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1
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,980
And have you got bad nipples? Sore nipples.
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,880
Bad nipples.
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,520
Low mood?
4
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,240
Well, now and again I feel a bit...
5
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:11,920
Constipation?
6
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:13,040
A little.
7
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:17,040
Vaginal itching?
Only when she senses danger.
8
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,960
Yes. Insomnia, poor appetite,
breast tenderness, perineal pain?
9
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,880
Yes. Well, that all sounds pretty standard.
10
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,880
Now, me thinks Mummy needs
baby to have a Daddy day.
11
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:37,760
HE GASPS You mean...me have
him for the day on my own?
12
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,520
Well, yes. He's got work.
13
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,320
I'll get Ali to cover.
14
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,120
You've not had him on your own yet.
I'll be fine. We'll be fine.
15
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,400
It's not a good time for it.
We've got his christening.
16
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,160
I want to make sure his gown fits.
You need a break.
17
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:51,240
I'm fine.
18
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,840
Honestly, I don't want a break,
or need a break.
19
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,720
You don't understand, he's a fucking idiot!
20
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,720
And three, two, one.
21
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,560
SHE SNORES
22
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,120
Brian?
23
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,640
What's wrong with you? You're useless.
24
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,960
You've never let yourself down before.
Jesus Christ.
25
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,240
I've got enough problems.
Pull yourself together.
26
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,120
HE SLAPS HIMSELF AND SIGHS
27
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:37,120
Someone's got to help him.
28
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:43,120
Everyone trusts you.
Don't let us down, now, Daddy.
29
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,320
I mean it.
30
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:49,320
I won't.
31
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:56,000
I won't!
32
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,880
HE CHUCKLES
33
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,640
All the times that I've cried
34
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,760
Keeping all the things I knew inside
35
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:10,760
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it...
36
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,320
MUSIC SLOWS TO STOP
37
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:17,840
What the fuck?
38
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,320
It's very kind of you, Jo, but...
It's the least I can do.
39
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,800
You let me move in with you
when I was getting myself fully
40
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:23,840
registered as a human,
41
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,840
and things are shaping up.
So now let me help you.
42
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,520
I'm fine. I found you with your
head in the oven. I was cleaning it.
43
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,400
It was covered in melted cheese
from one of your friends.
44
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,680
Mickey's trying to perfect
his four-cheese volcano,
45
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,160
and he is very close.
46
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,800
Talk to her.
47
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,120
I'm sure... Sue.
48
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,840
..Sue is great at...
49
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,520
..what she does.
50
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,320
But I don't need any help.
51
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:55,720
Sue. Let's start with a positive.
52
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,720
Jo tells me you recently had a
sexual reawakening in a war museum.
53
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:05,280
I have just met you.
54
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,560
The fuck? Shakira,
would you like Sue to read your palm?
55
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,000
No point. I melted it smooth on a hot plate.
56
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,680
Oh, OK.
57
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,640
Move. Dan!
58
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,920
And you've got Simon Bridges with you!
59
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,600
Well, you're not going to believe this.
60
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,800
When I look at him he turns away.
61
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,080
My first day with him and
he won't even look at me.
62
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,360
Please tell me you haven't got a
persecution complex about a baby.
63
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:32,360
Let me see.
64
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,440
Ah! He's right.
65
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,840
Right! This is bloody typical.
66
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,720
When I was a kid I pestered Mum and Dad
67
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,600
for a dog that I could
go on adventures with.
68
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,760
Did it like being stroked? No.
69
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,520
Did it fetch a stick? Did it fuck.
70
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,840
I can't handle this.
71
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,880
Brian? Brian, but what about your chart?
72
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,120
Dan, we're going to have to call Samaritans.
73
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:53,600
I hear him moaning all night,
74
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,200
and he's getting through a
whole box of tissues every day.
75
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,800
Never mind him!
My fucking son hates me. Whoa.
76
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,200
A curse word should only
be used in front of a child
77
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,960
in its proper context.
78
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,920
Dan, Sue. Sue, Dan.
You should listen to Sue.
79
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,720
She once cured someone's
cancer with a cinnamon stick.
80
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,880
Hello, Sue.
81
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,080
And also, no thank you.
82
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,560
Advice is free.
83
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,640
A mother doesn't charge for love. Bong.
84
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,200
Right, well, he's my son,
I don't need advice.
85
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,200
Especially from someone who says
"bong" for no reason.
86
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,080
Bong. Bong!
87
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:31,080
SHAKIRA: Oi!
88
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,880
I need some advice. BABY COOS
89
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,160
It's a baby, Daniel.
They look round, for God's sake.
90
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,240
When a calf is born it
doesn't bond with the bull.
91
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,400
Straight onto the teat and a
clumsy stumble round the field.
92
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,560
Two months later it's on the plate,
pinch of salt, delicious.
93
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,400
How is any of that comparable?
94
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,960
Oh, Daniel,
your generation overthinks things.
95
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,920
All this bonding and boob feeding.
96
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,040
I just used to pop a bottle in your mouth
97
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,960
and set up a fondue for the evening.
98
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,560
And he used to look round, I wager. Oh, yes.
99
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,880
Your dad took you to the pub once.
100
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,080
You wouldn't take your eyes off something.
101
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,480
He couldn't work out what it was until...
102
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,520
It was the peanut display behind the bar.
103
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,000
You know, one of those ones with
the picture of a model behind.
104
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:17,000
Well, someone bought a pack
and her breast was revealed.
105
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,720
You'd never seen one before because
breast-feeding disgusted me,
106
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,120
but you were entranced by it.
107
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,520
Pervert baby.
108
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,240
THEY LAUGH
109
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,000
Oh, my God.
How did any of us survive the '70s?
110
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,520
He must look at me sometime, surely?
111
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,960
Have you tried singing to him, Daniel?
112
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,960
You used to love being sung to.
113
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,400
Good idea, Polly.
114
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:38,680
Wait a minute.
115
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:42,680
Oh, what a treat for us.
116
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,000
I'd love to have a baby one day.
117
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,160
But my father says my hips are too narrow.
118
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,840
And if I did have a baby it
would be no more than a week old
119
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,840
before I'd killed it by accident.
120
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,880
I think you'd be a great mother, Carol.
Really?
121
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,120
Oh.
122
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,880
BANJO PLAYS Oh!
123
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,480
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
124
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,760
What the fuck is that?
125
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,760
Your favourite when you were a bairn,
boy - the Dudley Lullaby.
126
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:13,960
The what?
127
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,560
He doesn't even remember it, Nesta.
128
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,440
Well, listen up, Daniel,
129
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:21,000
and then you and the baby will
have something of your very own.
130
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,680
You can serenade him
for the rest of the day.
131
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,360
That'll do it.
132
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,480
Oh you are a filthy sod
133
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,680
Mucky as tar and caked in clod
134
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,240
When uncle hears, if you sings to God
135
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,440
He'll kick you down the stairs
136
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,200
Nae supper for you
till your chores are done
137
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,640
No bread or dripping for you, my son
138
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:45,560
For uncle wants you light as a crumb
139
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,280
When he kicks you down the stairs.
140
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,800
Jesus Christ.
141
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,960
Is that what you used to sing to me?
142
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,320
No wonder my life's utter shit.
143
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,320
Your arm will break and your shin will too
144
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,800
Your bladder will burst
like a popped balloon
145
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,680
Your head will split and you'll be through
146
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,160
When he kicks you down the stairs.
147
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,680
THEY LAUGH
148
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,240
Yeah, I'll take any appointment there is.
149
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,720
I aware Dr Stevens is busy. We're all busy.
150
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,440
And I've got work,
but I'm perfectly happy to see the locum,
151
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:22,440
I just would like to be seen today
if it's at all possible. Look!
152
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,120
Look, I have paid every single
penny of every single little bit
153
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,560
of tax that I have ever owed,
154
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,480
and I've asked very little
of the NHS in return,
155
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:33,480
but there is something
wrong with me now and I...
156
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,960
Right.
157
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:39,920
Well, yes, that is in the
ballpark of what I need, actually.
158
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,680
Sorry, you can tell that just
from the tone of my voice?
159
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:44,720
Right.
160
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,720
I'll pick the prescription up
in my lunch break. Thank you.
161
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,960
Western medicine won't solve your problems.
162
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,960
And their drugs make you
crave burgers on purpose.
163
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,120
Sue and I made a womb, Brian.
164
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:02,120
Get in and tell her why you
keep shouting and crying.
165
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,880
Out. No.
166
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,040
You need looking after,
167
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,360
and me and Sue are
determined to make you well.
168
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:08,960
You're safe in the womb.
169
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,240
Fuck the womb!
170
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,240
Brian!
171
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,000
I don't care what Mr Davies does,
172
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:20,000
you talk to me like that, lad,
you'll get a smack in the nads.
173
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,000
Oh, it's well better having you here, Miss.
174
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,680
I'm not supposed to be here.
It's my day of free lessons.
175
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,400
Dick, isn't he?
176
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,360
Oi, You've got to help me.
177
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,240
What are you doing? He hates me.
178
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:35,480
Oh, he's cute. Can't have come
from your balls. Can I have a go?
179
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,920
No, you cannot, "Have a go," Jason.
He's not a selfie stick.
180
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,520
Good! Babies are bullshit.
181
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,120
HE CRIES
182
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:48,120
He stinks of shit.
I think it smells quite nice, actually.
183
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,160
It's going well then?
184
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:56,160
I think deep down I always
knew he wouldn't like me.
185
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,520
He's too young for me
to even bribe with toys.
186
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,240
The only good thing is he can't
grass me up cos he can't talk.
187
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,120
You fucking twat.
188
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,000
Just relax.
189
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,960
Go and do something enjoyable.
190
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,240
How's that for a radical idea?
191
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,920
I don't know what they like, do I?
192
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,000
What are your boys into?
193
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,680
My boys are big. They like violence.
194
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,160
Yours is a baby, they like anything.
195
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:22,160
Give him a cuddle and show him some
colourful shapes, you daft knob.
196
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,480
Could take him bowling? No!
197
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:29,480
Just take him somewhere you
like and talk at him. Jesus.
198
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,200
LAUGHTER This is important -
199
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:36,200
always keep an eye on where he is. What?
200
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,360
Jason!
201
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,920
Bring him back here now.
202
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,920
JASON LAUGHS Jason!
203
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:48,240
So it doesn't matter where I take him? No.
204
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,400
Hmm.
205
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,680
I bet none of your friends get to do
this in the middle of the week, do they?
206
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,000
Best dad ever.
207
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,000
Come on. Here comes the curry train.
208
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,000
Tell me you're not feeding your
eight-week-old baby a curry.
209
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,200
Hey, we're trying to bond, all right?
210
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,560
He's been a bit frosty.
211
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:21,880
But this food could kill him!
212
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,960
I think you'll find this
place is award-winning.
213
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,480
Right, Parvan?
214
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:26,840
No. Oh.
215
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,880
It must be next door. Anyway...
216
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:32,880
But he shouldn't be on solids
until he's at least six months.
217
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,360
What about a dhal?
218
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,560
Or a little raita?
219
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,440
Oh!
220
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,960
Strike two.
221
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,280
What was strike one?
222
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,280
First impression.
223
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,040
She just doesn't understand us, that's all.
224
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,000
You and me, we're special, aren't we?
225
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,520
Look at me.
226
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,480
Look at Daddy.
227
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:01,480
Christ!
228
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:08,760
Really, Brian?
229
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,080
This is the way you're going? Tell him, Sue.
230
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:15,080
The drugs don't work.
Depression is just chakra misalignment,
231
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,880
or wheat intolerance.
232
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:20,600
Now, I have no idea what that means,
but Sue is shit hot at this stuff.
233
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,520
Fuck off. Both of you, fuck off.
234
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,040
I'm not depressed.
235
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,920
Jo, you promised you would get a
job to pay off your tax, right?
236
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,040
Hanging around with a
bullshit-spouting woollen narcissist
237
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:35,040
is not a fucking job. No offence, Sue.
238
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,360
Don't let his serpent of
aggression bring you down.
239
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,240
Let's go and toss scarves in the park
240
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:50,120
and celebrate the earth mother
in every woman. OK, Sue.
241
00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,940
Never forget what your uncle said
242
00:11:53,940 --> 00:11:55,940
Don't you suggest his nose is red
243
00:11:55,940 --> 00:11:57,740
For that is why your brother's dead
244
00:11:57,740 --> 00:12:01,580
Cos he kicked him down the stairs.
245
00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:05,580
Oi! It's a lullaby. Jog on.
246
00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:11,540
Come on.
247
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:16,380
Have you any idea how long
I've waited for you, mate?
248
00:12:16,380 --> 00:12:19,740
The one person I thought
wouldn't think I was a prick.
249
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:23,740
Come on. Look at me. Look at Daddy.
250
00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:28,980
I think you may be interested
in old Sheba here. Problems?
251
00:12:31,220 --> 00:12:35,220
You could say that. You know it can
take a while to find each other.
252
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:40,580
Sorry? Who? Father and child.
I couldn't help but overhear.
253
00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:46,860
And if you don't mind me saying,
I think you may be trying too hard.
254
00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:53,700
INAUDIBLE
255
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:55,180
Hm.
256
00:12:55,180 --> 00:12:59,180
He hates me. He most certainly does not.
257
00:13:01,420 --> 00:13:05,420
May I? Sorry? A strange request from an old,
blind fool, but may I?
258
00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:14,780
Ah! There he is.
He's looking straight at you.
259
00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:17,620
I know.
260
00:13:17,620 --> 00:13:21,620
And yet I have no eyes.
Incredible. You see, he feels me.
261
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,980
He feels that I care and that he's safe.
262
00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:31,980
We don't always need to see, young man.
263
00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:36,460
Sometimes we just need to feel.
264
00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:38,220
BABY CHUCKLES
265
00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:41,780
Beautiful. Do you have children?
266
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:45,780
They are long grown-up but they
still come round for a cuddle.
267
00:13:47,740 --> 00:13:51,740
Anyway, don't panic, you'll get there.
268
00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:55,180
Now, you take him back.
269
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:56,660
DOG BARKS
270
00:13:56,660 --> 00:13:58,660
Oh, my fuck! Sheba?
271
00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:01,940
It's bolted with my kid on its back,
you prick!
272
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:05,100
Oh, not again! Sheba!
273
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:06,260
BABY CRIES
274
00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:09,980
Hey! Hey! Oi! Sheba!
275
00:14:09,980 --> 00:14:13,940
Sheba! Oi!
276
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:17,940
Jo! Jo!
277
00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:22,140
Jo! Oh!
278
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:23,380
Oh, my God.
279
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:26,380
Dan, what are you thinking.
He's not old enough for dog rides.
280
00:14:26,380 --> 00:14:30,380
Maybe you do need a little advice.
I didn't do it on purpose, did I?
281
00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:32,740
IN DISTANCE: Argh!
282
00:14:32,740 --> 00:14:36,740
Shit. Look after him.
283
00:14:36,980 --> 00:14:40,860
I'm fine. I'm OK.
Could you stand aside, please?
284
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:44,060
I am a health care professional.
285
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:48,060
Oh, hello, Patty. Is that your dog,
you fat whore? All right, mate.
286
00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:52,620
Where's your baby?
Oh, just with friends round there.
287
00:14:52,620 --> 00:14:56,380
So safe. Show me. Eh...
288
00:14:56,380 --> 00:15:00,380
Oh! Oh!
289
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:05,060
Oh, my fucking God.
290
00:15:05,060 --> 00:15:09,060
Let him have my special milk.
It's sweet with love.
291
00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:11,300
Milky Sue, no!
292
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:12,340
Milky Sue?
293
00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:14,860
You should have seen this
coming with a name like that.
294
00:15:14,860 --> 00:15:17,900
You told me her name was Sue.
Just her nickname.
295
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:21,900
Jo, Patty's coming.
Get my baby off that hippy's tit!
296
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:27,900
Please. No.
297
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:34,500
Patty! What the hell are you doing?
Nothing.
298
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:37,700
I'm just pleased to see you.
We're having a lovely day.
299
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:40,620
Me and the baby have bonded like fuckers.
Where is he?
300
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:43,380
Just round there. Show me. Why?
301
00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:46,780
Milky Sue, give me the baby! No. Wait!
302
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:50,460
What's wrong with you?
I want to tell you something.
303
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:54,460
Dan, where is your child? He's fine.
304
00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:56,380
Hey, Patty!
305
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,340
Milky Sue, let him go.
306
00:15:58,340 --> 00:15:59,980
It feels so natural.
307
00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:03,260
Patty, I'm a bad dad. I know.
308
00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:04,460
Sheba!
309
00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:06,180
I love him too much.
310
00:16:06,180 --> 00:16:08,620
I'm lost without you.
311
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:12,620
Milky Sue, please, please.
312
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:15,460
Oh...
313
00:16:15,460 --> 00:16:17,340
Sheba!
314
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:20,500
What the fuck?
315
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:24,500
Sheba!
316
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:27,940
Sheba!
317
00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:30,580
HE RETCHES
318
00:16:30,580 --> 00:16:34,580
Sheba!
319
00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:37,420
Strike three, right?
320
00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:40,060
Fucking hell, Dan. It wasn't me.
321
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:43,260
It was a blind man and a
woman called Milky Sue.
322
00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:44,620
Who the fuck is...?
323
00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:47,820
Never mind.
We have narrowly avoided having our baby
324
00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:50,780
taken into care 48 hours
before his christening.
325
00:16:50,780 --> 00:16:53,740
You are not having any more
days on your own with him.
326
00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,780
Not until his old enough to
get a licence for a Taser.
327
00:16:56,780 --> 00:16:59,780
Jesus Christ, Dan,
you talk about us being a family.
328
00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:03,780
Oh...
329
00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:18,500
ORGAN PLAYS
330
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,700
She'll come round, Dan.
My mum used to leave me
331
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:23,340
in a cattery when she had a
lot on and I turned out fine.
332
00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:26,740
And I always land on my feet
if you push me off a wall.
333
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:30,740
Oh, bloody hell, look at that.
Face like a smacked arse.
334
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:33,660
You know the rules about sulking, Daniel.
335
00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:34,940
What's wrong now?
336
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,860
Oh, nothing. This is just probably
last time I'll ever see my son,
337
00:17:37,860 --> 00:17:38,940
that's all.
338
00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:40,620
It's lucky that you've got us, isn't it?
339
00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:44,180
You're my little lamb.
You're the one that needs looking after.
340
00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:48,180
I'll get out my banjolele
later and sing you to sleep.
341
00:17:48,780 --> 00:17:52,780
God.
342
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,620
HE SIGHS
343
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:03,220
What are they? Brian's happy pills.
344
00:18:03,220 --> 00:18:04,700
I stole them this morning
345
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:06,860
cos Sue says they can make
you into a serial killer.
346
00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:10,860
That is the best news I've heard all week.
347
00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:13,620
It's not that bad, Dan.
348
00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:16,540
Yes, fine, thank you.
349
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:19,500
Brian! Hurray! And you look so well.
350
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:22,860
Funny, isn't it? Who'd have thought
conventional medicine would be more
351
00:18:22,860 --> 00:18:26,540
effective than a woman who will
breast-feed anything with a mouth?
352
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:29,620
Sorry, Brian. Anyway, Sue has gone
to Thailand to learn how to float
353
00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:31,060
off the ground using her mind.
354
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:35,060
Shut up. Come on.
355
00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:39,580
HE SIGHS
356
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,780
Amen. ALL: Amen.
357
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:45,780
Now,
we shall proceed with our joyous baptism.
358
00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:49,780
ORGAN PLAYS
359
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:54,420
Brian, how long till these happy
pills kick in? Dan! My what?
360
00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:58,940
Your happy pills. I haven't got happy pills.
361
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,300
Jo? I'm sorry, Brian.
362
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,780
I'm just worried.
I've told Dan about your tablets.
363
00:19:04,780 --> 00:19:07,860
Yeah, and I'm here to tell you
they don't work. You've taken one?
364
00:19:07,860 --> 00:19:11,060
Double popped. What? Shut up.
I always double pop.
365
00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:12,260
Look at the size of me.
366
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:14,100
Last time I had a shit I took a week.
367
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:17,660
Dan, they're not happy pills, they're for...
They're recreational.
368
00:19:17,660 --> 00:19:19,740
After what happened with Ally.
369
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:21,940
What happened with me? Nothing.
370
00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:24,940
Not sure but whatever it
was he's now on tablets.
371
00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:26,100
Narrow it down, Brian.
372
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:29,180
Was it before or after Ally
tossed you off at War Museum?
373
00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:33,140
Oh, that! Don't worry, Brian.
We all have off days.
374
00:19:33,140 --> 00:19:35,900
Oh, my...
375
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:39,700
Hectic pills! Sh! Jo, you nutter.
376
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,660
You've made me take a king
size dose of cock pills!
377
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:43,940
Oh, no. I've had one.
378
00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:46,700
Brian, I'm not going to grow a dick, am I?
379
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:49,140
No, Jo, you are not going to grow a dick.
380
00:19:49,140 --> 00:19:53,140
I can't, Brian. Not here.
Not at my own child's christening.
381
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:55,100
They only work if you get aroused.
382
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:59,100
So just don't get aroused.
Can you manage that in a church?
383
00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:08,900
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, GROANING
384
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:11,820
ORHAN PLAYS
385
00:20:11,820 --> 00:20:14,380
HE GASPS
386
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,380
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, GROANING
387
00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:21,380
HE GASPS
388
00:20:23,380 --> 00:20:27,380
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, HEAVY BREATHING
389
00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:35,140
HE MOUTHS
390
00:20:35,140 --> 00:20:38,660
But you were entranced by it. Pervert baby.
391
00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:42,660
LAUGHTER
392
00:20:43,940 --> 00:20:47,900
Oh, no!
393
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,500
SHE LAUGHS
394
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,140
And would baby Lipsey,
395
00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:56,140
the parents and the godparents
please join us at the front?
396
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:04,300
And do we have the father?
397
00:21:05,860 --> 00:21:08,660
Dan. I'm fine, thanks.
398
00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:12,660
Is he coming or not?
399
00:21:12,860 --> 00:21:14,620
No, no, no, no. You're all right.
400
00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:18,620
We usually have Daddy at the altar.
Dan. Get up here now.
401
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:23,260
I don't want to.
402
00:21:23,260 --> 00:21:25,300
He doesn't like me anyway, so... Daniel.
403
00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:29,300
Do you need some assistance?
Get up, lad. No, I can't.
404
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,660
Come along, man.
405
00:21:30,660 --> 00:21:32,980
He's able bodied, no? Technically.
406
00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:34,780
Come on, you silly bugger.
407
00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:36,900
No. Nesta, You don't...
408
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:40,900
THEY GASP
409
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:45,660
Crumbs.
410
00:21:45,660 --> 00:21:49,020
BABY GURGLES
411
00:21:49,020 --> 00:21:51,700
Oh, yeah, now he looks at me.
412
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:54,500
Oh, you are a filthy sod
413
00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:57,220
Mucky as tar and caked in blood
414
00:21:57,220 --> 00:21:59,340
When uncle hears of your sins too good
415
00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:02,060
He'll kick you down the stairs
416
00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:06,020
No supper for you till the chores are done
417
00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:08,300
No bread or dripping for you, my son.
418
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:11,780
For uncle wants you light as a crumb
419
00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:14,020
When he kicks you down the stairs
420
00:22:14,020 --> 00:22:17,860
Your arm will break and your shin will too
421
00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:21,020
Your bladder will burst
like a popped balloon
422
00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:23,860
Your head will split and you'll be through
423
00:22:23,860 --> 00:22:33,340
When he kicks you down the stairs.
424
00:22:33,390 --> 00:22:37,940
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