All language subtitles for New Girl s05e03 Jury Duty.eng

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,352 --> 00:00:02,152 Just make up an excuse 2 00:00:02,187 --> 00:00:03,937 and get out of jury duty, Jess. 3 00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:06,328 - Please, I need you. - No, Nick. 4 00:00:06,352 --> 00:00:07,843 It's a right and a privilege. 5 00:00:07,859 --> 00:00:09,826 In South Africa, they don't even have juries. 6 00:00:09,861 --> 00:00:11,608 They have a-a judge and two assessors. 7 00:00:11,633 --> 00:00:13,299 God, I would have bullied you as a kid. 8 00:00:13,335 --> 00:00:15,368 Jury duty is supposed to be a sacrifice. 9 00:00:15,403 --> 00:00:16,970 Would I like to be at work right now, 10 00:00:17,005 --> 00:00:19,428 participating in the Spirit Week assembly? 11 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,476 Yeah, I would. 12 00:00:20,501 --> 00:00:23,023 I've turned in some memorable performances in the past. 13 00:00:29,017 --> 00:00:30,984 But it's just one day... you'll be fine without me. 14 00:00:31,019 --> 00:00:32,952 Now that Cece and Schmidt are engaged, 15 00:00:32,988 --> 00:00:36,445 she's here all the time, and her stuff is everywhere. 16 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,929 Okay, yes, she's a hot slob. 17 00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:40,637 Ever since she got boobs, people stopped making her do stuff. 18 00:00:40,662 --> 00:00:42,896 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that is not an excuse. 19 00:00:42,931 --> 00:00:45,318 When I first grew boobs, people started handing me stuff, 20 00:00:45,343 --> 00:00:47,267 and I got messy, but then you got to grow up. 21 00:00:47,302 --> 00:00:49,269 - Not the same thing. - They're just boobs. 22 00:00:49,304 --> 00:00:51,271 I promise you, tonight when I get back from jury duty, 23 00:00:51,306 --> 00:00:54,164 I will explain it to her in a way that she'll listen to, 24 00:00:54,189 --> 00:00:56,676 unlike your way, where she'll rip your dingle off 25 00:00:56,711 --> 00:00:58,912 and sew it back on your head like a unicorn horn. 26 00:00:58,947 --> 00:01:00,079 She doesn't even live here. 27 00:01:00,115 --> 00:01:01,609 She never signed our loft agreement. 28 00:01:01,634 --> 00:01:03,396 She doesn't even know all the rules. 29 00:01:03,421 --> 00:01:05,185 (laughing): Hi. Look at you. 30 00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:06,753 You look so cute. 31 00:01:06,788 --> 00:01:08,922 (chuckling): Thank you. 32 00:01:08,957 --> 00:01:10,601 CECE: Love this top. 33 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,810 Jess, Nick needs to stop telling that wet pants story, okay? 34 00:01:13,835 --> 00:01:15,862 - I know. - I've heard it four times this week. 35 00:01:15,897 --> 00:01:18,131 So I take a hot glass out of the dishwasher, 36 00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,279 I pour cold water into it, 37 00:01:20,304 --> 00:01:21,968 then the customer picks up the glass, 38 00:01:22,003 --> 00:01:23,369 and the bottom falls off. 39 00:01:23,405 --> 00:01:24,704 - Oh, that's crazy. - For real? 40 00:01:24,739 --> 00:01:26,105 NICK: He looks down, and he goes, like, 41 00:01:26,141 --> 00:01:27,807 (Italian accent): "Oh, my pants are wet." 42 00:01:27,842 --> 00:01:29,676 (laughing) 43 00:01:29,711 --> 00:01:32,612 I know, he-he needs to shape that story. 44 00:01:32,647 --> 00:01:34,013 I don't know how you live with him. 45 00:01:34,049 --> 00:01:35,615 He is the most obnoxious... 46 00:01:35,650 --> 00:01:36,883 WINSTON: Knock it off. (indistinct arguing) 47 00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:38,051 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 48 00:01:38,086 --> 00:01:39,320 Stop. Stop it. Knock it off. 49 00:01:39,345 --> 00:01:40,453 Jess, are you cool with me hanging 50 00:01:40,488 --> 00:01:42,288 this groundbreaking poster 51 00:01:42,324 --> 00:01:44,053 of dogs playing poker on the wall? 52 00:01:44,078 --> 00:01:45,625 Jess, please tell him that he cannot hang 53 00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:47,527 - this horrible painting. - I really have to go. 54 00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:48,995 I think it's hilarious... they're playing poker. 55 00:01:49,030 --> 00:01:50,140 Rather see a painting 56 00:01:50,165 --> 00:01:51,864 of Arnold Schwarzenegger, mid-coitus. 57 00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:52,865 (grunts) 58 00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:54,400 Just straight up doing it. 59 00:01:54,436 --> 00:01:55,868 Let's talk about the painting tonight. 60 00:01:55,904 --> 00:01:57,264 Uh, do nothing till I get home. 61 00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,204 Do nothing till I get home. 62 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,826 Do nothing till I get home. 63 00:01:59,851 --> 00:02:00,540 SCHMIDT: Bye-bye. 64 00:02:00,575 --> 00:02:02,041 - Bye. - Okay. - Yeah. 65 00:02:02,375 --> 00:02:03,409 NICK: That's my guy. 66 00:02:03,445 --> 00:02:05,037 Is it me, or is Cece really... 67 00:02:05,062 --> 00:02:05,857 BOTH: Messy. 68 00:02:05,882 --> 00:02:06,865 Yes. 69 00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:08,014 (scoffs) Dude. 70 00:02:08,049 --> 00:02:09,771 I love it when we say things at... 71 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,417 - Same time. - the same time. 72 00:02:11,453 --> 00:02:12,852 Just... just... we're right there s... 73 00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:14,687 R-Right there s... 74 00:02:14,723 --> 00:02:16,089 - Wait. - When we say things at the... 75 00:02:16,124 --> 00:02:17,924 - same... time. - Same... time. 76 00:02:17,959 --> 00:02:19,359 Okay, now you're getting in your head again. 77 00:02:19,394 --> 00:02:20,281 Just relax. 78 00:02:20,570 --> 00:02:22,595 Remember the thing about Cece being really... 79 00:02:22,631 --> 00:02:24,197 BOTH: Messy. 80 00:02:24,232 --> 00:02:26,032 - And we say things at the same... - The same... 81 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,433 See, you're getting in your head because you're going quieter. 82 00:02:27,469 --> 00:02:29,035 - Just go with your gut. - (groans) 83 00:02:29,070 --> 00:02:31,031 - Isn't Cece really... messy? - This is fun. Messy. 84 00:02:31,056 --> 00:02:32,772 -'Cause we say things at the same... time. - Time. 85 00:02:32,807 --> 00:02:34,437 - I'm done with you. - I had it. 86 00:02:34,547 --> 00:02:36,671 Synced and corrected by Chitorafa www.addic7ed.com 87 00:02:39,014 --> 00:02:40,980 88 00:02:43,985 --> 00:02:45,918 - Trying to get out of jury duty? - Excuse me? 89 00:02:45,954 --> 00:02:47,179 The way you're dressed, 90 00:02:47,204 --> 00:02:48,636 like you're in a school play about old people. 91 00:02:48,661 --> 00:02:50,279 You want the judge to think you're crazy. 92 00:02:50,601 --> 00:02:52,158 These are my real clothes, 93 00:02:52,193 --> 00:02:54,594 and I would never try to get out of jury duty. 94 00:02:54,629 --> 00:02:57,429 It's not just a right; it's also a privilege. 95 00:02:57,609 --> 00:02:59,912 And who are you to talk about clothes? 96 00:02:59,937 --> 00:03:01,328 You're just wearing a blue suit. 97 00:03:01,353 --> 00:03:02,859 Oh, call Milan. 98 00:03:03,148 --> 00:03:05,281 Notice I'm not calling Milan. 99 00:03:05,473 --> 00:03:06,383 Wow. 100 00:03:07,309 --> 00:03:08,242 I'm sorry. 101 00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:10,264 I actually agree with you. 102 00:03:10,289 --> 00:03:11,511 Can we start over? 103 00:03:11,546 --> 00:03:13,012 Can I buy your coffee for you? 104 00:03:13,048 --> 00:03:15,615 - Herbal tea, and make it a big one. - You got it. 105 00:03:15,650 --> 00:03:16,983 - (cell phone rings) - Oh, excuse me. 106 00:03:17,018 --> 00:03:18,055 Yeah. 107 00:03:19,796 --> 00:03:20,853 Oh, hey, Nick. 108 00:03:20,889 --> 00:03:23,023 I just met the other only person in America 109 00:03:23,048 --> 00:03:26,192 who cares about jury duty, and he's a gosh-damn dreamboat. 110 00:03:26,227 --> 00:03:27,627 Jess, we have an emergency. 111 00:03:27,662 --> 00:03:29,262 Cece's washing her clothes, 112 00:03:29,297 --> 00:03:30,963 and I can't even get down the hall. 113 00:03:30,999 --> 00:03:32,609 She's built a laundry dam. 114 00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:34,967 - Well, can't you just step over it? - No time. 115 00:03:35,003 --> 00:03:36,836 You know I need to go straight from the bathroom 116 00:03:36,871 --> 00:03:38,471 to the kitchen. It's a blood sugar thing. 117 00:03:38,506 --> 00:03:40,673 WINSTON: Hey, Jess, it's your roommate Winston Bishop. 118 00:03:40,709 --> 00:03:44,110 Isn't it amazing how a frame can elevate already great art? 119 00:03:44,145 --> 00:03:46,179 Winston, don't hang that picture till I get home. 120 00:03:46,214 --> 00:03:47,947 And I would talk to Schmidt about it, 121 00:03:47,982 --> 00:03:49,515 but it's like he can't even see the mess. 122 00:03:49,551 --> 00:03:51,351 It's like he's love-blind or something. 123 00:03:51,386 --> 00:03:53,632 Oh, man, I've never been this happy in my entire life. 124 00:03:53,657 --> 00:03:54,787 I got to tell you, you guys, 125 00:03:54,823 --> 00:03:56,789 Cece and I just had shower sex. 126 00:03:57,703 --> 00:03:58,391 Don't. 127 00:03:58,426 --> 00:03:59,304 Did he just kiss you? 128 00:03:59,329 --> 00:04:01,179 Why does he act like the Pope when he's happy? 129 00:04:01,204 --> 00:04:02,929 I guess I'll just talk to Cece myself, 130 00:04:02,964 --> 00:04:05,318 and I'll tell her she's a disgusting beast, 131 00:04:05,343 --> 00:04:07,066 and she'll have to listen to me 'cause I'm the man of the house. 132 00:04:07,102 --> 00:04:08,901 What?! No, no, no! 133 00:04:08,926 --> 00:04:10,578 Do not talk to Cece. 134 00:04:10,603 --> 00:04:14,006 Also... everything you just said was offensive. Everything. 135 00:04:14,042 --> 00:04:16,008 Do not talk to Cece. 136 00:04:16,044 --> 00:04:18,478 Ignore every natural instinct you have. 137 00:04:19,796 --> 00:04:20,880 What's up, dude? 138 00:04:20,915 --> 00:04:23,249 Hey, you mind if I steal Jess for a second? 139 00:04:23,284 --> 00:04:24,717 Be careful. The screen's cracked. 140 00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,084 - You might cut your face off. - Yeah. 141 00:04:26,109 --> 00:04:28,435 NICK: Hey, Jess, I'm gonna give you to... to Winston. 142 00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:29,355 Uh... 143 00:04:29,391 --> 00:04:31,054 I just have to step over the... 144 00:04:31,859 --> 00:04:33,760 I'm not sure how I'm gonna get over the... Here. 145 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:34,794 Just... 146 00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:38,947 Uh, just... here, come on. 147 00:04:39,634 --> 00:04:41,033 (grunts triumphantly) 148 00:04:41,069 --> 00:04:43,302 Tell her I got over. Tell her I'm okay. 149 00:04:43,554 --> 00:04:44,904 Nick says he's fine. 150 00:04:44,939 --> 00:04:46,454 Hey, uh, Jess? 151 00:04:46,775 --> 00:04:49,990 If one were to put a hammer through a wall, 152 00:04:50,015 --> 00:04:51,411 what would one do? 153 00:04:51,446 --> 00:04:52,445 I actually have to get going. 154 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,080 - Hello? Je... - Uh, I got to go. Bye. 155 00:04:54,115 --> 00:04:55,125 It was really nice to meet you. 156 00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:56,749 Oh, nice meeting you, too. 157 00:04:56,785 --> 00:04:58,184 Um, I'm Jess. 158 00:04:58,219 --> 00:04:59,285 And you are? 159 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:00,286 It's on the cup. 160 00:05:00,321 --> 00:05:02,288 Oh. (laughs) 161 00:05:02,323 --> 00:05:03,890 "Daniel." (chuckles) 162 00:05:03,925 --> 00:05:05,725 And your phone number. That's a cool move. 163 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,860 Yeah, it was a cool move, huh? 164 00:05:07,896 --> 00:05:10,696 165 00:05:10,732 --> 00:05:12,832 You disgusting beast. 166 00:05:15,429 --> 00:05:16,435 SCHMIDT: Hey, Nick. 167 00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:18,232 Did you leave your cereal out? 168 00:05:18,257 --> 00:05:19,605 You need to clean up after yourself. 169 00:05:20,204 --> 00:05:21,843 Shared living space, bro. 170 00:05:23,254 --> 00:05:24,420 I can't do it. 171 00:05:24,445 --> 00:05:25,388 Schmidt, I can't do it. 172 00:05:25,413 --> 00:05:27,405 You can clean up the cereal. Just go put it away. 173 00:05:28,535 --> 00:05:30,959 There's no cereal here; it's in the kitchen. Go clean it up. 174 00:05:30,984 --> 00:05:33,132 Open your eyes, open your eyes to what's happening. 175 00:05:33,157 --> 00:05:36,122 You already sleep in a mud dungeon. Please... 176 00:05:36,157 --> 00:05:37,557 Cece's a hot slob. 177 00:05:37,592 --> 00:05:39,592 Cece, you're a hot slob. 178 00:05:40,628 --> 00:05:41,928 - What? - I'm sorry, what? 179 00:05:41,963 --> 00:05:44,096 Look around, her stuff is everywhere. 180 00:05:44,132 --> 00:05:45,498 It's disgusting. 181 00:05:45,533 --> 00:05:47,803 Hey, Cece, you know what's fly? 182 00:05:47,828 --> 00:05:50,100 - Love that hat. - Cleaning's fly. 183 00:05:50,125 --> 00:05:51,889 Cleaning's cool, dude. 184 00:05:51,914 --> 00:05:54,006 Hey, everybody, I'm Cece Parekh. 185 00:05:54,042 --> 00:05:56,843 I got a bunch of hats, but I never wear them, 186 00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,846 'cause I'm so busy throwing them around, being fly. 187 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:01,280 Clean up after...! 188 00:06:01,316 --> 00:06:02,421 Let's get her, Winston. 189 00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,116 - Am I right? - Uh, you know... 190 00:06:04,152 --> 00:06:05,518 I think we should just remember 191 00:06:05,553 --> 00:06:08,354 that we all make... mistakes, um... 192 00:06:08,389 --> 00:06:09,789 Don't get soft on me right now. 193 00:06:09,824 --> 00:06:11,023 So keep-keep that in mind 194 00:06:11,059 --> 00:06:12,492 as we go forward with our day. 195 00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:13,926 -I'm hard to live with? - NICK: Yeah. 196 00:06:13,962 --> 00:06:15,328 Because I got news for you... 197 00:06:15,353 --> 00:06:18,732 you are so much harder to live with. 198 00:06:18,757 --> 00:06:20,820 Hey, uh, guys, I-I feel like we're headed 199 00:06:20,845 --> 00:06:22,602 down a really unproductive path. 200 00:06:22,637 --> 00:06:24,203 I made tabbouleh. Who wants some? 201 00:06:24,239 --> 00:06:25,109 Yes. Love some. 202 00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:29,185 You tell the same story over and over. 203 00:06:29,210 --> 00:06:31,344 "I've got wet pants." We get it. 204 00:06:31,379 --> 00:06:32,896 Bottom of the glass fell clean off. 205 00:06:32,921 --> 00:06:34,007 It was a science miracle. 206 00:06:34,032 --> 00:06:36,115 No, the glass was hot, and the ice made the glass contract, 207 00:06:36,150 --> 00:06:38,273 and that is why it broke; not funny the first six times, 208 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,709 and not funny now, 'cause, guess what, Nick Miller... 209 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,122 - not always funny. - No... 210 00:06:43,157 --> 00:06:44,015 Whoa. 211 00:06:44,724 --> 00:06:47,185 He's... so funny. You're so funny. 212 00:06:47,210 --> 00:06:48,694 I'm... You don't have to hold me back. There's not a problem. 213 00:06:48,730 --> 00:06:50,342 (chuckles) Say what you got to say. 214 00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:51,697 You want to say anything else, say it. 215 00:06:51,733 --> 00:06:53,232 - Not always funny. - Say it to my face. 216 00:06:53,268 --> 00:06:55,055 - Not always funny. - Say it again. 217 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,203 - Not always funny. - (whispering): Say it again. 218 00:06:57,238 --> 00:06:58,538 - Not always funny. - Say it again. 219 00:06:58,573 --> 00:06:59,605 - Not always funny. - Say it again. 220 00:06:59,641 --> 00:07:01,071 - Not always funny. - Say it again. 221 00:07:01,096 --> 00:07:02,975 SCHMIDT: So why don't we just sit down and... 222 00:07:03,011 --> 00:07:04,744 and talk this out like adults? 223 00:07:04,779 --> 00:07:06,979 I would love to, Schmidty, but where will we sit? 224 00:07:07,015 --> 00:07:08,752 - Okay. - Oh, perhaps we'll sit 225 00:07:08,777 --> 00:07:11,883 on this pile of uneaten carrots. 226 00:07:11,908 --> 00:07:13,586 It's like I'm living with Secretariat, 227 00:07:13,611 --> 00:07:14,524 the horse! 228 00:07:14,549 --> 00:07:16,355 (laughs) He's hilarious. 229 00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:19,289 - On the plus side, I'm being very witty during this fight! - You know what, Nick? 230 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,027 WOMAN: Number 24. 231 00:07:21,062 --> 00:07:22,728 Number 16. 232 00:07:22,764 --> 00:07:24,497 Yes! Sorry. 233 00:07:24,532 --> 00:07:25,932 I never win anything. 234 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,401 - (phone ringing) - Sorry. Uh, uh... oh. 235 00:07:28,436 --> 00:07:30,102 Dr. Foster, is everything okay? 236 00:07:30,138 --> 00:07:31,197 FOSTER: J.D.? 237 00:07:31,222 --> 00:07:32,322 It ain't. 238 00:07:32,373 --> 00:07:33,606 I decided I was gonna be 239 00:07:33,641 --> 00:07:35,675 Marcus the Meerkat, because, you know, 240 00:07:35,710 --> 00:07:38,917 you and I have remarkably similar body shapes. 241 00:07:39,346 --> 00:07:40,141 Okay. 242 00:07:40,166 --> 00:07:41,247 Um, what's the problem? 243 00:07:41,282 --> 00:07:43,641 I fell and shattered my hip. 244 00:07:43,666 --> 00:07:45,860 Oh, God! I'm so sorry. 245 00:07:45,885 --> 00:07:46,907 How bad is it? 246 00:07:46,932 --> 00:07:49,455 The, uh, paramedic described my left leg 247 00:07:49,490 --> 00:07:52,425 as a skin bag full of 248 00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:53,960 hip shards? 249 00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,928 A skin... a skin bag full of hip shards. 250 00:07:55,964 --> 00:07:57,897 You're gonna have to take over my duties. 251 00:07:57,932 --> 00:08:01,219 We are talking about the big job: 252 00:08:01,244 --> 00:08:03,008 acting principal. 253 00:08:03,033 --> 00:08:03,469 Yes! 254 00:08:03,504 --> 00:08:04,819 I'd love to! 255 00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:08,641 Oh... but my number just got called. 256 00:08:08,676 --> 00:08:10,076 Well, that means 257 00:08:10,111 --> 00:08:11,477 the district's gonna be 258 00:08:11,512 --> 00:08:14,246 - bringing in Becky Cavatappi. - Ugh! 259 00:08:14,282 --> 00:08:16,282 They've been pushing her for my job. 260 00:08:16,307 --> 00:08:17,416 She has fake zoomers. 261 00:08:17,441 --> 00:08:19,118 What kind of message does that send 262 00:08:19,143 --> 00:08:21,064 to girls with growing zoomers? 263 00:08:21,089 --> 00:08:23,322 I think she had her butt done, too. 264 00:08:23,358 --> 00:08:24,603 Every time she runs, 265 00:08:24,628 --> 00:08:27,352 that thing sounds like an Indian rain stick. 266 00:08:27,377 --> 00:08:29,618 I really want to be principal, so, um... 267 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:30,453 I'll be there. 268 00:08:30,478 --> 00:08:32,197 Uh, I'll just have to, uh... 269 00:08:33,353 --> 00:08:35,680 get out of jury duty. 270 00:08:35,705 --> 00:08:37,003 I'll talk to you soon! 271 00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:38,337 (shrieks in pain) 272 00:08:40,708 --> 00:08:43,107 Sorry. It's a tense situation. 273 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,626 So who should I call next to tell my story? 274 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,994 - I'm not cleaning till you get off the phone, Nicole. - How about Patty's Pizza? 275 00:08:49,019 --> 00:08:51,731 Smooth it out, smooth it out. 276 00:08:51,756 --> 00:08:54,338 - (cracking sounds) - Oh, boy. 277 00:08:54,510 --> 00:08:55,805 You are angry. 278 00:08:55,830 --> 00:08:57,192 (phone ringing) 279 00:08:59,486 --> 00:09:01,133 Winston, I need your help... 280 00:09:01,510 --> 00:09:02,821 (whispering): getting out of jury duty 281 00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:03,985 Jessica damn Day! 282 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,188 - I know, I'm a terrible person. - Put Nick on the phone. 283 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:06,955 No can do, J. 284 00:09:06,971 --> 00:09:08,618 He and Cece are in it. 285 00:09:08,643 --> 00:09:09,672 (indistinct shouting) 286 00:09:09,707 --> 00:09:11,774 What? I told him not to talk to her. 287 00:09:11,799 --> 00:09:13,766 How bad is it? Is Nick standing really wide-legged? 288 00:09:13,801 --> 00:09:15,063 Is Cece calling him 289 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,135 mean girl names? 290 00:09:16,170 --> 00:09:17,299 Don't call me Nicole! 291 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,469 Okay, Nick-hole! 292 00:09:19,494 --> 00:09:20,973 Yeah. That's happening. 293 00:09:21,008 --> 00:09:22,241 - Kids, huh? - Yeah. 294 00:09:23,144 --> 00:09:24,924 Is that Jess? Jess. 295 00:09:24,949 --> 00:09:25,775 It's awful. 296 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,471 I don't know what to do. I'm sure Cece 297 00:09:27,496 --> 00:09:29,081 has her flaws, but I just can't see them. 298 00:09:29,117 --> 00:09:30,846 And even if I could, what would I do? 299 00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,737 How does a man stand up to the sunset? 300 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:35,172 Cece and Nick are basically the same person. 301 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,774 Both stubborn, hotheaded 302 00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:37,846 and brutally honest. 303 00:09:37,871 --> 00:09:39,284 Oh, dear Lord. 304 00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:41,679 - I'm marrying Nick. - Duh. 305 00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:43,347 Aw. I kind of love that. 306 00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:44,782 All right, what should we do? 307 00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:46,050 Can't go to Cece's apartment. 308 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,685 Nadia's baby is teething. 309 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,387 Have you ever heard a Russian child scream? 310 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,222 All the time, in my Putin nightmare. 311 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,724 Look, get Cece to sign the loftgreement. 312 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,560 Nick wrote it, so he'll like that. 313 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,695 They'll both play hardball till they get bored, 314 00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,063 which will be immediately. 315 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,143 That's good. 316 00:10:00,455 --> 00:10:02,900 - You've impressed me today. - Oh, wait, wait. Is that Jess? 317 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,869 - Hey, hey. Give me the phone. - All right. 318 00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,971 - Hey, Jess, Nick-hole here... -What? 319 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,873 Stop calling me Nicole! I'm a boy! 320 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:09,822 CECE: Nick is calling everyone he knows 321 00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:10,893 to tell them this dumb story. 322 00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:13,516 Hello, your friend is a pig person. 323 00:10:13,541 --> 00:10:14,506 Guys, stop. 324 00:10:14,542 --> 00:10:15,471 Hey, Chaz, I'm on the other line. 325 00:10:15,496 --> 00:10:17,329 You're not gonna believe what happens to this glass. 326 00:10:17,354 --> 00:10:19,345 - It's an incredible story; you're gonna freak out. - Please stop. 327 00:10:19,370 --> 00:10:20,736 - I'll talk to you soon. - JESS: Put me on speaker. 328 00:10:20,771 --> 00:10:22,004 Hold on. 329 00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,072 Button's right there. 330 00:10:23,107 --> 00:10:24,540 I know which button it is. 331 00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,353 Now, what I'm about to say 332 00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:30,650 might shock you, 333 00:10:30,675 --> 00:10:33,157 but I need help getting out of jury duty. 334 00:10:33,182 --> 00:10:34,619 - Oh-ho-ho! - Well, well, well... 335 00:10:34,644 --> 00:10:36,713 Look, I have the chance to be acting principal. 336 00:10:36,738 --> 00:10:39,274 You don't know Becky Cavatappi, but she's a murderer. 337 00:10:39,299 --> 00:10:40,299 What? 338 00:10:40,697 --> 00:10:42,086 She-she's not a murderer, 339 00:10:42,111 --> 00:10:44,293 but I... I really don't like her. 340 00:10:44,329 --> 00:10:46,362 You can't just be going around throwing "murderer" on people. 341 00:10:46,397 --> 00:10:48,197 Guys, I need to go in right now. What do I do? 342 00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:50,860 Whatever the trial's about, I say I don't believe in it. 343 00:10:50,885 --> 00:10:52,469 Just tell them that your parents are Pakistani militants. 344 00:10:52,494 --> 00:10:53,569 - That's what I do; works every time. - Yeah. 345 00:10:53,604 --> 00:10:55,204 Why'd you have an accent when you said "Pakistani"? 346 00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:56,972 Because that's actually how you pronounce it. "Pakazani"? 347 00:10:57,008 --> 00:10:58,641 It's great seeing you guys work together. 348 00:10:58,676 --> 00:10:59,575 You said it stupid. 349 00:10:59,610 --> 00:11:00,976 I don't really want to lie. 350 00:11:01,012 --> 00:11:02,311 It's kind of not really my brand. 351 00:11:02,347 --> 00:11:03,746 You'll never see any of these people again. 352 00:11:03,781 --> 00:11:05,981 There are no consequences. Okay. Uh, I gotta go. 353 00:11:06,017 --> 00:11:08,360 Just remember you're a garbage person 354 00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:09,819 and you hate America. 355 00:11:09,854 --> 00:11:12,555 I'm a garbage person who hates America. 356 00:11:15,127 --> 00:11:17,711 WOMAN: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, 357 00:11:17,736 --> 00:11:19,028 the whole truth 358 00:11:19,063 --> 00:11:21,731 and nothing but the truth, so help me God? 359 00:11:21,766 --> 00:11:23,666 The whole truth and nothing but the truth, 360 00:11:23,701 --> 00:11:25,185 so help me Gob. 361 00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:29,438 Did... did you just say "Gob"? 362 00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,211 Did you say "Gob"? 363 00:11:35,246 --> 00:11:36,930 - What? - Yeah, she said "Gob." 364 00:11:36,955 --> 00:11:38,280 Whose side are you on? 365 00:11:38,316 --> 00:11:39,463 Justice. 366 00:11:39,951 --> 00:11:40,983 367 00:11:42,463 --> 00:11:45,735 DANIEL: This question is for potential juror number 16. 368 00:11:47,213 --> 00:11:48,977 This case involves marriage. 369 00:11:49,002 --> 00:11:51,188 I don't believe in marriage. 370 00:11:53,362 --> 00:11:55,393 Excuse me, you don't believe in marriage? 371 00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,174 As a concept? 372 00:11:57,199 --> 00:12:01,068 Well, you know, you gotta keep the freeway open. 373 00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,764 Uh, 'cause... 374 00:12:03,372 --> 00:12:05,205 sooner or later, you're gonna get tired 375 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,442 of the same cars driving down it. 376 00:12:08,721 --> 00:12:09,728 Capiche? 377 00:12:10,369 --> 00:12:11,307 Yes, capiche. 378 00:12:11,332 --> 00:12:13,708 The two things that are ruining this country 379 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,366 are marriage and democracy. 380 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:16,643 How refreshing. 381 00:12:17,268 --> 00:12:20,032 Another person who wants to get out of jury duty. 382 00:12:20,057 --> 00:12:22,418 I thought some people took this seriously, 383 00:12:22,443 --> 00:12:23,576 but apparently not. 384 00:12:23,705 --> 00:12:25,109 Trial by jury 385 00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:27,311 is a pillar of our democracy, 386 00:12:27,346 --> 00:12:29,713 and yes, it is inconvenient. 387 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,116 But sometimes, sacrifice 388 00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,446 and civic duty are. 389 00:12:34,471 --> 00:12:37,235 You don't deserve the honor of serving your country. 390 00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:38,766 Maybe you should live in South Africa, 391 00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:39,697 where they don't have juries. 392 00:12:39,722 --> 00:12:40,518 I know, I know! 393 00:12:40,549 --> 00:12:42,082 They have a judge and two assessors. 394 00:12:42,117 --> 00:12:44,157 Look, I'm-I'm so sorry. 395 00:12:44,182 --> 00:12:45,391 I didn't mean all that other stuff. 396 00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:46,595 I'd be a great juror. 397 00:12:46,620 --> 00:12:48,119 If you put me on this jury, 398 00:12:48,154 --> 00:12:49,687 you will not regret it. 399 00:12:53,291 --> 00:12:55,126 That was an emotional moment, 400 00:12:55,161 --> 00:12:58,403 and I feel it would be best punctuated with a... 401 00:12:59,533 --> 00:13:01,308 crash of that thing. 402 00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:02,132 Nah. 403 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,435 404 00:13:04,877 --> 00:13:06,204 The roommate loft agreement 405 00:13:06,239 --> 00:13:08,766 was formed in the year of our Lord 2005. 406 00:13:08,791 --> 00:13:09,674 Hurricane Katrina 407 00:13:09,699 --> 00:13:11,361 had just decimated the American South, 408 00:13:11,386 --> 00:13:14,412 but we here, in Loft 4D, 409 00:13:14,447 --> 00:13:17,735 had gone through, well, perhaps in many ways 410 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,083 a more horrifying Katrina. 411 00:13:19,119 --> 00:13:20,618 - You can't say that. - Can't say that. 412 00:13:20,654 --> 00:13:24,125 A kitchen condom disposal clause? 413 00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:25,957 That is not a relevant clause. 414 00:13:25,992 --> 00:13:27,592 Not relevant? I almost died. 415 00:13:28,728 --> 00:13:29,869 Ugh. 416 00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:32,463 - Winston! - Yeah? 417 00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:34,766 Stop having sex in the sink! 418 00:13:34,801 --> 00:13:35,948 Okay. 419 00:13:36,369 --> 00:13:38,463 First clause: "If a roommate has 420 00:13:38,488 --> 00:13:40,271 "five or more grooming products in the bathroom, 421 00:13:40,307 --> 00:13:41,650 "they must use a shower caddy 422 00:13:41,675 --> 00:13:43,875 "or pay an additional ten dollars in rent, 423 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,277 adjusted every two years for inflation." 424 00:13:46,313 --> 00:13:49,781 I currently pay an additional $11.97 in rent. 425 00:13:49,816 --> 00:13:51,749 Okay, yeah, well, I'm not using a shower caddy, 426 00:13:51,785 --> 00:13:54,352 because I'm an adult woman and I don't live in a dorm. 427 00:13:54,387 --> 00:13:55,687 Have you been to a dorm recently? 428 00:13:55,722 --> 00:13:56,635 It's like a spa. 429 00:13:56,660 --> 00:13:58,455 Those horny texters live like kings. 430 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,625 Nick is really damaging this negotiation. 431 00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:02,391 Hey, speaking of damages, 432 00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:04,305 you know, what if we all pitched in 433 00:14:04,330 --> 00:14:06,219 to fix loft damages? 434 00:14:06,244 --> 00:14:08,072 I don't know, let's say... 435 00:14:08,088 --> 00:14:09,986 Nick broke something, like a wall. 436 00:14:09,995 --> 00:14:11,461 I'll fix it. I can fix anything. 437 00:14:11,497 --> 00:14:12,635 Yeah, not according to 438 00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:14,993 the "Nick can't do electrical work" clause. 439 00:14:15,018 --> 00:14:16,667 No, no, don't touch him! He's electric, he's electric! 440 00:14:18,799 --> 00:14:19,713 Hot! 441 00:14:22,948 --> 00:14:24,314 Cece, you're the love of my life, 442 00:14:24,349 --> 00:14:26,149 but I-I kindly ask that you don't read ahead. 443 00:14:26,174 --> 00:14:26,947 CECE: Okay, fine. 444 00:14:26,972 --> 00:14:28,951 I'll use a shower caddy, okay? 445 00:14:28,986 --> 00:14:30,744 And now that I've agreed to my thing, 446 00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:33,268 can we just agree that Nick can limit his stories? 447 00:14:33,293 --> 00:14:34,174 You trying to take away 448 00:14:34,199 --> 00:14:35,900 my constitutional right to be hilarious? 449 00:14:35,925 --> 00:14:37,224 Fine. I won't use a shower caddy. 450 00:14:38,629 --> 00:14:40,730 Use the caddy, I'll be less chatty. 451 00:14:41,766 --> 00:14:42,861 It's hilarious. 452 00:14:42,886 --> 00:14:45,078 It's undeniably hilarious that I just said that. 453 00:14:45,103 --> 00:14:46,969 - Do you hear yourself? - Great, we're in agreement. 454 00:14:47,004 --> 00:14:48,893 Now just sign here, and we'll give you a key. 455 00:14:48,918 --> 00:14:50,916 Give her a key? (scoffs) 456 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,256 I'm a little confused. 457 00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:53,701 Is that really necessary? 458 00:14:53,737 --> 00:14:56,437 It's like giving a squirrel a key to the park. 459 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,373 The park is always open, and the squirrel 460 00:14:58,408 --> 00:15:00,007 is there with rabbit, 461 00:15:00,043 --> 00:15:02,485 and squirrel and rabbit are there all the time. 462 00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:05,079 So does squirrel need key? 463 00:15:05,115 --> 00:15:07,014 What is happening? You're dropping all your articles. 464 00:15:07,050 --> 00:15:08,950 - I not! - Now you're losing verbs! 465 00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:10,685 So, are the squirrel and the rabbit... they're friends? 466 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,053 Hey, babe, do not get concerned. 467 00:15:12,088 --> 00:15:13,688 He's probably just tired or hungry, 468 00:15:13,723 --> 00:15:15,189 or getting jealous that I'm spending 469 00:15:15,225 --> 00:15:17,525 so much time with his best friend. 470 00:15:17,994 --> 00:15:20,528 As a matter of fact, I am tired, and I am hungry, 471 00:15:20,563 --> 00:15:23,339 but the third thing is way off base. 472 00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:26,100 - If you weren't a girl, - Uh-huh? 473 00:15:26,136 --> 00:15:28,269 - I'd karate chop you in the mouth. - You would get winded 474 00:15:28,304 --> 00:15:31,105 just trying to ball your fist up, dough-boy. 475 00:15:31,141 --> 00:15:32,707 Well, good thing you don't need a fist for a karate chop, 476 00:15:32,742 --> 00:15:34,942 - you stupid idiot. - You are such a door knob. 477 00:15:34,978 --> 00:15:36,711 And if I wanted to karate chop you, you'd be dead! 478 00:15:36,746 --> 00:15:37,745 (laughs) Look at her flinch. 479 00:15:37,781 --> 00:15:38,880 - This is good. - So scared. 480 00:15:38,915 --> 00:15:39,981 Shakey-shakey. 481 00:15:40,016 --> 00:15:41,149 I literally have not moved. 482 00:15:41,184 --> 00:15:43,317 I'm so not worried about you. 483 00:15:43,791 --> 00:15:46,225 (panting) 484 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,290 You want to go take a nap now? 485 00:15:49,325 --> 00:15:51,586 Stop! I can't listen to the two people 486 00:15:51,611 --> 00:15:53,913 I love most in this world fight like this. 487 00:15:54,864 --> 00:15:55,930 Sorry, Winston. 488 00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:58,133 Huh? What'd he say? 489 00:15:59,268 --> 00:16:00,435 (door slams) 490 00:16:00,470 --> 00:16:01,636 (thud) 491 00:16:05,275 --> 00:16:07,308 Oh, no. 492 00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:13,614 Schmidt, what did you do? 493 00:16:14,884 --> 00:16:15,983 So, you are all 494 00:16:16,019 --> 00:16:17,518 serving on this jury. 495 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,189 This is a capital case 496 00:16:21,224 --> 00:16:23,167 and will last upwards of a month, 497 00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:24,792 and due to media exposure, 498 00:16:24,828 --> 00:16:27,161 you will have to be sequestered. 499 00:16:27,197 --> 00:16:29,993 So go home, pack a bag, 500 00:16:30,018 --> 00:16:31,183 do not e-mail me. 501 00:16:31,208 --> 00:16:32,784 The answer is yes. 502 00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:35,454 Your hotel does have a pool, 503 00:16:35,872 --> 00:16:40,108 but is otherwise aggressively mediocre. 504 00:16:42,245 --> 00:16:43,678 There, I banged the thing. 505 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,067 Okay. 506 00:16:49,435 --> 00:16:50,567 I need a stapler. 507 00:16:51,059 --> 00:16:52,239 You stay. 508 00:16:54,864 --> 00:16:55,667 Hey. 509 00:16:55,692 --> 00:16:56,907 Hey. 510 00:16:56,943 --> 00:16:58,442 So here we are. 511 00:17:01,005 --> 00:17:02,365 All right, Nick, I'll sign it. 512 00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:04,074 I don't want to hurt Schmidt, 513 00:17:04,099 --> 00:17:05,331 and right now, he's probably just 514 00:17:05,356 --> 00:17:07,167 crying his eyes out at the... 515 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,036 BOTH: Denim bar. 516 00:17:08,071 --> 00:17:10,472 (crying) 517 00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,240 I really appreciate you keeping 518 00:17:12,276 --> 00:17:13,872 the store open for me late, Maurice. 519 00:17:14,811 --> 00:17:16,478 That denim bar is like his temple. 520 00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,980 He legitimately wants us to get married there. 521 00:17:19,016 --> 00:17:20,382 - At a denim bar? - Yeah. 522 00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:22,184 Look, Schmidt and I are not gonna work 523 00:17:22,219 --> 00:17:23,752 if you and I can't get along. 524 00:17:23,787 --> 00:17:24,886 Because... 525 00:17:25,192 --> 00:17:26,922 you're Schmidt's family. 526 00:17:26,957 --> 00:17:28,089 In a way, 527 00:17:28,125 --> 00:17:29,457 it's like we're engaged. 528 00:17:29,493 --> 00:17:30,492 You're not my type. 529 00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:33,011 I like them crazier and... 530 00:17:33,036 --> 00:17:34,736 and sexually very prude. 531 00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:36,798 - Oh. - You just don't fit the bill. 532 00:17:36,981 --> 00:17:38,733 Look, you don't have to sign this thing. 533 00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,802 It's stupid. 534 00:17:40,837 --> 00:17:42,270 The last page is just 535 00:17:42,306 --> 00:17:44,724 obscene drawings of cartoon princesses. 536 00:17:44,749 --> 00:17:46,325 I saw them; you're very talented. 537 00:17:46,341 --> 00:17:47,840 Thanks. What they're doing is disgusting, 538 00:17:47,876 --> 00:17:49,342 but I think the drawings are nice. 539 00:17:49,377 --> 00:17:50,739 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. 540 00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:53,197 Look, if I'm being honest, 541 00:17:54,442 --> 00:17:57,383 yeah, I feel a little jealous. 542 00:17:58,192 --> 00:17:59,585 You know, Schmidt and I used to hang out 543 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,521 all the time, and now we don't, 544 00:18:02,224 --> 00:18:03,294 and it's weird. 545 00:18:03,513 --> 00:18:05,758 I mean, to be honest, I think I was a little... 546 00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:06,926 jealous, too. 547 00:18:06,962 --> 00:18:08,828 - Of me? - In a way, 548 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,464 you're always gonna know him a little bit better than me. 549 00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:15,735 - Except physically. - You'd be surprised. 550 00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:19,559 Hey. 551 00:18:19,638 --> 00:18:21,699 Schmidt, relax. 552 00:18:21,724 --> 00:18:22,730 - We're good. - Yeah. 553 00:18:22,755 --> 00:18:24,844 - We talked, and everything's okay. - Yeah. 554 00:18:26,114 --> 00:18:27,363 - Thank God. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 555 00:18:27,388 --> 00:18:28,881 - Hey, easy, all right. Okay. - Okay, there he is. 556 00:18:29,841 --> 00:18:30,687 Everybody's... 557 00:18:30,712 --> 00:18:32,445 Whoa, mother, I'm right here. 558 00:18:33,849 --> 00:18:34,886 Hey. 559 00:18:35,771 --> 00:18:36,804 Are you hugging them 560 00:18:36,839 --> 00:18:37,872 while they're making out? 561 00:18:37,907 --> 00:18:39,240 Yes, uh, that is weird. 562 00:18:39,275 --> 00:18:41,041 Thank you for saying that. Please let go of me. 563 00:18:41,077 --> 00:18:42,776 I'm not interested in this. Let go of me. 564 00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:44,775 Did that wall fall down? 565 00:18:44,811 --> 00:18:46,177 Just please don't leave again. 566 00:18:46,630 --> 00:18:48,746 Yeah, about that. 567 00:18:50,224 --> 00:18:52,995 Well... this is it. 568 00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:53,885 Since you won't be able 569 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,019 to contact me for a month, 570 00:18:55,054 --> 00:18:56,683 I've left a complementary bowl 571 00:18:56,708 --> 00:18:59,136 of advice. For instance, um, 572 00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:01,025 "Nick, stop doing that." 573 00:19:01,388 --> 00:19:03,461 (chuckles) Just applies to everything. 574 00:19:03,496 --> 00:19:04,862 That's what's up. That's what's up. 575 00:19:04,898 --> 00:19:06,063 E'r'day, e'r'day. 576 00:19:06,099 --> 00:19:07,554 Nick, stop doing that. 577 00:19:07,579 --> 00:19:08,745 NICK: That's what's up. 578 00:19:10,091 --> 00:19:11,035 (sighs) 579 00:19:11,070 --> 00:19:12,638 It's gonna be a long month. I'm gonna pace myself. 580 00:19:12,663 --> 00:19:13,938 I'm gonna miss you. 581 00:19:13,973 --> 00:19:15,706 (laughs) 582 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:17,208 Don't worry. 583 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,609 I'm gonna keep them in line for you. 584 00:19:18,645 --> 00:19:19,833 No, you can't hit them. 585 00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:21,546 Even if it's for their benefit? 586 00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:22,958 - Yeah. - Okay. 587 00:19:22,983 --> 00:19:24,289 I got you a little something. 588 00:19:24,984 --> 00:19:26,291 It's just to trade with. 589 00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:28,386 It's currency in there. I don't know. 590 00:19:28,421 --> 00:19:30,527 Oh, that's so sweet, Nick. 591 00:19:30,552 --> 00:19:33,324 Um, but you know I'm not going to prison, right? 592 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:35,159 As long as you're free right here, you're never in prison. 593 00:19:35,195 --> 00:19:36,460 I bought you this burner 594 00:19:36,496 --> 00:19:38,386 from an unmarked storefront in Koreatown. 595 00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,430 I believe it's small enough 596 00:19:39,465 --> 00:19:40,831 to conceal in the waistband of your underpants. 597 00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:42,099 Oh, thank you, but... 598 00:19:42,135 --> 00:19:43,925 It's four walls. They can't hold you, though. 599 00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,102 Make friends with big ladies. 600 00:19:45,138 --> 00:19:46,137 Keep your head up. 601 00:19:46,172 --> 00:19:47,638 (chuckles) Okay. 602 00:19:47,674 --> 00:19:49,640 Make sure to put, uh, toilet tissue down on the toilet seat. 603 00:19:49,676 --> 00:19:50,794 - Never sleep. - Thanks. 604 00:19:50,819 --> 00:19:53,087 Make your toothbrush into a shiv. Everything's a weapon. 605 00:19:53,112 --> 00:19:56,080 See, hate put you in there, but love gonna bust you out. 606 00:19:56,115 --> 00:19:58,049 Don't be afraid to put two layers of toilet tissue down. 607 00:20:10,797 --> 00:20:12,029 (laughter) SCHMIDT: Let's do it. 608 00:20:12,065 --> 00:20:14,165 Let's get into this and see what sage wisdom 609 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,633 Jess has for us. 610 00:20:15,668 --> 00:20:16,701 "No biting." 611 00:20:16,736 --> 00:20:17,735 That's a reminder for me. 612 00:20:17,770 --> 00:20:18,736 - Mm-hmm. - Wow. 613 00:20:18,771 --> 00:20:20,536 Ew, "No more poop pranks"? 614 00:20:20,561 --> 00:20:22,184 Oh, yeah, those get out of hand quickly. 615 00:20:22,193 --> 00:20:23,759 That was a disgusting February. 616 00:20:23,794 --> 00:20:27,324 "If the shish kebob falls before I come back, Nick wins. 617 00:20:27,349 --> 00:20:29,269 If it falls after, Schmidt wins"? 618 00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:30,894 - Hi-ya! - Is that... Oh. 619 00:20:30,919 --> 00:20:32,370 (laughter) 620 00:20:32,395 --> 00:20:34,597 Check it out, shish kebob. Check it out, yeah. 621 00:20:34,622 --> 00:20:35,513 That's super gross. 622 00:20:35,521 --> 00:20:38,159 "Schmidt's allowed to request that you do his back 623 00:20:38,184 --> 00:20:40,464 with sunscreen once a week." 624 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:41,992 Actually, can someone do that now? 625 00:20:42,027 --> 00:20:43,067 It's nighttime. 626 00:20:43,092 --> 00:20:44,364 "Boys' shorts should at most 627 00:20:44,389 --> 00:20:47,527 rise six inches above the knee." 628 00:20:47,552 --> 00:20:49,574 - Yeah, but where does the knee begin? - Right... here. 629 00:20:49,599 --> 00:20:51,714 You know, she never specifies where the knee should begin. 630 00:20:51,739 --> 00:20:52,745 That's your knee, okay? 631 00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:53,871 - This is the knee? - Yes. - Yes. 632 00:20:53,906 --> 00:20:56,006 - "Stop harassing Beck." - Absolutely not. 633 00:20:56,041 --> 00:20:57,207 He cut you off on the freeway. 634 00:20:57,243 --> 00:20:58,442 - That's for you? - Yeah. 635 00:20:58,477 --> 00:21:00,244 CECE: Yeah, makes sense. 636 00:21:00,269 --> 00:21:02,638 "Tell Schmidt not to sing 'Rent' in the shower. 637 00:21:02,663 --> 00:21:03,870 We're in a drought." 638 00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:07,956 Five thousand, 2,500, 600 minutes 639 00:21:07,981 --> 00:21:09,620 - Okay. - WINSTON: Those aren't the words. 640 00:21:09,655 --> 00:21:10,954 "Stop reading this 641 00:21:10,990 --> 00:21:13,855 within the first three hours of my absence." 642 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,564 - Whoa. - Holy mackerel. 643 00:21:15,589 --> 00:21:16,955 How did she know? 644 00:21:18,053 --> 00:21:20,817 "Because I know everything." 645 00:21:21,356 --> 00:21:23,451 - That's super scary, right? - Is she still here? 646 00:21:23,476 --> 00:21:24,909 (laughs) I'm just messing with you. 647 00:21:24,944 --> 00:21:26,292 It says "Smile more." 648 00:21:26,316 --> 00:21:27,239 Oh, that's... 649 00:21:27,264 --> 00:21:28,481 - Oh - Yes! 650 00:21:28,505 --> 00:21:29,661 - Damn it. - Yes! 651 00:21:30,778 --> 00:21:32,778 You're my slave for 17 days. 652 00:21:32,802 --> 00:21:34,464 Synced and corrected by Chitorafa www.addic7ed.com 653 00:21:34,514 --> 00:21:39,064 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 46553

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