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???
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???
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Hannity!
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00:00:12,458 --> 00:00:14,499
We begin tonight
with a correction.
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Last week I said
the Devin Nunes memo
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is Watergate times 1,000.
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In fact, it's the asteroid
that killed the dinosaurs
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times a million.
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00:00:22,625 --> 00:00:24,833
I'm joined now by someone
whose brain is so big,
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it's choking off its own blood
supply, Donald Trump Jr.
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00:00:27,750 --> 00:00:29,833
Hello, Sean.
My father is not a racist.
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00:00:29,834 --> 00:00:31,749
When his limo drives
to JFK Airport,
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00:00:31,750 --> 00:00:34,249
it specifically goes through
black neighborhoods
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00:00:34,250 --> 00:00:35,166
to avoid traffic.
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00:00:35,166 --> 00:00:36,166
You don't hear about
that enough.
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00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:38,457
So, tell the folks
what happened
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00:00:38,458 --> 00:00:41,207
when God told Devin Nunes
to hand you the memo.
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00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,582
I thought,
"This totally vindicates
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00:00:42,583 --> 00:00:45,582
everything my father and my
entire family has ever done,"
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00:00:45,583 --> 00:00:49,833
including when I urinated from
a balcony onto a quincea�era.
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00:00:49,834 --> 00:00:50,834
What is a Spanish word
for "I am sorry"?
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There isn't one.
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00:00:53,166 --> 00:00:54,791
Now, tell the people what's
in this Devin Nunes memo.
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00:00:54,792 --> 00:00:57,290
It is three pages.
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00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,708
The main character is my dad,
and the bad guy is the FBI,
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00:01:00,709 --> 00:01:02,374
and the theme of the story,
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00:01:02,375 --> 00:01:04,040
also known as the moral
of the story,
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00:01:04,041 --> 00:01:06,749
is Devin Nunes
will say anything.
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00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:07,916
He's a good guy.
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00:01:07,917 --> 00:01:09,708
Amen.
He's like a robot butler.
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00:01:09,709 --> 00:01:11,040
Jam a key into his back
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00:01:11,041 --> 00:01:13,791
and he'll make out with a
vacuum for your entertainment.
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00:01:13,792 --> 00:01:15,791
So, Manafort's free.
Flynn's innocent.
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00:01:15,792 --> 00:01:18,207
Mueller's on the run,
and the dog's got the scent.
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00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:19,166
What's next
for Don Jr. Trump?
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00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:21,916
I don't know.
Maybe have some lunch,
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00:01:21,917 --> 00:01:22,834
figure out what the fuck
is going on
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00:01:22,835 --> 00:01:24,082
with my stock portfolio.
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00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,582
Yeah,
mine's like a trampoline
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00:01:26,583 --> 00:01:28,582
full of children
from divorced parents.
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00:01:28,583 --> 00:01:30,999
When we return,
Sebastian Gorka and I
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00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,457
will skip a Dreamer
across the Rio Grande.
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Hannity!
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???
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00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:39,749
???
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[crunch]
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???
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00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:48,749
???
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Shh.
Is everybody watching?
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00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:51,165
Shh.
Is she watching?
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00:01:51,166 --> 00:01:52,041
Shh. Are you watching?
Melania?
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00:01:52,042 --> 00:01:54,666
Don Jr.? Shh.
Are you watching?
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00:01:54,667 --> 00:01:56,082
Is everybody watching?
Shh.
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00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:57,249
[man] We now return to
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00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,999
our 12-part Fox News
special report.
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00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,916
The Trumps --
An America Family.
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00:02:01,917 --> 00:02:03,582
Who's talking? It's me!
Shh!
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00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:04,333
Donald J. Trump.
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00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:06,541
No American has accumulated
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00:02:06,542 --> 00:02:09,249
more in business, politics,
or wives,
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00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:10,874
but of all his possessions,
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00:02:10,875 --> 00:02:12,582
he is proudest
of his children.
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00:02:12,583 --> 00:02:14,332
There's Don Jr., the eldest,
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00:02:14,333 --> 00:02:16,374
whose no-frills intelligence
proved no barrier
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00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:19,749
to his acceptance
at an Ivy League university.
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00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:21,082
Not only did I get into Penn,
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00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,207
but they named a building
after me
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00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,124
before
I even got into campus.
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00:02:24,125 --> 00:02:26,624
If Don puts his mind
to it,
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00:02:26,625 --> 00:02:28,541
there's nothing
he can't receive.
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00:02:28,542 --> 00:02:29,250
[man] Then there's Ivanka.
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00:02:29,251 --> 00:02:31,124
What can be said about her
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00:02:31,125 --> 00:02:33,290
that hasn't
already been disseminated
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00:02:33,291 --> 00:02:34,791
by a public relations firm?
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00:02:34,792 --> 00:02:36,666
She's a devoted
and loving mother to her brand.
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00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:41,332
My values are American values
and the duty, love of family,
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00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:42,791
smart, good scarves,
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00:02:42,792 --> 00:02:44,457
fragrance, children,
inspiration,
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00:02:44,458 --> 00:02:47,165
and genuine human emotions
with Ivanka Trump,
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00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:49,582
soft-shell outerwear
with a belt for all.
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00:02:49,583 --> 00:02:51,416
Look,
Ivanka's got it all.
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00:02:51,417 --> 00:02:53,624
She's attractive,
beautiful, gorgeous,
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00:02:53,625 --> 00:02:55,833
not to mention
she's easy on the eyes.
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00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:56,958
[man] Then there's Eric.
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? scary music plays ?
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Hey, it's me!
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00:02:58,793 --> 00:03:00,958
Just FYI,
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00:03:00,959 --> 00:03:03,332
they had to edit down
your interview for clarity.
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00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:05,582
I am Eric, son of dad!
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00:03:05,583 --> 00:03:09,165
Um, I feel like that was
maybe taken out of context.
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00:03:09,166 --> 00:03:11,416
I like to think of my family
as a private jet.
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00:03:11,417 --> 00:03:13,332
I'm the pilot,
Ivanka's the co-pilot,
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00:03:13,333 --> 00:03:14,333
Don's bossing around
a stewardess,
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00:03:14,334 --> 00:03:17,040
and Eric is
the free pair of ear buds.
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00:03:17,041 --> 00:03:18,374
They don't work very well,
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00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:20,791
and you probably forget them
in the bathroom,
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00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:23,916
but, hey, they're not
actively harming you.
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00:03:23,917 --> 00:03:26,374
Wow! That's some family
I've got, right?
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00:03:26,375 --> 00:03:28,833
We like that, don't we?
We like that!
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00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:31,791
Let's watch it again
at twice the volume.
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00:03:31,792 --> 00:03:35,207
Dad, did you notice
something weird
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00:03:35,208 --> 00:03:37,708
about the show
last night?
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00:03:37,709 --> 00:03:40,040
Totally -- They interviewed me
for seven hours
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00:03:40,041 --> 00:03:41,624
and only used the parts of me
answering questions.
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Hello! People want to see me
being rude to the crew!
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00:03:46,375 --> 00:03:49,040
Well, I was kind of
barely in it for one,
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00:03:49,041 --> 00:03:51,374
and did you notice
the music got super scary
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00:03:51,375 --> 00:03:52,833
when they showed my face?
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00:03:52,834 --> 00:03:54,582
I don't want to be a dick,
Eric,
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00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:57,249
but it's sort of the music
that plays in my head
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when I look at your face.
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I'm sorry to interrupt
the symposium, Mr. President,
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but there is
an urgent matter.
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I thought I said
to run everything by Susan
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00:04:04,542 --> 00:04:07,124
before bringing it to me.
We know there's no Susan
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00:04:07,125 --> 00:04:09,416
and that you just made her up
to put off work.
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00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,916
Oh, that's out there?
Well, then run it by...Tammy.
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00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:13,332
Sir, there's been a mudslide
in Alaska.
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00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:16,374
Shall we load up Air Force One
with fuel?
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00:04:16,375 --> 00:04:16,750
Enhh!
And hot dogs?
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00:04:16,751 --> 00:04:19,165
Alaska, huh?
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00:04:19,166 --> 00:04:20,541
It's not really my scene.
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00:04:20,542 --> 00:04:22,582
Not a huge fan
of going place to place
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00:04:22,583 --> 00:04:25,249
wearing mittens and staring at
12 dogs's assholes.
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00:04:25,250 --> 00:04:26,833
Fifty eight people are dead.
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00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:27,792
I'm more
an 80-and-above guy.
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00:04:27,793 --> 00:04:30,249
I'd really like to get
that quote higher.
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00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:32,582
Sir.
They're white people.
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00:04:32,583 --> 00:04:34,374
[whoosh]
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00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,249
I'm just saying I'd love to
spend more time with the kids.
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Plus the military pretty much
runs the government now.
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00:04:39,792 --> 00:04:42,749
I mean, they don't even let me
come to meetings anymore.
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You are a figurehead, so you
must wave to the sick and dying.
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00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,332
I guess you're right.
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00:04:47,333 --> 00:04:49,499
The people need me folksy,
relatable presence.
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00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:52,624
Sir, the advance team
has Purelled the victims
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00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,958
and moved the eights and nines
to the front.
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00:04:54,959 --> 00:04:56,374
No tens?
Why did I even want this job?
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00:04:56,375 --> 00:04:58,749
Oh, yeah,
Obama made fun of me once.
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00:04:58,750 --> 00:05:02,290
All right, I got to walk down
these airplane stairs.
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00:05:02,291 --> 00:05:03,499
Wish me luck.
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00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:06,166
Anything happens,
tell my first wife I love her.
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00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,749
? soft music plays ?
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00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,124
? discordant music plays ?
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00:05:12,125 --> 00:05:13,290
Nope!
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00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:15,624
[over megaphone]
Wow, look at this crowd!
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00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:16,625
What is this,
80,000 people?
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00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:20,082
Sir, my wife's been missing
for 24 hours.
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00:05:20,083 --> 00:05:21,958
I've lost two wives.
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00:05:21,959 --> 00:05:23,207
So if you think about it,
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00:05:23,208 --> 00:05:25,124
I've been
twice as devastated as you.
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00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:26,916
All right,
let's get to rebuilding.
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00:05:26,917 --> 00:05:28,457
Who needs bricks
and batteries?
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00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,874
Spoiler alert --
not enough to go around.
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Here we go!
156
00:05:31,584 --> 00:05:33,749
I'd toss you guys hot dogs,
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00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,040
but what am I gonna do
the whole flight home,
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00:05:36,041 --> 00:05:37,082
eat the seats?
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00:05:37,083 --> 00:05:38,874
All right,
I've got to stop talking
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before I say something dumb.
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Oop, beep beep!
That's my ride.
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? dramatic music plays ?
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00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:45,834
[woman] Fuck you!
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00:05:45,835 --> 00:05:48,666
???
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00:05:48,667 --> 00:05:50,499
It's unbelievable.
The victims have it so good.
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00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:53,416
I mean, I have to travel
hundreds of miles,
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00:05:53,417 --> 00:05:55,332
but they live
right at the disaster.
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00:05:55,333 --> 00:05:57,874
I mean, the commute barely
leaves me time to watch TV
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00:05:57,875 --> 00:05:59,541
then thrash in bed
till 4 a.m.,
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let alone spend time
with my family.
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00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:02,708
Just send someone else.
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00:06:02,709 --> 00:06:04,833
What's the point
of surviving a disaster
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00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:06,916
if you don't get to meet me
afterwards?
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00:06:06,917 --> 00:06:09,499
[imitating Donald Trump]
Hey, loser, you're fired.
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00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:11,874
[imitating Donald Trump]
I'm Donald the Trump,
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00:06:11,875 --> 00:06:13,040
and I'm President
of the United States.
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00:06:13,041 --> 00:06:15,040
[laughter]
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00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,874
[laughs]
It's like everyone is you.
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00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:19,207
They're like, [deep voice]
"Bigly, tremendous."
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00:06:19,208 --> 00:06:20,541
[normal voice] You know?
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00:06:20,542 --> 00:06:21,624
Hey, Melania.
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00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:24,499
I bet these impersonators
would love to spend time
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00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:27,374
with people traumatized
by natural disasters.
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00:06:27,375 --> 00:06:29,958
[man] Donald Trump Jr.?
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00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,708
Oh, hell yeah?
You've been served.
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00:06:31,709 --> 00:06:34,040
Sick! That's, like,
my millionth subpoenas.
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00:06:34,041 --> 00:06:36,082
Mueller is totally obsessed
with me.
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00:06:36,083 --> 00:06:37,874
Closed session?
What a stalker.
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00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,624
Why don't I ever get
investigated?
190
00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:40,583
It's, like,
n-nobody even notices
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00:06:40,584 --> 00:06:43,374
all the undeclared fruits
and vegetables
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00:06:43,375 --> 00:06:45,040
that I bring
into the country.
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00:06:45,041 --> 00:06:47,165
???
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00:06:47,166 --> 00:06:50,457
Look, I've decided to take
much-needed family time
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00:06:50,458 --> 00:06:53,791
and offload some lighter
presidential responsibilities,
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00:06:53,792 --> 00:06:57,708
namely offering any emotional
support to this country.
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00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,374
We knew
this day would come.
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00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:02,958
That being said, I'd prefer
not to take any shit for it,
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00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:04,457
so I need decoys, people.
200
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,416
McMasters,
tell them the plan.
201
00:07:06,417 --> 00:07:08,165
S.E.A.L. teams
and unmanned drones
202
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,916
will surveil every comic club,
amateur YouTube channel,
203
00:07:10,917 --> 00:07:12,499
and funny uncle's
birthday party
204
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,332
to find any American with
a passable Trump impersonation.
205
00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:16,749
And, sir, just so you know,
206
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:20,290
[imitating Donald Trump poorly]
I do a tremendous Trump.
207
00:07:20,291 --> 00:07:21,791
Keep looking,
and I'm not against
208
00:07:21,792 --> 00:07:23,165
bringing back the draft
for this.
209
00:07:23,166 --> 00:07:25,249
Sir, one hiccup.
210
00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,457
We sort of double-booked
S.E.A.L. Team 6.
211
00:07:26,458 --> 00:07:29,499
They're en route
to capture al Baghdadi.
212
00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:31,416
Turn them around.
213
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:34,165
Do you guys get a bonus for
every terrorist you capture?
214
00:07:34,166 --> 00:07:36,541
Don't make me question
whether you can handle this.
215
00:07:36,542 --> 00:07:37,916
Don't worry,
we'll find your impersonators.
216
00:07:37,917 --> 00:07:40,374
Hmm.
217
00:07:40,375 --> 00:07:41,333
"Wanted: Trump Impersonators,
218
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:43,791
Thirty five bucks a day,
219
00:07:43,792 --> 00:07:46,124
must provide own fat suit or be
fat," and post!
220
00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:49,624
[computer chiming]
221
00:07:49,625 --> 00:07:52,750
Bingo.
[computer chiming rapidly]
222
00:07:54,792 --> 00:07:58,165
All right,
you beautiful presidents.
223
00:07:58,166 --> 00:08:02,124
This will be the hardest
three days of your life.
224
00:08:02,125 --> 00:08:04,207
You will not laugh,
you will not cry,
225
00:08:04,208 --> 00:08:06,833
you will not sleep
more than three hours a night.
226
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:07,709
You will not
finish a thought
227
00:08:07,710 --> 00:08:10,124
before starting
your next thought.
228
00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:11,083
This one time in 1995,
229
00:08:11,084 --> 00:08:12,624
I was at the George magazine
launch party,
230
00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:15,791
and Mort Zuckerman
had something in his teeth,
231
00:08:15,792 --> 00:08:16,958
you wouldn't believe it.
232
00:08:16,959 --> 00:08:19,207
I mean, it looked like
a whole tree in there.
233
00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,833
The first and last words
out of your mouth should be,
234
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,708
"Believe me,"
you hear me?
235
00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:25,958
[all] Believe me,
we hear you, believe me.
236
00:08:25,959 --> 00:08:28,999
Now drop and brag about
how many pushups you can do.
237
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,000
More than you,
that's for sure.
238
00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:32,416
No one did pushups
before I did pushups.
239
00:08:32,417 --> 00:08:33,457
Infinity pushups.
240
00:08:33,458 --> 00:08:35,332
???
241
00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:36,333
I know I missed
a lot of your births,
242
00:08:36,334 --> 00:08:38,499
but now I can finally be
243
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:39,833
the family man I always
claimed I wanted to be
244
00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:43,249
and spend more time with you.
[laughing] Hell yeah!
245
00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:45,541
That's wonderful, Daddy.
Did I do something wrong?
246
00:08:45,542 --> 00:08:47,207
Okay, look.
First thing's first,
247
00:08:47,208 --> 00:08:49,082
we're gonna have
a nice family dinner,
248
00:08:49,083 --> 00:08:50,582
and don't even think
about paying
249
00:08:50,583 --> 00:08:51,666
because this one's
on the taxpayers.
250
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:55,124
We're gonna do it up nice
with all the classics --
251
00:08:55,125 --> 00:08:57,708
hot dogs,
miniature hot dogs,
252
00:08:57,709 --> 00:09:00,165
footlong hot dogs,
chili dogs,
253
00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:01,499
cheese dogs,
Chicago-style dogs,
254
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:05,124
boiled dogs,
little weenies on a stick,
255
00:09:05,125 --> 00:09:06,708
pigs in a blanket,
everything!
256
00:09:06,709 --> 00:09:08,999
Sliced hot dogs,
Kosher hot dogs,
257
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,499
plus one, big hot dog
we can all take a picture with.
258
00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:15,624
Sweet! I'm jacked!
Vanessa's gonna be so excited!
259
00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:17,165
Who's Vanessa?
My wife.
260
00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:19,958
Oh, no, no, I'm not learning
new names tonight.
261
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,791
???
262
00:09:21,792 --> 00:09:24,749
What do we call
non-Norwegian countries?
263
00:09:24,750 --> 00:09:25,833
[all] Shitholes!
264
00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:27,708
What's our nation's
biggest threat?
265
00:09:27,709 --> 00:09:30,124
Guatemalan toddlers!
266
00:09:30,125 --> 00:09:32,541
Dad, I don't care
what you say,
267
00:09:32,542 --> 00:09:34,624
but I want to learn
to be more like you.
268
00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:36,290
I, Eric A. Trump --
269
00:09:36,291 --> 00:09:37,624
"A" as in avocado --
270
00:09:37,625 --> 00:09:40,040
am going to join
the impersonators.
271
00:09:40,041 --> 00:09:42,040
I don't have a problem
with this at all.
272
00:09:42,041 --> 00:09:43,457
I can get sent anywhere.
Okay.
273
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:46,791
For G-God knows how long.
Great.
274
00:09:46,792 --> 00:09:48,582
It could be dangerous!
Right.
275
00:09:48,583 --> 00:09:51,082
You might never s-see me
again!!
276
00:09:51,083 --> 00:09:54,040
Jesus, Eric, stop drilling.
You hit oil.
277
00:09:54,041 --> 00:09:55,666
[President Trump]
Lift, bite, chew, swallow.
278
00:09:55,667 --> 00:09:59,290
Lift, bite, chew, swallow.
[vomits]
279
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:01,666
What is your tremendous
malfunction, son?!
280
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,416
Your ass can't make it
through
281
00:10:03,417 --> 00:10:05,124
one measly 24-piece
tailgate meal?!
282
00:10:05,125 --> 00:10:05,917
Sorry.
283
00:10:05,918 --> 00:10:08,958
Because of
Princess Eric here,
284
00:10:08,959 --> 00:10:10,749
you've lost
your chewing privileges, folks!
285
00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:14,291
Lift, bite, swallow!
Lift, bite, swallow!
286
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,791
Ted Cruz!
Ugh!
287
00:10:19,792 --> 00:10:21,582
Good as always to see you,
Donald.
288
00:10:21,583 --> 00:10:23,749
What are you doing in there,
Ted?
289
00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:26,457
What am I doing? What's all
these white triangles?
290
00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:28,749
Is it a hat? Are these
little holes for my ears?
291
00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:29,999
I like 'em!
Could you --
292
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,999
Just get to the part
where this is over.
293
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,374
[laughs]
294
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:35,582
It's been a closely held secret
that I covet the presidency,
295
00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:38,332
and I can't think
of a better way
296
00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:39,916
to show I'm the man
for the job
297
00:10:39,917 --> 00:10:42,749
than by dressing up and
impersonating the current one.
298
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:43,874
[clears throat]
299
00:10:43,875 --> 00:10:47,749
Hello, it's me, Donald J. Trump,
the apprentice!
300
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:49,666
No.
I do other impressions.
301
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:51,457
How about
Back to the Future?
302
00:10:51,458 --> 00:10:53,040
Please don't.
Zoom zoom.
303
00:10:53,041 --> 00:10:54,624
Eighty eight miles an hours,
here I go!
304
00:10:54,625 --> 00:10:56,749
That's plenty.
I do a terrific Gollum.
305
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:58,416
No.
Give me that ring back.
306
00:10:58,417 --> 00:11:00,416
Somebody's got my ring!
Stop.
307
00:11:00,417 --> 00:11:02,958
Got to go get it!
I love my precious ring.
308
00:11:02,959 --> 00:11:04,874
Hobbit, hobbit, hobbit.
Ted Cruz!
309
00:11:04,875 --> 00:11:07,999
Stand there! Stand there!
Stand there! Stand there!
310
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:13,582
You know, I could go a lot
faster if I just walked up it.
311
00:11:13,583 --> 00:11:16,916
The only time Donald Trump walks
is to get to an escalator!
312
00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:18,666
Now, do you want to be
Donald Trump,
313
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:20,874
or do you want to be Eric?
314
00:11:20,875 --> 00:11:22,624
D-Donald Trump!
Then open your pie hole,
315
00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:24,916
insert pie,
and start acting like it!
316
00:11:24,917 --> 00:11:27,416
[President Trump]
Lift, bite, swallow, thigh.
317
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:28,417
Lift, bite, swallow, wing.
318
00:11:28,418 --> 00:11:31,958
Lift, bite, swallow, breast.
319
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,999
Disgusting. Nice work.
320
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,833
[stopwatch ticking]
321
00:11:36,834 --> 00:11:37,834
That's impossible!
322
00:11:37,835 --> 00:11:39,582
Only a cheetah can ride
a escalator that fast.
323
00:11:39,583 --> 00:11:42,332
This is
your final test.
324
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:44,374
Scale the wall,
cross the moat,
325
00:11:44,375 --> 00:11:47,541
then crawl under the wire
with live machine-gun fire.
326
00:11:47,542 --> 00:11:49,374
Sir, I need to be excused.
327
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,040
I have bone spurs.
328
00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:52,749
What did you just say?
329
00:11:52,750 --> 00:11:55,040
Bone spurs.
Got 'em bad.
330
00:11:55,041 --> 00:11:56,457
I see.
331
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:59,290
Anyone else here
have bone spurs?
332
00:11:59,291 --> 00:12:02,541
???
333
00:12:02,542 --> 00:12:04,207
Congratulations,
gentlemen.
334
00:12:04,208 --> 00:12:08,999
? Let's make impulsive choices
and lift up wealthy voices ?
335
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:14,708
? Hail to thee,
our Donald Trump ?
336
00:12:14,709 --> 00:12:18,290
We really did a great job.
Unbelievable!
337
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:20,165
He's graduating
with straight tens,
338
00:12:20,166 --> 00:12:22,749
voted most likely
to hire a professional wrestler
339
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:24,499
to pose
as his personal physician,
340
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,708
and served as captain
of the war widow debate team.
341
00:12:27,709 --> 00:12:30,416
Please welcome
your valedictorian,
342
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:35,290
Eriiiic Truuuump!
[cheering]
343
00:12:35,291 --> 00:12:38,416
[crying] Hey, nobody cry
while he's talking.
344
00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:39,749
[sobbing]
345
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:41,999
Webster's dictionary
defines Donald Trump
346
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,958
as the 45th President
to the United States.
347
00:12:44,959 --> 00:12:46,207
Eric, you're so cool!
348
00:12:46,208 --> 00:12:49,082
But we're not just people
who pretend to be the president,
349
00:12:49,083 --> 00:12:50,582
we're also people
who pretend to be my dad.
350
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:53,708
All right, let's go party
351
00:12:53,709 --> 00:12:56,374
with a weird smattering
of desperate celebrities!
352
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:59,416
[cheering]
353
00:12:59,417 --> 00:13:01,624
As we all know,
so that I may avoid
354
00:13:01,625 --> 00:13:03,416
the gross part
of being president,
355
00:13:03,417 --> 00:13:05,416
Eric and his unit
will deploy
356
00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:08,207
for their assignments
as Trump impersonators.
357
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:11,666
So, if there's anything you want
to say to him, say it now.
358
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:14,833
Eric, you inspire me
and mothers like me.
359
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:17,124
You go, girl.
Lean in.
360
00:13:17,125 --> 00:13:19,916
Dear Eric, I used to think
you couldn't do jack shit.
361
00:13:19,917 --> 00:13:22,541
But now I see that you can
actually do shit.
362
00:13:22,542 --> 00:13:24,165
I'm gonna, like,
miss you and shit.
363
00:13:24,166 --> 00:13:25,624
You're more than
my brother now.
364
00:13:25,625 --> 00:13:28,374
You're also my dad.
[laughs]
365
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,499
[crying] Oh, shit, man.
366
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,749
You made my eyes gay!
367
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:35,499
Fuck you, Eric!
I love you.
368
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:37,999
Nobody look at me.
369
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:38,959
Bye-bye, Eric.
370
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,958
Well, I guess this is it.
371
00:13:40,959 --> 00:13:43,124
I'm assigned to work
in the White House,
372
00:13:43,125 --> 00:13:44,875
so I'm gonna head in.
373
00:13:48,625 --> 00:13:51,624
For something so big,
"bus" is such a short name.
374
00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:54,040
Hey, you guys remember
when I wasn't crying before?
375
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:55,749
[McMasters]
All right, gentlemen,
376
00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,499
we got one Trump in Oklahoma
observing tornado wreckage.
377
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,165
One's at a shooting range
finding judicial nominees.
378
00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:02,999
One is accusing Robert Mueller
of being a child molester.
379
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,999
And the rest are screaming
at televisions.
380
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,082
What about Eric?
381
00:14:07,083 --> 00:14:09,249
Did you give him something easy
to get his feet wet?
382
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:11,666
Sir, I found the best way
to teach a man to swim
383
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:12,625
is to pump his stomach
full of nickels
384
00:14:12,626 --> 00:14:14,749
and throw him in the ocean.
385
00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:16,124
[Xi] [speaking Chinese]
386
00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:19,499
[female interpreter]
Our two countries are engaged
387
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,165
in practical
economic cooperation
388
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:23,666
and giving concrete expression
to building mutually beneficial
389
00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:26,124
international relations.
390
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:27,083
Mr. Trump?
391
00:14:27,084 --> 00:14:29,332
Um...
This isn't working.
392
00:14:29,333 --> 00:14:29,917
It's tranquilizer time.
393
00:14:29,918 --> 00:14:32,165
Cock it, but don't fire.
394
00:14:32,166 --> 00:14:33,249
[heart beating quickly]
395
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:34,166
Do you want to be
Donald Trump
396
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:39,374
or Eric
whatever your last name is?
397
00:14:39,375 --> 00:14:43,165
One time in 1995, I was at the
George magazine launch party,
398
00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:46,874
and Mort Zuckerman had something
in his teeth.
399
00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:49,374
It looked like a whole tree
in there.
400
00:14:49,375 --> 00:14:53,874
But, uh, I-I told him
because he's my buddy,
401
00:14:53,875 --> 00:14:55,040
and communication
is the basis of talking.
402
00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:58,249
Like, if my brother
and I are mad at each other,
403
00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:00,541
we always talk it out
before we go to sleep.
404
00:15:00,542 --> 00:15:03,041
That way we don't keep fighting
in our dreams.
405
00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:06,332
[speaking Chinese]
406
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:08,999
[female interpreter] Our
nations, too, will be brothers
407
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,499
and form a sacred bond
of understanding and respect.
408
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,124
Jesus Christ, he's got it.
[cheers and applause]
409
00:15:14,125 --> 00:15:16,916
Why aren't you crying, Kelly?
What are you made of, Tank?
410
00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:18,207
Lot of news to get to.
411
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,374
A rare win
for the Trump administration,
412
00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:22,624
but first September 1995,
413
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:25,124
New York, Manhattan.
414
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,457
JFK Jr.,
son of President Kennedy
415
00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:30,749
and his wife, Jacqueline,
has started George magazine.
416
00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:32,916
They're having a launch party.
Remember that.
417
00:15:32,917 --> 00:15:35,332
Now, four billion years
earlier,
418
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:37,999
explosion of biological
diversity leads to trees.
419
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,290
Little trees, big trees,
like those seen here.
420
00:15:40,291 --> 00:15:42,082
I think those are firs.
421
00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:44,082
Fast forward to 1937,
422
00:15:44,083 --> 00:15:46,916
Mortimer Benjamin
"Mort" Zuckerman is born.
423
00:15:46,917 --> 00:15:49,582
He grows teeth, loses those,
424
00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:51,624
grows an adult set,
lots of teeth.
425
00:15:51,625 --> 00:15:53,416
At the George magazine
launch party,
426
00:15:53,417 --> 00:15:57,582
a man notices that Mort
has something in his teeth
427
00:15:57,583 --> 00:16:00,958
so large
that it looks like a tree.
428
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:04,124
But before we say
who that man is,
429
00:16:04,125 --> 00:16:05,749
let's talk about Pangaea.
430
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:07,582
[gunshots]
All right, family dinner.
431
00:16:07,583 --> 00:16:08,958
We better have a nice,
natural conversation
432
00:16:08,959 --> 00:16:11,749
considering
I've put the full weight
433
00:16:11,750 --> 00:16:13,332
of the largest military
on Earth
434
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:15,040
into hiring impersonators
for me.
435
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,124
Melania,
how was your day?
436
00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:20,124
Well, I woke up, I got coffee.
Uh-huh.
437
00:16:20,125 --> 00:16:22,457
I put the little white sands
in the coffee.
438
00:16:22,458 --> 00:16:24,666
Keep going.
I said hello to the army man,
439
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:26,124
I said, "I'm the First Lady."
Love it.
440
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:28,207
Then I went and did my crying.
Sure.
441
00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:31,457
Then lunch, today it was soup.
So great, honey.
442
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:34,624
Then more crying, then Ellen.
Uh-huh. Don?
443
00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:35,749
All right, so I've been
444
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:37,624
really reevaluating shit lately.
Uh-huh.
445
00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:38,958
Like, I've been doing
this whole real-estate,
446
00:16:38,959 --> 00:16:41,541
politics thing like forever.
Wow.
447
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:42,458
I think because,
you know,
448
00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:43,708
it was easy.
Totally.
449
00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:44,625
And then this morning,
450
00:16:44,626 --> 00:16:46,958
I heard Brad flipped his ATV.
Love it.
451
00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:47,999
And now he's gone.
And I'm like,
452
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,499
"Whoa. Life is short."
Uh-huh.
453
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:51,333
And I never stopped
to think,
454
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:53,582
"Is this what I want to do?"
Sure.
455
00:16:53,583 --> 00:16:56,165
Anyway, I think skiing
might be my passion.
456
00:16:56,166 --> 00:16:57,833
Are you even listening?!
Uh-huh.
457
00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,666
Oh, yeah? Then what
was I talking about?
458
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:00,417
Ellen died.
459
00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:03,499
What?
I just saw her today.
460
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,958
[crying] Ellen,
take me with you!
461
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:06,959
You're a dick, Dad!
462
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,749
[crying]
His name was Brad.
463
00:17:08,750 --> 00:17:12,332
Say his name!
[sobbing]
464
00:17:12,333 --> 00:17:13,416
Oh, shit, man.
465
00:17:13,417 --> 00:17:15,249
Brad was only 38.
466
00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:17,874
Just a kid like me!
467
00:17:17,875 --> 00:17:20,124
I must never forget
this isn't normal.
468
00:17:20,125 --> 00:17:21,290
What's so important?
469
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,374
I thought I told you
470
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,082
never to disturb me
for any reason whatsoever.
471
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:27,124
I'm sorry, sir,
it's the impersonators.
472
00:17:27,125 --> 00:17:29,290
They're...
gah, how do you say this?
473
00:17:29,291 --> 00:17:30,250
They're working!
474
00:17:30,251 --> 00:17:32,040
One is shaking hands
with poor people,
475
00:17:32,041 --> 00:17:34,040
another one
gave a coherent speech,
476
00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:36,165
and get this,
your approval rating?
477
00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:39,040
It skyrocketed to 40%!
Forty percent?
478
00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:41,374
So people like the mes
that aren't me?
479
00:17:41,375 --> 00:17:44,666
I don't know how this me
feels about those thems.
480
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:46,207
What do you think,
Stephen Miller?
481
00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:48,833
Sir, this is the wrong way
to go about this.
482
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:52,708
If we want more of you,
then we need more of you.
483
00:17:52,709 --> 00:17:54,457
[chuckles]
All I need is a cheek swab,
484
00:17:54,458 --> 00:17:58,207
sterile turkey baster, and coven
of ovulating lesbian hyenas
485
00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:00,332
to create a horde
of Trump super-beasts
486
00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:02,999
that will reign terror --
Okay, thanks, Stevie.
487
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,582
Thank you, sir.
Yes, done talking.
488
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:05,708
What were you saying,
McMasters?
489
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:09,082
The impersonators
have made you more popular.
490
00:18:09,083 --> 00:18:11,541
That would imply that
I have room for improvement,
491
00:18:11,542 --> 00:18:12,958
that I'm flawed,
like Eric.
492
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,791
Sir, I know
you don't want to hear this,
493
00:18:14,792 --> 00:18:16,582
but Eric is kind of
a great president.
494
00:18:16,583 --> 00:18:19,833
Did you know, sir, that he can
think words without saying them?
495
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,290
But Eric
can't do anything well!
496
00:18:21,291 --> 00:18:23,624
He didn't even learn to walk
until he was seven.
497
00:18:23,625 --> 00:18:25,916
And even then
it was more of an upright crawl.
498
00:18:25,917 --> 00:18:28,416
Sir?
I'll take my hot dogs alone.
499
00:18:28,417 --> 00:18:31,207
[President Trump] How could you
excel at something
500
00:18:31,208 --> 00:18:32,249
on your own merit?
501
00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,457
It's not how I paid people
to raise you.
502
00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:37,416
Sorry that President Xi
actually appreciates me
503
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:41,708
and the way I open my mouth not
just to speak, but to listen.
504
00:18:41,709 --> 00:18:42,916
Well,
I miss the old Eric
505
00:18:42,917 --> 00:18:45,374
who never undermined me
by being good at things.
506
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,249
The old Eric would've met
President Xi wearing one sock
507
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,958
with his breath
reeking of crickets.
508
00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:52,624
Then maybe
I'm not a Trump!
509
00:18:52,625 --> 00:18:55,874
What else?
510
00:18:55,875 --> 00:18:56,792
[scoffs] Come on, guys.
511
00:18:56,793 --> 00:18:58,207
Let's bomb over
to Brad's after-funeral.
512
00:18:58,208 --> 00:19:00,749
I heard some dude
with a ponytail
513
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:01,999
is trying to fight everyone.
514
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,958
? slow music plays ?
515
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:06,791
???
516
00:19:06,792 --> 00:19:09,416
???
517
00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:12,582
[knocking on door]
[Cruz] Honk honk, zoom zoom!
518
00:19:12,583 --> 00:19:14,791
It's the car
from Back to the Future!
519
00:19:14,792 --> 00:19:17,999
Just kidding,
it's Ted Cruz!
520
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,249
I heard you're
one impersonator short,
521
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:22,290
and if I'm going to take up
the mantle,
522
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,374
I've got to get to know
the real Donald
523
00:19:24,375 --> 00:19:27,290
after he's kicked off his boots
and gotten his Roku on.
524
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:28,666
[President Trump] You're lucky
I've lost touch with my family
525
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:32,541
and I'm desperate for even the
lowest form of human contact.
526
00:19:32,542 --> 00:19:36,207
So much great content coming out
of Hollyweird right now.
527
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:39,165
Let's see what they got
in the way of independent dramas
528
00:19:39,166 --> 00:19:40,708
with a strong female lead.
529
00:19:40,709 --> 00:19:42,082
Speaking of strong females,
530
00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:44,165
I like it when a lady stomps
her high heel on my coin purse.
531
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:46,541
Would that
be in character, Don?
532
00:19:46,542 --> 00:19:49,290
Ooh, Riverdale!
Hearing great buzz around that.
533
00:19:49,291 --> 00:19:52,124
Buzz buzz! There's also buzz
that you like to be spanked
534
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,040
with a copy
of Forbes magazine.
535
00:19:54,041 --> 00:19:57,332
Now, I like a lady to beat me
senseless with a National Review
536
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:58,791
while I beg her to stop!
537
00:19:58,792 --> 00:19:59,833
Whoo!
Grace and Frankie!
538
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:02,332
Two iconoclasts making their way
around San Diego.
539
00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:05,999
I also enjoy the occasional
punch in the butthole!
540
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,499
Whoo!
Better Call Saul!
541
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:13,374
Thanks for letting me stay here
while I figure out my identity.
542
00:20:13,375 --> 00:20:17,624
Trump, or Eric, or just a weird
guy who lives in a cabin.
543
00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:21,624
Please consider the Pence home
your personal sanctuary.
544
00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:25,374
Before we crack open some
tall, frosty Hawaiian Punches,
545
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:28,249
you should be aware
the Pence house has rules.
546
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:29,749
Absolutely no swearing,
547
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,207
and the includes "cheese"
and "I cheesed."
548
00:20:32,208 --> 00:20:33,457
That's fine.
549
00:20:33,458 --> 00:20:35,040
What's the deal
with the painting?
550
00:20:35,041 --> 00:20:38,332
It's a laundry basket that
was in the family for years,
551
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:40,374
but she's no longer
with us.
552
00:20:40,375 --> 00:20:43,040
Our sweet,
determined kitty got to it.
553
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:43,917
That cheese-faced cat!
554
00:20:43,918 --> 00:20:46,791
Michael!
Shame on you.
555
00:20:46,792 --> 00:20:50,082
And now the basket's buried
in the backyard with cousin Dan.
556
00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,499
Cousin Dan?
557
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,999
That's what we called
our other laundry basket.
558
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,165
It got struck by a car
going 50 in a 55.
559
00:20:57,166 --> 00:20:59,332
Hit and run.
What kind of monster
560
00:20:59,333 --> 00:21:01,416
hits a laundry basket
and doesn't stop?
561
00:21:01,417 --> 00:21:04,374
Karen, where's
that Hawaiian Punch?!
562
00:21:04,375 --> 00:21:06,791
? soft music plays ?
563
00:21:06,792 --> 00:21:08,624
[thunder crashes]
564
00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:12,624
Three minutes with the Pences
taught me one thing.
565
00:21:12,625 --> 00:21:15,249
I cannot escape
that I am a Trump.
566
00:21:15,250 --> 00:21:17,374
I must face my destiny,
567
00:21:17,375 --> 00:21:20,499
gather my brethren,
and claim what is ours.
568
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:23,791
And the best part
is I can leave on the diaper,
569
00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:26,124
throw on my clothes,
and go right back to work
570
00:21:26,125 --> 00:21:28,249
for the American people
and none's the wiser.
571
00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:29,457
Ooh, Stranger Things.
572
00:21:29,458 --> 00:21:31,916
Mr. President,
you need to follow me
573
00:21:31,917 --> 00:21:33,207
to the situation room.
It doesn't matter, let's go.
574
00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:35,499
The impersonators
have become
575
00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:37,624
a roving band
of sloth-like fatties, sir,
576
00:21:37,625 --> 00:21:40,499
hiring and suing other Trump
impersonators to join them.
577
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,332
They're so deep
in character, sir,
578
00:21:42,333 --> 00:21:44,124
they've come
to the White House
579
00:21:44,125 --> 00:21:46,082
to claim the presidency
as their own.
580
00:21:46,083 --> 00:21:48,499
There's only one way
to stop 'em.
581
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,417
Burn the White House
to the ground.
582
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:54,874
Any other ideas?
583
00:21:54,875 --> 00:21:57,708
We can do what we usually do --
extrajudicial killings --
584
00:21:57,709 --> 00:22:00,165
I mean murder --
I mean targeted drone strike!
585
00:22:00,166 --> 00:22:02,416
Ooh, drones?
That sounds good.
586
00:22:02,417 --> 00:22:04,833
Let's get --
-Wait, Dad. Look!
587
00:22:04,834 --> 00:22:06,874
Don't kill Eric.
He'll be super pissed.
588
00:22:06,875 --> 00:22:09,290
It's off-brand.
589
00:22:09,291 --> 00:22:12,290
[all] Bigly. Tremendous!
Mort Zuckerman.
590
00:22:12,291 --> 00:22:13,833
Super huge!
591
00:22:13,834 --> 00:22:16,958
Okay, Eric,
it's time to come home.
592
00:22:16,959 --> 00:22:18,207
You made whatever
the hell your point is.
593
00:22:18,208 --> 00:22:21,833
Fake news!
I'm the president.
594
00:22:21,834 --> 00:22:24,332
Believe me.
We're all the president.
595
00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:26,791
Believe us.
Bigly, tremendous.
596
00:22:26,792 --> 00:22:28,833
None of you
are Donald Trump!
597
00:22:28,834 --> 00:22:30,749
I am the only Donald Trump
598
00:22:30,750 --> 00:22:35,624
because I'm the only person
here who is Eric's father.
599
00:22:35,625 --> 00:22:39,249
And you are Eric, son of Dad.
600
00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:41,666
Someone very smart once said
that if we're mad at each other,
601
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:45,374
we should always talk it out
before going to sleep
602
00:22:45,375 --> 00:22:47,082
so that we don't keep fighting
in our dreams.
603
00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:49,874
Wait, I said that.
604
00:22:49,875 --> 00:22:52,082
Well, I mean, you were dressed
as me,
605
00:22:52,083 --> 00:22:54,082
so technically,
I said it.
606
00:22:54,083 --> 00:22:57,207
? emotional music plays ?
607
00:22:57,208 --> 00:23:00,958
[gunshots, shouting]
608
00:23:00,959 --> 00:23:05,249
???
609
00:23:05,250 --> 00:23:06,541
I'm never gonna try
to impress you again.
610
00:23:06,542 --> 00:23:09,499
And I'll never try
to be a loving father
611
00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:11,624
unless there's
an obvious benefit for me.
612
00:23:11,625 --> 00:23:13,332
Mr. President,
guess what?
613
00:23:13,333 --> 00:23:16,207
I got your white triangles
two-steppin' on my taint.
614
00:23:16,208 --> 00:23:18,791
What do I have to do
to get rid of you freaks?!
615
00:23:18,792 --> 00:23:21,332
I wouldn't mind
the 35 bucks you owe us.
616
00:23:21,333 --> 00:23:23,374
Sure, we'll cut the check
right away.
617
00:23:23,375 --> 00:23:25,124
Fire up the drones.
618
00:23:25,125 --> 00:23:27,165
???
619
00:23:27,166 --> 00:23:29,124
I'm glad you're back
to being Eric, Eric.
620
00:23:29,125 --> 00:23:31,499
Hey, Dad, are you gonna,
like, get in trouble
621
00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:32,624
for killing those dudes?
622
00:23:32,625 --> 00:23:35,165
We'll be fine.
Drone strikes are bipartisan.
623
00:23:35,166 --> 00:23:36,958
Obama actually called
to congratulate me.
624
00:23:36,959 --> 00:23:39,290
[Eric] Really?
625
00:23:39,291 --> 00:23:40,582
You know, drones
usually blast people apart,
626
00:23:40,583 --> 00:23:43,040
but they brought us
together!
627
00:23:43,041 --> 00:23:46,082
???
628
00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:47,249
? rock music plays ?
629
00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:49,582
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
630
00:23:49,583 --> 00:23:54,082
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
631
00:23:54,083 --> 00:23:56,499
? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?
632
00:23:56,500 --> 00:23:57,874
? Yes, he is ?
633
00:23:57,875 --> 00:24:01,082
? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?
634
00:24:01,083 --> 00:24:03,749
? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?
635
00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:05,165
? Yes, he is ?
636
00:24:05,166 --> 00:24:08,207
? We had a vote
and elected him president ?
637
00:24:08,208 --> 00:24:12,999
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
638
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,249
???
639
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:17,124
? Donald Trump ?
640
00:24:17,125 --> 00:24:20,582
? He is our president ?
641
00:24:20,583 --> 00:24:24,040
? We made him president ?
642
00:24:24,041 --> 00:24:26,332
? We did it ?
643
00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:29,290
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
644
00:24:29,291 --> 00:24:33,332
? We elected Donald Trump ?
645
00:24:33,333 --> 00:24:36,833
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
646
00:24:36,834 --> 00:24:40,457
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
647
00:24:40,458 --> 00:24:43,958
? Yeah ?
648
00:24:43,959 --> 00:24:45,250
Trump!
649
00:24:57,041 --> 00:24:58,125
???
650
00:24:58,175 --> 00:25:02,725
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