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What's up, Internet fam?
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
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I spent 16 years of my life
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00:00:05,241 --> 00:00:07,375
learning how to speak Married Woman.
4
00:00:07,376 --> 00:00:11,413
But when I got divorced,
I had to relearn Single Lady.
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00:00:11,414 --> 00:00:15,984
For example, when a girl goes
"Hi, it's nice to meet you,"
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00:00:15,985 --> 00:00:17,485
what she really is saying is,
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00:00:17,486 --> 00:00:20,655
"So uh, where is this
relationship going?"
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00:00:20,656 --> 00:00:22,390
And when a girl says,
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00:00:22,391 --> 00:00:24,726
"Um, do you mind if I leave this
little toothbrush here?"
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00:00:24,727 --> 00:00:26,428
What she's really saying is,
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00:00:26,429 --> 00:00:28,396
"Um, so, when
are we turning this office
12
00:00:28,397 --> 00:00:29,731
into a baby nursery?"
13
00:00:29,732 --> 00:00:32,601
And when a girl says,
"No, I'm perfectly cool
14
00:00:32,602 --> 00:00:34,769
having sex with no
emotional attachment,"
15
00:00:34,770 --> 00:00:36,638
what she really means is...
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00:00:36,639 --> 00:00:38,573
[pounding on door]
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00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:41,409
Marlon, why haven't you called me?
18
00:00:41,410 --> 00:00:43,578
That's what they really mean.
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00:00:43,579 --> 00:00:45,580
I hear you crawling!
20
00:00:45,581 --> 00:00:47,482
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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00:00:47,483 --> 00:00:49,451
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
22
00:00:49,452 --> 00:00:50,986
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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00:00:50,987 --> 00:00:56,223
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
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00:00:56,592 --> 00:00:59,527
[smooth music]
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00:00:59,528 --> 00:01:02,597
Okay, okay, okay, what did I miss?
26
00:01:02,598 --> 00:01:05,333
Okay, you're going to have to drink.
27
00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:08,702
The card said "Never have I
ever had sex in a church."
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Well, they say to lay
your all on the altar, so...
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00:01:15,711 --> 00:01:20,482
I knew I heard her voice
coming from the pastor's pulpit.
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Talking about, "Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus!"
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00:01:22,785 --> 00:01:26,454
I thought she was
catching the Holy Ghost.
32
00:01:26,455 --> 00:01:28,622
She caught it.
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All right, "Never have I ever
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00:01:32,628 --> 00:01:36,298
used my sexuality to get out
of a traffic ticket."
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00:01:36,299 --> 00:01:38,066
Okay.
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00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,502
Oh, okay.
37
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Stevie, you're only supposed to drink
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00:01:43,472 --> 00:01:45,073
if you've done what's on the card.
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00:01:45,074 --> 00:01:47,809
The officer thought I was very sexy.
40
00:01:47,810 --> 00:01:49,511
Nice guy, he liked my beard.
41
00:01:49,512 --> 00:01:51,813
He let me off with a warning.
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00:01:51,814 --> 00:01:53,648
Your beard's sexy?
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00:01:53,649 --> 00:01:58,353
It must be all
of the jojoba oil you use.
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- Okay.
- All right.
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00:01:59,822 --> 00:02:03,391
"Never have I ever killed a man."
46
00:02:03,392 --> 00:02:05,694
Who writes these? These are so dumb.
47
00:02:05,695 --> 00:02:07,862
They need to come up with
a ghetto version of this game.
48
00:02:07,863 --> 00:02:11,066
"Never have I ever named my children
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00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:15,537
after expensive stuff I can't afford."
50
00:02:15,538 --> 00:02:17,105
"Come here, Cartier.
51
00:02:17,106 --> 00:02:19,107
"Get over here, Cartier.
52
00:02:19,108 --> 00:02:23,611
"Now where is your brother,
Yeezy Boost?
53
00:02:23,612 --> 00:02:25,513
Get over here, Rent."
54
00:02:25,514 --> 00:02:28,683
Stop it.
55
00:02:28,684 --> 00:02:31,353
I mean, who kills somebody?
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I don't know.
57
00:02:35,291 --> 00:02:37,459
I was a young candy-striper,
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00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:40,628
and he was an old guy on life support.
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00:02:40,629 --> 00:02:43,597
I needed to charge my phone.
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00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:47,801
What? They brought him back.
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00:02:50,473 --> 00:02:52,140
You know, I need to get a life.
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00:02:52,141 --> 00:02:53,742
I'm going to die of thirst
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00:02:53,743 --> 00:02:56,144
before something I've done
comes up on these cards.
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My turn.
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00:02:57,813 --> 00:03:02,917
Oh, "Never have I ever
had sex with an ex."
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00:03:02,918 --> 00:03:04,552
Cheers.
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00:03:04,553 --> 00:03:07,588
Hmm?
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Um, drink, bitch.
69
00:03:12,428 --> 00:03:14,596
I've never slept with an ex.
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00:03:14,597 --> 00:03:16,364
Uh, hold up.
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00:03:16,365 --> 00:03:20,535
You mean, since the divorce,
you and Marlon-never?
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Never have we ever.
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00:03:23,606 --> 00:03:25,140
Well, I assumed the only reason
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00:03:25,141 --> 00:03:26,908
you let Big Head hang around here
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00:03:26,909 --> 00:03:30,812
was because he was breaking
you off every now and then.
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00:03:30,813 --> 00:03:33,481
Yvette, we are divorced.
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00:03:33,482 --> 00:03:34,582
So?
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00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:36,751
I read an article on BuzzFeed
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00:03:36,752 --> 00:03:38,787
that said something like
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38% of divorced couples have
occasional sex,
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00:03:41,924 --> 00:03:44,192
and it's perfectly healthy.
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00:03:44,193 --> 00:03:47,528
And they keep your numbers low.
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Yvette, if we wanted
to have occasional sex,
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we would have stayed married.
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Hello.
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00:03:58,174 --> 00:04:00,442
? ?
87
00:04:00,443 --> 00:04:02,977
So what'd you think
about what Yvette said?
88
00:04:02,978 --> 00:04:05,447
Yeah, I know, that was crazy, right?
89
00:04:05,448 --> 00:04:08,650
I mean, I always knew there was
something off about that girl,
90
00:04:08,651 --> 00:04:12,454
but I didn't know she was a killer.
91
00:04:12,455 --> 00:04:14,656
You better watch your back.
She got the taste, you know?
92
00:04:14,657 --> 00:04:16,691
They don't just stop at one.
93
00:04:16,692 --> 00:04:18,960
Maybe she got a thing for
killing light-skinned girls.
94
00:04:18,961 --> 00:04:22,464
She might be like
the light-skinned strangler.
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00:04:22,465 --> 00:04:25,900
The mulatto mangler. Watch out.
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00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:29,504
Marlon, I'm talking about the article.
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00:04:29,505 --> 00:04:31,473
You know, ex sex?
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00:04:31,474 --> 00:04:35,743
Oh, I mean, 38% of divorced
couples hooking up, whatever.
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00:04:35,744 --> 00:04:37,512
It must be nice.
100
00:04:37,513 --> 00:04:38,913
It's been a pretty long time for me.
101
00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:42,250
You mean, you ain't got
no "break glass?"
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00:04:42,251 --> 00:04:44,486
Marlon, you know that I'm not
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00:04:44,487 --> 00:04:46,688
a "hit it and quit it" kind of girl.
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00:04:46,689 --> 00:04:47,755
I'm the opposite.
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00:04:47,756 --> 00:04:50,525
I be like, "Slam, bam."
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00:04:50,526 --> 00:04:54,562
She be like, "Damn."
107
00:04:54,563 --> 00:04:56,030
I be like, "Thank you, ma'am."
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00:04:56,031 --> 00:04:58,666
And she be like,
"So when do I move in?"
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00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,969
And I be like, "Chill."
110
00:05:00,970 --> 00:05:03,771
And she be like,
"So it's gonna be one night?"
111
00:05:03,772 --> 00:05:07,709
And I be like,
"Why'd I hit this crazy girl?"
112
00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:10,578
And she be like,
"Oh, I know where you live."
113
00:05:10,579 --> 00:05:14,048
And I be like, "Damn, Stevie,
we gotta change the locks."
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00:05:14,049 --> 00:05:17,485
Yeah, so it's been a while for me too.
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00:05:17,486 --> 00:05:18,686
No way.
116
00:05:18,687 --> 00:05:20,588
I'm serious, I had to take a break.
117
00:05:20,589 --> 00:05:23,591
You know, the locksmith was at
my house at least once a week?
118
00:05:23,592 --> 00:05:25,093
You had to change your locks that much?
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00:05:25,094 --> 00:05:28,763
I was dating a locksmith.
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00:05:28,764 --> 00:05:30,798
The girl kept letting herself in.
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00:05:30,799 --> 00:05:33,268
Okay, so what about us?
122
00:05:33,269 --> 00:05:36,704
Do you think we could, um,
be 38-percenters?
123
00:05:36,705 --> 00:05:38,039
Are you drunk?
124
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,609
No, I only had one drink
the whole damn game,
125
00:05:41,610 --> 00:05:43,711
and that was for something you did.
126
00:05:43,712 --> 00:05:46,047
Seriously, Marlon,
I want to live a little.
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00:05:46,048 --> 00:05:47,815
Take a walk on the wild side.
128
00:05:47,816 --> 00:05:49,317
So why can't we do this?
129
00:05:49,318 --> 00:05:50,919
Because you're Ashley.
130
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,820
This is not the way you're wired.
131
00:05:52,821 --> 00:05:55,623
I mean, you're going to get
all caught up in your feelings.
132
00:05:55,624 --> 00:05:58,826
Pssh. Not with you.
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00:05:58,827 --> 00:06:01,896
Marlon, I was already
married to you, okay?
134
00:06:01,897 --> 00:06:03,765
And I never want to do that again.
135
00:06:03,766 --> 00:06:06,067
Sex was the one part
of our relationship
136
00:06:06,068 --> 00:06:07,068
that kind of worked.
137
00:06:07,069 --> 00:06:08,903
Yeah.
138
00:06:08,904 --> 00:06:12,340
I did tear it up.
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00:06:12,341 --> 00:06:15,777
Oh, boy.
140
00:06:15,778 --> 00:06:18,580
Oh, I'd make your little toes do this.
141
00:06:18,581 --> 00:06:21,082
They'd be like [grunting].
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00:06:21,083 --> 00:06:24,152
They twinkle, twinkle little star.
143
00:06:24,153 --> 00:06:26,621
And then they'd curl up,
and you looked like you was
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00:06:26,622 --> 00:06:28,690
throwing up gang signs with your feet.
145
00:06:28,691 --> 00:06:30,091
Let's just do this, okay?
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00:06:30,092 --> 00:06:33,628
No feelings, no romance,
just down and dirty.
147
00:06:33,629 --> 00:06:35,029
I won't even shave my legs.
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00:06:35,030 --> 00:06:36,495
You really think you could do this?
149
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:37,632
Oh, I know I could.
150
00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:39,100
I know I could.
151
00:06:39,101 --> 00:06:40,068
Okay.
152
00:06:40,069 --> 00:06:41,502
Okay.
153
00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:43,004
Let's do it.
154
00:06:43,005 --> 00:06:44,806
So this Friday night,
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00:06:44,807 --> 00:06:47,141
I'll ask Yvette to take
the kids for a sleepover,
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00:06:47,142 --> 00:06:51,112
and you and I will join the 38% club.
157
00:06:51,113 --> 00:06:52,180
Cool.
158
00:06:52,181 --> 00:06:53,881
Let's do it.
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00:06:53,882 --> 00:06:55,950
We'll knock it out
like a couple of strangers,
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00:06:55,951 --> 00:06:57,291
and then I'll call you an Uber.
161
00:07:00,055 --> 00:07:02,056
Is that what you do for your jump-offs?
162
00:07:02,057 --> 00:07:05,960
Hey, hey, hey, "jump-offs"
is a derogatory term.
163
00:07:05,961 --> 00:07:07,862
Mm-hmm, uh-uh.
164
00:07:07,863 --> 00:07:10,131
Okay, they prefer "side pieces."
165
00:07:10,132 --> 00:07:11,799
Oh, okay.
166
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:12,867
Yes, or "thots."
167
00:07:12,868 --> 00:07:15,737
Okay.
168
00:07:15,738 --> 00:07:17,972
And then I call them all an Uber.
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00:07:17,973 --> 00:07:19,040
UberX?
170
00:07:19,041 --> 00:07:21,743
UberPOOL.
171
00:07:21,744 --> 00:07:23,011
And they still want to move in?
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00:07:23,012 --> 00:07:26,914
Girl, I'm Uber-special.
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00:07:26,915 --> 00:07:30,018
You better get your stretch on.
174
00:07:30,019 --> 00:07:32,220
I got this one move
I call "The Superman."
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00:07:32,221 --> 00:07:34,921
I just hop up. Oh!
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00:07:38,661 --> 00:07:40,161
It's crazy.
177
00:07:40,162 --> 00:07:42,697
Then I got this one called
"The Roasted Pig."
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00:07:42,698 --> 00:07:45,098
I put an apple in your mouth.
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00:07:52,975 --> 00:07:55,075
You won't know.
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00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,451
Hey.
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00:08:06,354 --> 00:08:08,072
Are you sure you want
to go through with this?
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00:08:08,073 --> 00:08:09,774
You know, something like this
183
00:08:09,775 --> 00:08:11,776
could really put a strain
on a relationship.
184
00:08:11,777 --> 00:08:13,911
You think Marlon and I
are making a mistake?
185
00:08:13,912 --> 00:08:16,814
No, I'm talking about me
watching your kids.
186
00:08:16,815 --> 00:08:19,584
You know kids do not fit
into my life plan.
187
00:08:19,585 --> 00:08:22,086
Everything is so white
and breakable in here!
188
00:08:22,087 --> 00:08:23,654
You're damn right it is.
189
00:08:23,655 --> 00:08:26,090
Put your hands in your pockets.
190
00:08:26,091 --> 00:08:28,793
Jesus, boo, please give me the strength
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00:08:28,794 --> 00:08:32,697
to not dropkick these... babies.
192
00:08:32,698 --> 00:08:35,099
Yvette, I know this isn't your scene,
193
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:38,002
and I really appreciate this.
194
00:08:38,003 --> 00:08:39,937
I'm kind of excited about tonight.
195
00:08:39,938 --> 00:08:41,939
I mean, as impossible as he is,
196
00:08:41,940 --> 00:08:43,708
Marlon does know
his way around the bedroom.
197
00:08:43,709 --> 00:08:45,141
Eww! [rolling tongue]
198
00:08:47,579 --> 00:08:50,681
Girl, are you sure
you're not going to get hurt
199
00:08:50,682 --> 00:08:51,949
fooling around with Marlon?
200
00:08:51,950 --> 00:08:53,918
You do get attached pretty quickly.
201
00:08:53,919 --> 00:08:55,820
When that barista
put a heart on your cup,
202
00:08:55,821 --> 00:09:00,391
you sent his nephew to Space Camp.
203
00:09:00,392 --> 00:09:02,960
I chipped in.
204
00:09:02,961 --> 00:09:06,197
All right, I do tend
to get emotionally invested.
205
00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:08,399
But this is Marlon we're talking about,
206
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,801
so I think I can remain
emotionally detached.
207
00:09:10,802 --> 00:09:13,404
Ahh! Zach, put that down!
208
00:09:13,405 --> 00:09:17,842
But it's a ball.
I got to know if it bounces.
209
00:09:17,843 --> 00:09:20,912
Girl, you better get out of
here before I change my mind.
210
00:09:20,913 --> 00:09:22,813
Okay, kids, listen to Aunt Yvette.
211
00:09:22,814 --> 00:09:23,981
Thank you so much. I love you.
212
00:09:23,982 --> 00:09:24,982
Love you.
213
00:09:24,983 --> 00:09:27,685
? ?
214
00:09:27,686 --> 00:09:31,022
Marlon, trust me, you're
making a life-altering mistake.
215
00:09:31,023 --> 00:09:33,224
You know, you got a
lot of relationship advice
216
00:09:33,225 --> 00:09:36,060
for a guy who got
a "sorry, we're stumped" email
217
00:09:36,061 --> 00:09:39,030
from Match.com.
218
00:09:39,031 --> 00:09:40,731
You and Ashley have
a great thing going.
219
00:09:40,732 --> 00:09:42,033
You see your family whenever you want,
220
00:09:42,034 --> 00:09:43,868
and you still get to date.
221
00:09:43,869 --> 00:09:46,938
If you go through this, you
will destroy a perfect divorce.
222
00:09:46,939 --> 00:09:50,374
I'm just going to make
a perfect divorce perfecter.
223
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:52,777
That's what you think,
but it's different for women.
224
00:09:52,778 --> 00:09:55,246
Once you make love,
she'll fall right back in,
225
00:09:55,247 --> 00:09:59,183
and life as you know it is donesville.
226
00:09:59,184 --> 00:10:03,721
You never say "donesville" again.
227
00:10:03,722 --> 00:10:06,724
It is disrespectful to black people.
228
00:10:06,725 --> 00:10:09,126
Barack Obama did not do
eight years in office,
229
00:10:09,127 --> 00:10:13,030
getting hated on by Republicans
230
00:10:13,031 --> 00:10:17,134
for your ass to say "donesville."
231
00:10:17,135 --> 00:10:18,769
It wasn't like he finished office like,
232
00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:21,104
"I'm donesville." No!
233
00:10:25,177 --> 00:10:27,911
Barack said, "I'm out, bitch."
234
00:10:31,850 --> 00:10:33,884
I know what I'm talking about, Marlon.
235
00:10:33,885 --> 00:10:35,753
And I'm telling you this,
236
00:10:35,754 --> 00:10:38,122
women can't do it without
getting emotionally attached.
237
00:10:38,123 --> 00:10:40,891
If you're not going to think
of yourself, think of me.
238
00:10:40,892 --> 00:10:43,060
The hot girls you date
almost always have
239
00:10:43,061 --> 00:10:47,798
a less-attractive friend
who needs to be occupied by me.
240
00:10:47,799 --> 00:10:52,270
If I lose that,
my love life is donesville.
241
00:10:52,271 --> 00:10:56,073
You gonna make me violent.
242
00:10:56,074 --> 00:10:57,842
You stop with "donesville."
243
00:10:57,843 --> 00:11:03,080
Rosa Parks did not sit in
the front of the bus and say,
244
00:11:03,081 --> 00:11:05,149
"Uh-uh, I ain't moving nowhere,"
245
00:11:05,150 --> 00:11:08,085
for you to say "donesville."
246
00:11:08,086 --> 00:11:10,221
Listen, Stevie, I know women, okay?
247
00:11:10,222 --> 00:11:13,124
Me and Ashley agreed, this is
not going to be all romantic.
248
00:11:13,125 --> 00:11:14,925
We're not making love.
249
00:11:14,926 --> 00:11:16,527
This is going to be hit it and quit it.
250
00:11:16,528 --> 00:11:18,829
Smash it and dash it.
251
00:11:18,830 --> 00:11:21,232
Beat it and street it.
252
00:11:21,233 --> 00:11:24,000
Sex it and exit.
253
00:11:26,805 --> 00:11:29,205
Lube her, then Uber.
254
00:11:35,714 --> 00:11:39,015
And you have a problem
with "donesville."
255
00:11:42,054 --> 00:11:43,854
You've got to trust me on this, Stevie.
256
00:11:43,855 --> 00:11:47,123
Listen, she's not even
going to shave her legs.
257
00:11:48,694 --> 00:11:51,227
Hi, Marlon.
258
00:11:52,964 --> 00:11:55,366
Oh, wow.
259
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:58,169
You shaved your legs.
260
00:11:58,170 --> 00:12:00,403
That's not all I shaved.
261
00:12:02,107 --> 00:12:04,075
Stevie, you was right.
262
00:12:04,076 --> 00:12:05,843
This isn't hit it and quit it.
263
00:12:05,844 --> 00:12:08,044
It's tap it and trap it.
264
00:12:09,037 --> 00:12:10,905
Okay, okay, where are you?
265
00:12:10,906 --> 00:12:12,040
I'm in the bathroom.
266
00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:13,708
I told her I had to freshen up.
267
00:12:13,709 --> 00:12:15,877
Hold up, let me splash
some water around,
268
00:12:15,878 --> 00:12:19,179
so this way she thinks
I'm washing my privates.
269
00:12:19,982 --> 00:12:23,684
Listen, man, this isn't the
uncomplicated down and dirty
270
00:12:23,685 --> 00:12:25,052
that she promised me.
271
00:12:25,053 --> 00:12:26,821
If I leave, I hurt her.
272
00:12:26,822 --> 00:12:29,724
If I stay, she winds up
falling back in love,
273
00:12:29,725 --> 00:12:31,559
and then I have to break her heart.
274
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:34,328
- You got to get out of there.
- Oh.
275
00:12:34,329 --> 00:12:37,064
Either way it goes, I messed
up the perfect divorce.
276
00:12:37,065 --> 00:12:38,766
Why didn't you warn me, Stevie?
277
00:12:38,767 --> 00:12:41,068
I did. I used those exact words.
278
00:12:41,069 --> 00:12:42,570
[knocking at door]
279
00:12:42,571 --> 00:12:44,906
Hurry up, Tiger.
280
00:12:44,907 --> 00:12:47,842
Did you hear that?
She just called me Tiger.
281
00:12:47,843 --> 00:12:50,611
She's throwing '70s sexy at me.
282
00:12:50,612 --> 00:12:55,583
She knows how much I
dig that jive, baby.
283
00:12:55,584 --> 00:12:58,019
Marlon, who are you talking to?
284
00:12:58,020 --> 00:12:59,954
Uh...
285
00:12:59,955 --> 00:13:01,822
No one, Mama.
286
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:05,793
I'm just in here picking out
my nappy chest hairs,
287
00:13:05,794 --> 00:13:08,396
throwing on a little Aqua Velva,
288
00:13:08,397 --> 00:13:12,366
and I'ma come in there and lay
the skinny down on that thing.
289
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:15,069
Aww, sookie, sookie.
290
00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:18,105
And I should not be hearing this.
291
00:13:18,106 --> 00:13:19,907
There's no sauce on this pizza.
292
00:13:19,908 --> 00:13:21,609
That's because I've seen what you do
293
00:13:21,610 --> 00:13:23,144
with sauce at your mama's house.
294
00:13:23,145 --> 00:13:24,779
Can I have some grape juice?
295
00:13:24,780 --> 00:13:26,881
Oh.
296
00:13:26,882 --> 00:13:31,786
You can have some water juice.
297
00:13:31,787 --> 00:13:35,389
I'm the only one allowed to
drink grapes up in here, okay?
298
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:38,125
Haven't you ever watched kids before?
299
00:13:38,126 --> 00:13:39,827
Yes.
300
00:13:39,828 --> 00:13:42,897
I've watched them ruin people's lives.
301
00:13:42,898 --> 00:13:44,432
So you never want to have a baby?
302
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:46,767
Babies make your boobies droop.
303
00:13:46,768 --> 00:13:51,239
They jack your uterus, and they
stretch your...
304
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,841
finances.
305
00:13:53,842 --> 00:13:57,144
I like my life way too much
to waste it on kids.
306
00:13:57,145 --> 00:13:59,098
Well, who's going to take care
of you when you're old?
307
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:00,948
Say what now?
308
00:14:00,949 --> 00:14:02,950
My parents always have
me and Zach, and someday
309
00:14:02,951 --> 00:14:05,119
they'll have grandkids and
people to look after them.
310
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,188
Who will you have?
311
00:14:07,189 --> 00:14:10,157
I wouldn't want to be old
and alone in this place.
312
00:14:10,158 --> 00:14:13,160
Your bad knee locks up on
that stairway with no railing,
313
00:14:13,161 --> 00:14:14,996
and bam!
314
00:14:14,997 --> 00:14:17,765
They won't find your
corpse for two months.
315
00:14:17,766 --> 00:14:21,035
By then, your cats will have eaten you.
316
00:14:21,036 --> 00:14:22,770
I don't have cats.
317
00:14:22,771 --> 00:14:24,337
You will.
318
00:14:25,941 --> 00:14:29,910
? ?
319
00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:32,947
[smooth music]
320
00:14:32,948 --> 00:14:34,782
? ?
321
00:14:34,783 --> 00:14:36,050
Oh.
322
00:14:36,051 --> 00:14:37,852
Oh, my God.
323
00:14:37,853 --> 00:14:40,955
I have such a headache.
324
00:14:40,956 --> 00:14:42,823
Would you mind turning that music down?
325
00:14:42,824 --> 00:14:45,293
Ugh.
326
00:14:45,294 --> 00:14:47,495
And I feel so bloated.
327
00:14:47,496 --> 00:14:49,697
It must have been
all the food we had today.
328
00:14:49,698 --> 00:14:52,867
Okay, first of all, we didn't eat.
329
00:14:52,868 --> 00:14:56,203
And secondly, you love doing it
on a full stomach.
330
00:14:56,204 --> 00:14:58,039
Don't you remember how we celebrated
331
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,174
you winning the pancake-eating contest?
332
00:15:00,175 --> 00:15:02,009
Oh, yeah.
333
00:15:02,010 --> 00:15:04,278
That's right, we came up
with a new move that day.
334
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:06,814
The IHOP.
335
00:15:06,815 --> 00:15:09,216
Hop from there all the way over there.
336
00:15:09,217 --> 00:15:11,185
Why don't you, um...
337
00:15:11,186 --> 00:15:13,954
Why don't you come over here?
338
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:17,058
Uh, no, I think I'll sit right here.
339
00:15:17,059 --> 00:15:19,060
It's much more comfortable.
340
00:15:19,061 --> 00:15:21,195
And I have a nice northeasterly breeze
341
00:15:21,196 --> 00:15:23,230
coming from that vent over there.
342
00:15:23,231 --> 00:15:24,932
It's really refreshing.
343
00:15:24,933 --> 00:15:27,535
Okay, well, I will come to you,
344
00:15:27,536 --> 00:15:29,837
'cause you're nice and clean.
345
00:15:29,838 --> 00:15:32,006
Well, no, no, no, I'm not...
I'm actually not clean.
346
00:15:32,007 --> 00:15:35,976
I didn't get to wash in there.
I just took a ho bath.
347
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,545
I didn't get to really wash
348
00:15:37,546 --> 00:15:39,080
because I don't like your body wash.
349
00:15:39,081 --> 00:15:40,848
I like bar soap.
350
00:15:40,849 --> 00:15:44,018
Yeah, because I get all up
in my nooks and my crannies.
351
00:15:44,019 --> 00:15:46,954
And I'm skinny,
so I got really deep nooks
352
00:15:46,955 --> 00:15:49,023
and really long crannies.
353
00:15:49,024 --> 00:15:51,058
You know, I think I'm going
to go to my house and shower,
354
00:15:51,059 --> 00:15:52,259
and I'll just come right back.
355
00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:55,062
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
356
00:15:55,063 --> 00:15:57,531
Ain't nobody got time for that.
357
00:15:57,532 --> 00:16:01,268
Wow, that's the "freak
'em nightie" right there.
358
00:16:01,269 --> 00:16:04,872
Yeah, I know that it was your favorite.
359
00:16:04,873 --> 00:16:06,574
Oh, yeah, it is.
360
00:16:06,575 --> 00:16:08,576
Well, it used to be my favorite,
361
00:16:08,577 --> 00:16:10,244
you know, back when we were married,
362
00:16:10,245 --> 00:16:12,880
and in a committed relationship,
you know, so it's...
363
00:16:12,881 --> 00:16:16,117
So, um, have you seen "This Is Us?"
364
00:16:16,118 --> 00:16:17,985
It's really good.
365
00:16:17,986 --> 00:16:20,554
You know, I'm surprised I
like it as much as I do.
366
00:16:20,555 --> 00:16:21,822
The critics love it.
367
00:16:21,823 --> 00:16:23,224
Shh-shh.
368
00:16:23,225 --> 00:16:26,861
How about a little less talking
369
00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:31,899
and a little bit more
of taking off this towel?
370
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:33,601
Hey, hey, hey, hey, woman.
371
00:16:33,602 --> 00:16:35,102
What is wrong with you?
372
00:16:35,103 --> 00:16:36,270
Okay?
373
00:16:36,271 --> 00:16:40,408
I'm not just a piece of meat.
374
00:16:40,409 --> 00:16:42,309
How about we have a
little small talk, like,
375
00:16:42,310 --> 00:16:45,079
"Hey, Marlon, how was your day?"
376
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,281
Hey, Marlon, how was your day?
377
00:16:47,282 --> 00:16:48,582
Drop that towel.
378
00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:51,285
Wait!
379
00:16:51,286 --> 00:16:54,622
No means no, Kobe.
380
00:16:54,623 --> 00:16:57,992
Marlon, what is going on?
381
00:16:57,993 --> 00:17:01,162
All right, look, you're
not ready for all of this.
382
00:17:01,163 --> 00:17:02,363
Okay?
383
00:17:02,364 --> 00:17:04,298
You may think you are, but you're not.
384
00:17:04,299 --> 00:17:06,333
I mean, look at you.
385
00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:10,271
You got on my favorite nightie,
you shaved your legs,
386
00:17:10,272 --> 00:17:13,941
you've got Egyptian Musk and Blue Nile,
387
00:17:13,942 --> 00:17:15,609
and frankincense and myrrh burning.
388
00:17:15,610 --> 00:17:19,346
That's the black love
trifecta right there.
389
00:17:19,347 --> 00:17:21,348
And you got that
baby-making music playing.
390
00:17:21,349 --> 00:17:23,217
You want to have animal sex,
391
00:17:23,218 --> 00:17:26,854
put on some southern
rappers that says, "Ahh!"
392
00:17:26,855 --> 00:17:28,389
You make it thug,
but you don't do this.
393
00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:30,124
This is making love.
394
00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:31,892
That's not what this
agreement was about, okay?
395
00:17:31,893 --> 00:17:33,627
You're going to get hurt.
396
00:17:33,628 --> 00:17:35,295
[laughs]
397
00:17:40,001 --> 00:17:41,402
What-what-what...
398
00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:44,205
What's with the villain laugh?
399
00:17:44,206 --> 00:17:48,075
Marlon, I'm not all up
in my feelings, okay?
400
00:17:48,076 --> 00:17:49,677
This is all for me.
401
00:17:49,678 --> 00:17:51,912
I've never hit it and quit it,
402
00:17:51,913 --> 00:17:54,482
and when I have sex,
I like to set a mood.
403
00:17:54,483 --> 00:17:56,183
I'm not going to get hurt.
404
00:17:56,184 --> 00:17:57,418
This is a transaction.
405
00:17:57,419 --> 00:18:00,321
I'm just trying to get her done.
406
00:18:00,322 --> 00:18:03,390
So you're not going to get
all caught up and get hurt?
407
00:18:03,391 --> 00:18:06,227
I divorced you. I'm fine.
408
00:18:06,228 --> 00:18:09,230
So all the history you
and I have together
409
00:18:09,231 --> 00:18:11,098
is not going to come
creeping into your mind
410
00:18:11,099 --> 00:18:12,233
the moment we kiss?
411
00:18:12,234 --> 00:18:14,034
Hell no.
412
00:18:14,035 --> 00:18:19,006
In that case, then let's
get it popping, hot mama.
413
00:18:19,007 --> 00:18:21,909
It's time to get it on.
414
00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:24,444
Aww, sookie sookie now.
415
00:18:33,889 --> 00:18:35,956
I can't do this.
416
00:18:35,957 --> 00:18:37,091
Marlon.
417
00:18:37,092 --> 00:18:39,193
I'm not gonna get hurt.
418
00:18:39,194 --> 00:18:42,363
It's not you I'm worried about.
419
00:18:42,364 --> 00:18:44,131
It's me.
420
00:18:44,132 --> 00:18:47,035
? ?
421
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,775
Yeah, I'd like to get an
estimate on installing
422
00:18:50,776 --> 00:18:53,068
some railing on a very
dangerous staircase.
423
00:18:53,069 --> 00:18:55,790
Yeah, call me back. ASAP.
424
00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:03,010
[sighs]
425
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,856
Hey, Aunt Yvette.
426
00:19:13,857 --> 00:19:14,957
Yes?
427
00:19:14,958 --> 00:19:16,959
You don't need to have kids.
428
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,761
When you get old,
I'll take care of you.
429
00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:26,801
You're all right for a kid.
430
00:19:27,637 --> 00:19:31,473
I broke that glass ball.
431
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:38,646
? ?
432
00:19:39,649 --> 00:19:40,816
You know, when I kissed you,
433
00:19:40,817 --> 00:19:43,552
I realized I don't think
434
00:19:43,553 --> 00:19:45,788
I could do this without
getting caught up.
435
00:19:45,789 --> 00:19:49,892
But you've slept with lots
of women since we separated.
436
00:19:49,893 --> 00:19:52,194
Yeah.
437
00:19:52,195 --> 00:19:53,962
A lot.
438
00:19:53,963 --> 00:19:55,998
Like a lot, a lot.
439
00:19:55,999 --> 00:19:59,468
And you didn't feel anything for them.
440
00:19:59,469 --> 00:20:01,602
It's because they're not you.
441
00:20:03,606 --> 00:20:06,508
I'm kind of surprised you
could go through with it.
442
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:09,511
I know, me too.
443
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:12,748
I just... I wanted to take
a walk on the wild side,
444
00:20:12,749 --> 00:20:14,683
and I think the only reason I could
445
00:20:14,684 --> 00:20:17,920
is because I feel so
comfortable with you.
446
00:20:17,921 --> 00:20:22,658
So I guess we're not capable
of joining the 38% club.
447
00:20:22,659 --> 00:20:24,759
At least you're not.
448
00:20:26,696 --> 00:20:29,164
Maybe we could cuddle?
449
00:20:29,165 --> 00:20:31,667
- Fine.
- Okay.
450
00:20:31,668 --> 00:20:34,937
But then I'm putting you in an Uber.
451
00:20:34,938 --> 00:20:36,605
UberX?
452
00:20:36,606 --> 00:20:38,607
You didn't put out. UberPOOL.
453
00:20:38,608 --> 00:20:40,442
Wow.
454
00:20:40,443 --> 00:20:42,122
You're going to put your baby daddy
455
00:20:42,123 --> 00:20:44,613
in an UberPOOL with strangers?
456
00:20:44,614 --> 00:20:46,014
Yep.
457
00:20:46,015 --> 00:20:48,417
- Want to spoon?
- Okay.
458
00:20:48,418 --> 00:20:50,618
- I got little spoon.
- All right.
459
00:20:52,689 --> 00:20:53,935
? ?
460
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:59,150
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461
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,750
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