,157 It was your job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work. 133 00:09:48,247 --> 00:09:53,116 I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences. 134 00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:57,120 Emergency. There's an emergency going on. 135 00:09:57,207 --> 00:10:00,563 Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159...? 136 00:10:00,647 --> 00:10:02,524 Gazpacho soup! 137 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,799 (LISTER) 0ff. 138 00:10:10,487 --> 00:10:15,686 Gazpacho soup? Why were his last words "gazpacho soup"? 139 00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:19,123 Attention, lady cats! Sensual emergency! 140 00:10:19,207 --> 00:10:21,277 Good lovin' needed bad! 141 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:24,359 Aow! Hey, no girls here? 142 00:10:24,447 --> 00:10:30,044 What a waste of a good move! Shame. I'm looking so dangerous, too! 143 00:10:30,127 --> 00:10:32,482 Aow! Yeah, yeah! 144 00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:35,365 Cat, what are you doing? 145 00:10:35,447 --> 00:10:37,483 I'm courting. 146 00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:40,358 Courting who? 147 00:10:40,447 --> 00:10:43,120 - Whoever shows up. - I told you before, 148 00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,516 there's no other cats on board. 149 00:10:45,607 --> 00:10:52,080 If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy! Aow! Yeah, yeah! 150 00:11:00,487 --> 00:11:04,002 (RIMMER) Up, up, up! Stretch, stretch, stretch! 151 00:11:04,087 --> 00:11:05,998 - Stretch further! - And rest. 152 00:11:06,087 --> 00:11:09,397 - No! Keep jumping! - Absolutely. Through the pain barrier. 153 00:11:09,487 --> 00:11:11,478 - Jump, jump, jump! - And rest. 154 00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:14,604 - What are you doing?! - It's going all grey! 155 00:11:14,687 --> 00:11:18,282 - That's the pain barrier! Beat it! - You're absolutely right. 156 00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:21,882 - And rest. - Brilliant! That extra little bit. 157 00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:25,164 - What time do we get up? - Early. 8.30. 158 00:11:25,247 --> 00:11:28,444 - No, earlier. 7.00. - How about 6.00? 159 00:11:28,527 --> 00:11:31,997 - No, 4.30. - That's the middle of the night! 160 00:11:32,087 --> 00:11:34,601 You wanted driving. I'm driving you. 161 00:11:34,687 --> 00:11:36,803 0nce again, you're absolutely right. 162 00:11:36,887 --> 00:11:41,199 Holly, alarm call, 4.30 am. Make it the extra loud one. 163 00:11:41,287 --> 00:11:43,039 Yes, Arnold. And Arnold. 164 00:11:43,127 --> 00:11:47,040 - What are you doing, Arnold? - I'm going to bed, Arnold. 165 00:11:47,127 --> 00:11:50,722 It's 2 am. We can get in some revision. 166 00:11:50,807 --> 00:11:53,162 I'm getting up in a minute. 167 00:11:53,247 --> 00:11:55,681 You take Porous Circuits and Esperanto. 168 00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:58,645 I'll take Thermal Energy and Philosophy. 169 00:11:58,727 --> 00:12:03,403 - Fantastic! I'm in heaven! - Better than sex. 170 00:12:06,287 --> 00:12:10,917 It's 4.30. Here is your early morning alarm call. 171 00:12:11,007 --> 00:12:12,998 (F0GH0RN, BELLS AND SIRENS S0UND) 172 00:12:13,087 --> 00:12:15,237 (RIMMER) 0ff! 0ff! 0ff! 173 00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:19,162 That's it. Smooth and even. Up and down. 174 00:12:20,127 --> 00:12:24,757 Ah, Lister. Bonan matenon. Didn't wake you, I trust? 175 00:12:24,847 --> 00:12:27,680 No, I haven't been to bed yet. 176 00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,998 But it's 5.05 am. It's practically lunchtime. 177 00:12:31,087 --> 00:12:33,078 What are you doing? 178 00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:38,560 It's called work, Lister. W-0-R-K. It is in the dictionary. 179 00:12:38,647 --> 00:12:40,638 Come on, paint! Paint! 180 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,719 Why is it the same colour as before? 181 00:12:43,807 --> 00:12:49,006 They're changing it from ocean grey to military grey. 182 00:12:49,087 --> 00:12:53,319 - Looks exactly the same to me. - No, no, no, no... 183 00:12:53,407 --> 00:12:56,046 That's the new military grey bit there... 184 00:12:56,127 --> 00:12:59,199 and that's the dowdy old ocean grey there. 185 00:13:00,007 --> 00:13:02,646 0r is it the other way around? 186 00:13:02,727 --> 00:13:06,322 It doesn't matter. It's very nice. So, how's Mrs Rimmer? 187 00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:12,437 Tee-hee... Get into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for a day's slob. 188 00:13:12,527 --> 00:13:16,315 I just wondered what you talked about and that. 189 00:13:16,407 --> 00:13:18,716 Millions of things, Lister. 190 00:13:18,807 --> 00:13:22,197 Apart from being a genius, he's a total delight. 191 00:13:22,287 --> 00:13:25,836 - He keeps me in stitches. - He knows everything you know, 192 00:13:25,927 --> 00:13:29,124 and vice versa, so what do you talk about? 193 00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:34,201 We reminisce, chew over old times, past glories... old girlfriends. 194 00:13:34,287 --> 00:13:39,281 - 0h, you mean Yvonne McGruder? - Don't say it as if she's the only one. 195 00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:41,358 Name one other girlfriend, then. 196 00:13:41,447 --> 00:13:48,046 Lister, I'm far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that shower-room mentality. 197 00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:52,643 All you need to know about Yvonne McGruder is I gave her one. 198 00:13:53,327 --> 00:13:56,399 Fine, Rimmer. Very nice. Very, very nice. 199 00:13:56,487 --> 00:14:00,162 So, um... what's gazpacho soup? 200 00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:04,516 - What? - They were your last words. Why? 201 00:14:04,607 --> 00:14:07,280 You've been watching my death video. 202 00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:10,245 That's private! It's for my enjoyment only! 203 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:14,286 It just seems a strange thing to say, "Gazpacho soup." 204 00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:18,804 I didn't have time to bash out a speech in iambic pentameter. 205 00:14:18,887 --> 00:14:21,526 I was hit by an atomic explosion. 206 00:14:21,607 --> 00:14:23,598 But why "gazpacho soup"? 207 00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:26,360 That is something you will never know. 208 00:14:26,447 --> 00:14:30,963 Arnold, you asked me to remind you about your Esperanto revision. 209 00:14:31,047 --> 00:14:34,039 Thank you, Holly. You two, carry on. 210 00:14:42,127 --> 00:14:44,402 "A to Z of Red Dwarf." 211 00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:49,003 (CACKLES) I thought so! 212 00:14:51,207 --> 00:14:54,199 "My Diary", by Arnold j Rimmer. 213 00:14:54,287 --> 00:14:59,805 January 1st: "I have decided to keep a journal of the coming year, 214 00:14:59,887 --> 00:15:04,358 "a daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command, 215 00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:07,166 "so that one day, other aspiring officers 216 00:15:07,247 --> 00:15:10,045 "may seek enlightenment in these pages. 217 00:15:10,127 --> 00:15:13,278 "0ne day, this journal may take its place 218 00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:18,487 "alongside Napoleon's war diaries and the memories of julius Caesar." 219 00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:21,558 Next entry... 220 00:15:22,887 --> 00:15:27,517 july 17th: "Auntie Maggie's Birthday." 221 00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:35,721 November 25th: "Gazpacho soup day." 222 00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:40,277 That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out. 223 00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:47,886 He won't find that one. 224 00:15:47,967 --> 00:15:50,435 Not until he changes his boots. 225 00:15:50,527 --> 00:15:52,836 0h! Did you see him clearly? 226 00:15:52,927 --> 00:15:56,966 Could you spot him in a parade? I don't think so. 227 00:15:57,047 --> 00:15:59,481 I could've been anybody. 228 00:16:08,127 --> 00:16:10,243 Ten and three-quarter centimetres! 229 00:16:10,327 --> 00:16:15,447 Plus five for not breaking, and that is a big, big score! 230 00:16:15,527 --> 00:16:20,203 The Browns have to do something quite sensational. Quiet, please. 231 00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:22,278 - Busy, Dave? - (CH0KES) 232 00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,358 Well, yeah, I am, actually. 233 00:16:24,447 --> 00:16:28,918 Then you won't care about the super-lightspeed fighters tracking us. 234 00:16:29,007 --> 00:16:30,406 What?! 235 00:16:30,487 --> 00:16:33,923 - I'll leave you to your bubble blowing. - No, come on. 236 00:16:34,007 --> 00:16:36,840 - They're from Earth. - That's three million years away. 237 00:16:36,927 --> 00:16:39,680 They're from the Norweb Federation. 238 00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:45,681 - What's that? - The North Western Electricity Board. 239 00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:49,521 - They want you, Dave. - Me? Why? What for? 240 00:16:49,607 --> 00:16:52,519 - For your crimes against humanity. - You what?! 241 00:16:52,607 --> 00:16:58,045 When you left Earth, you left two half-eaten sausages in your kitchen. 242 00:16:58,127 --> 00:17:02,200 - Did I? - Do you know what happens to sausages 243 00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:05,438 - after three million years? - Yeah, they go mouldy. 244 00:17:05,527 --> 00:17:09,884 Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. 245 00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:13,721 Also, you left L17.50 in your bank account. 246 00:17:13,927 --> 00:17:17,681 Thanks to interest, you own 98% of the world's wealth. 247 00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:23,046 After three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb. 248 00:17:23,127 --> 00:17:25,118 Why Norweb? 249 00:17:25,207 --> 00:17:28,438 You left a light on in the bathroom. 250 00:17:29,127 --> 00:17:33,359 I've got a final demand here for L180 billion. 251 00:17:33,447 --> 00:17:36,723 L180 billion?! You're kidding?! 252 00:17:36,807 --> 00:17:39,002 April Fool. 253 00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,358 But it's not April. 254 00:17:42,447 --> 00:17:47,680 Yeah, but I couldn't wait six months with a red-hot jape like that. 255 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,406 So, you just made it up, then? 256 00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:53,763 Yeah. Bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it? 257 00:17:53,847 --> 00:17:56,077 You can't beat a good wheeze. 258 00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:59,716 I don't need a wheeze. I can do it myself. 259 00:17:59,807 --> 00:18:02,526 You haven't got a clue. You're useless. 260 00:18:02,607 --> 00:18:06,361 - Shh! What's that? - (RIMMER) I make you vomit? 261 00:18:06,447 --> 00:18:08,642 (RIMMER 2) Keep your voice down! 262 00:18:08,727 --> 00:18:11,958 - I'm not gonna take this abuse. - 0h, yes! 263 00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:15,960 When the going gets tough, the tough cry in the corner. 264 00:18:16,047 --> 00:18:21,280 You've got a sponge for a backbone! No wonder father hated you! 265 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,006 That's a lie! Lie, lie, lie! 266 00:18:24,087 --> 00:18:28,126 - Why didn't he send you to the academy? - He couldn't afford it! 267 00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:31,085 0h! He sent all our brothers! 268 00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:33,840 You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar! 269 00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:36,680 Nobody likes you! Not even Mummy! 270 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,679 Mummy did like me! Mummy was just busy. 271 00:18:39,767 --> 00:18:43,476 - She had a lot of meetings to go to. - Twaddle! 272 00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:46,957 You better watch what you say about my mummy! 273 00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:49,607 0h, grow up, Mr Gazpacho! 274 00:18:50,127 --> 00:18:55,963 - Mister what? - I said Mr Gaz-pa-cho, deafie! 275 00:18:56,047 --> 00:19:00,006 - That is the most hurtful thing... - Good! 276 00:19:00,087 --> 00:19:04,922 (RIMMER) That is the last straw. You're finished, Rimmer. 277 00:19:05,007 --> 00:19:07,646 (RIMMER 2) No, you're finished, Rimmer! 278 00:19:14,647 --> 00:19:17,957 Ah, Lister... How are you? 279 00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:21,798 I'm tickety-boo. What do you want? 280 00:19:21,887 --> 00:19:25,800 I don't suppose you've got that Blu-Tack, have you? 281 00:19:25,887 --> 00:19:27,843 Rimmer, it's 3 am! 282 00:19:27,927 --> 00:19:33,047 It doesn't matter. It can wait till morning. I'm just gonna sleep here. 283 00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:39,085 - Everything all right, is it? - Sure. Absolutely. Yeah, sure. 284 00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:42,762 - No problems, then? - No. No, no. 285 00:19:42,847 --> 00:19:44,963 Things couldn't be hunky-dorier. 286 00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:50,677 It's just I thought I heard, you know... raised voices? 287 00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:56,564 It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it? Having a blazing row with yourself. 288 00:19:57,287 --> 00:20:02,600 (RIMMER 2) Hit the wall! Go on! Hit the wall! Yeah! Yeah! 289 00:20:02,687 --> 00:20:06,236 (RIMMER 2) Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! 290 00:20:06,327 --> 00:20:09,683 0bviously, we have professional disagreements, 291 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:12,884 but nothing with anything to it. Nothing malicious. 292 00:20:12,967 --> 00:20:15,527 (RIMMER 2) Shut up, you dead git! 293 00:20:16,927 --> 00:20:19,760 Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? 294 00:20:23,127 --> 00:20:28,599 Stop your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum! 295 00:20:31,967 --> 00:20:35,926 Lister, there's no point in concealing it anymore. 296 00:20:36,007 --> 00:20:39,841 Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff. 297 00:20:39,927 --> 00:20:45,081 Nothing major... but it goes without saying, it was his fault! 298 00:20:55,527 --> 00:20:58,087 (VOICEOVER) Miles from Earth? 299 00:20:58,167 --> 00:21:02,126 Deep in the Solar System and you fancy a curry? 300 00:21:02,207 --> 00:21:05,836 Why not drop in at the Titan TajMahal restaurant? 301 00:21:05,927 --> 00:21:10,159 Enjoy the finest Tandoori cuisine at one-fifth gravity. 302 00:21:10,247 --> 00:21:13,557 Just a short space-walk from this cinema. 303 00:21:13,687 --> 00:21:15,484 (CH0MPING) 304 00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:19,717 - Shut up! - Will you stop that? 305 00:21:19,807 --> 00:21:22,480 - I'm trying to watch! - I'm only eatin'! 306 00:21:22,567 --> 00:21:25,365 Eating's when food goes in your mouth! 307 00:21:30,047 --> 00:21:32,163 - Afternoon. - Yeah. 308 00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:35,398 - What's on? - "Citizen Kane." 309 00:21:35,487 --> 00:21:40,003 There's no smoking on this side. You should be sitting over there. 310 00:21:40,087 --> 00:21:42,726 - Nobody's complaining. - Yes, they are. I am. 311 00:21:42,807 --> 00:21:47,676 So, kindly move to the smoking area for the convenience of other patrons. 312 00:21:49,607 --> 00:21:51,723 I thought you hated films. 313 00:21:51,807 --> 00:21:55,038 No. I did a film course at night school. 314 00:21:55,127 --> 00:21:58,005 "Citizen Kane", eh? That's 0rson Welles, is it? 315 00:22:01,327 --> 00:22:04,046 That's "Citizen Kane" all right. Unmistakable. 316 00:22:04,127 --> 00:22:06,721 Why are you here? Where's your wife? 317 00:22:06,807 --> 00:22:10,083 Don't ask me. He's nothing to do with me. 318 00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:16,197 Last I saw, he was changing the paint back to ocean grey. He's quite mad! 319 00:22:20,087 --> 00:22:21,440 Lister. Cat. 320 00:22:23,887 --> 00:22:25,878 Excuse me. I can't see. 321 00:22:25,967 --> 00:22:27,559 Shh. 322 00:22:27,647 --> 00:22:32,516 Excuse me, I can't see through your stupid, sticky-out-eared head. 323 00:22:32,607 --> 00:22:35,280 - I'm trying to watch the film! - Yeah! 324 00:22:35,367 --> 00:22:38,757 - Move! - Look, I just chose a seat at random. 325 00:22:38,847 --> 00:22:41,407 If you're unhappy, I suggest you move. 326 00:22:41,487 --> 00:22:42,886 Right. 327 00:22:42,967 --> 00:22:46,880 Now, where shall I sit? So many to choose from. 328 00:22:46,967 --> 00:22:50,039 How about over there or over there? 329 00:22:50,127 --> 00:22:52,118 No, that's a nice seat! 330 00:22:53,607 --> 00:22:56,485 Look at this. Mr Maturity. 331 00:23:01,647 --> 00:23:04,719 Will you two guys just grow up? 332 00:23:04,807 --> 00:23:09,517 There's only one immature person around here, and we all know who. 333 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:16,476 (STUPID V0ICE) Hello. What do you think of Arnold Rimmer? 334 00:23:16,567 --> 00:23:18,364 (BL0WS RASPBERRY) 335 00:23:20,527 --> 00:23:23,246 This can't go on. 0ne of you has gotta go. 336 00:23:23,327 --> 00:23:24,726 (B0TH) Yes, him. 337 00:23:24,807 --> 00:23:28,277 - It's clear which one has to go. - Yes, you! 338 00:23:28,367 --> 00:23:31,837 I was here first. I nursed Listie through those early, delicate days! 339 00:23:31,927 --> 00:23:36,284 We're exactly the same person. 0nly you're mentally unstable. 340 00:23:36,367 --> 00:23:39,677 Ippy-dippy, my spaceshippy, on a course so true... 341 00:23:39,767 --> 00:23:43,919 Past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you. 342 00:23:44,007 --> 00:23:47,636 - Excellent decision. - The one you end on stays, yeah? 343 00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:50,764 - It's you. - Wait a minute. Hold your horses. 344 00:23:50,847 --> 00:23:52,963 It's your own fault, Rimmer. 345 00:23:53,047 --> 00:23:57,006 If you'd given me Kochanski's hologram, this wouldn't have happened. 346 00:23:57,087 --> 00:23:59,078 Drive Room. Ten minutes. 347 00:23:59,167 --> 00:24:01,158 Drive Room. Five minutes. 348 00:24:03,287 --> 00:24:06,279 I don't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to death. 349 00:24:13,247 --> 00:24:15,841 - I want you out. - What have I said? 350 00:24:15,927 --> 00:24:17,918 Just out! 351 00:24:18,007 --> 00:24:20,202 There's precious little entertainment around here. 352 00:24:20,287 --> 00:24:24,724 If you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left? 353 00:24:24,807 --> 00:24:26,525 0ut! Go on! 354 00:24:28,727 --> 00:24:32,242 (SNEERS) Don't forget to write... 355 00:24:32,327 --> 00:24:34,363 you great nancy! 356 00:24:39,407 --> 00:24:41,204 Lister. 357 00:24:41,287 --> 00:24:45,565 Fancy a drink? I didn't know you had any medals! 358 00:24:45,647 --> 00:24:47,638 What are they? 359 00:24:47,727 --> 00:24:51,037 Three Years' Long Service, Six Years' Long Service, 360 00:24:51,127 --> 00:24:54,517 Nine Years' Long Service, Twelve Years' Long Service. 361 00:24:54,607 --> 00:24:58,646 - Come on, just one drink. - I'll have a whisky. 362 00:24:58,727 --> 00:25:01,241 - Holly? - How would you like it? 363 00:25:01,327 --> 00:25:05,798 Straight... with ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon. 364 00:25:08,887 --> 00:25:10,479 Another? 365 00:25:13,127 --> 00:25:14,924 And another. 366 00:25:17,087 --> 00:25:19,203 And another. Make it a double. 367 00:25:23,367 --> 00:25:27,645 So, what's this gazpacho soup business? What's it all about? 368 00:25:27,727 --> 00:25:32,039 I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you. 369 00:25:33,687 --> 00:25:35,996 Gazpacho soup. 370 00:25:36,087 --> 00:25:39,762 It was the greatest night of my life. 371 00:25:39,847 --> 00:25:43,283 I'd been invited to the Captain's table. 372 00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:47,758 I'd only been with the company 14 years. 373 00:25:48,847 --> 00:25:51,281 Six officers and me! 374 00:25:51,367 --> 00:25:53,722 They called me "Arnold". 375 00:25:55,207 --> 00:25:57,721 We had gazpacho soup for starters. 376 00:25:58,407 --> 00:26:02,639 I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. 377 00:26:03,647 --> 00:26:09,995 I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot. 378 00:26:11,087 --> 00:26:13,078 He did! 379 00:26:13,167 --> 00:26:16,842 The looks on their faces still haunt me today! 380 00:26:16,927 --> 00:26:20,363 I thought they were laughing at the chef, 381 00:26:20,447 --> 00:26:25,919 when they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! 382 00:26:27,767 --> 00:26:30,964 I never ate at the Captain's table again. 383 00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:35,120 - That was the end of my career. - Anyone could've done that. 384 00:26:35,207 --> 00:26:38,756 If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! 385 00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:42,965 Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling through tunnels. 386 00:26:43,047 --> 00:26:47,086 If only, just once, they'd said, "Gazpacho soup is served cold!" 387 00:26:47,167 --> 00:26:49,840 I could've been an admiral by now! 388 00:26:50,927 --> 00:26:54,761 Instead of a nothing, which is what I am, let's face it. 389 00:26:54,847 --> 00:26:57,520 - 0h, you're not a nothing. - He is. 390 00:26:57,607 --> 00:27:00,201 - You're right! - I know I'm right. 391 00:27:00,967 --> 00:27:04,039 I never got off the bottom rung. 392 00:27:04,127 --> 00:27:09,326 And do you know why? Because I didn't have the right nobby parents. 393 00:27:09,407 --> 00:27:13,685 I bet Todhunter was served gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids. 394 00:27:14,447 --> 00:27:17,917 No, I bet he was breast-fed with it! 395 00:27:18,007 --> 00:27:23,081 0ne side gazpacho soup and the other side dispensing chilled champagne! 396 00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:26,876 Is this gonna go on all day? I thought he was gettin' wiped! 397 00:27:28,087 --> 00:27:31,682 Yes, go on. Turn me off. Get rid of me. 398 00:27:32,167 --> 00:27:35,443 I've already done it. I wiped the other one. 399 00:27:37,927 --> 00:27:40,805 What?! You wiped... When?! 400 00:27:40,887 --> 00:27:45,438 - Just before you came in. - And you let me bare my soul? 401 00:27:45,527 --> 00:27:51,841 Yeah! I wanted to know about gazpacho soup. I knew you wouldn't tell me. 402 00:27:51,927 --> 00:27:57,638 0f course I wouldn't. You'd make my life a hell with gazpacho soup jokes. 403 00:27:57,727 --> 00:27:59,718 Rimmer. 404 00:27:59,807 --> 00:28:04,722 I promise, I swear I will never, ever mention this conversation again. 405 00:28:04,807 --> 00:28:07,526 And when I swear, I mean it. 406 00:28:07,607 --> 00:28:10,167 - You promise? - I promise. 407 00:28:10,247 --> 00:28:12,238 Do you swear absolutely? 408 00:28:12,327 --> 00:28:16,718 I swear absolutely that I will never mention gazpacho soup again! 409 00:28:16,807 --> 00:28:18,843 All right... 410 00:28:18,927 --> 00:28:23,523 You're a bit of a slob, but you keep your word. 411 00:28:23,607 --> 00:28:26,246 This time I'm gonna believe you. 412 00:28:26,327 --> 00:28:28,318 Let's go for another drink. 413 00:28:30,047 --> 00:28:31,446 Souper! 414 00:28:36,607 --> 00:28:40,282 It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere 415 00:28:40,367 --> 00:28:43,723 I'm all alone, more or less 416 00:28:43,807 --> 00:28:46,924 Let me fly far away from here 417 00:28:47,007 --> 00:28:49,760 Fun, fun, fun 418 00:28:49,847 --> 00:28:53,362 In the sun, sun, sun 419 00:28:53,447 --> 00:28:56,803 I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 420 00:28:56,887 --> 00:29:00,163 Drinking fresh mango juice 421 00:29:00,247 --> 00:29:03,523 Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 422 00:29:03,607 --> 00:29:06,280 Fun, fun, fun 423 00:29:06,367 --> 00:29:10,042 In the sun, sun, sun 424 00:29:10,127 --> 00:29:12,800 Fun, fun, fun 425 00:29:12,887 --> 00:29:16,960 In the sun, sun, sun 426 00:29:17,010 --> 00:29:21,560 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35651

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