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[lively trumpet music]
2
00:00:03,913 --> 00:00:08,321
3
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- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- Are you okay?
4
00:00:10,713 --> 00:00:11,949
I shit in my pants.
5
00:00:11,981 --> 00:00:13,450
- Uh-oh.
- We have a big show tonight.
6
00:00:13,484 --> 00:00:14,952
We have, uh, George Stephanopoulos.
7
00:00:14,984 --> 00:00:16,519
He's gonna be talking
about the election.
8
00:00:16,553 --> 00:00:17,987
We have Mario Batali.
9
00:00:18,021 --> 00:00:19,789
Ooh.
10
00:00:19,822 --> 00:00:21,091
No wonder she's wearing makeup.
11
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- Okay.
- Why is she wearing makeup?
12
00:00:23,493 --> 00:00:25,172
I don't understand what's happening.
13
00:00:25,197 --> 00:00:27,464
Well, she used to have
a thing for Mario Batali
14
00:00:27,498 --> 00:00:28,555
and probably still does.
15
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Okay, we both enjoy cured meats, okay?
16
00:00:30,967 --> 00:00:32,576
- Uh-huh.
- Let's move on.
17
00:00:32,601 --> 00:00:34,529
Grady's a red-headed chef.
18
00:00:34,554 --> 00:00:37,774
You guys ever, uh, think
about, you know?
19
00:00:37,808 --> 00:00:40,317
I've seen her looking.
I'm not interested.
20
00:00:40,342 --> 00:00:41,946
The feeling is mutual, Grady.
21
00:00:41,979 --> 00:00:43,164
Great.
22
00:00:43,189 --> 00:00:45,742
Also, we have a female comedian.
23
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:47,775
Yes, Aparna Nancherla is on tonight.
24
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- She's gonna do a set.
- Oh, yeah.
25
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Guys, FYI,
26
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,432
I'm expanding my producing duties,
27
00:00:53,457 --> 00:00:55,449
and I'm gonna be doing
the Aparna Nancherla
28
00:00:55,474 --> 00:00:56,972
segment tonight, so...
29
00:00:56,997 --> 00:01:00,700
- Says who?
- Uh, me, uh, Jimmy.
30
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I ran the idea by him last
night at the Knicks game.
31
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- He's down.
- Uh, what's the idea, Todd?
32
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,214
Oh, my buddy Nate, uh,
he's dating Aparna,
33
00:01:08,239 --> 00:01:10,198
and he wants to propose
to her live on TV,
34
00:01:10,223 --> 00:01:12,675
and Jimmy's like, "Whoa,
that sweeps gold, baby.
35
00:01:12,709 --> 00:01:14,412
That sweeps gold!"
36
00:01:14,444 --> 00:01:16,946
I was like, "What is that?"
37
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What is that, seriously? Are you okay?
38
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- I'm fine.
- You got to take a dump.
39
00:01:22,185 --> 00:01:23,720
I'm gonna go make a call to Burbank,
40
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and you're not doing that segment.
41
00:01:25,295 --> 00:01:26,556
W... Jimmy wants me to, so...
42
00:01:26,590 --> 00:01:28,551
No, Todd. No, Todd.
43
00:01:28,576 --> 00:01:32,495
When did "go call Burbank"
become slang for making a poop?
44
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[Male announcer]: From Studio 9B
in the heart of New York City,
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it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."
46
00:01:39,036 --> 00:01:43,641
Tonight, the sexiest man
in Crocs, Mario Batali,
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00:01:43,673 --> 00:01:45,508
the news anchor whose
name you can't spell,
48
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George Stephanopoulos.
49
00:01:47,711 --> 00:01:49,113
Say her name ten times backwards:
50
00:01:49,146 --> 00:01:51,816
comedian Aparna Nancherla.
51
00:01:51,849 --> 00:01:54,752
And now, the man who's
number five in the ratings
52
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but number one in our hearts.
53
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Here's Jimmy.
54
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[energetic brass music]
55
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-- Sync and corrections by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
56
00:02:03,793 --> 00:02:06,630
Hey, Randy, can I talk
to you for a second?
57
00:02:06,662 --> 00:02:09,595
Look, I'm sorry I took all the
aspirin from the first aid kit,
58
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,668
but I'm very hungover right now.
59
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:14,776
I think I'm being recruited by ISIS.
60
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Oh, not here. Come in the sound room.
61
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Look, how do you know it's ISIS
62
00:02:22,711 --> 00:02:25,982
and not Al-Qaeda or the
Taliban or Boko Haram?
63
00:02:26,016 --> 00:02:27,518
How would I know the difference?
64
00:02:27,551 --> 00:02:29,831
Did you receive any weird text messages
65
00:02:29,856 --> 00:02:31,487
with numbers and emojis?
66
00:02:31,512 --> 00:02:32,512
No.
67
00:02:32,537 --> 00:02:34,729
Somebody from the Almi Kabeeb Network
68
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,626
called and asked me
to interview for a job.
69
00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:38,896
[sighs] You're right. It's ISIS.
70
00:02:38,928 --> 00:02:41,498
Al-Qaeda recruits with emojis.
71
00:02:41,531 --> 00:02:43,733
Has anybody seen my bottle of mace?
72
00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:46,637
Hey, Phil, this is a
private conversation.
73
00:02:46,670 --> 00:02:49,138
Got it.
74
00:02:49,172 --> 00:02:51,041
What are we talking about?
75
00:02:51,074 --> 00:02:53,810
I'm being recruited by ISIS.
76
00:02:53,844 --> 00:02:55,980
Oh, my God, that's terrifying.
77
00:02:56,012 --> 00:02:57,616
Look, this sound fishy.
78
00:02:57,641 --> 00:02:58,928
You don't seem like the type of person
79
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that anybody would want to hire.
80
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- Right?
- Right?
81
00:03:01,218 --> 00:03:02,374
Okay.
82
00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:04,513
But they do prey on the weak.
83
00:03:04,538 --> 00:03:08,036
They say they want me to help out
with their social media efforts.
84
00:03:08,061 --> 00:03:10,994
I follow a lot of terrorist
groups on social media,
85
00:03:11,028 --> 00:03:13,030
and they're actually pretty funny,
86
00:03:13,063 --> 00:03:15,632
but they're not as good as the Fat Jew.
87
00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:17,535
[laughs] He's hilarious.
88
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Look, I just don't want you to end up
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00:03:19,201 --> 00:03:21,804
on the back of a pickup truck
in a training camp in Yemen.
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00:03:21,838 --> 00:03:24,241
I have a 4:00 p.m. Skype interview.
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00:03:24,581 --> 00:03:27,577
If they let you know about
any attacks coming up,
92
00:03:27,611 --> 00:03:29,213
let me know.
93
00:03:29,245 --> 00:03:32,749
I'm gonna call in sick
from work that day.
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00:03:32,783 --> 00:03:35,753
[lively brass music]
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96
00:03:36,987 --> 00:03:38,289
[toilet flushing]
97
00:03:40,824 --> 00:03:42,860
- Hi.
- Are you okay?
98
00:03:42,892 --> 00:03:44,060
I'm fine.
99
00:03:44,094 --> 00:03:46,730
Mario Batali is in his dressing room.
100
00:03:46,762 --> 00:03:49,199
- Do I look sweaty?
- No.
101
00:03:49,231 --> 00:03:50,667
It's gonna be a long day.
102
00:03:50,701 --> 00:03:53,304
103
00:03:53,921 --> 00:03:54,939
Oh, Mario.
104
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- Angel, how are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
105
00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,910
- It's so nice to see you.
- It's so nice to be here.
106
00:03:59,943 --> 00:04:02,044
- Thanks for having me.
- Oh, it's been too long.
107
00:04:02,069 --> 00:04:03,105
It has been.
108
00:04:03,130 --> 00:04:05,669
Oh, you look fresh as a daisy.
109
00:04:05,694 --> 00:04:07,598
So I made some great
stuff. It's a spring stew.
110
00:04:07,623 --> 00:04:08,685
Would you like to try a little bit?
111
00:04:08,719 --> 00:04:10,287
- Oh, I'm so good.
- Oh, it is so good.
112
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,466
- Just a little taste.
- Okay, all right.
113
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All right. It's goat's head,
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completely in season right now,
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so delicious, filled
with collagen, healthy.
116
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It's so good. I'm gonna
get some note cards.
117
00:04:21,831 --> 00:04:22,849
Okay.
118
00:04:26,836 --> 00:04:29,238
Hey, Penny, it's me. Listen,
I'm in the bathroom.
119
00:04:29,271 --> 00:04:31,841
I'm gonna be about 10, 20 minutes,
120
00:04:31,874 --> 00:04:33,610
so can you get me a walkie?
121
00:04:33,643 --> 00:04:35,369
I got a walkie you can use.
122
00:04:36,713 --> 00:04:38,299
Uh, it's me, Randy.
123
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What are you doing in the ladies' room?
124
00:04:41,838 --> 00:04:43,620
Come on, Staci, it's 2016.
125
00:04:43,653 --> 00:04:46,891
We're a little beyond gender
designations in the bathrooms.
126
00:04:50,059 --> 00:04:52,667
- Hey, Nate dog!
- Hi.
127
00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:54,765
Oh, what's up... [indistinct] What's up?
128
00:04:54,797 --> 00:04:56,033
Oh, you're hurting my neck a little.
129
00:04:56,066 --> 00:04:57,134
- [laughs]
- Ow!
130
00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,669
- Yeah, man!
- Okay.
131
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,103
I haven't seen you in so long.
132
00:05:00,136 --> 00:05:01,458
My hand's stuck.
133
00:05:01,483 --> 00:05:03,342
Do you guys... Do you
guys know each other?
134
00:05:03,367 --> 00:05:05,293
Uh, I was... I've seen him around.
135
00:05:05,318 --> 00:05:07,011
- Oh.
- How you doing? I'm Todd.
136
00:05:07,044 --> 00:05:10,513
Aparn... Aparna. Uh, have we met before?
137
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:13,149
Uh, I don't... oh, yeah, were you at...
138
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,985
Were you at Jimmy's, uh,
the Hampton House,
139
00:05:16,018 --> 00:05:17,696
with the whole Bill Cosby
legal fund clam bake thing?
140
00:05:17,721 --> 00:05:19,756
- Oh, yes. Yes, I was.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
141
00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:20,790
- Were you there?
- Well, I was...
142
00:05:20,790 --> 00:05:22,091
I was doing the bake.
143
00:05:22,124 --> 00:05:23,961
- I was the bake.
-Oh, you were baking the clams?
144
00:05:23,994 --> 00:05:25,132
- Yeah, I was baking.
- Outside.
145
00:05:25,157 --> 00:05:26,196
Yeah, I got burned.
146
00:05:26,228 --> 00:05:28,731
- You boil or steam?
- I steam it.
147
00:05:28,764 --> 00:05:30,433
And it went all over my genitals.
148
00:05:30,466 --> 00:05:31,934
Oh, God.
149
00:05:31,968 --> 00:05:34,071
This love... love is
in the air right now.
150
00:05:34,103 --> 00:05:35,973
- Sure.
- So you want to go over your...
151
00:05:36,006 --> 00:05:38,142
Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you have
notes, that would be great.
152
00:05:38,175 --> 00:05:40,744
- Uh-huh, I'm producing it, so...
- Yeah, cool.
153
00:05:40,776 --> 00:05:43,179
I read over your... your
set. It's very funny.
154
00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:44,663
- Oh, oh, thank you.
- She's so funny.
155
00:05:44,688 --> 00:05:46,945
She's the funniest, uh, she's funny,
156
00:05:46,970 --> 00:05:48,052
she's beautiful,
157
00:05:48,085 --> 00:05:50,120
um, soft hair.
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00:05:50,153 --> 00:05:51,220
I love soft hair.
159
00:05:51,254 --> 00:05:53,290
Uh, when she holds hands,
160
00:05:53,323 --> 00:05:55,392
she does just the right amount of grip.
161
00:05:55,425 --> 00:05:56,759
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
162
00:05:56,792 --> 00:05:58,028
- Good grip's important.
- Yeah.
163
00:05:58,061 --> 00:05:59,830
- Yeah.
- It really is.
164
00:05:59,862 --> 00:06:02,365
- It's like, "now, this is love."
- The perfect woman.
165
00:06:02,632 --> 00:06:05,444
Would you guys fuck a lion?
166
00:06:06,921 --> 00:06:09,039
- Fuck a lion?
- Yeah.
167
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,914
- Would you fuck a lion?
- What made you think of that?
168
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,343
- Soft hair.
- I would not fuck a lion.
169
00:06:13,376 --> 00:06:15,045
- Yeah.
- Okay, I would.
170
00:06:15,078 --> 00:06:18,182
I mean, because I'm in a
wonderful relationship.
171
00:06:18,215 --> 00:06:20,572
Okay, so Jimmy's gonna introduce you.
172
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,134
Yeah, I gave him my intro, yep.
173
00:06:22,159 --> 00:06:23,969
Right, Jimmy's gonna introduce you,
174
00:06:23,994 --> 00:06:26,548
then you come out and then...
175
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:29,954
you do your set.
176
00:06:30,526 --> 00:06:32,062
Okay, yeah.
177
00:06:32,095 --> 00:06:34,198
That's what I was gonna do.
178
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Boom.
179
00:06:35,898 --> 00:06:40,103
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- Yeah.
180
00:06:40,136 --> 00:06:41,804
That's it. So, Nate, you want to, uh...
181
00:06:41,838 --> 00:06:43,474
You want to grab a snack
in the green room?
182
00:06:43,506 --> 00:06:44,946
Yeah, I'd love to grab a snack.
183
00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:46,281
Oh, wait, we have sna...
184
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:47,460
We have so many snacks.
185
00:06:47,485 --> 00:06:49,011
No, no, no, we're gonna get...
186
00:06:49,045 --> 00:06:51,114
No, there's better snacks
in the green room.
187
00:06:51,148 --> 00:06:52,982
Okay. I like snacks.
188
00:06:53,016 --> 00:06:55,919
No! No, sit down!
189
00:06:55,951 --> 00:06:57,521
Sorry.
190
00:06:57,554 --> 00:06:58,989
I am so sorry.
191
00:06:59,021 --> 00:07:00,523
I...
192
00:07:01,071 --> 00:07:03,860
Yo, let's... Nate dog,
let's rock that shiz.
193
00:07:03,893 --> 00:07:06,162
- Let's get those... those snacks.
- You're gonna do great.
194
00:07:06,196 --> 00:07:07,213
All right.
195
00:07:08,932 --> 00:07:10,167
I think we're all good.
196
00:07:10,199 --> 00:07:12,726
- I mean, she's the one, right?
- Yeah.
197
00:07:12,751 --> 00:07:14,741
We've been together
for two weeks. I know.
198
00:07:14,766 --> 00:07:16,773
Yeah, you got to lock
that shit down, man.
199
00:07:16,807 --> 00:07:17,807
- Yeah.
- You know?
200
00:07:17,807 --> 00:07:19,075
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
201
00:07:19,109 --> 00:07:20,584
Is this like the best
way to do it, though?
202
00:07:20,609 --> 00:07:23,248
On TV, in front of people?
203
00:07:23,273 --> 00:07:25,415
There's nothing else we can
do. We have to do it now.
204
00:07:25,448 --> 00:07:26,606
- We have to.
- Have to.
205
00:07:26,631 --> 00:07:27,985
Yeah, I told Jimmy already,
206
00:07:28,217 --> 00:07:29,253
so you have to do it.
207
00:07:29,285 --> 00:07:30,553
You told Jimmy so we have to?
208
00:07:30,586 --> 00:07:32,221
Yeah, that's how it works here.
209
00:07:33,050 --> 00:07:35,062
- Okay.
- Hey, cheers.
210
00:07:35,859 --> 00:07:37,194
To a good engagement.
211
00:07:37,227 --> 00:07:38,851
You know what I mean? It will be great.
212
00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:41,623
Let's do a bro thing, you know
what I mean, bro it around?
213
00:07:41,648 --> 00:07:43,065
- This is a bro thing?
- Yeah.
214
00:07:43,098 --> 00:07:44,367
I got such a big arm.
215
00:07:45,367 --> 00:07:46,367
Staci?
216
00:07:48,838 --> 00:07:50,940
Uh, I'm here.
217
00:07:50,973 --> 00:07:52,241
Um, hi.
218
00:07:52,275 --> 00:07:54,044
A lot of people are looking for you.
219
00:07:54,076 --> 00:07:56,245
Yes, I'm having an IBS day, Penny...
220
00:07:56,278 --> 00:07:58,314
A very intense IBS day.
221
00:07:58,348 --> 00:07:59,850
Got it. I'll get the Imodium.
222
00:07:59,883 --> 00:08:02,019
No, uh, can you also get my laptop,
223
00:08:02,052 --> 00:08:03,987
my Hello Kitty booking notebook,
224
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:07,124
my charcoal pills, and my Zen garden?
225
00:08:07,157 --> 00:08:08,892
Can I get your advice on something?
226
00:08:09,402 --> 00:08:10,427
Now?
227
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:12,142
I'm being recruited by ISIS,
228
00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:14,131
and I just don't know how to proceed.
229
00:08:14,163 --> 00:08:15,163
Oh, sure, sure.
230
00:08:15,322 --> 00:08:16,322
Okay,
231
00:08:16,347 --> 00:08:18,468
so I've been FaceTiming
with this Belgian student
232
00:08:18,501 --> 00:08:21,438
who's also being recruited
by ISIS and in the same way.
233
00:08:21,470 --> 00:08:23,952
Okay, first of all, you're
very susceptible
234
00:08:23,977 --> 00:08:25,280
to these creepy groups, okay?
235
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,509
Remember that cult you joined,
236
00:08:26,542 --> 00:08:28,616
and you didn't even know
you had joined a cult?
237
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:32,287
Oh, I sometimes miss my
Messianic maiden family.
238
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,740
Okay.
239
00:08:33,765 --> 00:08:34,943
What should I do?
240
00:08:34,968 --> 00:08:37,153
Penny, I don't know what
you need to do, okay?
241
00:08:37,178 --> 00:08:38,955
Go with ISIS, don't go with ISIS.
242
00:08:38,988 --> 00:08:40,556
I'm fighting IBS, okay.
243
00:08:40,589 --> 00:08:42,091
Just let me shit in peace.
244
00:08:42,125 --> 00:08:43,961
Staci, are you in here?
245
00:08:45,939 --> 00:08:48,474
[lively trumpet music]
246
00:08:48,499 --> 00:08:50,535
247
00:08:50,653 --> 00:08:51,653
[moans]
248
00:08:51,678 --> 00:08:53,213
She's in this stall right here.
249
00:08:53,436 --> 00:08:55,372
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this private?
250
00:08:55,405 --> 00:08:57,107
- Yes!
- Oh.
251
00:08:57,141 --> 00:08:59,528
I'll give you guys some privacy.
252
00:08:59,553 --> 00:09:02,713
Uh, Staci, I really hope it
wasn't my goat head stew
253
00:09:02,746 --> 00:09:03,948
that made you sick.
254
00:09:03,981 --> 00:09:05,357
No, no, no, no, no, it was...
255
00:09:05,382 --> 00:09:07,650
Mario, it was great. It's
one of my favorites.
256
00:09:07,684 --> 00:09:09,819
- Do you have C. Diff?
- No.
257
00:09:09,852 --> 00:09:12,273
- Crohn's Disease?
- No, no, no, no.
258
00:09:12,298 --> 00:09:14,167
IBS?
259
00:09:14,357 --> 00:09:15,926
Staci, do you have IBS?
260
00:09:15,951 --> 00:09:18,821
Uh, I don't think... no.
261
00:09:18,884 --> 00:09:21,085
It's a disease where your
stomach gets all crazy
262
00:09:21,110 --> 00:09:22,800
and the bowels just go wild.
263
00:09:22,833 --> 00:09:25,328
Let me take a look and see
if I can find it on the web.
264
00:09:25,911 --> 00:09:28,381
Oh, the Internet's not very fast here.
265
00:09:28,572 --> 00:09:30,560
Let me see if I can get
the page to load.
266
00:09:32,943 --> 00:09:35,679
Hey, where's Nate at?
267
00:09:35,712 --> 00:09:37,047
He's a piece of shit!
268
00:09:37,079 --> 00:09:38,110
What? Oh, my...
269
00:09:38,135 --> 00:09:39,157
You want to know why?
270
00:09:39,182 --> 00:09:41,159
My friend Jenny sent me this text
271
00:09:41,184 --> 00:09:43,863
that her friend Steve saw
him at a bachelor party
272
00:09:43,888 --> 00:09:47,158
last weekend and he had
sex with a stripper.
273
00:09:47,190 --> 00:09:48,792
- Him?
- Who does that?
274
00:09:48,825 --> 00:09:50,376
- He's so...
- Yeah, I know.
275
00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:52,651
He's small and wiry and
he kind of looks... yeah.
276
00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:53,844
That's what I was gonna say.
277
00:09:53,869 --> 00:09:55,672
Like a Pixar mouse. Yeah, I know.
278
00:09:55,697 --> 00:09:57,599
He had sex with a stripper.
279
00:09:57,733 --> 00:10:00,203
Shit. Um...
280
00:10:00,237 --> 00:10:01,644
He was gonna propose to you tonight.
281
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,203
- What?
- Yeah, live on the show.
282
00:10:03,342 --> 00:10:04,977
- No.
- Yep, yeah.
283
00:10:05,002 --> 00:10:07,372
Why would you say that's okay?
284
00:10:07,397 --> 00:10:09,416
I don't... well, I'm producing it so...
285
00:10:09,441 --> 00:10:11,425
- Fuck him, no.
- Oh, God. Okay.
286
00:10:11,450 --> 00:10:13,776
- Can we still do the segment?
- No.
287
00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:17,485
- And then... okay...Um...
- Propose?
288
00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:19,156
Yeah, he was gonna get
down in front of Jimmy
289
00:10:19,181 --> 00:10:21,392
- live on television.
- No, you know what?
290
00:10:21,417 --> 00:10:24,445
Fine, yeah, have him propose
on national television, live,
291
00:10:24,470 --> 00:10:25,892
yeah, yeah, and I'll dump him.
292
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:28,587
I'll dump him on national
television, live.
293
00:10:28,612 --> 00:10:30,314
- Is that gonna be...
- For the people.
294
00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:33,176
- Good?
- It'll go viral.
295
00:10:33,386 --> 00:10:34,487
Viral?
296
00:10:36,607 --> 00:10:37,802
Do you work out at Crunch?
297
00:10:37,827 --> 00:10:39,748
'Cause I could swear I've seen
you in the steam room.
298
00:10:40,109 --> 00:10:41,845
- You work out?
- I use the Shake Weight.
299
00:10:41,878 --> 00:10:43,747
If I can just say, George,
300
00:10:43,772 --> 00:10:45,731
I don't think you ever need makeup.
301
00:10:45,756 --> 00:10:47,029
Oh, that's nice, thank you.
302
00:10:47,054 --> 00:10:48,856
All right, back off, poor
man's Shelley Duvall.
303
00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:50,412
- Hey.
- Thank you.
304
00:10:50,437 --> 00:10:52,739
Okay, so now that we've broken the ice,
305
00:10:52,764 --> 00:10:56,200
um, George, I need your
advice on something.
306
00:10:56,225 --> 00:10:57,333
Guy trouble?
307
00:10:57,358 --> 00:10:59,380
I think I'm being recruited by ISIS.
308
00:10:59,405 --> 00:11:02,508
- Oh, that makes sense.
- Recruited by ISIS?
309
00:11:02,766 --> 00:11:05,788
Okay, so a Middle Eastern network
310
00:11:05,813 --> 00:11:09,227
wants to have a Skype interview
with me about a producing job,
311
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,969
and it doesn't seem legit at all.
312
00:11:10,994 --> 00:11:12,751
And you know, like, on the one hand,
313
00:11:12,776 --> 00:11:15,314
yes, it's great for a
practice interview,
314
00:11:15,339 --> 00:11:17,883
but on the other hand, I
don't want our government
315
00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:20,307
to think that I'm a terrorist
and start monitoring me.
316
00:11:20,332 --> 00:11:22,200
I'm a good person.
317
00:11:22,225 --> 00:11:24,528
I... I really don't think you
have to worry about this.
318
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:26,718
I mean, you really don't
fit the ISIS profile.
319
00:11:26,743 --> 00:11:28,259
You're not a guy.
320
00:11:28,284 --> 00:11:31,737
You don't seem all that
angry or isolated.
321
00:11:31,762 --> 00:11:32,902
More like depressed.
322
00:11:32,927 --> 00:11:36,164
Maybe if I worked at ISIS,
323
00:11:36,189 --> 00:11:37,278
I could meet some guys...
324
00:11:37,303 --> 00:11:38,720
- With ISIS.
- I'm sorry?
325
00:11:38,745 --> 00:11:42,316
You don't work at ISIS,
you work with ISIS.
326
00:11:42,341 --> 00:11:43,948
Right, George? Yeah,
you actually are right.
327
00:11:43,973 --> 00:11:46,085
I mean, it does sometimes act like
328
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:47,308
a multinational corporation,
329
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:49,035
but it's really more like a movement,
330
00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:51,094
a religion, an apocalyptic cult.
331
00:11:51,119 --> 00:11:53,544
Maybe I could dismantle
it from the inside.
332
00:11:53,569 --> 00:11:55,720
Wow, that seems like a lot of work.
333
00:11:55,745 --> 00:11:56,745
What do they pay?
334
00:11:56,770 --> 00:11:58,815
$40 an hour plus benefits.
335
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,416
Do they need a makeup designer?
336
00:12:00,623 --> 00:12:01,624
What's the name of it?
337
00:12:01,649 --> 00:12:04,453
Almi Kabeed.
338
00:12:04,674 --> 00:12:06,894
I'm not sure where the accent falls.
339
00:12:06,919 --> 00:12:09,055
Almi Kabeed.
340
00:12:10,119 --> 00:12:11,854
Almi Kabeed.
341
00:12:13,996 --> 00:12:15,933
[energetic brass music]
342
00:12:16,239 --> 00:12:17,345
- Hey, bro.
- Hey.
343
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:18,689
- What's up, man?
- How's it going?
344
00:12:18,714 --> 00:12:19,815
Go... [sighs]
345
00:12:19,911 --> 00:12:21,246
W-what's she doing?
346
00:12:21,278 --> 00:12:23,514
Oh, she's jamming out
to some Bonnie Raitt.
347
00:12:23,547 --> 00:12:25,716
She always does this to
get pumped up for a set.
348
00:12:25,749 --> 00:12:26,851
Oh, cool.
349
00:12:26,884 --> 00:12:28,052
Hey, are we still good
350
00:12:28,085 --> 00:12:29,620
for that thing we talked about?
351
00:12:29,653 --> 00:12:31,255
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude.
352
00:12:31,289 --> 00:12:33,925
Awesome. I'm nervous.
I'm really nervous.
353
00:12:33,958 --> 00:12:35,160
Oh, don't be nervous, man.
354
00:12:35,193 --> 00:12:37,601
Do exactly what you were gonna do.
355
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,795
Okay. All right. I'll do it.
356
00:12:39,998 --> 00:12:41,199
Hey, can you get out of here?
357
00:12:41,232 --> 00:12:42,614
Why?
358
00:12:42,639 --> 00:12:44,241
Uh, I got to... I got to talk to Aparna
359
00:12:44,266 --> 00:12:48,247
about a bunch of, like,
secret producer stuff.
360
00:12:48,272 --> 00:12:50,274
Oh. Okay, yeah.
361
00:12:50,307 --> 00:12:51,976
I'll get a soda or something.
362
00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:53,177
Yeah, get a soda, bro.
363
00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:54,645
Cool. All right.
364
00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:56,788
- All right.
- All right, nice.
365
00:12:56,813 --> 00:12:58,916
Oh, man.
366
00:12:58,941 --> 00:13:02,545
He needs more ass on him.
367
00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:05,740
Hey, Aparna.
368
00:13:05,956 --> 00:13:07,892
Hey!
369
00:13:07,925 --> 00:13:10,060
Uh...
370
00:13:10,094 --> 00:13:11,128
Wake up.
371
00:13:11,161 --> 00:13:12,296
Oh, God.
372
00:13:12,329 --> 00:13:14,699
I was told never to touch the guests.
373
00:13:14,732 --> 00:13:17,935
Uh, um...
374
00:13:17,969 --> 00:13:19,637
- Oh, hey.
- Todd.
375
00:13:19,671 --> 00:13:22,029
Hey, did Jimmy like my idea?
376
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:23,240
Well, it's my idea,
377
00:13:23,273 --> 00:13:25,932
'cause I'm the producer
but yeah, Jimmy's in.
378
00:13:25,957 --> 00:13:27,072
Okay, whatever.
379
00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,462
Just bring Nate out
there and I will do it.
380
00:13:29,487 --> 00:13:31,110
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
381
00:13:31,135 --> 00:13:32,950
10-4.
382
00:13:32,983 --> 00:13:34,477
You didn't hear what I said.
383
00:13:34,502 --> 00:13:36,587
Um...
384
00:13:36,621 --> 00:13:39,057
- What?
- 10-4.
385
00:13:39,089 --> 00:13:40,089
[lively trumpet music]
386
00:13:40,090 --> 00:13:41,959
Hi, I'm Penny Jones.
387
00:13:41,993 --> 00:13:44,262
I'm so sorry. I was told
to dial this number
388
00:13:44,295 --> 00:13:46,480
for an interview with the
Almi Kabeeb network.
389
00:13:46,505 --> 00:13:48,066
Is this the right number?
390
00:13:48,099 --> 00:13:50,068
Yes, it is. Nice to meet you, Penny.
391
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:53,037
You don't look anything like I imagined.
392
00:13:53,070 --> 00:13:55,143
You're... like, you're blonde.
393
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,275
Um, what were you expecting?
394
00:13:57,307 --> 00:13:58,702
Um, I don't know.
395
00:13:58,727 --> 00:14:02,180
I think I was expecting you
to look more like Osa...
396
00:14:02,213 --> 00:14:03,748
Where are you in the world?
397
00:14:03,781 --> 00:14:04,916
I'm in Cincinnati.
398
00:14:04,949 --> 00:14:08,152
Oh. Very covert of you.
399
00:14:08,185 --> 00:14:09,921
You've already infiltrated?
400
00:14:09,954 --> 00:14:12,891
I wouldn't say infiltrated.
401
00:14:12,924 --> 00:14:16,294
Our parent company has been
based here since 2004.
402
00:14:16,326 --> 00:14:18,195
Does our government know you're here?
403
00:14:18,228 --> 00:14:19,433
I'm not exactly clear
404
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,700
on what it is that you are asking me.
405
00:14:21,733 --> 00:14:23,935
I'm so sorry. I'm extremely nervous.
406
00:14:23,968 --> 00:14:26,838
I-I've never been, like,
recruited before.
407
00:14:26,871 --> 00:14:28,640
Well, Penny, look,
408
00:14:28,672 --> 00:14:30,975
your Linkedln profile
is very impressive.
409
00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:33,377
How have you enjoyed
working at "Nightcap"?
410
00:14:33,402 --> 00:14:35,312
How do you know I work at "Nightcap"?
411
00:14:35,345 --> 00:14:37,198
It says that on your Linkedln.
412
00:14:37,223 --> 00:14:38,243
I'm sorry.
413
00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:41,305
Before we go any further,
let me ask you this.
414
00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:43,500
It's been weighing on my mind.
415
00:14:43,525 --> 00:14:44,963
I mean, I can't sleep at night.
416
00:14:44,988 --> 00:14:46,724
My Urticaria is acting up.
417
00:14:46,757 --> 00:14:51,363
I've got hives just exploding
in my undercarriage.
418
00:14:51,396 --> 00:14:53,964
If there is a jihad,
419
00:14:53,998 --> 00:14:55,554
do I have to take up arms
420
00:14:55,579 --> 00:14:57,614
and fight against my fellow Americans?
421
00:14:57,801 --> 00:14:59,303
Excuse me?
422
00:14:59,336 --> 00:15:01,469
Look, I just thought that
423
00:15:01,494 --> 00:15:03,807
this would be an
interesting opportunity.
424
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,062
This was always just going
to be a practice interview,
425
00:15:07,087 --> 00:15:10,280
and I have a feeling you are
going to offer me the job,
426
00:15:10,305 --> 00:15:11,649
and you know what?
427
00:15:11,682 --> 00:15:12,682
I'm gonna say no,
428
00:15:12,684 --> 00:15:14,853
because I like this country
429
00:15:14,886 --> 00:15:16,541
and I don't fully agree
430
00:15:16,566 --> 00:15:19,123
with the views of your organization.
431
00:15:19,156 --> 00:15:20,425
Okay.
432
00:15:20,450 --> 00:15:23,292
We're just going to keep
your resume on file
433
00:15:23,317 --> 00:15:26,196
and if a position opens up,
we'll be sure to let you know.
434
00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:28,365
You erase me from your files
435
00:15:28,398 --> 00:15:30,167
and you leave me alone.
436
00:15:31,802 --> 00:15:34,038
Well played, Penny.
437
00:15:34,071 --> 00:15:36,173
I don't think you'll be contacted again.
438
00:15:38,342 --> 00:15:41,312
[lively trumpet music]
439
00:15:41,344 --> 00:15:42,379
440
00:15:42,412 --> 00:15:43,815
[toilet flushes]
441
00:15:43,848 --> 00:15:46,017
Hi, Staci, it's me.
442
00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:47,719
Oh, hi, Penny.
443
00:15:47,752 --> 00:15:49,020
Listen, do not come in here.
444
00:15:49,052 --> 00:15:50,988
Okay, it smells really bad.
445
00:15:51,022 --> 00:15:53,425
Okay, so I've got George
Stephanopoulos right outside.
446
00:15:53,458 --> 00:15:55,403
He has a question. Can I bring him in?
447
00:15:55,428 --> 00:15:56,828
No, what?
448
00:15:56,860 --> 00:15:59,396
Okay, so George is refusing
449
00:15:59,430 --> 00:16:01,465
to lip sync to "Sweet Home Alabama."
450
00:16:01,498 --> 00:16:03,435
He says it's just a rip off of Fallon.
451
00:16:03,468 --> 00:16:05,002
Okay, well, he's right about that.
452
00:16:05,036 --> 00:16:06,171
Okay.
453
00:16:06,204 --> 00:16:07,778
Man entering, man entering.
454
00:16:07,803 --> 00:16:10,741
I am entering, and I
am theoretically a man.
455
00:16:10,775 --> 00:16:13,377
Phil, this is the ladies' room.
456
00:16:13,411 --> 00:16:14,473
I know.
457
00:16:14,498 --> 00:16:16,354
I got a call about a disturbance.
458
00:16:16,379 --> 00:16:19,450
Someone said they could
smell a dead animal.
459
00:16:19,483 --> 00:16:22,353
Ugh, how are you even
breathing in this room?
460
00:16:22,386 --> 00:16:23,454
[gags]
461
00:16:23,488 --> 00:16:26,757
Hey, checking on my girl.
462
00:16:26,791 --> 00:16:27,959
Are you empty yet?
463
00:16:27,992 --> 00:16:30,728
Hi, Mario. I'm all good.
464
00:16:30,762 --> 00:16:32,763
Are you okay with your segment?
465
00:16:32,796 --> 00:16:35,233
Oh, great. Penny's been fantastic.
466
00:16:35,266 --> 00:16:36,735
Oh, thank you, Mario.
467
00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:38,802
- Shh.
- What?
468
00:16:38,835 --> 00:16:40,370
I think I hear scratching.
469
00:16:40,403 --> 00:16:43,140
Mario, you know a lot
about dead animals.
470
00:16:43,174 --> 00:16:44,943
What would you say this scent is?
471
00:16:44,975 --> 00:16:46,744
I don't think it's anything
of a dead animal.
472
00:16:46,777 --> 00:16:48,412
I think it's Staci and her IBS.
473
00:16:48,445 --> 00:16:51,281
Oh, right. [laughs]
474
00:16:51,315 --> 00:16:54,319
I can't believe I forgot you have IBS.
475
00:16:54,352 --> 00:16:56,454
Everybody always talks about it.
476
00:16:56,487 --> 00:16:58,422
Well, don't you worry, Staci.
477
00:16:58,456 --> 00:17:00,091
I'm gonna get on the intercom
478
00:17:00,123 --> 00:17:01,550
and announce to the entire office
479
00:17:01,575 --> 00:17:03,528
that this is nothing to worry about,
480
00:17:03,561 --> 00:17:06,543
that this smell is just you
in here on the shitter.
481
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:08,303
Actually, we don't have an intercom.
482
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,542
You know what I'll do is I'll
just go around to every desk
483
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,503
and tell everyone face-to-face.
484
00:17:12,536 --> 00:17:14,404
Okay, get out, get out,
get out, save yourselves.
485
00:17:14,438 --> 00:17:16,407
- Ahh!
- Everyone, come on.
486
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,075
Didn't you two used to be an item?
487
00:17:18,109 --> 00:17:19,944
Yeah, I dodged that bullet.
488
00:17:19,977 --> 00:17:20,977
Whew.
489
00:17:20,978 --> 00:17:24,815
[audience laughing]
490
00:17:24,848 --> 00:17:26,850
Oh, great job, guys. [laughs]
491
00:17:26,883 --> 00:17:27,986
That was awesome.
492
00:17:28,018 --> 00:17:29,791
- What the hell, man?
- What?
493
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,062
Did you know that was gonna happen?
494
00:17:31,087 --> 00:17:32,089
What, the whole dump thing?
495
00:17:32,123 --> 00:17:33,190
Yeah, the whole dump thing
496
00:17:33,223 --> 00:17:35,081
where I got dumped on national TV.
497
00:17:35,106 --> 00:17:37,895
Yeah, totally, yeah, but
you did a great job, man.
498
00:17:37,929 --> 00:17:39,448
Good acting. - I wasn't acting.
499
00:17:39,473 --> 00:17:41,131
That actually was happening to me.
500
00:17:41,164 --> 00:17:43,334
Wow. Well, you banged
a stripper, bro, so...
501
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,302
First of all, it doesn't
count as cheating
502
00:17:45,335 --> 00:17:46,336
if you pay for it.
503
00:17:46,370 --> 00:17:47,781
It's a business transaction.
504
00:17:47,806 --> 00:17:48,976
Oh, yeah, 'cause there's money involved?
505
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,837
- Yes.
- Well, someone found out.
506
00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:52,484
She wasn't happy about that,
because you put your wingwong
507
00:17:52,509 --> 00:17:53,978
in someone else's toast.
508
00:17:54,010 --> 00:17:55,345
Wait, wingwong in toast?
509
00:17:55,379 --> 00:17:56,548
You know what? I'm gonna...
510
00:17:56,581 --> 00:17:58,385
I'm gonna go apologize to Aparna.
511
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,852
Oh, that's probably not a
good idea, 'cause you know,
512
00:18:00,884 --> 00:18:02,238
newly single,
513
00:18:02,263 --> 00:18:04,221
she's right in Jimmy's limo,
514
00:18:04,255 --> 00:18:05,980
and they're going to dinner town.
515
00:18:06,005 --> 00:18:07,125
Dinner town?
516
00:18:07,158 --> 00:18:09,327
She's going right to
dinner town eating food.
517
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,196
Wait, they're gonna have sex?
518
00:18:11,739 --> 00:18:12,863
Well, no... yeah, well,
519
00:18:12,896 --> 00:18:14,112
you know, dinner town.
520
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:15,533
[moans] Mm.
521
00:18:15,565 --> 00:18:18,036
Wait, are they gonna eat or
are they gonna have sex?
522
00:18:18,068 --> 00:18:20,370
- [moans] Mm.
- Are they...
523
00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,371
I can't... you're saying two things.
524
00:18:22,396 --> 00:18:23,941
- Dinner town, bro.
- Dinner town.
525
00:18:23,975 --> 00:18:26,468
- They're going to dinner town.
- Okay, explain to me what you...
526
00:18:26,493 --> 00:18:28,579
Say what you just said without
using the word "dinner town."
527
00:18:28,613 --> 00:18:31,181
Sure. They're gonna go,
"Oh," and then "Uh."
528
00:18:31,215 --> 00:18:33,117
Okay, no sounds, no dinner town,
529
00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:35,353
no sounds, just words.
530
00:18:35,385 --> 00:18:37,254
No, I need words, not silence.
531
00:18:37,287 --> 00:18:38,522
Just give me words.
532
00:18:38,555 --> 00:18:40,257
I need words. That's how I communicate.
533
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:42,960
All right, they're gonna... eh!
534
00:18:43,509 --> 00:18:45,530
I don't even know what's
happening right now.
535
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,969
Well, thank you once
again for reaching out,
536
00:18:52,003 --> 00:18:55,173
and like I said earlier, we
would literally do anything
537
00:18:55,206 --> 00:18:57,342
to have you be the face of our network.
538
00:18:57,374 --> 00:18:59,450
Listen, I'm really
flattered by your interest,
539
00:18:59,475 --> 00:19:01,098
but I got to tell you,
I'm under contract.
540
00:19:01,123 --> 00:19:02,613
You'd have to buy me out.
541
00:19:02,646 --> 00:19:06,917
To be clear, George, we have oil money.
542
00:19:06,950 --> 00:19:09,086
I'm listening.
543
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,423
544
00:19:11,447 --> 00:19:16,447
-- Sync and corrections by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
545
00:19:16,497 --> 00:19:21,047
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