All language subtitles for Outnumbered s01e05 The Mystery Illness.eng

- (Rumbling)
- (Sue shouting) OK, everyone, how we doing?

Ben, have you got your stuff? Karen?

(Rattling)

Oh, bloody hell!

- Has someone been putting forks down here?
- I've got a headache.

Well, a brisk walk to school,
that's the best thing for a headache.

I got a tummy ache.

Oh, that's a shame. Always get a tummy ache
on a Wednesday, don't you?

It's like a...
it's like a mangled...pair of scissors.

I think I've got a few viruses
that makes me too ill to go to school.

- No, you're fine. Karen!
- I'm not fine! I might be sick.

(Karen) I can't find my other shoe!

- I really am quite poorly.
- Karen!

- Where did you last see them?
- (Karen) I lost them!

- I can't find my hairbrush to brush my hair!
- (Sue) Well, where did you last see it?

(Clears throat)

Nasty little cough you've got there, Ben.
Now get your swimming stuff. It's Wednesday.

If there's one thing I can't do,
then it's definitely swimming.

Could you send them a note?

I'm gonna send them a note saying,
''Ben is pretending to be ill.''

What if I really am ill and I die?

Yeah, we'd be very upset,
but we'd learn to live with it.

Now come on, get your swimming stuff.
Off you go.

- You OK, Jake?
- Yeah, not bad.

Good.

Good. Look, this...
this bullying thing at school.

- Is it just the one kid doing it?
- I don't want to talk about it.

- But you have to talk about it.
- Dad, just chill, OK?

- (Phone rings)
- I am chilled, it's just...

- (Karen shouting)
- (Phone ringing)

Hello? Oh, hi, Veronica.

- (Sue) Karen!
- Sue's in the middle of something. Can...

(Karen) It's mine!

Is it?

Sue? It's Veronica.

(Sighs) Can I call her back?

Can she call you back, Veronica?

- No, you can't, apparently.
- (Sighs)

(Running steps)

Oh, hi, Veronica. Yeah. Yeah, I did get it.
It's just a bit hectic here today.

Yeah, well, can...
Did it have to be today? Only...

Veronica's a lady your mummy
works for part time. 16 days a week.

- All right, bye!
- Come on, get your shoes on.

One day they're gonna find
that woman dead in a lay-by

with her BlackBery shoved down her throat.

l just tried to chat to Jake about
the bullying thing, and he told me to chill.

The school seemed to be
reasonably well across it.

How can you tell? I was bullied for ages
and the school did nothing about it.

Yeah, but that was 30 years ago
and bullying was part of the curriculum then.

- They're much hotter about it now.
- (Running steps)

There's very little to be gained
from just wading in.

I'm not wading in. I'm trying to check...

What are you doing?
I've just stacked that.

l know, but if you put the bowls there

and the mugs there and the glasses there,
they clean better.

- Where does it say bowk have to go there?
- It doesn't.

- (Phone)
- It's just a fact. Can somebody get that?

And if it's for me, can you take a message?

- What are you doing?
- I'm putting a bowl there.

- (Sue) Yes, but the glasses go there. Look.
- (Ringing)

- Hello.
- (Raised voices)

Hello, Auntie Angela.

Good. Is your hair really that colour?

Would you like me to print out your letter
of apology... Sorry, statement of regret?

No. No, I'm still drafting it.
The Head can wait another day.

lt doesn't read as very regretful, does it?

''Your respectful servant'',
that...that sounds sarcastic.

Good.

OK, wagons roll.

l don't know, all this fuss over one comment
about one chubby boy.

Yeah, that's what that journalist said.

Journalist? I thought the Head said that
you weren't supposed to speak to anyone.

l didn't talk to him. He asked me
some questions and I refused to comment.

But that's talking to him.
What if he prints it?

He's not going to.
l haven't given him anything to print.

- Which paper was it?
- The local rag.

The one that's totally free
and yet somehow you still feel cheated.

l think I've got bovine TB.

l might give it to the whole school if l...

- (Clattering)
- ..if l, um...go swimming.

Have you put your homework in your book bag?

The homework you did for Mrs Baxter.

Ben, you said you'd done it!

- (Amplified) I know, but I haven't.
- Why do l...

- (Phone)
- Oh, it's so...

You know the really stupid thing about lying,
Ben? It's pointless.

Oh, hi, Veronica.
No, I haven't managed to make a start on it.

The truth comes out always, every time.

- No, it doesn't.
- It does.

What about murderers? They lie.

- Some don't get caught.
- No, they always catch them.

You're always saying the police are useless.

How can they catch murderers
if they're useless?

This isn't about murderers, Ben.
It is about you. You need to understand...

Come on, Dad, we don't have time for this.

What about Batman? Does he lie?

Yeah, but only to protect his secret identity.
It's not the same type of lie.

- Oh, come on!
- (Sue) You see, the thing is...

Karen, come on. Karen.
It's school time now. Out the door.

(Sue) I'm not saying that I can't do it.

You see, what Batman did
wasn't really lying, was it?

- It was just being economical with the truth.
- No, he lied.

- No, I'm not saying I can't do it.
- (Pete) Only to protect his secret identity.

- It's going to be a very heavy day.
- (Pete) It's for his job.

But, crucially,
he didn't lie about his homework.

- You are going to have an equally heavy day...
- Mind your feet.

- No, he doesn't lie.
- Charming!

She hung up on me. I could murder her.

(Ben) Dad says you'll get caught.
(Sue) Everybody happy?

(Ben) I'm going to be sick. Here it comes.
(Sue) No, you're not. And don't force it.

(Pete) You're not gonna be sick.
(Ben) Yes, I am.

(Pete) If you are, be sick in your book bag.

(Phone rings)

- (News on TV3
- Hello?

Oh, hi, Veronica.

- Daddy!
- Hello.

Whoa! Up you come.

Is it true that those people
really took pictures of fairies?

- What people?
- Those people.

Some people did take pictures of fairies, yeah.

But it was about 100 years ago, and then
they all turned out to be faked in the end.

Why? Couldn't they find
any real fairies to photograph?

Well, no...

No, real fairies are very hard to spot,
aren't they?

- Have you ever seen one?
- I have. I saw two.

l saw a real fairy with the tooth fairy
because she was having a new job

and so she...so the other tooth fairy
was bringing her along to see...

- Really?
- ..show her what they do.

That'd be a fairy on work experience.

You're very lucky to see that second fairy,

cos normally they'd just be doing
the photocopying or something.

Who faked those photos?

Well, actually,
it was some...some little girls.

You know what happened?
Everybody got very excited.

- Then they found out that it was a trick.
- (Creak)

Because the truth will out,
Ben, you see? Always.

- How was school?
- The nurse sent me home.

- What?
- I said I was ill.

She rang Mummy,
and Mummy came and picked me up.

So you...so you went to the nurse
and you said you were unwell

and the nurse just sent you home
straightaway just like that?

- Yeah, she's new.
- Right.

Well, if you're so very ill,
you'd better go and have a lie-down.

Yeah, I'm just gonna lie down on my
bed and watch little Britain on the internet.

No, you are not to watch little Britain
on the internet.

- (ftadío) It's 5:27, We have a competítíon,,,
- (Pete) I mean it, Ben!

- Stop telling me the ...ing time.
- (Pete) You're not going on the Internet.

- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm dandy.

- So the nurse sent him home, did she?
- Yeah, quarter past ten, dozy cow.

He's been driving me nuts all day.

Veronica's been driving me nuts,
the computer's been driving me nuts,

and now this is driving me nuts.

Apart from that... How was your day?

Oh, middling.

- How's Jake?
- I don't know. He's not back yet.

- He's a bit late, isn't he?
- Is he? I suppose he is.

Oh, the traffic's horrendous. He's...
he's probably stuck on a bus or something.

Yeah, that'll be it.
l spoke to Frank Morrison today.

- Who's Frank Morrison?
- He's the head of IT. Shall I do that?

ls that a genuine offer
or are you just saying that?

The second one.

Frank Morrison, he's got grown-up kids now

but when they were little, he took them out
of school for a year and they went travelling.

Said it was brilliant, and there was
no problem whatsoever apparently.

- Do you think foxes go to heaven?
- Why do you ask?

Because I saw a dead fox
in the, um...playing ground at school.

lt depends what kind of life they've lived.

l don't suppose the foxes that rip open
our bin bags are going to heaven.

- If the Morrisons...
- The money will run out.

- It wouldn't have to because I could work...
- Do you believe in God?

Well, um...

l don't know.
l often ask myself the same question.

No, no, no. No, no.
l want a... I want a clear answer.

Do you believe in God?

l think people should be able to believe
whatever they want to believe.

l know, I know that.
But I want to know what you believe.

Do you believe in God?

Right, well, um...OK.

l think, probably,

um...you know, when...when I think about it,

that there must be some kind of...

- (Doorbell)
- That'll be Jake. Forgotten his keys again.

- Mummy, do you believe in God?
- Mummy's unblocking the sink, darling.

(Car alarm)

- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Angela.

Dropping these off. Spare keys to Dad's place.

- Come and have a cup of tea.
- Um...well, I can't stop.

- Hi, Auntie Angela.
- Hiya, Ben.

- You OK?
- I've got a bug.

Oh. Well, you look quite healthy.

- Yeah, it's one of the symptoms, apparently.
- Ah.

Have you got any chocolate?

- Er...
- No. It'll be tea time soon.

(Sue) Not at this rate it won't.

Hiya.

lsn't life too short to be doing that?

Oh, make yourself useful, Ange.
Get rid of that, will you?

Do you believe in God, Auntie Angela?

Well, yes, I suppose I do in a way.

l mean, I suppose that I believe that...

God is everywhere in everything.

He's in the sky and in the sea

and in...

- I'm so sorry, that was so rude. Karen!
- No, no, no, she's fine. leave her.

I'd no idea I was so boring.

- How you getting on, then, with your dad?
- Yeah, good, fine.

Getting used to his foibles. He started
sorting through the loft over and over again.

That's a symptom, actually.

l don't think everything he does
can be a symptom.

l think that's probably
not the way to approach it.

- (Door shuts)
- Ah, there he is.

- Hi. How was school?
- All right.

- Any problems?
- No.

- Good. Your Auntie Angela's here.
- Hi, Auntie Angela.

- Hi, darling. How was your day?
- All right.

All right's all right, isn't it?

- Oh, what's for tea?
- I thought I'd send out, to be honest.

- Can we have Chinese?
- You're a bit late back.

- Oh, yeah, traffic was bad.
- I said it would be that.

But, you know, next time you're running a bit
late, just give us a ring on the old moby, eh?

- Yeah, sorry.
- That's all right.

Next time.

I'm a bit tired so I'm gonna,
you know, switch my brain off.

- He seems fine.
- Is he having problems?

No. No, no, just normal boy stuff.

(Karen) Give it! It's mine!
(Ben) No!

- Your turn.
- Why don't I have a crack at the sink?

Your turn. Go now.

- It's mine! Giye it now!
- No.

- Oi, you two.
- She started it.

- I haven't even asked who started it.
- But he called me a rude word.

He called me lezzer, which I don't like.

- He called me a lezzer, which I don't like.
- No, I don't blame you...

And a tosspiece.

- I especially don't like lezzer.
- ..no.

For your information,
lezzer isn't a bad word.

lt is a bad word, it is very unkind,

- and you don't know what it means.
- I do.

- A lezzer is a lady who likes...
- 'Ey!

- I don't want any more going on.
- Yes, but he kicked me.

- Did you kick her?
- But I thought she had knee protectors on.

How can you think that she's wearing knee
protectors? Look, you can see her knees.

And anyway, you don't kick her.

He charged at me with a Frisbee and it hit me.

- Frisbees are not...
- Frisbees are more sharp.

Because they have a sharp end here.

And also they hurt
when you do that, and that one...

- Ben, you sit there. And you on the stairs.
- Ow!

Now, I am going downstairs, and you two are
gonna stay ten feet apart from each other, OK?

Now, do you think you can do that?

Good.

(Karen) He called me a lezzer.
(Ben) She charged me with a fairy wand.

(Karen) No, no, no!
(Ben) She started it!

(Pete) Karen! Ben! Stop!

l mean, he hadn't wanted me
physically for ages,

but you kid yourself,
don't you, that's it's all OK...

(Sniffs) ..and then you find out
you've been lied to

and the scales fall from your eyes

and...and you realise
that every relationship is a lie!

- (Sniffs)
- Yeah.

Sorry, Jake.

(Sniffs) It's just come pouring out.

l suppose I sensed it was over
but it's still a shock, isn't it?

l...l know, yeah.

Yeah. No. Well, but... No.

Veronica, you see, technically...

- No, I can absolutely...
- (Pete) ..ten feet from each other...

..track down the printer for you.

- It's just... Yeah?
- (Ben) How far is ten feet?

- No, it's just that it might...
- (Thump)

lt might not be in...

- Just be friends!
- (Karen) I need to go to the bathroom.

Ten feet apart.

(Angela) The worst part is you feel so stupid.

l mean, you actually feel ashamed.
It's ridiculous, isn't it?

- (Creaks)
- You OK, Angela?

Oh, it was so silly, Pete.

Jake and I were just chatting
and then it all came pouring out of me!

(Sniffs) I mean,
I've been wanting to tell someone about...

Tell them what?

Trent and me...

well

there is no Trent and me.

Oh. Right, I see.

Trent needs more space.

- Right.
- But that's just code for seeing someone else.

(Sobs)

Yes. l...l know, Veronica.

I'm sure that Roger is...is being
a complete git, which...which makes more...

Yes, and I will do what you want me to do.

It's just that if you keep ringing up every
half an hour to see whether I've done it yet,

it's going to be a bit slower.

Do you...do you get what I mean?

Excuse me a minute, Veronica.

- What you after?
- Brandy. Angela's crying.

- Trent's ditched her.
- Told you.

Sue, your sister is crying.

Oh, yeah, right.

Sorry.

l really thought he was the one.

(Sniffing)

Has Grandad died?

No, darling, Grandad's fine.

It's just something not very nice
happened to Auntie Angela

and she's being a bit silly, that's all.

- (Dog barking)
- (Siren wailing)

Oh...!

D'you want to stay and eat with us, Ange?

And, you know, if I'm honest,
we've been struggling for a while.

- (Karen) I don't want to eat that.
- There were a few issues.

- (Ben taps chopsticks)
- And Trent and I are both a bit...bit volatile

so it was like fire meets fire
and that just makes...

- (Ben) I'm playing the drums.
- ..more fire.

l tell you, you two are so lucky.

What d'you mean by that?

Well, you're both so...

solid.

Well, I can be firey. I can be quite firey.

- It's just that I've learnt how to control it.
- (Pete) Ha-ha!

- What?
- Nothing.

- (Ben) Die!
- Got another bottle.

You didn't exactly control it when
you shouted at that traffic warden, did you?

What's a Nazi?

A Nazi is...

a very unpleasant person

- who believes...
- Very unpleasant things.

What things do they believe?

Well, Nazis think that they are
better than other people.

They didn't like anyone who was different.

They didn't like people who were Jewish
and they didn't like people...

So you called that traffic warden a Nazi
for all those things that he believed?

Well, no, he...

I was feeling very angry

and, very wrongly,

very wrongly, I called him...

A Nazi ratbag.

Oh, not this again.

I mean, I was exaggerating a little bit
and I felt cross.

The Nazis were a group of Germans
who chased everybody with machine guns

and they were led

by...Adi Hitler.

Adi Hitler?
Only to his mates, though, I guess...

- Adolf.
- Hermie, and Jojo.

- What's a ratbag?
- It's a bag where you put rats in.

No, it isn't! It's a...it's a rat.

And...and you use its tail
for...for the handle for the bag

and you put things inside it
and that...and that keeps it...

and...and that's a ratbag.

- You mean like a handbag?
- That's very creative, Karen.

- Yeah.
- Might get your mother a Versace ratbag.

Maybe it's an airbag for a rat.

- What, if a rat was driving a car?
- Yeah.

That can be useful for Wind In The Willows.
Can I ask you a question?

- What?
- Are you eating or are you knitting?

- Both.
- OK.

I'd better be making tracks.
l don't want Dad to worry.

He won't be.
He knows you're here. I phoned him.

- Yeah, but I don't like leaving him alone.
- All right, then.

Thank you, guys. You've really cheered me up.

- Bye-bye.
- Nice to see you.

And you, my love.
Oh, good luck with the plumbing.

Oh, that's defeated me. I'm gonna get
a nice Polish man out in the morning.

You know, Trent and me,

l think perhaps it's a blessing.

l mean, if I was still with him
I'd never have come home

and...and this feels so right for me now.

lt feels so...

permanent.

Well, that's good.

Mm. And Trent's loss is our gain.

(Running steps)

Thank you.

- (Shouting)
- Have a good trip home.

- Hey, Jake, come and look at this.
- (Angela) It's sweet of you to give me tea.

- It's Ben.
- (Sue) Good seeing you. Speak to you soon.

- Ben hasn't got red hair.
- Yeah, but his head's on fire.

Oh.

(Siren blaring)

- I know that face.
- Well, admit it.

She's serious about sticking around
and looking after your dad.

- I suppose so.
- She's coping really well.

Which means that the burden is taken off your
shoulders and ako means that we are free.

As soon as we sell the children
to Angelina Jolie.

- Hm.
- You have to learn how to accept good news.

Yeah, suppose so.

Mm?

- Eurgh, yuck.
- Yes?

- Can we help you?
- Yes.

I'm, er...I'm feeling poorly.

ln what way poorly?

I'm beneath the weather.

ln what way beneath the weather?

I've got toothache, backache, headache,

- faceache...
- Excellent.

- Why is it excellent?
- Not...not excellent. Bad.

l might be too ill to go to school tomorrow.

Maybe I need some medicine.

No, my darling, I know what you need.

- What do I need?
- Acting lessons. Up you go.

Karen! Bath! Bath time!

- You OK?
- Fine.

- Fancy a kickabout?
- Mm, d'you mind if we don't right now?

No, that's fine.

- So today was all right, was it?
- Yeah.

- (Mobile beeps)
- Fine.

I've got a new mobile phone
so we need to load the number into yours.

We can do that later, can't we?

We can do it now. Come on, it won't take
a minute. Where's your mobile?

l haven't got it.

- You've lost your mobile phone?
- No, I haven't lost it. I know where it is.

- Well, where is it?
- (Sighs)

Someone's got it.

That boy's stolen your mobile phone off you.

No, it's not stealing, is it?
l know where it is.

The school said they would deal with it.
I'm gonna go in there...

No, Dad, no, please. Dad, don't, please.

Please, Dad, please, Dad. Please don't.

Don't do anything. I can handle it. Please.

lt has to be sorted out, Jake.

- Yeah, I know. It's just...
- Just what?

Every time you try to sort things out,

nearly every time, you make it worse.

I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

(Sue) Here we go, then.

You're my lunch.

''You're my lunch!'' roared the hungry alligator.

''I'll eat half of you now
and I'll save the rest till later.''

No, no, no! No, no!
You don't read it like that.

Read it how Daddy reads it,

like...like, like, like...

like in different voices like...

I've only just started.
Wait and see what I give you.

- But that's not...
- Ah... !

- ..how the alligator speaks.
- Yes, but it is...

What Daddy does is he does,
''You're my lunch!'' and he does different...

- What, like...he's a Welsh alligator?
- No, he does...

(Welsh accent) ''You're my lunch!''
roared the hungy alligator.

- No, because he doesn't do that.
- Well...

- He does it in a different sort of voice.
- OK, then, I will. Just give me a chance.

Cos I haven't got very far in yet, have I?

Let's just see if I can rise to Daddy's...

lofty heights.

But...but Daddy does it in like a really...

Well, perhaps we should get Daddy.

Daddy's busy, cos Daddy's
downstairs watching the television

so I am reading the story

and if you would like me to read Pery
The Puffin, then this is how it's going to be.

(High-pitched) ''You're my lunch!''

- roared the hungy alligator.
- No, no, no.

''I'll eat half of you now
and save the rest till later.''

- ''Well, you can't eat me,'' said Charlie the...
- Daddy does them like...

- (Phone rings)
- No, not me. You can't eat me.

(High-pitched) No, not me. You can't eat me.

Does he? Does he? Good old Daddy.

- ''Oh, bother!'' said the hungry alligator.
- Mum!

Veronica's on the phone.

- (Sue) Can you tell her I'll call her back?
- She says she's gonna call you back.

- (Man) We have our competítíon,,,
- Pillock.

- (Man 2) Díd you know,,,
- Pillock.

- (Man 3) People come ínto thís country,,,
- Git.

- (Woman) Now I'm really excíted,,,
- Vanessa Felct.

- (Switches channels)
- OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. What age do your children
start thinking of you as incompetent?

Oh, I don't know. Three? Two?

Better go and ring the witch.

Prat.

- (Woman) ..raín ínterspersed...
- You know nothing about the weather.

- (Ben) I feel sick!
- I've given you a bowl!

(Clears throat)

Oh, hi, Veronica. It's Sue.

Yeah, look. Um...I've managed to track down
a supplier for this printer,

and...er, I can put in an order tomorrow

and I can get a 12% discount
on anything over ten

and a 17% discount on anything over 50.

So how many d'you reckon
we're going to need?

One.

Right, so this...this isn't
for all the offices?

This is for you at home?

- (Man) ,,have utastrophíc consequences,,,
- No one cares. No one cares.

- You know you talked to a reporter yesterday.
- Mm-hm.

Did he ask you why the school
wanted you to apologise?

Yeah, but I didn't give him an answer.
l just said...l don't know.

l just told him he'd be better off asking
the school. Something noncommittal like that.

''l don't know why I should apologise,''
says race-row teacher.

Yeah, the thing is I presumed that
the printer was part of the office refit

rather than for your own personal use

and so that sort of begs the question

whether me chasing after it all day
was in fact the best use of my time.

Anti-lslamic jibe? I made a joke at the expense
of a fat kid who happened to be Turkish.

Your Head told you not to talk
to the papers, didn't he?

''Under no absolutely no circumstances
whatsoever,'' is what he actually said.

- That's just a huge cock-up, then, isn't it?
- Oh, it is the mother of all cock-ups.

The journalist has just twisted
everything I said.

They are known for that, aren't they?

Well, still, it is only the local rag.
Your Headmaster might not even see it.

He is gonna go absolutely...

Well, that went as well as could be expected.

- Eh?
- I've just put down a marker for Veronica.

l told her that she wasn't respecting
the fact that I was part time

and I said that all her phone calls
and emails at all the hours God sends

were interfering with my family life,

and she said that wasn't her problem and
l said, ''Well, it is now'' and then I resigned.

- That was the marker you put down.
- Yeah.

- Your resignation?
- Yeah. It's great, isn't it?

Only I didn't use the word resignation,
l used lots of shoker words.

- Shouldn't you be doing your homework?
- No, I want to watch this.

l think we should
have a drink to celebrate.

We don't need the money
that she's giving me, do we?

We can cope financially
as long as you're pulling in a wage.

D'you know what? I've been thinking.

And I think we should do
that world trip idea of yours.

l mean, I've got to stop
seeing bear traps everywhere.

We could rent this house out while we're away
and you could teach while we're on the road.

l mean, it's easy.

You just need to get
a reference from the school.

Ya-hey! I'm free!

- Er...Mum?
- (Phone rings)

l bet that will be Veronica...

begging me to reconsider.

l bet it isn't.

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