All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e01 State of the Union.eng

And now a message
from our cartoon president.

My fellow Americans

and temporarily unfurloughed
nonessential

federal dead weight,

we are one year
into my presidency,

and it's time to finally admit
I am absolutely crushing it.

These past few weeks alone, I've
achieved headlines with words

like "porn star," "shithole,"
and "cognitive function."

It's Showtime. I mean,
I can say "shithole," right?

Can I say [bleep] [bleep]

No? We found the line
for season one!

So, how did I do it?

Well, for one, everyone knows my
brain has great bone structure.

My doctor said
that my I.Q. was 180/90.

He said I'm so smart

that he doesn't know
how my organs function.

I mean, I was a great athlete.

The Yankees wanted me to sign,

but I was in talks
with the Knicks,

which broke down because, how do
you say no to the Yankees?

One time,
Steinbrenner's having a party,

and Don King walks in
with Roger Ailes

and two of the hottest,
youngest pieces of --

So, why is this show
called Our Cartoon President?

No one knows.

But I'd like to think
that it's because we're all

in this together, folks.

Each and every one of you voted
for me, and the ones who didn't,

you kind of wanted to see
what would happen,

and it's happening more
than you could have imagined.

Now, some are worried that
this show might humanize me.

Well, too late, folks.

After my recent physical,
Dr. Ronny assured me

that I am a human being
and there's no cure for that.

I'm also our cartoon president,

and our show --
but really mine -- begins now.

[inhales deeply]

[straining]

[clears throat]

??

? solemn music plays ?

??

[woman] President Trump
enters this beautiful day

with a historically low
approval rating.

[President Trump]
Fake news. According to --

[man] ...widely reviled...
Fake news.

[man #2]
...bad president... Fake news.

[woman #2] ...piece of shit...
Fake news.

[man #3] Temperature today --
38, which is still higher

than the president's
approval rating.

Fake weather.
Tomorrow's --

? upbeat music plays ?

Okay, Fox & Friends,
I'm ready.

? Three white people
on a couch ?

? It's Fox & Friends ?

Welcome to
"Fox & Friends."

It's 6:00 a.m.,
and, Mr. President,

rise and shine,
and I love you.

I don't know what it is.

There's just something
about this show.

Big week
at the White House.

First,
the State of the Union address,

delivered before
a joint session of Congress

broadcast to the eyes
of the nation.

Sucks for whoever booked
that gig.

And that will be delivered
by none other

than
President Donald Trump.

And we're also celebrating

the president's
upcoming wedding anniversary.

Maybe if I'm quiet enough
she'll sleep through it.

Oh, Donald.
Damn it!

When you dragged me here
from New York, I was sad,

but every year,
your anniversary gifts remind me

that behind the suit
the size of a beach cabana,

there's
a blue-cheese-obstructed heart.

That's why this year
I'm giving you

the most tremendous
anniversary gift yet.

You're gonna love it
even better

than taking you
horse hunting.

Really?
You promise?

Hey, I didn't get
three women to marry me

by breaking promises.

??

Why are you looking at me?

There's a TV in the room.

Here's what
I don't understand.

Why do
they get Hanukkah off,

but I have to go to work on
President Trump's anniversary?

? mid-tempo music plays ?

And then Hillary called me
to concede,

and it was official --

I had won the presidency.

And that's the daily recap
of the 2016 election.

Moving on to top stories.

A new Quinnipiac poll
shows you've cut

much of the excess fat
from your approval ratings.

I mean, you got
to love an approval rating

that's nice and trim.
With a firm ass.

Nuch Dog coming in hot.

A local deli has named
a sandwich after you.

And you didn't lead
with that?

Sir, I hate to interrupt,
but have you prepared

your State of the Union
speech?

Well, I'm definitely gonna
bring up that sandwich thing.

And then maybe
I'll announce the national bird.

Mr. President, we already
have a national bird.

It's the bald eagle.

You make the bald eagle
the national flower.

Trump picks the bird.

What happened at the end
of today's Fox & Friends?

I only caught
the first 170 minutes.

Uh, Brian Kilmeade
said you're fantastic?

Kilmeade using
a three-syllable word?

What are you hiding?

I give Trump's presidency
a 10.

10 for me.
Well, I'm gonna go with a 9

because a part of my brain
is telling me

that all of this is wrong.

My God.
I've lost Kilmeade.

Gentlemen,

I took a look at my polls,

and I'm sad to report that
our worst fears have come true.

Only 38% of Americans
have good taste in presidents.

Does this mean
we're moving again?

Shut up, Eric!

Shut up, Don!
Yeah, shut up, Don.

Shut up, Eric.

I mean, that's actually
why I called you both here.

I love you,
but I don't need you

trying to goose
my poll numbers.

You leave
the heavy lifting to me

and stick to your roles --
eating Gushers

and barfing in hot tubs.

You got it, Dad.
Uh, hold on.

Dad, we're the best bros
you got, dude.

We know Americans
way better

than some pollsters
who surveyed Americans.

This is
the new normal, Don.

But don't worry
about all this.

I got an easy trick
presidents use

to juice approval ratings.

War time, baby!

Give me
that nuclear football!

Hyah!

Give me that.
-Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

Okay, okay.
Fine, fine.

So, uh, anyone have
any plans this week?

Give me!
Uh, I got...

-Come here.
-Forget it.

If you're gonna hog
the football,

why not just take over
the whole government?

[door slams]

Did he just ask us
to wage a coup?

I heard "coup."

-He did, right?
-I heard it, too.

I definitely heard
the word "coup."

-That's what he heard.
-Hey, hey.

Keep your pants on, ladies.
I'll handle this.

Sir?

I'm not talking to General
Won't Let Me Start a War.

Mr. President,

is this about what
the mean man said on the TV?

Maybe.

If you really want
to be popular,

you don't use
the weapons of war.

You use the strongest weapon
in the president's arsenal --

the State of the Union
address.

Every respected leader
has used the State of the Union

to lay out an inspiring and
unified vision for the future.

Franklin D. Roosevelt
and the New Deal,

L.B.J.
and the Great Society,

Ronald Reagan
and the smooth taste

of Chesterfield cigarettes.

And now, President Trump,
it's your turn.

[crowd chanting
"Trump, Trump, Trump"]

[horn blares]

[chanting continues]

We've found
the president's tax returns.

They say he's the richest man
in the world!

[cheers and applause]

Reporting for duty, sir!

That's it!

I'm gonna give the greatest
State of the Union address

in history.

Mark my words, I'm gonna --

[grunting]

That's the closest
I've gotten.

Wow.
What a rush.

I'm coming for you.

But until then, I'm gonna win

the State
of the fricking Union!

[echoing] Fricking Union!
Fricking Union!

Fricking Union!

? solemn music plays ?
Okay, Paul,

before I lay out my vision
for the State of the Union,

what's the House
pyrotechnics budget?

We do not have one, sir.

That said,
I love where your head's at.

We should totally cap it off

with some sweet M80s,
right, Nuch?

Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!

[all whooping]

-Gentlemen, if I may...
-Whoo-whoo!

Y'all looking at me
like I'm crazy.

I didn't start
the whoo-whoos, did I?

It's my solemn duty
to remind everyone

the State of the Union is not
a self-aggrandizing spectacle.

Ugh. Fine!

I guess
I'll lay out an "agenda."

Let's hear some lines
that'll get me a standing O.

Poor people are gross, so let's
put smallpox all over pennies.

Nuch Dog with a banger.
Keep it going.

Too many people
die every day,

and -- and their perfectly
good brains go to waste.

We could use brain tissue
as insulation

for drafty
office buildings

or, um, little, uh --
little pillows for big dogs.

These sound great.
I mean, that applause --

It's gonna be huge.

So huge that it might finally
fill the hole in my heart

left by my callous,
unloving father.

[music stops]

[unenthusiastically]
Whoo-whoo.

Well, how do we know
the meeting is over?

Does someone say "ding-ding"
or "ding-dong"?

Look, Mike,
I hate to do this,

but I need to listen
to you.

I need to get Melania
an anniversary gift.

What do you get the woman who
has the man who has everything?

The Bible says in times of --
Skip it.

I got Karen and her closest
gal pals third-row tickets

to Joel Osteen's
prayer fest.

I would have joined them,
but my impure thoughts

for an audiobook narrator

forced me to take shelter in
the arms of God for the evening.

So, wait, wait.

You pawned Karen off
on someone else?

Why, she loves spending time
with her fellow Christ-ettes.

Say, why don't we set up
the gals on a night out?

Michael,
have you met Karen?

It's like talking
to a human shower curtain.

Why, thank you, sir.

That's not a compliment,
Michael.

And then Ohio came in,
and I was like, "Wow.

I mean, I think
this might happen."

Yeah, whatever, Dad.

So, I know you said
we're out of our depth,

but we can boost
your image.

Remember
when everyone said you were

the dumbest person
in the world,

then we showed up on TV,

and they were like,
"We spoke too soon"?

We could be
your new spokesmen.

We should definitely get
Susan on the paperwork.

Full disclosure, boys --
I sort of made up Susan

so critics would think I had
someone doing paperwork.

Wa-- Susan's not real?

But she sounded so nice
on the phone.

That was Jared.

All right.
Forget Susan.

Imagine it, Dad.

Your two sons on television,

wearing makeup,
kicking ass.

Interesting.

Well, any man willing

to put on makeup for me
has my trust.

Go on TV,
but no Sunday shows.

Fuck yeah!

Stick to friendly confines --
Hannity.

But don't talk
about Russia.

I'm good. It's Eric
you got to worry about it.

Yeah, actually, Dad, uh,
it's me you got to worry about.

Eric,
if you're ever in doubt,

you just find a policeman
and tell him you're lost.

All right, Chuck and Nancy,

before you try
to slip your agenda

into the State of the Union,

just know
you can't soften me up

with a bunch
of New York talk.

Of course not,
Mr. President.

We're not going to talk
about New York.

What about it?

I was taking the Staten Island
ferry the other day.

Empire State Building.
Hudson River.

Katz's Deli.
Pizza!

Uh, train track!

[together] Central Park!

Five.
Okay, you won me over.

What do you want me to do?

Just add the word "progress"
to your speech

so we can tell our donors

that you capitulated
to all our demands.

You don't even have
to mean it.

Now you're playing
to my strengths.

And, by the way,
who's in charge of your party?

Right now it seems
like a bunch of seagulls

fighting over
a potato chip.

[gargling]

[spits]

Ted Cruz!
Aah!

What the hell
are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What are you doing
to your teeth?

I'm brushing them.

You got hair on your teeth?

What am I missing here, Don?

What do you want, Ted?

I decided to pick the lock
on your bedroom,

sneak into your shower,
and wait for you to come in

so I could bounce a State
of the Union idea off you.

Oh, here we go.
Here's what I'm thinking.

Around minute three, you pretend
like you've lost your place,

say, "Oh, the hell with it,"
and let your good pal Ted Cruz

take the reins.
No can do, Ted.

But if it gets you
out of my bathroom,

I'll tell people
you're not that bad of a guy

so they stop judging a book
by its odor.

That's got to be the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

And in return, I promise
not to stab you in the back

for the sake of attention.

Great.
Anything else?

Now, is everyone
brushing their teeth,

or is this, like,
an alternative-medicine thing?

As we all know,
President Trump and I

haven't always seen
eye to eye,

but our boy
has turned a corner

and decided to do things
the Washington way,

and I have agreed to value
political expediency

over my conscience.
[applause]

? up-tempo music plays ?

Hannity!

The American people all agree

that the Democrat
deserve to drown.

Moving on,
let's welcome the greatest sons

of the greatest president
in history.

First, let me just say it's
an honor to be in the presence

of what used to be
Donald Trump's sperm.

I'm feeling the high.
Great to be here, man.

The presidency
is going so well.

Good morning, Sean.

I am Eric.

Let's start
with the first question

your dad
told me to ask you.

Why are you good?
Uh, hate to interrupt, Sean,

but I just need to say
right up front

that we are not here
to talk about Russia.

Of course. That's nonsense.
Russia doesn't exist.

Dad told us we're not allowed
to talk about it.

Uh, that Russia stuff
is secret.

I doubt
we've even been to Russia.

I do not recall.
Yes,

and anyone
who says otherwise

can join Democratic
drowning victims in hell.

It's funny, Sean.

The Russia stuff
is so good at being fake

that it almost feels
entirely real.

Totally.
But, like, if it was fake,

why would Dad be so mad
about it?

You'd think he'd be like,

"Oh, that's not a thing,
and we're moving on."

Eric,
you're talking about it.

Shut up,
or Dad's gonna be so mad.

Dad, we messed it up!

You make it so hard.
[crying]

Fuck you, Dad.

[voice breaking]
I'm sorry.

When we come back,

Rudy Giuliani and I
will talk over a black doctor,

and later, we'll watch an
American flag throw a football.

Roll the reverse-mortgage ad.

And then they called Wisconsin,
and I was president.

Do you want
to hear it again?

Always.

But, first, how's your State
of the Union address coming?

Terrific.
Stephen Miller's writing it.

I mean, that guy's incredible
at channeling my voice.

Oh, Anamalick,
demon of the unheard,

guide my syntax
that it may traverse

the valley of darkest woe.

Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot.

That's great.

And I've just been informed
of your anniversary.

So, what do you have planned
with the little lady?

Well, I'd love to say,
but I really don't like

to throw my wealth
in people's faces.

Ah, come on, Donald.

We're all pretending
to be friends here.

Okay, okay.

It was gonna be a big surprise,
but here it is --

limo, dinner,

a tremendous luxurious night
on the town

for you and Karen Pence.

[applause]

Don't wait up, boys.

We're going
to a restaurant.

Karen Pence?

She doesn't even know
the first thing about fashion.

She told me
her favorite designer

is Cracker Barrel
gift shop.

Honey,
until I get a better job,

we're stuck here,
so make nice with Karen.

[Cruz] Unh-unh-unh!
No tartar in Texas!

Oh, no.

What's Ted Cruz doing now?
Mnh-mnh-mnh!

When I heard the president
and his phony-baloney cronies

in Washingtoni-ony
were working on an agenda

that will bankrupt
regular folks, I thought,

"What is the most callous,
most self-serving thing

that I can do?"

And here I am, Ted Cruz!

Calling for a boycott of
the State of the Union address.

Additionally, I will be moving
forward on brushing my teeth.

Just need to find a toothpaste
that goes down smooth.

We know we screwed up by making
a passing reference to Russia,

but we can fix this.

We just have to get everyone
to feel really bad for us.

And so Eric's gonna go,
and he's gonna disappear

into
the Bermuda Triangle.

Really, Eric?
You're okay with this?

Yeah. I mean,
I'm sort of just hearing it

for the first time now.

You know what?
You've done enough.

You'd better hope
my brain makes me tweet

something
that distracts the media.

It's really anyone's guess
until I get on that toilet.

And the dog on my dress
is chasing a bone,

and the bone
is on my back.

Oh, my God.

Now, here's where things
get really kooky.

This dress has pockets.

More wine!

You know what you need,
Melanarnia?

You have this look that says,
"I'm not from around here."

What if I told you my gay barber
stays open late on Mondays?

Ooh!

Honey, I think --

Do not talk to me
right now.

All I was gonna say is
that you look like Karen Pence.

She tried to baptize me
in reflecting pool.

Would it kill you to go
with the flow

of the life
I blundered us into?

Donald, when I moved here,
you were the only thing I knew.

You were my home.

But when you act like this,
I feel like a refugee.

So, tomorrow,
I go back to New York.

Katz Deli.
I mean don't go, don't go.

Good night, Donald.

Good night, LaGuardia.

I mean Melania.

??

? dramatic music plays ?

Uhh!

Uhh...

Oh, God.

[man]
Where's your fire truck, loser?

[crowd booing]

We found
Trump's tax return.

Turns out,
he's only very rich!

Melania,
will you marry me?

Yes, Colin!

Hey, Donald!

I used your toothbrush.

[laughing maniacally]

Ah, Ted Cruz!

That's a menace!

[soothing music plays]

He's a war hero
'cause he was captured.

I like people
that weren't captured, okay?

I hate to tell you.

But what we want to do

is to replenish
the Social Security trust fund.

Such a nasty woman.

Look at that.
I was so young.

They're bringing crime.
They're rapists.

And some, I assume,
are good people.

It's amazing.
I still have that same suit.

...what we're getting.

And it only makes common sense.

When did I lose my way, boys?

It's this city.

It's these Washington losers
with the "you can't say that"

and "you can't put a mini-fridge
in your bathroom.

It would be 'unhygienic.'"

Here's the deal.

Washington's gonna criticize us
no matter what we do.

So we should just do us,
which is you.

I want to see the guy
who sued my mom,

the guy who totally owned
a Gold Star family

on national television,

the guy who slapped me when
I underordered at Chili's.

You're right.

See this guy.
"Uh, I don't know what I said.

Uh, I don't remember!"

That's the real Donald Trump.
"I don't remember."

That's who's gonna win
the State of the Union.

Uh, what should we do?

Just do
what you do best, boys,

which, to be clear,
is nothing.

Got it. We'll do
the most nothing ever, Dad.

??

Tonight is President Trump's
first State of the Union,

and everyone's wondering,
"What will he do?"

Will he embrace Washington

or take a 40-minute call
with Carl Icahn?

Make it up the podium stairs

or deliver the address
from the doorway?

Mr. President,

I present "State of the Union
2018: Blood Horizon."

Allow me to read you one
of the more tame passages.

And, lo,
the tide of Caucasian might

will crush down
on the shore of Chicago,

turning Lake Michigan seas
red with the blood

of the
irredeemably unemployed.

Great stuff. We can use it
for another speech.

I'll tell Susan
to keep it on file.

??

Melania, the State of the Union
is about to start.

I'm going to New York.

I have tickets to Stomp
in six hours.

Melania, I know
you didn't want to come here.

None of us did.

But Hillary didn't go to
Wisconsin, so here we are.

And we have to make
the best of a bad situation.

[Kushner]
Come on, babe, time to go.

We can chitchat
when we're all in prison.

? epic music plays ?

I told you guys
not to do anything.

We just wanted to show you that
we're not bad at everything.

? Duh-da-da-da ?

Do you like it?

Wow.

When you guys confirmed my ties
to a hostile foreign power,

I'll admit I was pretty miffed,
but this is awesome!

Dad, how about a hug?

I'd love that, but maybe
close your mouth first.

I don't want to have
to change my suit.

Oh, it is closed.

Don, am I crazy?
Is it open?

Yeah, Dad, it's open.

It's always open.

[gavel banging]

Mr. Speaker,

the President
of the United States' son.

Ladies and gentlemen,

America is on fire,

and there's only one man
who can put it out --

President Donald J. Truuuuump!

[dramatic music plays]

[cheers and applause]

??

[engine starts, siren wails]

My fellow Americans,

the State of the Union is...

[horn honking]

[cheers and applause]

I love you, Dad.

I love me, too!

The next seven years
will be tremendous!

First,
I'm gonna finish this speech,

and it's gonna be
a huge success!

Then we're gonna take
all the Time's Up pins

and melt them into guns.

And during sweeps week,
get your passports ready,

because we're taking
the whole country to Hawaii!

[cheers and applause]

Okay, folks,

let's bang out
these special guests.

Bing, bang, boom.

We got cop, fireman,
woman thing,

science guy,
the sandwich named after me.

They're all patriots, folks.

[cheers and applause]

Loving it!

You know, ever since I won
the Electoral College

by the largest margin
in history,

Washington has tried
to box me in,

make me say dumb dictionary
words like "progress,"

and give handshakes that end
the same day they began,

but that's not who I am.

Donald Trump thinks freely,
brags bigly, and bings bongly!

One moment, I'm talking cake,

and the next,
I'm threatening nukes!

[applause]

I'm gonna get it,

and I'm not giving it back!

We'll see how you'll like it.

But what I want to talk to you
about right now

is my wife, Ivana --
Ivanka, Melanka -- Melania.

Yes, Melania.

She gave up a lot
to be here in Washington --

escalators, pizza,

and I don't thank her enough.

[cheers and applause]

I don't thank you enough
either.

Oh, thank you, Jared.

If you loved me, you'd tell
your dad to fire me.

Oh, Jared,
that will never happen.

That is why, in the spirit of
returning to my impulsive ways,

that I'm gonna name Melania --
oh, I don't know --

national bird.

Do we like that?
[cheers and applause]

We like it.

Come on up, Bird.

How do you like
your anniversary gift?

You're back.

[applause]

Wow,
look at these gibblets!

All the fixings!

You all want
to hear a bird sound?

Caw-caw!
Caw-caw!

She's working on it, folks.

[applause]

I give the president's speech
a 10.

10 over here.
Brian?

I'm gonna say a 9.9
because, again,

a tiny part of my brain --
and it's so small --

but it's screaming that all
of this is completely wrong.

I'll take it.

Melania, I won
the State of the Union,

and I couldn't have done it
without you staying quiet

about the porn star
I paid off.

I feel like I won
the State of the Union.

Right. Well,
you kind of didn't,

because it turns out there's
already a national bird.

Not a lot of people
know that.

But there is
some good news.

What's this?

An executive order proclaiming
that I tried to make you happy.

Donald, thank you.

[smooching]

More good news.

My State of the Union ratings
were so high,

they asked me to do it again
next year!

Yay!

? rock music plays ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?

? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? We had a vote
and elected him president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Donald Trump ?

? He is our president ?

? We made him president ?

? We did it ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? We elected Donald Trump ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Yeah ?

Trump!

Gotcha.
Let's have some fun.

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