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OK.
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Here's the thing about my family.
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We don't go to a lot of outing together.
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But when we do,
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There's a little tradition we always
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end up observing.
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When you say "lifetime ban",
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I mean,
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Whose lifetime are you talking about?
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Mom,
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I haven't even touch the ground.
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Don't you ever ask me
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for anything ever again!
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I should have just give you both a chips!
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Then at least I know to expect
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this kind of behavior.
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Ouch!
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Believe it or not,
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I actually envy Dewey.
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He got to stay home and
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play with the babysitter!
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And then the ambulance came,
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but there was this balloon.
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And then I was chasing it.
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And then I didn't know where I was.
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And then I chase a bag.
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And then I really didn't know where I was.
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Then I saw you,
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and I thought maybe you could help me.
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Because you've helped that other girl,
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the one in the movie.
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So if you could just
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come to life and help me,
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I'd really appreciate it.
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Thanks anyway.
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Produced and synced by: kongma
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It's 95 degrees outside,
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but it's 110 in here.
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We have to run the heater,
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so the radiator doesn't boil over.
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Hal,
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The darn silver Toyota's been
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taligating for the last 3 miles.
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Just pull over let them pass.
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Oh, flashing the bright,
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just gotta be like that, huh?
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Good lord, Hal,
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He could have a gun!
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Just let him pass.
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All right, silver Toyota,
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you win this round.
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Go ahead!
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Get there 2 seconds sooner!
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God, there is just an accident
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waiting to happen.
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A...B...C...D...
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A...B...C...D...
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A...B...C...D...
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It's a good thing I found you.
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It's not very safe for little boy
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like you to be all by yourself.
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A...B...C...D...
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Oh don't you worry
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I'm gonna get you back home
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to your parents.
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They must be worried sick.
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A...B...C...D...
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A...B...C...D...
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It's "E" there.
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A B C D E
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E
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I know.
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A...B...C...D...
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A...B...C...D...
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Sugar corn quacks.
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How can something so simple be so delicious?
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That stuff's nasty, Francis.
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To the unsophisticated palate, yes.
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But to me, the candy quack is
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nature's perfect food.
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I think I can eat a hundred of them.
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No way.
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All that marshmallow would
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expand in your stomach.
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You wouldn't get pass 50.
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OK, that's where you're wrong, Joe.
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See the marshmallow wouldn't expand.
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It would dissolve.
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I'd never get full.
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In fact, I don't think
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Will you just shut up!
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I have sat back and said nothing.
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While you've gone on and on
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about how you can eat a hundred of this
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and lift a hundred of that.
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The quacks would expand.
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You're an idiot if you think different.
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OK, let me tell you something.
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If I say I can eat a hundred quacks,
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you can take that as a bona fide guarantee.
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and there's no need to resort to personal attacks
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Because I'd hate to raise
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the whole issue of you wearing
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boxers
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in the shower.
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That was so cool.
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Did you see that truck jack knife and flip over
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and that wheel fly through the air?
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An explosion would've been nice,
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but you can't have everything.
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Yeah, Reese, this is great.
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Now we're stuck here for hours.
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With no food and no air-conditioning.
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I guess it could be worse.
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I could be the guy in the silver Toyota.
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Why can't you just open one lane?
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Lady, we have to wait for the crane
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to get here before we can even
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think of opening this road to traffic.
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Yeah, but if you just moved a couple of
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those police cars there'd be enough
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room to just pass on the shoulder.
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I mean this is just plain stupid.
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Ma'am, don't call a police officer stupid.
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What, that's a law now?
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Look, my freshman year I ate
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seven pounds of grapes in one sitting.
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I think I know what my body is capable of.
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We're not talking about grapes, Francis.
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We're talking about pure sucrose.
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The human body simply cannot
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absorb the sugar in 100 quacks.
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Yeah.
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Hey, in extreme cases the human
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pancreas has been known to increase
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its insulin production by up to 60%.
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Yeah.
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Listen, your pancreas can produce enough
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insulin to fill a swimming pool
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that doesn't mean squat!
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if your adrenal gland can't distribute it
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into your bloodstream fast enough!
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Yeah.
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Gentlemen, gentlemen!
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This argument is pointless.
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One.
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Look at them.
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They're just standing around.
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500 Cars full of people who actually
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have someplace to go and they're just
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standing there talking.
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What is there to discuss!
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Hey!
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Let me clear something up for you!
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This is a car wreck!
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You're a road crew.
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Do your job!
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Are you even listening to me?
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That could have been me.
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Yeah, well, hal,
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it could've been all of us.
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Nope.
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That car was sliced right through the driver's seat.
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You and the boys would've
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walked away without a scratch.
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This totally sucks!
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It's like an oven out here.
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What is the point of wandering
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aimlessly through traffic!
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Because you can find cool stuff like this.
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Smells like gasoline.
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Reese, can't we just go back to the car?
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My feet are killing me.
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Ice-cream man!
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Go away!
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There is no ice cream in the truck!
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He's lying!
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There's tons of ice cream in there!
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The ice cream in the truck is not for sale.
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It is against the law for me to sell
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ice cream in the middle of traffic.
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This is just wrong!
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You could make money and please children.
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This is a senseless act!
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You are evil.
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Pure evil!
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If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly
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You son of a...
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Look, there's nothing you can do.
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Yes, there is!
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I can...I can...
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And the Nobel Prize goes to...
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Hey, you're talking about my brother.
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Good one.
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I'm jessica, gray volvo.
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Malcolm; crappy minivan.
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Do you want to go check out the crash site?
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Sure.
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You know, my dad practically caused it.
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Wow.
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What time is it now?
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It's still 4:00.
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You have to wait at least a minute
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for the time to change, dear.
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What time is it in china?
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Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20...
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Do you speak Chinese?
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Well, no...
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Is chinatown in china?
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Honey, if you want an answer to a question
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- you have to first wait...
- What does this toe do?
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You know what?
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I need to buy a pack of cigarettes--
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for the first time in 20 years.
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Grape juice, please.
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Hello.
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Think about it, Lois.
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I stopped to tie my shoe in the parking lot.
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If I hadn't done that we would've been
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on the road 20 seconds sooner.
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I would've been 200 yards ahead of where I was.
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And then I would've been the silver Toyota.
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And if you hadn't rented "body heat"
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we never would have had dewey.
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It's all an intricate tapestry, Hal.
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Ma'am?
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Yes.
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Did you ask your supervisor?
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Yes, and this phone is for emergency
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roadside assistance only, ma'am.
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I can't connect you to a private line.
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Look, I have got to get through to my babysit...
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Look, just let me talk to the supervisor.
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One moment, ma'am.
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Hello. This is the supervisor.
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No, it isn't.
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You're just disguising your voice.
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No, I'm not. I'm really the supervisor.
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You can't do this!
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Ma'am, I'm about to be replaced by a machine.
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I can do whatever I damn well please.
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Hey, where do you think you're going, young lady?
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It's OK, my dad's an investigator for the D.I.T.
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Oh, there he is.
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Hi daddy!
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OK.
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Whoa. your dad's a crash investigator?
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Here's a little secret, Malcolm.
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Whenever you want something, everybody's your dad.
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Hi, daddy!
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OK, she's cute, she's smart,
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and she even lies to cops.
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I may be in over my head here.
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46!
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47!
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48!
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And when you're constantly moving from town
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to town it's really hard to make friends.
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So, yeah, I acted out, I guess.
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What could I do in my situation?
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All right, I got to let you off here.
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OK.
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61!
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62!
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63!
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62!
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61!
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62!
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63!
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Malcolm, you have got to check out this view.
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Ow!
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I hate pricker bushes.
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What fruit are they trying to protect anyway?
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Do you see anything on here worth protecting?
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What are we doing up here?
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Just enjoying the sights.
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And check out that crazy lady.
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So tell me about this gifted class.
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It's horrible.
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I'm surrounded by Krelboynes.
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I have to do twice as much homework
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as anyone else in my grade.
283
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,160
I have to take all these college prep class...
284
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,330
Oh, what a nightmare.
285
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:18,340
If you're not careful you might get a
286
00:12:18,390 --> 00:12:19,800
full scholarship to Harvard.
287
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:20,910
You don't understand.
288
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:21,490
Malcolm,
289
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,310
you've been bellyaching nonstop
290
00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:24,830
for an hour and a half.
291
00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:27,920
Seriously, all you do is bitch.
292
00:12:28,010 --> 00:12:29,320
I happen to bitch the perfect amount
293
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:30,550
for someone in my situation.
294
00:12:30,610 --> 00:12:31,860
Today is the perfect example.
295
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:32,930
Look at this mess.
296
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,340
What's good about this?
297
00:12:35,350 --> 00:12:36,050
Well,
298
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:38,510
if it weren't for this,
299
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,030
we never would have met.
300
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,440
How could I not see that coming?
301
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,270
This girl's incredible.
302
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,640
And I keep rolling it around in my head--
303
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:06,620
how much time do I have left?
304
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,620
What have I done with my life?
305
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,760
I mean, what is my contribution?
306
00:13:11,070 --> 00:13:12,960
You go home at night knowing that you
307
00:13:12,970 --> 00:13:15,150
have helped to make the world a better place
308
00:13:15,150 --> 00:13:17,220
by forging that thin blue line,
309
00:13:17,350 --> 00:13:19,220
and that is real, man.
310
00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:21,480
If I could just once feel that
311
00:13:21,490 --> 00:13:23,260
sense of accomplishment...
312
00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:26,450
Do you know how special you are?
313
00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:27,440
Do you?
314
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,280
Z...
315
00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:33,900
Y...
316
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:36,120
X...
317
00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:39,860
W...
318
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,340
OK, let me get this straight.
319
00:13:43,450 --> 00:13:45,530
We have been waiting all afternoon for a crane.
320
00:13:45,530 --> 00:13:46,320
And now,
321
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,320
the crane is here.
322
00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:49,690
That's right.
323
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,440
And the man who works the crane,
324
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:52,430
he's here too!
325
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:53,780
That's right.
326
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,480
Then why is nothing happening!
327
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,000
Look, we can't touch anything,
328
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,660
until the investigators sign off on the accident report.
329
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,260
But they must have been done hours ago.
330
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:06,040
Where are they?
331
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:07,720
That's a whole another department.
332
00:14:07,850 --> 00:14:09,520
It's really not my job to know.
333
00:14:12,570 --> 00:14:13,760
Start...
334
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:14,980
the...
335
00:14:15,790 --> 00:14:18,160
crane.
336
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,320
You can't tell me what to do.
337
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,790
Hey, not so fast, Charlie!
338
00:14:29,790 --> 00:14:30,970
Ah! let go of me!
339
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,200
What do you think you're doing, huh?
340
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,640
Nothing. I'm just going for a walk.
341
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,630
What the helling is going on?
342
00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:36,630
This kid was trying to break into your truck.
343
00:14:36,650 --> 00:14:37,300
Let go of me!
344
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:38,720
I just want some damn ice cream.
345
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,720
You don't deserve ice cream.
346
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:41,850
Yeah, well, you don't deserve to be
347
00:14:41,850 --> 00:14:43,000
an ice cream man!
348
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:44,220
Ow!
349
00:14:44,710 --> 00:14:46,520
Come here, you punk! You little punk!
350
00:14:46,660 --> 00:14:48,600
That will teach you to mess with me!
351
00:14:48,850 --> 00:14:50,890
I was a surgeon in my country!
352
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:25,400
Ha!
353
00:15:26,130 --> 00:15:27,150
Looks like the human body
354
00:15:27,150 --> 00:15:29,180
can only accept 96 quacks.
355
00:15:29,180 --> 00:15:31,230
Check and mate.
356
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,360
Come on Francis, just four more.
357
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,470
You can do it.
358
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:36,810
Can...
359
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:38,170
quacks...
360
00:15:39,370 --> 00:15:40,170
dying?
361
00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:44,370
Hey, no one said he had to eat all the quacks.
362
00:15:44,650 --> 00:15:47,370
They just have to be inside his body, right?
363
00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:00,660
You did it, 100 quacks!
364
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,040
Yeah!
365
00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:07,190
You got hard.
366
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,930
Hey, way to go, Francis!
367
00:16:09,110 --> 00:16:10,550
Man, that was way cooler than the time
368
00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:12,000
Davis did a thousand sit-ups.
369
00:16:12,170 --> 00:16:13,130
Impossible.
370
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:14,870
I mean, Davis is in pretty good shape
371
00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:16,680
but a thousand sit-ups?
372
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,910
You're just begging for a double hernia.
373
00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:19,890
And it's that kind of
374
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:21,320
small-minded thinking that keeps you
375
00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,390
from recognizing true greatness.
376
00:16:24,810 --> 00:16:27,310
- What are you talking about?
- You're always arguing about something, man.
377
00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:38,480
Pleasure doing business with you, Kyle.
378
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,980
Nice moves out there, Erin.
379
00:16:41,780 --> 00:16:43,670
And here's your share, Mr. Wells.
380
00:16:45,370 --> 00:16:47,390
That man left us no choice.
381
00:16:52,950 --> 00:16:54,270
Try the green one!
382
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:00,080
Come on out of there, ma'am.
383
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:02,700
You order them to move this thing!
384
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,780
Let's just get you out of the crane
385
00:17:04,780 --> 00:17:06,240
and then we'll have a little talk.
386
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:08,360
Don't you dare patronize me.
387
00:17:08,710 --> 00:17:09,930
OK, you don't want to be patronized?
388
00:17:09,930 --> 00:17:10,780
I'll be blunt.
389
00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:12,220
You're a control freak.
390
00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:13,740
I see them all the time.
391
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:14,460
But guess what?
392
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:15,740
This is a traffic jam.
393
00:17:15,990 --> 00:17:16,930
It is out of your control.
394
00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:19,030
- Yeah, but I...
- You can't boss it around.
395
00:17:19,290 --> 00:17:21,640
You can't yell at it and expect it to listen.
396
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,560
- I have been...
- It will end when it ends.
397
00:17:24,990 --> 00:17:26,110
You just have to live with it.
398
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:28,830
There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
399
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,320
Who's damn dog is this?
400
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,420
I said who's damn dog is this?
401
00:17:55,390 --> 00:17:56,270
It's trapped inside.
402
00:17:56,270 --> 00:17:57,710
All the windows are rolled up. It's--
403
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,130
it's like 90 degrees out here!
404
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:02,990
OK.
405
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:03,910
OK!
406
00:18:04,270 --> 00:18:05,910
It is nobody's damn dog?
407
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,370
Then I guess nobody's going to
408
00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:09,300
to mind if I just do this.
409
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:15,790
Oh.
410
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,340
Don't be scared, little doggy.
411
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,420
Oh no everything's gonna be...
412
00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:36,500
Oh, poor thing.
413
00:18:38,730 --> 00:18:40,140
OK, I got it.
414
00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:42,000
I was hoping I could deliver a baby
415
00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:43,720
in a taxi cab or something, well...
416
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,720
a life is a life.
417
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,020
Oh now, look at you, huh?
418
00:18:49,490 --> 00:18:51,020
How did you get like this?
419
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,110
There you go, pal.
420
00:19:07,310 --> 00:19:08,250
I'm impressed.
421
00:19:08,350 --> 00:19:09,950
You actually have a working first-aid kit.
422
00:19:09,990 --> 00:19:11,950
We used to, but my brother ate all the band-aids.
423
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,360
I think you'll live.
424
00:19:13,770 --> 00:19:14,960
You know, I was thinking,
425
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,470
maybe sometime we can do something.
426
00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:18,070
If you...
427
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:20,940
You're from Canada?
428
00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:23,240
We're here on vacation.
429
00:19:28,470 --> 00:19:30,170
Why didn't you tell me?
430
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,190
Because then you would have spent
431
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,530
the whole day grousing.
432
00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:34,530
I knew this was too good to be true.
433
00:19:34,670 --> 00:19:35,960
I mean, why should I
434
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,390
get to meet someone who's smart,
435
00:19:37,390 --> 00:19:40,180
funny, not a Krelboyne not a member of my family?
436
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,660
But we did meet, Malcolm,
437
00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:43,440
and it was awesome. You know,
438
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:44,800
it's OK to enjoy something
439
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,530
even if it's just for a little while.
440
00:19:47,050 --> 00:19:48,240
Come on, we had fun.
441
00:19:48,350 --> 00:19:49,310
No, we didn't.
442
00:19:50,220 --> 00:19:51,360
You just said we did.
443
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,470
That was before I knew this was
444
00:19:52,470 --> 00:19:53,880
all a big waste of time.
445
00:20:02,220 --> 00:20:04,480
- Malcolm! Reese! move!
446
00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:06,300
I got to go.
447
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,080
Just pull out, Hal.
448
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,120
I am waiting my turn.
449
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:15,310
Malcolm!
450
00:20:18,500 --> 00:20:20,330
Here's my phone number. Call me!
451
00:20:49,970 --> 00:20:50,670
That...
452
00:20:50,970 --> 00:20:51,860
was so...
453
00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:52,960
much...
454
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,040
fun!
455
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:55,360
Who would have thought
456
00:20:55,490 --> 00:20:58,130
a traffic jam would be so cool?
457
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,810
We should totally do this again.
458
00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:01,810
When are we going on another road trip?
459
00:21:02,140 --> 00:21:03,190
Oh, how about next week?
460
00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:07,340
See ya, kid.
461
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,290
Bye, Santa.
462
00:21:21,190 --> 00:21:21,890
Hi, mom.
463
00:21:22,350 --> 00:21:23,890
Dewey, where's the baby-sitter?
464
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,040
She went away.
465
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:27,420
You got rid of another baby-sitter?
466
00:21:27,610 --> 00:21:29,160
What is wrong with you kids?
467
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:31,160
Then I drove off with potato chip man.
468
00:21:31,230 --> 00:21:32,820
Then I picked apples.
469
00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:34,040
Then we all went to jail.
470
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,160
Then I played the...
471
00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:39,760
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