All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e03 1Rolling Back Obama.eng

? Three white people
on a couch ?

? It's Fox & Friends ?

Don't believe anything
you see, hear, or smell.

It's Fox & Friends.

Well, the witch hunt against men
has claimed another victim,

White House Staff Secretary
Rob Porter.

He allegedly took part

in some old-fashioned
spousal roughhousing.

And now for a phone call that
should feel unprecedented,

but has become alarmingly routine ...

it's President Donald Trump.

[President Trump] I'm freaking
out over this story

that I flew in a Playmate for sex.

I don't want it out there
that I reimburse people for travel.

Fantastic. So, the FBI gave
the White House a report

talking about this Porter stuff,
but you never heard about it.

I still haven't, and nothing
can ever change that.

Besides, the investigation
wasn't even done.

You've got to let
that evidence marinate,

or it's gonna come out dry.

You're good with all this,
right, Ainsley?

I can't say that I am, because,
as a woman with dignity...

Anyways, Mr. President,

what will you miss most
about Rob Porter?

So much ...
the way he'd slam doors,

and the way he would sprint
down the hallways,

screaming, "Lock me up
before I do something bad!"

[telephone beeping]
Eric, get off the phone.

[Eric] I will have
the rock shrimp tempura.

Eric! Lie in the tub until
someone comes and gets you!

- Sorry!
- Rock shrimp tempura sounds delicious.

[Trump Jr.] Someone tell Eric
to get out of the tub.

I've got to take a shower.
I don't want him staring at my nads.

Eric, let your brother take a shower.

Mr. President, when did
Chief of Staff John Kelly

learn about these allegations?

Quick, Doocy,
smother him with a pillow!

? It's Fox & Friends ?

[music]

Wow!
How about this title, folks?

[stately music]

Donald, can't we watch
something else?

I'm sick of watching Fox News.

They're always repeating
your opinions

a few hours before you say them.

Melania, when we got married,
we agreed that our relationship

would never get in the way of my
relationship with television.

People say a lot of crazy
things on their wedding day.

[woman] You're watching... PBS?

[narrator] Welcome back to History's
Greatest Presidents: 2009 to Present.

Oh, here we go!
Enough already!

At number one,
it's Barack Obama.

Not only did he save the nation
from economic Armageddon

and kill enemy number one,

he also looked
and sounded good doing it.

? I'm ?

? Showering love on you ?

They must've made this list
before I was born.

Donald, am I detecting
a hint of jealousy?

Please.
Melania, do you really think

I'm so insecure that I would
get jealous of Obama

then lash out at, I don't know,

some furniture he once used?

[screaming]

Sir...
Sir, you may need that later.

Just so you know, that desk
has been in the White House

- for over 140 years.
- Just once I'd like to power-saw

through a national relic
without someone riding my ass.

Man, I'm bushed.

If anyone asks where I am,
just tell them that I woke up,

power-sawed my desk,
and am now bushed.

Mr. President, I think we both
know this isn't about the desk.

It's about your ongoing obsession

with getting rid of all things Obama.

Come on.
Why would I be jealous

of a guy with exhausting charisma,
a distractingly bright smile,

- and only one voice in his head?
- Whatever the reason,

perhaps if you got to work
on building your own legacy,

you wouldn't worry
so much about Obama's.

Don't try to Freud me on this one.
I'm micropenis.

I mean, impenetrable.

[Jared] Could you clarify
some of my assignments?

I-I can kinda wrap my head
around the Middle East thing,

but I'm just not sure about, uh ...
Let me see here ...

renaming the Virgin Islands
after your friends?

Hello. Just tell them
St. John changed genders

and now goes by St. Linda McMahon.

Great. Well, that only leaves
about 100 other things I got to do.

101. I need you to find me
a desk bigger than Obama's.

Something historically significant,

but also with a hot-oil popcorn popper.

Hey, you guys notice
anything different?

I'll give you a hint.
[whispers] My desk is bigger.

Wow.
Well, that's certainly different

than President Obama's desk.

Now, who is this Obama guy
everyone's talking about?

Was he the guy
that left One Direction?

You're thinking of Zayn.

Barack Obama was the 44th
president of the United States.

Anyways. Big rally
in Arizona tomorrow night!

Let's announce a fun new bill,

you know, something
that really makes people wonder

if things can keep going on like this.

Maybe a bill saying
all salads must be 90% crouton.

Well, Congress really isn't in
the passing-bills business anymore.

It's more just a nice, warm place

for members to launch
talk-radio careers.

But if you want to go down that alley,

we can enact
the Bowles-Simpson Commission

Recommendations on Fiscal
Responsibility and Reform.

Bowl Soupson?
What the hell is that?

- Obama couldn't pass it.
- Done. Put it in the prompter.

- Phonetically, sir?
- Don't be a smartass.

Yes.

[President Trump]
Wait till my big finale.

You'll see these pipes aren't just for
waking up the kitchen staff at midnight.

? Bing-bong bing-bing
bing-bong bing-bong ?

? Bing-bong bing-bing
bong-bing bung-bing-bong ?

Wall.
Waaaaall.

Mr. President,
I've learned you're embracing

the Bowles-Simpson cataclysm.
You're neglecting the beast.

- Tell me what the beast is again?
- [sighs] The beast is your base.

And to feed the beast,

you must scour
Obama's globalist residue.

Stephen, you're a lovely man.

No one could put a McCaf� cashier
in her place like you can.

But I'm done feeding the beast.

If anyone's
getting fed tonight, it's me.

[audience cheering]
And to keep America

alive and kicking,
we need to pass...

the Bart Simpson Commission

on Fiscal Responsibility
and Reform,

which would decre...
increase GDP outlays

through 2035
through a combination

of chained CPI and...

Jesus Christ...
discretionary spending caps?

[man] What the fuck
are you talking about?

[crowd murmurs]

Uh...

? Showering love on you ?

[man] Don't do that anymore.

Psst!
Feed the beast.

What I meant to say was,
let's kill Obamacare!

[cheers and applause]
[triumphant music]

And anyone who was a citizen

during his presidency
is under investigation!

[triumphant music]

? Bing-bong,
bing-bing-bing-bing ?

All will remember
where they were when they heard

President Trump's speech tonight.

His speech made the Gettysburg
Address sound like a teen

mom cursing out her slacker
boyfriend at a Foot Locker.

- Thanks, Sean.
- Rest easy, sir.

- The beast is engorged.
- Nice work, Stevie.

But don't let it go to your head.
It's supposed to go to my head.

All right, here's the deal.
Jared, you said you need help.

Stevie, you clearly need friends.
I'm pairing you up.

Standard drill, fight
to the death for my affection.

Hello, Jared Kushner.
We should grab three beers sometime.

- Uh, are y-you gonna invade my dreams?
- Don't be silly.

We'll be friends of the highest
order in this life or the next.

I mean, what are Stephen Miller

and I supposed to even talk about?

We don't have any
of the same food allergies.

Jared, part of your job of being
my dad's daughter's husband

is to get along with colleagues,

even the ones you can sense are
staring at you three walls away.

[Miller] Welcome to
the friendship, Jared Kushner.

I've brought you gift cantaloupes

- from the food store.
- Ooh.

I'll leave you two alone
in your "man cave."

Congrats on your symmetrical wife.

Mr. President, we have great news.

[both] We... got... the votes.

- We got 'em!
- Oh, that's cool.

Votes for what?
[popcorn kernels clanking]

Are you kidding me, man?
The Bowles-Simpson bill.

We called in every favor
we possibly could.

We compromised our principles
to such an extent

that I no longer recognize
the man I see in the mirror.

My wife oscillates between
sobbing and screaming in my face

that she wants her husband back,

knowing full well that he's gone.

[chewing]
Uh-huh.

So we're not doing
that Bill Simpson thing.

Doesn't play.
No one cares.

I mean, I'm not trying to win
President of the Year here.

- Feed the beast!
- I'm getting to it, Stevie.

Hold your horses, if you haven't
already beat them senseless.

Here's the plan, folks.
I will build my legacy

based on what's worked
for me from Day One,

tearing down Obama's legacy.
People love the classics.

As soon as you start playing
songs off the new album,

everyone heads to the bathroom.

Here is my solemn pledge to you.

As long as I'm president,
no one goes to the bathroom!

[crowd shouting]

[triumphant music]

Stephen Miller's been hitting
a lot of home runs lately,

so I'm turning the team
over to him today.

- Steve?
- Well, well, well.

If it isn't
everyone who doubted me.

Now look who's front
and center at the table.

And what a fine table it is.

I might make it mine.
I have that power!

Jesus, Stevie.
These are your friends.

Of course. Sorry.
I would die for any of you.

Okay, I can already tell
this might cut into TV time.

Let's keep this simple.

Ideas to destroy Obama's legacy. Go.

What about we pull up
all of Michelle's vegetables

and replace them with beef shanks?

We should claim Obama cheated
when he won

the Nobel Peace Prize
because he wears hats,

and we don't know if those hats
hid additional brains.

Why don't you do what you always

tell people you're gonna do,
kill Obamacare?

It's called an applause line, Pence.
Welcome to show business.

Any winners in there, Stevie?

Write up a proposal for the beef thing.
But I want rancid slabs only.

Fun fact, I spent a summer abroad

in a Latvian rendering pri...
plant. Plant.

It's pronounced "plant," idiots!

Before Obama came along,

we were loving
the housing bubble, right?

Five houses. Ten cars.

Working at a shoe store.
What could go wrong?

It's time we got back
to those good, old days.

That's where Nuch comes in.

Effective immediately,
every American will receive

an alarmingly generous housing loan.

All you have to do
is successfully navigate

your bank's revolving door
and just tell them,

"I know what a house is."

Wow. That sounds
too good to be true.

Is there a downside?

That's a good question, Mr. President,
and the answer is... no.

Thank you for joining me
for three beers.

Yeah, no problem.
Uh, so, where are you from?

I was raised
in Santa Monica, California.

- Liberal family. You?
- New Jersey. Liberal family.

Uh, now they're all like,
"Hey, why are you doing all this?"

I understand completely.

It seems like just yesterday,

I was mailing
white powder to Sarah Lawrence,

and now look at me,
I'm basically president.

It's true.
I mean, you're the guy.

I guess I'm just here for advice.

Jared, what you said is appreciated.

First question, how do
you tell a tall, thin boy

- that you think he's cool?
- I think you just did.

Good news, folks.
The housing bubble?

It's getting big,
and it's getting big fast.

Cover your eyes 'cause
that baby's about to pop.

More good news!
After Obama wouldn't let it die,

we're finally putting the auto
industry out of its misery!

Soon we will release
all of these deer

and many more
onto our nation's roadways,

rendering vehicular travel
impossibly deadly,

therefore cratering
the auto industry

and reversing another one
of Obama's terrible accomplishments.

Where will you find enough deer

to cover the entirety of
the interstate highway system?

How dare you question my ability
to put deers in estrus!

If I arouse deer half
as well as you waste my time,

I think we'll be just fine!

Wow.
How is this guy single?

[music]

[John] Time to finish
the job that Obama finished.

And we're recovered Osama bin Laden's
corpse for eventual re-killing.

Just so you know, sir,
due to ocean conditions,

the body is less a body
and more a barnacle-covered jelly.

Grind those barnacles
into my breakfast,

squirt the jelly into a big doughnut,
and initiate phase two.

[door closes] Don't worry.
We unplugged that thing months ago.

[announcer] Welcome to the most
exciting night in football.

And now, please rise for the
singing of the national anthem

by Senior White House Advisor
Stephen Miller!

[Star-Spangled Banner plays]

O say can you see,
by the dawn's early light,

what so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright
stars through the perilous fight

o'er the ramparts we watched
were so gallantly streaming?

And the rockets' red glare,
the bombs bursting in air,

gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there.

O say does that star-spangled
banner yet wave

o'er the land of the free
and the home of the brave?

[cheers and applause]

[announcer]
And now, an announcement

from the President of the United States.

[uplifting music]

[panting]

Oh, God.
You can do it. Come on.

Come on.
Oh, God.

[music]

[groans] I can do it!
Good evening!

Tonight, I can report to the
American people and to the world

that the United States has conducted
a successful operation

to capture
Osama bin Laden's corpse!

[cheers and applause] Now please direct
your attention to the 30-yard line

where we're going to kill
Osama bin Laden

way better than Obama ever did!

[music]

[skull thuds]

Head counts, so it's good!

[cheers and applause]

[President Trump] Tremendous!

You people are so great!
In fact...

? I'm ?

? Showering love on you ?

[man] We don't like this.

Forget it!
Goodnight, people!

I'd say drive safe, but there's
deer frickin' everywhere!

- Whoo!
- Whoo-whoo!

- We did it!
- We did it!

- We did it!
- Whoo! Let's go!

I thought it was a really
wonderful moment for America.

Suck my nuts, John Adams!

We kicked a field goal
with Osama bin Laden's head

in front of 100 million people.
How do you top that?

- So, how do we top it?
- What are you talking about, man?

We already kinda destroyed
everything Obama did.

We only came in here today
because we thought there'd be cake!

Bite your tongue,
or I'll bite it for you.

[making crunching noise]
That's the sound it would make.

We need ideas,
and we need them now.

We took Susan B. Anthony
off the silver dollar.

And went back to life sentences
for crack smokers.

And sent SEAL Team Six
to the Kenyan hall of records

to find that Obama birth certificate.

Oh, I never really believed that,
but the racists liked it.

I wasn't gonna tell those kids
there's no Santa.

I'll say it again.
The beast must be fed.

A sprig of wheat will not suffice,

nor grain, nor grape,
nor fields of rice.

Okay, we get it.
You can rhyme foods.

I can do that, too.
Ham...

- Ham can...
- I have a few ideas.

We can rescind federal code Title 5.

- Shut up.
- You need a time out, mister.

- No!
- Fuck you!

- Oh, eat my ass.
- Psst! Hello?

Mr. President, are you okay?

I can't believe there's
nothing left to undo.

I guess I'll go see what
happens when I put cake

- in my popcorn maker.
- Wait, so there was cake?

So I told that snowflake,
"Give me a thicker tarantula,

or I'm gonna stomp every turtle
in this pet store."

[laughs]
Jared, is something wrong?

You've only had five sips
of your first beer.

Each beer is 10 to 12 sips,
and we've got two more to go.

Stephen, I don't know
if I can do this anymore.

Wow. I cannot believe
what I'm hearing.

What is the source of this problem?

If you don't like the tarantulas,
consider them stomped.

No, it's not just the tarantulas.

It ... It's, like,
your whole thing, okay?

- We're just not working.
- Oh, no.

You are not
breaking up with me.

I am breaking up with you!
You've made a powerful enemy.

Get out of my way!
I went to Duke University, idiots!

[door slams]

Breaking news tonight.
President Trump has been unable

to find another Obama
initiative to kill,

and as a result has fallen
into a depression spiral

that, according to our sources,

no amount of chicken parts can cure.

They said, "Run for office.
You won't win, but it'll be fun.

You'll get a TV network out of it."

And now look at me,

tossing out red meat
to a bunch of strangers.

Wall, Islam, Islam,
blah, blah, blah.

You know what you should
be more worried about?

Your hearts exploding.

Coal miners, you're really
thinking about the future.

I see so many kids walking
around playing with coal.

What's your name?
Jeff?

Fuck you, Jeff!

[Stephen] Hello, gentlemen.

- I'm your dad now.
- Excuse me?

Your old father has been paralyzed.

- What?!
- By his lack of self-worth.

You may refer to me as Father,
Papa, or Stephen the Dad.

- Dude, this is bullshit!
- Wash your mouth out!

No television for a week!

- You think I care?
- Fine. Two weeks.

- You tell him, Dad.
- Eric, shut up!

Miller, let me let you in
on a little secret here.

I've never been
disciplined in my life,

and I'm not about to start now.

That's it!
Give me your phone.

- You're not seeing that girl any more.
- You mean my wife?

Dude, you are seriously loco.

Eric, I'm proud of you.

I'm gonna take you to 7-Eleven
and get you a big soda.

- Can I sit in the front?
- Fine, but don't touch the radio.

That's Mommy's.
I'm also your mom.

[somber music]

This is weird.
I don't know.

Maybe just make up something
to goose him awake.

Good news, Mr. President.

Congress has agreed to build the wall.

That would be cool
if anything mattered.

I know what will cheer him up.

Hey, Donny, how would you like
to take the nuclear football

to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend, huh?

- Pbht!
- Okay, that's it. He's gone.

[music]

Say what you will
about, uh, Mr. Trump.

He certainly would bring
some change to the White House.

[laughter]

Is that what this is about?

Yeah, you must have felt
pretty humiliated that night,

so humiliated you decided
to run for president?

Go away.

Sir, I once had a boss
who humiliated me every day

by putting his need
to watch television

and eat an entire sheet cake
ahead of our nation.

But someday, I'm gonna write
a shocking expos�

that puts my boss
in prison or worse!

That's a beautiful story,
but how does it relate to me?

Your administration can't
go on like this, Mr. President.

You have two choices ...
either let that night go

or return to the battlefield.

Look, I've got a lot to think about.

I better get a full night's sleep.
[snoring]

I got it!

When's the next White House
Correspondents' Dinner?

- April.
- Move it to tomorrow

and make sure Obama's there.

Consider it done, sir.
Should I give him a plus-one?

Of course.
I'm not a monster.

[President Trump]
All right, here's the plan.

I want to roast Obama
like he roasted me,

and I'm gonna need great material.

Jared, Stephen, you're the two
funniest guys I know. Start writing.

- We're sort of taking a break right now.
- Don't care.

If I can shred on guitar
the first time I touch one,

you two can learn
to be friends again, okay?

[Jared] Hey.

Uh, so, uh, where are
your tarantulas, huh?

I fed them to the python.

You've got a python?!
[shudders] Where is it?

I fed it to me.
My pizza was taking too long.

Cool. Look, Stephen,
I don't know what happened.

I thought we were doing great.

Things were just moving
a little too fast for me.

I mean, I've never met
someone like you.

This happens a lot.
I always assumed new friends

were part of a deep-state
conspiracy against me.

Upon further research, I realized

that the government just
doesn't have those resources.

What do you say
we give this another shot?

That would be great.
I just, uh, need a minute here.

Python meat is the prune juice
of the animal kingdom.

[announcer] Tonight from
the Washington Hilton,

it's the hastily rescheduled

White House
Correspondents' Dinner.

The entire Beltway press corps is here

for a night of fun and laughs

with those they're supposed
to hold accountable.

- Is Obama here?
- Front-row center.

I told him Richard Branson
would be here.

[music]

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

[clears throat]

- You sure this material's good?
- Uh, I don't know.

I mean, Miller handled
the Obama slams,

I did the self-deprecating stuff.

Self-deprecating?
What would I deprecate?

That I don't know
the meaning of "deprecate"?

Well, they're on page two
if you get desperate.

Stevie, I need you
to warm up the crowd.

Sir, by the time
I'm done with them,

they'll be boiling hot
and begging for mercy.

[chuckling] What a goofball!

And now performing
his original composition,

Blood Is Destiny,
Stephen Miller.

[heavy metal plays]
Restore order,

embolden ancestors.

- Blood is destiny.
- I love you, Stephen and Dad!

- Oh, Jesus.
- Blood is destiny

Wow, available wherever
animals are tortured.

That was something.
But you know who isn't something?

Barack Hussein Obama.

I mean, this guy couldn't keep
Muslims out of his own family.

How could he keep them
out of the United States?

[man] Oh, my God.

You know the Obamas
had a dog named Bo

who would often say, "Ruff, ruff."

That's a good description of his
presidency, "Rough, rough."

He also had a dog named Sunny.
How much dog can one man eat?

[laughs] Oh!
Killing it, real Dad.

Geez, these jokes are bigly crap.
[laughter]

Crap like... me?

[laughter and applause]

Psst!
Page two!

It's hard to figure out
what's more ill-fitting ...

this suit or me as president.

[laughter and applause]

You know, I got to start
watching what I eat.

I asked my insurance agent
where I could be buried.

He started listing canyons.

[laughter]
Canyons, folks.

My kids are great. I mean,
they're not too bright, though.

The other day, I caught Don Jr.

trying to unwrap
a battery like a candy.

And he's the smart one!
[laughs weakly]

But seriously, folks,
I got to tell you.

Me and Jesus have a lot in common.

He lugged around that huge cross.

I got to lug around my huge ass.
Where's my holiday?

[laughter and applause]

So, yeah, I hate myself.

Thank you!
That's my time.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, that's pretty funny stuff.

Not only was President Trump's

White House
Correspondence Dinner speech

popular with his detractors,

it also received resounding praise

from his supporters who claim
that Trump roasted himself

far better than Obama ever did.

When we come back, my face.

Does it look the same upside-down?

Look, I got to tell you.

I've never been more proud of
how proud you guys are of me.

I'm proud of the work
we've done here today, Jared,

and the unthinkable work
that is yet to come.

Now, let's go get three beers.

And I'm driving.
I want to plow into some deer.

Hey, what was that
song about, anyway?

Where do I begin?

Okay, so, eugenics
is this emerging science.

The audience loved you.
No one can humiliate you like yourself.

It felt tremendous,
but who needs to roast Obama

when I can melt your heart?

Oh, no, Donald.
Please, don't sing song.

- I'm
- Donald.

? Showering love on you ?

[Melania] If only you slept long
enough for me to smother you.

[music]

['80s-style pop music plays]
Donald Trump is the president

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?

? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? We had a vote
and elected him president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Donald Trump ?

? He is our president ?

? We made him president ?

? We did it ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? We elected Donald Trump ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

[vocalizing] Yeah

Trump!

[rock riff plays on guitar]

Sir, it's 3 a.m.!
Can we please go home?

Hey, guitar, can they go home?

[rock riff plays on guitar]

That's a "no."

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