All language subtitles for Monarch Of The Glen s01e02.eng

( ringing bell )

Ah, thank you, Lexie.

( humming )

- Anything for me?
- I fear not.

What about that?
It's from the bank, look.

Yes, but it is
addressed to me, see?

Hector M. MacDonald,
Esquire.

It must be
estate business.

I had hoped
the new world order

Might allow a chap to open
his own correspondence.

( theme music playing )

( door opens )

Hector:
Tell me, boy...

Do you count
packing suitcases

As your very
favorite hobby?

- Are you in pain?
- Archie: It's my back.

If I'm gonna stay, I'll have to
do something about that mattress,

- It's like a sack of King Edward's.
- Right.

Of course, so,
you're staying on?

Archie: No.

Well, yes.
Just for a while,

Just to straighten a
few things out. Okay?

I think so.

But, if you're staying,
why are you going?

To talk things over
with Justine and work out

How we're going to manage
the restaurant in the meantime.

I feel sorry for Justine,
but I'm glad for our sakes,

- We're both glad. Aren't we, Hector?
- ( murmurs )

I still believe the only long-term
option is to sell the place.

- Look here!
- We'll get a much better price

If we straighten out
the accounts

And start capitalizing
on some of our primary assets.

So what did he say?

That the estate needed
every asset it had,

That they couldn't
afford to give land away,

Maybe later, when he's had
a chance to think about it,

- Blah, blah, blah.
- No land, no new gymnasium.

For the time
being, anyway.

What a shame. It's just
a piece of old pasture.

I'm disappointed
in the Laird.

I wish you wouldn't
call him that.

Sometimes I think you
do it deliberately.

I'm off training.
I'll see you after break.

Has the Laird put his name
down for the hill race?

I don't know
and I don't care.

This is one race I'm going
to win without his permission.

Duncan!

I thought I was a character
in "The Godfather" there.

- Hello, Lexie.
- What are you doing?

Your very hilarious
bat impression?

Training for the race,
watch this.

I can do 50 of these.

Lexie: Plus your body's compensating

For the lack
of muscle elsewhere.

I'm not just talking
about your brain.

What's happening?

Well, he's stopping...
And he's going.

Eh?

He's going to London for a spot
of conjugal with this Justine bint,

Then he's coming back here
to sort things out.

Which probably means
giving us all the push.

Well, don't just
stand there,

His gorgeousness will be
wanting a lift.

Oh. Aye...

Duncan?

Duncan?

( starts engine )

Right.

Duncan.

Hector:
Hang on.

Off to wage war.

Give me a lift
to the front, would you?

( brakes screeching )

Thank you, men.

( birds cawing )

Drop it.

Drop it!

Turn around slowly.

Hande hoch.

Sorry, Kilwillie,
but for you the war is over.

( laughing )

( hens clucking )

See you in
a couple of weeks.

Afternoon.

Where can I
get a taxi?

- Inverness would be your best bet.
- That's rather inconvenient.

- Where are you going?
- A place called Glenbogle House.

That's where I live.

I don't actually live there,
I live in, um- never mind.

Archie MacDonald.

Any relation of one
Hector MacDonald?

Yeah, he's my father.
And you are?

Fleming.

I represent
his bank, Lascelles.

Your father's failed
to reply to my letters.

I see.

Well, maybe we can
give you a lift.

Kilwillie: Why don't we do
Waterloo? I could be Napoleon.

Or what about Agincourt?
We've never fought Agincourt.

Bows and arrows. Boring.
I want guns, cannon.

- Malplaquet?
- Nah.

- El Alamein?
- No!

Iwo Jima?

An American battle?
Please, Kilwillie.

Culloden, you can be
Bonnie Prince Charlie,

I shall be
Butcher Cumberland.

I'm always Bonnie
Prince Charlie.

That's because you're rather
corpulent and fond of the sauce.

Come, to battle.

It is a misty,
damp morning

On the desolate
moor of Culloden.

Sorry remnants of
the great Jacobite dream

Stand facing
their nemesis,

The English army.

Would you care for something
tasty on an oatcake?

It's a new line of ours.

Kilwillie's
Gentlemen's Relish.

( barking )

Oh, god!
Oh! Ow!

Archie: Don't worry,
they're very friendly.

Take no notice
of them.

It's just their way
of saying hello.

Monty, Rommel, down!
No, no, stop it.

They're perfectly friendly,
once you get to know them.

As I was saying,
there's a lot

Of interesting history
about this house, really.

My great-great-grandfather
built the place in the 1870s,

But there had been a castle
here before that.

Queen Victoria
came to stay once.

But, apparently
she caught a cold,

And had to leave
rather quickly.

My family have been
here for 400 years.

I'm sure the early chiefs
were utter rogues, but-

Mr. MacDonald, you're
obviously confusing me

With somebody who does
give a monkey's.

I'm not a tripper
or a tourist,

Or a loud American in
tartan trousers from Omaha.

I am a banker...

Who drew a very short straw, and
traveled a ridiculous distance

To conduct an even smaller
piece of business,

It seems at the cost of a very
expensive pair of Boston loafers.

Now, can you please
call your father

So we can get it
over with?

Maybe we should
go to the library?

Lexie? Lexie,
I know you're there.

Who's your friend? What's
he in such a strop for?

I want tea in the library. Two
people, nice china, bits to eat.

I presume your visit's related
to our indebtedness at the bank?

To a defaulted loan,

And a breeched
overdraft limit, yes.

Mr. Fleming, I'd like
to talk to you

About my plans
for the future.

You see,
I own the estate now.

I have to tell you
that as from Monday,

Your family's accounts
will be suspended.

The bank will then proceed
to call in the loan.

You must find the funds
to repay it,

I presume by selling
whatever assets you possess.

The estate
is all we have.

So be it.

Mr. Fleming, my mother
and father

Can't leave here.

I don't seem to be
making myself understood.

Let me put it to you
in words of one syllable:

I'm here
to close you down.

Radio: � it's more or less the
same as the things that you said �

� and anyway, for all
the things you've done �

� tell me, why does
the river not flow? �

� and anyway, for all
the things you've said �

� tell me why does
the river run red? �

� but anyway... �

That is for
the nice gentleman.

If you're hungry, get yourself
some bread and dripping.

Lexie: Here we are. Tea up.

And you must be our
very important guest.

Mr. Fleming, is it? I've got
an uncle called Fleming,

You're not from
Paisley, are you?

I live in Ealing.

W- well, West Ealing,
a- almost as far as Hanwell.

My, that sounds...
Complicated.

Yes, thank you-

You look like a man
with a big appetite,

So, I've brought you a few
things to get your teeth into,

Some pancakes,
drop scones and that.

All freshly
baked, I hope?

They were when they
left the factory.

No, all home baked.

Anyway, well,
Mr. Fleming-

Oh, heck, this is no good,
what's your first name?

- Me? - I'm not
crossed-eyed, pet.

I am looking into
your deep blue eyes.

I- I couldn't
possibly say.

Man of mystery.

I'll wheedle it out of you
one way or the other.

Anyway, I'm away
to get one of those

13 spare rooms ready for you.
One of the better ones.

One that's been slept in
in the last century-

But, I couldn't
possibly stay-

Oh, what happened
to your slip-on?

Oh, your poor wee tassle.

Let me look at it
for you.

Come on.

Trust me.

( softly )
there.

Oh dear, oh dear.

I'll tell you
what I'll do,

I'll get the estate's resident
cobbler to fix it for you.

Okay?

Now you'll have
to stay, won't you?

Who was that?

Oh, that was Lexie.

She kind of
runs the place.

Tea?

Ah.

Thanks for the game, Kilwillie,
I really enjoyed it.

Not very surprising,
you won.

Of course I did. Where would
we be if Bonnie Prince Charlie

Suddenly started winning
the battle of Culloden?

Living in a country that
had been independent

For two and a half
centuries, probably.

What an appalling
thought.

Molly:
But who is he, Archie?

Someone very powerful, mother,

Someone who could turn
us all out of here.

- What's he doing, Lexie?
- Some personal grooming.

Archie: Right. Here's
what we have to do.

We have to persuade him,
seduce him-

Oh, aye?

And who's gonna
do that, then?

Is there something
wrong with your jaw?

Make him see that this
is a place with potential,

That we can put it back on its feet,
that his bank's money is safe with us.

What do you want
us to do, then?

Do?
Yes, do. Um...

Well...

I'll make a presentation.
Yes, he'll like that,

A presentation about how
we're gonna develop the place.

Golly, you and Duncan show him
the estate, give him some sport.

Make sure he catches
something really big, okay?

But I've got my final
training for the hill race.

Mother, maybe you could
give him a tour of the house?

Or I wonder if he's
interested in gardening?

I'm desperately
in need of some help.

And you, Lexie,

Just be nice
to him, okay?

Yes, oh master.

He shall be as putty
in my windows.

Yeah, and it'll be curtains
for him if he doesn't mind out.

There, nancy-boy's shoe's
all done.

The most important thing, all of you,
is we must keep him away from my father.

From now on, we must make sure
that he's never on his own,

That he can't be got at by the old
man because that could be disastrous.

Ah, Archie.

- ( boat horn honking )
- oh, no!

Hey, you?

Yes, you!

- Take the painter.
- The what?

The rope,
you dolt!

Oh, hold on,
come on, man.

Over there, what's the matter with you?

You can let go now.

- Thanks, Kilwillie, off you go.
- Bye, old man.

Next time, I'll grind you
into the dust, at Bull Run!

One of those water
board bods, are ya?

Pardon?

What is it this time?

Measuring acid rain
or some such nonsense?

You must be
Hector MacDonald.

Sir to you.

You chaps have such
a comfy billet.

And the likes
of me pay for it.

As far as I can see, Mr.
MacDonald, you pay for very little.

What did you say?

I'll take my foot to your
tradesmen's entrance in a minute.

Father!

I don't work for the water
board, I represent your bank.

I thought it was going downhill.
Some kind of clerk, are you?

Account executive.

I have written to you
repeatedly in the last six months

Regarding your very
serious position.

- You never replied.
- Of course not.

I have learned through
bitter experience

That acknowledging the
pettifogging outpourings

Of pen-pushing
nobodies

Is unlikely to increase
the sum of human happiness.

Mine especially.

Mr. MacDonald,
you are a very rude man.

And you, sir,
are a very dull one.

- You are also drunk!
- But I shall be sober in the morning.

Anyway, it's my prerogative.
You are standing on my land!

Not for very much longer,
I'm happy to say!

Mr. Fleming, take no
notice of my father-

I'm going to my room.
I shall be obliged

If you could have a sandwich
and milk sent up to me later.

Won't you join us
for dinner?

I'll inspect your books and
accounts tomorrow morning.

We can resolve any outstanding
business shortly after that.

( laughs )
that showed him.

Doesn't do to let
these fellows

Get the upper hand,
you know, Archie.

- Are you okay, dougal?
- I wanted to give you this.

To make you
smell nice.

I hope you mean

To make me smell
even nicer.

Did you buy this
with your own money?

My mom got it
for Christmas,

But she doesn't like it.
I love you, miss.

Look, I'll do your deal.

You can have the land
for that gym thing.

Go on.

Well, the thing is, um...

What are you doing tonight?

I was gonna worm the dog,

But I guess it'll keep.

Katrina: I suppose it
was Golly who told you

I could cook books
better than a boiled egg.

No comment.

This is going
to take hours.

It's very
good of you.

As long as you keep
your side of the bargain.

I've given you the
word of a MacDonald.

Very reassuring.

Showing me
your best side, are ya?

Ooh! God.

I was just um...

Is that a pair of M &
S slacks in your hand?

Or are you just
pleased to see me?

They're wet.

I was trying to turn
the radiator on.

Lexie: Ah, yes, now the heating

Doesn't come on
till the first frost,

Or the first
of September,

Whichever
comes sooner.

Gimme. I'll sort
them for you.

I take it you're not dining with
the Addams Family tonight then?

- Definitely not.
- Shame.

You're missing out
on some rare fun.

Oh!
And thank you.

You have shone a bright light
into the dull drabness of my day.

I have?

It is no sight sweeter, more pregnant
with pathos and vulnerability,

Than a slender-legged gadgy, standing
in his wee y- fronts and socks.

Night, night.

Archie, you know,

These are just
total rubbish.

Be fair, they're probably
not as good as that.

- I'm doing my best, okay?
- I'm grateful.

You trained for this
sort of thing originally?

When I first
left university,

I went to work for
a bank in Edinburgh,

Small business advisor.

I had some great clients.
A man who gelded horses,

Two brothers who made
Italian ice cream...

And a very refined lady
from Morningside,

Who ran a personal
therapy center.

Oh, yeah?

- She offered me a job.
- Is that right?

As her business manager,
smarty pants.

And you didn't take it?

Those girls'd be earning
twice as much as me.

I'd have found
that very irritating.

Not to say tempting.

So, you became a teacher
and came back here.

What on earth
made you do that?

I just felt maybe I could make
a difference, simple as that.

Miss Jean Brodie,
you're in your prime.

Don't patronize me,
Archie MacDonald.

I'm not, I envy you.

You seem so certain,
so sure.

Do I?

I don't know what
the hell I'm doing.

So...

You're going to make a
presentation to this guy, are you?

- You toe rag!
- What?

Increased rents
on land and properties.

It's just an idea. A way we
might increase our revenue.

So far as I can see, rents
haven't gone up in years.

For a very good reason.

People couldn't
afford to pay them.

Look, it's just for this man,
Fleming, nothing definite.

You would say that,
wouldn't you?

Until you got what
you wanted from me.

What am I doing here?

I'm off.

Leave me in the lurch,
would you?

You'll survive.
Your sort always do.

My sort? Katrina-

Once a landlord,
always a landlord.

You spent too much time
with that personal therapist.

Gave you a wrong slant
on human nature.

And you can kiss goodbye
to that bit of land, too!

( water gurgles )

It's not an original.

That's in the National Gallery
in Edinburgh now.

Hector had a copy made when
he flogged the other one.

It paid for
central heating.

Sometimes I think
I'd rather be cold.

Fleming:
She's very beautiful.

Ancestor.

Died in childbirth
when she was 27.

Nightshirt okay
for you, is it?

My...

Lady Catherine's made quite an
impression on you, hasn't she?

She reminds me
of my mother.

Better get
off to bed.

Long day.

I'll say
good night, then.

Oh, it's two short pulls,
and one long one, by the way.

The lavvy.

So that's it.
All right.

I can't leave while he's here,
but I'll be down soon.

You're not
saying very much.

What's there to say?

I mean, you're taking
it very calmly.

What do you want me to do?
Get hysterical?

I wish you'd say
something.

Justine?

Maybe we should think about
hiring a temporary manager.

- No.
- Just to tide things over.

Archie, I have to cope,

While you're off doing
your Mel Gibson thing.

I'd rather I didn't,
but, hey, it's a tough world.

I'll manage in my own way,
thank you very much,

Without the benefit of your
distant and rather fatuous advice.

Maybe we should
talk about this later.

Yes. Later.
And then some more.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Men- sometimes you have
to wipe their bottoms,

Sometimes you have
to kick them.

( laughing )

( thunderclap )

( knocking on door )

Good morning.
Hope you slept well.

I heard animals
in the night.

Grunting, howling.

Probably just my father.
( laughs )

I- I brought the books.

Perhaps later, you'd like
to look around the estate,

- Maybe try some sport?
- These will take all day.

Anyway, I have the beginnings of a cold.

If there's anything
you need, please shout.

Look, I'm in
business myself,

And I know that
the accounts aren't...

All they should be.

I'm grieved
to hear it.

Well, eight seconds
down from Monday.

Are you all right?

I didn't sleep
too well last night.

Big race nerves.

You are carrying the hopes
and dreams of our gender,

The first time ever

That women have entered
the Glenbogle Hill Race.

Another nail in the
coffin of patriarchy.

Me and my big mouth.

But I've complete
faith in you, Katrina.

You go and win it, dear.

Win it for all
the sisters, yes!

( groans )

Where is
the wretched thing?

( laughing )

Everything all right?

Oh, yes. Fine.

( muffled chuckle )

( laughing )

The main course'll
be very simple.

Salmon, fresh out
of the river,

And new potatoes
from Golly's garden,

In a plain,
white sauce.

Is it disaster proof?

And what's that
supposed to mean?

I mean it, Lexie,
no funny business.

Our future is
in this man's hands.

Yoo-hoo. Would the
fair lady of the kitchen

Allow me
to enter her domain?

Come away in.

You can enter my domain
any time you like.

Just returning
the tea things.

I have to say, Lexie, when it
comes to scones, you are an artist.

Thanks. You'll be
staying to dinner then?

How can I refuse? I was
wondering, my trousers?

Oh.

Cleaned
and pressed.

Thank you.

The crease,
a thing of beauty.

Oh, why, thank you,
kind sir.

It's nice
to be appreciated.

- Have you told him, mother?
- Yes.

- And he knows what's expected?
- Of course.

Will he
behave himself?

Look, I found it.

Okay, okay.

Ah, good evening.
I hope you're hungry.

( groaning )

This is delicious.
What is it?

Nettle and
raspberry soup

With a sprinkling
of Orkney cheese.

Oh, will I get stung?

( forced laugh )

You said it, pal.

I'd quite like some of
the pattern left on that...

If you don't mind.

- Enjoy that, did you, Hector?
- It smells of wet dog.

- And I love you, too.
- ( Fleming chuckles )

Isn't she wonderful?

Feisty, witty, a brilliant
cook, but tasty herself.

( laughing, snorts )

Anyway, you were saying
about the books?

The boo-?
The books, yes.

Yes, well,
they're very good.

They convey a very accurate
picture of the enterprise.

Yes, I was rather
afraid of that.

Which is, if the Glenbogle
estate were a wet dog-

To take your analogy,
Mr. MacDonald-

The most humane course
of action would be

To rub it down with an old towel
and shoot the mutt.

( laughing )

- How's it going?
- All right.

These are
for Molly and Hector.

You get the others.

Which one's his?
The gowk in the suit?

That one there.
The biggest portion.

Right.

I'll give you tasty.

Pinstriped prat.

Archie: Look, I can't disagree with you.

I run my
own business.

Did I
mention that?

And I know that
this estate

Hasn't been run
on very professional lines.

That's all right,
don't mind me.

Just pretend
I don't exist.

Archie:
But the thing is,

I believe there is something
here worth fighting for.

Salmon.

Caught this morning
from the River Bogle,

Lightly poached
with a plain white sauce.

Lovely.

Sorry, you were saying?

I- we have great plans
for developing Glenbogle.

For giving it life,
making it prosper.

But how could you possibly
generate the income?

We- we have all
sorts of ideas.

- Luxury foodstuffs for one.
- Height of vulgarity.

A corporate retreat.

Senior managers
brain-storming business strategy

In the unique environment
of this fantastic old house.

And what about the aged residents
of this fantastic old house?

- Hector! - Your father obviously
doesn't share your vision.

I run Glenbogle,
Mr. Fleming, not my father.

Well, I'm sorry,
it's not gonna happen.

At least not
with my bank's money.

- This looks delicious.
- Turn it into some wretched B & B,

And the place'll be full
of oiks like this fellow,

Dropping his h's
all over the shop.

( coughing )

Mr. Fleming?

What's the matter?

I've been poisoned.

I think I'm
gonna be sick.

( retching )

Oh, mine tastes fine.

Girl's pulled one out
of the bag at last.

No more.

Unless you can give
me a check for �100,000

As a clear indication of
your ability and willingness

To clear the estate's indebtedness,

The bank will take steps
to protect its position.

Can you write me
such a check?

Of course not.

Very well.

So be it.

Excuse me.

Right.

Yes, my man!

- Get in! Get right in!
- What's up with you?

Medication wearing off?

Jokes are one thing, I can
take as many as you throw down.

But sabotage
is another.

This is probably meaningless,
but what the hell?

- You're sacked.
- Archie!

Right. Start talking, slabhead.

I did it for you, honest,
to show I cared.

( thuds, screams )

Molly: Now does
everyone know what to do?

Right.
Let's go.

And, guys, be careful out there, okay?

I've always wanted
to say that.

Molly?
Molly?

What are we gonna
do about the money?

Ah, well, I have
a cunning plan.

Hey, big boy.
Wakey-wakey.

- Lexie.
- You feeling better?

Now, you're going
to eat the nice breakfast

That I prepared
for you.

Then you and I are going to go
off on a little jaunt together.

- But I-I have to get
back to- - oh, really?

Life that exciting
in Hanwell, or Ealing even?

Lexie doesn't
offer herself

To any old Tom, Dick,
or Archie, you know.

Right.

I'll meet you
by the bike sheds

In 10 minutes,
Fleming.

Or should I call you
Flem for short?

My man.

My poor
wee man.

You ready
for adventure?

Jump on.
We'll head for the hills.

( engine starts )

This is Golly,
by the way,

The best hunter this side
of the Rockies.

Nice to meet you,
Golly.

Molly: Is that honest Bob McDougall?

Now then, my man,

I gather you've
got a book open

On the Glenbogle
hill race?

Good, 'cause I'd like
to make a very large bet.

Five thousand.

Yes, that's right,
5,000.

Have you seen our
executioner this morning?

You missed him, he's gone.
Where in heaven's name is Lexie?

She's gone, too.
Archie sacked her.

- You'll have to make your own breakfast.
- What?!

- You're going to be late.
- Late for what?

The hill race,
silly.

Yes, let's all go on
a fun run. Most timely.

We're all washed up,
but what the heck?

I suppose you want me to
wear a silly costume, too.

What is it, the back end of a horse?

Clown outfit might
be appropriate.

But you used to love
athletics at school.

Only when I was
trying to run away.

Katrina said
you'd chicken out.

She used to run for the
Scottish universities.

Please. Put on
your shorts and run.

Just do this
for your silly old mum, hmm?

I've got the bread.

Now all we need is
some means of toasting it.

Are you sure
these will be okay?

Listen, Dunc,
I've come across

A few intellectually
challenged creatures in my time,

But these trout
are truly cretinous.

Lexie: Yee-ha!

I've never been
fishing before.

Neither have I.

Least not
in a river.

Careful, man,
you'll frighten the fish.

Come on.

Off you go.
Good boy.

Ah, good luck,
my boy.

Thank you.

- I want you to wear this.
- What is it?

MacDonald of Glenbogle's
tam-o'- shanter.

The fifth Laird
wore it at Culloden,

When he escaped the
clutches of the Redcoats.

The very event we're
commemorating today.

- It's filthy.
- It's history.

If this is the last time a
MacDonald runs in the hill race,

It must be worn.

To complete the ancient
and venerated circle.

- Exactly, Kilwillie.
- All right.

Good boy.

It's okay. You can play
with him till he's silly.

- He's loving it.
- Oh, my goodness.

I'm touching him.

Slowly, slowly, slowly.

I'm tickling him.

I'm tickling
a bloody trout.

Go on,
you can do it.

Net, Lexie.

( shrieks, laughing )

Right, that's
that then.

I've got
things to do.

Oh, my man.

My hunter.

I caught a fish
with my bare hands.

Oh, Lexie, I don't know. I felt special.

You are special,
wee man.

Oh, Lexie, I'm having
such a wonderful day.

That's 'cause
you're pished.

You'll soon get
used to it.

Woman: What, what have
I let myself in for?

Duncan?

Oh, my sponsors
insisted.

- Who's that then?
- Wallace's garage.

Listen, boss,
about the other night,

It wasn't really
Lexie's fault-

Announcer: Please move
to the starting line.

This is the last call.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Would all competitors

Please take their
places at the start?

Very nice. You look like an
extra from "Chariots of Fire. "

I'll soon burn you off,
just you watch.

- Dream on, pal.
- A word, son.

- Not now.
- Now.

Would all competitors please
take their places at the start?

Your ma has put
a bet on the race.

Big money.

What, on me?

On Katrina.
Right?

So you just
make sure she wins.

Okay?

You want me
to throw the race?

Well, I won't,
I've had enough.

No, this is where Archie
MacDonald makes his last stand.

Even if it turns out
to be Little Big Horn.

Away you go!

Come on, Duncan.
Come on.

There he is.
Archie, come on.

Come on, my boy.
Run hard, run true.

- Can't cope, eh?
- Just pacing myself.

( laughing )

Oh, Lexie, this is the
specialest day of my life.

I don't want
to work in a bank.

I want to live here, in a wee cottage,

And you could
have my children.

And I could
be a lumberjack

And breathe in
the fresh air

And chop logs,
with a chopper.

Oh, Flem,
you're a crazy guy.

I am,
I'm crazy for you.

There isn't anybody
like you in Ealing.

Oh, Lexie,
you're the most

Wonderful girl
I've ever met.

Apart from my own
darling mother.

May I kiss you? I
should like to very much.

Okay.

But...
No tongues, mind.

( screaming )

Duncan?

I'm gonna kill you!

Come on then,
I'll fight you for her.

Touch her again and you'll
get a double dose.

Duncan, I'm not gonna
tell you again!

I warned you about that.
I mean it.

- I've told you before!
- Lexie!

Ah, help!

Flem...
Archie!

Help me,
I'm going down.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Help me, please.
I'm going to die.

Sorry, I'm in
a race just now.

Fleming: Archie, please,
please, I'm drowning.

Here, grab my hand.
That's it.

I could use this,
you know.

A less scrupulous man would,
you know what I mean?

Archie, come on,
you can win this.

I told you
I'd catch you.

Who is it?

Hector:
Come on, boy.

Katrina.

Suffering there,
are you?

Just doing
what I'm told.

I'll tell you what,
I'll let you win,

If you give me
that bit of land.

Archie:
I'll beat you.

I'm faster
than you.

Sassenachs
beaten again.

I'm as Scottish
as you are.

Ha, you Scottish? Whoa!

Katrina!

- Katrina, are you all right?
- I'm fine.

- Come on.
- Go on, you can still win.

Jolly sporting
of the boy.

His ancestors would
be proud of him.

Yes, it was a good show.

Announcer: The winner of this
year's Glenbogle Hill Race.

Welcome
to Planet Glenbogle.

( loud cheering )

Nice one, Duncan.
Shame about the costume.

Fleming:
Well done.

Archie: And the winner
of the women's race

And equal second,
Katrina Finley.

Well done.

Oh, and by the way,
Katrina,

You can have that land
for the school.

( cheering )

Thank you
very much, Archie.

And we weren't equal
second by the way.

I crossed
the line first.

It's a mere
technicality.

Well done, Arch.

Can I just say sorry? I
don't really want you to go.

Oh, I'm not going
anywhere, boy.

Now hush your mouth
and give us a kiss.

Give him
a kiss, girls.

Go on.
Lovely.

And again.

Thank you.

Justine.

You've kissed virtually
every woman in Scotland.

Aren't you going
to give me one?

- You could have stayed, you know.
- Stayed?

I've been
insulted.

I've been
poisoned,

Assaulted
by a mad Pict

And chased
into a river.

I've ruined
a good suit.

I nearly died.

I'm sorry.

I've had the time
of my life, Archie.

The bank will give you
another six months.

We'll extend the
overdraft by another 75k.

- Make the most of it.
- Thank you very much.

Tell Lexie,
it's Lancelot.

- Hmm?
- My name.

( train approaches,
sounds horn )

Right.

We need to talk...

Now.

( theme music playing )

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