All language subtitles for Mad About You s03e04 Wen Sixty-Four.eng

* Tell me why
I love you like I do

* Tell me who
can stop my heart as much as you

* Let's take each other's hand

* As we jump into
the final frontier

* I'm mad about you, baby

* Yeah!

* I'm mad about you

You sure you measured
this thing?

I measured.

Well, meanwhile, I'm trapped.

You're not trapped.

I'm trapped,
and you now live in the hall.

MAN: Give me a sip.
MAN 2: No, get your own.

JAMIE: What?

Well, it's the stupid
intercom again.

We have to get Wicker
to fix that thing.

Guys, please don't give up.

Just give it one
really good shove. I know it's gonna go in.

Oh.
Sorry.

That's perfectly
all right.

Just give me five seconds.
See, I bought this thing at...

Not even British.
She's from right around here.

You know what?
Actually, never mind. It's fine.

Honey, do you have
some money? PAUL: For what?

'Cause I may as well
let these guys go.

Okay, so we'll just live
like this then.

MAN: Leshana,
get over here!

Where's Wicker?

He'll be here.
Just give me $20.

How? Show me how I would
give you this $20. You're a voice.

All right,
drop it out the window.

Just go downstairs.
He'll drop it.

He will. I swear.

Are you kidding me?

(WHISPERING) Just drop
the $20. They know where we live.

I don't even have $20.
I got... I have one million singles.

Apparently I work
in an arcade.

Use the sock.

What sock?

In the kitchen
under the sink.

There's a sock?

Under the sink.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Mr. Wicker, thank God.

Hello, Buchmans.
Where's the other one?

He's in there.

Oh, boy.

I know.

Did you measure this?

I measured it.

You all right?

My wife's up
at a crafts fair in the Berkshires.

It always makes me feel
a little blue.

That's very sweet.

I'll have to go around
on the fire escape.

Hello, Conway.
Hello, Wicker.

Got an emergency.
Oh.

Sorry.
That's perfectly all right.

You just let him use
your bedroom window. He can go...

You ask me, "Why is there
a sock under the sink?" This I couldn't tell you.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

It's like a mystery.

Yo.

Hi, Ma.

Listen, I can't talk
about the plates now.

I know Dad is wrong.
I told him. I did. I told him.

Listen, I gotta--I gotta throw
money out the window.

Literally.

Let me--Let me call you back.
I'll call you back later.

JAMIE: Who was that?
Guess.

The plates.
Bingo.

Fellas!

Here you go!

Keep the sock!

Where did you get
a cookie?

Across the hall.

She gave you
a cookie? Uh-huh.

Three years.
I never got a cookie.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You better step back.

JAMIE: Okay.

It's really a gift,
what you have.

How did you do that?

I'm told I have a gift.

Well, we need either
a smaller dresser or a much bigger home.

Well, this doorway's
38 inches.

Thirty eight, right.
And the armoire's 34.

Okay, what does
this say?

Thirty four.

No. Similar to a four.

Thirty nine.
Thirty nine.

Tiny, stupid numbers.

Yeah, w-we should
really talk.

Can't wait to see this.

Swear you didn't
watch it?

I swear.
I taped and I rewound.

All right.
You know who did it?

I do know who did it.
It was the fish broker.

The fish broker?

Now, you see, this is why,
my friend,

you will never work
for Scotland Yard.

The fish broker had
a wooden foot, right?

So how is he gonna outrun
all those bloodhounds across the moor?

It was night and it was foggy.
They didn't see him.

Scent.
They do it off a scent.

All right, let's see
who's right. Here we go. Here we go.

The Barrister In The Bog,
Part five.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
Supermarket Mania

where the Mortons
of Long Branch, New Jersey,

take on their
Midwestern rivals,

the Desilvas
of Rockford, Illinois!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

The Desilva family?

Gee, I didn't see
that coming.

How did this happen?

'Cause this VCR also has
tiny, stupid numbers.

I'm not getting glasses.

You're such a child.

I can't find
the prescription.

What do you mean?
I lost it. I can't find it.

Well, I guess
that's the end of that.

(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)

What is with this thing?

We could've had Wicker
fix it when he was here.

Do you understand?
My whole life I've had perfect eyes.

You still do. They just
don't work quite as well.

But why?

'Cause you're
getting older.

Really?
Where's your hair?

Ooh. Do you wanna
go there?

No, I don't. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

Maybe contacts.
Maybe.

Contacts will be fine.

Ick. Putting something
actually on your actual eye? Ick.

What's ick?
I do it all the time.

Ick, ick, ick.
So get glasses.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it?
WICKER: Super.

Glasses are so cool.
You know, hey, Franz Schubert.

Franz Schubert?

Yes, I went with 18th century
German composer Franz Schubert.

Hi.
It's pretty good out here.

We're very proud.

Checking the door jamb.
Making sure there's no damage from this morning.

Oh, no, no, it's fine.
Yeah, well,

as long as I'm here,
anything else you need? You know, anything at all?

What is this,
like a cool prank? What?

MAN: Tell them they're here?
They know! They're here!

This thing has
been going nuts. This...

Okay, also the shower.

When you turn on the hot,
little pellets come out. Oh, yeah?

Honey, it's 1:10.

Or, if your eyes work,
10:05.

All right, all right.

Pellets?
Little flecks of something.

I'll check it out.
Come here, come here, come here.

What?
What is he doing here?

Who cares?
He's fixing things.

Do you think
something's wrong?

When it shoots pellets
like that...

I mean with Wicker.

Ask him if he's okay.

I--I don't want to.
Why not?

Because I don't want...
I don't...

I don't... We don't have
a relationship like that. You go ask him.

You're closer to him
than I am.

How am I closer to him?
You're men. You're both men.

This is probably
some man thing.

He... What...
He's fixing the shower. Leave him alone.

Fine. We'll compromise.
You go talk to him. I'll make us some tea.

How is that a compromise?
Show me the compromise portion.

I'm onto you.

What? You can't fix it?

Huh? Oh.

Take a gander.

Oh. So, uh, when does
Mrs. Wicker come back?

Actually she came back
this afternoon.

Oh. Really?
Yeah.

Uh, if you wanna go see her
or something, this can...

You know, soon as you
finish this, go be with her.

Oh, no, it's okay.
Yeah? All right.

Listen, these pellets,
they're like--they're like little teeth.

Which I'm hoping
they're not.

Do you know your neighbor
in 11-J, Mrs. Stern?

Mrs. Stern, uh,
doesn't ring a bell.

I'll tell you, when they
fly out, they actually bounce off, it's like hail.

You'd like her,
Mrs. Stern.

Annabelle.
That's her first name.

Who?
Mrs. Stern.

11-J.
Very nice woman.

Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.

In fact, I was over there
this afternoon,

unbending her
Venetian blinds.

That's something that you do,
blind-unbending?

That's not all.
I Rust-Oleumed her fire escape,

I fixed her toaster.

Toaster? Wow.

See what I mean?

Oh.

I'm telling you.
I'm feeling a little guilty about her.

There's nothing to feel
guilty about. You made a new friend. So what?

Huh. She's so young.

Yeah, but eyes
like a 90-year-old.

Why can't you
have a friend who's a woman?

Yeah, of course you can,
of course you can.

So wait a second. What else
is going on in 11-J?

You leave him alone.

You wanted to talk.
We're talking.

Once I pick out a frame,
they can have them ready in 60 minutes.

You know,
I don't even trust that. Why?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Because it takes 30 years
for your eyes to go bad,

and they're gonna fix them
in one hour? Hello.

Hi, Dad. Huh?

They're plates. You know,
the only purpose is to be under food.

Listen, we're walking
out the door now.

No, no, I wasn't throwing
money out the window.

I was tipping.
I was tipping vertically.

Well, I don't understand
you and the plates, so we're even.

Listen, I will call you back,
all right? I gotta go. Bye.

Who's winning?

Guess.

Oh.

And?

I was just wondering
about your armoire.

How long is it
staying there?

Oh, who can say?
You know with the French...

We're not afraid
of you people.

You know what the problem is?

They have no citrus
in their country.

What are you talking about?

No citrus. It makes them
angry. Seriously.

Mr. Wicker.

Oh, um...
Hi, Buchmans.

I was just fixing
Mrs. Stern's doorbell.

With a wire cutter?

What are you saying?

Nothing. Hey, listen,

what I know about
fixing a doorbell

you could fit into
this little button here.

Oh, well, then, I...

But, were I breaking
a doorbell,

so that I might be
invited back by the occupant to fix it,

well, even I, a layman,
would know to bring wire cutters.

I don't know
what I'm doing.

I'm vandalizing
my own building.

What's going on?
No, you tell me.

I had this dream last night.

She was naked
and I was a cigar.

What do you think
that means?

Impossible to say
with dreams.

I don't know
what I'm doing.

Talk about it.

To who?
Mrs. Wicker.

Oh, you're so young.

No, no, no,
I think she's right.

You know, if you come clean
with Mrs. Wicker, you'll feel better.

Otherwise you're walking
around with a big piece of beef hanging in your heart.

You haven't done
anything wrong.

This is just
like that great story

with the girl
and the celery.

Exactly. Girl takes
a piece of celery.

She feels so guilty,
it's as if she took a cookie.

No, you're telling it wrong.

See, this girl thinks
taking celery is bad.

When in fact her parents would
want her to take the celery. They would encourage that.

Right, so instead of saying,
"Hey, Mom, Dad, I took some celery,"

she keeps it inside
and lets it eat away at her.

As if she'd taken a cookie.
As if she'd taken a cookie.

A very touching story.

The point being this woman's
a piece of celery, but by your not telling your wife,

you're turning her
into a cookie.

She's liable
to be upset.

Over what?
She's celery.

With a little bit
of cookie.

Really?
Seventy five degrees yesterday,

and I bled her radiator.

Listen, we don't need
to know everything. Thank you though.

You'd think
after 40 years of marriage

they would have gotten
all the bugs out, you know?

It's not bugs.
It's good, it's alive, it's healthy.

It's worrisome. I mean, if the
Wickers haven't figured out monogamy, then who?

Even the Wickers have to
take it day by day like everybody else.

I can see day by day
for like a year or a few years, but then what?

Then you take it
year by year.

So you're doing it day by day
and year by year.

Eventually, you know,
decade by decade.

Monogamy, man, it's draining.

In, like,
a good way.

Hey, try these.

Yeah?
What do you think?

Really good.

Okay, wait.
Now these.

Better.

You're not helping.

What did I say?

How can a person
who needs glasses

be trusted to pick out
glasses?

That's what I'm here for.
Oh, excuse me.

All right, listen,

I need you
to be my eyes,

which are very
critical of me.

I can't possibly
look beautiful in every single pair of glasses.

All right.
All right.

Sorry. Really beautiful.

Come on!
I can't help it.

Listen, you're an unbreakably
beautiful woman.

You know, you're beautiful
first thing in the morning,

beautiful in a bad hat.

Oh, excuse me.

The problem is my face
is trapezoidal.

You know that?

Yes. Very bad
for glasses.

All right.

I really like them.

Yeah. Great.
Which hat is bad?

No.

Bad hat, bad hat.
It's an expression.

You know, "You'd be beautiful
in a bad hat." Please.

Excuse me.

Yes, actually it's...

Can I help you?

I'm just looking.
Thank you.

Well, if there's anything
I can do for you, just let me know.

Okay, thank you.

Nice girl.
Mmm-hmm.

JAMIE: You ready?

Babe, I already saw
you in the glasses. Remember?

In the store?

I was the curly-haired guy,
gave you gum?

You're cute.

What?

Seriously, you're
really gorgeous.

Hey, what have I been trying
to tell you?

All right, how do I look?
Stunning.

Really?
Yes.

Better than the girl
who sold them to me?

Can't even compare.

All right. How about
from the side?

What?
I don't like them from the side.

Who's gonna walk into a room
like this?

What about
the other side?

Let me see again.

Hey, James.

What?
See? Now it's good.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Do they look obvious?
Not at all.

I feel like
they're obvious.

Absolutely not.

You got glasses.

They're not invisible.

How's the shower?

Shower is perfect.

Mind if I use it?

So you told Mrs. Wicker?

I told her.

Come in.

What did you say?

Well, I said I've been
flirting like a young schoolboy with another woman

and I feel terrible.

And what did she say?

She said, "Stay with
your friends, the Buchmans."

Ow.
Ow.

You know, it's not enough
to buy the glasses.

You have to actually
put them on.

I can wait for
the contacts, thank you very much.

So this is what,
this is like an aerobic thing you're doing?

Yes, it is.
All right.

That is a terrific
shower.

Hey, Wicker.
Hello, Wicker.

No more pellets,
but I found a little hair in the drain.

I'll put it in the kitchen.

You're a beautiful man.

We've done
a terrible thing here. What?

We've got to
get those two back together.

Maybe we should call
Mrs. Wicker.

Yeah, that's what
you wanna do, get more involved.

Just...
I'm fine!

Read to me.

What?

Read to me.
What do you got?

Dickens. Read me
a little Dickens.

Fine.

"The orphan
looked up with

"a hungry face."

You happy?

A little more,
if you would.

No, no, from here.

"Oh, Mr. Cravendish,
he said,

"I am so besot
with hunger."

He was besot?

He was an orphan.

"I wish I had
a plate of porridge

"or some gruel.

"I'm so hungry,

"So very, very hungry

"and cold

"and parentless."

It does not say
parentless. Oh, what's it your business?

Show me where
it says parentless.

What's happening?
Oh, Dickens makes me hot.

Fair enough.

WICKER: Hey, kids.

Hey.
Oh, okey-dokey.

Sorry. Am I interrupting?

No. We were just reading.
Fine.

I made a little cocoa.

We were just saying
how besot with hunger we are.

I put a little nutmeg
in there. Claire loves nutmeg.

I tell you, your mother called
this afternoon.

All right, now,
what's the latest now?

Your father's warming up
to the saucers, not budging on the plates.

Did you say
I would call her back? No.

I love you.

You should talk
to Mrs. Wicker.

I tried that.

If she wants me back,
she'll let me know.

I'm gonna take
Murray for a walk, okay?

(WHISPERING) Oh, God,
I feel so guilty.

Why?

We destroyed
Wicker's life.

Okay, but we've discovered
the beauty of nutmeg.

The whole yin yang
of life.

It's fascinating.

Okay, this shouldn't
take very long.

Head still. Look at the pen.

(SALESGIRL CHUCKLING)

Uh, I should've been
more specific.

The pen
in my right hand.

Sorry.

SALESGIRL: You know, you have
very classical features.

Really? Huh.
Yeah.

It's funny 'cause
I've always been told

I have
easy-listening features.

Uh, where'd you get
those glasses?

These I got in a little place
called my night table.

Where's that?

Conveniently,
right next to my bed.

Honey, how do I look?

Did you get them in?

No, but this is how I look.

Look really good.

Other side of the bed,
her night table.

What? I was being
alive and good and healthy.

You don't have
to be healthy right in front of me.

Word is you can't see.
That's why we were there.

Thank you. When I'm young,
good and healthy with Tony at Gristede's,

I don't make you watch.

Of course not,
'cause I can watch it up on the security monitor

with the rest
of the store.

Honey, look.
He put in a dimmer.

Why did he do that?
I like that switch.

Yeah, but now we have choices.
Look.

All right.

And she took you
for $266.

She didn't take me.
These are spectacular glasses.

She said they're good
for down to three atmospheres.

You don't dive.

I know. But if I do,
I can see pretty good now.

Mr. Wicker?

I don't think
he's here.

Yeah.
He's probably over at Mrs. Stern's,

shampooing her rug.

I don't mean that
dirty.

You think anything
happened with him and Mrs. Stern?

No. I really don't.

How can you be
so sure?

Just a reckless
optimism.

Hey, is it in?

Uh,

not so much.

The trick is to not
close your eye till after.

I understand,
but it's coming right at me.

Yeah, so don't look at it.
That's why I close my eye.

All right.

You know
what I think?

No.

"No," you don't know
or "No, you don't care"?

Just what?

I think the trick is

to have the alive,
to have the good and the healthy,

and just, like,
not ruin your life.

The Wickers, they're
married 40 years.

That's 14,300 days.

Fourteen thousand,
six hundred days.

You got 600?
Uh-huh.

All right,
14,600 days.

So in all that...
You know how many--how many

eyeglass girls
and stock boys named Tonys they've met?

A lot.

A lot. And every
time it comes up,

they have to make
the decision,

"No, I'm not gonna go there.
I'm going home."

Okay, is it in?

Come here. All right. Let me.

Are you going to be here
to do this every morning?

What did I just spend
15 minutes saying to you?

Bingo.

Hey. I think it's in.

Yeah? Good for you. Good girl.

(KNOCKING)

Yeah? What's with
the winking?

I don't know.
I can't help myself.

It's like you're trying
to pick me up.

Which, I gotta say,
is unnecessary, and yet, kind of cute.

Oh, Mrs. Wicker.

Hello.

Well, come on in.
Please. Sure. Thank you.

Look who's here.
Mrs. Wicker!

You know Jamie.
Mrs. Wicker came up.

Um, so how is
everyone?

Uh, he's fine.
He's fine.

I didn't ask specifics.

Well, either way,
he's fine.

Well, when you see him,
you might want to tell him

that Admiral Cheswick
peed in the elevator again.

Who's Admiral Cheswick?

12-K. The Cohens' cat.

Oh. Oh, sure.

He's an admiral now.

And in 15-J, the water
won't stop running...

Can I--Can I just tell you?

Listen, it's not like
your husband is having a good time up here.

Yeah, he's not having any fun.

I see.

So where is he now,

in the Stern apartment?

Of course not. No.

I think he's down in 9-R
'cause they saw a roach.

That's right, yeah.
Yeah, they saw a roach.

You must think
this is amusing.

No, no, no, no!
She just got contacts put in.

So he's not in 11-J?

Of course not.

Mrs. Wicker, can I just
tell you something

as a man who
loves his wife?

I got to tell you,
your husband, Mr. Wicker, is a man who loves his wife.

I know he is.

So why won't you
take him back?

Because I'm not
finished hurting.

When I am finished hurting,
I will take him back.

Well, if it means anything,
he's hurting, too.

Seriously.

Your neighbors across
the hall are right.

You're just horrible people.

Stop that. Just stop it.

Hey.

Popovers are in the oven.

Got to wait 13 minutes.

You take them out
in 14 minutes, you got paperweights.

All right, got it.

Thank you very much.

I'm going down to 12-C.
They got linoleum bubbles.

I'll be back
for lunch though.

Well, what would you do
for linoleum bubbles?

Depends on how far
along they are.

(KNOCKING)

I'll get it.

Claire, what are you
doing here?

You're needed in 5-J.

What's the problem...
5-J. That's us.

That's us.

Shall we go?
Let's go.

We're gonna go.

So that's it?
It's all over now?

It's over.

But how? Why?

You don't understand?
You gotta have a good fight once in a while.

You do?
WICKER: Sure.

How are you gonna stay
together 40 years?

It's like the spit valve
in a trumpet.

You're such a romantic man.

We had a fight
a couple of years ago you wouldn't believe.

JAMIE: About what?
Couldn't even tell you.

And it's not
our business.

It was about plates.

Don't start. Come on.

Goodbye, Buchmans.

Goodbye, Wickers.
Goodbye, Wickers.

(DOOR SHUTTING)

So who do you wanna
play with now?

an
laid a wreath

"on the grave
of Mr. Cravendish and smiled,

"for he knew he would
no longer be parentless,

"and he would have enough
porridge to keep him

"from ever being besot again.

"The end."

And we thought
she was making it up.

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