All language subtitles for Nightcap s01e05 The Guest.eng

[energetic brass music]

Hey, guys.

We actually have a great show tonight.

- We have Debra Messing...
- [gasps]

We have Mark Cuban from "Shark Tank,"

and we got animals.

[gasps] Which ones?

We got sloths and cute little bunnies.

I love sloths, and I think
it's important to note

that sloths only go to the bathroom

once a week, a policy
I think we should all

adopt at this office
because the bathrooms here

are disgusting and I want you to know

I've filed a formal report.

Yo, FYI, everybody,
I love "Will & Grace,"

so this is a huge day for me.

Wow, I never clocked you
as a "Will & Grace" lover.

I'm gonna take a huge
video,just... just us two...

Well, a quick vid, just a quick vid...

- Oh, whoa, wait. [gibberish]
- What?

Todd, you're not gonna take
a video of Debra Messing.

- It's for Instagram.
- For Jimmy's Instagram?

No. It... yeah.

Shit, yeah, it's for mine.

- Yes. I know.
- Yeah. I screwed up.

Good stuff. Um, Phil?

Could you make sure there's
no... [mouthing words].

I... you cut out on the last word.

I didn't hear it.

Can you make sure that nobody

is taping the celebs?

Okay, but isn't that why they're here?

Okay, can you make sure that Todd

doesn't videotape Debra Messing?

- [snorts]
- No, thank you.

- You're security!
- Yeah, okay.

Todd, please promise me that...

No.

I mean, my hands are tied, right?

He said what he said.

From Studio 9B in the
heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight: there's no "Messing" with her.

It's Debra Messing.

Reality TV's most beloved
billionaire since Trump,

Mark Cuban.

Plus, Ride Share Sing-A-Long!

And now the man who's
number five in the ratings,

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy.

[energetic brass music]

Oh, hey, Staci.

Can I have, like, an hour to
pitch an idea to Mark Cuban?

- No.
- Okay.

I can do it in probably,
like, 45 minutes.

Um, listen to me, Randy.

Your job is to walk in,

mic the guest, and then get out.

That's such a good idea.

I'm gonna pitch it to
him when I mic him.

Randy, look at me in the eye.

Your job is to mic the celebrity,

not speak to them, and get out.

I will be speaking to
Mark Cuban, though.

You will not be speaking to Mark Cuban.

Yes, I am.

- Hi, ladies.
- [gasps]

Oh, my God! Tim Gunn!

- Hi.
- Hi!

I just wanted you to know that I'm here.

Well, that's terrific.

Why are you?

I'm doing a pop-by on tonight's show.

That's exciting.

What's a "pop-by"?

Well, I saw Jimmy last night at Nobu,

and he said to come by the show

anytime for a pop-by.

Well, look at Jimmy, booking the show.

- Mm-hmm!
- Good.

Can you take Tim Gunn
to his dressing room?

Great, um,

can you just give us a moment, Mr. Gunn?

Of course.

Yeah, we're just gonna... make it work.

Great. Make it work.

- I'm gonna try.
- Oh, Staci.

You always make it work.

Well, thank you, Tim. I try.

And I will try now to make it work.

- Make it work!
- I am making it work.

We're gonna make it work,

and maybe you can in the
hallway for one moment.

Of course I can! I'll
make it work out here.

Make it work!

I love him so much.

But what are we gonna do with him?

Our show is completely full.

Fuck Jimmy. You know, he just...

Every time he goes around town

and just invites people
to be on the show,

it really screws up my job.

[groans]

Look, we have Mark Cuban
in dressing room two.

We have Debra Messing
in dressing room one.

We have the sloths.

I can't ask anybody to
share a dressing room

with another celebrity.

I don't know which I love more:

Tim Gunn or sloths.

Ah, you know what? Tim
Gunn trumps sloths.

So I'm gonna get rid of the animals.

You go give Tim Gunn a dressing room.

Did anybody see you come here?

No. Penny did, but she's stupid.

All right, now, you
cleared this with Staci?

- Yes.
- All right.

This is just the prototype.

- Remember, okay?
- I get it. I know.

Please, open the box. - Ready?

Yes.

[angelic music]

Do you hate them?

- They're perfect.
- [gasps]

Oh, my God, Marcus. You're a genius.

I know.

You should've gone to art school.

- I did.
- Oh. Sorry.

- We're gonna make millions.
- Billions.

Well, probably not billions.

- Millions.
- Millions.

- Hi, Todd.
- Hey.

- You look really nice today.
- Okay, great.

What's up with this whole
guest change thing

with Tim Gunn?

That's... that's not
Jimmy-approved, you know?

I mean, Tim Gunn makes Jimmy
feel really self-conscious

about the way he dresses, and...

No, it's fine, because, uh,

Tim Gunn ran into Jimmy at Nobu,

and Jimmy told him to stop by.

Oh, well, Jimmy can't remember

every promise he makes, you know?

- That was last night.
- Jimmy's famous.

I mean, that... time
happens differently.

Staci is on the phone right now

canceling the animal trainer
to make room for Tim Gunn.

- What? No! Whan! He...

He's been wanting to pet that
sloth for decades, all right?

- No...
- It's on his bucket list.

Get rid of Tim Gunn!

Staci!

Balls.

What?

There's an emergency!

Well, come and tell me what it is.

My God.

[lively music]

[gasps] We're so happy to have you here.

I can't tell you how hard
it's been to get you on.

Okay, so, um, any funny stories

about the remake of "Dirty Dancing"?

- Well, actually...
- No.

We're not talking about "Dirty Dancing."

Okay, we noticed on Instagram,

you always wear a lot of jewelry.

Is there a Debra Messing jewelry line?

No. We're not doing that.

- Are you dating anyone?
- No.

Well, I am.

I know that you love him,

but let's save that for
"People" magazine,

not "Nightcap with Jimmy."

- Okay.
- Hey!

Oh! - Hey.

- Debra Messing. Wow.
- Okay.

- I'm Todd.
- Hi, Todd.

- Hey, Staci.
- Thanks a lot. Buh-bye.

No, I-I had other things I wanted to...

- No!
- No?

- Nope.
- Okay. Bye.

I'm so sorry. He came with the job.

- Ah.
- Right this way.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- Good heavens!
- Hello!

- Is the circus in town?
- Yeah.

- Let me help you.
- Oh, thank you so much.

- Good heavens.
- I'm so sorry, Mr. Gunn.

We're a little bit full today.

Do you mind sharing a dressing room?

Oh, of course not. I don't
want to be any trouble.

I mean, after all, I'm
only doing a pop-by.

You're the greatest.

- Um, I'll let you guys get settled.
- Thank you, Penny.

And what is this?

It's a two-toed sloth.

Oh. Good heavens.

I've always wanted to meet a sloth.

Hello there, Mr. Sloth.

I'm Tim!

- Hey.
- Hi, Todd.

I still feel welcomed.

Uh, no, I came here 'cause I
wanted something from you.

Oh. Goody.

I just want to get a picture.

For my niece.

Um, it's my sister's kid out of wedlock.

Katinka! Mm.

She's nine, and, uh,

she really loves you, and, you know,

it'd just be great to
get that photo, um...

Is she sick?

- Yes.
- Oh. Of course.

Anything for a sick child.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, sure.

I'm... I'm one of the nice ones.

Oh, you're totally one
of the nice ones, Debs.

Ra. Debra.

- Deb-ra.
- Yeah.

- Oh, your name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- De... Debra.

- Mm-hmm. Thank you.
- Got it.

I won't mess that up.
I might mess it up.

- No.
- Okay, I won't mess it up.

- Yeah. I'll help you.
- Awesome.

Hey, you know what, Deb-ra?

Um, can I... can I actually get a video?

- Sure. Sure, of course.
- Really?

- Yes. Yes.
- Awesome.

Oh, man, so,

yeah, whenever you're
ready... and action.

- Hi, Katinka.

All right, I'm gonna
stop you right there.

Sorry, um, can you not mention her name?

'Cause it's, like, a little formal.

Uh, we actually call her "T-man."

'Cause her T cell counts are low.

Does she have AIDS? Is she an AIDS baby?

Oh, my God. Yeah, she is.

- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.

- Okay. All right.
- Horrible.

I... [sighs] All right.

Any... anything you need. Go ahead.

- Thank you so much.
- Yes. Yes.

All right, and let's
just get that going.

Hi, T-man.

I'm so sorry you're not feeling well.

- And cut.
- I...

Um, can you not mention

the whole "sickness" thing?

'Cause we want to keep this
upbeat, right?

Okay, so let's do it again real quick.

And action.

- It's so great to talk to you.
- Great. Cut.

Can we actually do it one more time?

Can you do it as Grace?

You know, your... the...

'Cause she doesn't know
who Deba Mess is.

Deb-ra Mess-ing is. Yeah. - De...

But she knows Grace.

I guess if you think it'll help.

Awesome. Thank you.

Uh, I'm gonna get some audio stuff

and... and lighting things.

Wha... wait. What... what? Oh, God.

[energetic brass music]

Oh, my. How lovely. Thank you.

Oh, no. This is not for you.

This is for Eugene,

who was actually booked on the show.

Here you are, Eugene.

Do not touch it.

Oh, my.

Okay, remember: you're Grace Adler.

You live in New York City
with your husband, Will.

Did you ever watch the show?

Yeah. Every episode.

- Action!
- Uh, hi.

Hi, it's me, Grace Adler.

Okay, cut. Real quick.

Can we make it, like,
a little less formal?

Yeah, and with more passion.

Yeah. Yeah, let's up that passion.

Okay. And action.

Hi, It's me, Grace Adler,

T-man.

I just wanted to say that I hope
you're having a good day

and that me and Will are in New York

right now, thinking of you.

Cut! It's "Will and I."

- I'm kind of a grammar nerd.
- Yeah, but Grace isn't.

Who the fuck is this guy anyway?

Sorry, yeah, let's just
ignore him real quick.

We're on a roll here,

so let's just pick it right back up.

- Okay.
- Sticking to your script here.

- Yeah.
- And action.

Hi, it's me, Grace Adler, T-man.

I just wanted to say that I hope
you're having a good day

and that Will and I are
in New York right now,

thinking of you.

And Jack and Karen are...

Are on the way over...

- [whispering] Yes. Good.

And, uh, hope you can make it.

And cut! Oh, my God. That's a wrap.

- Oh, good.
- That is so good.

Thank you so much.

I'm exhausted.

Well, hello, Mr. Sloth.

How's it hanging? [chuckles]

That was funny, Tim.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh. Goodness.
- Look at this.

This is incredible. This
is an animal kingdom.

It's a little menagerie.

Tim, we've had a little bit
of a technical glitch.

- Oh.
- And because of that,

we have to push the show
back, so I'm so sorry.

Oh, listen, Staci, I understand.

So we have a limo outside waiting,

and he can take you anywhere.

Oh, Staci, I don't mind waiting.

I've been up since 5:00 am.
for a photo shoot,

and frankly, I'm exhausted,

so having this time
just to rest and relax

is, frankly, welcome.

Tim, here's the thing:
we are overstuffed.

We have too much going
on in the show tonight.

Uh, it just... It's not
a good night for you.

But this is the only night
that I'm available all season,

and since Jimmy asked me,

I don't want to disappoint him.

Okay. Bear with me.

Hey, Mr. Cuban.

Hi, if we could just have

a very long moment of your time.

I-I'm doing business here, guys.

I'm trying to make a trade
for DeAndre Jordan.

All right, I have no idea what that is,

but we're about to make you filthy rich.

Dude, I'm already rich. That's my thing.

Hello, shark.

My name is Randy, and my business is...

Our business.

My business is Ma'Bangs.

Both: Ma'Bangs!

I am seeking $1.38 million

for a 2% stake in my business.

Our business.

You're valuing that

at $69 million?

Yes, and you are about to find out why.

Now, surely you've heard
of man buns, right?

Well, this is the future

of men's hair care accessories.

This is...

[both]: Ma'Bangs!

I mean, can you even
tell this is fake hair?

It's flawless, right?

This is a product by
men, for men, of men.

What does that even mean, "Of men"?

For centuries, women have had it easy,

with the freedom
to change their hairstyle

on a whim to go with the occasion,

the outfit, the mood.

While men have been imprisoned

by whatever they're given.

Now, God acts in mysterious ways,

but God is irrelevant now, because I...

- We...
- Have created...

Ma'Bangs!

For the man who likes to bang.

Hey, Deb-a-deb. Uh, sorry. Debra.

Todd, we did five takes.

Can you, uh, come with me real quick?

What?

Yeah, it's just, um,

real quick, if you can just

sit down here.

- W-what... what's going on?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, just... just have a seat,
Grace... on the Grace throne.

Real quick, I just had
to do one more take.

[sighs]

You know, I-I was at the editing bay,

and I just saw the footage,
and it looked horrible.

I mean, the lighting
was off, the makeup...

It was totally my fault,
and I'm sorry about that.

But you looked awful.
I mean, you looked terrible.

You look... you looked like
if you were, like,

dipped in a... in a bowl of acid

and you came out and you
did, like, a head flip

and your whole face flew off,
it was kind of around there.

Okay, just, let's... one more take.

She'll do one more! Aw! What a pro!

Let me just check you.
Okay, you look shiny.

And Grace cannot be shiny.

Why is the chef doing my makeup?

Because the makeup guy is pitching

a preposterous idea to Mark
Cuban in the other room.

So is the sound guy.

[laughs] They're always up to something.

Wow, there are some serious problems

in the staffing for this show.

- What the hell?
- What the hell?

It's okay. I'm... I'm...

I'm happy to do a video

for this... this very brave little girl.

- What little girl?
- Oh, my, uh...

My cousin... uh, I mean, niece.

- You don't have a cousin or a niece.

Yeah, I do! She's sick.

- She's sick with what?
- AIDS.

- AIDS?
- Okay, you know what?

Can we ju... let's just...
Let's just do this,

and we can be done with it, okay? Okay?

- Yeah, that's great.
- Yeah.

- Thank you so much.
- Okay.

One, three, action.

Hi, it's Grace Adler,

and I just wanted to say

I hope you're having a lovely day

and that Will and I
are in New York right now...

- Nah...
- And we're... what?

- What? What? What?
- No, no. I'm not buying it.

Me neither.

Feels like you haven't
played the role in a while.

Um, she played it for eight
critically-acclaimed seasons.

- Eight seasons.
- Eight? I thought it was two.

- Season three was the best.
- Agreed.

Oh, I got an idea!

Why don't we do a little
role-playing, you know?

Jog the memory a little bit?

I'll be your husband, Will.

- I can play Karen.
- Well, I could play Grace.

Would you shut the fuck up?

Whoa.

Well, you both can play Grace.

- I'm Grace!
- You definitely play Grace.

I'm Grace, the whole point
is, I'm Grace Adler!

The rumors are true.

Why don't you play all the roles?

Uh, all of 'em. All right.

Just like Eddie Murphy. Do
Eddie Murphy doing 'em.

- Okay.
- Action.

- Hi, it's Grace Adler. And Will.

[higher pitch] And Karen! And Jack!

And we just want you to know

that we're thinking of
you here in New York.

- [whispering] T-man.
- T-man.

[energetic brass music]

- [mumbling to self]

- Oh.
- Hey.

I cannot believe you shot that video.

Yeah, isn't it amazing?

She just, like, became Grace.

And I'm sure it's great, but
we're not gonna post it.

- Yeah, I got to.
- No, you don't.

- Yeah, I'm going to.
- No, you're not going to.

- Yeah, I am.
- No, you ain't.

- Yeah'am.
- Y'ain't.

- Yam.
- Y'ain't!

- Yam!
- Y'ain't!

- Yam!
- Y'ain't!

What are you doing? Oh, no!

Oh, what? I'm telling Jimmy about this.

So, Mr. Cuban, what do you say?

Are you in?

Guys, your pitch was awful.

Your presentation was worse.

Your product is hair on a string.

It's sad. Sad.

- Sad or...
- Sad.

- Or brilliant?
- Sad!

- Okay.
- But.

And I can't even believe
I'm telling you this.

I've never admitted this to anybody,

and please don't tell anybody,

but...

I'm one of those men.

I-I used to be able to grow
bangs when I was a kid,

and the memories of
playing with my bangs,

chewing on my bangs,

are some of my best memories.

So, despite you guys,

I like it.

I like it!

I'm in.

[both gasping]

- I'm in.
- For $1.38 million?

Hell no. That's a ridiculous valuation.

But I'm in for $25,000.

I think that's the problem.

You've been on Grindr. You're
supposed to be on Tinder.

That's why nobody swiped right?

- Exactly.
- Hey. Guys.

Guys, is Debbie still here?

- Uh, no, she left.
- [sighs] Nut butter!

[sighs] God.

I need to re-shoot everything with her.

The video's gone... all the footage,

it's... it's disappeared.

Like magic... not like good magic.
Like evil magic.

- Like Dungeons & Dragons.
- That's a drag.

- Sucks.
- God.

All right, I'm gonna go on the roof.

Jimmy said it might be in the clouds.

- Okay. Bye.
- Good luck.

Damn.

Did you delete that video?

I just don't think Todd

should have his cell
phone just strewn about,

with his password being
Jimmy's birth date.

[laughter] You're my hero.

Titty twister!

I love you.

[audience laughing]

Mr. Cuban, you were great.

And you look phenomenal.

- So virile.
- Don't call me "virile."

Okay. I'm sorry.

So how did you feel out there?

Confident?

You didn't hear them laughing at me?

- No. No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

They were laughing with you.
You're hilarious.

Everybody loves you.

This was the worst idea ever.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I-I'm a frickin' laughingstock.

And for that reason...

I'm out.

Oh, no.

- What are we gonna do?
- Oh, now it's "we"?

And for that reason,

I'm out.

Oh, no.

- Tim Gunn.
- Where is he?

- To my knowledge, he's still

in the sloth's dressing
room where I left him.

- What do we do?
- Okay. All right. Okay.

Okay, you know what?

I've been in this
profession for a long time.

This is what you do: you tell the truth.

No matter what mess
your boss puts you in,

you attack it head-on.

You take a bullet for him.

Doesn't matter if he's a narcissistic,

egomaniacal,

psychopathic man.

And that's me being kind.

This him?

Aw. He's all tuckered out.

- But I'll go wake him up.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Shut up!

Let's just get our stuff and go.

He's on his own.

[melancholy acoustic guitar music]

Oh, honey.

It's too late for you.

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