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1
00:00:07,447 --> 00:00:10,883
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
2
00:01:03,727 --> 00:01:07,276
This is an SOS distress callfrom the mining ship Red Dwarf.
3
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:10,484
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
4
00:01:10,567 --> 00:01:12,523
The only survivors were Dave Lister,
5
00:01:12,607 --> 00:01:15,360
who was in suspended animationduring the disaster,
6
00:01:15,447 --> 00:01:18,359
and his pregnant cat,who was safely sealed in the hold.
7
00:01:18,447 --> 00:01:20,563
Revived three million years later,
8
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:24,242
Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat
9
00:01:24,327 --> 00:01:26,921
and Arnold Rimmer, a hologramsimulation of one of the dead crew.
10
00:01:30,087 --> 00:01:32,282
In the three million years we have been away,
11
00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:35,006
it is my fond hope that mankindhas abolished war,
12
00:01:35,087 --> 00:01:38,363
cured all disease and got ridof those little western saloon doors
13
00:01:38,447 --> 00:01:40,403
you get in trendy shops.
14
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:46,437
- 140,000 rehydrateable chickens.
- Check.
15
00:01:46,527 --> 00:01:50,805
- 72 tons of reconstituted patty.
- Check.
16
00:01:50,927 --> 00:01:54,203
4,691 irradiated haggis.
17
00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:56,403
It's Saturday night. I've had enough.
18
00:01:56,487 --> 00:01:59,399
4,691 irradiated haggis.
19
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,842
It's Saturday night. I want to boogie on down.
20
00:02:02,007 --> 00:02:05,522
4,691 irradiated haggis.
21
00:02:05,687 --> 00:02:08,599
We've been doing this for four hours.
Let's have a break.
22
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:11,964
4,691 irradiated haggis.
23
00:02:12,127 --> 00:02:17,281
Will you stop saying
4,981 irradiated haggis, and speak to me?
24
00:02:18,927 --> 00:02:21,521
4,691 irradiated haggis.
25
00:02:21,887 --> 00:02:24,242
Rimmer, I want to go for a drink.
26
00:02:24,447 --> 00:02:26,677
4,691 irradiated haggis.
27
00:02:26,887 --> 00:02:30,277
- I want some fun!
- This is fun, are you mad?
28
00:02:31,487 --> 00:02:34,684
You read something out,
I say "check". Where's the fun?
29
00:02:34,927 --> 00:02:39,205
All right. We'll put you in command
for a few seconds, Cap-i-tain.
30
00:02:39,287 --> 00:02:41,039
What's the plan? Lickety-split.
31
00:02:41,207 --> 00:02:43,641
- Go back to Earth.
- And in the meantime?
32
00:02:43,727 --> 00:02:47,402
I dunno. Just sort of generally
slob around... have a few laughs.
33
00:02:47,727 --> 00:02:51,766
Excellent plan, Lister.
Excellent plan. Brilliant plan.
34
00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:54,800
I was thinking you hadn't thought
about it. Clearly, you have.
35
00:02:54,887 --> 00:02:57,606
I'll stand over here and laugh slobbily, shall I?
36
00:02:57,767 --> 00:03:00,486
I'm going for a drink. Where's me cigarettes?
37
00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:02,958
I only owe you four and three quarters.
38
00:03:03,647 --> 00:03:05,399
You owe me five.
39
00:03:05,487 --> 00:03:08,047
0ne cigarette for each day you obey me.
40
00:03:08,127 --> 00:03:10,038
Five days, five cigarettes.
41
00:03:10,207 --> 00:03:12,402
I'm penalising you one quarter of a cigarette
42
00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:14,523
for saying, "check" in a variety of silly voices,
43
00:03:14,607 --> 00:03:16,598
while doing the homogenised puddings.
44
00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:18,723
Well, I'm taking five.
45
00:03:18,887 --> 00:03:22,562
You do and I'll eject the rest
of the ship's stock into space.
46
00:03:22,727 --> 00:03:26,083
Ha, ha, ha.
So, they're somewhere near an airlock?
47
00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:28,477
Ha, ha, ha. You'll never find them, Lister.
48
00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:31,525
I was always a master
at "Hide and Seek" as a child.
49
00:03:31,607 --> 00:03:35,680
- It's not a gift you lose.
- 0K, quark brain.
50
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:38,042
Even it out. Take out the flaky bits.
51
00:03:39,407 --> 00:03:42,285
0h, I really, really hate you, Rimmer.
52
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:46,645
Have a lovely, lovely time, Lister.
Give my regards to the air.
53
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:59,042
Lights! Holly, why Rimmer as a hologram?
54
00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:02,085
Why did you have to bring
Rimmer's hologram back?
55
00:04:03,007 --> 00:04:05,680
He was the most unpopular man on this ship.
56
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:09,680
He even had to organise
his own surprise birthday parties.
57
00:04:10,887 --> 00:04:13,003
Who should I have brought back, then?
58
00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:15,647
Anyone. Chen... Petersen...
59
00:04:15,727 --> 00:04:18,639
Hermann Göring would have
been more of a laugh than Rimmer.
60
00:04:18,727 --> 00:04:21,525
0K, he was a drug-crazed transvestite,
61
00:04:21,607 --> 00:04:24,565
but at least we could have gone dancing. Water!
62
00:04:24,727 --> 00:04:28,163
I brought Rimmer back because he'sthe best person to keep you sane.
63
00:04:28,247 --> 00:04:29,965
0h, crap.
64
00:04:30,047 --> 00:04:32,038
Not you!
65
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:35,716
Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. See you later.
66
00:04:36,007 --> 00:04:40,239
What about Kristine Kochanski?
You could have brought Kristine back.
67
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:43,165
Your entire life,your shared conversations with her
68
00:04:43,247 --> 00:04:46,080
- totalled 173 words.
- So?
69
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:49,239
In terms of wordage, you hada better relationship with your plant.
70
00:04:49,327 --> 00:04:53,002
- I know, but Rimmer!
- He's the person you knew best.
71
00:04:53,087 --> 00:04:54,998
Over 14 million words in all.
72
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:58,398
Seven million of those
were me telling him to smeg off,
73
00:04:58,487 --> 00:05:02,162
and the rest were him putting me
on report for telling him to smeg off.
74
00:05:02,327 --> 00:05:04,124
Jean-Paul Sartre said
75
00:05:04,207 --> 00:05:07,085
hell was being locked foreverin a room with your friends.
76
00:05:07,247 --> 00:05:09,556
Yeah, well, all his mates were French.
77
00:05:25,607 --> 00:05:27,757
(LISTER HUMS)
78
00:05:31,447 --> 00:05:34,678
Aaaaaaah! Blwoooooo!
79
00:05:36,847 --> 00:05:40,886
(RAP BEAT)
I've been to Titan, I've been to juno.
80
00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:44,084
I can name eight things
that go in jars that you know.
81
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:46,044
Pickles.
82
00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:49,085
- Jam.
- Spaghetti.
83
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,044
Brains.
84
00:05:51,447 --> 00:05:53,438
What, in jars?
85
00:05:53,607 --> 00:05:56,041
Me uncle's brain is in a jar. It's really sad.
86
00:05:56,287 --> 00:05:58,755
- Why's it sad?
- He's not dead yet.
87
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:03,526
Everybody's punished. Finish your drinks.
88
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:06,156
(GARGLE)
89
00:06:06,247 --> 00:06:08,715
(ALL) Argh, yeah, yargh.
90
00:06:11,087 --> 00:06:13,555
Will you please excuse me?
91
00:06:13,647 --> 00:06:16,923
Some of us have more important things
to do than wiggle our posteriors.
92
00:06:17,007 --> 00:06:21,000
Will you move, please? Thank you.
Excuse me, please. Excuse me.
93
00:06:21,087 --> 00:06:25,638
If you want to dance, do it over there.
94
00:06:25,727 --> 00:06:27,445
- 0w!
- Sorry.
95
00:06:34,487 --> 00:06:36,557
That woman is out of your league.
96
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,205
- She's too classy for you.
- Who is?
97
00:06:38,287 --> 00:06:41,120
- Kochanski.
- I've no big thing about Kochanski.
98
00:06:41,207 --> 00:06:44,244
Stick to your usual type.
Women with little wispy beards
99
00:06:44,327 --> 00:06:47,319
who wear three overcoats
and carry little bags of string.
100
00:06:48,047 --> 00:06:50,959
- 0fficer Kochanski?!
- Sh! Shut up!
101
00:06:51,127 --> 00:06:56,201
- Have you eaten a coconut whole?
- You've no chance with her.
102
00:06:56,287 --> 00:07:01,361
- You're just too ugly.
- I've no big thing about Kochanski.
103
00:07:01,447 --> 00:07:03,438
- I have.
- So have I.
104
00:07:07,287 --> 00:07:10,484
- Where's my revision timetable?
- Sir, it's Saturday night.
105
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,478
Nobody works Saturday night.
106
00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:14,558
You don't work ANY night or day!
107
00:07:14,687 --> 00:07:17,076
Skive hard, play hard, that's our motto.
108
00:07:17,327 --> 00:07:19,522
I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday.
109
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:21,677
I don't know anything. Where is my timetable?
110
00:07:21,847 --> 00:07:23,838
Is it the thing with all different colours,
111
00:07:24,087 --> 00:07:26,647
with subjects divided into study and rest periods,
112
00:07:26,727 --> 00:07:30,117
- and self-testing times?
- It took me seven weeks to make it.
113
00:07:30,207 --> 00:07:32,277
Now I've to cram the revision in one night!
114
00:07:32,367 --> 00:07:34,642
The thing with a note on it, in red,
115
00:07:34,727 --> 00:07:38,197
"Vital, valuable, urgent.
Do not touch on pain of death"?
116
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:40,358
- Yes!
- I threw it away.
117
00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:45,881
- Ha-ha, tee-hee. Where is it?
- I pinned it up on the wall.
118
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,356
- Why?
- To dry it out.
119
00:07:48,447 --> 00:07:51,598
- What do you mean, dry it out?
- I spilt a goat vindaloo on it.
120
00:07:51,687 --> 00:07:55,839
It's a bit red, but you can read
most of it if you scrape the lumps off!
121
00:07:55,927 --> 00:07:58,487
You spoilt my... No, I haven't time,
122
00:07:58,567 --> 00:08:00,842
I'm taking learning drugs
and memorising this conversation.
123
00:08:01,007 --> 00:08:03,999
- They're illegal.
- Where's my timetable, Lister?
124
00:08:04,087 --> 00:08:06,362
It's Saturday night.
You don't work Saturday night.
125
00:08:06,447 --> 00:08:08,483
You don't work any night or any day.
126
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:12,480
Skive hard, play hard - my motto.
(C0NTINUES T0 REPEAT)
127
00:08:13,647 --> 00:08:15,603
(GR0UP) Brrrrr... Bleaaaa...
128
00:08:15,687 --> 00:08:19,202
I've been to Titan, I've been to Lobanski
129
00:08:19,287 --> 00:08:22,199
I can name 90 men who've slept with Kochanski.
130
00:08:22,487 --> 00:08:24,603
- Me, me, me!
- The London jet juniors!
131
00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:26,962
- The Service Droids!
- My mother.
132
00:08:27,447 --> 00:08:30,883
0K. Leave it alone. Leave it.
133
00:08:35,607 --> 00:08:37,802
Alone.
134
00:08:43,567 --> 00:08:45,239
Aaaargh!
135
00:08:55,967 --> 00:09:01,121
0h, baby! Hey! Jump back. Come back. Heh!
136
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:03,996
How'm I looking?
137
00:09:04,847 --> 00:09:07,202
I'm looking nice.
138
00:09:08,167 --> 00:09:11,682
My hair is nice, my face is nice, my suit is nice.
139
00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,723
I'm looking really nice.
140
00:09:13,927 --> 00:09:18,955
Aawh! Jump back. 0oh-eah. Hey! Get down.
141
00:09:19,447 --> 00:09:21,517
Wonder how I'm looking now?
142
00:09:24,127 --> 00:09:27,961
Still looking nice. My hair's still nice.
My face is still nice...
143
00:09:28,047 --> 00:09:30,322
My suit. I'm just nice, period.
144
00:09:31,007 --> 00:09:34,443
Aawh! Jump back. Get down. 0ooh, heh!
145
00:09:34,527 --> 00:09:38,679
Good evening, you stupid,
stinking, festering, gimboid of a cat.
146
00:09:40,207 --> 00:09:44,280
Ah, you're going to put
these cigarettes back, aren't you?
147
00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:47,723
Excuse me! This is my all-time lucky find
148
00:09:47,807 --> 00:09:49,798
I ever found in the whole of today.
149
00:09:49,887 --> 00:09:53,766
No. You're going to put
these cigarettes back before he comes.
150
00:09:53,847 --> 00:09:56,964
- These are mine.
- They're not, put them back.
151
00:09:57,047 --> 00:10:00,357
See this hand? It is mine.
See these things? They are mine.
152
00:10:00,447 --> 00:10:03,564
- I'll give you a fish.
- 0ne fish? Ha!
153
00:10:03,647 --> 00:10:05,717
- Two fish.
- For all these shiny things?
154
00:10:05,807 --> 00:10:08,560
I'll show you how to get
all the fish you'll ever need.
155
00:10:08,687 --> 00:10:11,520
- Five fish?
- Mmmm.
156
00:10:11,607 --> 00:10:15,998
- Five fish! I'll be rich.
- You certainly will, yes, come on.
157
00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:20,998
Hey, hey... Five fish?
158
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:23,442
- Six fish.
- 0ooooh!
159
00:10:27,087 --> 00:10:29,043
# 0h, dance, yeah, dance... #
160
00:10:29,127 --> 00:10:32,119
Lister, what on Titan is this din?
161
00:10:32,207 --> 00:10:34,562
- LISTER!
(TAPED MUSIC C0NTINUES)
162
00:10:34,647 --> 00:10:38,481
- What on Titan is this din?
- It's Rasta Billy Skank.
163
00:10:38,567 --> 00:10:42,685
Is this it? It has a health warning on it.
It's bad for you.
164
00:10:42,847 --> 00:10:45,759
- It's a classic.
- "Danger! Health Warning:
165
00:10:45,847 --> 00:10:48,122
"This music can make you irritable, irrational,
166
00:10:48,207 --> 00:10:51,244
"and is linked with disorders
of the nervous system and bowels."
167
00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:55,357
No one takes notice of that stuff.
168
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,915
If you want to dice with death, fine,
169
00:10:58,007 --> 00:11:01,716
but don't poison my sound waves. 0ff.
(MUSIC ST0PS)
170
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:05,318
Why don't you listen to something
really classical, like Mozart,
171
00:11:05,407 --> 00:11:07,477
Mendelssohn or Motorhead?
172
00:11:09,607 --> 00:11:11,723
I think I've gone video blind.
173
00:11:12,527 --> 00:11:14,802
Is that painting yours? It's rubbish.
174
00:11:15,927 --> 00:11:17,918
It's a mirror!
175
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,283
I need some sleep.
176
00:11:26,447 --> 00:11:30,076
Rimmer, do you remember Kristine Kochanski?
177
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:34,399
Navigation 0fficer?
Yes, I remember her. Snooty cow.
178
00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:37,206
She looked down on me, called me "Rimmer".
179
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:40,958
Everybody called you Rimmer.
180
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:43,922
It's the way she said it - "Rimmer".
181
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:47,124
"Rimmer", to rhyme with "scum".
182
00:11:48,087 --> 00:11:50,362
God, she had a chip on her shoulder.
183
00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:53,246
- I want to go on a date with her.
- Tough. She's dead.
184
00:11:53,327 --> 00:11:55,397
- Just one night...
- No.
185
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:57,637
- Turn you off for four hours...
- No. No.
186
00:11:57,727 --> 00:12:00,195
- Spend time with her hologram...
- No.
187
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,482
You're worried I won't turn you back on...
188
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:05,525
I promise if you tell me
where you've hidden the hologram disc...
189
00:12:05,607 --> 00:12:09,361
- No.
- You won't even discuss it.
190
00:12:09,447 --> 00:12:11,836
We are discussing it, Lister.
191
00:12:11,927 --> 00:12:14,600
What's this if not a discussion?
A diesel locomotive?
192
00:12:15,247 --> 00:12:18,205
I promise, I swear I'll turn you back on.
193
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,563
Is that it, the entire proposal?
194
00:12:20,727 --> 00:12:23,685
- Yes.
- Well, Lister...
195
00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,242
Think about it seriously. Don't dismiss it.
196
00:12:26,327 --> 00:12:28,522
All right. I'll think about it.
197
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:33,759
- You'll just say "No".
- Don't interrupt. I'm thinking.
198
00:12:33,847 --> 00:12:37,157
- You'll just say "No".
- Not necessarily. I'm mulling it over.
199
00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:41,361
(CLICKING HIS TEETH)
200
00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:44,400
Nneeee... No.
201
00:12:45,127 --> 00:12:46,879
Don't you trust me?
202
00:12:47,047 --> 00:12:50,642
I'm holding up a black card. Conversation over.
203
00:12:50,807 --> 00:12:54,117
I've always been crazy about her
and done nothing about it.
204
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,437
Lister, you've forgotten the colour code.
205
00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:59,087
White is to continue the discussion.
206
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:02,239
This is a black card situation. Discussion over.
207
00:13:02,327 --> 00:13:04,602
- Listen.
- Black card, black card.
208
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:07,679
- I'm talking about something else.
- White card. Go on.
209
00:13:07,767 --> 00:13:10,839
I want to stop all this black card,
white card, smeg,
210
00:13:10,927 --> 00:13:13,122
- it's driving me crazy.
- Black card.
211
00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:18,725
Four hours, an evening with her hologram!
What's wrong with that?
212
00:13:18,887 --> 00:13:21,606
You don't know when to stop. I'm your superior.
213
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:24,565
Technician was the lowest rank on this ship.
214
00:13:24,647 --> 00:13:27,320
The man who changed the bog rolls
was higher than us.
215
00:13:27,927 --> 00:13:30,725
Well, he's not here now, Lister, and we are.
216
00:13:30,807 --> 00:13:33,685
There's still a pecking order
and I'm pecking you, baby.
217
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:38,196
0K, Rimmer... 0K.
218
00:13:38,287 --> 00:13:41,518
- 0K?
- 0h-kaaay.
219
00:13:42,207 --> 00:13:45,358
- Is that a threat, Lister?
- Yeah.
220
00:13:45,447 --> 00:13:49,406
Actually, "0K" is not a threat,
technically speaking.
221
00:13:49,487 --> 00:13:52,320
It is when you mean it to mean what I mean.
222
00:13:52,407 --> 00:13:56,958
I mean it to mean: 0K, Rimmer.
0hh-kaaay!
223
00:13:57,047 --> 00:14:01,245
0K is never a threat, no matter
how many "A"s you put on the end.
224
00:14:01,887 --> 00:14:04,799
I'm going to pass the exams
and become an officer.
225
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,878
Come on. Wise up, Lister.
226
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:09,527
You'll have to salute me, call me "Sir".
227
00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:12,804
You'll have to give me Kochanski
and me cigarettes.
228
00:14:12,967 --> 00:14:16,164
0n that day, Lister,
Satan will be skating to work.
229
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:31,479
Lister! Rise and shine, El Slotho. Come on!
230
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:33,717
I've been awake for hours. Up, up, up.
231
00:14:33,807 --> 00:14:37,083
Exercise, Lister! Exercise, sonny boy.
232
00:14:39,327 --> 00:14:41,602
Quarter to two?
233
00:14:41,887 --> 00:14:44,321
I didn't set my motivator.
234
00:14:44,407 --> 00:14:47,877
I was supposed to be up at seven.
Why didn't he wake me?
235
00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:49,958
He knows I'm a heavy sleeper.
236
00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:52,561
Have I to remind him to do everything for me?
237
00:14:52,647 --> 00:14:54,683
He is so irresponsible.
238
00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:57,156
Holly, give me a cold shower, please.
239
00:14:57,247 --> 00:14:59,203
Certainly, Arnold.
240
00:15:00,087 --> 00:15:03,238
0oooh! Not that cold! Hotter! Hotter!
241
00:15:03,327 --> 00:15:05,397
Aaaargh! Not that hot!
242
00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:09,596
Forget it. Can you give me a clean uniform?
Can you manage that?
243
00:15:10,047 --> 00:15:12,163
Thank you, Holly. Where's Lister?
244
00:15:12,247 --> 00:15:17,275
Holly, where's my arm?
This isn't my arm. Whose is it?
245
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,723
Sorry, Arnold, your physicaldata disc has become corrupted.
246
00:15:20,807 --> 00:15:23,162
No excuses. Give me my arm back.
247
00:15:23,247 --> 00:15:25,715
I'll refresh the graphics from a back-up.
248
00:15:25,807 --> 00:15:28,321
It's got tattoos. "Candy"?
249
00:15:28,407 --> 00:15:31,479
"Denmark Forever"?
Is this Petersen's arm, Holly?
250
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:34,236
I've got the arm of a Danish moron.
251
00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:37,046
Bear with me for a few minutes, Arnold.
252
00:15:37,127 --> 00:15:40,244
It's not good enough, Holly.
It's traumatic enough being dead.
253
00:15:41,887 --> 00:15:43,798
Whose ears are these?
254
00:15:43,887 --> 00:15:48,085
They're like radar dishes stuck
higgledy-piggledy to my head.
255
00:15:48,167 --> 00:15:50,522
Just look at them, look at them.
256
00:15:50,607 --> 00:15:53,644
Whose were these ears, Holly -
an African elephant?
257
00:15:53,727 --> 00:15:55,877
They're your ears, Arnold.
258
00:15:57,007 --> 00:16:00,124
Must have been the way I slept.
No time for this. Where's Lister?
259
00:16:00,207 --> 00:16:03,040
That information is security protected.
260
00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:06,123
What's he doing?
261
00:16:11,687 --> 00:16:13,484
Mmmm!
262
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:17,204
- Hello, how can I help you?
- Fish.
263
00:16:17,287 --> 00:16:19,482
Today's fish is trout a la créme.
264
00:16:20,207 --> 00:16:22,118
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish.
265
00:16:22,287 --> 00:16:25,438
Today's fish is trout a la créme.Enjoy your meal.
266
00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:28,121
- Fish.
- Today's fish is trout a la créme.
267
00:16:28,207 --> 00:16:30,323
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish.
268
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:33,683
Today's fish is trout a la créme.Enjoy your meal.
269
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:38,124
- Fish.
- Today's fish is trout a la créme...
270
00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:41,199
- Fish.
- Today's fish is trout a la créme.
271
00:16:41,287 --> 00:16:43,847
- Enjoy your meal.
- I will!
272
00:16:45,807 --> 00:16:49,083
- Where's Lister?
- Mine! The fish is mine!
273
00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:52,398
I don't want your fish,
you stupid cat. Where's Lister?
274
00:16:53,247 --> 00:16:57,957
Idiot! Holly, as senior rank,
I order you to tell me where he is.
275
00:16:58,127 --> 00:17:00,846
- I've told you, I can't.
- It's an order.
276
00:17:00,927 --> 00:17:03,885
- You stupid, ugly goit.
- Ugly?
277
00:17:04,047 --> 00:17:07,323
I chose this face out of the billions available,
278
00:17:07,407 --> 00:17:10,797
as it is the face of the mostprolific lover who ever lived.
279
00:17:12,847 --> 00:17:15,077
Really? He must
have operated in the dark a lot.
280
00:17:15,247 --> 00:17:18,398
- You what?
- When are you giving me my arm?
281
00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:21,718
I refuse to walk round all day
with Petersen's arm.
282
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:24,560
You know what he was like.
God knows where this arm has been.
283
00:17:25,647 --> 00:17:28,764
Ah! What's he doing?
284
00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:32,685
Beats me, Arnie.Seems to have a mind of its own.
285
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:38,878
Tell him to stop it.
286
00:17:39,127 --> 00:17:42,642
What is this? A cabaret?
Entertainment while you eat?
287
00:17:43,727 --> 00:17:45,683
No... no... no...
288
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:49,043
Can you place bets? My bet is on this arm.
289
00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:52,280
Ahhh!
290
00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:59,040
Holly, you're handsome and delicious.
Please tell him to stop.
291
00:17:59,207 --> 00:18:01,721
All right. Give me a couple of seconds.
292
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:05,078
Ha! I've outwitted him.
He's given up. Look, he's given up.
293
00:18:06,007 --> 00:18:07,679
0ooooh!
294
00:18:11,727 --> 00:18:15,003
There, done it. Just in time.
295
00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:19,160
Hey! That was good. You should've
finished on a song, to be perfect.
296
00:18:19,727 --> 00:18:21,877
I hate everything.
297
00:18:29,927 --> 00:18:32,521
Where is Lister, the little worm?
298
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:36,917
(BANj0 MUSIC S0UNDTRACK)
299
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:49,476
Lister? Listie... Listie... Wistie, Lister?
300
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:54,846
I know you're here, Lister.
You're always here, Sunday afternoons.
301
00:18:56,527 --> 00:19:00,281
What are you two doing here?
Skutters don't have time off.
302
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:08,164
You really must think I'm stupid.
I'll deal with you two later.
303
00:19:16,167 --> 00:19:18,727
(INAUDIBLE)
304
00:19:34,647 --> 00:19:36,842
You're serious about this, aren't you?
305
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:39,395
- Go away, I'm busy.
- 0ff.
306
00:19:40,207 --> 00:19:44,917
You seriously believe a fungus like you
has the stuff to be an officer?
307
00:19:45,007 --> 00:19:48,636
You've the brains of diarrhoea
and the breeding of a maggot.
308
00:19:50,047 --> 00:19:53,881
What are you writing on?
The inside of a chocolate wrapper!
309
00:19:53,967 --> 00:19:56,720
Where's your loose-leaf file?
310
00:19:56,807 --> 00:20:00,516
Your pencils, your protractor
and your hole reinforcers?
311
00:20:00,607 --> 00:20:03,280
I'm going to pass this exam by knowing things.
312
00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:06,325
- 0K. What's a porous circuit?
- I don't know.
313
00:20:06,407 --> 00:20:08,875
- How do you calculate acceleration?
- I don't know.
314
00:20:09,047 --> 00:20:11,641
This is sad. What's Boyle's Fourth Law?
315
00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:16,642
- Don't eat greasy food?
- These are basic precepts.
316
00:20:16,727 --> 00:20:18,797
How will you pass the engineering exam?
317
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,640
I don't. I expect to pass the chef's exam.
318
00:20:23,487 --> 00:20:26,479
Chef? You want to become a chef?
319
00:20:26,647 --> 00:20:29,161
Not really. I just want to be your superior.
320
00:20:30,527 --> 00:20:35,396
A chef? A white-hatted ponce?
That's not a real officer.
321
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,637
It outranks you, smeg-for-brains.
322
00:20:37,727 --> 00:20:43,085
Lister, what's this? Learning drugs?
They're illegal, matey.
323
00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:48,560
I'm afraid you're in very serious,
grave, deep trouble, Lister.
324
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:52,083
Where did you get them?
I want names, places and dates.
325
00:20:52,247 --> 00:20:54,681
Arnold Rimmer. His locker. This morning.
326
00:20:56,807 --> 00:20:59,116
Why worry? You'll never pass.
327
00:20:59,287 --> 00:21:01,517
You'll never pass, Mister Lister, sir.
328
00:21:01,607 --> 00:21:03,996
Practise, Rimmer, makes perfect.
329
00:21:06,487 --> 00:21:09,240
Question four... underline that.
330
00:21:09,927 --> 00:21:15,320
What does the red spectrum
tell us about quasars?
331
00:21:15,407 --> 00:21:19,719
0hhhhh... I'm gonna die!
332
00:21:19,807 --> 00:21:22,116
I've been "fished" to death.
333
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:26,165
My answer: In answering the question,
334
00:21:26,247 --> 00:21:29,557
"What does the red spectrum
tell us about quasars?"...
335
00:21:29,647 --> 00:21:33,720
Write bigger. "There are various
words that need to be defined.
336
00:21:33,807 --> 00:21:38,403
"What is a spectrum?
What is a red one? Why is it red?
337
00:21:38,487 --> 00:21:42,765
"And why is it so frequently
linked with quasars?"
338
00:21:45,447 --> 00:21:47,597
What the hell is a quasar?
339
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:51,246
Just put a neat cross through it.
We'll do the next one.
340
00:21:51,327 --> 00:21:54,125
(LISTER APPR0ACHING)
...and I think that confidently
341
00:21:54,207 --> 00:21:57,404
and concisely answers the question,
"What does the... quasar".
342
00:21:58,047 --> 00:22:01,437
- Da-dum!
- Lister, did you make that?
343
00:22:01,527 --> 00:22:04,360
Yeah. It's not that good.
It was supposed to be roast beef.
344
00:22:05,807 --> 00:22:08,844
Do you want some, Cat?
It's got real cream and fudge in it.
345
00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:11,839
0h, no, I think I'm going to have to go
and do something secret.
346
00:22:12,007 --> 00:22:16,239
Aaaaah! Look out! Food escape!
347
00:22:17,407 --> 00:22:21,559
- So, Lister, you doing all right?
- Not bad. Not bad at all.
348
00:22:27,887 --> 00:22:32,915
Lister... Lister, all this tension
between us is stupid.
349
00:22:33,007 --> 00:22:37,205
There's no need for it.
You're tense and I'm tense.
350
00:22:37,287 --> 00:22:39,482
There's absolutely no need for it.
351
00:22:39,647 --> 00:22:42,161
- I'm not tense.
- 0f course you're tense...
352
00:22:42,247 --> 00:22:45,762
You rectum-faced pygmy!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
353
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:51,082
There's no need for you
to be slogging your guts out.
354
00:22:51,167 --> 00:22:54,921
- I'm enjoying it.
- Shut up. An exam and doing well.
355
00:22:55,007 --> 00:22:57,282
There's absolutely no need for it.
356
00:22:57,367 --> 00:22:59,278
You can have the cigarettes, Pipeline 22.
357
00:22:59,447 --> 00:23:02,757
- I know.
- Good.
358
00:23:02,847 --> 00:23:06,601
The Cat betrayed me.
I don't mind. I'm delighted.
359
00:23:07,687 --> 00:23:10,804
What I'm saying is, there's no need
for us to be at loggerheads.
360
00:23:10,887 --> 00:23:14,641
- I mean, we're mates, pals.
- When?
361
00:23:14,887 --> 00:23:19,119
0h, come on. Laugh, laugh,
laugh, chuckle, guffaw, giggle.
362
00:23:19,287 --> 00:23:21,721
- That's Rimsy and Listy.
- When?
363
00:23:21,807 --> 00:23:24,605
- Millions of times.
- When?
364
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:28,718
Ah! Ah, how about the time
365
00:23:28,807 --> 00:23:31,640
your safety harness snapped
and you fell into the cargo bay?
366
00:23:31,727 --> 00:23:35,356
- We laughed then, didn't we?
- I cracked me spine in three places.
367
00:23:35,807 --> 00:23:38,685
Yes, it was hilarious. We laughed like drains.
368
00:23:38,847 --> 00:23:41,759
You laughed. I spent six weeks in traction.
369
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:45,880
That's right. You spent the summer
walking like a croquet hoop.
370
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:49,118
I laughed so hard I nearly puked.
371
00:23:49,327 --> 00:23:52,842
- What are you saying to me?
- I'm just saying, Lister,
372
00:23:52,927 --> 00:23:55,805
with times as good as those,
373
00:23:55,887 --> 00:23:59,926
there's no point in letting
something small and silly like this
374
00:24:00,007 --> 00:24:03,556
come between a friendship we've nurtured,
375
00:24:03,647 --> 00:24:06,286
like a small flower, petal by petal,
376
00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:11,361
and watched it blossom
and bloom into something special.
377
00:24:11,447 --> 00:24:13,403
0K. Give me Kochanski.
378
00:24:13,487 --> 00:24:15,682
Smeg off, dishwater breath.
379
00:24:15,767 --> 00:24:17,803
You won't turn me back on.
380
00:24:17,887 --> 00:24:21,243
What, Rimsy-wimsy-mimsy,
me bestest-ever pal?
381
00:24:21,407 --> 00:24:23,637
Lister, I order you not to take those exams.
382
00:24:24,327 --> 00:24:26,841
Black card, Rimmer.
383
00:24:27,527 --> 00:24:29,995
Y0U are black carding ME?
384
00:24:30,167 --> 00:24:32,158
That's only the beginning, Rimmer.
385
00:24:32,247 --> 00:24:35,683
When I pass the exams
and become an officer, you'll be on latrines.
386
00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:38,122
You'll have the three o'clock watch every morning
387
00:24:38,207 --> 00:24:40,801
and I know you'll obey me, because you... you,
388
00:24:40,887 --> 00:24:43,082
respect all that officer smeg.
389
00:24:43,167 --> 00:24:46,125
If you mean I respect my superiors,
no matter who,
390
00:24:46,207 --> 00:24:50,598
and I obey orders blindly
and unquestionably... yes! Yes, I do.
391
00:24:50,847 --> 00:24:54,237
That's exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I've got to get some sleep.
392
00:24:54,327 --> 00:24:56,921
Hard day's revision on the morrow.
393
00:24:59,047 --> 00:25:01,436
You always become the thing you hate the most.
394
00:25:01,527 --> 00:25:06,282
Look at you, Lister... obnoxious,
ruthless, single-minded,
395
00:25:06,367 --> 00:25:09,916
insensitive... you're more like me than I am.
396
00:25:10,087 --> 00:25:12,806
Rimmer, you've forgotten the colour code.
397
00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:16,163
This is a black card situation -
end of conversation.
398
00:25:18,567 --> 00:25:21,240
"You never learn, do you?"
399
00:25:25,127 --> 00:25:28,915
Chef Part One Examination.Please proceed to the Teaching Room.
400
00:25:31,487 --> 00:25:34,638
You're not ready for it.
You should be doing last-second revision.
401
00:25:34,807 --> 00:25:36,923
I am. I'm revising buns.
402
00:25:37,567 --> 00:25:40,764
It's obscene, missing the entire
first minute of the exam.
403
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:45,005
0K, here we go.
404
00:25:45,087 --> 00:25:48,443
No. You can't do this to me, Lister.
405
00:25:48,527 --> 00:25:50,597
- Give me Kochanski.
- No.
406
00:25:51,927 --> 00:25:55,636
That was a lousy thing to do.
Have you no respect for the dead?
407
00:26:01,647 --> 00:26:03,638
(PING)
408
00:26:13,247 --> 00:26:16,762
- Hello, Dave.
- Aaaaaagh!
409
00:26:19,167 --> 00:26:22,842
I'm just doing this,
er... I'm taking, er... This is a surprise.
410
00:26:23,487 --> 00:26:28,720
Why didn't you tell me
how you felt about me when I was alive?
411
00:26:28,887 --> 00:26:32,960
Because I'm a dope and I'm a bum,
and I'm stupid, I'm an idiot
412
00:26:33,047 --> 00:26:35,481
and I'm hopeless and I'm useless.
413
00:26:35,567 --> 00:26:37,558
Sorry, but I just don't like you.
414
00:26:39,647 --> 00:26:42,923
0h-ey, I'm really embarrassed now.
I don't know what to say.
415
00:26:43,007 --> 00:26:45,965
It's sort of pointless you doing the exam now.
416
00:26:46,047 --> 00:26:49,403
It's pointless me breathing in and out
if you want to know the truth.
417
00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:52,843
I could never love anyone like you.
418
00:26:52,927 --> 00:26:57,318
You might as well pack up
your pots and pans and off you go.
419
00:26:57,487 --> 00:27:00,559
I need a man who's going places.
420
00:27:00,647 --> 00:27:03,241
Up, up, up... lickety-split.
421
00:27:06,527 --> 00:27:08,483
So, it didn't mean anything to you, then?
422
00:27:09,927 --> 00:27:13,158
- What didn't?
- You know, when we...
423
00:27:13,647 --> 00:27:16,286
Made love on the snooker table, behind the bins.
424
00:27:17,007 --> 00:27:20,556
- You never told me that!
- I thought you might have noticed.
425
00:27:20,727 --> 00:27:23,366
0h, yes, yes. I remember now.
426
00:27:23,527 --> 00:27:25,836
We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer.
427
00:27:26,007 --> 00:27:28,805
Look, I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment.
428
00:27:28,887 --> 00:27:33,005
- I'm having a woman's period.
- A woman's period?
429
00:27:33,087 --> 00:27:36,079
Women don't speak like that.
Give me a break.
430
00:27:36,167 --> 00:27:39,762
I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer,
but that is not Kochanski.
431
00:27:39,967 --> 00:27:42,322
It's Kochanski's body, it's Kochanski's voice.
432
00:27:42,407 --> 00:27:44,443
What's the difference, come on?
433
00:27:44,607 --> 00:27:47,440
The difference is that you're in there, urgh...
434
00:27:48,087 --> 00:27:50,806
Well, you can't blame me for trying.
435
00:27:50,967 --> 00:27:57,406
- Leave.
- I've seen something you haven't, squire.
436
00:28:00,527 --> 00:28:03,087
0K, Holly, swap discs.
437
00:28:05,767 --> 00:28:08,520
Holly, this is not my breast.
438
00:28:11,647 --> 00:28:13,444
I want my own nipple back.
439
00:28:14,847 --> 00:28:20,604
- Leave, Rimmer.
- There's no rush, Holly.
440
00:28:34,207 --> 00:28:36,880
Holly, are you sure these are my hips?
441
00:28:38,687 --> 00:28:41,565
Lister: 16912146.
442
00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:47,718
How did you do?
443
00:28:50,167 --> 00:28:52,635
How did you do?
444
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:56,724
- How did you do, Lister?
- How did I do, Mister Lister, SIR?
445
00:29:01,647 --> 00:29:05,799
It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
446
00:29:05,887 --> 00:29:09,243
I'm all alone, more or less
447
00:29:09,327 --> 00:29:12,444
Let me fly far away from here
448
00:29:12,527 --> 00:29:15,121
Fun, fun, fun
449
00:29:15,207 --> 00:29:18,916
In the sun, sun, sun
450
00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:22,443
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
451
00:29:22,527 --> 00:29:25,644
Drinking fresh mango juice
452
00:29:25,727 --> 00:29:29,242
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
453
00:29:29,327 --> 00:29:31,966
Fun, fun, fun
454
00:29:32,047 --> 00:29:35,357
In the sun, sun, sun
455
00:29:35,447 --> 00:29:38,644
Fun, fun, fun
456
00:29:38,727 --> 00:29:42,322
In the sun, sun, sun
457
00:29:42,372 --> 00:29:46,922
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