All language subtitles for Monarch Of The Glen s01e04

Hello?

What? Oh.

Sorry,
I- I was, uh,

Just driving down.

I stopped
to admire the view.

Ah, so you must have seen
the sign on the main road?

Sign?

Glenbogle Bed
and Breakfast.

Bed and Breakfast?

Times have changed
round here.

You'll be
our first guest.

If you're looking
for a room that is.

Yes, yes, I am.

Uh, Harold Xavier.

Archie MacDonald.

Archie.

I run the place, and if
there's anything you need

During your stay,
just ask.

I've put him
in the front room.

It's a bit drafty,
but at least

The ceiling's
not falling in.

- Is that dish hot?
- It's warm.

Lexie, we're trying
to run a kitchen here,

- Not a burger van.
- Here.

They're al dente, yeah?

Yes, I boiled them
for 40 minutes exactly.

- You what? Lexie-
- shut up and take it in.

Right.
Right.

( theme music playing )

Here we are.

So, you up here
on business or, uh-

Research.

This looks splendid.

Everything okay
with your room?

I hope the mattress
isn't too lumpy.

No, no, everything's fine,
thank you.

I couldn't open one
of the windows but, uh...

Really?
Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'll see to it
right away.

- No, it's no bother.
- Duncan!

The window in Mr. Xavier's room
is jammed. See to it, please.

Aye, right.
Of course.

I don't want to put you
to any trouble.

Please, it's no trouble. You must
treat this place as your home.

We try to keep things
informal around here.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Hector: Where in heaven's name

Did that woman put
my dressing gown?

- Father! - What is this female
obsession for constant cleaning?

Ah, hello there.

- Archie: You can't walk around like this.
- Like what?

- Wearing a tatty old towel.
- What? Oh.

I do beg your pardon.

That looks good. Trout,
isn't it? Excellent.

Well, I'll go and put
some clothes on then.

I, uh... I see what
you mean about informal.

Stark naked?

Apart from a sprinkling
of dandruff, yes.

It's not funny,
mother.

Maybe if you'd just
given him some notice.

Who knows what he
could have managed?

I know he dislikes this
bed and breakfast thing,

But he doesn't have to streak
through the dining room.

( Hector laughing )

Hector: Oh, MacPherson,
our so-called butler,

Decamped in '73.

Wouldn't have minded but he
ran off with all the cutlery.

We were eating
with our fingers for weeks.

Xavier: And what about
your housekeeper Miriam?

Oh, Molly.

You remember
Harold.

Mr. Xavier. I thought
you'd gone to America.

Just a flying visit.

25 years or so.

- You haven't aged a day, Mrs. MacDonald.
- Oh.

Didn't recognize him earlier.
Had a beard in those days.

Yeah, and you
wore more clothes.

And young Archie
has certainly changed.

Molly: Mr. Xavier came here years
ago to study the estate records.

- He's a genealogist.
- Watch this, watch this.

Farquharson.

Farquharson.
Farquharson of Invercald:

Finlay Mor,
standard bearer,

Fell at the battle
of Pinkie, 1547.

Francis, the "Baron Ban,"
led the clan at Culloden, 1746.

On the death of his grandson,
James Farquharson,

The title passed to
his daughter Catherine,

Who married James Ross
of Balnagowan, 1820.

Isn't that amazing? Keep him topped up
with malt, he'll carry on indefinitely.

Hector: So, what brings
you back to Glenbogle?

I've been asked to...

Trace the descendants
of a particular clan.

I was hoping to have
a look at some records,

- If that's convenient.
- 'course it's convenient.

They're conveniently
in the attic.

We'll get them down for you.
Not busy, are you, Archie?

Doesn't genealogical research
include doing your own excavations?

Nonsense. We're running
a guesthouse, Archie.

Can't have the guests
doing their backs in.

Marvelous.
Marvelous.

Records for every local
family since 1770.

Who was Miriam MacKinnon?

Miriam? Our housekeeper,
20 years ago.

Best one we ever had.

This case has got her name on it.
Shouldn't we send it on to her?

Tricky. She passed away
a few years ago.

Perhaps you should
give it to her daughter.

Who's her daughter?

What's her name? Firebrand,
lives up in the hills.

Katrina?

Katrina: Won't party
headquarters be sending out

A search team
for you soon?

I thought I might write
my report up here.

Did you?

Katrina, I know you're
cheesed off about the ball.

Because you drove a flock of
sheep through the dance floor?

- Why would that bother me? - If it got
you into trouble with the Laird, I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean
to mess up your life.

You never do,
and you always have.

I miss you.

I miss the scent
of you.

I just can't bear the thought
of you up here on your own.

Why, because without a man
my life has no purpose?

Oh, not just any man.

I'd better be
getting back.

The kids'll think I've
bunked off for the afternoon.

- I'll run you down there.
- I'm fine.

If you get bored,
there's the washing up.

Duncan: There's more to
your man than meets the eye.

Wish I could say
the same for you.

That's no way to speak
to a duke, Lexie.

Have you been out
in the sun again, pet?

That man Xavier, he's looking for
an heir to the Ballantine estate.

I saw his papers
upstairs.

Archie: And you just accidentally
happened to read them?

I asked you to fix his window,
Duncan, not turn his room over.

I couldn't help it. I
saw the name. Ballantine.

That's
my granny's name.

Oh, so that makes you Duke
of the Highlands, I suppose?

Maybe.

Eventually.

Before you head off
to the palace,

Could I have the keys to
the Land Rover, please?

They're in his other cloak.
The one with the ermine collar.

- She needs new plugs, but you should be okay.
- Cheers.

I suppose from now on you'll
be traveling in a sedan chair,

Borne by comely
and compliant maidens.

You volunteering?

You need to lose
some weight first.

Starting off
with that fat head.

Oh, go ahead, mock.

Don't worry, I will.

Man #1: I've got every
right to them kids!

Man #2: You've no right to this at all!

- What do you mean "you"?
- You're a scabby old swindler!

You're the thief,
ripping off my ideas!

Archie. Mr. Pearce, Mr. Johnston.

- We're here to see Hector.
- I'm in charge now. What's the problem?

- His goat raped my stock- - He's
trying to cheat me out of my kids!

- Right, one at a time.
- I keep goats.

There's no money in mutton
or wool these days.

- So my idea was to try goats' milk.
- Your idea?!

- Aye, and you ripped it off!
- Gentlemen.

So, Mr. Original here,
buys hisself a billy.

And last autumn he lets
it loose in my field.

- It escaped!
- Covered six of my ewes.

And now he
wants the kids.

So his goat ran off and sired
six kids in your flock?

- Aye, and half of them are mine.
- Over my dead body!

- Suits me!
- This is ludicrous. Just take it to court.

To court?

Aye and get fleeced by a bunch
of lawyers? I don't think so.

We're here for the judgment of
the Laird. It's our ancient right.

I may be the Laird, but I know nothing about
goat farming, and I don't intend to learn.

Now, please, just take
this dispute somewhere else.

Somewhere else?

- Well, what was I supposed to do?
- Who knows?

Those two have always
fought like rats in a sack.

You think I'm shirking
my responsibilities.

You won't get rid
of them that easily.

I'm sorry,
you're in my light.

Oh, right.

Beg pardon.

Can I help you
with something?

It's just that...
My name's Ballantine.

My granny's is,
I mean. Was.

Really?

Jenny Ballantine.

She won't be
in that book.

And why should that be
of any significance?

Well, I glimpsed
your papers upstairs,

A- about the legacy.

My research is supposed
to be confidential.

No, there's no need to worry
about that. My lips are sealed.

It's just that... I thought
I could save you some trouble.

I could get her birth
certificate, my gran's.

By itself that wouldn't
prove anything.

No, honest, she was
definitely my granny.

No, no.

It's just that with
a bequest of this nature,

I would have to correlate it
with other records.

Ah, I see.

Right.

Uh...

What sort of
bequest is it,

Exactly?

Where was she from?

Your granny.

Paisley.

Inverness,
originally.

Go on.

Hi. Oh.

I was looking
for Katrina.

She's still at work.

Were you planning
to move in?

- It's for her, actually.
- You can leave it with me.

I'd rather give it to her
myself if you don't mind.

Then you'd
better come in.

Archie: I thought you'd
gone back to Edinburgh.

I meant to, but the poor girl's
desperate for intelligent company.

Yeah, she must be.

It must be pretty
cramped in here

With the two of you.

It is pretty cozy, yes.

But we're used to it.

Can't all live in
a 20 bedroom mansion.

They're a bit overrated.

Yes, I know.

Lugging your own
suitcase?

I suppose you can't get
the staff these days.

I just flogged my valet and
can't do a thing with him.

Katrina: Hello.

- Hi.
- Hello, love.

Who's going to put
the kettle on?

I will. I doubt the Laird
knows his way around a kitchen.

We found this
in the attic.

I think it belonged
to your mother.

That's her
handwriting.

I don't know how it
ended up in Glenbogle.

It'll have to be mugs, I'm
afraid. We're out of Wedgewood.

Not for me, thanks,
I'm not stopping.

Fine. It's more for us.

Archie,
don't mind him.

What's to mind?
See ya.

( door slams )

Does the Laird disapprove
of cohabitation?

Who said anything
about cohabitation?

He might've jumped
to the wrong conclusions.

Did he jump
or was he pushed?

Yes, yes, his granny
was a Ballantine all right.

Her first husband
was killed at Dunkirk,

Just a few weeks
after the wedding.

Married again in '42,
Alex McKay was his name.

- A cousin of my father's actually.
- You mean we're related?

Around here
everyone's related, son.

But it's not something to boast
about, if you know what I mean.

- This is splendid. - Anything else
you need to know, just say the word.

No, thank you. No, no, this
is plenty to be going on with,

But I think I need another
look at the baptismal records.

Anyway, thanks again.

I won't forget this,
when I come into my inheritance.

I think you need to wait
to be crowned first

Before you start
dispensing knighthoods.

July, 1972.

They couldn't
even have a picnic

Without staff waiting
on them hand and foot.

Was pretty, your mom.

Where's your father?

My father didn't
work on the estate.

My mother married him
after she left.

- She kept a diary.
- Alan, leave it, please.

What shabby little scandals
went on below the stairs?

"Saw H. today for the last
time, up at the big house.

Tried to tell him
I was carrying his-

But Molly came in. "

Good grief, Katrina.

My mother had an affair while
she was working at Glenbogle.

She became pregnant
with me and then left.

And then she
married my father.

My dad.

"H. at the big house,"
who's H.?

Who do you think?

Now...

This is the interesting bit,
you see?

Now where did
I put it?

I don't know how you find
anything in this mess.

By using a cunning filing system
of my own invention.

Don't tell me,
it's all up here.

Ha, no, no. Nothing so
old-fashioned, my boy.

All filed in order
of amount of dust gathered.

Yes, this is it. This is
what I wanted to show Xavier.

The Glenbogle MacDonalds.
They're all here,

From the infamous Red Fergus,
right down to the present day.

Excuse me.

I think there might be
one name missing.

Remarkable. I had no idea
your mother kept a journal.

Katrina: It wasn't her
writing skills that struck me.

I always wondered why
she left so abruptly.

I suppose that
explains it.

- Hector.
- If you'll excuse me?

Welcome.
Welcome to the family, dear.

We must all celebrate.

Excuse me.

Mother, wait. I'm sure
there's an explanation.

I'm sure there is, but I
don't think I want to hear it.

Look, I'm sorry.

To have a black sheep
in the family?

Hector's the black sheep, not me.

You've got every right
to be angry.

I haven't even got to angry
yet. I'm still in shock.

- You realize what this means?
- Yeah.

That my parents lied
to me all my life.

You've got a brother.

Great.
Just what I needed.

- And I've got another sister.
- And that bothers you, does it?

Yes-
well, no, I mean...

It was bad enough
being an orphan,

But I'd rather be an orphan
than the daughter of a Laird.

I shouldn't be doing this.
A man of my position.

Listen, son, Archie's the
Laird. He scrubs out the toilets.

Aye,
but Archie's skint.

Of course, I was forgetting,
you're heir to a fortune.

Why do you think your
man's being so secretive?

I'll have gold diggers
and debutantes

And all sorts
chasing after me.

- A terrifying prospect all right.
- Aye. The thing is,

I'd rather have a girl
who loves me for myself.

There's a big lunatic asylum
just outside Fort William.

I was thinking of
somewhere closer to home.

Like the big house,
you mean?

Only I'm a bit skint-
pending the settlement.

Duncan.

A man in possession
of a fortune,

Must be in want
of a wife.

Thanks-
you'll get it back.

First rule of nobility:

Never pay your debts.

Look on the bright side-

At least you didn't inherit
their looks.

- Do you think this is funny?
- Of course not.

I'm just trying
to cheer you up.

I think maybe you should
go back to Edinburgh.

- You need a friend right now.
- Aye, I do.

Someone to give you
objective advice.

What do you advise?

Look... You're entitled
to certain things.

Public acknowledgement
for one.

Do you think I want everyone
to know about this?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but won't
it be all over the village by now?

That's it.
I'm moving out.

You're not running
away from this.

Look, that family treated
your mother like dirt.

Now's your chance
to make them pay.

A simple yes
or no, Hector.

Even you could
manage that.

Good god,
it was 25 years ago.

I know it's terribly
vulgar of me to care

If my husband sleeps
with the staff,

But for some absurd
reason, I do.

So, how many others
were there?

Or does a gentleman
not like to boast?

I'm not having
this discussion.

We are having
this discussion.

There is nothing to discuss.
What a man does or doesn't do

In his own house
is his own business.

If you want to torture
yourself, go ahead.

I won't torture myself, that's always
been your job, and you excel at it.

( doorbell ringing )

You see this?
You see it?

It's attempted
murder.

Try it again and you can
have the other barrel,

You thieving beggar.

Enough. That's enough. I told
you to take this somewhere else.

You call that justice?

You call yourself
a Laird?

Ah, you're no son
of Hector MacDonald.

Right, that's it.

You want me
to intervene, I will.

Those goats are hereby
wards of the Laird.

What?

You don't try
to seize them,

And you don't try to dispose of them
without reference to me. Satisfied?

How long
does that go on for?

Until I say otherwise,

Or until you sort it out
between yourselves. Goodbye.

Where are
you going?

- Going to stay with friends in London.
- Mother.

I am not just an
appendage to your father.

I never thought
you were.

Neither did I,

Till today.

Do you realize
that's 300 years old?

- Sorry, Archie, I was just-
- practicing, yeah.

You'll find it a bit different
from modern nobility.

Here.

Chin down.

Not so square
in the shoulders.

Frown.

Yeah, that's it.

All you need now is
the chronic overdraft,

The divorced parents,
and you're there.

I suppose it's
your friend Geordie?

- I beg your pardon?
- That you're running off to.

You've got a bloody
nerve, MacDonald.

This business
was so long ago.

We are not discussing
vintage port.

Lies don't improve
with age.

I've never lied to you.

Damn it, I'm not
that woman's father.

I've no idea what those
journals were referring to.

MacKinnon was
probably deranged.

Thank you, Hector.

And now let's hope
that's the end of the matter.

But, where are
you going?

Too little, too late.

Too-?

What more do you
want from me?

Stupid woman.

- Is everything all right?
- It's fine.

I hope I haven't been
the cause of any discord.

Oh, no, no, no. Please,
it's nothing to do with you.

Just a- just a bit
of local genealogy.

Hmm. Well, it's not always
a dry academic exercise...

Unfortunately.

It's good of you to see us
at such short notice.

Katrina is a neighbor.
She's always welcome.

She's a bit more than a
neighbor now, isn't she?

Please, come through.

Katrina has arranged to
get a blood sample taken.

She was hoping Hector
might provide one as well.

I'm sorry, I really
don't think that-

It's as much for your benefit as ours.

"Ours?"

I'd just like to know
for sure, Archie.

So would I.

But I'm not gonna ask him
right now, he's too upset.

Well, I'm sorry
to hear that,

But his troubles are
of his own making.

Alan, I know you're
trying to help,

But it's not working.

We really don't want
to go to court over this.

You are not getting
a blood sample from my father,

It's out of the question.

- Fine.
- I'll give you one.

If I'm Katrina's brother,
the tests should prove it.

They might.

I'll look into it.

Alan, could you
give us a minute?

I don't think
you should-

Thanks, Alan.

I suppose if you want blood,
you need a leech.

I'm sorry,

But he's got a point.
We need to know.

Katrina, if you want
to be part of this family,

Nobody's gonna
fight about it.

Maybe I'll see you
at the doctor's, okay?

I thought you'd gone
to the House of Lords.

Been down at my folks'
place looking for this.

Granny's birth
certificate.

Proving my claim
to the title.

All I need now is
the coat of arms.

And what'll that be?

Crossed wellies
in a field of neeps?

You do realize you'll have
to curtsy to me every morning?

- Says who?
- It's etiquette.

Could settle
for a small bow,

- But you'd still have to call me "sir. "
- In your dreams, boy.

Of course, if we were man and
wife, you could just call me Duncan.

No, I think "sir" has
a nice ring to it.

I've got something
for you.

What's this?

The Ballantine
family jewels?

Used to belong
to a millionaire.

Gerald Ratner.

Duncan.

Will you be
my duchess, Lexie?

Duncan, I can't.

Why not?

The thing is, um...

You being a duke,

And- and me being
a housekeeper-

It just wouldn't work.

Look at Hector.

- But- but you'd-
- holy-!

( bleating )

Lexie:
Archie!

Duncan:
Come here!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

( bleating )

Lexie:
Shut the gate, Archie.

What the hell are you doing
dumping those animals here?

Apparently they're
the wards of the Laird.

You call yourself the Laird.
You can feed them.

Archie: They're destroying our garden.

Mr. Johnston!

You go this way.

Lexie:
Duncan.

Come on, come on.
That's it.

Another normal day
at Glenbogle then?

Where's your friend?

Alan wouldn't be
much help.

He's a bit scared
of farm animals.

In that case,
I'll order some more.

Are you here
about the blood tests?

Blood tests'll take weeks.

I can't wait that long.

One, two, three...

Four, five.

Duncan, where
are you going?

- Hang on, hang on.
- Duncan?

Oh. Ah!

( bleats )

Oh, no!

Could you take
a look at this?

Ah, this takes me back.

When was this? '72.

Katrina:
Where was it taken?

St. Michael's Island.

It's an old chapel
just outside Inverness.

Didn't Miriam
look good?

She had an old friend
they used to visit up there.

Joan McBride
was her name.

And do you think
she would know?

Could give her a ring.

Thanks, Golly.

You're welcome, lass.

Good luck.

- Any chance of a lift?
- Hmm?

I can't do this
by phone.

Archie:
It's the isolation.

Same with all
these farmers up here.

They wander
the hills all day

With no one to talk to
but the animals,

And every niggle gets blown
up into some Sicilian vendetta

They want me
to it sort out.

You volunteered
to be Laird.

I didn't volunteer.

Nobody's making you
stick at it.

I owe it to my family.

Very selfless of you.

I suppose you
can't bear

All those tenants
doffing their caps.

I haven't noticed anyone
doffing anything, actually.

You needn't look so smug.
If you're a MacDonald,

You'll have to share
the duties of the Laird.

- I don't want them.
- Tell that to these guys.

( engine knocking )

Archie...

Why are you stopping?

I'm not stopping.
The car's stopping.

( engine cranks )

( engine cranks again )

( sighs )

Well?

Well, this is
definitely the engine.

Don't you know
anything about cars?

Almost as much as I do
about goat breeding.

It's only 8:00. I'll head
back to the nearest village.

That's nearly
10 miles.

Forget it, Archie.

( sighs )

Did you bring
your toothbrush?

Ah, someone's bound
to come along soon.

I hope so.

I've got school
on Monday.

Why don't you crash
in the back?

Duncan's got
a mattress in there,

In case he gets
lucky at a rave.

- And what about you?
- I'll be all right.

Don't be daft.

Come on.

Shall I bring up
another crate?

What do women want
from men, Lexie?

Money,

Security,
um, respect.

A nice, tight bum.

Sorry, did you want those
in order of preference?

Does fidelity
appear on the list?

Honesty's in there
somewhere.

You've never been
married, have you?

You got well steamed
when you thought Molly

Was fooling around
with that bookie.

Oh, really, there's no
comparison. The man's an oik.

And I suppose
this housekeeper

Was a baroness
on work experience?

I should have known better
than to ask the cook.

Aye. Well,

Here's another tip
from the kitchen:

What's sauce for the goose is
sauce for the scrawny old gander.

( sighs )

Katrina: Is it too late to do all
those brother and sister things?

- What, like camping out?
- And arguing.

And slagging each
other's friends off?

- Like who?
- Like Alan.

How did you end up
with such a creep?

He's not that bad.

And I haven't
ended up with him.

- Really? But I thought
you were- - what?

What's it
to you anyway?

I'm your brother,

I'm supposed
to look out for you.

That'll be nice.

Good night, bro'.

Good night, sis.

Can you move
your elbow?

Ow! Damn it.

( deep sigh )

Try now.

( engine starts )

Okay.
That's her.

So when was the last time
you changed those plugs?

Uh... Never.

I'm not surprised
she broke down.

But then again...

Maybe you aren't
either, eh?

Did you find her?

Joan McBride died
two years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Looks like you've had
a wasted journey.

It was the only
photograph she kept.

It must have meant
a lot to her.

Come on.

Where?

Over there.

You can't just
take a boat.

I'm a Laird.
All my ancestors

Were pirates and thieves,
apparently. Are you coming?

Yeah, all right.

Katrina:
Once you've seen me,

You'll understand
I'm a better rower.

It looks like
we're not alone.

The island
of lost souls.

( camera clicks )

- Mr. Xavier.
- Archie.

You're a long way
from home.

Morning.

Ah, oh, ah...

Crest of the McBrides.

You'll note
the baton sinister.

Fifth earl came from
the wrong side of the blanket.

Is this something to do
with Duncan's claim?

No, that's all sorted.

No, this is more
personal history.

Oh, sorry, this is
Katrina Finlay.

- Ah.
- Mr. Xavier's a genealogist.

Katrina's doing
some research of her own.

Only we haven't got
much to go on.

Apart from...
This photo.

- Oh, may I?
- That's my mother.

We think she had an affair
with Hector MacDonald.

We came here
looking for proof,

Only there's not much you
can tell from a photo.

On the contrary,

You can tell
a great deal.

Your mother's
not smiling at Hector.

She's smiling at the man
taking the picture.

See?

- So who took the photo?
- I did.

27 years ago.

You're...
Miriam's daughter?

I didn't catch
your name?

Harold Xavier.

She used
to call me "H."

It started
with a look,

A touch, as we...

Passed in
the hallway.

It was intense.

It- it was
extraordinary and...

It was insane.

It couldn't last.

I- I never dreamed
that she was...

( deep sigh )

If it means anything,

There hasn't been a day
when I've not thought of her-

For what might have been.

I- I met
your father once.

He was a good man.

Don't suppose you'd...

Need another?

It's just that I'd...

Like to make amends.

I don't need
another father, no.

But I'm a bit short
of uncles.

You must be relieved.

To find out that I'm a product
of a passionate affair

And not the Laird's
bastard offspring?

- What do you think?
- I think it's great. Life's tangled enough.

Without anyone threatening
your inheritance, you mean?

You're also relieved because now
you can climb back on your pedestal.

My pedestal?

And preach about how the
land belongs to the people,

And how I'm corrupt and
elitist and exploitative.

You left out
arrogant and smug.

I'm glad
I'm not your sister.

Hear, hear, if it means we don't
have to go camping together.

( engine knocking )

Archie.

You can have
the back this time.

Don't be daft. Y
- you have it. I'll stay here.

( engine cranks )

( engine starts )

- What a relief.
- Yeah, certainly is.

- Duncan: What am I gonna do?
- There's only one thing you can do.

Find out which goat it was, and
follow it round with a shovel.

- Huh?
- Or else you could just come clean.

Good morning,
gentlemen.

You'll be
pleased to know

That I have
completed my research.

I- I can get
another copy.

Pardon?

The birth certificate
- it got damaged.

There was an incident
with some livestock.

He means
a goat ate it.

Duncan, I don't
need to see it.

I have verified
the claim.

Yes! Do you hear that?

And I am delighted
to name you, Golly Mackenzie,

As the rightful heir
to the Ballantine legacy.

- Golly?
- You pointed out yourself, you are related.

He's the elder
surviving male.

The terms
of the bequest state-

To hell with the terms.

Where's the doc-
where's the proof?

Thanks to the information
you gave me,

The bequest is
no longer in doubt.

A lock of hair?

From the head
of Bonnie Prince Charlie.

Duncan: That's it? That's the legacy?

Along with the honor of
belonging to the Ballantine clan.

Oh, big deal, pal.

And of course,
the money.

Eh, money?

Yes. The deed
of 1804 allows

For a grant of �30.

And- and how much would
that be worth today?

Exactly...

�30.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll
excuse me, gentlemen,

I am having lunch
with my niece.

- Good day.
- Good day.

Here.
Seeing as how you've

Pulled out
most of your own.

What about the m-
half of that's mine.

I'll take it out
of what you owe me.

There's no rush.

I'm gonna have
to tell Lexie that-

Lexie- Lexie!

I'm not a duke!

Lexie!

Why didn't MacDonald
just tell you?

Why did he put you
through all that anguish?

You've got a case
against him

For mental cruelty,
surely.

I don't have a case.
I'm not interested.

Archie put you up
to this.

Contrary to what
you seem to believe,

I do have
a mind of my own.

Fine, fine.
It's just that-

What?

It was only a bit
of groundwork, that's all.

What was?
What have you done?

- I spoke to McClintock.
- The journalist?!

It was deep background,
off the record.

You know
what that means!

It means my picture all
over the Sunday tabloids:

"spurned love child
of lusty Laird. "

You've got to admit
it has a certain ring to it.

- Phone him. Now!
- It's not too late to-

Gordon?

It's Alan.
Alan Smythe.

About that story...

Yes.

Great.

There's just
one minor detail.

It was a hoax.

What can
I tell you?

I know.

I'm disgusted.

Molly.

What am I going
to do with you?

Oh, I- I know it was
silly of me, but...

I never thought a gentleman
discussed that sort of thing.

Not even
with his wife?

Especially
with his wife.

I was embarrassed,
I suppose.

That you hadn't
had an affair?

I mean, the Laird
is supposed to-

It's part
of his duties.

Ordering the estate,
administering justice,

Tupping the housemaids.

Only I never
felt inclined.

You're just
an old fraud.

Well, the thing is I-

I've never loved
anyone but you.

It's pathetic,
isn't it?

You're, uh, supposed
to kiss me at this point.

Aah!

Are you deaf?
I said kiss.

I heard what you said.

Ooh!

They've had half the shrubs, all
the roses and your dress shirt.

They're not goats,
they're locusts.

What the hell am I
supposed to do with them?

That will take
the judgment of Solomon.

Come on.

Thank you for coming,
gentlemen. I wanted to-

It's well for you, laddie.
I've got a farm to run.

Golly: You do not interrupt
the Laird when he's speaking.

Mr. Pearce... You were not asked to sit.

Hold on a wee minute-

Hats off
in the Laird's presence.

As you know, I wanted you
to take this to a proper court,

But it seems you've
given me no choice.

So with the greatest
reluctance,

I've decided to take matters
into my own hands.

According to ancient
Highland law,

Any livestock that despoils
my garden becomes my property...

- What?
- ... To dispose of as I see fit.

I've struck a rather poor
deal with a Lebanese restaurant

In Glasgow specializing
in barbecued goat.

You're not sending
them for the slaughter?

They're worth far more
as milkers.

They're paying
me 50 quid,

And I'm keeping the lot.

Good day, gentlemen.

Now, wait.
Hold on a minute.

It's a sinful waste
to slaughter them.

He can keep them.

He can have them.

Better that than they all go to waste.

I'm sorry.
I've made my decision.

Please,
your Lairdship.

I'm sorry about
your garden.

I'll make good
the damage.

Pearce can have
the two male kids,

Johnston keeps the rest.
Take them with you now.

After this,
the matter is closed.

- Johnston: Fine.
- Oh, yeah, suits me.

Thank the Laird.

- Thank you.
- Aye, thanks.

( door closes )

Yes!

I actually
wrote a paper

On ancient Highland
laws and customs.

I never came across that one
about the grazing rights.

Oh, yes, an extremely ancient
one that I just made up.

Ah, that would
explain it.

Ah, Molly.

Thanks for
everything.

Don't leave it
so long next time.

Hector.

Everything,
uh, all right?

It's nothing, just a kick
from a temperamental mare.

Watch it or I'll
kick the other one.

Ah well, you mind
you take it easy.

So long.

Bye, Harold.

Harold:
Thank you, Archie,

It's been a revelation.

I'll see you, Harold.

Ah.

I'll write.

Oh, I forgot
to thank him

For not ennobling
the staff.

Of course.

It's bad enough dealing
with bolshie crofters,

Never mind usurpers.

Look, they asked me
to play that role.

I only gave them
what they wanted.

Aye, but you enjoyed it, didn't you?

No.

You're a good Laird,
but you're a hopeless liar.

You think
I'm a good Laird?

- No.
- That's what you said.

You're good
as Lairds go,

But the sooner they go,
the better.

- Ha! You think I'm a good Laird.
- No, I do not.

Yes, you do.
I heard you say it.

- I don't think you're a good Laird.
- Victory for me!

( theme music playing )

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