All language subtitles for No Heroics s01e04 Back Issues.eng

Sync by Kiry

All today's services are cancelled

due to engineering works
on the Eastern Line.

Machine, give cash.

Ding.

Cover your costume.

Better.

Hey!

No powers.

That includes your stick
with gay magic, all right?

Bloody sorcerers.

Don't know why we let them in.
They reckon they're proper superheroes.

Yeah, get back
to the end of the pier!

He wrote me a letter.
He says he's really changed.

They always say that, but deep down,
they're all still bastards.

- Darling, you're so cynical.
- I've just heard it all before.

"I used to be a super villain
but that was the old me."

Such a cliche. I've heard that line
more times than I've had hot...

spunk in my eyes.

What are you laughing at?
It's me, isn't it?

No!

When we laugh it's not automatically
about your jiggly boy boobs.

They don't jiggle, they flex.

What's that?

A letter from a super villain
I caught last year.

You remember that creepy bloke,
Lightkiller?

- Yeah, what was his power again?
- Switching lights out, you idiot.

Right, Lightkiller. Makes sense.

- Jenny's gonna meet him at his place.
- Prison.

If he says he's changed,
then he's changed.

What's the worst that can happen?

He could break out, abduct you,
torture you,

starve you, decapitate you,
bleed you,

then skin you
and turn your floppy carcass

into some kind of rucksack,
for example.

I don't care. I'm still excited.
Come on!

You dropp me off
on the way to your job?

I hate corporates.

Don, explain to me again your exact
definition of a retired superhero.

Running out of money.
And in Spain, we have a saying.

"You cannot ride the donkey
and suck his cock all at the same time."

- Know what I mean?
- That'll be a no.

I think it's great Don's finally
getting back on the horse.

- Not horse meaning heroin.
- I miss the heroin.

See you.

- Wait a minute, both of you are going?
- Yeah.

At the same time? Both of you?

It'll be fine. Just sit here and argue,
like you normally do.

We're not gonna argue.
We'll be fine, right?

Yeah, we can do this. We're adults.

- Well, I'm an adult.
- Screw you.

- In your dreams, titty boy.
- Going well so far.

SPA! That's ironic, isn't it?

Cos prison's not exactly
a relaxing holiday.

- Ooh! Are these whooshy doors?
- Yes.

- May I?
- Yes.

- So...
- Sorry, can I just...?

They've really got that noise right.
That is the perfect whoosh.

- At last we meet again...
- Sorry, can I? Just one more time.

- Yeah, go on, then.
- Thanks.

So, Mr... Timebomb?

You've bodyguarded for us before?

Yeah, yeah, but not since '97.

Anything I should worry about?

Let's just say I prefer to avoid
tunnels and Paris.

Right. Have you ever hit a child,
Mr Timebomb?

- I don't think so.
- Wait until you meet the Prince!

Sorry,

I'm having... quite...
a bad nervous breakdown right now.

No problem. Me, too.

Great. Cos we believe there'll be
an assassination attempt

- on the Prince's life.
- OK.

There's one very important fact
I need to know.

If you give me the wrong answer, we have
no chance of making it through tonight.

- Go on.
- Does the limo have a mini bar?

If we can't say anything nice,
we shouldn't say anything.

You're right. Absolutely.

We can do this.

Hey, there's Thundermonkey!
Simon, want a drink?

Sarah, you have not said one nice thing
to me in your entire fucking life.

Why would I wanna drink with you?

- He's got a point.
- And you've got a wobbly man rack.

Sorry.

Hello, operator services.
How can we help?

You don't have to use those nowadays.
I can hear you fine.

Oh, sorry.

I've just never been
in a real prison before. It's exciting.

It soon wears off. After 17 months!

Is that how long it's been?

It's gone quick.

Funny, I was gonna say
quite the opposite.

I'd shake your hand but...

Probably for the best, eh?

Wouldn't want you, I don't know,
breaking out,

abducting me, torturing me,

starving me, decapitating me,
bleeding me, skinning me,

then turning my floppy carcass
into some kind of rucksack.

For example.

Don't worry, there's nothing
scary about me any more.

Hey, don't do yourself down.

You know you're a shit super villain

when they let you keep
your power in prison.

Really? I thought the green glow
was some kind of anti-power beam.

No, it's just mood lighting.
And if you don't like it...

- You've still got it, Lightkiller.
- Yep!

I suppose now would be
a perfect opportunity

for some of that skinning
and decapitating you were mentioning.

Kidding.

Bit of prison humour for you there.

Phew!

Couldn't do anything even if I wanted to
cos, you know...

Obviously, I could decapitate you.
But...

that stuff with the rucksack
sounded pretty complicated.

So, just to reiterate,

there is a small chance
of assassination today.

What does "reiterate" mean, Lisa?

It means to say something again,
Your Highness.

I knew that, you whore!

Yes, Your Highness. I'll leave you
two boys to get to know each other.

OK.

Now fuck off!

Yes, Your Highness.

I can't believe they got me
a superhero I've never heard of.

It's like they actually
want me to die.

- I can't imagine why.
- What's your power anyway?

- Are you very strong?
- No.

- Can you walk through walls?
- No.

- Show me what you do.
- Fine. What did you have for breakfast?

Bagels.

That's utter shit!

Would you like to play
with one of my knives?

Come on, we can do this.

What have you been up to lately?

Alex, you see me every fucking day.

How's the parents?

Still hate you. Yours?

Still dead, thanks for asking.

Sorry, I'm really having to concentrate
on not insulting you.

You have been doing it
for the last 15 years.

That's a lot of shitty memories.

Talking of shitty memories,
I walked past that Greek restaurant.

Your birthday!
That was a good night.

- You bought me a ring. So gay.
- Did I?

All I remember is pouring booze on
everything and you setting light to it.

Hey, Nikos, wouldn't this kebab
taste better flambeed?

Wouldn't this tablecloth
look better flambeed?

Wouldn't that waitress move better
flambeed?

That's when they called the police.

Wasn't that the night I accidentally
melted a condom onto my cock?

That was hilarious!

Alex, I had to go to hospital
with vaginal burns.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, we just did a whole minute
without arguing.

That deserves a drink.
My round, I think.

Fine, I'll get them.

OK, but I need to go piss-piss.

That is one phrase I do not miss.

Not that I miss anything else.

Me neither.

Flambeed!

Oi, Dave, what are you?
The Norse god of warm piss?

Drink it.
No one else is complaining.

No-one else has the exquisite
fucking taste that I do.

- Shooting your mouth off again, Devlin?
- Sarah!

You'd prefer
I was shooting off in your mouth.

- I don't get it.
- You'll get it,

mostly in your eyes and your hair.

- God, you know exactly what women want.
- Course I bloody do.

Two bottles of Shazamstel,
please, Norsey.

So, what are you up to later?

Me and Alex are having a drink.
Devlin, my eyes are up here.

What makes you think
I give a shit about your eyes?

- Hold on, "me and Alex"?
- Yeah!

- You're back together with Hotpants?
- As if!

We're trying to go a whole evening
without arguing.

My Christ! You're thinking
of going back out with him.

- What a terrible waste of good snatch.
- Oh, thanks.

You're jealous cos I said no to you.

Sweetheart,
when you finally give in,

it's gonna be like,
"Oh, yeah, down you go.

Somebody's hungry today."

- Devlin, what are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?

I used to have
all these grand plans.

Stupid dreams, really.

- You can still achieve your dreams.
- Vast power, world domination?

Probably not those ones.

Tough for a super villain,
starting out!

I can imagine. All those laws.

You get a few bank jobs under your belt
and everything's great for a while.

Except for the fact that you're evil.
But...

There's money.

Suddenly, girls like you
for the first time.

"Oooh, Lightkiller,
that thing you do is so sexy.

Oooh, switch off the lights for me.

Oooh, now turn them on.
Oooh, now switch them off again."

Yeah, everyone's your friend then.

But you get sloppy.

Partying starts to take its toll.
You don't plan so much.

Some of your big speeches start to sound
cobbled together. And then...

wham! A girl with super strength
is suddenly smashing you

against the side
of the Post Office Tower.

And guess what? Being able to switch
off some fucking lights

is not much help any more.

- You could use your powers for good.
- Yeah, right.

Being able to plunge the world
into complete darkness

is an ideal power for a good guy,
right?

- Point taken.
- All I've got left is...

eyes that glow in the dark

and a punishing schedule of anal sex

administered by the country's
most evil superhumans.

Let me tell you, those guys are
pretty aggressive.

Is there anything I can do to help,
seeing as it's my fault?

Partly.

Well, yeah. Yes.

I'm so lonely,
you could make me feel...

loved again.

Like... with a cuddle?

Kind of.

- Oh, look who it is! Hotpants.
- The Hotness.

Bad luck, you've got a cocktail sausage
trapped in your fly.

Yeah, well, you've got a...

hairy... Mars bar trapped in yours.

Chunky, isn't it?

So I see you and the old trouble
and strife are back on?

Hardly.
We're just trying not to argue.

Well, probably not worth
going back there.

Not like you were much cop
in the humping department.

Actually, I'm a pretty good humper.
I'm a hump machine.

Well, that's not what she said.

Oh, really? You'd know that how?

Well, think about it, Hotpocket.
Superhearing?

There's not much that gets past me
in here. After you two split up...

What?

Put it this way.

If you're gonna drive
a very, very small car,

- at least learn to park it properly.
- Sarah didn't say that!

- She doesn't know anything about cars.
- She knows a fair bit about cocks!

- Did she really say that about me?
- Course she bloody did.

Right.

The sweet, sweet piss of victory.

So, what is it like
being a superhero?

Can you kill people
just cos you're in a bad mood?

Well, that's actually a grey area.

- Officially, no.
- What about the pussy?

I bet the pussy's amazing, isn't it?

I wouldn't know.
I'm not really into girls.

- Are you a queer?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, Lisa!
This superhero's faulty. He's a queer.

I'm also an alcoholic.
You might wanna add that.

My dad says
that if God had meant us to be queer,

he'd have put our arseholes
on the front.

Well, your dad sounds like
a very clever man.

If I ruled the world,

I'd have every man who even walked funny
drowned at birth.

Just in case.

Listen, I might have
a little sleep now.

You just wake me up
when you've been assassinated.

Use the phone.
It's more... more intimate.

Hello!

I don't wanna look like a thickie,

but how do you want me
to make you feel loved?

Please, talk sexy to me, She-Force.

Yeah, I thought that might be
what you were getting at.

Look, I hardly know you.

You ruined my life. Now give me
something to look forward to.

But... but with...

dirty words!

OK, fine. I can do this.

Softly...

Cocks!

It's not quite the dirty word
I was thinking of.

Oh, right.

Fannies!

- More.
- Three fannies!

No, just tell me a story, She-Force.

Make me feel... wanted.

Fine. Erm...

Well, we're in a field.

It's a beautiful day.
We're having a picnic.

It's lovely.

What are you...
what are you wearing?

I'm wearing a dress.

I can see it.

I can see your...

bra.

- Can you?
- In the field.

Yes, I'm wearing my best bra.
It's frilly.

It really suits you.

Thanks. Now you open
a bottle of champagne

and we lie down together
in the long grass.

I can smell it.

And normally, I wouldn't
because of my allergy.

You're doing it for me.

So...

I start to... stroke you.

- Where are you stroking me?
- Down by your knick-knocks.

Hey, not so fast, mister!
That champagne's not gonna drink itself.

Please stay with me, She-Force.

I'm pulling at the straps
of your dress.

Eager, desperate for the warm...

bosom underneath.

Right.

Are you absolutely sure
no-one can hear us?

I'm, oh, absolutely...

Absolutely sure.
Hey, lads, get in here!

We've got a talker.
And bring some Pringles.

- Where were we?
- We were trying not to argue.

It seems to be going pretty well.

Till I find out
you said I was shit in bed.

Where did you hear that?
The toilets.

Oh, the toilets! Second only to CNN
as an accurate source of information.

- Oh, so you didn't say it?
- No!

- I kept that to myself.
- What?

God, you're so paranoid!

I'm not the one who used to secretly
check her boyfriend's text messages

- using her superpowers.
- I did that once when I was drunk!

- You say it was once.
- You just got a text.

- No, I haven't.
- Send text.

Oh, it's from you.

"You have tiny balls. Love, Sarah."

Brilliant.

Wait, do I really have tiny balls?

OK, boys,
I don't want anyone to panic,

but I've been told
we're entering the danger zone.

- Mr Timebomb, if you wouldn't mind...
- Fine.

Your prince is safe for the next
minute.

Check again, you bastard!

- Oh, now, that's interesting.
- What's interesting?

Nothing much. 52 seconds.

- You saw something.
- No big deal.

Just a man with a gun. 46 sec.

- This isn't a game.
- Yes It is.

It's called "Wave At The Sniper".
Hello, Mr Sniper! He's in here.

- Stop that, you stupid queer!
- Very bad time for name-calling.

- 22 sec.
- What do you need?

- I'll give you anything!
- I'd like one small dead prince.

- Anything else?
- That's what I want. 10 sec.

Are you gonna let me die?

Maybe. I haven't decided.
Six seconds.

- Well?
- Still deciding. Three, two...

- Please!
- OK then.

Happy now?

I'm covered in glass,
I've just wet my pants,

and I've got my face
in a gay man's lap.

What do you think?

Yeah, yeah, we've all been there.

Oh, so now you've got a problem
with my powers, have you?

You didn't seem to mind when you
needed a little spark in the bedroom.

- Don't bring that up in here!
- Every man likes a bit of ball action

but electrocuting them?
Pretty fucking weird!

I just didn't want our love life
to get dry.

Things never get dry with you, not with
the amount of sweat you pump out.

I've got heat powers!

You've got a gland problem, chunky!

You can talk. I'm surprised you can
still get that arse in your costume!

You are so fucking insensitive.

Oh, if I'm so insensitive,
then what do you call this?

Did it get caught up your arse?

I wore that cheap gay ring you bought me
every day for six months.

And every time I used my powers,
it burned like hell.

Why didn't you tell me, you idiot?

- Because it's not what boys do!
- Oh, you're so annoying!

- You're so annoying!
- Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Oopsie.

So we're in a field,

and the cows are mooing...

in a sexy way.

Love me, touch me...

- OK, I'm touching you.
- Where?

The winkle area.
Now I'm hoicking up my dress

and you can see everything.

So can the cows but I'm trying
not to let that put me off.

- Oh, She-Force...
- And now we're, you know, on the job.

And your love-making is... oceanic

and magnificent.

When I look into your eyes, I can see
a whole bright future ahead of us.

- Really?
- And we'll continue to make love

for many years on a beautiful bed
that we picked out together at Homebase

and bought with a combination of credit
and vouchers we got from our wedding.

- Oh, God.
- The love-making continues,

but we're finding it
tricky to conceive.

You try loose-fitting boxers
and active yoghurt drinks.

But nothing seems to help.

Then, one night, you come home
covered in blood.

You say everything's gonna be fine.

And... I don't wanna ask
where the money's coming from.

I don't care! Because finally,

finally, we can afford IVF.

- She-Force, don't!
- What?

Didn't you like the bed?

No, the bed's lovely. It's just...
It's all too much.

I'm just not ready
for that level of commitment right now.

Here we go.

- It's not you, it's me.
- Save it.

Just save it, Lightkiller.

Can we be friends?

- I'd really like that.
- I don't think that's gonna happen.

She-Force, I don't want you
to think of me as the bad guy, here.

But I think one of us
is gonna have to leave.

Oh, and you're saying
that it has to be me?

Typical.

Oh, wait, let me get this straight.

You're firing me
for saving his life?

No, Mr Timebomb,
he's firing you for, and I quote,

"touching him with your sinister,
queer hands."

You know I got piss on my costume?
I can smell that, yes.

Are you gonna pay
to have it cleaned?

No, but on the bright side,
it is royal piss, so...

If you'll excuse me, I should get
back to the hotel.

Fine. All I'm saying is,
snipers tend to finish the job.

Mr Timebomb, you're no longer
on the payroll. We'll be fine from here.

Just look out
for the anti-tank missile.

Sorry, what anti-tank missile?

That one.

Earlier this evening, the emergency
services were summoned to the scene

of a limousine explosion
in the Docklands area."

- So, are you gonna see him again?
- I don't think so.

We might bump into each other
somewhere down the line, but you know...

- You can do better than him, anyway.
- At least nobody died.

- Don't ask.
- How'd it go with you and Alex?

- Why's he standing over there?
- This is completely ridiculous.

Let's just say, it's better
for Alex and I if we stay... split up.

It's not fair. She broke the rules.
Why am I the one getting punished?

I can't trust you to be sensible.
I've to separate you.

Simon, we're not kids!

Why's Sarah sitting
in my special chair?

"Ooh, I'm The Sadness.

All my little friends are having fun
without me and I'm lonely."

What is your problem, Devlin?

A real man like me would have been
balls deep in ElectroGash right by now.

- Well, you can't win 'em all.
- Yes, I can, Hotpants.

When Sarah gives in,
you know what's gonna happen?

- No.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I thought
it'd be something like that.

♪ I wanna sex you up

♪ All night

♪ I want...

♪ Let me take off all your clothes

♪ Disconnect the phone

♪ so nobody knows, yeah

♪ Let me light a candle
so can make it better

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