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1
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:08,400
Mr. Mooney.
2
00:00:13,701 --> 00:00:15,000
Mr. Mooney!
3
00:00:16,968 --> 00:00:18,300
Mr. Mooney.
4
00:00:20,534 --> 00:00:22,267
All right,
thank you.
5
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:43,367
* Tell me whyI love you like I do
6
00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:47,400
* Tell me whocan stop my heartas much as you
7
00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:49,267
* Let's take each other's hand
8
00:00:49,334 --> 00:00:51,367
* As we jump intothe final frontier
9
00:00:53,801 --> 00:00:56,267
* I'm mad about you, baby
10
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:58,501
* Yeah!
11
00:01:04,834 --> 00:01:06,501
Hey, you guys.
Hey, listen, it's me.
12
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,968
I was on my way home,
13
00:01:08,033 --> 00:01:10,133
I hit 16th Street and, boom,
I gotta pee.
14
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,968
Oh, man, do I gotta pee.
15
00:01:14,267 --> 00:01:16,100
So, listen, I go
to Three Brothers, right?
16
00:01:16,167 --> 00:01:17,534
Nick says,
"Customers only."
17
00:01:17,601 --> 00:01:18,834
I say, "I gotta pee."
18
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,267
He says, "Customers only."
19
00:01:20,334 --> 00:01:22,400
I say, "Come on,
I come in here every day."
20
00:01:22,467 --> 00:01:23,501
He says, "Buy something."
21
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:25,234
I say, "What?
I just gotta pee."
22
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:27,067
He says... He says,
"Cup of coffee."
23
00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:29,200
I said, "It defeats
the whole purpose."
24
00:01:30,968 --> 00:01:33,501
(TOILET FLUSHES)
25
00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:35,400
I mean, man,
do you believe that guy?
26
00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:38,334
That attitude
may play in Greece, but not with me.
27
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,567
Hey, Paulie?
28
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:41,567
James?
29
00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:43,701
Murray?
30
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,000
Hey!
31
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,033
Where are you guys?
32
00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,067
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
33
00:02:01,501 --> 00:02:03,567
Did you know that
I have 29 teeth?
34
00:02:07,868 --> 00:02:09,501
Is your burger okay?
35
00:02:10,968 --> 00:02:12,267
You barely touched it.
36
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,434
The chicken
was a poem.
37
00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:21,801
I said the chicken
was a poem.
38
00:02:21,868 --> 00:02:22,968
Really?
39
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:24,601
See, right there,
I was thinking chicken,
40
00:02:24,667 --> 00:02:28,067
and then suddenly,
I wasn't in a chicken frame of mind.
41
00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:32,234
Honey, do you think
Murray's okay out there?
42
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,267
Of course he is.
A: He's in the vestibule,
43
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:36,634
and, 2: He's got fur.
44
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:41,100
What's the matter,
you're saying he's not okay?
45
00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:43,033
Honey, because if you're
saying he's not okay...
46
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:44,801
Sweetie, no, no, no, no.
You're right, you're right.
47
00:02:44,868 --> 00:02:47,767
In fact, you are
consistently right. Me, not so much.
48
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,267
Pay attention to me!
49
00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:52,601
All right. Sorry.
50
00:02:57,167 --> 00:02:58,267
You're not gonna
believe this.
51
00:02:58,334 --> 00:02:59,667
I mean, only to me, right?
52
00:02:59,734 --> 00:03:01,300
I'm on the subway
and I meet this guy.
53
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:02,601
And he says,
"What do you do?"
54
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:03,901
And I say,
"I got a band."
55
00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:05,601
He says, "You got a band?
I got a club."
56
00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:07,434
I say, "Get your hand
out of my pocket."
57
00:03:07,501 --> 00:03:11,267
Anyway, he hands me his card
and he's got this really sweet smile.
58
00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:13,067
So, I call up the band
and I say, "Meet me."
59
00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:16,133
So they meet me, only Derek
can't get off work, right?
60
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,567
So, we go
up to the club.
61
00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:20,400
Club, my ass.
It's a roof.
62
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:22,100
I say, "It's a roof."
63
00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:23,634
He says,
"It's gonna be a club."
64
00:03:23,701 --> 00:03:26,067
I say, "I got a closet.
It's gonna be a Baskin-Robbins."
65
00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:28,400
I mean, why do these things
happen to me?
66
00:03:29,934 --> 00:03:31,234
Who are you?
67
00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:33,834
Want some coffee?
68
00:03:33,901 --> 00:03:35,567
What time is it?
Almost 8:00.
69
00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:38,701
Yeah, we're fine.
We're not meeting Susannah till 9:00.
70
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:40,167
Oh, Susannah.
71
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:45,367
Oh, Susannah.
Like you know who I'm talking about.
72
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:49,634
Actually, the line is,
"Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me."
73
00:03:49,701 --> 00:03:51,934
Is the actual line...
I know Susannah.
74
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,834
Susannah.
Your friend Susannah... Susannah Magnatini,
75
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,367
tello, te, uh, toro.
Magnatoro.
76
00:03:57,434 --> 00:04:00,901
Gould.
Gould, yeah.
77
00:04:00,968 --> 00:04:02,167
I know her,
from your English...
78
00:04:02,234 --> 00:04:03,734
Yeah, psychology...
psychology class.
79
00:04:03,801 --> 00:04:04,834
Seminar.
Seminar.
80
00:04:04,901 --> 00:04:06,067
And my name would be?
81
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:08,234
Brenda?
82
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:11,334
All right, so I've been
a little--little consumed lately.
83
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:12,767
You've done these tapes
a million times.
84
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,467
I know, but this is--
this is different.
85
00:04:14,534 --> 00:04:17,033
This is the first one
I actually have to write the script for also.
86
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:18,267
Why did you do that?
87
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:19,767
'Cause I figured,
"How hard could it be?"
88
00:04:19,834 --> 00:04:21,300
You know,
the How to Stucco Your Roof,
89
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:22,767
that one,
I called in an expert.
90
00:04:22,834 --> 00:04:24,267
But this one,
91
00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:26,234
How to Find 'Em, Meet 'Em,and Make 'Em Yours.
92
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,133
Come on.
I mean, who better?
93
00:04:30,801 --> 00:04:33,200
Find 'Em Meet 'Emand Make 'Em Yours?
94
00:04:33,267 --> 00:04:35,501
Yeah. Hey,
I have, in the past,
95
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,968
found them, met them,
and made them mine.
96
00:04:38,033 --> 00:04:39,534
Let me see this.
97
00:04:39,601 --> 00:04:40,968
Susannah Gould.
98
00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:42,033
Yeah?
99
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,968
Yeah. From Jamie's
psych seminar.
100
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:45,367
Yeah?
Yeah.
101
00:04:45,434 --> 00:04:46,968
So where is she?
Who, James?
102
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:49,701
Yeah. Um, I'm early.
I do that. Sorry.
103
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,400
Oh, you got cool stuff.
104
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:52,601
Hey, it's-- it's...
105
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,200
You know how you get
a picture in your head?
106
00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:55,901
I mean, this apartment,
I was right there.
107
00:04:55,968 --> 00:04:57,501
You, I was way off.
108
00:04:57,567 --> 00:04:58,834
Why? What'd you picture?
109
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:01,067
I don't know. Taller.
110
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:02,334
I'm 5'9".
111
00:05:03,234 --> 00:05:04,334
Oh, yeah, right.
112
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:05,767
And a half.
Oh, yeah, sure.
113
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:08,501
Okay.
I'm sorry. It's just, it's the picture.
114
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:09,567
In your head?
Yeah.
115
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,100
Adjust it.
I will.
116
00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:14,234
Fine.
117
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,367
Fine.
118
00:05:15,434 --> 00:05:16,601
I'm Ira.
119
00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:18,934
These are
things you did?
120
00:05:19,701 --> 00:05:20,968
Yes.
121
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:22,901
When you were single?
That's right.
122
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:25,300
And who fell for this?
123
00:05:26,934 --> 00:05:28,434
Okay, going backwards,
124
00:05:28,501 --> 00:05:29,901
you...
125
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:32,067
No, no, no, no, no.
That was different. How?
126
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,534
Because when we met,
it was fate. It was fate.
127
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:34,734
It was.
All right, fine. It was fate.
128
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,000
Okay, good.
It was fate.
129
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,367
Well, not everybody
is lucky.
130
00:05:37,434 --> 00:05:41,701
So, it is thus
my duty to--to help the fate-impaired.
131
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,734
What? Y-You don't think
this stuff would work?
132
00:05:44,801 --> 00:05:46,334
I don't know, try it.
133
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,400
Yeah, okay. Good.
134
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:49,200
I'm serious. Go ahead.
135
00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:50,400
Try it on who?
136
00:05:50,467 --> 00:05:51,934
Whom?
Stop it.
137
00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:55,767
Right there.
How about her?
138
00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:57,067
She's too tall.
139
00:05:58,601 --> 00:05:59,767
She's cute.
140
00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:01,534
GIRL: Oh, I love that.
141
00:06:01,601 --> 00:06:03,267
A little too peppy.
142
00:06:05,033 --> 00:06:08,501
Ah, okay. Right there.
She's perfect for you.
143
00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:19,701
No sense of irony.
144
00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:22,701
Come on.
There must be somebody. Who would you pick up?
145
00:06:28,534 --> 00:06:31,801
All right. And I'm not just
saying this to suck up.
146
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:33,634
I--I would pick up you.
Come on.
147
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,767
No, seriously.
Because, you know, y-you're cute,
148
00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:37,834
you got a perky sweater,
149
00:06:37,901 --> 00:06:41,834
and you look like
you would irritate my mother just about enough.
150
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,000
Here we go.
Pick me up.
151
00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:45,634
I can't pick you up.
Why not?
152
00:06:45,701 --> 00:06:46,701
'Cause it's stupid.
153
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:48,501
You think you
can't do it?
154
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,667
Of course I can do it.
I did it. You're up.
155
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:55,000
Come on. I'm here,
you're there, we've never met.
156
00:06:56,167 --> 00:06:57,567
Okay.
157
00:06:57,634 --> 00:07:00,334
Ursula. Excuse me.
I'd like to buy the lady a drink.
158
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,300
Okay. So you want
separate checks?
159
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:06,734
No.
All right. Well, now, what about the chicken?
160
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,701
I already bought the lady
a chicken.
161
00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:09,834
Now I'd like to
buy the lady a drink.
162
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:11,133
I'd like
a champagne cocktail.
163
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,267
You don't
drink those.
164
00:07:12,334 --> 00:07:13,734
How do you know?
We've never met.
165
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,601
That's right.
That's right. Good point.
166
00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:17,534
Champagne cocktail
for the anonymous lady.
167
00:07:17,601 --> 00:07:19,901
Okay, now, should I
cancel the chicken?
168
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,334
Um, I--I already ate it.
169
00:07:26,601 --> 00:07:28,634
Okay, I'm gonna
check with the chef.
170
00:07:31,767 --> 00:07:34,300
Look, it was really
nice to meet you,
171
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:36,033
but I got to go.
172
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,267
Okay.
173
00:07:37,334 --> 00:07:38,968
No, no. I got to go.
174
00:07:39,033 --> 00:07:41,334
Yeah.
Which means you got to go.
175
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,033
Why?
176
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,434
I can't just
leave you here.
177
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:45,501
Why not?
I'm waiting for Jamie.
178
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:47,200
It's not my place.
So?
179
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,167
So, what kind of
a citizen would I be?
180
00:07:49,234 --> 00:07:51,434
Come on, come on, come on.
181
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:53,767
You don't trust me?
I don't know you.
182
00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:55,234
Look, it's cold out.
183
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,567
I'm not gonna
leave you here.
184
00:07:56,634 --> 00:07:57,767
Well, I'm not leavin'.
185
00:07:57,834 --> 00:07:58,968
Well, you want me
to carry you out?
186
00:07:59,033 --> 00:08:00,501
You want
to meet my knee?
187
00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:09,667
Fine.
188
00:08:09,734 --> 00:08:10,767
Fine.
189
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:16,067
Honey, honey, it's okay.
Here.
190
00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:19,067
There you go,
you've bought me a drink.
191
00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:20,834
Now what?
192
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,534
All right, now I would--
now I would make eye contact.
193
00:08:24,334 --> 00:08:25,834
It's very tricky.
194
00:08:25,901 --> 00:08:27,667
It's... You know, it's
a very tricky science there.
195
00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:28,767
With eye contact,
you know,
196
00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:30,267
'cause if it's
too little eye contact,
197
00:08:30,334 --> 00:08:31,801
then you're darting around.
198
00:08:31,868 --> 00:08:33,801
You know,
you look shifty.
199
00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:36,067
Nobody wants that.
200
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:38,100
And too much
eye contact,
201
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:40,834
you know,
you're like a lunatic.
202
00:08:40,901 --> 00:08:43,667
So you got to walk
that very fine line.
203
00:08:46,667 --> 00:08:47,901
How was that?
Very good start.
204
00:08:47,968 --> 00:08:49,067
Okay.
Okay.
205
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:50,300
Go.
All righty.
206
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:51,300
(MUMBLES)
207
00:08:57,033 --> 00:08:58,634
You come here often?
208
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,634
Don't you hate
these places?
209
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:12,701
Hmm.
210
00:09:15,834 --> 00:09:18,334
Anybody ever tell you
you look like Jodie Foster?
211
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:23,701
(CLEARS THROAT)
212
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,267
Excuse me, ma'am,
could you pass the nuts?
213
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:39,000
I'm an orphan.
Okay, honey...
214
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,901
Fine. You--You do better.
You try. You get me.
215
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,434
Okay.
216
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:45,901
Where you going?
To get you.
217
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:47,367
I'm over here.
I'm over there.
218
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:49,734
But I'm over here.
Soon, you'll be over there.
219
00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:55,801
(CLEARS THROAT)
220
00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:05,067
Well, that's
not gonna work.
221
00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:08,467
Chewing a straw.
222
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:10,267
"I'm chewing a straw.
223
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:11,868
"I'm chewing a straw.
I'll be so attractive.
224
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:14,300
"Men will come to me
because I'm chewing a straw.
225
00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:17,334
"I'm chewing a straw."
226
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,934
Chew it. It's so cute.
227
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,834
It's not gonna work.
228
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:26,067
Excuse me.
229
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:32,234
All right, it worked.
230
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:38,167
What, you hungry?
231
00:10:38,234 --> 00:10:39,801
Yeah.
232
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:41,100
So, grab a knife.
233
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,667
So, you and Jamie,
you go to school together, huh?
234
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,767
Yeah. You're her cousin?
235
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,667
No, Paul's.
Oh.
236
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,434
She's always saying
"My cousin Ira," so...
237
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:54,801
She says that?
Yeah.
238
00:10:54,868 --> 00:10:57,200
Well, that's nice.
Oh, man!
239
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:59,200
They got Siegfried
and Roy matches.
240
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:02,801
Yeah. Paulie and Jamie
were in Vegas last year.
241
00:11:02,868 --> 00:11:03,868
What are you doin'?
242
00:11:03,934 --> 00:11:05,434
I told you,
I collect 'em.
243
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:07,100
You just take stuff
without asking?
244
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,267
But they're matches.
245
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,100
But they're
their matches. So?
246
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:12,267
So, what, you want to take
the toaster, too?
247
00:11:12,334 --> 00:11:14,033
Oh, boy.
248
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,400
You got stuff
in your head.
249
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,234
I don't have
anything in my head.
250
00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:23,801
I could write a paper.
251
00:11:23,868 --> 00:11:25,701
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
252
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:26,801
Hand 'em over.
253
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,267
Jeez.
254
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,400
So, you
come here often?
255
00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:40,667
Oh, not really.
Don't you hate these places?
256
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,000
PAUL: Oh, that's smooth.
257
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:43,067
Hey, I'm Mick.
258
00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:44,267
Jamie.
259
00:11:44,334 --> 00:11:46,567
You know, that's one of
my favorite names.
260
00:11:46,634 --> 00:11:48,501
Oh, brother.
261
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:49,868
Can I buy you
a drink?
262
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:53,300
Um...
Your champagne cocktail.
263
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:55,100
The service
is great here, isn't it?
264
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,667
Put it on my tab.
265
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:00,834
Okay, now,
what about the chicken?
266
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:07,801
You know,
you got a great smile.
267
00:12:07,868 --> 00:12:09,901
Oh, thank you.
268
00:12:09,968 --> 00:12:11,601
Actually,
that's not bad.
269
00:12:12,868 --> 00:12:14,901
I, uh, I don't mean
to embarrass you,
270
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,367
but it's not like
you haven't heard it
271
00:12:16,434 --> 00:12:18,234
a million times before,
right?
272
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,801
Just get him
to talk slower.
273
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,534
Uh, excuse me, friend.
274
00:12:24,601 --> 00:12:25,734
Uh...
Me?
275
00:12:25,801 --> 00:12:27,567
You.
Oh, you know this guy?
276
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:28,667
Sort of.
277
00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:30,100
Yeah,
I'm her husband.
278
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,501
Oh, really?
Paul.
279
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:33,200
Hey, Paul.
Listen, man, I'm sorry.
280
00:12:33,267 --> 00:12:34,601
No, no. You go ahead.
I'll just take a couple of notes.
281
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:35,601
You go ahead.
282
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,767
Uh, no,
hey, it's okay.
283
00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:44,067
Um, I'm not into this.
So, uh...
284
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:49,667
Thanks a lot.
285
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:51,467
Oh, I'm sure he'll call.
286
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,801
Anyway,
apparently, I win.
287
00:12:55,868 --> 00:12:57,667
No, you got him,
you didn't get me.
288
00:12:57,734 --> 00:12:59,067
I got you.
How do you figure?
289
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:00,868
You're here.
290
00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:02,667
I'm over here
for research.
291
00:13:02,734 --> 00:13:04,334
I'm not here
'cause of, you now...
292
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,634
All right.
Fine, fine, fine.
293
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:08,400
What was that?
294
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:10,067
Whatever it is,
you're over here because you were jealous.
295
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:11,334
I wasn't jealous.
296
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,834
Of course you were.
It bothered you.
297
00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:14,067
How do you get that?
298
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:15,200
Because I know you.
299
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,033
You don't know me.
We've never even met.
300
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,868
Honey, it would
bother anyone.
301
00:13:18,934 --> 00:13:20,434
No, not anyone.
302
00:13:20,501 --> 00:13:24,634
Everyone.
No. I don't... Ursula, let me ask you something.
303
00:13:24,701 --> 00:13:28,167
You see your boyfriend,
somebody you love and trust,
304
00:13:28,234 --> 00:13:30,667
talking to some woman
at the bar. Would that bother you?
305
00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,100
Is he
doing that again? Who?
306
00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:34,767
You bastard!
307
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:50,901
What is the matter
with you?
308
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:52,968
Nothin'.
309
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,934
Oh.
Oh, what?
310
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:57,734
Want another soda?
311
00:13:57,801 --> 00:14:00,400
No, no, no.
Thank you, I'm full.
312
00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:02,767
Oh, man, am I full.
313
00:14:04,634 --> 00:14:05,734
So go.
314
00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:07,767
What, and leave you
unattended? No way.
315
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:10,834
Well, suit yourself.
316
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,934
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
317
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,501
MAGGIE: Yes?
Come here a minute, will you?
318
00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:24,567
Well, actually, I'm...
No, no, no, no. I'm not fooling around.
319
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,767
You keep an eye on her, okay?
320
00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:34,334
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
321
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,234
So, you having a party?
322
00:14:36,968 --> 00:14:37,934
No.
323
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,100
(TOILET FLUSHES)
324
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:46,133
Okay, okay.
325
00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:48,501
Thank you very much.
326
00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:50,133
It was much appreciated.
327
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,033
And we'll see you later.
328
00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:00,601
Maybe someone
should fix us up.
329
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:01,701
With whom?
330
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:02,767
Whom?
331
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:05,334
Like you like.
With us.
332
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,100
Wait a second.
W-W-Whoa. All right.
333
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,267
What are you doing?
Just...
334
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:18,534
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
335
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:25,100
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
336
00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:26,868
Okay, honey,
it's for you.
337
00:15:27,601 --> 00:15:28,701
Hello?
338
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,467
Hi. I-Is this Jamie?
339
00:15:30,534 --> 00:15:31,734
Yes.
340
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,801
Hi, hi. My name
is Paul Buchman.
341
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,400
Yes?
342
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:39,667
Yeah, uh,
your Aunt Charlotte bought my sister's Saab.
343
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:41,434
Oh, okay,
well, great.
344
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:42,534
Yeah.
345
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:45,267
So.
So.
346
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:47,234
How you doing?
347
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:48,300
I'm good.
How are you?
348
00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:50,133
Good. I'm doing good.
349
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,167
Uh, I was thinking, um,
350
00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:53,467
maybe we should
go out sometime.
351
00:15:53,534 --> 00:15:56,901
Like Friday or Thursday.
352
00:15:56,968 --> 00:15:58,200
Or any of the days.
353
00:15:58,267 --> 00:15:59,801
Um, Friday's good.
354
00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:02,334
Friday? Great.
How about 7:00 at Riff's?
355
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,934
Okay, um...
356
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,767
Great. So,
how will I know you?
357
00:16:06,834 --> 00:16:09,601
Uh, people
say I look a little like Jodie Foster.
358
00:16:11,033 --> 00:16:12,868
Okay.
How will I know you?
359
00:16:12,934 --> 00:16:16,767
Uh, I actually...
I look like Daniel Day-Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans.
360
00:16:19,968 --> 00:16:22,801
What?
I'm going to see you Friday.
361
00:16:22,868 --> 00:16:24,534
Just... Just...
362
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,200
All right, great.
363
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,167
So, 7:00, Friday,
drinks at Riff's.
364
00:16:30,234 --> 00:16:31,567
Drinks?
365
00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:32,834
Yeah. W-What'd you think?
366
00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:34,801
I thought you were
buying me dinner.
367
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:36,467
Well, let's see how it goes.
368
00:16:36,534 --> 00:16:39,167
We'll have drinks,
and if it works out, well, I'll buy you dinner.
369
00:16:39,234 --> 00:16:40,667
Why wouldn't it work?
370
00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:42,567
Well, you never know.
You don't think it's going to work out?
371
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,067
I don't know.
I never even met you.
372
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,367
You not even
giving it a try.
373
00:16:45,434 --> 00:16:46,634
Hey, don't pressure me.
374
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,100
Okay, let's just forget
the whole thing.
375
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,200
Hey, fine.
Fine.
376
00:17:01,868 --> 00:17:03,400
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
377
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:05,434
Oh, come on,
I'm kidding. God!
378
00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:12,067
You, know, you are
just like my husband.
379
00:17:12,133 --> 00:17:13,267
What? You're married?
380
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,501
Yeah, for about
five minutes.
381
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,000
Well, you got me
beat by two.
382
00:17:18,968 --> 00:17:20,501
What happened?
383
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:23,300
We were young.
That's the short version.
384
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,534
Well, you're
still young. Stupid young.
385
00:17:25,601 --> 00:17:27,934
Yeah?
I know about that.
386
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:29,934
Oh, yeah?
387
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,133
Yeah.
388
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,234
Huh.
389
00:17:32,934 --> 00:17:33,934
Huh.
390
00:17:38,334 --> 00:17:39,601
Excuse me?
391
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:42,300
Excuse me?
392
00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:43,801
What?
Sorry to bother you.
393
00:17:43,868 --> 00:17:46,367
I just, uh...
I can't seem to reach these.
394
00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:47,701
Why not?
395
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,167
I just can't.
396
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,300
It's right there.
397
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,167
Oh, hi, I'm Jamie.
398
00:17:52,234 --> 00:17:53,901
Oh. All right.
399
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:55,968
Oh, no, no.
400
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,567
You know what?
I don't think so.
401
00:17:57,634 --> 00:17:58,667
Why not?
402
00:17:58,734 --> 00:18:00,734
Because I can see
how tall you are.
403
00:18:00,801 --> 00:18:01,934
You would just
reach your arm up.
404
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,501
Maybe I have bursitis.
405
00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,000
Oh, there's a turn on.
Oh, fine.
406
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:09,667
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
407
00:18:09,734 --> 00:18:12,167
Wait a minute.
Go back. Go back.
408
00:18:12,234 --> 00:18:14,167
I used to
work there.
409
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,167
You're kidding?
410
00:18:16,234 --> 00:18:17,834
Why not?
It's the psychic line.
411
00:18:17,901 --> 00:18:19,033
Yeah, so?
412
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:20,801
So, what,
you're a psychic now?
413
00:18:20,868 --> 00:18:22,834
You just got to talk.
414
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:24,834
Which clearly
you can do.
415
00:18:26,667 --> 00:18:28,400
What'd you talk about?
416
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:31,701
Mostly I just listened
and gave them a little push.
417
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:35,267
How'd you know
where to push?
418
00:18:35,334 --> 00:18:38,567
You listen hard enough,
you can hear what someone wants.
419
00:18:38,634 --> 00:18:40,033
Yeah?
Yeah.
420
00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:43,934
So, what do I want?
421
00:18:45,601 --> 00:18:46,868
Something here.
422
00:18:46,934 --> 00:18:48,000
Something where?
423
00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:49,601
Here, this place.
424
00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:51,033
What, like the credenza?
425
00:18:53,801 --> 00:18:55,000
No.
426
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,801
Not something you
can put in your pocket
427
00:18:56,868 --> 00:18:58,200
or put on a U-Haul.
428
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:01,801
Or, you know,
something they got here that you wish you had.
429
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,267
That's why you've
been acting like this.
430
00:19:05,334 --> 00:19:07,834
It means something
to you, I think.
431
00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,501
Either that
or you're just a putz.
432
00:19:14,334 --> 00:19:15,534
Why is this so hard?
433
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:17,701
What?
For us to meet each other.
434
00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,267
'Cause it's stupid.
435
00:19:19,334 --> 00:19:23,467
I can't get you,
I got you. We're married.
436
00:19:23,534 --> 00:19:25,434
Well, actually,
that should make me more attractive to you.
437
00:19:25,501 --> 00:19:26,667
What do you mean?
438
00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:28,901
Women get off
on married men.
439
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,300
Not all women.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's a thing.
440
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,334
It's like men
and lesbian scenes.
441
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,834
Okay, see, I don't get that.
442
00:19:34,901 --> 00:19:36,334
What? What is not to get?
I mean, I get it.
443
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,467
But you all like it
so much.
444
00:19:38,534 --> 00:19:41,868
Yes, 'cause it's naked
and fun, and I agree with both of them.
445
00:19:42,701 --> 00:19:44,567
You can't
compare the two.
446
00:19:44,634 --> 00:19:46,501
Oh, absolutely.
The minute I put this on,
447
00:19:46,567 --> 00:19:48,968
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
I became 10 times more attractive than I am.
448
00:19:49,033 --> 00:19:50,634
Fine. Not to all women.
449
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,868
Okay.
450
00:19:54,934 --> 00:19:56,133
Okay.
451
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,467
Hi, I'm Paul.
452
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,801
Jamie.
453
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,367
That's funny.
That's my wife's name.
454
00:20:03,434 --> 00:20:04,534
Oh, you're married?
Yeah.
455
00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:06,200
Almost three years.
Wow.
456
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,734
What's she like?
457
00:20:08,801 --> 00:20:10,868
My wife?
Yeah.
458
00:20:10,934 --> 00:20:12,167
Kind of like you,
actually.
459
00:20:12,234 --> 00:20:14,400
About your height,
your hair, your eyes, too.
460
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:15,667
She sounds perfect.
461
00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:18,400
Actually, no. No.
462
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:19,934
Not so much perfect.
463
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,801
She never puts the ATM stuff
into the checkbook.
464
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:23,367
So we're always,
like, $60 off.
465
00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:26,300
Okay, I'm sorry...
Don't defend her.
466
00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:27,767
She sneaks cigarettes
behind my back.
467
00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:29,467
Like, what,
I don't have a nose?
468
00:20:29,534 --> 00:20:32,133
Then--Then she doesn't
tell me that the film lab called last night,
469
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,601
so I have to go down
in the middle of my lunch hour to...
470
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,234
I could go on
and on and on.
471
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:37,934
Why don't you
just say something.
472
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:41,467
Why make trouble?
473
00:20:41,534 --> 00:20:43,033
But she's got
good points, too.
474
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:44,434
She's got a lot
of good points.
475
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:46,100
She gets so excited
about things.
476
00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:48,000
You know,
she's genuinely surprised
477
00:20:48,067 --> 00:20:49,901
when we don't
win the lottery.
478
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,834
She won't give money
to Crazy Pete on the corner,
479
00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:53,701
but she'll go
a block and a half out of her way
480
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:56,133
to buy the man a sandwich.
481
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:57,968
And her laugh...
482
00:20:58,033 --> 00:21:01,000
Her egg salad,
very strong egg salad.
483
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:02,167
The way she calls me
on stuff
484
00:21:02,234 --> 00:21:04,100
when I'm
making myself crazy.
485
00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:05,767
Knowing when I need
to make myself crazy
486
00:21:05,834 --> 00:21:08,000
and then going there with me.
487
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:11,934
Mostly, her egg salad.
488
00:21:24,567 --> 00:21:26,200
Well,
she sounds great.
489
00:21:26,267 --> 00:21:28,067
She's okay.
490
00:21:28,133 --> 00:21:30,300
So, why are you
here with me?
491
00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:32,267
I just can't
help myself.
492
00:21:34,868 --> 00:21:36,067
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
493
00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:40,334
JAMIE: Hey. Hey.
IRA: Hey. Hey.
494
00:21:56,100 --> 00:21:57,934
MAN ON TV:Your table, madame.
495
00:21:58,033 --> 00:21:59,467
WOMAN ON TV:Thank you, sir.
496
00:21:59,534 --> 00:22:00,767
This is fun,isn't it?
497
00:22:00,834 --> 00:22:02,100
Yeah.
PAUL: This I like.
498
00:22:02,167 --> 00:22:03,901
You're sure you liketo do things like this?
499
00:22:03,968 --> 00:22:06,534
Sure.
JAMIE: See, now this guy knows what he's doing.
500
00:22:06,601 --> 00:22:09,133
...girls wanted fellasto take them to fancy places.
501
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,367
Spend lots of money.
502
00:22:10,434 --> 00:22:11,934
Not this girl.
503
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,400
JAMIE: He could find me,
meet me, and make me his like that.
504
00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:16,701
You know, I sort of likethings like this, too.
505
00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:17,767
PAUL: Well, who knew?
506
00:22:17,834 --> 00:22:19,200
You won't laugh?
507
00:22:19,267 --> 00:22:22,567
I like to go onbicycle trips, too.Do you?
508
00:22:22,634 --> 00:22:25,701
Mmm-hmm.And miniature golf,do you like that?
509
00:22:25,767 --> 00:22:28,067
Yeah, and weenie roastsand square dances.
510
00:22:28,133 --> 00:22:30,501
And baseball gamesand taffy pulls.
511
00:22:30,567 --> 00:22:32,901
JAMIE: Why don't you ever
take me to a taffy pull?
512
00:22:32,968 --> 00:22:34,501
...you like to dolots of things, don't you?
513
00:22:34,567 --> 00:22:35,434
PAUL: I didn't know
you were interested.
514
00:22:35,484 --> 00:22:40,034
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