All language subtitles for Malcolm s03e16 Coaches

'I can't believe you, Dewey!'
When is she going to stop?

I'm starving. Go get us some food.

I'm not going out there.

'Sorry doesn't cut it, young man.'

This was a good idea,
just wish you had told me earlier.

I was hiding outside for 45 minutes
before I came in. I saw you.

You know how you've been hounding us
for years for your own computer?

We've arranged a deal with Ed
to get you one.

I'm giving you my old laptop.

Is it inside that?
No, that's it.

In exchange you'll
help Ed set up his new computer.

Shouldn't be hard for you to
install sound and graphics cards

and set up a network
for my broadband connection!

You're gonna help him re-sod his
lawn and build a gazebo. What? No!

C'mon, boys,
nothing in this life comes free.

Oh, here are those Foreigner albums.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, just be glad
you're getting a computer.

I should get a dog or a rat,

some dumb animal that knows how
to work for a living. Yes, ma'am.

Damn idiots, never learned how to do
one damn thing right in your lives.

Yes, ma'am.

The blood from my knees was tracking
behind where I'd already scrubbed,

so I had to keep going around until
she let me put towels on my knees.

So, how was your day?
I don't care about that.

My husband was disrespected
by a woman unfit to eat the crap between your toes.

Somebody ought to cut her open and
strangle her with her own entrails.

I love you, too.

If you want me, I'll be
under my bed. It wasn't that bad.

It was terrible. I hate soccer.

I stink. My team stinks.

27-0 doesn't reflect how close the
first five minutes of the game were.

Hey, you guys won the coin toss.

I wanna quit. People don't just quit
cos they lose a couple of games.

The coach quit.
He had an emotional breakdown,

that's not the same thing.
The point is you're not quitting.

In fact, you know what?
I'm gonna coach you.

What?!
This will be great.

It'll give us a chance to hang out
together, kick the ball around.

Some day you might
look back and say,

"Boy, I sure had some fun
with my old man."

What do you say?
No! You're not quitting.

I am going to coach you
and we are going to create

treasured memories whether
you want to or not.

So, what's... on the...

..hard drive?
Nothing, he erased everything.

No, he deleted the programmes
but he didn't format the drive.

They never... do!

There it is. Let's check out
what he's got in here.

Let's go through his e-mails.
Why? It's Ed, what's he gonna...

Oh, my God!

"Eddie, last night was amazing.
You touched me places my husband never knew existed."

T. Goodwin. That's Mrs Goodwin from
down the block. That's horrible!

They're both married... and fat!

Look at this one. "Edward, just
saying your name turns me to jelly."

That's... Mrs Fisher.

Mrs Carmen, Mrs Wilson, Mrs Belt!

He's sleeping
with half the neighbourhood.

Here's one from old Mrs Swanback.
Open... the picture... attachment.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Alright, kids,
let's huddle up. Hello, there.

My name is Hal. I'm the new coach.

I don't know a lot about soccer

but I do know about being a young
boy and growing up can be tough!

I know what it's like to be
the fat kid, the nose-picker -

just wipe it on the grass, son.

But together we are more than that.

Today we're gonna be a team!

Can we just forfeit and get a burger
before the line gets too long? No.

We're going out on that field
to have fun.

You kids make me sick!

If you're not puking from exhaustion,
you're not playing hard enough!

It's a beautiful day.
Let's go out and enjoy the sunshine

and play some soccer!
You will rip their heads off!

Do you hear me? Stop crying.
Stop crying, you little baby!

Hey, why don't you just ease up?
They're just kids.

Hear that, men?
That's what a loser sounds like.

What do you say we go out and give
it our best and have some fun?

(CHILDREN SOB / MOAN)
It was 48-0 before the half,

I had to call it.
Of course.

(ALL) Two, four, six, eight,
who did we annihilate?

The Tigers, The Tigers,
we had The Tigers.

Yeah!

Hey, Stevie.

You were supposed...
to meet me... at the library.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I actually found
something decent on Ed's computer.

The Virts?
You create a virtual family,

put them in different situations and
the computer plays out their lives.

Is that... your mom?

Not yet.

Reese.

Make sure... you capture...

..the blackness... of his soul.

Aggressiveness - ten.

Hygiene - zero. OK, now me.

Appearance - nine... No, ten.

A ten for intelligence.
And social skills,... ten.

Too bad...
it doesn't go... higher(!)

I have social skills, jackass!

OK, it's dinner time.

Where's Malcolm? Looking at...
himself... in the mirror.

How you doing?
I'm hot and I'm bored.

What is this stuff? It smells awful.

What are you doing? There's bare
patches all over the place.

Are you paying attention
to what you're doing?

I get grounded plenty, Ed,
I know grunt work.

Why don't you go fix Mrs Collins's
garage door and get off my back?!

What did you say? You heard me.
Oh, my God, what do you know?

Formulate your megabytes next time
you get rid of your computer.

Oh, and by the way,...
Mrs Swanback?! You are sick!

Keep your voice down.
Look, it's not my fault.

I try to be faithful

but the women on this block
are just so desperate and lonely.

It's like I cast some kind of spell.

I try to tell 'em no, but it
always leads to a back rub.

I know, Ed, I read all about it.
Is that you, Ed?

Ah, I'm a little busy right now,
Martha.

Look, you can't tell my wife.
You can't tell anyone, please.

I'll do anything.
I'll do anything you ask.

I can work with that.

Damn, don't they know someone's got
to clean up their caribou carcases?

These antlers won't fit
down the disposal.

Francis, come away from there.
You don't have to do that.

You're much too valuable
to mess with that.

Yesterday you said you'd seen
tumours with hair smarter than me.

Can't you tell good-natured ribbing?
I've got an important job for you.

Sit there and check the reception on
the TV - it's been spotty lately.

Oh, and make sure these sodas
haven't gone flat.

That sounds do-able. We've got
other people to do the grunt work.

A newlywed shouldn't be tiring
himself out before he even gets home.

Your lovely, young wife
wouldn't like that, would she?

What did you do?! I don't know
what you're talking about, honey.

Lavernia is treating me
like a human being.

What did you do to her?
Maybe she turned over a new leaf.

Sometimes really big crappy jerks
just realise they've got to change.

She was terrified.
I don't know how you did it

but you must have said something.
I wouldn't do that, Francis.

I'm not gonna fight
your battles for you.

Obviously that's not true.
Now, damn it, tell me what you did.

You know what, I don't have to
do anything you tell me to do,

and you might want
to reconsider your tone of voice.

Sometimes you make me so mad!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Alright, look,
today's practise was...

Well, let's focus on the positive.

I think it's encouraging that so
many of you found the right field.

Special congratulations go to Billy
for using the sidestep

to run away from the butterfly
that almost landed near him.

But we do need to work on

your general unwillingness
to kick the ball.

It hurts!
Boys, if we are going to get better,

we have to work together.

We have to start acting like a team.

You know what it means
to be on a team, don't you?

Well, don't...
C'mon! Think of a team.

Like the X-Men?
Yes! Yes, like the X-Men.

You boys are like the X-Men.

And what do the X-Men do?
Fight evil?

Yes,
they work together to fight evil

and also to uphold the ideals

of good sportsmanship and team work!

And fight evil!
(ALL CHEER)

Yes! OK, OK.

Boys, c'mon, huddle up, huddle up.
I should not be telling you this

but the American Youth Soccer
Federation has been infiltrated

by evil forces hellbent
on domination of the Earth.

The infiltration goes all the way
down to the lowest levels -

I'm talking The Black Hawks,
The Bulldogs, The Eagles.

Every other team in our league
has been lost to the forces of evil

and it's up to you boys
to stop them.

Now, boys, what do you say?

Who wants to be on
the side of goodness

and who wants
to rid the world of EVIL?

(ALL CHEER)

Alright, boys, let's get out there
and do some kickey drill.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Can you please...

..start working?
Just one more second.

This is interesting. I made my mom
quit her job and go to Law School.

It's less money
but her happiness went way up.

I made Dad quit too. He's working on
neighbours' cars. Check out this.

I still think they could be happier.
Let's send Reese to China.

What are you... changing...

..about Malcolm?

Nothing, he's fine.
He's burning...

..himself... with a cigarette.

Just a phase.

"(LOUD HEAVY-METAL MUSIC)"

Where were you? I've been waiting
for that lotion. Look, a freckle.

My wife gets back soon.
It'll be hard explaining

why I'm catering to a 15 year old.

I'll explain if you want me to.
It's OK, forget it.

Fly. Where?
Just a drill.

"(HEAVY-METAL MUSIC)"

Well, the oak seems to burn a few
degrees hotter than the maple.

Oh, this game is asinine!

I thought... you liked it.

It's this idiotic programming!
My family has turned out horrible!

My mom became a Supreme Court
Justice, Reese is the King of China

and Dad is a millionaire
from his auto-body shops.

Why is Malcolm... sneaking Scotch...
from the toilet tank?

He won't stop! It's his
second bottle since breakfast.

I am so done with this game.

No, I'm moving them all to Arkansas
to become chicken farmers.

That ought to level out
the playing field.

Hi, honey.
This is great, you're home early.

You don't come home so mad any more.
I think we may have to split up.

What?
I'm not sure this is working.

I love you
but I don't know you that well.

Hell, I can't pronounce your
last name. Ta-nana-ha-akna.

This Lavernia thing,
I think there's a side -

I don't understand.
If someone does something

for someone they love
and it solves the problem - No!

Marriage is about
trust and communication

and not being terrified!

We're supposed to be a team,
I thought.

Look, I'm going to ask you
one last time,

for the sake of our marriage,
what did you do?

(Took her parakeet.)
What?

I took her parakeet!
You stole the woman's pet?

The woman's pet!

You protect the people you love.
I figured you would.

I'd tell you if I was gonna grab
a parakeet and hold it hostage...

I wouldn't do that. How long were
you going to keep it for, anyway?

'Til she behaved and if she didn't,
I guess I'd have killed it.

See?! That's where it
gets alarming again.

Putting aside
the horrible nature of the act,

what's upsetting is,
you made this unilateral decision -

I said I'm sorry! How many times
do you want me to say it?

You didn't!
You were going to break up with me!

You think that makes me feel safe?

You're right, I'm sorry.

Wait! No, I'm not apologising here!

Bring that bird back. If I do it,
she'll think I was involved.

You made this mess without me, you
clean it up without me. Or what?

Or maybe I'll do it for you!

And you...
have dinner ready when I get back!

Ed, school gets out at 3. It's 2.15!
I've been waiting for over an hour!

Sorry, Reese.
Excuse me.

Damn, hurry up. Hello, I'm Mrs
Abbott, Reese's guidance counsellor.

I've been trying to talk to you
about your son for weeks!

Well, I'm here now.
What can I do for you?

You have... to stop this.
Stupid game. This is ridiculous!

Everybody in my family is perfect.

Mom is President,
Reese is married to six supermodels,

Dad's funding a search
for extraterrestrials.

Nothing I do has any effect.

If I give them money, take it away,
make them ugly or Canadian,

everything works out beautifully for
them and horrible for me. Dewey...

..just became... Pope.

And I weigh 500 pounds.

That's it,
I'm just going to have to kill them.

Go to counter. Get knife. Kill them.

No, don't make yourself a sandwich.

Kill! Kill!

No, not yourself.
Don't kill, don't kill.

You stupid fat bastard!

Uuurrgh!

This means nothing!

So, Dad, are you gonna ground me(?)

Boy, your counsellor was furious.

So, we head back to your place,
set up your Jacuzzi

then throw something
on the barbecue for me.

I've got a better idea. I'll get
in my Jacuzzi and you fix my dinner.

What?
With the information I just got,

I can call your mother and you
won't see daylight for years.

Oh, yeah? One word and I'm telling
your wife your little secret.

The question is -
am I more scared of my wife

or are you more scared
of your mother?

Then get a dozen peach roses
- they've got to be peach -

and run them over to Mrs Malone's.

Lavernia, I'm sorry.

I just talked to my wife.
This was all a big misunderstanding.

She's sorry, too,
and we just want you to have...

I guess I should have put a blanket
on this on the way over.

I just want you to know that I...

(SCREAMS)

OK, boys, we have come a long way

and today is the day
we show what we're made of.

Now, who are we?
(ALL) The forces of good!

And who's evil?
(ALL) The Gophers!

(ALL CHEER)
We've got a schedule change, coach.

The Gophers didn't show up. You're
playing the Black Hawks. (ALL SIGH)

Don't worry,
I'll call it before it gets ugly.

We're playing the Black Hawks again?!
You're forgetting your mission.

You're here to fight evil
and they are the most evil of all.

When the teacher
remembers to give you homework

right before you leave school,
the Black Hawks are behind it.

When your mother says,
"You can't watch TV,"

the Black Hawks
told her to say that.

All those Christmas presents you
wanted. Do you know who got them?

The Black Hawks. If it were up
to them, we wouldn't have Christmas!

(ALL GASP)
I, for one, am glad

we have the chance to fight
for what is right and good!

Now, I ask you boys, who are we
going to beat?! The Black Hawks!

And what are they?
Evil! Yeah!

Teams, take the field.
I love you, boys.

I've done all the coaching
I can do. The rest is up to them.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(ALL) Aaghhh!

Eat chalk, evil-doer!

Oh, my God! No, we couldn't
stop them if we wanted to.

You just left the truck
and ran all the way home?

You didn't see the look on her face.
I'm scared going to work tomorrow.

You know, she does have a turtle.

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