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1
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What's up, party people?
2
00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:02,758
Everybody that knows me
3
00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:05,047
knows I'm a sucker for tradition.
4
00:00:05,048 --> 00:00:07,649
For example, every Super Bowl Sunday,
5
00:00:07,650 --> 00:00:13,689
I host my very own halftime
wing-eating contest.
6
00:00:13,690 --> 00:00:16,258
It's not a contest if
you're the only one eating.
7
00:00:16,259 --> 00:00:19,161
Shut up and watch the game.
8
00:00:19,162 --> 00:00:21,095
And every February 14th,
9
00:00:21,096 --> 00:00:23,397
I like to sit and watch "The Notebook"
10
00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:24,866
with my valentine.
11
00:00:24,867 --> 00:00:28,236
Why would her mom hide the letters?
12
00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:30,671
[both sobbing]
13
00:00:32,207 --> 00:00:33,674
And every year on her birthday,
14
00:00:33,675 --> 00:00:35,910
I call my mama
and I tell her I love her.
15
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,545
Happy birthday, Mom.
16
00:00:37,546 --> 00:00:39,280
I love you.
17
00:00:39,281 --> 00:00:42,183
Mom, you've got to stop
poking me on Facebook.
18
00:00:42,184 --> 00:00:44,185
Girl, I'm going to unfollow you.
19
00:00:44,186 --> 00:00:46,154
I'm not being disrespectful.
20
00:00:46,155 --> 00:00:47,655
Yes, ma'am.
21
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,223
Why do I do this?
22
00:00:49,224 --> 00:00:51,192
Because I love traditions.
23
00:00:51,193 --> 00:00:52,960
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
24
00:00:52,961 --> 00:00:54,896
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
25
00:00:54,897 --> 00:00:56,397
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
26
00:00:56,398 --> 00:01:01,167
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
27
00:01:01,370 --> 00:01:04,872
?
28
00:01:04,873 --> 00:01:08,276
There go my best friend.
29
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,845
There she is, all single and beautiful.
30
00:01:10,846 --> 00:01:11,946
Come here, girl.
31
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,781
Bring it in, baby.
32
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:14,949
Come on.
33
00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,884
Yvette, I'm fine.
34
00:01:16,885 --> 00:01:19,253
Oh, you don't got to be brave.
35
00:01:19,254 --> 00:01:21,556
It's your first anniversary
since the divorce.
36
00:01:21,557 --> 00:01:22,723
You want to talk about it?
37
00:01:22,724 --> 00:01:24,225
Maybe open a bottle of wine?
38
00:01:24,226 --> 00:01:25,593
No, I don't need any wine.
39
00:01:25,594 --> 00:01:27,462
I just want to, you know,
finish doing...
40
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:30,264
How the hell do you do that so fast?
41
00:01:30,265 --> 00:01:31,732
I know my way around a cork, baby.
42
00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:33,301
Mm-hmm.
43
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:34,769
Well, Yvette,
I appreciate your concern,
44
00:01:34,770 --> 00:01:36,604
but today is just another day.
45
00:01:36,605 --> 00:01:38,639
I'm not going to be sad,
I'm not going to think about it,
46
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,274
and I'm not going to make any plans.
47
00:01:40,275 --> 00:01:43,711
Yvette, get out. We got plans.
48
00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:45,480
Hey, babies.
49
00:01:45,481 --> 00:01:46,914
How you doing?
50
00:01:46,915 --> 00:01:48,516
Marlon, what plans do we have?
51
00:01:48,517 --> 00:01:50,651
Come on, do I need
to refresh your memory?
52
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:54,622
Hater bridesmaids. [grunts]
53
00:01:54,623 --> 00:01:56,724
Drunken pastor,
54
00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,392
and your uncle splitting his pants
55
00:01:58,393 --> 00:02:00,795
getting low doing the Tootsie Roll.
56
00:02:00,796 --> 00:02:03,431
Yes, Marlon,
it's our wedding anniversary.
57
00:02:03,432 --> 00:02:04,999
Yeah, see. Come on.
58
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,601
I mean, we don't have to do
the same traditions
59
00:02:06,602 --> 00:02:08,269
that we used to do
when we were married.
60
00:02:08,270 --> 00:02:10,771
Like, you know,
my sexy underwear dance,
61
00:02:10,772 --> 00:02:14,809
which leads to my sexy
no underwear dance,
62
00:02:14,810 --> 00:02:18,012
which leads to your
sexy no underwear dance,
63
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:19,881
and then we'd have
a butt-naked dance off.
64
00:02:19,882 --> 00:02:22,416
That was weird. Why did we do that?
65
00:02:25,621 --> 00:02:29,490
But you got to admit,
my windmills was real dope.
66
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:33,895
Come on, I know we can't do that,
67
00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,997
but I did make dinner
reservations at Miccello's.
68
00:02:35,998 --> 00:02:37,431
Uh, excuse me.
69
00:02:37,432 --> 00:02:39,634
Can I address the elephant in the room?
70
00:02:39,635 --> 00:02:41,335
Oh, snap. When did your mama get here?
71
00:02:41,336 --> 00:02:43,804
Hey, Ms. Brown.
72
00:02:43,805 --> 00:02:45,740
You're divorced, weirdo.
73
00:02:45,741 --> 00:02:47,975
What kind of deranged stalker Muppet
74
00:02:47,976 --> 00:02:50,578
takes his ex-wife out to
celebrate their anniversary?
75
00:02:50,579 --> 00:02:51,879
It's creepy.
76
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,714
Muppet?
77
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:56,484
I know your "Fraggle Rock"
looking ass ain't talking.
78
00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:02,523
Let me ask you, what are you
and your ex-husband
79
00:03:02,524 --> 00:03:03,991
doing for y'all anniversary?
80
00:03:03,992 --> 00:03:05,927
Nothing. Why?
81
00:03:05,928 --> 00:03:10,631
Because you got to have a man
in order to lose a man, right?
82
00:03:10,632 --> 00:03:13,034
Okay, Marlon. She's right.
83
00:03:13,035 --> 00:03:15,369
Oh, come on, Ash.
84
00:03:15,370 --> 00:03:17,104
Come on, this is our tradition.
85
00:03:17,105 --> 00:03:19,073
We recreate our first date.
86
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:21,475
You know, dinner at Miccello's,
87
00:03:21,476 --> 00:03:23,578
walking along the Santa Monica pier,
88
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:27,014
trying to cop my first feel
on the Ferris wheel.
89
00:03:27,015 --> 00:03:29,083
Marley, you're in charge.
90
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,952
I'm in charge? Zack, go to bed.
91
00:03:30,953 --> 00:03:32,687
Why does she get to be in charge?
92
00:03:32,688 --> 00:03:34,455
Boy, you heard your sister.
Get your ass to bed.
93
00:03:34,456 --> 00:03:35,523
Zack!
94
00:03:35,524 --> 00:03:37,992
Zack, I'm in charge, okay?
95
00:03:37,993 --> 00:03:39,527
And Marlon, divorced people
96
00:03:39,528 --> 00:03:41,062
don't celebrate their anniversary.
97
00:03:41,063 --> 00:03:43,698
It's like a dead person
celebrating their birthday.
98
00:03:43,699 --> 00:03:45,399
Oh, that's a good idea.
99
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,068
Dead guy birthday.
100
00:03:47,069 --> 00:03:48,369
Put that in my will.
101
00:03:48,370 --> 00:03:49,770
But don't put me in a coffin.
102
00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:53,007
Just lean me on a wall
real cool like this.
103
00:03:56,875 --> 00:03:58,177
Damn it.
104
00:03:58,285 --> 00:03:59,419
Just my luck.
105
00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:01,988
I don't have jury duty tomorrow.
106
00:04:01,989 --> 00:04:04,057
- You like jury duty?
- You kidding?
107
00:04:04,058 --> 00:04:06,459
15 bucks a day, free coffee,
and a real-life whodunit?
108
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:08,962
Whoo, sign me up.
109
00:04:08,963 --> 00:04:10,597
What are you talking about?
110
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:13,700
Listen, Stevie, black people
don't do that, okay?
111
00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:17,703
We don't do swimming
pools past the stairs.
112
00:04:17,704 --> 00:04:21,373
We don't do ice hockey,
or any hockey for that matter.
113
00:04:21,374 --> 00:04:23,542
And we damn sure don't do jury duty,
114
00:04:23,543 --> 00:04:25,687
because we're scared they're
going to put our black ass
115
00:04:25,688 --> 00:04:26,578
on the stand and say,
116
00:04:26,579 --> 00:04:31,149
"Hey, this is about you.
You under arrest."
117
00:04:31,150 --> 00:04:34,086
I was going to brush up on
my juror's manual tonight,
118
00:04:34,087 --> 00:04:36,755
but since I'm free,
I guess I'll just join you guys
119
00:04:36,756 --> 00:04:38,590
for your anniversary shindig.
120
00:04:38,591 --> 00:04:41,526
Oh, my God, there's not
going to be a shindig.
121
00:04:41,527 --> 00:04:44,196
- Marlon's being crazy.
- I'm being crazy?
122
00:04:44,230 --> 00:04:46,298
You're being crazy if you're
trying to kill this tradition.
123
00:04:46,299 --> 00:04:49,801
Ash, we've been recreating
our first date for 16 years.
124
00:04:49,802 --> 00:04:52,304
Marlon, since you're
so into traditions,
125
00:04:52,305 --> 00:04:54,539
now that we're divorced,
how about we start a new one?
126
00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:57,309
One where we're honest
about that first date.
127
00:04:57,310 --> 00:04:58,744
Fine, I'll be honest.
128
00:04:58,745 --> 00:05:01,613
It was fly, you was all
up on a brother, boom.
129
00:05:01,614 --> 00:05:04,116
I put a ring on it.
130
00:05:04,117 --> 00:05:05,584
Marlon, it was a mess.
131
00:05:05,585 --> 00:05:07,719
It was a template
for our entire marriage.
132
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:10,155
Ah, two sides of a story.
133
00:05:10,156 --> 00:05:12,424
If only there was a time-tested method
134
00:05:12,425 --> 00:05:14,292
of arbitrating such a dispute.
135
00:05:14,294 --> 00:05:17,362
Talking about a jury, y'all.
136
00:05:17,363 --> 00:05:19,431
Yes, a jury.
137
00:05:19,432 --> 00:05:21,166
You guys will hear the testimony,
138
00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:23,702
and then we'll decide,
was our first date,
139
00:05:23,703 --> 00:05:26,605
indeed, the bomb, which it was.
140
00:05:26,606 --> 00:05:28,874
Kids, get on over here.
141
00:05:28,875 --> 00:05:32,077
You are about to experience
the unbridled intoxication
142
00:05:32,078 --> 00:05:34,513
of the judicial process.
143
00:05:34,514 --> 00:05:37,649
That sounds corny as hell.
144
00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:39,618
Marlon, you sure you want to do this?
145
00:05:39,619 --> 00:05:41,553
Yeah, I'm sure I want to do this.
146
00:05:41,554 --> 00:05:43,889
If I win, we're going to dinner.
147
00:05:43,890 --> 00:05:46,391
- Mm-hmm.
- And if you win...
148
00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:49,194
well, pfft, you ain't going to win.
149
00:05:49,195 --> 00:05:51,129
Fine, but the facts.
150
00:05:51,130 --> 00:05:53,331
Not the way you've been
spinning it all these years.
151
00:05:53,333 --> 00:05:55,333
We are going to tell them
the real version
152
00:05:55,335 --> 00:05:56,902
of what happened on that first date.
153
00:05:56,903 --> 00:05:58,637
Oh, come on, Ash.
154
00:05:58,638 --> 00:06:00,172
They don't need to hear
all that nasty stuff.
155
00:06:00,173 --> 00:06:02,307
They're still babies.
156
00:06:02,308 --> 00:06:05,277
Remember, we must all
be impartial and objective.
157
00:06:05,278 --> 00:06:06,511
Even you, Yvette.
158
00:06:06,512 --> 00:06:08,680
I can be objective,
159
00:06:08,681 --> 00:06:13,185
even though I'm sure
the dummy did something dumb.
160
00:06:13,186 --> 00:06:15,187
You shut up with
that tacky peach dress,
161
00:06:15,188 --> 00:06:18,056
looking like a damn
well-dressed Snicker.
162
00:06:18,057 --> 00:06:20,859
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
163
00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:23,161
court is now in session.
164
00:06:23,162 --> 00:06:24,663
Let me set the scene for you.
165
00:06:24,664 --> 00:06:26,732
It was 1997.
166
00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:28,867
"Titanic" was in the movie theaters,
167
00:06:28,868 --> 00:06:31,837
and Leonardo DiCaprio just got his,
168
00:06:31,838 --> 00:06:36,241
oh, white boy-can-get-it card
from the sisters.
169
00:06:36,242 --> 00:06:37,943
So I rolled in to Miccello's
170
00:06:37,944 --> 00:06:40,812
in my mustard-colored
Oak Tree suit, looking fly.
171
00:06:49,255 --> 00:06:51,456
[coughing, wheezing]
172
00:06:54,394 --> 00:06:56,528
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
173
00:07:04,470 --> 00:07:06,938
You know, when I first saw these roses,
174
00:07:06,939 --> 00:07:09,841
I said to myself,
"These are beautiful."
175
00:07:09,842 --> 00:07:11,743
But then myself said,
176
00:07:11,744 --> 00:07:16,214
"These roses are garbage
compared to that girl's beauty."
177
00:07:16,215 --> 00:07:19,885
But then self said,
"Marlon, buy them anyway,
178
00:07:19,886 --> 00:07:22,621
for she knows not her own beauty."
179
00:07:22,622 --> 00:07:27,592
And I said, "Damn, self.
You've been reading."
180
00:07:31,898 --> 00:07:34,766
You had me at "self."
181
00:07:37,437 --> 00:07:40,672
Let's go knock some boots.
182
00:07:40,673 --> 00:07:42,574
Stop. Pause.
183
00:07:42,575 --> 00:07:43,809
Timeout.
184
00:07:43,810 --> 00:07:46,411
Roses and smooth talk?
185
00:07:46,412 --> 00:07:47,913
I'm still listening.
186
00:07:47,914 --> 00:07:51,283
You sound like a real player, Dad.
187
00:07:51,284 --> 00:07:54,252
Don't form an opinion until
both sides make their case,
188
00:07:54,253 --> 00:07:58,423
but legally speaking,
that was stone-cold player.
189
00:07:58,424 --> 00:08:01,293
Here's how the date actually began.
190
00:08:01,294 --> 00:08:03,962
He was a hot mess.
191
00:08:06,732 --> 00:08:08,934
[wheezing]
192
00:08:10,503 --> 00:08:12,604
You good?
193
00:08:12,605 --> 00:08:16,274
Don't worry, you ain't
got that long to live anyway.
194
00:08:16,275 --> 00:08:19,411
Hey, how you doing, shorty doo-wop?
195
00:08:19,412 --> 00:08:21,313
I'm sorry I'm looking all busted,
196
00:08:21,314 --> 00:08:24,349
but my A/C in my car's broken
197
00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:27,819
and my windows don't roll down.
198
00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:29,621
You're 40 minutes late.
199
00:08:29,622 --> 00:08:32,624
I figured I'd give you time to miss me.
200
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,394
Oh, here.
201
00:08:36,395 --> 00:08:39,030
I bought you something.
202
00:08:39,031 --> 00:08:40,966
I was going to get you roses,
203
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:44,269
but my hookup on the freeway
off-ramp, he was fresh out.
204
00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:46,771
And I was like, "Damn, Paco."
205
00:08:46,772 --> 00:08:52,410
So it was either oranges
or candles de Jesus.
206
00:08:52,411 --> 00:08:57,949
And it's hard to get busy with,
you know, Jesus like this.
207
00:08:57,950 --> 00:09:00,318
Kind of creepy, you know.
208
00:09:00,319 --> 00:09:02,487
Damn, I'm sweaty.
209
00:09:02,488 --> 00:09:04,089
Oh, yeah, that's right.
210
00:09:04,090 --> 00:09:06,057
I did bring oranges.
211
00:09:06,058 --> 00:09:08,760
Freeway oranges? Really, Dad?
212
00:09:08,761 --> 00:09:10,695
The jury should consider
that they do help
213
00:09:10,696 --> 00:09:12,063
in the fight against scurvy.
214
00:09:12,064 --> 00:09:13,698
- Ah.
- See?
215
00:09:13,699 --> 00:09:16,735
They jury is rocking with me
on the oranges.
216
00:09:16,736 --> 00:09:18,670
I think you need to get your
face ready for dinner.
217
00:09:18,671 --> 00:09:20,372
They're not going to be
rocking with you
218
00:09:20,373 --> 00:09:22,941
on this next part,
because even you can't spin
219
00:09:22,942 --> 00:09:25,510
- what happened next.
- It was awesome.
220
00:09:25,511 --> 00:09:29,080
If they believe your version,
or maybe they want the truth.
221
00:09:29,081 --> 00:09:33,118
You can't handle the truth!
222
00:09:33,119 --> 00:09:34,953
You're out of order,
you're out of order!
223
00:09:34,954 --> 00:09:37,656
This whole courtroom is out of order!
224
00:09:37,657 --> 00:09:42,861
Love should have brought your
ass home last night.
225
00:09:42,862 --> 00:09:48,566
Until you do right by me,
everything you do will crumble!
226
00:09:48,568 --> 00:09:52,704
Now, I think a couple of those
were not courtroom dramas,
227
00:09:52,705 --> 00:09:55,074
but either way it goes, I rest my case.
228
00:09:56,714 --> 00:09:58,915
Marlon, please inform
the jury of what happened next.
229
00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:00,726
Well, after we enjoyed
230
00:10:00,727 --> 00:10:02,828
a nice, delightful meal of baked ziti,
231
00:10:02,829 --> 00:10:07,767
Ashley went to the
bathroom to "freshen up."
232
00:10:07,768 --> 00:10:09,034
And when she came out...
233
00:10:09,035 --> 00:10:10,836
? Rhymes all the time ?
234
00:10:10,837 --> 00:10:12,170
? That's what I do,
I'm bustin' rhymes ?
235
00:10:12,171 --> 00:10:13,838
? I be like, rawr, rawr! I be crazy ?
236
00:10:13,839 --> 00:10:16,007
? Oh wow, wow ?
237
00:10:16,008 --> 00:10:20,845
Damn, I ain't know
you could freestyle, too.
238
00:10:20,846 --> 00:10:23,848
That's just something I be
doing off the top of the dome,
239
00:10:23,849 --> 00:10:25,817
you know what I'm saying?
240
00:10:25,818 --> 00:10:29,654
But, damn, Ma, I think you
all that and a bag of chips.
241
00:10:29,655 --> 00:10:32,857
You know what, I kind of
want to be outtie 5000.
242
00:10:32,858 --> 00:10:34,859
So I was thinking, you know,
243
00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:37,695
now that I've filled your belly
with zesty, cheesy goodness...
244
00:10:37,696 --> 00:10:39,364
Word.
245
00:10:39,365 --> 00:10:42,033
I was thinking maybe we could
take a walk down the pier,
246
00:10:42,034 --> 00:10:44,903
and perhaps I could,
if you allow me to,
247
00:10:44,904 --> 00:10:48,106
if I'm not being too forward,
Ma, no disrespect...
248
00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:55,947
that I could hold your hand
while we look up at the moon,
249
00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:59,884
'cause you my type of hyper.
250
00:10:59,885 --> 00:11:02,320
Lead the way, my Mandingo king.
251
00:11:02,321 --> 00:11:04,055
'Cause all niggity-niggity-night,
252
00:11:04,056 --> 00:11:07,192
I've been thinking about
climbing up and down that lanky,
253
00:11:07,193 --> 00:11:09,160
chocolate frame and making shameful,
254
00:11:09,161 --> 00:11:12,197
disgusting love on the top
of the Ferris wheel.
255
00:11:12,198 --> 00:11:13,765
No diggity.
256
00:11:13,766 --> 00:11:15,199
No doubt.
257
00:11:15,201 --> 00:11:17,268
Damn, girl.
258
00:11:17,269 --> 00:11:20,338
You a freak.
259
00:11:20,339 --> 00:11:23,174
But I like that.
260
00:11:27,079 --> 00:11:29,247
- Ew, stop!
- Gross!
261
00:11:29,248 --> 00:11:32,951
Gross is y'all breath
in the morning, okay?
262
00:11:32,952 --> 00:11:34,519
That was pure sexy.
263
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,088
Girl, I got to say, a nice dinner
264
00:11:37,089 --> 00:11:38,756
and a stroll down the pier?
265
00:11:38,757 --> 00:11:40,892
Sounds pretty legit to me.
266
00:11:40,893 --> 00:11:44,796
And if it sounds legit,
267
00:11:44,797 --> 00:11:47,565
you must acquit!
268
00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:49,934
Objection, Johnny.
269
00:11:49,935 --> 00:11:52,770
What happens next is the moment
270
00:11:52,771 --> 00:11:56,274
that Marlon always seems to skip over.
271
00:11:56,275 --> 00:11:58,977
Hey there, squally-dip.
272
00:11:58,978 --> 00:12:00,478
It's almost 8:00.
273
00:12:00,479 --> 00:12:02,380
Uh, shouldn't we head to the concert?
274
00:12:02,381 --> 00:12:04,549
I don't want to miss
a minute of Boyz II Men.
275
00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:07,552
This fool took you
to go see Boyz II Men?
276
00:12:07,553 --> 00:12:09,320
How come I never knew this?
277
00:12:09,321 --> 00:12:12,991
Because this fool never
took me to see Boyz II Men.
278
00:12:12,992 --> 00:12:15,426
[all gasp]
279
00:12:15,427 --> 00:12:18,229
Okay. Hold up, hold up, hold up.
280
00:12:18,230 --> 00:12:19,931
I tried to get those tickets.
281
00:12:19,932 --> 00:12:23,601
He a liar, and the truth ain't in him!
282
00:12:23,602 --> 00:12:25,970
Order in the court!
283
00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:28,206
The jury foreman has a question.
284
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:31,943
If the date was so bad,
then why was there a second one?
285
00:12:31,944 --> 00:12:34,412
Yes, Ashley.
286
00:12:34,413 --> 00:12:38,349
Do tell the jury what happened next.
287
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:42,086
And I remind you, you are under oath.
288
00:12:44,924 --> 00:12:47,492
So you lied to me to get
me to go out with you?
289
00:12:47,493 --> 00:12:49,327
Oh, no, I didn't lie.
290
00:12:49,328 --> 00:12:50,828
Bye.
291
00:12:50,829 --> 00:12:52,363
Wait, no, no. Listen, I didn't lie.
292
00:12:52,364 --> 00:12:54,999
I didn't, okay, not about the tickets.
293
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,467
I lied about the bulge, okay?
294
00:12:56,468 --> 00:12:58,636
This is fake. This is fake, okay?
295
00:12:58,637 --> 00:13:03,174
But, other than that,
I didn't lie about the tickets.
296
00:13:03,175 --> 00:13:05,176
If you'll just let me explain, okay?
297
00:13:05,177 --> 00:13:08,980
When I first asked you out,
I didn't have the tickets,
298
00:13:08,981 --> 00:13:11,616
but I was going to get them
from a very reliable source.
299
00:13:11,617 --> 00:13:14,018
He told me to come and bring $200,
300
00:13:14,019 --> 00:13:17,388
but when I met him, he said
the tickets was $200 each.
301
00:13:17,389 --> 00:13:20,158
And so, I started haggling with
him, and so he struck me a deal.
302
00:13:20,159 --> 00:13:24,996
He didn't give me the tickets,
but I got this Rolex for $82.
303
00:13:24,997 --> 00:13:27,131
Wait, hold up.
304
00:13:27,132 --> 00:13:28,566
That say Polex.
305
00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:30,902
Why didn't you just tell me?
306
00:13:30,903 --> 00:13:32,870
Well, I didn't think
you was in to watches.
307
00:13:32,871 --> 00:13:34,405
I would've hooked you up, too.
308
00:13:34,406 --> 00:13:37,175
About the tickets.
309
00:13:37,176 --> 00:13:39,977
I didn't want you to think I was broke.
310
00:13:39,979 --> 00:13:42,113
So you'd rather I think you're a liar?
311
00:13:44,416 --> 00:13:46,150
Hey, hey, hey.
312
00:13:46,151 --> 00:13:50,521
Listen, I think you're unlike
any girl I ever met,
313
00:13:50,522 --> 00:13:53,491
and I just wanted to make a
really good first impression,
314
00:13:53,492 --> 00:13:55,560
and I know I messed that up,
315
00:13:55,561 --> 00:13:58,062
but we could still have
a really good time tonight.
316
00:13:58,063 --> 00:14:00,364
You like Boyz II Men?
I'll do you one better.
317
00:14:00,366 --> 00:14:04,535
We'll do a solo act... Boy II Man.
318
00:14:04,536 --> 00:14:06,371
Yeah, okay.
We'll figure out a name later.
319
00:14:06,372 --> 00:14:08,106
- Here.
- Wait...
320
00:14:08,107 --> 00:14:09,507
You're going to get front row seats
321
00:14:09,508 --> 00:14:11,943
to the best show in town.
322
00:14:11,944 --> 00:14:14,078
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
323
00:14:14,079 --> 00:14:16,414
? When I can't sleep at night ?
324
00:14:16,415 --> 00:14:19,183
? Without holding you tight ?
325
00:14:19,184 --> 00:14:20,985
? Girl, each time I try ?
326
00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:23,588
? I just break down and cry ?
327
00:14:23,589 --> 00:14:25,456
? Pain in my head ?
328
00:14:25,457 --> 00:14:28,593
? Oh, I'd rather be dead ?
329
00:14:28,594 --> 00:14:33,030
? Spinning around and around
and around and around ?
330
00:14:33,032 --> 00:14:34,532
? Although we've come ?
331
00:14:34,533 --> 00:14:36,100
Move.
332
00:14:36,101 --> 00:14:39,937
? To the end of the road ?
333
00:14:39,938 --> 00:14:41,239
Hands up, come on.
334
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,308
? Still I can't let go ?
335
00:14:44,309 --> 00:14:47,145
? It's unnatural ?
336
00:14:47,146 --> 00:14:50,114
[vocalizing]
337
00:14:50,115 --> 00:14:52,283
?
338
00:14:52,284 --> 00:14:55,119
? Yeah ?
339
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,121
? Whoo-ooh-ooh ?
340
00:14:57,122 --> 00:14:58,122
You're an idiot.
341
00:14:58,123 --> 00:15:00,158
[both laugh]
342
00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:02,527
But you're very cute.
343
00:15:04,096 --> 00:15:05,563
And that's what happened.
344
00:15:05,564 --> 00:15:07,899
And that's exactly
the way I remembered it,
345
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:11,402
except I was a lot more on key?
346
00:15:11,403 --> 00:15:16,140
So, jury, I think it's pretty
obvious who won this trial.
347
00:15:16,141 --> 00:15:17,275
Please.
348
00:15:17,276 --> 00:15:19,944
You lost me at "no tickets."
349
00:15:19,945 --> 00:15:21,612
I have to side with Dad.
350
00:15:21,613 --> 00:15:25,249
He buys all my sneakers,
so no shade, Mom.
351
00:15:25,250 --> 00:15:27,752
I'm with Mommy
because Zack's with Daddy.
352
00:15:27,753 --> 00:15:30,021
These are all biased conclusions.
353
00:15:30,022 --> 00:15:33,324
It's like none of you
understand the jury process.
354
00:15:33,325 --> 00:15:37,295
I'm going to need a couple of
hours to pore over the evidence.
355
00:15:37,296 --> 00:15:39,330
Okay, hung jury. Case dismissed.
356
00:15:39,331 --> 00:15:40,665
We're not going to Miccello's.
357
00:15:40,666 --> 00:15:42,633
Ash, what are you talking about?
358
00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:44,802
We just proved we had a great night.
359
00:15:44,803 --> 00:15:46,337
No, Marlon.
360
00:15:46,338 --> 00:15:48,506
We proved that we had some good moments
361
00:15:48,507 --> 00:15:49,807
and some bad moments,
362
00:15:49,808 --> 00:15:51,275
just like our marriage.
363
00:15:51,276 --> 00:15:53,611
But, for some reason,
at the end of the day,
364
00:15:53,612 --> 00:15:57,181
we didn't get to make it,
and that's sad.
365
00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,350
So I think this is a tradition
366
00:15:59,351 --> 00:16:01,686
that you're just
going to have to let go of.
367
00:16:07,126 --> 00:16:09,327
Well, I'm sure
you're going to let this go,
368
00:16:09,328 --> 00:16:11,957
and That'll be the end of that.
369
00:16:20,596 --> 00:16:21,932
Really, Marlon?
370
00:16:21,933 --> 00:16:24,322
I tell you that I don't want
to celebrate our anniversary,
371
00:16:24,323 --> 00:16:26,791
so you lure me here
by stealing my iPhone?
372
00:16:26,792 --> 00:16:27,506
Ugh.
373
00:16:27,507 --> 00:16:29,241
Well, I had to get you here somehow.
374
00:16:29,242 --> 00:16:30,475
Hey.
375
00:16:30,476 --> 00:16:32,678
Hey, Ashley.
376
00:16:32,679 --> 00:16:35,247
Hey, listen, you're right.
377
00:16:35,248 --> 00:16:37,282
We shouldn't celebrate our anniversary.
378
00:16:37,283 --> 00:16:39,951
That's what I've been
trying to tell you, Marlon.
379
00:16:39,952 --> 00:16:43,588
Fine, I'll let the
anniversary celebration go,
380
00:16:43,589 --> 00:16:46,454
but I have one question to ask you.
381
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:51,630
Would you marry me?
382
00:16:51,631 --> 00:16:54,700
Can you please get up off the floor?
383
00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,635
Girl, I didn't say,
"Will you marry me?"
384
00:16:56,636 --> 00:16:59,538
I said, "Would you marry me?"
385
00:16:59,539 --> 00:17:02,040
Knowing all that you know now,
386
00:17:02,041 --> 00:17:03,975
that we'd have a failed marriage,
387
00:17:03,976 --> 00:17:05,944
we'd have two beautiful kids,
388
00:17:05,945 --> 00:17:08,280
this wonderful friendship,
389
00:17:08,281 --> 00:17:13,018
would you do it again?
390
00:17:13,019 --> 00:17:14,986
Of course, I would.
391
00:17:14,987 --> 00:17:17,889
And so would I.
392
00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:22,561
So from now on,
we'll celebrate our family,
393
00:17:22,562 --> 00:17:26,031
our friendship.
394
00:17:26,032 --> 00:17:29,601
That'll be the new tradition.
395
00:17:29,602 --> 00:17:32,970
That's a tradition I can get behind.
396
00:17:34,706 --> 00:17:38,877
And, I'm sorry if, in our marriage,
397
00:17:38,878 --> 00:17:42,214
I didn't follow through
with all my promises.
398
00:17:42,215 --> 00:17:44,182
But, in divorce,
399
00:17:44,183 --> 00:17:47,352
I promise you I will.
400
00:17:47,353 --> 00:17:51,990
And I promise you,
I'm going to hold you to that.
401
00:17:51,991 --> 00:17:54,859
Damn, we just did divorce vows.
402
00:17:58,864 --> 00:18:02,067
And you may kick the groom.
403
00:18:02,068 --> 00:18:04,336
Instead of "I do," you say "I don't."
404
00:18:04,337 --> 00:18:06,338
- I don't either.
- Well, forget you then.
405
00:18:06,339 --> 00:18:08,939
- Forget you.
- The ring, take it.
406
00:18:10,909 --> 00:18:12,244
- Come here.
- What?
407
00:18:12,245 --> 00:18:15,680
- Cuckoo!
- What is going on?
408
00:18:15,681 --> 00:18:17,182
Oh.
409
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:20,252
We're about to start our new tradition.
410
00:18:20,253 --> 00:18:23,255
We're celebrating
our family anniversary,
411
00:18:23,256 --> 00:18:25,557
but first, I feel like I need
412
00:18:25,558 --> 00:18:28,260
- to make good on something.
- Oh, my god, Marlon.
413
00:18:28,261 --> 00:18:30,629
Please tell me
you're not going to sing.
414
00:18:30,630 --> 00:18:34,599
No, I'm not going to sing. They are.
415
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,235
All: ? Although we've come ?
416
00:18:37,236 --> 00:18:41,773
? To the end of the road ?
417
00:18:41,774 --> 00:18:45,677
? Still I can't let you go ?
418
00:18:45,678 --> 00:18:47,846
? It's unnatural ?
419
00:18:47,847 --> 00:18:49,948
? You belong to me ?
420
00:18:49,949 --> 00:18:52,250
? I belong to you ?
421
00:18:52,251 --> 00:18:53,885
? Come ?
422
00:18:53,886 --> 00:18:57,989
? To the end of the road ?
423
00:18:57,990 --> 00:19:01,726
? Still I can't let you go ?
424
00:19:01,727 --> 00:19:03,895
? It's unnatural ?
425
00:19:03,896 --> 00:19:05,864
? You belong to me ?
426
00:19:05,865 --> 00:19:09,601
? I belong to you ?
427
00:19:09,602 --> 00:19:11,670
[vocalizing]
428
00:19:11,671 --> 00:19:13,305
Girl.
429
00:19:13,306 --> 00:19:18,009
I always wanted to do one
of these sexy R&B breakdowns,
430
00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:19,978
with the deep voice,
431
00:19:19,979 --> 00:19:22,113
but, man, this is a lot doper
432
00:19:22,114 --> 00:19:25,250
than I even anticipated.
433
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:28,320
But, you know, we're divorced now.
434
00:19:28,321 --> 00:19:31,690
And, although our marriage
may have come to an end,
435
00:19:31,691 --> 00:19:34,326
our family never will.
436
00:19:34,327 --> 00:19:37,863
And marriage is just like divorce,
437
00:19:37,864 --> 00:19:40,397
because you don't have sex
either way it goes.
438
00:19:43,702 --> 00:19:47,138
You know, I remember the day
439
00:19:47,139 --> 00:19:49,908
that we first made the baby girl.
440
00:19:49,909 --> 00:19:52,143
I knew you was prego with her,
441
00:19:52,144 --> 00:19:55,847
because you cried like a crack baby.
442
00:19:55,848 --> 00:19:59,117
And then with him, oh, you were so mean
443
00:19:59,118 --> 00:20:00,485
and hungry, girl.
444
00:20:00,486 --> 00:20:01,987
You were hungry.
445
00:20:01,988 --> 00:20:03,321
"Give me these snacks.
446
00:20:03,322 --> 00:20:04,956
"Give me some cookies.
447
00:20:04,957 --> 00:20:06,992
Give me some of this. Rub my feet."
448
00:20:06,993 --> 00:20:11,029
I said this, "Is she pregnant
with a boy or with a demon?"
449
00:20:11,030 --> 00:20:14,332
And I was right. It was a demon.
450
00:20:14,333 --> 00:20:16,001
But you two lovely friends
451
00:20:16,002 --> 00:20:20,038
celebrating our consummation
of each other.
452
00:20:20,039 --> 00:20:22,205
Stevie, I still don't know
what the hell you're doing
453
00:20:22,206 --> 00:20:23,975
with that Afro.
454
00:20:23,976 --> 00:20:27,145
It look like a tumbleweed out of...
455
00:20:27,146 --> 00:20:29,781
out of an old Western
456
00:20:29,782 --> 00:20:32,951
with glasses on.
457
00:20:32,952 --> 00:20:37,289
And Yvette, this moment's for friends.
458
00:20:37,290 --> 00:20:41,126
I don't know why the hell you're here.
459
00:20:41,127 --> 00:20:44,963
But I want you to know,
baby girl, I love you.
460
00:20:44,964 --> 00:20:46,331
All: ? I belong to you ?
461
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:47,799
Don't try to kiss me on my lips.
462
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,368
I saw.
463
00:20:50,369 --> 00:20:54,104
- Thank you!
- [cheers and applause]
464
00:20:54,154 --> 00:20:58,704
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