Original subtitles

[energetic brass music]

Are skinny jeans still a thing?

All right, before we even talk about jeans,

we need to talk about cat sweaters.

Uh-huh?

No.

Oh.

Christmas has come early.

We have the best show tonight.

Jason Biggs is back with us.

And Jason, as you know, is kind of a homegrown talent here.

He popped his late-night talk show cherry

right here on our show.

So it's really exciting he's coming back.

He's so hot.

Honey, back when I was with men,

Jason Biggs was totally my type.

My wife agrees, we'd make a cute couple.

Okay, let's keep it in your thong.

Anyway, Jason Biggs couldn't be nicer.

He is, by all means, the sweetest guy in Hollywood.

We also have Beth Stern and her kittens

and comedienne, Keisha Zollar.

Beth's doing some incredible work with

the North Shore Animal League

and she brought some kittens for adoption.

Baba Booey!

Okay, we're not gonna do that, and I'm gonna tell you why.

Because she is not here as Howard Stern's wife,

she is here as an animal rescuer and crusader.

- Fafa Phooey. - Okay, now I'm serious.

- Hey now! - Okay, stop it.

Enough. Enough, enough, enough!

You know, back when I was with men, Howard was totally my type.

I mean, my wife agrees that we'd make a cute couple.

You know, for a guy with a wife,

you sure do talk about making love to men a lot.

[Male announcer]: From studio 9-B in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight professional pie-hopper, Jason Biggs.

The world's hottest cat-lover, Beth Stern.

She's not a fortune teller.

She's comedienne Keisha Zollar.

And now, the man who's number five in the ratings

but number one in our hearts.

Here's Jimmy.

-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

Mr. Biggs, welcome to "Nightcap."

We're so excited to have you on the show today.

Well, I'm happy to be here.

I've always wanted to come on "Nightcap."

Oh, wait, you've been on the show before.

- Have I? - Have you?

Have I?

- You have? - I can't recall.

I mean, I may have,

but there's no photo of me commemorating that, so...

Oh, wait, no. Isn't there that great photo of you

in the lobby with all the other past guests?

Like, I've definitely seen that before.

Yeah, me too. I have seen it before.

But not today, because today when I came in

this photo was hanging where my photo used to hang.

Oh, I love Jon Bon Jovi.

Yeah, obviously you love him more than you love me.

Oh, my God. No. I love you both equally.

Listen, that photo of me better be back

hanging up by the end of the day

or Jason Biggs is gonna come down hard

on "Nightcap."

[stammers]

[lively trumpet music]

[thumping]

[thumping]

[laughs]

Whoo!

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm bagging.

I can see that. What are you doing in here?

Oh, I'm speed bagging.

Todd, what room is this?

- It's the greenroom, but... - Yeah.

- It's white and blue. - Mm-hmm.

And what happens in the greenroom?

The guests eat candy.

Why would I want a punching bag

in the middle of the greenroom space?

I got an answer for you.

Yeah, this was upstairs and Jimmy was like,

"It's really annoying, so bring it downstairs."

So Jimmy told me to bring it downstairs.

- Okay, look, I get it. - Uh-huh.

I get that you didn't get into college

so you couldn't get into a fraternity

where you date blow-up dolls and you hit balls,

Yeah, I still did all that.

- I get it. - Uh-huh.

But you are not taking over my professional space.

Okay, yeah. No, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'll... I'll... I'll get this outta here.

But it does feel good. You wanna give it a punch?

I don't need to give it a punch. I play tennis.

Oh, no. You need to give this a punch.

No, you're not hitting balls here, you're hitting a bag.

Everyone says you're all tightly wound.

I'm not tightly wound.

You're tightly wound right now.

I am not tightly wound.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.

- Everyone says you are. - Who's everyone?

Everybody I've ever met, old people, young people.

Even a baby one time was like, "She's tightly wound."

God forbid I'm in my 40s and not married

and I don't have children, so oh, my God, I gotta be uptight.

I thought you were 58.

Because I'm in control of this world of broken toys

and I'm the captain of this ship.

I'm the captain of "Nightcap," right?

- Yeah. - And because I'm a woman

- I have to be uptight or a bitch! - [grunts]

Now, I know how Hillary Clinton feels.

Yeah, take it out, now!

- I... no, no. - Take it out!

- No! No! - It feels good.

Take it out.

[groans]

Come on, trust me.

Ahh, right?

All right.

Ooh.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[grunts]

Both: Ahhh!

[lively trumpet music]

So we're at the end of the trip.

We get to Capri and I'm like, I'm done with him.

- I'm done with her. - Totally.

I just need time to date me, you know?

[laughs] You're so funny.

Hi, Mrs. Stern.

Hi.

I'm Penny from the talent department.

I'm Staci's assistant.

Hi, Penny. Great sweater. It's amazing.

Oh, my God! Do you want it?

- Oh, no, no, no, that's okay. - Okay.

Thank you so much for having me on

to promote North Shore Animal League.

Really, it means so much to me to be here.

Are you kidding? We are so excited to have you

- and your kittens. - Thank you.

I was wondering, could I possibly meet your kittens.

I mean, if they're here already. Are they?

They're in my dressing room. Go play with them.

You're gonna die, they're so cute.

Oh, my God! Thank you.

Is she okay?

Oh, she cries a lot.

Happy tears, sad tears, just a lot of tears.

[lively trumpet music]

Hello. I'm here to see Jason Biggs.

What's your business with Mr. Biggs?

I'm here to... to pre-interview him for the show tonight.

He didn't say anything about an interview.

Well, that's why he's here.

Hmm. No, you're not on the list.

What list?

You'd know if you were on it, wouldn't you?

How about you just pop your head in there

and tell him that I'm here?

J, yeah, some lady. All right.

Mr. Biggs will see you now, ma'am.

Okay.

That's a good one of me.

Ooh, I look really good there.

Keep it. Mark that one. Mark that one.

Oh, gosh, hi. Hi, everybody.

Hey! Welcome back.

Staci Cole.

I...

I produced your first late-night talk show segment.

- No, you didn't. - Yes.

Remember, I sent you a bike.

I don't ride bikes.

- You were nervous and... - No, I wasn't.

- You were young. - Probably not.

- Okay. - What would you like?

Oh, I'm doing the pre-interview.

You guys hear this?

- I don't understand. - I'm sorry.

Why am I pre-interviewing?

No one makes me pre-interview.

Letterman never made me pre-interview.

Seth doesn't make me pre-interview.

Carson, when he was around, God rest his soul,

didn't make me pre-interview.

But... but please, enlighten me.

Actually, Jimmy and the writers thought

it would be really funny to do a sketch with you.

Hmm, cool. Cool, let's hear it.

Let's... let's hear the genius that keeps you guys

locked in a solid fifth place in the ratings every week.

Both: [chuckle]

They were thinking maybe because you're sort of

- famously this really nice guy... - True.

That you would play an asshole.

No.

No?

- No. No, that's hacky. - All right.

Yeah, and I am a nice guy,

so it's stupid and it doesn't work at all.

Okay, that's fine.

- Let's not do that. - Yeah.

- Why don't you go out... - Yeah.

And just bring some of that Biggs magic.

- I have an idea. - Yeah.

Why don't I just go out and bring some of my Biggs magic.

- Great. So we can do that. - Yeah.

So I'll...

So are we good here, hon?

Yes. So just, um...

Oh, my... Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God. - What are you doing?

- What happened there? - I don't understand that.

- Did you see what he did? - Excuse me, what I did?

He poured a bottle of beer on my...

- Excuse me. I'm sorry. - Knock-off Chanel shoes.

Excuse me. Did you guys see? Did I?

What did I... did I... No.

I just checked, and I didn't do anything, so...

One more thing. This room is a shithole.

- This is a deluxe room. - And I need... sorry.

And I need a place for my peeps to sit.

- Oh, okay. - So we need some pillows.

Like loose pillows?

Loose? Why are you... loose? I don't care if they're loose.

Why'd you say... why'd you say loose?

- I don't know if we have any. - You sound like a fool.

You think I deal with this at Fallon or Seth?

You think Seth makes me deal with this shit?

Why... hold up. Why am I... What, am I producing my own segment?

- It seems like you're... - That's not my job.

I think I would fucking kill myself if that's my job.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Yes, I will go see... - So let's hop to it.

If I can find some loose pillows.

- They don't have... - Why are you saying loose?

Why do you keep saying loose? I don't understand.

It's... I'm sorry.

Um, excuse me.

[lively trumpet music]

Whoa! My favorite gray kitten.

Come back, little rain cloud.

Uh-oh.

I should let Beth know that her container is not working.

Quick head count.

One, two, three,

four, five, six.

Oh, shoot.

Phil!

I was doing normal things.

Okay, fine. Phil, come here.

Uh...

Phil!

I need your help.

Of all the corners I could have been hiding in.

Hurry.

We're having an emergency.

Oh, man, I don't have a gun or anything.

Okay, Phil, you don't need a gun for this.

We're missing a kitten and I need your help.

Well, I don't have any training to do that.

Okay, Phil, there were seven,

and now there are only six kittens, so...

It sounds like one went missing.

Exactly.

This is really bad.

You can't tell anyone.

I could lose my job over this.

I'm gonna check all the dressing rooms.

You check the greenroom. Shh, don't tell anyone.

[lively trumpet music]

[clicking tongue] Here, kitty.

What are you doing with your mouth?

Oh, hi. Hi. Nothing.

I'm just walking around enjoying the office and my job.

What about Jason Biggs, huh?

- Yeah. - He was such a nice guy.

You know, I think that's what happens

- when fame goes to your head. - Yes.

I mean, this is Jason Biggs now.

Yeah, fame, it's a bitch.

[meowing]

What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, what's wrong with you right now?

Oh, nothing. I'm just... I'm great.

Everything's great.

Okay.

Staci, I can't lie to you.

That's not the foundation of our relationship.

I lost one of Beth Stern's kittens.

Oh, my God, what happened?

I don't know.

I... but I'm on it. I will not let you down.

I will find that kitten or I will slit my wrists.

Okay, let's dial it down, okay?

Let's not slice anything.

Just find Beth's kitten.

I will.

[meows]

[speed bag clicking]

Aah! Yeah! [cheering]

Yeah! Whoa! Jesus.

Oh man, Staci, get a load of Biggs, man. This guy rocks.

Sandy, where have you been hiding Todd?

He is the only good part of this show.

Yeah, Todd is awesome,

but, Jason, your segment's coming up so...

- What? - Your segment's coming up.

No, I heard you. No, I'm not ready.

I'm gonna need, like, at least a half hour

or 30 minutes.

Look, I still have to pick out which outfit

I'm gonna wear tonight.

Sorry, what is your problem? [grunts]

Well, my problem is it's a live show, so we...

Keisha, why don't I go do your pre-interview with you now?

I thought we weren't doing pre-interviews.

No, we do pre-interviews, and Jimmy doesn't know who you are

so I have to prep him.

Jason said I don't have to do a pre-interviews.

- What? - Mnh-mnh.

- [Together]: No pre-interviews. - Boom!

Hey, Stace, can you grab me a peach daiquiri

from the guest bar?

- Are you serious? - Time-out. Flag on the plizay.

- There's a guest bar? - No, there's not.

WTF, get me involved.

Peach daiquiris all around.

[cheering]

All right! Huh!

Hey, Todd, why don't you show us all how it's done.

Yo, watch this, y'all.

What? He ain't even looking.

- You should look. - I should look now.

- You should look. - I should look now, okay.

[lively trumpet music]

Sometimes I don't know if I should listen to Howard 100

or if I should listen to Howard 101.

And then there's that weird time where there's a commercial

on both, and then I'm like,

I have no idea what to do with my life.

Oh, my God, look at us. We're like two yentas.

Again, I'm Randy from sound.

I'm gonna have to mic you.

If you just would take your dress off, that would be a help.

Oh, you know what, I can mic myself.

I've done this before. We're good.

We're good.

Oh, okay.

Actually, I am adopting a cat

from the North Shore Animal League

so that Howard and I can be bonded forever.

And I know that you work with them,

and I would love a letter of recommendation from you

or just sort of a good word.

That's not necessary.

Do you know about bonding principles?

That's where you get 'em while they're real young

and you strap 'em to your chest shirtless

to replicate the womb.

It's really great for them.

Isn't that more like a baby thing?

Oh, cats and babies are the same.

[static crackles] Randy, we need you onstage.

Oh, that's me. People need me.

You were great. Baba Booey. Betha Booey!

[laughs]

Thanks. That guy is weird.

Tell me about it.

You know, I have to admit, back when I was with men,

Randy was totally my type.

He was?

JK.

[laughter]

He's gross.

Oh, so gross.

Who's your favorite character in "Rocky"?

Oh, man. I'd go Ivan Drago.

I like Rocky.

- You like Rocky? - Yeah.

- You can't pick Rocky. - Why?

No, if you're gonna do... Obviously, there's Rocky,

but you gotta pick a different character...

Hey, guys, what up? It's not a party without melon, right?

Let me see.

Cantaloupe. - Yeah.

Cool, man.

[laughter]

Looks like you dropped something.

[chuckles] Cantaloupe.

More like can't elope,

'cause no one would ever marry you.

- Oh! - Ow!

[laughter]

Doesn't make any sense.

I was just trying to do my job.

I just wanted to hang!

Watch out for loose pillows!

[laughter]

[lively trumpet music]

Who is that?

The lost kitten.

No, it's not, Phil.

That's a cat. That's a full-grown cat.

That's not a kitten.

It's a cat.

Says you.

- [knock on door] - Mrs. Stern.

Oh. Hey, have you guys seen Beth Stern?

'Cause we were in the middle of this amazing conversation

about Howard's baby wipes,

and I didn't get the brand name, and I'm just...

Beth Stern isn't here, but guess what.

- What? - I solved a problem.

This is Beth's lost kitten.

Hello. How are the kittens?

Hey, great news. I found your missing kitten.

I'm not missing a kitten.

I brought six kittens.

That's a cat.

I had nothing to do with this.

Oh, my God. You only brought six kittens?

Oh, thank God!

We thought that we had lost one,

and so we were trying to replace it.

Oh, don't tell her the plan.

Wait a second, who is that mama cat?

I found her across the street at the apartment building.

Some kids were playing with her. Her name's Lucy.

Wait, you took Lucy away from children?

Well, I told them it was in the name of

official police business

and that Lucy was being sacrificed

for the greater good.

And they were okay with that?

No, they were very, very disappointed

and very sad.

Who are you people?

Oh, my God, did we not introduce ourselves?

I'm Penny. I'm Staci's assistant.

Again, I'm Randy.

You know what?

I feel like this is gonna be some sort of a thing,

so I'm gonna not tell you my name.

[lively trumpet music]

- Oh, thank you for coming. - Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you.

Great job. Have a great night. Thank you.

Thank you for all that you do.

Thank you. Thank you. You're wonderful. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Oh, Jason, thank you so much.

And I'm so sorry about the photo debacle in the lobby.

Yes, I will have it up ASAP, I promise.

Please, you guys, stop it. You guys are too sweet.

Seriously, no worries at all about it.

- Okay. - Don't even stress about it.

You guys are really fantastic.

I hope it's okay, but I had another picture taken of me

and I took the liberty of putting it up

on the greenroom wall. I hope that's okay.

Oh. Oh! Thank you so much.

I don't know what to say. Thank you.

Oh, God, okay. I didn't want to, like, overstep my bounds

or anything. You guys are awesome.

This was truly such a good time.

Great. So thank you so much for coming on.

Well, will you have me back?

- I hope. - Yes, it would be our honor.

- Our extreme privilege. - Fantastic.

Well, love to you all, okay.

Love to you.

Bye you guys. Thank you so much.

- Okay. - Bye.

- Bye. - Love you.

Don't say love you.

[gasps]

Fucking Biggs!

[sighs]

What a talented graffiti artist.

[sighs]

-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0