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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,079 --> 00:00:04,046 [energetic brass music] 2 00:00:04,082 --> 00:00:08,484 ? 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,419 I can't believe the show is ending. 4 00:00:10,455 --> 00:00:12,321 How do they expect you to afford a subscription 5 00:00:12,357 --> 00:00:15,124 to a monthly jobs website if you don't have a job? 6 00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:16,760 Try Craigslist. It's free. 7 00:00:16,785 --> 00:00:18,084 Are there good jobs on there? 8 00:00:18,109 --> 00:00:20,304 No, but that wasn't the basis for your inquiry. 9 00:00:20,329 --> 00:00:22,125 Well, at least there are sites for your line of work. 10 00:00:22,150 --> 00:00:24,118 I have to troll celebs on Instagram 11 00:00:24,143 --> 00:00:26,209 and be like, "Hey, I'm available." 12 00:00:26,371 --> 00:00:27,503 I think I might just go home 13 00:00:27,539 --> 00:00:29,338 and spend some time with my family. 14 00:00:29,374 --> 00:00:31,147 - Where's home? - It depends on the time of year. 15 00:00:31,172 --> 00:00:32,795 Right now, it's the Bahamas, 16 00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:35,288 but Daddy loves the Caribbean so much 17 00:00:35,313 --> 00:00:38,195 that he bought four islands there last summer. 18 00:00:38,220 --> 00:00:40,353 Wait, Phil. Who is your dad? 19 00:00:40,378 --> 00:00:41,711 You know who Ronald Perelman is? 20 00:00:41,736 --> 00:00:43,948 The billionaire chairman of Revlon? 21 00:00:43,973 --> 00:00:45,105 That's your dad? 22 00:00:45,390 --> 00:00:47,509 No. My dad is his boss. 23 00:00:50,161 --> 00:00:52,361 Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! 24 00:00:52,397 --> 00:00:53,450 Great show, great show. 25 00:00:53,475 --> 00:00:55,716 J.J. Abrams is here. Ha ha! 26 00:00:55,741 --> 00:00:56,873 Beep, boop, beep, boop. 27 00:00:56,898 --> 00:00:58,045 Star Wars. 28 00:01:00,148 --> 00:01:02,827 The Force Awaits You, J.J. Abrams. 29 00:01:02,852 --> 00:01:03,884 What's the matter? 30 00:01:03,909 --> 00:01:05,383 We're looking for jobs, Staci. 31 00:01:05,408 --> 00:01:06,477 You have jobs. 32 00:01:06,502 --> 00:01:07,531 Not for long. 33 00:01:07,556 --> 00:01:09,219 - Penny! - We know everything. 34 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:11,667 The show's ending, and you stole Penny's diaries 35 00:01:11,692 --> 00:01:12,714 to write your tell-all. 36 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,188 Oh, and she hates you. 37 00:01:14,218 --> 00:01:16,194 Excuse me. Do not blame me. 38 00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:17,764 Blame Christie Brinkley. 39 00:01:18,070 --> 00:01:20,070 Ever since she started dating Jimmy, 40 00:01:20,325 --> 00:01:22,962 she's always pushing him to do "smarter" projects. 41 00:01:22,987 --> 00:01:24,650 Anyway, we have a great show. 42 00:01:24,675 --> 00:01:25,841 We have J.J. Abrams. 43 00:01:25,866 --> 00:01:27,833 We have Patty the Potato Chip Lady. 44 00:01:27,858 --> 00:01:29,725 Aw, is she bringing her potato chip 45 00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,537 that looks like Kim Kardashian? 46 00:01:31,562 --> 00:01:32,894 She's bringing Kylie and Kendall 47 00:01:32,919 --> 00:01:35,820 and a little crinkly one that looks like Caitlyn Jenner. 48 00:01:36,474 --> 00:01:39,442 Penny, you're producing the game tonight. 49 00:01:39,477 --> 00:01:41,816 Can you please the traitor 50 00:01:41,841 --> 00:01:43,354 standing at the front of the room 51 00:01:43,379 --> 00:01:44,734 that I heard her? 52 00:01:44,759 --> 00:01:46,626 Penny, you're not speaking to me? 53 00:01:46,651 --> 00:01:48,336 Can you please tell the traitor 54 00:01:48,361 --> 00:01:49,907 standing at the front of the room 55 00:01:49,932 --> 00:01:51,898 that I am not speaking to her? 56 00:01:51,923 --> 00:01:54,156 Penny, games are supposed to be fun, 57 00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:55,841 and you're really ruining all the fun 58 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:58,571 with this horrible attitude, God damn it! 59 00:01:58,935 --> 00:02:01,491 Todd, you're producing the game tonight! 60 00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:02,788 [whimpers] 61 00:02:03,928 --> 00:02:05,616 ? 62 00:02:05,641 --> 00:02:07,447 [Male announcer:] From Studio 9B 63 00:02:07,472 --> 00:02:09,573 in the heart of New York City, 64 00:02:09,598 --> 00:02:11,865 it's "Nightcap with Jimmy." 65 00:02:12,231 --> 00:02:15,065 Tonight, from a galaxy far, far away, 66 00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:17,357 J.J. Abrams. 67 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:21,842 Queen of the lookalike spuds, Patty the Potato Chip Lady. 68 00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:25,969 America's favorite new game, Mass Transit Karaoke. 69 00:02:26,491 --> 00:02:28,772 And now number five in the ratings 70 00:02:28,797 --> 00:02:30,763 but number one in our hearts, 71 00:02:31,229 --> 00:02:33,295 here's Jimmy. 72 00:02:33,331 --> 00:02:36,048 -- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com -- 73 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,799 [knocking at door] J.J. Abrams. 74 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,090 - Hey. - Hey! 75 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,236 Oh, my gosh, it's so great to see you. Staci. 76 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:42,359 Oh. Hey, good to see you, Staci. 77 00:02:42,384 --> 00:02:43,456 - God, it's been years. - I know. 78 00:02:43,481 --> 00:02:45,541 Well, there's a lot of changes around here. 79 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:46,566 - You should know. - Oh, yeah? 80 00:02:46,591 --> 00:02:47,746 - Yeah. - Like what? 81 00:02:47,771 --> 00:02:52,281 Somebody else is also a writer-producer-director. 82 00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:53,416 Oh, my God, Jimmy? 83 00:02:53,451 --> 00:02:55,133 No, he's illiterate. 84 00:02:55,158 --> 00:02:58,212 And also, this is probably the last episode of his show. 85 00:02:58,237 --> 00:02:59,400 - He's leaving. - Oh, you're kidding. 86 00:02:59,425 --> 00:03:00,970 - No. - Oh my god, I don't know. 87 00:03:00,995 --> 00:03:04,323 But it has launched quite a writer in me. 88 00:03:04,348 --> 00:03:05,935 I'm about to embark on something 89 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,794 I never thought I was capable of. 90 00:03:08,839 --> 00:03:09,971 I am now playing 91 00:03:09,996 --> 00:03:12,580 in the same creative sandbox as you. 92 00:03:12,605 --> 00:03:14,119 - Oh. - Yes. 93 00:03:14,144 --> 00:03:15,878 I actually have a book deal. 94 00:03:15,903 --> 00:03:17,597 Wow, that's amazing. Congratulations. 95 00:03:17,622 --> 00:03:18,822 That's... that's great. 96 00:03:18,847 --> 00:03:20,292 Can we just talk about the segment for a second? 97 00:03:20,317 --> 00:03:21,557 - Sure. - So I was thinking 98 00:03:21,582 --> 00:03:23,438 there's this story about my kids. 99 00:03:23,463 --> 00:03:25,425 We were in Ireland, and we were driving... 100 00:03:25,450 --> 00:03:28,150 This feels like something for Howard Stern. 101 00:03:28,186 --> 00:03:29,385 What I want to talk to you about... 102 00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:30,950 Are you okay? Your eyes are getting a little... 103 00:03:30,975 --> 00:03:32,450 I feel like I'm getting a little bit of a migraine. 104 00:03:32,475 --> 00:03:33,482 - Are you? - Is there any water? 105 00:03:33,507 --> 00:03:36,475 Yeah, just a second. I'm talking about a collaboration here. 106 00:03:37,965 --> 00:03:39,287 You and I should collaborate? 107 00:03:39,312 --> 00:03:42,660 Yes, I've got an idea that I think is pretty fresh. 108 00:03:42,685 --> 00:03:43,918 Water would be so good. 109 00:03:43,943 --> 00:03:46,300 Oh, I'm so glad you said water! 110 00:03:46,325 --> 00:03:49,011 My God, the chemistry is unbelievable. 111 00:03:49,036 --> 00:03:50,272 This is... this is chemistry? 112 00:03:50,308 --> 00:03:52,668 Yeah. Oh, my God! We're, like, finishing each other's sentences. 113 00:03:52,693 --> 00:03:53,745 Or you're just talking at me. 114 00:03:53,770 --> 00:03:54,816 - Oh! - Water would be amazing. 115 00:03:54,841 --> 00:03:56,996 Okay, well, see, water is the basis 116 00:03:57,021 --> 00:03:58,895 of my idea for my blockbuster movie. 117 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,753 - Okay. - Okay, close your eyes. 118 00:04:01,505 --> 00:04:02,567 Like literally close my eyes? 119 00:04:02,592 --> 00:04:04,292 Yeah, literally close your eyes. 120 00:04:06,157 --> 00:04:08,180 - Picture a small New England town... - Mm-hmm. 121 00:04:08,205 --> 00:04:09,774 Surrounded by water. 122 00:04:10,294 --> 00:04:11,953 There is a naked woman swimming, 123 00:04:11,978 --> 00:04:14,078 and something is lurking beneath, 124 00:04:14,465 --> 00:04:17,759 something in the form of a great white shark. 125 00:04:19,815 --> 00:04:21,641 - "Jaws." - That's a great name. 126 00:04:21,666 --> 00:04:22,924 I was gonna call it "Teethy," but... 127 00:04:22,949 --> 00:04:27,220 No, but "Jaws" is the... The most famous movie ever. 128 00:04:27,245 --> 00:04:29,222 - Steven Spielberg directed it. - I never saw it. 129 00:04:29,247 --> 00:04:30,913 - You never saw "Jaws"? - Nope. 130 00:04:31,149 --> 00:04:32,205 That's... amazing. 131 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,956 - Spielberg directed it? - It's all good. Yeah. 132 00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:35,042 Great minds, right? 133 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,981 Yeah. Is there any water? I'm, like, parched. 134 00:04:37,006 --> 00:04:40,551 I get it. I get it. Every Hollywood meeting needs bottled water. 135 00:04:40,576 --> 00:04:43,424 Okay, I'm going to get that for you, and you stay right there. 136 00:04:43,712 --> 00:04:44,878 - All right. - Okay, Jage? 137 00:04:45,296 --> 00:04:46,622 - "Jage," okay. - Okay. 138 00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:48,747 Oh, well, we're gonna work on my nickname, 139 00:04:48,772 --> 00:04:50,505 but I love "Bubbles." 140 00:04:50,530 --> 00:04:51,596 All right, Bubbles. 141 00:04:51,621 --> 00:04:54,255 Holy [bleep]. 142 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:57,659 [energetic band music] 143 00:04:57,684 --> 00:04:58,884 [both:] Oh, Phillip. 144 00:04:58,909 --> 00:05:00,776 Look what we've prepared. 145 00:05:00,977 --> 00:05:03,514 - Ants on a log? That's my favorite. - [Both:] Mm-hmm. 146 00:05:03,539 --> 00:05:05,514 Now that our "Nightcap" tenure is concluded... 147 00:05:05,550 --> 00:05:06,968 We were wondering if your parents 148 00:05:06,993 --> 00:05:09,160 might be in need of two personal chefs. 149 00:05:09,453 --> 00:05:11,732 Well, can you make anything else? 150 00:05:11,757 --> 00:05:13,457 My parents are real foodies. 151 00:05:13,482 --> 00:05:15,489 - Can we? - We have plenty of delectables 152 00:05:15,514 --> 00:05:17,870 we haven't wasted on these heathens. 153 00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:19,364 And we would love to serve them 154 00:05:19,389 --> 00:05:20,991 to your beautiful family. 155 00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,581 And we fully accept all the risks posed 156 00:05:23,606 --> 00:05:25,150 by the Caribbean sun. 157 00:05:25,175 --> 00:05:27,479 - We don't tan. - We melanoma. 158 00:05:27,624 --> 00:05:29,724 I'll ask Daddy. 159 00:05:30,041 --> 00:05:31,473 But in the meantime, 160 00:05:31,509 --> 00:05:34,310 let's get these ants in my mouth. [laughs] 161 00:05:34,345 --> 00:05:36,412 And the log they rode in on. 162 00:05:36,447 --> 00:05:38,214 All right, Jage, I got you water. 163 00:05:38,249 --> 00:05:39,448 Oh, thank you so much. 164 00:05:39,483 --> 00:05:41,684 I was dusting off some of my old scrips, 165 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,043 and I think I might have a hit. 166 00:05:44,068 --> 00:05:46,562 I mean, I know you're not kind of a visual thinker, 167 00:05:46,587 --> 00:05:49,492 so how about if you read the stage directions? 168 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:51,867 I'll do all the parts. 169 00:05:52,013 --> 00:05:53,713 - So this is happening now? - Yeah. 170 00:05:53,975 --> 00:05:55,274 Don't you need to do the pre-interview? 171 00:05:55,299 --> 00:05:57,094 Oh, no, you're good. You're a pro. 172 00:05:57,119 --> 00:05:58,352 [clears throat] 173 00:05:58,918 --> 00:06:03,854 "Exterior: Rikers Island prison yard, dusk. 174 00:06:04,242 --> 00:06:06,531 "Inmates walk around the yard playing basketball 175 00:06:06,556 --> 00:06:08,623 "and shivving each other. 176 00:06:08,648 --> 00:06:10,415 Blood everywhere." 177 00:06:12,732 --> 00:06:14,432 Keep going. It'll make sense in a minute. 178 00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:16,714 [clears throat] "John Smith", 179 00:06:16,739 --> 00:06:18,531 "the hermaphrodite warden, 180 00:06:18,556 --> 00:06:22,035 "approaches famous inmate Lucy 'Claws' McGee, 181 00:06:22,060 --> 00:06:24,694 aka The Lobster Girl Killer." 182 00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:26,085 This is [bleep] weird. 183 00:06:26,430 --> 00:06:29,498 Okay, well, this is actually based on my true-life story. 184 00:06:29,533 --> 00:06:31,353 What? You're The Lobster Girl Killer? 185 00:06:31,378 --> 00:06:33,346 Okay, well, I'm not a killer, 186 00:06:33,371 --> 00:06:36,517 but, um, can this just be between you and me? 187 00:06:36,542 --> 00:06:37,547 Sure. 188 00:06:37,572 --> 00:06:40,306 I was born with fused fingers... 189 00:06:40,331 --> 00:06:41,731 You know, like oven mitts? 190 00:06:41,756 --> 00:06:44,210 So I spent the first ten years of my life 191 00:06:44,235 --> 00:06:45,582 being called "Lobster Girl." 192 00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:46,966 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 193 00:06:46,991 --> 00:06:48,123 - Really? - Yeah. 194 00:06:48,486 --> 00:06:49,520 That's actually an amazing story. 195 00:06:49,545 --> 00:06:50,978 You should do a movie about that. 196 00:06:51,555 --> 00:06:53,355 I'm not gonna do a movie about it. 197 00:06:53,391 --> 00:06:56,125 My God, it's taken me years and shock therapy 198 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,426 just to... to get over it. 199 00:06:57,461 --> 00:06:58,906 Do you know how many dates I had to turn down 200 00:06:58,931 --> 00:07:00,193 'cause they wanted to meet me at Red Lobster? 201 00:07:00,218 --> 00:07:01,825 No, but this is, like, what Hollywood needs... 202 00:07:01,850 --> 00:07:03,922 - Like, personal... - J.J. it's a pass! 203 00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:07,078 All right. 204 00:07:07,103 --> 00:07:08,704 Don't put me through this again. 205 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,529 Just to be clear, I'm not putting you through anything. 206 00:07:10,645 --> 00:07:12,125 And, look, if you want to do it your way, 207 00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:13,199 which is totally fine, 208 00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:14,598 you're gonna need a big star, so... 209 00:07:14,623 --> 00:07:15,722 I can get you a big star. 210 00:07:15,816 --> 00:07:16,866 Wait, what? 211 00:07:16,891 --> 00:07:18,371 I am a talent booker. 212 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:19,795 I can get you a star. 213 00:07:20,484 --> 00:07:22,351 But it's got to be before I leave, okay? 214 00:07:22,386 --> 00:07:23,915 'Cause that's how fast these things work. 215 00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:25,321 It's on, partner. 216 00:07:26,891 --> 00:07:28,665 Oh, it's so on, Jage. 217 00:07:30,774 --> 00:07:32,133 Thanks, Bubbles. 218 00:07:32,158 --> 00:07:35,660 [energetic brass music] 219 00:07:37,509 --> 00:07:39,335 Hey, hey, we got to deal with tomorrow. 220 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,280 So Charlie Rose says he'll take his shirt off 221 00:07:41,305 --> 00:07:43,000 for the sketch, but Lauer's not gonna do it. 222 00:07:43,025 --> 00:07:44,958 He had some kind of waxing mishap. 223 00:07:45,142 --> 00:07:46,842 Hello? 224 00:07:47,611 --> 00:07:49,611 Oh, so you're just never gonna speak to me again? 225 00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:51,500 If you want to know what I have to say, 226 00:07:51,525 --> 00:07:54,571 why don't you just read my private, intimate diaries? 227 00:07:55,353 --> 00:07:58,284 Shame on you, Staci Cole. 228 00:07:58,309 --> 00:07:59,320 Penny... 229 00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:00,945 How could you just go through them 230 00:08:00,970 --> 00:08:02,937 and not tell me what you were gonna do with them? 231 00:08:03,559 --> 00:08:05,001 - Okay, about the... - You're terrible. 232 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,173 All you care about is the millions of dollars 233 00:08:07,198 --> 00:08:09,182 that you're gonna make off of the book. 234 00:08:09,798 --> 00:08:11,031 You really think it's gonna do that well? 235 00:08:11,245 --> 00:08:12,930 While the rest of us have nothing. 236 00:08:12,955 --> 00:08:14,955 Uh-uh-uh, not entirely. 237 00:08:15,272 --> 00:08:17,912 Guess who I'm gonna dedicate the book to. 238 00:08:19,568 --> 00:08:20,667 Penny. 239 00:08:21,946 --> 00:08:24,356 How could you just go through my personal things? 240 00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:25,680 I feel so violated. 241 00:08:25,705 --> 00:08:27,293 Penny, I'm not gonna tell anybody 242 00:08:27,318 --> 00:08:28,665 that you have a crush on Tim Allen. 243 00:08:28,690 --> 00:08:31,094 I'm over him, by the way, but it's not just about that. 244 00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:33,510 It's that when you found out what was going on, 245 00:08:33,535 --> 00:08:35,468 you didn't even try to save the show. 246 00:08:35,493 --> 00:08:37,493 You just jumped on this book deal. 247 00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:41,317 We both know that if you write this tell-all book, that's it. 248 00:08:41,342 --> 00:08:43,904 Your career as a talent booker is over. 249 00:08:44,301 --> 00:08:46,168 You know what time it is? 250 00:08:46,203 --> 00:08:50,639 It's time for baby bird to fly away. 251 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,622 [chirping] 252 00:08:52,676 --> 00:08:55,074 You have gotten a lot of experience from working here. 253 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,988 You can go out and get any job you want. 254 00:08:58,194 --> 00:09:01,788 These are all of my rejected job applications. 255 00:09:03,757 --> 00:09:05,094 Did you try Craigslist? 256 00:09:05,119 --> 00:09:07,186 ? 257 00:09:08,092 --> 00:09:09,514 Hey, Christie. 258 00:09:09,539 --> 00:09:11,705 I brought these for you. 259 00:09:12,263 --> 00:09:14,014 So... whatcha reading? 260 00:09:14,039 --> 00:09:17,040 Oh, I'm just reading some film scripts for Jimmy. 261 00:09:17,368 --> 00:09:18,786 Can I ask you a question? 262 00:09:18,811 --> 00:09:21,822 Why are you so adamant about Jimmy leaving this show? 263 00:09:21,847 --> 00:09:23,580 - You're joking, right? - No. 264 00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,792 The show's a sinking ship. 265 00:09:25,902 --> 00:09:28,862 I mean, it was cool when it started, 266 00:09:28,887 --> 00:09:30,854 but Jimmy's outgrown it. 267 00:09:31,348 --> 00:09:34,139 What about everybody that works on the show? 268 00:09:34,164 --> 00:09:35,998 He's gonna take care of everybody. 269 00:09:36,023 --> 00:09:37,616 - Really? - Yeah. 270 00:09:38,114 --> 00:09:40,149 He's getting everybody 271 00:09:40,174 --> 00:09:43,134 floating basketball sets for their pools. 272 00:09:43,159 --> 00:09:45,071 For their pools? 273 00:09:45,096 --> 00:09:46,261 The people that work on the show 274 00:09:46,297 --> 00:09:48,363 live in tiny apartments in Queens. 275 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:49,911 Well, so they send it to their house 276 00:09:49,936 --> 00:09:51,736 in LA or the Hamptons. 277 00:09:51,761 --> 00:09:53,161 What about everybody's jobs? 278 00:09:53,316 --> 00:09:55,081 Oh, I talked to Jimmy about that. 279 00:09:55,106 --> 00:09:56,139 And? 280 00:09:56,164 --> 00:09:57,609 He doesn't give a [bleep]. 281 00:09:57,634 --> 00:10:00,204 ? 282 00:10:00,611 --> 00:10:04,513 ? 283 00:10:06,048 --> 00:10:07,615 Penny! 284 00:10:09,185 --> 00:10:11,874 - Hear no evil, Todd. - [grunts] 285 00:10:11,899 --> 00:10:14,622 Penny, I'm sorry for taking your diaries. 286 00:10:16,125 --> 00:10:18,793 And for betraying your trust. 287 00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:22,897 And it'll never happen again. 288 00:10:24,901 --> 00:10:26,000 Jesus Christ, Penny! 289 00:10:26,035 --> 00:10:27,835 Do you want to save the show or not? 290 00:10:27,870 --> 00:10:29,170 Wait, what? 291 00:10:29,205 --> 00:10:31,005 Listen, I was thinking, okay? 292 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:34,074 The only reason Jimmy is leaving is 'cause of Christie. 293 00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:36,911 We get rid of Christie, Jimmy stays. 294 00:10:36,946 --> 00:10:38,625 But what about your book? 295 00:10:38,650 --> 00:10:39,749 Oh, [bleep] my book. 296 00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:41,608 [gasps] Yeah! 297 00:10:41,951 --> 00:10:43,184 Oh, my God! 298 00:10:43,219 --> 00:10:45,642 Your boobs are so much bigger than I thought! 299 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,800 Yeah! Yeah! [laughs] 300 00:10:47,825 --> 00:10:50,826 - Jesus! - Oh, what is that smell? 301 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,417 It's you. 302 00:10:52,442 --> 00:10:53,708 Oh, yeah. 303 00:10:53,963 --> 00:10:54,963 Oops. 304 00:10:54,997 --> 00:10:58,132 ? 305 00:10:58,167 --> 00:10:59,800 I just learned a lot reading these diaries. 306 00:10:59,836 --> 00:11:01,382 - Like what? - Well, number one, 307 00:11:01,407 --> 00:11:03,247 you spend way too much time in the Cry Closet. 308 00:11:03,272 --> 00:11:05,701 And number two, Jimmy's the biggest asshole in the whole world. 309 00:11:05,726 --> 00:11:07,513 Yeah, but we knew all of that already. 310 00:11:07,538 --> 00:11:10,044 Yes, honey, but Christie Brinkley does not know. 311 00:11:10,079 --> 00:11:11,817 I'm gonna have her read these diaries, 312 00:11:11,842 --> 00:11:13,147 realize what a jerk he is. 313 00:11:13,182 --> 00:11:15,576 She's going to leave him, and I'll have saved "Nightcap." 314 00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:16,667 [laughs] 315 00:11:16,692 --> 00:11:17,865 "And right after the show, 316 00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:19,823 "Staci served the birthday cake. 317 00:11:19,956 --> 00:11:22,890 Todd told her Jimmy peed on it." 318 00:11:22,925 --> 00:11:25,826 Oh, my God. 319 00:11:25,862 --> 00:11:26,984 I know, Christie. 320 00:11:27,009 --> 00:11:29,132 I didn't want to be the one to reveal it, 321 00:11:29,157 --> 00:11:30,865 but Jimmy is so... 322 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,867 So funny. 323 00:11:32,902 --> 00:11:36,003 Oh, what did you do about the pee cake? 324 00:11:36,038 --> 00:11:40,579 Well, I... I slapped it out of Barbara Bush's hands. 325 00:11:40,604 --> 00:11:44,088 Such a mind for political satire. 326 00:11:44,113 --> 00:11:45,869 It wasn't political satire. 327 00:11:45,894 --> 00:11:48,829 "June 6, 2014. 328 00:11:48,869 --> 00:11:51,195 "Stephen Hawking was tonight's guest. 329 00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:54,101 "After the show, Jimmy lured Mr. Hawking 330 00:11:54,126 --> 00:11:57,435 "to the roof of the studio and locked him up there 331 00:11:57,460 --> 00:12:00,261 in the freezing rain for two hours." 332 00:12:00,296 --> 00:12:03,454 Hawking was diagnosed with pneumonia after that, 333 00:12:03,479 --> 00:12:06,268 and his wheelchair was rusted solid. 334 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,112 Hawking deserved it. 335 00:12:08,137 --> 00:12:11,605 He cheated on his wife in that movie. 336 00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,373 Oh, Officer Phil. 337 00:12:15,398 --> 00:12:16,722 How lovely to see you again. 338 00:12:16,747 --> 00:12:17,910 May we entice your taste buds 339 00:12:17,935 --> 00:12:19,234 with some delicious blinis 340 00:12:19,259 --> 00:12:22,281 topped with a dollop of cr�me fraiche and caviar? 341 00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:23,505 Beluga. 342 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,754 That's my father's favorite. 343 00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:27,955 Mmm! 344 00:12:27,990 --> 00:12:30,958 This is as good as Uncle Boris used to get. 345 00:12:30,993 --> 00:12:32,960 Uncle Boris has a wonderful palate. 346 00:12:32,995 --> 00:12:35,229 Yeah, most Russian oligarchs do. 347 00:12:35,264 --> 00:12:38,532 Have you spoken to your father? 348 00:12:38,844 --> 00:12:40,411 Yes. 349 00:12:41,337 --> 00:12:43,938 Did you ask him about hiring us for the boat? 350 00:12:43,973 --> 00:12:45,472 [chuckles] Oh! 351 00:12:45,508 --> 00:12:46,515 Yes. 352 00:12:47,542 --> 00:12:48,641 What'd he say? 353 00:12:49,045 --> 00:12:51,360 Father said he would hire you. 354 00:12:51,385 --> 00:12:53,157 But only one of you. 355 00:12:53,182 --> 00:12:55,749 I am just terrible at making decisions, 356 00:12:55,785 --> 00:12:57,785 so will you two choose? 357 00:12:58,988 --> 00:13:01,021 If you father will only have one of us, 358 00:13:01,057 --> 00:13:03,223 then he will have neither of us. 359 00:13:03,259 --> 00:13:05,339 We came into this world together, 360 00:13:05,364 --> 00:13:08,729 and we'll be damned if we don't go out the same way. 361 00:13:08,764 --> 00:13:10,397 Okay. 362 00:13:11,464 --> 00:13:13,644 I just never thought the show was gonna end this way, 363 00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:14,683 you know, Penny? 364 00:13:14,708 --> 00:13:15,769 Me neither. 365 00:13:15,805 --> 00:13:17,004 Nor me. 366 00:13:17,039 --> 00:13:19,668 Davis, how much longer do you think we have? 367 00:13:19,693 --> 00:13:21,075 Well, Miss Thing is reading 368 00:13:21,110 --> 00:13:23,110 all kinds of "smart scripts" for Jimmy, 369 00:13:23,145 --> 00:13:24,244 so it could be any day now. 370 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,879 Well, legally, there are some things 371 00:13:25,915 --> 00:13:27,014 that still need to be undone... 372 00:13:27,049 --> 00:13:28,874 Affiliate agreements, his contract, 373 00:13:28,899 --> 00:13:30,895 and some other marketing commitments. 374 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,911 You're so calm about this. 375 00:13:32,936 --> 00:13:35,521 Penny, it's the nature of the business we're in. Always changing. 376 00:13:35,546 --> 00:13:37,340 I forget you're used to bouncing 377 00:13:37,365 --> 00:13:38,841 from one job to the next. 378 00:13:38,866 --> 00:13:40,827 So you're just gonna go to another [bleep] show, right? 379 00:13:40,852 --> 00:13:42,974 Yeah, there's a new Katherine Heigl project 380 00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:44,121 in the works. 381 00:13:44,146 --> 00:13:45,799 Let me tell you something, Penny. 382 00:13:45,835 --> 00:13:47,668 Take note. 383 00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:49,471 This is a perfect example 384 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,839 of network executive bull[bleep]. 385 00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:53,289 This is why the industry 386 00:13:53,314 --> 00:13:54,600 is going down the toilet. 387 00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,513 Davis will go from show to show, 388 00:13:56,538 --> 00:13:58,685 doing his whole Infinity song and dance, 389 00:13:58,710 --> 00:13:59,980 and everyone's going to listen to him, 390 00:14:00,016 --> 00:14:01,045 just like we did. 391 00:14:01,070 --> 00:14:02,869 Staci, you're the best talent booker I've ever seen. 392 00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:04,818 My Infinity stuff doesn't matter 393 00:14:04,854 --> 00:14:06,445 if you can't actually book the guest. 394 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:07,855 It's true, Staci. 395 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:09,094 You're the best. 396 00:14:09,119 --> 00:14:12,421 I just wish you could book your way out of this one. 397 00:14:12,446 --> 00:14:13,812 That's not a bad idea. 398 00:14:14,096 --> 00:14:16,096 What do you do when a guest cancels? 399 00:14:16,132 --> 00:14:17,421 - Drink. - Cry. 400 00:14:17,446 --> 00:14:18,764 You book another guest. 401 00:14:18,789 --> 00:14:21,101 I am not booking another threesome for Jimmy. 402 00:14:21,137 --> 00:14:23,280 No, we need to book someone to come between them. 403 00:14:23,324 --> 00:14:25,277 - Who? - Think about it. 404 00:14:25,302 --> 00:14:26,851 What does she want from him? 405 00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:29,655 We're not sure, but she's definitely getting syphilis. 406 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,868 To be a part of a Hollywood power couple. 407 00:14:31,893 --> 00:14:34,240 So what if we find a better partner 408 00:14:34,265 --> 00:14:36,076 for that purpose? 409 00:14:36,101 --> 00:14:38,185 We need to find a better Jimmy for her. 410 00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:41,488 I feel like I'm on "Mr. Robot." 411 00:14:42,224 --> 00:14:44,741 Since she wants to be one half of a power couple, 412 00:14:44,766 --> 00:14:46,380 we just need to find a compatible celeb 413 00:14:46,405 --> 00:14:48,490 whose Infinity score, when combined with hers... 414 00:14:48,515 --> 00:14:50,178 [gasps] Oh, my God. 415 00:14:50,203 --> 00:14:51,436 You're right. 416 00:14:51,461 --> 00:14:54,750 It becomes an instantaneous power couple, like Brangelina 417 00:14:54,775 --> 00:14:57,312 - or TomKat or Bennifer. - Exactly. 418 00:14:57,337 --> 00:14:58,735 But all of those couples are broken up. 419 00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:00,915 It doesn't matter. The point is, we just need someone 420 00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:03,054 to come in and get this wench out of here 421 00:15:03,079 --> 00:15:05,145 so Jimmy can just go back to banging whores 422 00:15:05,181 --> 00:15:07,539 and memorizing hacky monologue jokes. 423 00:15:07,564 --> 00:15:08,564 Ah! 424 00:15:08,588 --> 00:15:09,588 Bingo. 425 00:15:09,852 --> 00:15:11,498 That's her new Jimmy? 426 00:15:11,523 --> 00:15:13,787 The Infinity system is never wrong. 427 00:15:13,823 --> 00:15:15,722 Staci, you think you could book this? 428 00:15:15,758 --> 00:15:18,225 - [stirring music] - Davis, I'm Staci Cole. 429 00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:20,961 I'm the best talent booker in the business. 430 00:15:20,996 --> 00:15:23,276 Save us, Staci. 431 00:15:23,370 --> 00:15:25,370 ? 432 00:15:30,205 --> 00:15:32,139 Oh, Rachael Ray, 433 00:15:32,174 --> 00:15:33,806 we are so excited to have you. 434 00:15:33,831 --> 00:15:35,678 Thank you for coming on such short notice. 435 00:15:35,703 --> 00:15:36,869 It's no big deal. 436 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,802 - We really appreciate it. - So much. 437 00:15:38,827 --> 00:15:40,794 Okay, thank you. I mean, I don't have a whole lot 438 00:15:40,819 --> 00:15:42,382 of new stuff going on to promote. 439 00:15:42,418 --> 00:15:44,428 I just really love the opportunity 440 00:15:44,453 --> 00:15:46,101 to give Jimmy [bleep]. 441 00:15:46,126 --> 00:15:48,763 Well, Jimmy's a total dick, so... 442 00:15:48,788 --> 00:15:52,159 But I actually didn't book you to be on the show tonight. 443 00:15:52,194 --> 00:15:55,671 I kind of booked you to fall in love with someone. 444 00:15:56,302 --> 00:15:57,401 What? 445 00:15:57,426 --> 00:15:58,592 Presenting... 446 00:15:58,617 --> 00:16:00,387 Christie Brinkley! 447 00:16:00,412 --> 00:16:01,896 Hi. Nice to see you again. 448 00:16:01,921 --> 00:16:03,314 - How are you? - Great. 449 00:16:03,339 --> 00:16:05,305 - You look fabulous, as always. - You too. 450 00:16:05,341 --> 00:16:06,881 Ladies, please be seated. 451 00:16:06,906 --> 00:16:07,939 Okay. 452 00:16:08,039 --> 00:16:09,690 What... what am I doing here? 453 00:16:09,715 --> 00:16:12,256 You are here to fall in love with Christie. 454 00:16:12,281 --> 00:16:13,775 - Wait, what? - What? 455 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,282 I mean, no, not really fall in love, 456 00:16:15,317 --> 00:16:17,184 but, you know, fall in fake love. 457 00:16:17,219 --> 00:16:18,963 You know, just for the cameras. 458 00:16:18,988 --> 00:16:20,331 I don't understand. 459 00:16:20,356 --> 00:16:22,707 Miss Ray, Davis Maxfield. Let me clarify. 460 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,700 - Uh-huh. - You and Christie both have 461 00:16:24,725 --> 00:16:26,391 respectable Infinity ratings. 462 00:16:26,416 --> 00:16:27,896 But they could always be better. 463 00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:30,040 Now, when your numbers are run through the algorithm 464 00:16:30,065 --> 00:16:32,332 as a couple, your respective numbers shoot up 465 00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:34,071 into the 200s; that's like 466 00:16:34,096 --> 00:16:36,496 Barack Obama territory or Bindi Irwin. 467 00:16:36,521 --> 00:16:37,620 Yeah. 468 00:16:37,832 --> 00:16:39,232 What's an Affinity rating? 469 00:16:39,408 --> 00:16:41,701 No, it's an Infinity rating. 470 00:16:41,726 --> 00:16:43,153 Oh, you know about it? 471 00:16:43,178 --> 00:16:44,208 Yeah, I kind of have to. 472 00:16:44,233 --> 00:16:45,999 It aggregates box office receipts, 473 00:16:46,024 --> 00:16:47,871 TV ratings, and social media engagement 474 00:16:47,896 --> 00:16:50,361 into an algorithm that tells you how popular you are. 475 00:16:50,386 --> 00:16:53,053 If your Infinity ratings go up, 476 00:16:53,088 --> 00:16:54,435 then you boost your ratings. 477 00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:56,819 - Yes. - I'm already with a celebrity. 478 00:16:56,844 --> 00:16:58,644 Yes, you are with a celebrity, 479 00:16:58,669 --> 00:16:59,768 but he's a loser. 480 00:16:59,793 --> 00:17:01,495 He's on a flailing network. 481 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,171 He's never gonna be anything more than he is right now. 482 00:17:04,196 --> 00:17:07,311 Everybody hates him. But everybody loves Rachael. 483 00:17:07,336 --> 00:17:10,322 Imagine if you were in a fake relationship with Rachael! 484 00:17:10,347 --> 00:17:12,016 It would be a PR bonanza! 485 00:17:12,041 --> 00:17:14,775 Christie and Rachael, Chrachael. 486 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,437 You'd be in this great, phenomenal, global 487 00:17:17,462 --> 00:17:18,844 fake relationship. 488 00:17:18,869 --> 00:17:22,392 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I love my husband. 489 00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,295 Well, husbands do come and go. 490 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:28,600 It would be fun to be one of those people, 491 00:17:28,625 --> 00:17:31,191 you know, that everybody's kind of buzzing about. 492 00:17:31,226 --> 00:17:33,155 - You got that right. - No, I... I... 493 00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:34,999 I mean, it would be kind of fun, maybe, 494 00:17:35,024 --> 00:17:36,490 to do some traveling. 495 00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,733 - We could travel. - Yes. 496 00:17:37,758 --> 00:17:39,093 I like traveling. 497 00:17:39,118 --> 00:17:42,141 - Yes. - And it wouldn't hurt to be 498 00:17:42,166 --> 00:17:45,750 an international superstar couple. 499 00:17:45,775 --> 00:17:47,642 What's it gonna be, Christie? 500 00:17:49,296 --> 00:17:50,395 [gasps] 501 00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:53,555 Tell Jimmy it's over. 502 00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:57,603 I'm in love with the idea of being in love with Rachael Ray. 503 00:17:57,628 --> 00:17:58,794 Whoo! 504 00:17:58,819 --> 00:18:00,197 Oh, my God, we're gonna do this! 505 00:18:00,222 --> 00:18:02,042 [Staci and Penny cheering] 506 00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:03,132 Oh, my God. 507 00:18:03,926 --> 00:18:06,092 ? 508 00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,665 Well, we saved the show 509 00:18:07,690 --> 00:18:10,378 and created a new lesbian power couple to boot. 510 00:18:10,403 --> 00:18:12,436 - [all talking] - Hear, hear. 511 00:18:13,035 --> 00:18:15,435 To the dysfunctional home we call "Nightcap." 512 00:18:15,471 --> 00:18:18,603 [all:] To the dysfunctional home we call "Nightcap." 513 00:18:18,628 --> 00:18:20,327 Have a great show, everybody. 514 00:18:21,773 --> 00:18:24,607 Oh, Staci, can I talk to you just for a second? 515 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,595 I just wanted to say I am so sorry 516 00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:29,553 for ever doubting your intentions. 517 00:18:29,768 --> 00:18:31,868 Oh, Penny, they were bad intentions. 518 00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,920 I'm really sorry. 519 00:18:33,956 --> 00:18:35,255 And let me tell you something. 520 00:18:35,290 --> 00:18:37,740 If I ever write some great tell-all book 521 00:18:37,765 --> 00:18:39,765 about "Nightcap," I'm gonna write it with you. 522 00:18:39,790 --> 00:18:41,133 Oh, thank you. 523 00:18:41,158 --> 00:18:42,190 80-20 split. 524 00:18:42,215 --> 00:18:43,266 Okay. 525 00:18:43,291 --> 00:18:45,409 I'm so happy to have my life back. 526 00:18:45,434 --> 00:18:47,110 You mean your life of standing in the shadow 527 00:18:47,135 --> 00:18:48,552 of an egomaniacal monster 528 00:18:48,577 --> 00:18:50,489 who has complete control over your financial well-being 529 00:18:50,514 --> 00:18:52,205 and has never shown you an ounce of respect? 530 00:18:52,241 --> 00:18:53,936 [chuckles] Yeah. 531 00:18:53,961 --> 00:18:55,298 The only bummer about the book deal is, 532 00:18:55,323 --> 00:18:57,221 I have to pay back the whole advance. 533 00:18:57,246 --> 00:18:58,734 You spent all that money already? 534 00:18:58,759 --> 00:18:59,958 Um, excuse me. 535 00:18:59,983 --> 00:19:01,795 Riverboat cruises are incredibly expensive. 536 00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:02,840 - Staci? - Yes. 537 00:19:02,865 --> 00:19:04,685 Isn't the show in, like, 20 minutes? What's my interview? 538 00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,822 Oh, my God, J.J., I am so sorry about before. 539 00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:08,606 I am never gonna pitch to you again. 540 00:19:08,631 --> 00:19:11,011 I was just in a really weird space in my life. 541 00:19:11,036 --> 00:19:12,206 All right. 542 00:19:12,231 --> 00:19:14,271 Anyway, I'm totally gonna make it up to you. 543 00:19:14,296 --> 00:19:17,020 Here I am: professional, Staci, talent booker. 544 00:19:17,045 --> 00:19:18,862 Tell me about your story in Ireland. 545 00:19:18,887 --> 00:19:20,028 You were on a meadow. 546 00:19:20,053 --> 00:19:21,575 Staci, there's a guy here 547 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,451 who says he has a meeting with J.J. Abrams 548 00:19:23,476 --> 00:19:25,376 and his new producing partner. 549 00:19:25,643 --> 00:19:28,610 [dramatic music] 550 00:19:28,911 --> 00:19:35,949 ? 551 00:19:44,026 --> 00:19:45,082 Oh, hey, Mark. 552 00:19:45,107 --> 00:19:46,309 Oh, God, I'm sorry. 553 00:19:46,334 --> 00:19:49,442 I forgot to cancel the meeting about our movie pitch. 554 00:19:49,572 --> 00:19:50,938 Mark, it's Hollywood. 555 00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:52,663 These things happen. Let it go. Trust me. 556 00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:55,420 ? 557 00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,673 Mark, I'm sorry about the mix-up. 558 00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,048 More like an outright lie. 559 00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:01,517 Well, copy that, but I do have something 560 00:20:01,542 --> 00:20:03,887 that maybe I can make it up to you. 561 00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:05,378 Picture this. 562 00:20:05,414 --> 00:20:07,526 A riverboat on a European river, 563 00:20:07,551 --> 00:20:08,635 cruising down. 564 00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:12,619 You, Mark, are the rugged, sun-kissed captain. 565 00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:16,540 Can I still be a hermaphrodite? 566 00:20:16,565 --> 00:20:17,898 Yes, you can! 567 00:20:17,923 --> 00:20:20,660 - Let's go to the car. - Oh, my gosh. 568 00:20:20,696 --> 00:20:22,962 J.J., I'm gonna send you a first draft. 569 00:20:22,987 --> 00:20:23,987 Okay. 570 00:20:24,012 --> 00:20:26,246 Produced by J.J., starring Mark Hamill. 571 00:20:26,271 --> 00:20:28,138 Oh, Staci, you are good. 572 00:20:28,679 --> 00:20:29,791 You're good. 573 00:20:29,816 --> 00:20:31,385 [whispers] And pretty. 574 00:20:31,479 --> 00:20:36,479 -- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com -- 575 00:20:36,529 --> 00:20:41,079 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41353

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