Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,713 --> 00:00:05,171
dreary music
2
00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:08,463
[narrator] The year was 2016,
3
00:00:08,547 --> 00:00:10,922
or as historians know it now,
4
00:00:11,005 --> 00:00:14,713
the Age of Shadows.
5
00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:18,588
America was led by a Kenyan
socialist bisexual named
6
00:00:18,672 --> 00:00:21,296
"Something Hussein Something."
7
00:00:23,130 --> 00:00:27,213
Not one Supreme Court Justice
had a friend named "Squi."
8
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:32,130
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
9
00:00:32,213 --> 00:00:35,089
had yet to be replaced
by a statue of Kid Rock.
10
00:00:35,171 --> 00:00:37,588
♪ rock guitar riff plays ♪
11
00:00:37,672 --> 00:00:39,380
But then, though the shadows,
12
00:00:39,463 --> 00:00:41,296
pierced a light.
13
00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:43,505
[amplified voice]
America is a shithole,
14
00:00:43,588 --> 00:00:46,505
but all of our problems
will be solved
15
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:50,296
if you believe me
when I say, "Problem solved!"
16
00:00:50,380 --> 00:00:53,171
[cheering]
-[narrator] And they did.
17
00:00:53,255 --> 00:00:56,839
Within seconds,
the nation was perfect.
18
00:00:56,922 --> 00:01:00,171
But only one thing could
destroy that --
19
00:01:00,255 --> 00:01:03,047
Democrats feeling like voting.
20
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:08,255
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
21
00:01:18,296 --> 00:01:21,380
♪ ominous music playing ♪
22
00:01:21,463 --> 00:01:23,213
Let's just hook up
in your bedroom.
23
00:01:23,296 --> 00:01:25,130
I told you.
It echoes in here,
24
00:01:25,213 --> 00:01:27,255
and I've always wanted
to hear myself get laid.
25
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:28,797
What is this place?
26
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,380
They used to call it
the State Department.
27
00:01:31,463 --> 00:01:33,672
Legend has it
that Old Lady Clinton
28
00:01:33,755 --> 00:01:35,880
went totally nutso
in these halls.
29
00:01:35,964 --> 00:01:39,672
Sometimes you can hear her
deleting her e-mails!
30
00:01:39,755 --> 00:01:41,839
Stop it!
You're scaring me!
31
00:01:41,922 --> 00:01:45,005
Don't worry.
It's just me and you.
32
00:01:45,089 --> 00:01:46,213
-Busted!
-Eric!
33
00:01:46,296 --> 00:01:48,463
I told you to egg
Robert Mueller's house
34
00:01:48,547 --> 00:01:50,547
with bricks.
-And I told you that it's weird
35
00:01:50,630 --> 00:01:52,463
to kiss someone older
than your stepmom.
36
00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:54,672
[Rachel Maddow]
We begin tonight with
37
00:01:54,755 --> 00:01:57,171
the midterm elections.
-What the heck was that?
38
00:01:57,255 --> 00:02:00,089
-Old Lady Clinton!
-Sack up, Eric.
39
00:02:00,171 --> 00:02:05,130
♪ spooky music playing ♪
40
00:02:05,213 --> 00:02:07,755
[Rachel Maddow
speaking indistinctly]
41
00:02:07,839 --> 00:02:10,171
But first, the generic
Congressional ballot
42
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,922
has been a strong predictor
of the midterm elections.
43
00:02:14,005 --> 00:02:16,171
♪ suspenseful chords playing ♪
44
00:02:16,255 --> 00:02:19,463
She said a generic Democrat
45
00:02:19,547 --> 00:02:22,421
beats a generic Republican
by seven points!
46
00:02:22,505 --> 00:02:24,797
If Dad loses Congress,
he'll get impeached,
47
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:29,089
and we'll have to beg
Trump Wine for our jobs back!
48
00:02:29,171 --> 00:02:32,255
Boys, there's something
you need to see.
49
00:02:32,338 --> 00:02:34,463
If polls like the one
Rachel Maddow
50
00:02:34,547 --> 00:02:37,547
mentioned are accurate, we could
all be tossed out of our jobs
51
00:02:37,630 --> 00:02:40,296
and into eight-figure consulting
gigs by Valentine's Day.
52
00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:42,672
-Shit, we have to tell Dad!
-I'm freaking out!
53
00:02:42,755 --> 00:02:45,421
-We're not gonna tell your dad.
-But what if he can stop it?
54
00:02:45,505 --> 00:02:47,255
He defies conventional polling
55
00:02:47,338 --> 00:02:49,964
and mankind's will
to sustain itself.
56
00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:53,463
If anyone can turn around
this election, it's him.
57
00:02:53,547 --> 00:02:55,005
♪ Trumpety-Trump-Trump ♪
58
00:02:55,089 --> 00:02:56,338
♪ It's Trumpety-Trump ♪
59
00:02:56,421 --> 00:02:58,547
-[groans]
-Dad, good news!
60
00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:00,296
We're gonna win the midterms!
61
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,421
That's what I came
to tell you, dumbass!
62
00:03:02,505 --> 00:03:05,380
Your party's in deep shit, and
I'm too dead to bail you out.
63
00:03:05,463 --> 00:03:07,922
Don't worry, Dad.
America loves me.
64
00:03:08,005 --> 00:03:10,755
The only person who loves you
is me and I hate you! [groans]
65
00:03:10,839 --> 00:03:12,089
Love you, too, Dad!
66
00:03:12,171 --> 00:03:13,463
Time for work!
67
00:03:13,547 --> 00:03:16,171
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
68
00:03:16,255 --> 00:03:18,089
♪ It's "Fox & Friends"! ♪
69
00:03:18,171 --> 00:03:19,964
The sun's out,
the ocean's boiling,
70
00:03:20,047 --> 00:03:22,338
and the soup of the day
is polar bear bisque!
71
00:03:22,421 --> 00:03:25,296
Speaking of God's plan,
the red wave is coming.
72
00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:27,380
That's according to
the Fox News shows
73
00:03:27,463 --> 00:03:29,296
before and after
this Fox News show!
74
00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:31,463
-That's three sources, folks.
[door bangs opens]
75
00:03:31,547 --> 00:03:34,380
-Dad!
-Don't tell him, Don!
76
00:03:34,463 --> 00:03:36,505
Sure, 90% of Republicans
love you,
77
00:03:36,588 --> 00:03:39,672
but only 20% of voters
admit they're Republican.
78
00:03:39,755 --> 00:03:43,713
Hmm, I alone can fix this.
Someone get me a red Sharpie!
79
00:03:43,797 --> 00:03:46,922
Every modern president has lost
seats in the midterm election.
80
00:03:47,005 --> 00:03:49,213
Except for George W. Bush
after 9/11.
81
00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,089
Interesting.
Could you send in
82
00:03:51,171 --> 00:03:53,171
Stephen Miller
for an unrelated project?
83
00:03:53,255 --> 00:03:55,171
Don't even think about it.
84
00:03:55,255 --> 00:03:56,755
Right, someone could
be listening.
85
00:03:56,839 --> 00:03:58,713
If I'm reading a book
to schoolchildren,
86
00:03:58,797 --> 00:04:00,213
-I'll know it's a go.
-Sir...
87
00:04:00,296 --> 00:04:02,755
Relax, the polls
looked bad in 2016
88
00:04:02,839 --> 00:04:04,964
and I only lost by a little bit,
but still won.
89
00:04:05,047 --> 00:04:06,213
We'll be fine.
90
00:04:06,296 --> 00:04:10,047
♪ heroic music playing ♪
91
00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:12,171
I'm Wolf...Blitzer.
92
00:04:12,255 --> 00:04:16,630
I'm about to turn on the news
hose, so get ready to get wet.
93
00:04:16,713 --> 00:04:19,213
According to a new report,
hackers connected
94
00:04:19,296 --> 00:04:21,547
to the Russian government
have penetrated
95
00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:24,672
voter registration systems
across the country.
96
00:04:24,755 --> 00:04:26,755
Whoo! Go, Russia, go!
97
00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:30,005
That has prompted state
and local governments
98
00:04:30,089 --> 00:04:33,421
to accelerate efforts to
secure election integrity.
99
00:04:33,505 --> 00:04:35,089
-Boo!
-Dad, don't worry.
100
00:04:35,171 --> 00:04:36,672
I got a killer
election strategy.
101
00:04:36,755 --> 00:04:38,463
Hold on.
Last time this one
102
00:04:38,547 --> 00:04:40,964
came to the family with
a "killer election strategy,"
103
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:43,296
I ended up in a high-risk,
zero reward meeting
104
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:45,171
with some Russians,
and now every week,
105
00:04:45,255 --> 00:04:47,255
I have a laugh-free lunch
with Robert Mueller.
106
00:04:47,338 --> 00:04:49,296
And you didn't invite me?!
107
00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:52,005
I told you I wanted to expand
my social circle!
108
00:04:52,089 --> 00:04:53,672
Don, I'm sure
your strategy is great,
109
00:04:53,755 --> 00:04:55,880
but great for you
is what most people
110
00:04:55,964 --> 00:04:58,296
consider the biggest failure
of their lives.
111
00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:02,755
♪♪
112
00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:04,964
Hello?
113
00:05:05,047 --> 00:05:05,964
Hello?
114
00:05:06,047 --> 00:05:07,880
[light clanks]
115
00:05:07,964 --> 00:05:12,380
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,
face of the new left.
116
00:05:12,463 --> 00:05:15,547
You support Medicare for all,
student loan forgiveness,
117
00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:18,421
and replacing prison cell doors
with beaded curtains.
118
00:05:18,505 --> 00:05:20,463
It's time to drop
the blue collar act
119
00:05:20,547 --> 00:05:21,755
and fall in line,
120
00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:24,380
or none of your bills
get to the floor.
121
00:05:24,463 --> 00:05:26,505
No.
122
00:05:26,588 --> 00:05:29,296
You remind me of another
crazy lefty
123
00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:31,839
who walked through
those doors in 2004.
124
00:05:31,922 --> 00:05:34,171
But Barack did
what we told him,
125
00:05:34,255 --> 00:05:37,421
and was bestowed this nation's
greatest honor --
126
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,380
a deal with Netflix.
127
00:05:39,463 --> 00:05:42,588
He appeared on "Comedians
Driving Cars To Get Coffees."
128
00:05:42,672 --> 00:05:45,630
You're just scared of
losing your grip on the party.
129
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,922
-We're not scared.
-Oh, yeah?
130
00:05:48,005 --> 00:05:50,630
No corporate donations.
-Schumer and Pelosi: Aah!
131
00:05:50,713 --> 00:05:52,839
♪♪
132
00:05:52,922 --> 00:05:54,964
Stop worrying about
this election so much.
133
00:05:55,047 --> 00:05:56,839
I don't like you
when you're worried.
134
00:05:56,922 --> 00:05:58,213
I like you when you're
135
00:05:58,296 --> 00:06:00,797
a blank-faced son of
a billionaire president.
136
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,964
It's not about the win,
Kimfoyle.
137
00:06:03,047 --> 00:06:06,047
It's about redeeming myself
for what I did.
138
00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:08,797
♪♪
139
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,338
[alarm beeping]
140
00:06:10,421 --> 00:06:13,089
It's Russia Collusion Day!
141
00:06:13,171 --> 00:06:15,588
Good morning, little fella!
[pigeon chirps]
142
00:06:15,672 --> 00:06:17,713
How do you say
"Russia Collusion" in bird?
143
00:06:17,797 --> 00:06:20,547
[chirping]
-I know that! I'm not stupid!
144
00:06:22,047 --> 00:06:25,630
Don, your wife Vanessa
wants a separation!
145
00:06:25,713 --> 00:06:28,047
That's okay!
Today is Russia Collusion Day.
146
00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:30,380
I'm meeting with one of
Vladimir Putin's lady-lawyers.
147
00:06:30,463 --> 00:06:32,338
She has dirt on Hillary Clinton.
148
00:06:32,421 --> 00:06:33,547
-Wow!
-Thanks for doing
149
00:06:33,630 --> 00:06:35,421
what we specifically
talked about!
150
00:06:35,505 --> 00:06:37,839
[elevator bell dings]
-♪ It's Russia Collusion Day! ♪
151
00:06:37,922 --> 00:06:39,880
[humming]
152
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,755
You realize I'm Maggie Haberman
from the "New York Times"?
153
00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:45,130
[music stops]
-Ohh, shit!
154
00:06:45,213 --> 00:06:47,338
So you let
the Russia meeting leak
155
00:06:47,421 --> 00:06:49,130
and you came away
with nothing?
156
00:06:49,213 --> 00:06:52,213
I wouldn't call learning about
Russian adoption policy nothing.
157
00:06:52,296 --> 00:06:54,005
You're such a loser.
158
00:06:54,089 --> 00:06:57,005
If you hadn't inherited my warm
and inviting sense of humor
159
00:06:57,089 --> 00:06:59,630
and ridiculously hot upper body,
you'd be hopeless.
160
00:06:59,713 --> 00:07:01,505
[echoing] Hopeless...
Hopeless...
161
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,922
Kimberly, I have to win
my Dad's love --
162
00:07:04,005 --> 00:07:06,588
I mean, the election.
163
00:07:06,672 --> 00:07:08,880
It's not just Ocasio-Cortez.
164
00:07:08,964 --> 00:07:11,130
Something's happening
out there, Nancy.
165
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:12,713
You mean in Georgetown?
166
00:07:12,797 --> 00:07:14,755
No, outside of Washington.
167
00:07:14,839 --> 00:07:16,463
Relax!
168
00:07:16,547 --> 00:07:19,839
Let's just make a few dozen
sweaty, pleading donor calls,
169
00:07:19,922 --> 00:07:23,171
and slurp mussels so loud
that car alarms go off.
170
00:07:23,255 --> 00:07:24,547
I'm just starting to think
171
00:07:24,630 --> 00:07:26,755
that the heart of
the American working class
172
00:07:26,839 --> 00:07:30,089
is not screaming at their
nannies on the Upper West Side.
173
00:07:30,171 --> 00:07:32,672
We got a speech
in Brooklyn coming up.
174
00:07:32,755 --> 00:07:35,005
I heard plumbers live there!
175
00:07:35,089 --> 00:07:37,505
♪♪
176
00:07:37,588 --> 00:07:39,421
Panic has set in
at the White House
177
00:07:39,505 --> 00:07:41,338
according to
58 anonymous sources,
178
00:07:41,421 --> 00:07:43,672
and another 67 named sources.
179
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,213
The President holds
a rally today
180
00:07:45,296 --> 00:07:47,296
in hopes of reanimating
his base of people
181
00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:50,005
already disinvited from
the next three Thanksgivings.
182
00:07:50,089 --> 00:07:52,797
Let me tell you something
about Kathie Lee...
183
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,171
If our followers are
as motivated as in 2016,
184
00:07:56,255 --> 00:07:58,089
they will pick this goat
to the bone.
185
00:07:58,171 --> 00:08:00,130
Give the crane operator
the signal!
186
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,463
[whirring]
187
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:04,005
[goat bleats]
188
00:08:04,089 --> 00:08:05,713
Now to agitate them.
189
00:08:05,797 --> 00:08:08,005
Women are blocking male judges
190
00:08:08,089 --> 00:08:10,922
just for being incompetent,
violent, alcoholics!
191
00:08:11,005 --> 00:08:12,964
-[man] Well, that's wrong.
-[man] Screw that.
192
00:08:13,047 --> 00:08:14,922
-All right, pull it up.
[whirring]
193
00:08:15,005 --> 00:08:17,171
They're motivated!
Viva la Red Wave!
194
00:08:17,255 --> 00:08:19,005
Wrong!
195
00:08:19,089 --> 00:08:21,713
In 2016, they would've been
fighting over that goat's anus.
196
00:08:21,797 --> 00:08:24,547
We're in a different world now.
197
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:28,338
The Democratic Party is about
knowing what should be done,
198
00:08:28,421 --> 00:08:31,755
then woefully shaking your head
when you read your push alerts.
199
00:08:31,839 --> 00:08:34,130
Let's all join forces
200
00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:36,630
with a big woeful
headshake together.
201
00:08:36,713 --> 00:08:38,880
-Mnh-mnh.
-[man] Ugh.
202
00:08:38,964 --> 00:08:42,005
-You're bumming us out, lady.
-How about a cheer?
203
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,880
-Status quo!
[scattered groans]
204
00:08:43,964 --> 00:08:47,463
Status quo! Status quo!
205
00:08:47,547 --> 00:08:49,630
Status quo! Sta--
206
00:08:49,713 --> 00:08:52,964
We've lost touch
with our voters.
207
00:08:53,047 --> 00:08:54,922
I can't name one person
208
00:08:55,005 --> 00:08:58,338
who's not a U.S. Senator
or Michael Bloomberg.
209
00:08:58,421 --> 00:09:02,171
We will spend every moment
between now and election day
210
00:09:02,255 --> 00:09:04,797
connecting to real Americans,
211
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,547
no matter how much E. coli's
on their hands.
212
00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:11,547
[scattered cheering]
-[man] Hey.
213
00:09:11,630 --> 00:09:15,005
♪♪
214
00:09:15,089 --> 00:09:16,463
Can't sleep, huh?
215
00:09:16,547 --> 00:09:19,047
I was just thinking about how,
if you're not president,
216
00:09:19,130 --> 00:09:20,713
we'll never have
a space force.
217
00:09:20,797 --> 00:09:22,755
ISIS will turn
the whole sky Muslim.
218
00:09:22,839 --> 00:09:25,089
Don, I need to win
the election,
219
00:09:25,171 --> 00:09:27,255
but I've forgotten how.
The last one was...
220
00:09:27,338 --> 00:09:29,213
what, 20 years ago?
221
00:09:29,296 --> 00:09:30,463
It was two years ago,
222
00:09:30,547 --> 00:09:32,463
but the world was
a lot different.
223
00:09:32,547 --> 00:09:34,922
Since then, you've made
the country too perfect.
224
00:09:35,005 --> 00:09:37,713
If you want to win, you need
to create a problem
225
00:09:37,797 --> 00:09:40,130
that only you can solve.
226
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:43,839
You might have great looks
and handwritten books
227
00:09:43,922 --> 00:09:46,672
But there's a strategy
that you've overlooked
228
00:09:46,755 --> 00:09:49,630
If you wanna win
the midterms
229
00:09:49,713 --> 00:09:52,213
Make 'em fear
230
00:09:52,296 --> 00:09:53,505
231
00:09:53,588 --> 00:09:56,296
Fear
232
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:59,839
Ohh, fear, Dad
233
00:09:59,922 --> 00:10:01,630
Fear the Muslims, trans
234
00:10:01,713 --> 00:10:06,338
And Green Peace
volunteers
235
00:10:06,421 --> 00:10:09,296
Ohh, fear
236
00:10:09,380 --> 00:10:13,296
Tense white fear
237
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,797
It makes
farmers in Wisconsin
238
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:20,171
Worry about MS-13
239
00:10:20,255 --> 00:10:23,421
So villainize the Bureau
240
00:10:23,505 --> 00:10:26,797
And make yourself the hero!
241
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,922
The only man
who can save suburbia
242
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:33,463
From Mujahideen
243
00:10:33,547 --> 00:10:36,839
It might seem like
a lofty task
244
00:10:36,922 --> 00:10:39,964
Blaming climate change
on impoverished Blacks
245
00:10:40,047 --> 00:10:43,380
But with the right amount
of racial screaming
246
00:10:43,463 --> 00:10:46,922
You could make California
write in Mussolini
247
00:10:47,005 --> 00:10:50,296
Fear
248
00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:53,171
Oh, fear
249
00:10:53,255 --> 00:10:55,255
Oh, fear
250
00:10:55,338 --> 00:10:59,005
Fear
251
00:11:04,047 --> 00:11:07,171
Oh, you gotta make 'em fear
252
00:11:07,255 --> 00:11:08,839
Oh, yeah
253
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:15,463
MSNBC's Joy Reid
254
00:11:15,547 --> 00:11:19,547
[all] Reid
255
00:11:19,630 --> 00:11:23,089
Let's terrify this country
into loving me!
256
00:11:23,171 --> 00:11:26,255
rock music playing
257
00:11:26,338 --> 00:11:28,296
If we want to win this election,
258
00:11:28,380 --> 00:11:31,171
we gotta scare the absolute
bejesus out of everyone.
259
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:34,213
I've gathered my best guys,
and all of them are guys.
260
00:11:34,296 --> 00:11:36,505
First up, the man
who loves brown shirts
261
00:11:36,588 --> 00:11:38,463
and hates brown people --
Stephen Miller.
262
00:11:38,547 --> 00:11:40,213
Immigrants are flooding
our borders,
263
00:11:40,296 --> 00:11:42,005
increasing the competition
for women
264
00:11:42,089 --> 00:11:45,421
attracted to men who are 33
but look 63.
265
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:46,880
Not me, I'm fine.
266
00:11:46,964 --> 00:11:48,421
Then there's Jeff Sessions.
267
00:11:48,505 --> 00:11:52,547
He puts the "KKK" in
"Jeff Sessions is in the KKK."
268
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:55,171
Democrats want to disarm police,
269
00:11:55,255 --> 00:11:58,630
which is fine as long
as their tasers shoot bullets.
270
00:11:58,713 --> 00:12:00,255
Finally, the Baltimore Bomber,
271
00:12:00,338 --> 00:12:01,672
John Bolton.
272
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,880
I once saw him shopping
for a fumigation tent
273
00:12:03,964 --> 00:12:05,421
the size of the Middle East.
274
00:12:05,505 --> 00:12:08,672
Boo! We all know Muslims
can breathe under water,
275
00:12:08,755 --> 00:12:10,380
but did you know they can fly?
276
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,588
They're gonna peak
in our bathroom windows
277
00:12:12,672 --> 00:12:14,338
while we're doing our business!
278
00:12:14,421 --> 00:12:16,755
To gauge how these measures
are affecting Americans,
279
00:12:16,839 --> 00:12:19,296
we're monitoring the fear levels
of an average couple
280
00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:20,505
watching Fox News.
281
00:12:20,588 --> 00:12:23,047
Usually, I'm the one
monitoring the brain
282
00:12:23,130 --> 00:12:25,713
and it's of a soon-to-be
former homosexual.
283
00:12:25,797 --> 00:12:28,296
Can we help, Dad?
I just sang that freakin' song.
284
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:29,713
You two shake the hornet's nest
285
00:12:29,797 --> 00:12:31,588
with the shakiest shaker
of all --
286
00:12:31,672 --> 00:12:33,755
-Hillary Clinton.
-Why's he keep saying "shake"?
287
00:12:33,839 --> 00:12:35,547
Just find her,
put her on camera,
288
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,171
and tell her to say "2020."
289
00:12:37,255 --> 00:12:40,089
That's like bath salts
for non-college educated voters.
290
00:12:40,171 --> 00:12:42,171
Remember, Don,
don't do anything reckless.
291
00:12:42,255 --> 00:12:43,964
-Eric, you're in charge.
-Sick!
292
00:12:44,047 --> 00:12:47,005
-Don, I put you in charge!
-Sick!
293
00:12:47,089 --> 00:12:49,505
Okay, first things first.
Eric, you're off the team.
294
00:12:49,588 --> 00:12:51,463
I thought helping
win this election
295
00:12:51,547 --> 00:12:53,922
was finally gonna be my thing.
-You have a thing.
296
00:12:54,005 --> 00:12:56,255
You're the Trump
who doesn't have a thing.
297
00:12:56,338 --> 00:12:58,338
But it doesn't feel special.
298
00:12:58,421 --> 00:13:00,421
Okay, I'll put you
back on the team,
299
00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:02,047
but you gotta take
some risks,
300
00:13:02,130 --> 00:13:03,922
like when you spent
most of your trust fund
301
00:13:04,005 --> 00:13:05,713
on our "Jackass"
audition tape.
302
00:13:05,797 --> 00:13:07,338
cowpunk song playing
303
00:13:07,421 --> 00:13:09,547
[tires squeal]
304
00:13:09,630 --> 00:13:14,047
Wow, an honest-to-God Democratic
rally in West Virginia.
305
00:13:14,130 --> 00:13:16,213
Now this is the America
we need to steep in
306
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,047
like a pour-over
café au lait.
307
00:13:18,171 --> 00:13:19,463
Keep the car running.
308
00:13:19,547 --> 00:13:21,547
I'm gonna try to
communicate with them.
309
00:13:21,630 --> 00:13:23,380
[cheering]
-[slowly] Hello.
310
00:13:23,463 --> 00:13:26,171
Me Pelosi. Him Chuck.
311
00:13:26,255 --> 00:13:27,505
song continues
312
00:13:27,588 --> 00:13:30,296
Chuck, give them
a Tic Tac or something.
313
00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:31,922
Open palm.
314
00:13:32,005 --> 00:13:35,047
Nancy! Chuck! Jesus Christ,
don't let them see you!
315
00:13:35,130 --> 00:13:37,380
Again, we're just here
to observe.
316
00:13:37,463 --> 00:13:39,922
Here's what you need to know
about blue collar voters.
317
00:13:40,005 --> 00:13:42,380
They're struggling
and they want someone
318
00:13:42,463 --> 00:13:46,421
who genuinely understands
what they're going through.
319
00:13:46,505 --> 00:13:48,089
Oh, sorry.
320
00:13:48,171 --> 00:13:50,130
I was just thinking about
whether Del Posto
321
00:13:50,213 --> 00:13:53,463
had introduced
their fall menu yet.
322
00:13:53,547 --> 00:13:56,005
You know what? You two,
come on stage with me.
323
00:13:56,089 --> 00:13:57,797
Fair warning --
I may say a few things
324
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,089
just to triangulate a bit.
-[Pelosi] Of course.
325
00:14:00,171 --> 00:14:01,713
Oh, absolutely.
No, do your thing.
326
00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,130
I hate these two!
327
00:14:03,213 --> 00:14:04,880
The other day,
I had to explain
328
00:14:04,964 --> 00:14:07,171
to these out-of-touch
city slickers
329
00:14:07,255 --> 00:14:10,964
that West Virginia was a state,
not a drag queen.
330
00:14:11,047 --> 00:14:12,505
[tires peal, engine revs]
-Faster!
331
00:14:12,588 --> 00:14:14,296
The opioids give them
super strength!
332
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:17,171
Keep it above 70 until
you see a Del Posto.
333
00:14:17,255 --> 00:14:18,296
♪♪
334
00:14:18,380 --> 00:14:20,130
Here we go again.
335
00:14:20,213 --> 00:14:23,089
Trump is scaring the country
into voting Republican.
336
00:14:23,171 --> 00:14:24,380
I can't talk right now.
337
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:27,047
I just know any second,
the #MeToo Police
338
00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:28,755
are gonna barge through
this door
339
00:14:28,839 --> 00:14:30,630
and try to take away
ol' Slick Willie.
340
00:14:30,713 --> 00:14:31,964
Wait, where are you going?
341
00:14:32,047 --> 00:14:33,880
I think you mean,
"Where are you going,
342
00:14:33,964 --> 00:14:35,839
-Madame President?"
-Uh-oh.
343
00:14:35,922 --> 00:14:38,421
If you're gonna go, you better
chain me to a radiator.
344
00:14:38,505 --> 00:14:40,047
I will do something bad.
345
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,588
eerie music playing
346
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:44,296
If there are any clues to
Hillary Clinton's whereabouts,
347
00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:45,880
they're here.
-[woman laughs]
348
00:14:45,964 --> 00:14:48,380
Forget this.
Let's just go ask for
349
00:14:48,463 --> 00:14:51,089
a six-figure
Trump Wine internship.
350
00:14:51,171 --> 00:14:53,005
Eric! You said
you wanted a thing,
351
00:14:53,089 --> 00:14:54,630
but you're never
gonna find it
352
00:14:54,713 --> 00:14:56,380
if you're afraid
to leave the dock
353
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,672
and venture
into uncharted waters.
354
00:14:58,755 --> 00:15:02,630
Maybe I like it on the dock.
It smells like kelp!
355
00:15:02,713 --> 00:15:04,089
Eric! Leave the dock!
356
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,255
All right...jerk-wad.
357
00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:08,463
[Don Jr.] I'm not a jerk-wad.
You're a jerk-wad.
358
00:15:08,547 --> 00:15:10,630
♪♪
359
00:15:10,713 --> 00:15:12,213
[creaking loudly]
360
00:15:12,296 --> 00:15:13,880
It was a door!
361
00:15:13,964 --> 00:15:16,839
I stopped being afraid
of those years ago!
362
00:15:16,922 --> 00:15:20,089
Well, butt-chug me sideways.
363
00:15:20,171 --> 00:15:24,380
triumphant music playing
364
00:15:24,463 --> 00:15:27,713
[woman laughs]
365
00:15:30,171 --> 00:15:31,755
country rock music playing
366
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:35,296
Wow, Chuck, we're in
a real Ohio bar!
367
00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:38,089
Do you think the jukebox
takes personal checks?
368
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:40,130
We should probably
order wine,
369
00:15:40,213 --> 00:15:42,089
or, as these people
call it, beer.
370
00:15:42,171 --> 00:15:44,964
Two glasses of your finest
white beer, please.
371
00:15:45,047 --> 00:15:47,130
-[man] No.
-Excuse me, average American.
372
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,922
What issue is
most important to you --
373
00:15:49,005 --> 00:15:50,672
building a high-speed rail
374
00:15:50,755 --> 00:15:52,839
between Washington
and Westchester?
375
00:15:52,922 --> 00:15:54,713
[tires peal, engine revs]
-Faster!
376
00:15:54,797 --> 00:15:57,672
What was that shit about
the history of Jews in Toronto?!
377
00:15:57,755 --> 00:16:00,089
Me? You changed the jukebox
from Travis Tritt
378
00:16:00,171 --> 00:16:02,672
to "All Things Considered"!
379
00:16:02,755 --> 00:16:05,839
Say, Chuck, have you ever
heard of pandering?
380
00:16:05,922 --> 00:16:08,588
[chuckles]
Heard of it? Yes.
381
00:16:08,672 --> 00:16:09,672
♪♪
382
00:16:09,755 --> 00:16:11,213
Sir, a status update --
383
00:16:11,296 --> 00:16:13,338
the fear squad has
demonized every race
384
00:16:13,421 --> 00:16:15,171
that doesn't use most
of its phone battery
385
00:16:15,255 --> 00:16:16,755
on the Golf Channel
mobile app.
386
00:16:16,839 --> 00:16:20,630
Anti-immigration sentiment is so
high, Melania has been deported.
387
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,338
Wow. She must be terrified.
388
00:16:22,421 --> 00:16:24,713
I'll kill myself
before I go back.
389
00:16:24,797 --> 00:16:27,255
But unfortunately, the generic
congressional ballot
390
00:16:27,338 --> 00:16:29,797
has Republicans stalled at 48%.
391
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,505
The Pences are
too scared to sleep,
392
00:16:31,588 --> 00:16:34,255
but not scared enough to wear
three pairs of underpants
393
00:16:34,338 --> 00:16:36,005
to avoid
being raptured naked.
394
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,338
[thunderclap]
395
00:16:39,421 --> 00:16:41,922
Ah. Ah.
396
00:16:42,005 --> 00:16:43,130
Oh, God.
397
00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:44,755
[thunderclap]
398
00:16:44,839 --> 00:16:47,547
President Donald J. Trump
has been impeached
399
00:16:47,630 --> 00:16:49,463
after Robert Mueller released
400
00:16:49,547 --> 00:16:52,839
his devastating report,
before marrying Melania
401
00:16:52,922 --> 00:16:55,296
in the highest-rated
and most full frontal
402
00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:57,338
nudity-filled wedding
of all time.
403
00:16:57,421 --> 00:16:59,463
[monitor beeps]
-Putin, I'm on my way!
404
00:16:59,547 --> 00:17:02,588
Oh, sorry, we're having Russia
renovated this weekend. Bye!
405
00:17:02,672 --> 00:17:05,047
[thunder rumbles]
406
00:17:05,130 --> 00:17:06,964
There's a Dad on the wing
of this plane!
407
00:17:07,047 --> 00:17:09,047
I'm a tax-dodging racist,
408
00:17:09,130 --> 00:17:12,797
and yet you still managed
to ruin my reputation!
409
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,755
[thud]
-Loser!
410
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:16,588
-Aah!
[thunder rumbles]
411
00:17:16,672 --> 00:17:18,755
♪♪
412
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:20,213
Sir, why are you
down here?
413
00:17:20,296 --> 00:17:22,421
Did you think you saw one
of your children again?
414
00:17:22,505 --> 00:17:23,630
I'm just scared.
415
00:17:23,713 --> 00:17:25,588
What if the election
doesn't go our way?
416
00:17:25,672 --> 00:17:27,171
You know,
when I was younger,
417
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,255
my father used
this sewing machine
418
00:17:29,338 --> 00:17:32,296
to hem together white sheets,
and it was so loud and scary,
419
00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:34,338
I'd go hide under
the kitchen table.
420
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,421
Would you stay under there
all night?
421
00:17:36,505 --> 00:17:39,630
Well actually, my mother would
lure me out with a cake.
422
00:17:39,713 --> 00:17:41,755
Food really soothes you
when you don't get
423
00:17:41,839 --> 00:17:43,547
exactly what you want,
doesn't it?
424
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:44,964
Yes.
425
00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:47,047
Dad, I'm gonna need you
to come outside.
426
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:48,713
-No.
-But Eric is hurt!
427
00:17:48,797 --> 00:17:50,713
Oh, man, I gotta see this!
428
00:17:50,797 --> 00:17:53,171
There's nothing
out here, Don!
429
00:17:53,255 --> 00:17:56,255
It's just grass,
trees, and...
430
00:17:56,338 --> 00:17:58,213
Oh, my God.
431
00:17:58,296 --> 00:17:59,672
432
00:17:59,755 --> 00:18:02,047
[laughs]
433
00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:03,505
Old Lady Clinton built it
434
00:18:03,588 --> 00:18:06,255
to literally break the glass
ceiling of the Javits Center
435
00:18:06,338 --> 00:18:08,713
during her victory speech,
but she never won.
436
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,588
How'd you do this?
437
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:14,130
We stole it.
438
00:18:14,213 --> 00:18:16,713
Time for some good,
old-fashioned campaigning.
439
00:18:16,797 --> 00:18:18,797
[Cooper] A massive
Hillary Clinton robot
440
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,255
of unknown origin
continues to grip the country
441
00:18:21,338 --> 00:18:24,338
with millions across the Eastern
seaboard fleeing their homes.
442
00:18:24,421 --> 00:18:28,296
Support for Republicans
is surging past 50%
443
00:18:28,380 --> 00:18:31,630
as undecided voters increasingly
say their key issue
444
00:18:31,713 --> 00:18:33,296
is not being crushed to death.
445
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:34,839
[crowd shouting indistinctly]
446
00:18:34,922 --> 00:18:37,630
I don't know who's behind
this Hillary robot attack,
447
00:18:37,713 --> 00:18:39,296
but if you vote Republican,
448
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:43,421
we will lock her up
in women's robot prison!
449
00:18:43,505 --> 00:18:45,171
Whoa, I like that!
450
00:18:45,255 --> 00:18:47,213
Lower the crane!
451
00:18:47,296 --> 00:18:49,255
Americans
are friggin' terrified!
452
00:18:49,338 --> 00:18:52,130
There are race riots, sir.
Race riots!
453
00:18:52,213 --> 00:18:55,296
My dad would be so proud.
454
00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:58,213
I can't see!
Is the anus still there?
455
00:18:58,296 --> 00:19:01,713
Don't worry, Dad.
I ate the anus.
456
00:19:01,797 --> 00:19:06,672
fanfare playing
457
00:19:08,338 --> 00:19:10,880
[crowd cheering]
-[Pelosi] Hello, Iowa Democrats
458
00:19:10,964 --> 00:19:15,296
and people seeking refuge
from Hillary Robot Clinton.
459
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:19,089
Soon, we will welcome
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
460
00:19:19,171 --> 00:19:21,005
to the stage.
[cheering]
461
00:19:21,089 --> 00:19:23,130
[Schumer] But first...
462
00:19:23,213 --> 00:19:24,255
[both strum chord]
463
00:19:24,338 --> 00:19:26,213
Sometimes when
I'm in Washington
464
00:19:26,296 --> 00:19:29,089
surrounded by Beltway elites,
I think,
465
00:19:29,171 --> 00:19:31,672
"I'd rather be driving
my F-150,
466
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:35,130
eating corn off
those hard corn cylinders."
467
00:19:35,213 --> 00:19:38,338
And pickin' on
the ol' bigger violin.
468
00:19:38,421 --> 00:19:40,005
[Schumer and Pelosi]
Driver
469
00:19:40,089 --> 00:19:42,463
Take me to the farm
470
00:19:42,547 --> 00:19:45,922
Take me to the farm,
take me to the farm
471
00:19:46,005 --> 00:19:48,089
Don't wanna
472
00:19:48,171 --> 00:19:53,130
Go to Del Posto no more
473
00:19:53,213 --> 00:19:55,713
I wanna drink a warm beer
Sleep on a bus
474
00:19:55,797 --> 00:19:58,421
Get bit by a dog
And piss in a cup
475
00:19:58,505 --> 00:20:03,421
[both] So, driver,
turn this motorcade around
476
00:20:03,505 --> 00:20:06,338
Wall Street fat cats
have had it too good.
477
00:20:06,421 --> 00:20:09,171
Chuck, what do you say
we tax them?
478
00:20:09,255 --> 00:20:11,880
And you know what we should
put that money toward?
479
00:20:11,964 --> 00:20:13,672
Universal health care.
480
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,839
[crowd cheering]
-I like the sound of that.
481
00:20:15,922 --> 00:20:18,713
Yas, War on Christmas.
Let's do this, honey.
482
00:20:18,797 --> 00:20:21,171
I wanna steal from my job
Fistfight my dad
483
00:20:21,255 --> 00:20:23,505
Experience sweat
Throw up in the mall
484
00:20:23,588 --> 00:20:26,421
[both] So, driver,
turn this motorcade
485
00:20:26,505 --> 00:20:28,713
Around
486
00:20:28,797 --> 00:20:31,089
[cheering]
487
00:20:31,171 --> 00:20:35,922
Who knew, Chuck? All we had
to do was something.
488
00:20:36,005 --> 00:20:38,089
Yeesh.
They think this is going
489
00:20:38,171 --> 00:20:41,964
to get Democrats to
Pokémon Go to the polls?
490
00:20:42,047 --> 00:20:43,463
I'm proud of you, Eric.
491
00:20:43,547 --> 00:20:44,839
You sacked up, and now
492
00:20:44,922 --> 00:20:47,380
Republicans are gonna win
the midterms.
493
00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:50,338
Thanks, but I still haven't
really found my thing.
494
00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:52,255
Not everything is about you!
495
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:55,171
Hey, Kimberly, want to go over
to the Department of State
496
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,630
for some romantic bone-dogging?
497
00:20:57,713 --> 00:20:59,463
[engine clicking, stalling]
498
00:20:59,547 --> 00:21:03,964
What the hell is wrong
with this thing?!
499
00:21:04,047 --> 00:21:05,672
500
00:21:05,755 --> 00:21:08,630
[thudding footsteps approach]
[dogs barking]
501
00:21:13,089 --> 00:21:17,630
I'm all for kicking it to max,
but someone might see us, Don.
502
00:21:17,713 --> 00:21:19,338
Don't forget what's at stake...
503
00:21:19,421 --> 00:21:21,421
[Kimberly and Don Jr.]
Serious blue balls.
504
00:21:21,505 --> 00:21:23,588
Now shut up and keep watch
while we're inside.
505
00:21:23,672 --> 00:21:27,755
-[whistling]
[rustling]
506
00:21:27,839 --> 00:21:32,338
Don, is that you?
You sound just like a bush.
507
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:33,505
508
00:21:33,588 --> 00:21:36,463
That was a real hootenanny,
Chuck!
509
00:21:36,547 --> 00:21:39,421
Let's celebrate. Driver,
take us to Iowa's finest
510
00:21:39,505 --> 00:21:43,171
Brazilian-Chinese
fusion restaurant.
511
00:21:43,255 --> 00:21:44,505
Driver? You listening?
512
00:21:44,588 --> 00:21:46,338
I want to say...Randy?
513
00:21:46,421 --> 00:21:48,047
ominous music playing
514
00:21:48,130 --> 00:21:52,005
Chuck, I think
we're being kidnapped.
515
00:21:52,089 --> 00:21:54,338
[Don Jr.] Where the hell
is Hillary-Bot, Eric?
516
00:21:54,421 --> 00:21:55,630
And why do you have a medal?
517
00:21:55,713 --> 00:21:57,463
I was keeping watch,
then this lady
518
00:21:57,547 --> 00:21:59,672
named Hillary Rodham
Clin-something
519
00:21:59,755 --> 00:22:01,797
came up to me and said,
"Hey, I'm the judge
520
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,296
for the National
Whistling Association.
521
00:22:04,380 --> 00:22:05,797
Do you wish to compete?"
522
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,421
All right, okay. I get that.
523
00:22:07,505 --> 00:22:10,213
When I got to the championships,
no one was there,
524
00:22:10,296 --> 00:22:12,130
so she said I was
the winner.
525
00:22:12,213 --> 00:22:14,630
Okay. Congratulations.
526
00:22:14,713 --> 00:22:17,588
That's awesome,
but now we're screwed.
527
00:22:17,672 --> 00:22:20,005
You said you wanted me
to leave the dock!
528
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,964
You don't leave the dock
when your bro
529
00:22:22,047 --> 00:22:24,380
is doinking
in the lighthouse, Eric!
530
00:22:24,463 --> 00:22:27,005
Can we at least hear your
world championship whistling?
531
00:22:27,089 --> 00:22:29,713
[whistling]
532
00:22:29,797 --> 00:22:30,880
Eric!
533
00:22:30,964 --> 00:22:33,338
That's really friggin' good!
534
00:22:33,421 --> 00:22:34,713
jazzy piano music playing
535
00:22:34,797 --> 00:22:36,755
Chuck, Nancy, thanks for coming.
536
00:22:36,839 --> 00:22:39,338
[Schumer] Michael Bloomberg,
CEO of Bloomberg L.P.!
537
00:22:39,421 --> 00:22:41,296
What a delight to see you.
538
00:22:41,380 --> 00:22:43,421
Do you like
our folksy hats?
539
00:22:43,505 --> 00:22:44,713
They're very cute.
540
00:22:44,797 --> 00:22:47,463
So the heads of the most
powerful banks and I
541
00:22:47,547 --> 00:22:49,463
talked over your new
policy proposal,
542
00:22:49,547 --> 00:22:51,130
and, while very creative,
543
00:22:51,213 --> 00:22:53,797
we decided after one second
that we didn't like it.
544
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,089
Consider it gone.
545
00:22:55,171 --> 00:22:56,463
Sweet swag bag.
546
00:22:56,547 --> 00:22:58,922
I got a toothbrush.
-I got soap!
547
00:22:59,005 --> 00:23:02,130
Nancy, do you think the millions
of energized Democrats will be
548
00:23:02,213 --> 00:23:04,380
a tad thrown that we sold
them out to Wall Street
549
00:23:04,463 --> 00:23:05,880
pretty much instantaneously?
550
00:23:05,964 --> 00:23:09,255
Politics isn't about
making people's lives better.
551
00:23:09,338 --> 00:23:11,630
It's about the friends
we meet along the way
552
00:23:11,713 --> 00:23:14,588
to making their lives
the same or often worse.
553
00:23:14,672 --> 00:23:15,880
♪♪
554
00:23:15,964 --> 00:23:18,296
How am I supposed
to stop Hillary-Bot
555
00:23:18,380 --> 00:23:20,463
if there's
no Hillary-Bot to stop?
556
00:23:20,547 --> 00:23:23,171
I think we're losing sight
of the big picture here.
557
00:23:23,255 --> 00:23:25,713
I'm the National
Whistling Champion!
558
00:23:25,797 --> 00:23:27,672
Eric, we already
threw you a party.
559
00:23:27,755 --> 00:23:30,130
What else do you want?
-Don't worry, Dad.
560
00:23:30,213 --> 00:23:32,755
Stephen Miller's filling
the void left by Hillary-Bot.
561
00:23:32,839 --> 00:23:34,505
[Miller] The brown people
are coming!
562
00:23:34,588 --> 00:23:36,089
The brown people are coming!
563
00:23:36,171 --> 00:23:38,005
You can't even hear him
from the ground.
564
00:23:38,089 --> 00:23:39,672
I think he's just
doing it for him.
565
00:23:39,755 --> 00:23:41,171
Don, find Hillary-Bot.
566
00:23:41,255 --> 00:23:43,630
My presidency and approval
of you depends on it.
567
00:23:46,047 --> 00:23:48,839
We're about to tell you
something, but before we do,
568
00:23:48,922 --> 00:23:51,797
we want you to remember
how great we all felt
569
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,296
while Nancy and I were
singing that song.
570
00:23:54,380 --> 00:23:57,797
And, heck, if you think
only about the song
571
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:01,463
and don't listen to what we
tell you next, that's fine, too!
572
00:24:01,547 --> 00:24:04,630
Okay, so you guys all know
Michael Bloomberg.
573
00:24:04,713 --> 00:24:06,338
[tires peal, engine revs]
Go! Drive!
574
00:24:06,421 --> 00:24:08,880
Don't stop!
-Chuck, where's my nose?!
575
00:24:08,964 --> 00:24:11,296
Oh! There it is, thank God.
576
00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:13,296
♪♪
577
00:24:13,380 --> 00:24:16,380
Hillary-Bot! Hillary-Bot!
578
00:24:16,463 --> 00:24:19,171
It's no use, Eric.
We need Russia's help.
579
00:24:19,255 --> 00:24:20,797
What is it
with you and Russia?
580
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,588
They like me for me, Eric.
581
00:24:22,672 --> 00:24:25,713
I doubt they even know I'm
related to Donald Trump Senior.
582
00:24:25,797 --> 00:24:28,171
I'll just setup a harmless
meeting at Trump Tower.
583
00:24:28,255 --> 00:24:30,338
All right, but I'm
coming with you.
584
00:24:30,421 --> 00:24:31,964
Ugh, fine,
but word of warning --
585
00:24:32,047 --> 00:24:35,171
you're gonna learn so much
about Russian adoption.
586
00:24:35,255 --> 00:24:37,130
-Sick!
-Now remember, Bill,
587
00:24:37,213 --> 00:24:40,880
you're just here to vouch
for our blue collar bona fides
588
00:24:40,964 --> 00:24:43,089
and unify the party
ahead of election day.
589
00:24:43,171 --> 00:24:45,380
Stay on message,
and if Rachel asks,
590
00:24:45,463 --> 00:24:48,255
insist the radiator is a watch.
-Hey, come on.
591
00:24:48,338 --> 00:24:51,797
If one thing is not a ticking
time bomb, it's Bill Clinton.
592
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:55,338
-Chuck, did we think this thro--
-A stack of printer paper.
593
00:24:55,421 --> 00:24:57,171
Blank, sure.
594
00:24:57,255 --> 00:25:00,130
But what if someone printed
Trump's tax returns
595
00:25:00,213 --> 00:25:02,047
onto them?
596
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:04,380
More on that later, but first,
here to comment
597
00:25:04,463 --> 00:25:06,588
on the Democrats'
demoralizing past few days
598
00:25:06,672 --> 00:25:08,713
are Leaders Pelosi and Schumer,
along with
599
00:25:08,797 --> 00:25:10,880
President Bill Clinton.
-Great to be here --
600
00:25:10,964 --> 00:25:12,505
I wanna talk about this
Me Too movement.
601
00:25:12,588 --> 00:25:14,630
-[Pelosi] Bill!
-[woman] Breaking news --
602
00:25:14,713 --> 00:25:16,505
The President's lawyer,
a coked-up talking groundhog,
603
00:25:16,588 --> 00:25:18,089
just accidentally revealed
604
00:25:18,171 --> 00:25:20,380
another Donald Trump Jr./Russia
meeting.
605
00:25:20,463 --> 00:25:23,797
Back in June, when Don Jr.
met with the Russians,
606
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,755
he was doing what
any campaign would do.
607
00:25:25,839 --> 00:25:28,255
Same goes for the meeting
this morning -- Whoops!
608
00:25:28,338 --> 00:25:31,213
Brain must've run over a nail.
You can hear the air escaping.
609
00:25:31,296 --> 00:25:34,213
[Giuliani] I keep telling myself
not to say that, and I say it!
610
00:25:34,296 --> 00:25:36,338
But it's true.
It's why Trump met with...
611
00:25:36,421 --> 00:25:37,964
So you met
with the Russians again,
612
00:25:38,047 --> 00:25:39,713
and again you came away
with nothing!
613
00:25:39,797 --> 00:25:41,964
Okay, can I just say
I am now an expert
614
00:25:42,047 --> 00:25:43,797
on Russian adoption policy?
615
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,213
Don, that was the biggest
loser move of your life,
616
00:25:46,296 --> 00:25:48,130
and I'm including
the time you let Eric
617
00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:50,089
give the best man speech
at your wedding.
618
00:25:50,171 --> 00:25:52,380
I didn't know
he was gonna rap!
619
00:25:53,755 --> 00:25:56,713
[siren wailing]
-[President Trump] What now?
620
00:25:56,797 --> 00:25:58,547
Hillary Bot worked too well
621
00:25:58,630 --> 00:26:00,755
and the country has
descended into chaos.
622
00:26:00,839 --> 00:26:02,880
We're talking riots,
economic collapse,
623
00:26:02,964 --> 00:26:04,713
a near breakdown of society.
624
00:26:04,797 --> 00:26:07,255
-Boo-yah!
-The stock market's going nuts.
625
00:26:07,338 --> 00:26:08,964
I'll be fine,
so I don't give a shit.
626
00:26:09,047 --> 00:26:10,713
Betty?
-Kids are seeking safety
627
00:26:10,797 --> 00:26:12,380
within their schools.
628
00:26:12,463 --> 00:26:14,463
I mean, the whole world
is upside down!
629
00:26:14,547 --> 00:26:16,296
Hey, Ben, any update on housing?
630
00:26:16,380 --> 00:26:18,130
I counted all the houses,
631
00:26:18,213 --> 00:26:20,213
wrote the number down
on a piece of paper,
632
00:26:20,296 --> 00:26:21,839
and now I'm just trying
to remember
633
00:26:21,922 --> 00:26:23,505
where I left
that piece of paper.
634
00:26:23,588 --> 00:26:25,047
Was there more to the job?
635
00:26:25,130 --> 00:26:27,713
It's so bad that only
the most mentally unwell
636
00:26:27,797 --> 00:26:29,255
are reveling in the mayhem.
637
00:26:29,338 --> 00:26:31,505
Ted Cruz!
638
00:26:31,588 --> 00:26:33,964
Socialist Beto O'Rourke
wants looters
639
00:26:34,047 --> 00:26:36,296
to distribute
stolen goods equally,
640
00:26:36,380 --> 00:26:39,130
but I believe that if
you looted it, you earned it!
641
00:26:39,213 --> 00:26:42,672
I shudder to even tell you
what happened to the Pences.
642
00:26:42,755 --> 00:26:45,171
[Karen] That cloud looks
like Aladdin!
643
00:26:45,255 --> 00:26:47,005
[shotgun firing]
-Pace yourself, Karen!
644
00:26:47,089 --> 00:26:49,130
We only have
five million bullets!
645
00:26:49,213 --> 00:26:51,755
♪ Muzak playing ♪
646
00:26:51,839 --> 00:26:53,964
Wow! Can you
believe it, Nancy?
647
00:26:54,047 --> 00:26:57,463
We're sitting with the star
of Netflix, Barack Obama.
648
00:26:57,547 --> 00:26:59,880
And not out of desperation.
649
00:26:59,964 --> 00:27:02,171
If anything,
we're doing him a favor.
650
00:27:02,255 --> 00:27:04,630
Don't you two have
an election on Tuesday?
651
00:27:04,713 --> 00:27:08,130
I want to talk about
Barack Obama's new hit show,
652
00:27:08,213 --> 00:27:11,713
"Congresspeople in Towncars
Going to Del Posto."
653
00:27:11,797 --> 00:27:13,421
-Interesting.
-I told you he'd hate it.
654
00:27:13,505 --> 00:27:14,713
Next idea -- by day,
655
00:27:14,797 --> 00:27:17,130
he's the senior Senator
from New York,
656
00:27:17,213 --> 00:27:19,089
but by night,
he's a debonair,
657
00:27:19,171 --> 00:27:22,547
super spy playboy with
donors all across the globe.
658
00:27:22,630 --> 00:27:25,213
Here's the rub -- this old,
out of touch windbag
659
00:27:25,296 --> 00:27:27,255
named Nancy
is holding him back.
660
00:27:27,338 --> 00:27:30,421
Ohh. You wanna hear my pitch?
661
00:27:30,505 --> 00:27:33,672
It's called "Chuck Sucks
Starring Chuck Schumer"!
662
00:27:33,755 --> 00:27:35,839
It's about a cyst on my ass.
663
00:27:35,922 --> 00:27:37,421
-Screw you!
-Push up your glasses,
664
00:27:37,505 --> 00:27:40,922
goddamn it!
-Aw, screw it. I've earned this.
665
00:27:41,005 --> 00:27:42,839
Don't worry, Don.
666
00:27:42,922 --> 00:27:45,130
Dad never had the approval
of his father
667
00:27:45,213 --> 00:27:46,880
and he turned out all right.
668
00:27:46,964 --> 00:27:50,296
You know what's the worst part
of all this? It's your fault.
669
00:27:50,380 --> 00:27:54,130
Someone's a little jealous
that I finally found my thing.
670
00:27:54,213 --> 00:27:56,463
I'm the Liam Hemsworth
of whistling.
671
00:27:56,547 --> 00:27:58,005
So what if I am!
672
00:27:58,089 --> 00:27:59,922
It was hard enough
to live in Dad's shadow,
673
00:28:00,005 --> 00:28:02,089
and it's even harder
to live in yours.
674
00:28:02,171 --> 00:28:04,672
Maybe we should see
other brothers.
675
00:28:04,755 --> 00:28:07,839
Fine! Just don't ask for
tickets when your new bro
676
00:28:07,922 --> 00:28:10,630
wants to attend my sold out
whistling concert!
677
00:28:10,713 --> 00:28:13,421
[sobbing]
-Let him go, Eric.
678
00:28:13,505 --> 00:28:14,964
We're better off without him.
679
00:28:15,047 --> 00:28:17,755
Goodbye, family.
680
00:28:17,839 --> 00:28:22,713
dramatic music playing
681
00:28:25,588 --> 00:28:27,296
[fabric rips]
Shit! Fuck!
682
00:28:27,380 --> 00:28:30,089
bossa nova music playing
-We discussed it internally,
683
00:28:30,171 --> 00:28:31,922
and if you do decide to retire,
684
00:28:32,005 --> 00:28:34,505
we would offer you a position
as managing director.
685
00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:36,089
Wow, you won't regret this.
686
00:28:36,171 --> 00:28:38,213
Running the Democratic Party
is just like being
687
00:28:38,296 --> 00:28:40,005
a managing director
for Bloomberg L.P.
688
00:28:40,089 --> 00:28:42,005
Why get short-term results
689
00:28:42,089 --> 00:28:44,380
when you can have
long-term good intentions?
690
00:28:44,463 --> 00:28:47,672
Anyways, I need
239 days off per year.
691
00:28:47,755 --> 00:28:50,047
I already have
this toothbrush. Damn it!
692
00:28:50,130 --> 00:28:52,380
Ugh!
I should've packed a snack
693
00:28:52,463 --> 00:28:56,421
instead of this busty werewolf
figurine I rush-ordered online.
694
00:28:56,505 --> 00:28:59,296
-Donald Trump the Junior?
-What are you doing in here?!
695
00:28:59,380 --> 00:29:01,880
I've been sleeping here ever
since my landlord Googled me.
696
00:29:01,964 --> 00:29:04,630
Shit, shit, shit!
697
00:29:04,713 --> 00:29:06,463
How do you do it, Stevie?
698
00:29:06,547 --> 00:29:09,296
How do you keep it together
when you have so many haters?
699
00:29:09,380 --> 00:29:11,755
Despite my calm,
composed exterior,
700
00:29:11,839 --> 00:29:13,171
I don't have it together.
701
00:29:13,255 --> 00:29:16,130
Believe or not, I was
made fun of in high school.
702
00:29:16,213 --> 00:29:17,713
Yeah, obviously.
703
00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:20,089
And that's when I developed
this scaly exterior
704
00:29:20,171 --> 00:29:21,672
and toxic personality.
705
00:29:21,755 --> 00:29:23,713
It made me feel strong.
706
00:29:23,797 --> 00:29:26,839
I just wish I was as cool
as you or Ben Shapiro
707
00:29:26,922 --> 00:29:29,922
and didn't have
to put up a front.
708
00:29:30,005 --> 00:29:32,089
Hey, I want you
to have this.
709
00:29:32,171 --> 00:29:34,880
Wow! Until I make
the real thing in a lab,
710
00:29:34,964 --> 00:29:37,672
this will do just fine.
[laughs]
711
00:29:37,755 --> 00:29:40,171
melancholy music playing
712
00:29:40,255 --> 00:29:42,964
[touchscreen clicking]
713
00:29:46,338 --> 00:29:47,547
Donald.
714
00:29:47,630 --> 00:29:49,338
Melania? I thought
you were deported.
715
00:29:49,421 --> 00:29:52,255
I was, but then Slovenia found
out that I was your wife
716
00:29:52,338 --> 00:29:53,630
and deported me right back.
717
00:29:53,713 --> 00:29:55,171
You came just in time.
718
00:29:55,255 --> 00:29:56,880
With the help of Space Force,
719
00:29:56,964 --> 00:30:00,005
I'm going to live on the moon
or Mars, whichever is closer.
720
00:30:00,089 --> 00:30:01,964
If you're scared
of losing Congress,
721
00:30:02,047 --> 00:30:03,964
you'll be extremely scared
of space.
722
00:30:04,047 --> 00:30:06,213
Why do you think I'm
so scared of everything?
723
00:30:06,296 --> 00:30:08,880
Do you remember how your father
used to always scare you
724
00:30:08,964 --> 00:30:10,797
by getting a body double
of your mother
725
00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:12,421
and pushing it out
of a helicopter?
726
00:30:12,505 --> 00:30:15,047
He did that because he knew
he wasn't loving enough
727
00:30:15,130 --> 00:30:17,255
to keep you close,
but he was terrifying enough.
728
00:30:17,338 --> 00:30:18,630
Don't be like your father.
729
00:30:18,713 --> 00:30:20,380
Stop manipulating people
with fear
730
00:30:20,463 --> 00:30:22,463
and start manipulating
them with love.
731
00:30:22,547 --> 00:30:26,547
♪♪
732
00:30:26,630 --> 00:30:29,630
That was all you were
going to bring to space?
733
00:30:29,713 --> 00:30:32,839
It's space, Melania.
They'll have shaving cream.
734
00:30:34,047 --> 00:30:35,630
You tried to get a job, too?
735
00:30:35,713 --> 00:30:38,964
Yeah, they were expecting
a delivery from that service
736
00:30:39,047 --> 00:30:40,839
where models
bring you cocaine,
737
00:30:40,922 --> 00:30:43,089
so when I walked in,
they got real mad.
738
00:30:43,171 --> 00:30:45,296
I'm sorry I ruined
the Netflix meeting.
739
00:30:45,380 --> 00:30:47,964
I want a television show,
but not like that.
740
00:30:48,047 --> 00:30:50,421
Chuck, you know what
some guy in Iowa
741
00:30:50,505 --> 00:30:53,255
with hand sanitizer
on his breath told me?
742
00:30:53,338 --> 00:30:55,880
He screamed that we need
to stop speeding away
743
00:30:55,964 --> 00:30:58,380
and start fighting back.
744
00:30:58,463 --> 00:31:01,047
Nancy, it may be
electoral suicide,
745
00:31:01,130 --> 00:31:04,421
but let's do what
our constituents want.
746
00:31:04,505 --> 00:31:07,380
[explosions in distance,
siren wailing]
747
00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:12,171
How was the hot air balloon?
748
00:31:12,255 --> 00:31:14,547
Let's just treat it like
the time I almost died
749
00:31:14,630 --> 00:31:17,171
at On the Grind DJ Academy
and never speak of it.
750
00:31:17,255 --> 00:31:19,755
How do I get everyone to
realize that they love me
751
00:31:19,839 --> 00:31:21,005
without terrifying them?
752
00:31:21,089 --> 00:31:23,380
Dad, you forget,
we're friggin' swag.
753
00:31:23,463 --> 00:31:26,338
It's like Stephen Miller said.
We're cool as shit.
754
00:31:26,421 --> 00:31:29,964
You gave Saudi Arabia a pass
to murder like whoever.
755
00:31:30,047 --> 00:31:32,421
I feed Adderall to
the Central Park swans.
756
00:31:32,505 --> 00:31:35,505
Eric is a friggin'
world championship whistler!
757
00:31:35,588 --> 00:31:38,296
We just need to find a way
to lure America out
758
00:31:38,380 --> 00:31:39,880
from under its kitchen table.
759
00:31:42,463 --> 00:31:46,338
Don, get me whatever ingredients
go inside a 500-ton cake.
760
00:31:46,421 --> 00:31:48,255
Yeah. What?
761
00:31:48,338 --> 00:31:51,630
[man] It's time for Democrats
to put up a fight
762
00:31:51,713 --> 00:31:54,547
But you know that they'll be
pushed back from the right
763
00:31:54,630 --> 00:31:56,797
'Cause it's the midterms
764
00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:01,089
Oh, yeah, it's the midterms
765
00:32:01,171 --> 00:32:04,630
Did you ever think you'd care
about midterms this much?
766
00:32:04,713 --> 00:32:05,839
Oh, no, no, no
767
00:32:05,922 --> 00:32:08,005
Who could've known?
768
00:32:08,089 --> 00:32:10,839
But now you gotta look up
your polling place
769
00:32:10,922 --> 00:32:14,338
And drive 40 minutes
to some library
770
00:32:14,421 --> 00:32:17,672
'Cause if you don't, they
might overturn Roe v. Wade
771
00:32:17,755 --> 00:32:21,130
Yeah, they've been talking
about overturning Roe v. Wade!
772
00:32:23,047 --> 00:32:24,922
-Hey.
-Hey.
773
00:32:25,005 --> 00:32:26,463
This is pretty cool.
774
00:32:26,547 --> 00:32:29,005
Thanks.
How's your thing going?
775
00:32:29,089 --> 00:32:30,839
Whistling?
It's going really well.
776
00:32:30,922 --> 00:32:32,380
I have worlds tomorrow.
777
00:32:32,463 --> 00:32:35,047
Tomorrow's the big rally,
but I understand.
778
00:32:35,130 --> 00:32:37,505
Good luck.
-Don, wait.
779
00:32:37,588 --> 00:32:39,922
♪♪
780
00:32:40,005 --> 00:32:41,338
Never mind.
781
00:32:41,421 --> 00:32:43,672
Fuck you for
making me stop, Eric!
782
00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:46,672
suspenseful music playing
-[imitating alarm clock]
783
00:32:46,755 --> 00:32:49,547
Wake up, Donny!
-Aah! Aah!
784
00:32:49,630 --> 00:32:52,380
You really think you can get
these people to love you?
785
00:32:52,463 --> 00:32:54,505
The only way I got nannies
to take care of you
786
00:32:54,588 --> 00:32:56,505
was by threatening
to steal their organs!
787
00:32:56,588 --> 00:32:58,880
Your closing argument
should be, "I have nukes.
788
00:32:58,964 --> 00:33:00,713
Vote for me, or 10,000 years
of darkness!"
789
00:33:00,797 --> 00:33:03,505
[laughs maniacally]
790
00:33:03,588 --> 00:33:06,421
Mr. President,
it's Election Day Eve.
791
00:33:06,505 --> 00:33:09,130
Volunteers across the country
are changing street signs
792
00:33:09,213 --> 00:33:11,005
so no one can find
their polling place.
793
00:33:11,089 --> 00:33:13,505
I need the nuclear football.
If anyone asks why,
794
00:33:13,588 --> 00:33:17,255
just say I wanted to show you
a cool party trick.
795
00:33:17,338 --> 00:33:19,922
Do you think anyone will show up
to protest this monster?
796
00:33:20,005 --> 00:33:21,130
I don't know, Chuck,
797
00:33:21,213 --> 00:33:23,296
but whatever's outside
that door,
798
00:33:23,380 --> 00:33:26,547
I want you to know that as long
as it's politically expedient,
799
00:33:26,630 --> 00:33:28,797
I'll be there for you.
800
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:31,547
[crowd cheering]
We did it, Chuck!
801
00:33:31,630 --> 00:33:34,755
But why is everyone
so ridiculously excited?
802
00:33:34,839 --> 00:33:37,588
I told them they could see
a rich, white guy get arrested.
803
00:33:37,672 --> 00:33:41,130
I tell ya, I got something
inside me that I can't get out.
804
00:33:41,213 --> 00:33:44,213
Now let's bring the same energy
to this protest
805
00:33:44,296 --> 00:33:47,547
that we brought to our vote
to overwhelmingly expand
806
00:33:47,630 --> 00:33:50,005
the president's
surveillance powers!
807
00:33:50,089 --> 00:33:52,922
rock music playing
808
00:33:53,005 --> 00:33:55,630
[Eric] Please welcome my dad,
809
00:33:55,713 --> 00:33:58,588
Donald J. Trump!
810
00:33:58,672 --> 00:34:00,922
[cheering]
811
00:34:01,005 --> 00:34:02,797
Wow, look at this crowd!
812
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:05,338
What's this, 90 billion people?
813
00:34:05,421 --> 00:34:08,672
The last couple of weeks, me and
the Republicans have campaigned
814
00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:13,089
on stopping MS-13,
keeping Muslims out of America,
815
00:34:13,171 --> 00:34:16,255
and doing that thing that we've
always done to Black people.
816
00:34:16,338 --> 00:34:19,005
And though each of those threats
is even more terrifying
817
00:34:19,089 --> 00:34:21,922
than I described,
there's something more powerful
818
00:34:22,005 --> 00:34:24,880
and manipulative than fear --
love.
819
00:34:24,964 --> 00:34:26,797
And to show you my love,
820
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:29,380
I and I alone baked you
821
00:34:29,463 --> 00:34:32,047
the biggest cake on Earth!
822
00:34:32,130 --> 00:34:35,421
[cheering]
-Hey, Mr. President!
823
00:34:35,505 --> 00:34:38,630
We're here to fight you
with everything we've got!
824
00:34:38,713 --> 00:34:41,630
-Who's with us?
-[cheering]
825
00:34:41,713 --> 00:34:44,005
You're losing 'em, Donny!
Show 'em the nuke!
826
00:34:44,089 --> 00:34:46,047
Scare 'em into submission!
827
00:34:46,130 --> 00:34:47,380
Get me the nuclear football.
828
00:34:47,463 --> 00:34:51,005
Dad! Lure them out from
under the kitchen table!
829
00:34:51,130 --> 00:34:52,630
Don't listen to him! Nuke!
830
00:34:52,713 --> 00:34:53,964
-Cake!
-Nuke!
831
00:34:54,047 --> 00:34:55,463
Cake!
832
00:34:55,547 --> 00:34:58,880
Dad, I can't eat nuke.
833
00:34:58,964 --> 00:35:01,672
[thud]
Everyone, shut up!
834
00:35:01,755 --> 00:35:05,588
You mean to tell me that
you people don't love cake?!
835
00:35:05,672 --> 00:35:07,922
-[man] I like cake!
-[man] Hey, I like cake, too!
836
00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:10,922
That's what I thought.
Raise the thing!
837
00:35:11,005 --> 00:35:14,880
dramatic music playing
838
00:35:16,755 --> 00:35:19,588
[woman] Are you fuckin' serious?
Are you fuckin' serious?
839
00:35:19,672 --> 00:35:22,338
Okay, I got a little hungry
backstage.
840
00:35:22,421 --> 00:35:25,588
As long as everyone isn't
selfish, we can all share.
841
00:35:25,672 --> 00:35:28,089
-[man] Fuck that!
-Welp, nuke it is.
842
00:35:28,171 --> 00:35:29,964
[laughs maniacally]
843
00:35:30,047 --> 00:35:34,255
If you don't vote Republican,
I will set this off.
844
00:35:34,338 --> 00:35:36,255
That is a direct
and real threat.
845
00:35:36,338 --> 00:35:40,964
And it's way more powerful
than love!
846
00:35:41,047 --> 00:35:42,547
Got 'em!
847
00:35:42,630 --> 00:35:45,213
At long last, Bill's getting
the help he needs.
848
00:35:45,296 --> 00:35:47,171
[metal crunches]
849
00:35:47,255 --> 00:35:49,171
Thanks for bailing me
out again, Hillary!
850
00:35:49,255 --> 00:35:51,089
Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!
I tell ya.
851
00:35:51,171 --> 00:35:53,463
So vote Republican
and you won't die.
852
00:35:53,547 --> 00:35:55,880
Oh, and grab a handful
of frosting on the way out.
853
00:35:55,964 --> 00:35:59,505
[whirring]
854
00:35:59,588 --> 00:36:01,255
I feel great!
855
00:36:01,338 --> 00:36:03,089
Old Lady Clinton!
856
00:36:03,171 --> 00:36:04,839
[laughs]
857
00:36:04,922 --> 00:36:07,505
[crowd screaming]
858
00:36:07,588 --> 00:36:11,089
Now I finally have
your attention.
859
00:36:11,171 --> 00:36:15,047
Dangerous Donald's flip-flopping
on the Trans-Pacific Partnership
860
00:36:15,130 --> 00:36:17,588
proves that he is truly
full of baloney!
861
00:36:17,672 --> 00:36:20,255
And let's not forget his,
what I like to call,
862
00:36:20,338 --> 00:36:22,421
Trumped-up trickle
down economics.
863
00:36:22,505 --> 00:36:25,171
I've got hot sauce in my bag.
864
00:36:25,255 --> 00:36:27,130
How did she lose?
865
00:36:27,213 --> 00:36:29,089
Lower the glass dome!
866
00:36:29,171 --> 00:36:31,213
Dramatic music playing
867
00:36:31,296 --> 00:36:32,296
[heavy thud]
868
00:36:32,380 --> 00:36:36,089
Oh, that is so much better.
869
00:36:36,171 --> 00:36:39,588
Nevertheless, she persisted.
870
00:36:39,672 --> 00:36:41,547
♪♪
871
00:36:41,630 --> 00:36:43,547
Hillary broke
the glass ceiling.
872
00:36:43,630 --> 00:36:45,421
Run for your lives!
873
00:36:45,505 --> 00:36:48,713
Time to Pokémon Go eat
Donald Trump.
874
00:36:48,797 --> 00:36:51,255
♪♪
875
00:36:51,338 --> 00:36:52,964
[beeping]
876
00:36:53,047 --> 00:36:55,588
I'll save you,
Mr. President!
877
00:36:55,672 --> 00:36:57,255
One, two, and...
878
00:36:57,338 --> 00:36:59,047
Wind took it
the wrong direction.
879
00:36:59,130 --> 00:37:00,880
See you back at the house!
880
00:37:00,964 --> 00:37:03,213
[Eric] Hey, Hillary-Bot!
881
00:37:05,296 --> 00:37:07,588
Eric?
I thought you were at World!
882
00:37:07,672 --> 00:37:09,839
I couldn't ditch my family.
883
00:37:09,922 --> 00:37:12,255
You escape while I distract
Hillary-Bot
884
00:37:12,338 --> 00:37:14,296
with my intoxicating whistle.
885
00:37:14,380 --> 00:37:16,755
Hillary-Bot! Over here!
886
00:37:16,839 --> 00:37:18,505
[whistling]
887
00:37:18,588 --> 00:37:22,089
As my dear friend Eric Holder
says, when they go low...
888
00:37:24,922 --> 00:37:26,089
[chuckles]
889
00:37:26,171 --> 00:37:28,171
[thudding footsteps]
890
00:37:28,255 --> 00:37:30,380
What's a matter, Donny?
891
00:37:30,463 --> 00:37:33,213
Scared again?!
892
00:37:33,296 --> 00:37:36,213
[rapid electronic beeping]
893
00:37:38,338 --> 00:37:40,255
This is for those kids
894
00:37:40,338 --> 00:37:43,255
in the basement
of that pizza place!
895
00:37:43,338 --> 00:37:46,630
suspenseful music playing
896
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:50,255
Why didn't it work?
897
00:37:50,338 --> 00:37:52,255
That's not the nuke.
It's a button.
898
00:37:52,338 --> 00:37:54,171
You just threw
a button at her.
899
00:37:54,255 --> 00:37:57,880
Don, if I'm about to die,
I just want to say,
900
00:37:57,964 --> 00:37:59,922
I love cake.
901
00:38:00,005 --> 00:38:05,130
♪♪
902
00:38:07,922 --> 00:38:10,296
[powers down]
903
00:38:10,380 --> 00:38:15,089
Pokémon no, no, no!
904
00:38:15,171 --> 00:38:16,463
I did it.
905
00:38:16,547 --> 00:38:20,255
I defeated Hillary-Bot
all by myself!
906
00:38:20,338 --> 00:38:21,880
Actually, Dad, let's just say
907
00:38:21,964 --> 00:38:23,755
there's a new
Russia Collusion Day
908
00:38:23,839 --> 00:38:26,505
on the calendar.
-Okay, that's the last time
909
00:38:26,588 --> 00:38:29,296
I hack Hillary for
that marshmallow man.
910
00:38:29,380 --> 00:38:31,421
Eh, no it's not.
-Are you mad?
911
00:38:31,505 --> 00:38:35,296
Don, I'm only mad when
collusion doesn't work.
912
00:38:35,380 --> 00:38:39,005
Um, you know before,
when I said, "I love cake..."
913
00:38:39,089 --> 00:38:40,630
Yeah?
914
00:38:40,713 --> 00:38:41,839
I meant it.
915
00:38:41,922 --> 00:38:45,547
♪♪
916
00:38:45,630 --> 00:38:47,213
First snowfall...
917
00:38:47,296 --> 00:38:50,213
Happy Russia Collusion Day, Don.
918
00:38:50,296 --> 00:38:52,005
Happy
Russia Collusion Day, Don --
919
00:38:52,089 --> 00:38:53,797
I mean, "Dan" --
I mean, "Mom" -- Fuck!
920
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,505
hopeful music playing
921
00:38:56,588 --> 00:38:58,672
Look, anyone could've
hacked Hillary-Bot.
922
00:38:58,755 --> 00:39:01,922
Could've been the Chinese,
some fat guy in his basement.
923
00:39:02,005 --> 00:39:03,672
Definitely not Russia, though.
924
00:39:03,755 --> 00:39:05,922
925
00:39:06,005 --> 00:39:08,922
Well, Chuck, this might be
our last time in here
926
00:39:09,005 --> 00:39:10,672
as leaders of the party.
927
00:39:10,755 --> 00:39:13,505
It's been fun working
with you, Nancy.
928
00:39:13,588 --> 00:39:15,338
Hey.
929
00:39:15,421 --> 00:39:17,463
I saw what you did
at the Trump rally.
930
00:39:17,547 --> 00:39:19,713
Pretty cool to see you
put up a fight like that.
931
00:39:19,797 --> 00:39:22,338
Does this mean I have
your vote for Speaker?
932
00:39:22,421 --> 00:39:24,005
Nope. Ya canceled.
933
00:39:24,089 --> 00:39:25,964
Thanks anyway!
934
00:39:27,755 --> 00:39:29,964
Sorry about the deportation
mix-up, Melania.
935
00:39:30,047 --> 00:39:31,463
Yeah. What a nightmare.
936
00:39:31,547 --> 00:39:33,505
Hey, Donny, I'm gonna go
finish that cake.
937
00:39:33,588 --> 00:39:35,505
You should come so I have
someone to wipe
938
00:39:35,588 --> 00:39:37,922
the frosting off me with
a soaking wet beach towel.
939
00:39:38,005 --> 00:39:40,089
Sick! Eric, that was
pretty cool of you
940
00:39:40,171 --> 00:39:42,089
to give up your one shot
at self-worth
941
00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:44,672
to help a family that
offers nothing in return.
942
00:39:44,755 --> 00:39:47,047
-That means a lot, Don.
-Dad, have you ever thought
943
00:39:47,130 --> 00:39:49,880
about opening a restaurant
that just serves goat anus?
944
00:39:49,964 --> 00:39:52,130
It's pretty good.
-I could be the whistling chef!
945
00:39:52,213 --> 00:39:53,588
You're not
in this conversation!
946
00:39:53,672 --> 00:39:56,296
-Sorry.
-Hey, Donny!
947
00:39:56,380 --> 00:40:00,296
Looks like the Ruskies
bailed you out again, loser!
948
00:40:00,380 --> 00:40:03,380
-Thanks, Dad.
-I didn't say anything nice.
949
00:40:03,463 --> 00:40:05,797
-Well, my ride's here.
-You live in Hell?
950
00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:10,505
It's Heaven to me.
[screams, laughs]
951
00:40:10,588 --> 00:40:12,713
Daddy, the election returns
are coming in!
952
00:40:12,797 --> 00:40:16,505
Guys, I just want to say that
no matter what happens tonight,
953
00:40:16,588 --> 00:40:20,089
I'm still gonna be
President tomorrow.
954
00:40:20,171 --> 00:40:21,380
['80s-style pop music plays]
955
00:40:21,463 --> 00:40:24,839
Donald Trump is
the president
956
00:40:24,922 --> 00:40:28,630
Donald Trump
is the president
957
00:40:28,713 --> 00:40:30,713
Is Donald Trump
the president?
958
00:40:30,797 --> 00:40:32,171
Yes, he is
959
00:40:32,255 --> 00:40:35,380
Yes, he is, we elected
him president
960
00:40:35,463 --> 00:40:37,880
Is Donald Trump
the president?
961
00:40:37,964 --> 00:40:39,463
Yes, he is
962
00:40:39,547 --> 00:40:42,713
We had a vote
and elected him president
963
00:40:42,797 --> 00:40:47,630
Donald Trump
is the president
964
00:40:49,713 --> 00:40:52,255
[man] We now join an evening
with Bill and Hillary Clinton,
965
00:40:52,338 --> 00:40:53,630
already in progress.
966
00:40:53,713 --> 00:40:55,630
If Bill could speak,
he would say is,
967
00:40:55,713 --> 00:40:58,047
"The American spirit
is still alive and well."
968
00:40:58,130 --> 00:40:59,630
No, I wouldn't!
969
00:40:59,713 --> 00:41:01,338
I'd say I'm guilty
and tired of running.
970
00:41:01,421 --> 00:41:03,839
Put me away!
-Bill!
971
00:41:03,922 --> 00:41:05,255
Donald Trump
972
00:41:05,338 --> 00:41:09,089
He is our president
973
00:41:09,171 --> 00:41:12,505
We made him president
974
00:41:12,588 --> 00:41:14,755
We did it
975
00:41:14,839 --> 00:41:18,296
Donald Trump
is the president
976
00:41:18,380 --> 00:41:20,130
And in entertainment news,
977
00:41:20,213 --> 00:41:23,130
President Obama just announced
his first Netflix show.
978
00:41:23,213 --> 00:41:24,713
It's called
979
00:41:24,797 --> 00:41:27,089
"Congresspeople in Towncars
(Going to Del Posto)."
980
00:41:27,171 --> 00:41:28,672
-That son of a bitch!
-Oh, come on!
981
00:41:33,130 --> 00:41:36,213
We elected Donald Trump
982
00:41:36,296 --> 00:41:40,630
Donald Trump
is the president
983
00:41:40,713 --> 00:41:43,213
Donald Trump is
the president
984
00:41:43,296 --> 00:41:46,755
Yeah
985
00:41:46,839 --> 00:41:49,505
[man] Welcome back to the World
Whistling Championships.
986
00:41:49,588 --> 00:41:51,964
Our next contestant missed
the competition last year
987
00:41:52,047 --> 00:41:53,380
due to a family emergency.
988
00:41:53,463 --> 00:41:55,755
Coming to the stage
for the first time, Eric Trump.
989
00:41:55,839 --> 00:41:58,797
[applause]
990
00:42:01,713 --> 00:42:05,713
[breathy, weak whistling]
991
00:42:10,588 --> 00:42:11,880
Ah!
992
00:42:14,547 --> 00:42:16,964
-[man] Dude, this guy sucks.
-Trump!
993
00:42:17,014 --> 00:42:21,564
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
74512
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof