All language subtitles for Nobodies s02e07 Sex, Drugs and Melissa McCarthy.eng

(LARRY) I didn't propose
to Kristen Wiig!

(JEN) He doesn't get it.

Larry, Jen gets that it
was a misunderstanding,

but what hurts for her is to
imagine you with another woman.

What about me having to imagine her

with Walter Schnitman?

Nothing happened with me
and Walter, I told you that!

Well, even less happened
with me and Kristen Wiig.

Which is a shame,
because I love Kristen Wiig

and it would have been very
fun for me to tell my friends

that one of my clients
had been intimate with her.

It's not just Kristen.

It's your relationship

with all your Groundlings friends.

Why don't we talk about Rachael?

Now, that's interesting.

Jen, does Larry working so intimately

for so long with Rachel evoke
feelings of jealousy in you?

Rachel Ramras?

(CHUCKLES) No.

(SNORTS) Um... Rachel's
not Larry's type.

Can you imagine?

I'm not at all attracted
to Rachel Ramras.

I mean... that would be like

being attracted to a monkey.

Oh, she is very simian, isn't she?

All teeth and hair.

You know who she reminds me of?

Who's the kid from "The Jungle Book"?

Mowgli, the little Indian boy.

Yes, Mowgli.

And somehow, even less feminine.

Okay, can we stop talking
about Rachel Ramras?

I was talking about Rachael Harris.

Oh, my God.

You're still upset about that?

Rachael Harris, Rachael Harris.

How do I know that name?

We slept together one time.

That was before I even met you.

We had dinner with another
couple, and this is recent.

And they asked us
who everyone's hall pass was,

and Larry said Rachael Harris.

And you said Taye Diggs.

But I don't know Taye Diggs

and I've never had sex
with Taye Diggs.

But I married you!

I mean, you gotta believe
me when I tell you

there's zero reason for you to
be threatened by Rachael Harris.

I never even see her anymore.

There would be no reason

for me to ever be around her.

(RACHAEL) Lady!

Rachael Harris!

(BOTH SQUEALING)

(CHITTERING LIKE MONKEY)

How fun is this? I know.

Rachael Harris.

Oh, giddyup, cowboy.

I know. It makes no sense.

So you are Mrs. Dorf, huh?

Oh, it's every woman's fantasy.

(LAUGHS) How perfect is she as Jen?

You're perfect.

I'm serious, when I thought of you,

Melissa and CBS were like,

why did we not think of her sooner?

Oh, please.

I'm just excited to get
to work with you guys

on something after all these years.

Aww.

And I love Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

How sexy is he?

Right, but you're married.

- Huh?
- Hmm?

I mean...

Jen, jealousy is a feeling

and feelings are not always rational.

Sometimes when we can't see
what's behind the curtain,

we have a tendency
to imagine the worst.

So, Larry, what you need to do

is pull back the curtain
on more of your life

and allow Jen to see what's behind it.

I've never even been to his office.

What a dick.

That's because you hate the show.

Well, it would still
feel nice to be invited.

- Well, then you're invited.
- Great, when?

Anytime she wants.

It's called "Open Dorf Policy."

You're Mrs. Dorf.

I just realized who Rachael Harris is.

She's got blonde hair,
glasses, very sexy?

Yes.

No wonder you continue
to masturbate to her.

I never said... I never said I...

What? I never said that.

No, I know.

I said it because I believe it.

And because you have the face
of a chronic masturbator.

??

I mean, am I supposed
to say all my lines

with a big ol' Texas accent?

Just do what you did
for the table read.

It's a rehearsal.

Yeah, if Melissa doesn't like
it, she'll let you know.

Hi, lovely people!
Hello, hello, hello!

Look out! Oh, my gosh.

Hi there! (LAUGHING)

Oh, it's so fun.

Look at what you have done,
these gorgeous sets

and this gorgeous cast, and...

This looks so good, it seems
like it could direct itself.

(LAUGHING) But it can't!

Of course it can't.
Because this takes a village.

I'm gonna trademark that. Apple box!

We all have to kind of switch modes.

I know this has so far
been a party for all of us.

Thank you so much.
What a sweet thought.

But now, it's time for business,

and it's the business of show, okay?

And when I take this hat off

and put on my director's hat,

things are going to change.

Now, rule number one
is don't (BLEEP) with me.

You will hear that all day.

It will grow with intensity
and I will never not mean it,

and I promise you that.

Do not (BLEEP) with me.

Hi, Rachael, oh!

Are you feeling under the weather?

Oh, no I'm... I'm fine, I'm fine.

That's... your choice. Okay.

Oh, no, no, no, it's my wardrobe.

A little makeup will help later.

So just keep it in mind.

We are not here to spitball ideas.

If you spit at me,
I will come back at you

with a venom spit that will
drop you to your knees.

We will not be throwing
anything against any wall

because it will never stick!

Okay, and rule number two...

(WHISPERING) let's have fun.

- Okay.
- (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Oh, I don't know! Hugh?

- Hugh!
- Uh, yes.

Thank you. How kind of you.

Steve, will you take... Thank you.

- Dave.
- Thank you.

No, it's Melissa. You might want to...

You might wanna... You might
wanna check your call sheet.

Oh, boy.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

You don't want to put that
down, trust me, trust me.

Hold it, hold it,
cradle it like a baby.

You'll thank me later.

(MELISSA) Okay.

I think that's looking okay.

Now, why is this here?

The refrigerator?
We're in the kitchen.

I'm aware that we're
in the kitchen, Steve.

My question was, why is it here?

Because I hate it here.

We could get somebody to move it.

You know what?

Forget it. I'll do it.

I don't have enough on my plate.

I started as a P.A.

This'll just put me inside
a... a different union.

This'll get me into the 44.

You want it done?
You gotta do it your...

You just gotta do it yourself.

(MELISSA GRUNTING)

That's okay.

I didn't want any more kids anyway.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Okay.

(WHISPERING) Hello?

Hey, where is everyone?

We're on stage

rehearsing with Mussolini.

Rehearsing? Thanks for telling me.

You said you had therapy with Jen.

Well, it would still
feel nice to be invited.

(MARK-PAUL) Well, it looks like

we'll never have sex again.

No, we just have to wait
until my parents go to sleep.

Great, and then we're
gonna pan over here

and we see Mary Ellen and Curtis

asleep on the couch and big laugh.

And big laugh!

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, okay, and then we come
back to Larry and Jen.

7:30... same bedtime as the kids.

- That's convenient.
- (CHUCKLES)

Cut. Stop...

Uh, Mark-Paul,
what would you call that?

A kiss.

Just says... kiss.

Does it say a kiss from the 1950s?

(LAUGHS) Because, wow.

This is... I just want you

to put a little more...
a little more something.

A little of the old M.P. into it.

- Okay.
- Maybe... Maybe a little bit of tongue.

A little something dicey,
let's spice it up.

Yeah, I just... I don't know if I...

I don't think I'd
really give her tongue.

Wow, what a blow to you.

What a blow to you.
Women in Hollywood.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, boy, I'll tell you what.

I've got this foxy blonde bombshell

in front of me. Right.

And respectfully, if I may step

- into your character's shoes...
- Please.

I'd take her, and I'd want to do this.

- Okay.
- I'd want to be like, wow.

What am I looking at?
And then I'd go in.

Okay? Just put her back up.

This is the good stuff.

- Come on, let's try it again.
- Okay.

- Why is Rachael Harris here?
- She's Jen.

- When did that happen?
- I suggested her.

- What?!
- What?

If you are talking,
then you're walking!

That's the one person
we cannot have as Jen.

I had sex with Rachael Harris!

- Today?!
- What?

No, it was, like, 12 years ago.

- Then who cares?
- Jen cares!

- Oh, my God.
- Okay?

We were finally coming together,

and now you've ruined my marriage.

- My life is over.
- Well, I didn't know any of that.

This is like that time
that Matt Cabral

caught me masturbating
in seventh grade

and I was convinced he was
gonna tell the whole school,

so I thought the only solution

was that I had to kill Matt Cabral.

What are you talking about?
You're gonna kill Jen?

I don't know. I'm just
thinking out loud, all right?

I'm trying to solve a problem.

It's not a problem yet, okay?

It's not like Jen's here.

Larry! Rachel!

Hi, honey!

Hey! You're here.

You're right here, right now.

You're doing exactly what
we talked about in therapy

and you're stopping by unannounced.

Is that okay?

Yes, it's great.

So what are you guys doing?

Oh! What are we...

Um...

You know, I'm taking a smoke break.

I didn't know you smoked.

Oh, yeah. Big, big smoker.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em. (CHUCKLES)

I... And I don't
got 'em right now on me.

I gotta bum one.

You guys talk, I'm gonna bum.

Sir? Can I, um...

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, neighbor.

Hey, Larry.

This came to my house by mistake.

You opened it.

- Oh, yeah.
- And cut, cut!

I am so sorry, Mark-Paul, but, Hugh,

the more I'm looking at this
outfit, I'm just hating it.

Oh, thank God, right?
It makes no sense.

It's crazy.
I shouldn't be wearing this.

No, the idea is phenomenal.
It's a fit issue.

Okay, it's just so voluminous
and sloppy, sloppy, sloppy!

I... Just look at this. Baggy pants?

I mean, am I right when I
think of an American cowboy,

I think long, lean lines, John Wayne.

Or maybe I don't have to be a cowboy.

That's crazy! You're the neighbor.

Can I get some grip clips?

Are you thinking the same thing I...

My God. That took you long enough.

Do you mind? No.

I mean, I know it's below
your pay grade, but...

No, no, no, please.

Now, bear with me, and you
tell me if I've gone crazy.

I just want to get the seat
just like that.

Oh, wow.

You wanna clamp all of that up.

Got that. We're gonna take up the...

Now, we're gonna pull in
the line of this leg.

Oh, mm-hmm.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, have you tailored before?

'Cause your handoffs are amazing.

And I think they'll put

a dart probably in here somewhere.

Hey! Jen!

- Hi.
- Hi.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm smoking, Hugh.

It's my smoke break.

Where did you get it?

I bummed it from Alan, the grip.

- Thanks, man!
- Anytime, sweetie.

You look great. Is this for the show?

Oh, yeah, although not the jeans.

Evidently, the jeans
need to be tighter.

Rachael's already there getting
fitted for a sexier top.

What? No, I'm not.

I'm right here.

I'm in a very sexy top,

and I'm Rachel, and I'm here.

Let's go look at the office.

Open the door for you.

- Thank you.
- Huh?

Oh, wow, it's... It's really nice.

I am really proud of you, Larry.

After all these years,
you've really made it.

Mmm...

And I know it was for me and the kids.

Mm-hmm.

Is that your private office?

That's... Right there. Go take a look.

That's where I executive produce.

Right.

Oh, wow.

You still haven't cast
someone to play me?

Mm-mmm.

Oh, I feel bad.

I feel like I've made it impossible

for you to find someone.

- No.
- I mean, honestly,

at this point, I'd be
happy with anyone.

I mean, maybe not Rachael Harris.

No, never.

Well, I should get back to the babies.

All right.

All right, let me...

Gentleman. I'm a gentleman.

(CHUCKLES)

(RACHEL) You sure you
don't want to sit down?

I can't.

When I sit down, it cuts off
the circulation to my feet.

I don't know what you want me to do!

I have an idea, I have an idea.

Give me that.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER FROM CREW)

Now, let's go out
and get a Christmas tree

like normal people, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, Melissa?

Do you want us to cross out?

What... Now, what was that?

(HUGH) You cannot just
fire Rachael Harris

because you think
your wife will be jealous.

Well, maybe we fire her because
she's not a very good actress.

Pfft!

I was not blown away by
her performance at rehearsal.

- You were not at rehearsal.
- And she was great.

You can't just fire her
for no reason, Larry.

Well, then how do we get rid of her?

Well, if we were on
an episode of "The Shield,"

we would just plant drugs on her.

But maybe it'd be better
for you to follow something

like Scooby-Doo and get
dressed up like a werewolf

and then you can scare her away.

Hey, I got a call from CBS.

Kevin Thune wants us
to come by his office.

- When?
- Now.

- Well, I gotta change.
- Man, he said right now.

You guys just go.

I gotta figure something out here.

Cool. You weren't invited.

(HUGH) Well, if we were on
an episode of "The Shield,"

we would just plant drugs on her.

Hey, man. Hey, man.

I just wanted to stop by.

I feel like we've barely talked.

Yeah, okay. Sure.

Yeah, please. Whew!

Yeah...

I hope you don't mind,
but Rachel shared with me

that... that you're in recovery.

You know, for drugs.

She knows I don't mind.
I'm sort of an open book.

You know what they say.

You're only as sick as your secrets.

Right, I know that,

because I'm also in recovery.

For drugs.

Brother.

Um...

Um, where'd you buy your drugs?

I'm just asking 'cause
I'm always fascinated

by my fellow drug users' stories.

Like, you know, where'd you buy 'em,

how much you pay for 'em.

Are there code words that
you should be aware of,

or do you just say "give me cocaine"?

How's everyone doing?

- Great.
- Wonderful. - Yeah.

How's working with Melissa McCarthy?

That's got to be fun.

Look, we love the show,
we love the script.

All the elements are there.

I'm gonna be totally honest with you.

We're strongly considering
"Open Dorf Policy"

for an early pickup.

Oh, God!

But, as we're looking
at our fall schedule,

we're noticing something.

It's very white.

So we're gonna need this
to be a more diverse show.

So, recast?

Not everyone.

We love Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

He's great.

So funny.

No, we're thinking
Larry's wife and in-laws

could be African-American.

Oh, so...

So Rachael Harris would be fired?

And Mary Ellen and Curtis.

This kind of thing happens.
Casting will take care of it.

Oh, and I'd... I'd be out, too,

as the... as the neighbor, right?

'Cause that would be
now the African-American.

No, the neighbor would be white.

A diverse show still needs RSA.

What is RSA? Red State Appeal.

The cowboy gives us that.

Can I ask a question?

Um, it may not be PC.

Well, maybe this isn't a great place

for that kind of a question.

So we're... we're all saying
"African-American," right?

But then you said "white,"
instead of Caucasian,

which is totally fine,
totally doesn't bother me,

'cause I actually think when
people say "African-American"

instead of "black," right,
it sounds, like, more racist.

Do you know what I mean?

Like... Like they're overcompensating,

Like, "I'm so racially sensitive,

I say 'African-American.'"

You know what I mean?

Like, it just sounds so racist, right?

And I'm... I'm not racist.

I don't say African-American.

I say black... white.

Mexican, Chinese.

Like... Like if I want
to leave this meeting, okay,

and I want to say to someone,
"I had this great meeting,"

but I can't remember your guys' names,

you would want me to say it
was with this white guy,

this gay guy and this
beautiful black lady, right?

(CHUCKLES) I would not.

And I'm not gay.

(HUGH) He did say
they're considering us

for an early pickup, right?

He said "strongly considering."

You're gonna be the series
regular of a CBS sitcom.

You're gonna be famous!

You can dump Sam for a younger model.

Oh, wow, Maybe I'll finally
have a shot with you.

You only date famous actors.

- Hey!
- (RACHEL) Hey.

I have great news.

I bet it's not as great as ours.

Rachael Harris is getting fired!

What?

Yeah, they're recasting the
show with black people.

African-Americans, my God.

Oh, God.

Come with me!

Come!

Quick, hurry! Oh, God!

(GROANING) Oh, God, it's locked!

I must've locked it.

What is going on?

I planted drugs in
Rachael Harris' trailer.

- What?!
- He told me to do it!

What?! Where did you get drugs?

Well, first I asked Mark-Paul.

- What?!
- Yes.

And he was absolutely no help.

And then I saw the grip

that you bummed your cigarette
from and I asked him,

and he knew exactly where to get it.

We both bought two bags of cocaine,

and mine is now
in Rachael Harris' trailer.

Well, we gotta get it
out of there, Larry.

I'm aware of that! You know what?

I've been in one of these
big trailers before.

When I was on the hit movie
"Evan Almighty"...

Oh, my God! With Rachael Harris.

We were both in her big trailer

and we were having sex.

You had sex with Rachael Harris?

Yes, on the hit movie "Evan Almighty."

God, stop saying "the hit
movie 'Evan Almighty!'"

Well, she was on top of me,

and I remember looking up,

and I saw there was like a tiny hatch,

so I bet if we could just, like...

climb through this hatch.

- How?
- I don't know, you're tiny.

You could just climb up
there like a little monkey.

Fine, but I'm doing this
for Rachael Harris,

not for you!

I don't want to go
by myself, I'm scared!

Well, I can't go. I
have to be the lookout.

Oh, okay. I'll go with you.

Okay.

Hey, do you know where
I put Melissa's stuff?

Her cape, her hat?
I can't help you out.

(EXHALES) Ugh!

Oh, God.

You guys ready to see Daddy

and invite him to come back home?

Yay, Daddy!

(RACHEL) Oh, God!

Just let go! Don't tell me what to do!

Okay... Jesus.

One, two, three... Oh, God!

Ow!

Ahh!

Do you see it?

What does it look like?

It's cocaine!

You've never seen
a movie with cocaine in it?

It's like white powder.

It should be in a bag and
look like flour or something.

This it?

Yes!

(STRAINING)

What are you doing now?

Trying to get out, Hugh.

You use the door!

Rachael Harris!

(WHISPERING) Just stay in there!

Hey.

I am so sorry.

(RACHAEL) Aw, it's okay.

It's just... You know
how these things go.

Yeah. It's...

Minorities coming in here,
taking our jobs.

Uh, you know, it's... It's terrible.

No, it's... it's fine.

- I'm gonna get my stuff.
- Wait. It's gonna be okay.

Oh, I can't go to jail.

When one door closes,
another door opens.

Okay, thanks, Lar.

Let me just give you one more hug.

I knew it!

Larry... do you have a boner?

What? No!

It's my jeans. It's the zipper.

Rachael! Is... Is this your trailer?

I... I thought it was my trailer.

Uh, because it says "Rachel."

And... And I just was
coming in here to, um...

Do this cocaine.

Larry!

Strong stuff, huh?

Check out that cowboy on the roof.

What's that dude doing?

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